Being Vulnerable

                  When you live with illness whether mental or physical, life can be difficult. I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety. A couple years ago cancer joined the fray. As a result of these illnesses, I think I have a fairly good idea of what it is like to live with illness. Most of my life I have tried to deal with my illnesses, especially the depression and anxiety, mostly alone. I have had my psychologist for quite a while, and I have leaned on him. I have had the same psychiatrist for several years, which has been helpful. A work with a psychiatric nurse practitioner and have a primary care provider and oncologist who are always there. But it has taken time to learn to trust all of them. 

                  There is one thing that I have learned more recently that I think is vital to living with illness. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vulnerable as being “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded”.  When dealing with illnesses being vulnerable means being open, honest, and exposed, often in deeply uncomfortable ways. Vulnerability can manifest emotionally, relationally, bodily, and in terms of identity.

                  With emotional vulnerability, a person often faces fear and uncertainty. It can be uncomfortable to admit when you are in pain, scared, or not coping well. This vulnerability means acknowledging things like feelings of depression, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts. It also means admitting limitations and acknowledging a fear of mortality. 

                  With respect to relational vulnerability, it is necessary to let loved ones and/or friends see you struggling. It also means being honest with doctors, therapists, and caregivers about symptoms. We need to be honest even when we are feeling stigmatized or embarrassed. This is not easy.  We need to learn to rely on others. Many of us are not used to that. I know I wasn’t. 

                  When our bodies are affected, we may need assistance with basic tasks or need to undergo invasive procedures. Accepting this loss of privacy can be embarrassing and difficult to accept. 

                  Being vulnerable can also impact our identity. With mental illness we might fear the labels that are so often placed on people with mental illness. We don’t want to be seen as unstable or crazy.  If it is a physical illness, we may be faced with feeling weak or disabled. 

                  Vulnerability is important because if we deny our illnesses, whether mental or physical, we cannot be treated. Even though it may feel like we are being weak, expressing vulnerability is a sign of personal strength. Vulnerability allows us to accept the help we need. 

                  As I think about my own illnesses, it wasn’t until I learned that it was okay to be vulnerable that I started to heal. My mental health improved when I was vulnerable enough to share that I lived with depression and anxiety. When I allowed others to know what I was going through, I discovered compassion. I was also better able to work with my mental health care providers. This vulnerability was the first step toward getting the treatment I needed to improve my mental health. It hasn’t always been easy, and there are still times when I hesitate to admit I am struggling with depression. Being able to tell a member of my mental health team that suicidal thoughts are entering my mind requires me to be vulnerable. I have learned that it is safer for me to let them know what I am experiencing. If I want to get through those times, I need to speak up. Fortunately, I have learned that I am stronger when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

                  Being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer forced me to be vulnerable. There were a lot of things I could not do for myself. I had to be vulnerable to accept help. I am lucky that my aunt stepped in made it safe for me to be vulnerable. I had to accept that I could not take care of myself on my own. I needed help. I was probably most vulnerable with my aunt. I could admit my fears to her, and I could accept her care. Being stripped of my ability to care for myself was scary. My mental health journey had taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable. I was able to cry when I thought about my mortality. Early on I didn’t know how my fight would turn out. Would I live or would I succumb to the cancer raging within in me? I had to turn myself over to my medical team. I had to allow my aunt to care for me. In short, I had to be vulnerable. That vulnerability led to an ability to fight cancer. I learned that it was okay for me to be scared. It was okay for me to need help. 

                  Vulnerability means been willing to be seen as you are. What you are might be a mess. It might be painful and scared. It might be a person on the edge of life. But when we are seen as we are, we can be ourselves. We can accept the help we need. Most importantly, we can heal.