I’m sitting in the chair at chemo listening to music while the chemo drips into me. As Grace Slick’s “Let It Go” was playing I was struck by a thought. She refers to people telling her how she should sing a song. She says she doesn’t care how others say she should sing. She is going to sing whatever way she feels. This song has always been important to me. It has been an integral part of my battle with depression. Grace’s lyrics in this song have stopped me from attempting suicide in the past.
Now in my cancer battle, the lyrics take on new meaning. Sometimes I think I am supposed to feel a certain way because I have cancer. I wonder if people are thinking I’ve got to fight a certain way. I see people feeling sorry for me. These feelings belong to other people. No one can feel what I am experiencing. My feelings are my feelings. I’m going to experience them in my own unique way. This battle is mine. I will feel it in different ways. I will be able to fight at times. Honestly, I hope I can fight most of the time. Realistically, I know there will be times when I don’t feel like fighting. That’s okay. This battle is going to take me on a roller coaster.
I appreciate others trying to understand, but in reality, only I can comprehend what I am going through. I have contradictory thoughts as I mentioned the other day. Those are difficult for others to understand. Just the other day I told someone that I have accepted my bald head, but when I look in a mirror my reflection screams “cancer” back at me. The person questioned how both can be true. How can I have accepted my hair loss and still hear cancer screamed at me when I see my reflection? That is the contradiction at work. I have two illnesses, depression and cancer, vying for my attention. They have different agendas. These two illnesses each affect me in their own ways. I respond to each differently. So, I will battle my way. I will feel what I feel wholly and deeply. I will react in whatever way I need to. Like Grace Slick singing her songs whatever way she feels, I am going to fight depression and cancer whatever way I feel. I can’t predict how this battle will end, but I must let everything go and fight the way I feel is right for me.
I ask that all of you continue to support me as I fight. Know that even if I don’t always say it, having you by my side means a lot and is truly helping me. Know that I am fighting the best way I know how. Today a wise coaching colleague reminded me of Jimmy Valvano’s words, “Don’t’ give up, don’t ever give up!” That is how I am going to fight. I needed those words today. Thank you, Coach.
