What Living with Depression Really Feels Like: A Personal Letter to Friends and Family

This post is written to raise awareness about living with depression by giving an inside look at depression and anxiety. 

 

Dear Friends, Family, and Those of You Reading This,

                  I think about my life, and I realize I have lived through a lot. Many you of know some of my struggles, but you don’t know all of them. I want to share with you how depression impacts my life.

On the surface I function fairly well most of the time. What you don’t see is the voice inside of me screaming words of self-doubt. It is the voice of depression. It tries to drag me down. It tells me I am not good enough. It reminds me of all I am not good at and demeans my abilities in other areas. Depression’s friend anxiety jumps in and makes things worse. Anxiety tells me things are not going well. It brings fear to the forefront of my mind. 

Depression dampens my view of the world. It blankets my life in darkness. The me you see is fighting on the inside. I need to push myself to reach through the darkness and function. Living with depression is a constant battle to find light in the world. Depression wants everything to seem negative and not worth doing. Depression wants me to hide in a corner and avoid the world.

When depression shows its worst side, it pounds me with the idea that life is not worth living. Yes, even when you see me functioning, I may be battling to tell depression I want to live. You see, depression tells me just the opposite. Can you imagine for a moment what that might be like? 

What is weird is anxiety jumps in at times and expresses fear of dying. My cancer battle is an example. When I found out I had cancer, anxiety grew stronger. It told me I was going to die. In all honesty, I was very sick. The problem was anxiety took every pain and intensified it. It brought doom and gloom to every test. Depression told me I deserved cancer because I had believed my life was not worth living. Imagine what is like to be afraid of an illness that is trying to kill you while at the same time thinking that your thoughts brought on the illness.

The thing is I fought through all of this. You may not be aware of how much I fight or how difficult it is for me to navigate depression and anxiety. That is because I try to hide it from you. I do not want you to worry about me. I do not want you to see how much I struggle or how much pain I feel. 

I have support in dealing with depression and anxiety. I am not alone. I have a team I can rely on to provide the treatment I need to continue functioning in this world. They teach me how much life is worth living. They provide ideas for the coping strategies I use to cope with all that depression and anxiety challenge me with. They provide the treatment I need to overcome depression and anxiety.

I am actually doing well as I write this. I am in a safe space, but I know how fragile that space is. Depression and anxiety can take control. They can tear apart the safe space I am in at any moment. I need to believe I can cope with anything depression and anxiety throw at me. My team helps me. My experience strengthens me. I move forward, if not confidently, at least emboldened to try.

My hope in writing this is that you see what is underneath the persona I try to show to you. I do not do this to make feel sorry for me. There is no reason to feel that way. I do ask that you become an ally. I ask you to be someone who will sit with me in the darkness, not to try to fix me, but just to be with me. In being an ally, you can make others aware of what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. You will be raising awareness, which is how we create opportunities for people to get help when depression and/or anxiety become too much. I also ask that if you see any of what I have shared in yourself, that you reach out and ask for support. Depression and anxiety hurt, but when people support each other, we can ease the pain.

                                                                                                                                                                  Take Care,         

                                                                                                                                                                  Gina

 

Why Structure Is Essential for Managing Depression: How routines can help you stay grounded, reduce anxiety, and protect your mental health during vacations, holidays, and other periods of downtime.

        Vacation! Sounds like just what we need. Whether it is a week off in the middle of the year, time off for a holiday, or the summer off for students and teachers, a break seems like just what we need, especially when we live with mental illness. Time off can be a relief. It can be time to get away from the stressors in our lives. Unfortunately, for many with mental illness, a break can take us away from the routines that ground us and provide a sense of security despite the stress they cause. 

I am a teacher. Many of my friends are teachers. We all look forward to winter break and are even more excited for the longer summer break. Many people look forward to a long weekend. The reality is that as much as we look forward to these breaks, they can disrupt the routines that we come to rely on. There is structure in getting up to an alarm at the same time every day. Our work routines allow us to shift into autopilot. For me this autopilot often prevents me from thinking. The thoughts depression fills my mind with can be ignored because I am focusing on the requirements of my job. We know our day will be filled with work until a certain time. Then it will be time to handle all the home chores that need to get done. 

This raises the question, how does structure help people with mental illness? Let’s look at some of the ways. First, I think it is important to note that while structure is important for many of us, that structure works best when it is flexible rather than rigid. Structure helps us manage symptoms and maintain healthy lifestyles and behaviors. It also provides a better sense of stability. 

There are several ways that structure can help us. Here are a few:

·      Reduces stress and uncertainty - When we know what to expect during the day, our anxiety levels are often lower. Stress is also reduced by having fewer decisions to make during the day. As an example, if a person knows which tasks they need to complete and at what time they need to complete them, it is often easier to be prepared to complete the task. 

·      Supports healthy habits – We can improve our mental health or keep it stable when we have a structure that allows us to maintain healthy habits. When we have a schedule to follow, we can insert meal breaks, time for hydration, and we can include time to destress. That time to destress might be after the workday, but when we are working, we know when that time will be. An example of being healthy when we are working is having to meal plan and prep to make sure we eat healthy. I tend to eat more regularly when I am working. 

·      Builds a sense of accomplishment – When we are working or going to school, we often accomplish things that are noticeable. This can increase confidence, which can improve our mood. We can do this in our downtime, but even then, it requires establishing a routine. 

·      Encourages social connection – When we are working or going to school, being around people is necessary. It is harder to isolate, which those of us with depression tend to do. I know I am alone a lot more when I am not working. Being around people can boost our mood. 

·      Supports treatment adherence – It is often easier to stick to a treatment plan when we have structure in our lives. We might set an alarm for medication or schedule appointments right after work. These things become routine when we are working or going to school. When we are not, taking medication can be easily forgotten. Remembering when our appointments are might become harder because they are at different times. 

 

These ways that structure help us can be achieved when we are not working or in school, but the structure of regular routine is beneficial. When we are not working or in school, it is often best if we set up some type of routine. Each of us is unique in our needs. Some people with mental illness require more structure than others. I know when the depression and anxiety I face are more intense, I need more structure. If I don’t have that structure, I am likely to retreat into nothingness, which worsens my symptoms. 

It is easy to see how being away from a work or school environment can lead to less structure. When we are in a good place with our mental health, we may be able to do well in the freedom of time off. There are those of us who may not be able to do well. One way I have approached this is discussing what I will do with my time off with my mental healthcare providers. I think having a plan is good for anyone with a mental health disorder who is looking at time off. This doesn’t mean we won’t have some freedom. I have a plan, but within that plan I am free to decide what time I get out of bed or when I will make plans with a friend. What is important is that we decide how much structure we need and what that structure looks like for us. We build a plan from there. I am a big proponent of including our mental health providers in this. They can provide feedback and advice. They can also help us be accountable. 

I know I struggle with time off. My mood will drop if I just sit around my house with no plan. One way I keep things structured is by adding activities to the calendar on my phone. I check the next day’s activities the night before. This allows me to plan. It also provides me with the ability to look forward to things. I try to do more in the morning and early afternoon because I know if I get my day started in a positive way, I am more likely to find ways to be positive the rest of the day. This is a little trick that works for me. 

If you are looking at time off and wondering how you will manage it or you have found yourself with downtime and feel like you are struggling, I encourage you to look for ways you can put some structure in your day. While structure will look different for each one of us, we can start by breaking the day into parts. Decide one thing you will do in the morning and one thing you will do in the afternoon. Put it on your calendar. Share what you are doing with someone. This can be a friend, family member, or our mental health care provider. If we do these things, we have provided ourselves with structure, we have given ourselves things to look forward to or expect, and we have provided for some accountability. 

Dealing with downtime can be difficult when we live with mental illness, but we can learn to make the best of our time. We can learn to alleviate the stress downtime can bring. We can keep ourselves from being absent from life. The key is creating our own structure. It is important to remember that we are not going to figure this out overnight. We will make mistakes. We will struggle. So, we need to remember that each day is a new day to figure things out. If with ease structure into our lives, we will find that we can cope with our mental illness in a healthier way. 

What My Dog Taught Me About Living with Depression: 4 Life Lessons That Help Me Heal

                   A year ago, my life changed in a couple ways. First, my mom became sick. Once we got her stabilized and into assisted living the pressure changed to what it is now. Difficult, but my brother and I are managing it. The major change for me came out of mom’s illness. She had a dog that needed a new home. I had never had a dog as an adult. I had never been responsible for a living being. I couldn’t keep a plant alive, but my brother told me I had to take in my mom’s little dog because he had two large dogs. I remember being terrified. Not me? I couldn’t care for this dog. Despite my fear, I took in little Panda, a senior dog who was 12 years old.

                  When Panda came to me depression and anxiety told me I would not be able to take care of her. I did not know anything about dogs. It turned out I would learn as I went. Panda would help me. She instantly found her way into my heart. It was as if she knew she needed a new home. Together we have figured out a lot of things over the last year. Now, we are inseparable. It is hard to imagine my life without Panda.

                  Panda has played a role in helping me heal from depression and anxiety. Whether it is holding her, having her lie at my feet while I write, or walking together, Panda has made me feel less depressed and less anxious,

                  I would like to share the lessons I have learned from Panda that help me as a person living with depression and anxiety. 

·      Slow down and notice – When we walk Panda stops and sniffs when something catches her attention. I have learned to stop and notice things on our walks and notice things like a rose or the colors of the sunset. Stopping and noticing helps with depression and anxiety because it requires me to interrupt thoughts. It also requires me to give myself time to notice the good in my life. Those good things do not have to be big. Examples include seeing the greens on a hill as I drive to work, listening to the laughter of a friend, or paying attention to the lyrics of a song. Sometimes we are in so much of a hurry to get things done that we forget to appreciate the little things that make us happy. Having a dog has helped me learn that I need to slow down, notice, and with that noticing appreciate what I experience.

o   Just an example: I had a rough couple of days. I think Panda knew. We took our usual late afternoon/early evening walk. Panda slowed it down. Same route, but longer to finish it. She lingered in the park as if encouraging me to notice how green the grass was. She stopped in other spots, just sniffing and focusing on whatever scent caught her attention. This left me to either watch her enjoying her stops or notice all that was going on around us. Panda “forced” me to slow down and notice. It what I needed How does Panda know? 

·      When we see a friend or loved one show that we are excited to see them/Remember we are not alone. – When I come home Panda is excited to see me. She no longer hears me come through the door. As a senior dog, her hearing may be failing. Still, the minute she sees me, her tail starts wagging. Her face lights up. Then she rolls around in this adorable way. She lets me know she is excited to see me with kisses and cuddles. Now, I am not saying you need to roll around and kiss your friends and loved ones. I think for me this is more of an understanding that we need to appreciate the people in our lives. This might mean sending a card to someone to let them know we appreciate them. It could also be as simple as spending time with others. That can be hard when we live with depression. Having Panda has taught me that I am not alone. Panda is always there for me. As I have grown more comfortable not being entirely alone, I have been more willing to spend time with others. I think this is one of the benefits of having Panda in my life. I am more willing to engage with others, something depression can prevent. In this way Panda is my little four-legged antidepressant.

·      If we are excited about something, enjoy it: This goes hand-in-hand with slow down and notice. When Panda enjoys her food, she gobbles it down. She enjoys every bite. If Panda has a treat her tail wags and she eagerly asks for one. When she sees her friend, Sammy, on one of our walks, she runs to Sammy. He runs to her. Their running shows their excitement. As someone with depression, I acknowledge that being excited is something that can be difficult. The lesson from Panda is to allow ourselves to be excited. We can search for what we enjoy. Maybe it is a new hobby or an old activity. We need to engage and allow ourselves to be excited. Panda finds excitement in the little things. We can do the same. Maybe finding excitement in the little things can lead to bigger activities when we are ready.

·      Treats are okay (Actually, treats are great!): Panda loves her treats. You should see how excited she gets. Panda knows that treats are good for her. She expects them when she finishes eating, before she goes to bed, and just when she thinks she needs one. That last one is what we need to remember. We deserve to treat ourselves when we feel like it. What the treat is will be different for each one of us, but we need to remember that treats are okay. In fact, treats are good for us. They remind us that we are worthy of good things. If we treat ourselves, we might feel a little better about ourselves, and that can lead to improving how depression impacts us.

 

I have learned that I am more than the depression that impacts me. In a way I have

known this for a while, but still struggled. When Panda entered my life things started changing. Being responsible for her gave me purpose. It gave me a reason to live life. I have learned the lessons I have outlined here. Am I perfect at carrying out all that Panda has taught me? No. I wish I was, but I am learning. Panda has helped me in so many ways. I am grateful for her. 

                  If you have a dog, or other pet, maybe you can try to notice if that pet is teaching you anything. I cannot say for sure that Panda is the reason I feel better. I have therapy, treatment (TMS and esketamine), and medication to support me. I do know that Panda has made a difference. I have learned from her. If we “listen”, pets can teach us a lot about life. Pets can help us with things like depression, even if just a little.

                  If you would like to read more about how Panda and other pets help with mental health, check out these links: Can Pets Help Our Mental Health? and How Dogs Help Depression: What Walks with My Dog taught Me About Mental Health

                                                   Panda on her 13th birthday last week

Self-Care Myths That Can Make Depression Worse (And What Actually Helps)

                  Self-care is something that is frequently talked in relation to mental health. While it is important to engage in self-care, there are some self-care myths that can actually harm our mental health. This is something I had not really given much thought. However, as I have the summer off from work. I am a teacher. So, I get the summers off. I have been hoping to engage in self-care. I am trying to figure out what that looks like. In that search I have discovered that there are self-care myths that we can get trapped in.

                  Usually, self-care is seen in a positive light. What could be bad about putting ourselves first and taking care of ourselves? Focusing on self-care can unintentionally lead to stress or guilt. We can put pressure on ourselves to engage in self-care. We might fear that we are doing it wrong. These are some of the myths. Let’s talk about a few more. 

                  Often, people think of self-care as being relaxing. Think bubble baths and candles. There is more to self-care. It is not always a relaxing activity. Sometimes self-care is taking care of things we need to get done. An example might be scheduling a therapy appointment. Therapy is an important part of healing. The appointments don’t schedule themselves. So, self-care might include taking care of scheduling that appointment. This is not relaxing, but it is part of self-care.

                  Self-care can also include doing the hard things that we need to get done to feel better about ourselves. This might include having a difficult conversation or setting a boundary. Self-care might include doing something that is hard to do because of depression or anxiety. While these do not sound like self-care, they are supporting our long-term well-being. In doing the hard stuff, we allow ourselves to feel better in the long-term. That is self-care. It is not always easy.

                  This leads to another self-care myth. Self-care does not always mean we will feel better immediately. An example is that it might take time to learn how to meditate and feel relief from it. So, while initial attempts at meditation might not make us feel good, with practice we can develop the ability to gain benefits from meditation. The same is true for other common self-care practices. Taking our medication or receiving a treatment is a form of self-care because we are doing what we need to heal. However, medications and treatments can take time to work. Remember just because an activity takes time to work, doesn’t mean it is not working. Self-care is not always a quick fix.

                  Even self-care practices that we normally find relief from can require time to work or may work one day and not the next. An example from my life is that usually writing is a form of self-care for me. There are times, however, when writing overwhelms me. I understand that sometimes I need to step away from a self-care practice for a bit. Maybe I put my pen down for a few hours and try something else. I need to remember that self-care practices do not always work as we expect. It is okay to try different things. Self-care can be about exploration. We can explore different means of self-care and build a bag of self-care activities. Just because something is labeled as self-care that does not ensure that it will always provide relief or be a quick fix.

                  A myth that sometimes pops up is that self-care looks the same for everyone. This simply is not true. What works for one person may not work for someone else. We can try different things. There are a lot of factors that go into choosing the right self-care activity. Factors can be affected by interests, cultural values, personality, finances, health, and many other things. We can all build our own self-care practice using what works for us. We are all unique individuals. As such, we can each define what self-care looks like for us.

                  Another myth is that if a self-care activity isn’t working, we are doing it wrong. Sometimes our mental illness can impact how certain activities work for us. We also need to remember that we need mental health treatment in addition to the self-care activities. Self-care activities are not intended to replace or be instead of mental healthcare treatment. Self-care should be an add-on to treatment. 

                  Along with this, we need to remember that self-care is more than positive thinking. How many of us have been told to “just think positive”? I hate that. Positive thinking can be helpful as we battle mental illness, but it is not enough. Positive thinking does not make mental illness magically disappear. So, it is a myth that positive thinking Is a self-care practice that can alleviate depression or other mental illnesses.

            Self-care is about making choices that benefit our well-being. It is about engaging in practices that make us feel better even if there is a delayed effect. Self-care is truly personal. What works for one person may not work for someone else. We need to find what works for us. We do not need to believe what others tell us about self-care or aspire to have the same experience someone else has with a type of self-care. Bubble baths and candles might work for the social media influencer, but that does not mean we need to enjoy a candlelit bubble bath. 

Our goal with self-care is to be able to care for ourselves on the good days and the bad ones. Our self-care is going to be unique to each of us. Don’t believe the myths or the hype surrounding self-care. We each can find what works for us. We must accept that this can take time and work. Talk to your mental healthcare provider about what self-care might look like for you. Ask for ideas. They know you and can make suggestions. They can also help you process your ideas for self-care. At the end of the day, self-care is what we make of it. Self-care is unique to us, and we need to be patient enough to give our chosen activities time to have an effect.