It’s Okay to Ask for Help

                 As National Suicide Prevention Month ends and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month begins, two awareness calls that mean a lot to me converge. Today I would like to discuss a lesson I have learned in both of my battle with suicidal thoughts and my battle with breast cancer. It is a simple lesson, yet it is so hard to learn. That lesson is it is okay to ask for help.

I have spent a lifetime struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. It took decades for me to understand that it was okay to ask for help. Even after I learned that I could ask for help, I still hesitated to ask for help. Often waiting until things became really bad before reaching out. I would wait until I came close to acting on the suicidal thoughts before asking for help. Many times, I should have reached out earlier. I’m learning. I know I need to reach out. I know there are people who not only can but want to help me. 

My breast cancer battle helped me learn that I need to accept help. I’ve discussed this battle a little on the blog. It has been a difficult battle. At times I wondered if I would make it through the battle. At times I became  weak and often needed help. In the beginning I didn’t want to have to rely on others. I wanted to be able to do what I have always done, take care of myself. Breast cancer and chemotherapy quickly taught me that it was no longer possible to do it all completely on my own. I needed to ask for and accept help. My aunt eased me into learning this lesson by being by my side every step of the way. She gently helped me and didn’t let me resist. She just did what needed to be done. It was a lot. The moments I treasure the most are when she just sat by my side letting me know I wasn’t alone. I learned that it was okay to need help. I learned that sometimes we can’t do it all on our own. 

Perhaps the lesson is that we live in community. There are people around us even when we try to isolate. We may not always know they are there, but people are beside us. Yes, some of us live lonely lives, but if we look, there are people beside us. Maybe at times it is just the mail carrier who keeps you connected by delivering your mail. Other times it is a friend or family member who sends a quick text. People are out there for each of us. We can reach out. It is important that we reach out. Whether it is suicidal thoughts or a cancer battle, we need others. 

How do we ask for help? How do we let our guard down and acknowledge that at times we can’t do it alone? It is probably different for each one of us, but I think there are some similarities. First, we need to admit to ourselves that we need help. We need to acknowledge that we need to let others in. I think the first step is saying to ourselves, “I am not doing well and I need a little help.” Maybe it means letting go of the shell that wraps around us. Maybe we only let that shell crack a little, just enough to let a little light in. 

Saying “I am not doing well” is difficult. It requires us to be vulnerable. What it also does is let someone else know that they are needed. It starts the process of accepting and receiving help. When I have been suicidal, I have reached out to my mental health team. If I hadn’t told one of them I needed help, I might not have made it through those times. In a similar way, I needed to tell my aunt when chemotherapy had me feeling like shit. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have known I needed a medication or something as simple as water. 

Asking for help is sometimes viewed as a weakness by society. That view couldn’t be further from the truth. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It shows that you know you are struggling or not doing well, but also that you recognize that with help you can get better. You are not afraid to be vulnerable. You are willing to allow others the opportunity to help you. All of this takes strength. No matter what is causing you to need help, asking for help is a sign of strength and a sign that you desire to get better.

It has taken me a long time to understand this. To be honest, sometimes I still struggle with it. I am human. There are going to be times when I struggle, times when each one of us struggles. It is okay. I try to remind myself to reach out. I am reminding you to reach out. No matter how put together your life is, there are times when you will need to reach out. The strongest among us still have times when they need to reach out. No matter what the need is, do not be afraid to say, “I need some help.” There is help out there. 

I started this post by acknowledging the convergence of two very important awarenesses in my life. I live with two illnesses, depression and breast cancer. These illnesses have led me to learn that it is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for that help. I encourage you to be aware of when you need assistance. Whatever is causing you to need help, know that you deserve that help and that it is okay to ask for it. We are stronger when we recognize our needs. 

 

It’s Okay Not to Be Okay During the Holidays

           It is that time of year when holiday expectations can be difficult for those of us living with mental illness. It is never an easy time for me.  My depression tends to get worse at this time of year.  Even this year when I have so much to be grateful for, I can feel the depression making its presence known.  The voice of depression was in my head last night as I was trying to sleep.  It is a loud voice.  Or maybe it just seems loud because it is so insistent.  I do my best to talk back to the depression.  I try not to listen to it even though it is hard.

            One thing I have learned this year is that it is okay not to be okay.  During the past year I have really struggled with my depression, especially the first half of the year.  Cancer took over the second half of the year and distracted me from some of the depression.  Through my mental health team, I have learned that even though I am depressed, I am still human.  They have taught me that it is okay to be depressed.  It is an illness.  It is not who I am.  The support of Dr. Klein, Dr. S, Stephanie, and Cristina has brought me out of the darkness.  Even on my worst days they let me know it is the illness and not me.  

            The support of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has also taught me this lesson.  Even when depression is at its darkest, it is okay.  There is a light of hope waiting for us.  There is support out there.  Whether it is through psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists or through groups like NAMI, people care and want to support those of us with mental illness.  Sometimes it is hard to remember that, but they keep reminding us.  I know I can find support when I reach out to my team or to NAMI. 

            Knowing that it is okay not to be okay is especially important during the holiday season.  The holidays as I have mentioned in other posts can be difficult for many of us.  The thoughts I was having last night remind me of how hard it is to navigate the holidays.  I try to remind myself that I have gotten through holidays every year so far.  I can do it again.  However, I do need help.  I have found leaning on my team and a support group help.  Writing about my depression helps.  Focusing on the gratitude I feel for how I am making progress in my fight against cancer helps me through this time.  

            Each one of us faces different emotions during the holidays.  For some of us it is depression.  For others, it is grief and remembering those who have been lost that make the holidays difficult.  I have a dear friend and a special cousin who deal with loss at this time of year.  Our struggles are not that different. We feel our emotions deeply.  Others struggle with addiction.  No matter what our struggle is during the holiday season, we are allowed to feel it and deal with it in our own ways.  There is no one way to deal with not being okay during the holidays.  The one thing that matters is that we recognize that it is okay not to be okay.  The holidays don’t have to be merry and bright.  For some of us the holidays are spotted with darkness.  For others that darkness is all-consuming.  Whatever we are facing, it is okay.  We need to take each moment as it comes.  One moment at a time.  Take life at our own speed.  We need to accept that the darkness is a part of our experience.  Those of us with mental illness can remind ourselves that it is an illness.  Those suffering from a loss can remind themselves that losing a loved one hurts for a long time.  The one thing we all have in common is the knowledge that it is okay not to be okay.  So, during this holiday season, give yourself a break.  Remind yourself that it is okay to struggle during the holidays.  In fact, it is okay to struggle at any time of the year. 

            If you have a support system, reach out to them.  If you are looking for a support system, try reaching out to NAMI (https://www.nami.org/Home).  They have excellent resources and support groups.  I have benefitted from them.  I have even given back by volunteering with NAMI.  

            This holiday season enjoy what you can, feel what you need to.  Take the time to take care of yourself.  Remember, it is okay to not be okay.