TMS: A Firsthand Account

    Recently, I shared a post by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP-BC.  It provided a psychiatric nurse practitioner’s perspective and experience with transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).  Today I would like to share my experience as a patient.  

            My psychiatrist, Dr. S, first brought up the possibility of trying TMS in 2019.  I was struggling with depression.  Medication just did not help.  We discussed TMS and I was open to trying it.  

            When I first walked into SoCal TMS I did not know much about this treatment.  I had some basic information that Dr. S had shared with me.  I knew that she thought it could help me and I trusted that.  The SoCal TMS staff explained the treatment to me.  I filled out rating forms.  I completed all the necessary steps to get started.  Still, I didn’t know what to expect as we got started.  

            I was depressed.  I could not see my life outside of the darkness of depression.  I struggled with suicidal thoughts.   I was not sure anything could help me.  But Dr. S thought TMS was worth trying as did my psychologist Dr. K.  I was ready to give it a try.

            So, what is TMS like.  First, I sat in a large chair that reclined.  The psychiatrist and techs took measurements of my head.  They situated me in the chair and fitted a pad to the top of my head.  Soon I felt tapping.  It did not hurt.  There was a sort of rhythm to it.  They measured reactions to the magnetic taps in my hand. Quickly, they found the right settings and I was set for my first treatment.

            I attended treatment daily.  At first there were no noticeable changes, but the psychiatrist and techs encouraged me to be patient.  They said it would happen.  I just had to give it time.  Each session lasted about 45-50 minutes.   They were treating both my depression and anxiety.  

            After about three weeks I noticed my mood lifting. I felt lighter.  My thoughts were not as dark.  TMS was working.  I could feel the depression lifting.  I could not believe it.  I had never felt this type of lifting of my mood before.  Over the remainder of the treatment, my mood continued to improve.  I literally felt as if a weight had been lifted off me.  No medication had ever made me feel like this.  TMS was working.

            The psychiatrist explained to me that it was not a permanent change, but that I could expect to feel this way for several months.  He told me that the lifting of the depression lasts different lengths for different people. He promised me that when the depression came back, he would use TMS again to relieve it.  

            I could not believe how I felt.  I was not clouded in darkness.  For me it lasted several months.  When the symptoms of depression returned, Dr. S sent me back to SoCal TMS.  This time I was treated by Dr. Hutton, one of the leaders in TMS treatment and the head of SoCal TMS.  I learned a lot from him.  He set me up with treatment again.  My experience the second time was similar to the first time.  Again, around the third week, I felt the depression lifting.  By the end of treatment, I was feeling good.  

            TMS has been a godsend for me. I have lived with depression for almost four decades.  Noting had ever relieved it the way TMS does.  I do not understand all the science behind it, although Stephanie has explained a lot of it to me.  The one thing I do know is that TMS works.  

            Now, I monitor my mood.  I know when it is time for TMS treatment.  I am confident TMS will help me.  So, I will return each time it is necessary.  Based on my experience, I would recommend TMS to others struggling with depression.  If you haven’t already read Stephanie Debnath’s post on this blog, Renewed and Recharged (TMS),  from October 20, I encourage you to read it.  You can also learn more about how TMS works in my memoir, Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness. Check out SoCal TMS’s website and social media for more information and to connect with them.  See links below.

            I am not a mental health professional, but I can speak from my own experience.  TMS works for me.  I know it works for others.  I believe in this treatment, and I encourage others to explore it for themselves.

 

Links:

 

Get more information from SoCal TMS:

https://socaltms.com/

 

Learn about TMS in my book:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/traveling-the-healing-journey-gina-capobianco/1142298691?ean=9798218067380

 

https://www.amazon.com/Traveling-Healing-Journey-Finding-Illness/dp/B0BFW7MVG5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1U96Z0EWXCQ8&keywords=gina+capobianco&qid=1698627517&sprefix=gina+capobia,aps,143&sr=8-1

 

            

                           

A Poem About Living with Depression

            I am going through some difficult things right now and couldn’t write a post for today.  My mind is just not in the right place to write.  Not being able to write actually adds to my struggle.  I hope you will forgive me for not having more to post today.  I hope to have one written for Monday.  For today, I am going to share a poem that I wrote in the past about living with depression.  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

 

Depression

 

Depression hurts.

It is a silent pain.

Often hidden from others.

A smile on the outside masks the torment within my mind.

Words spin in my head.

Thoughts that will not stop create a barrage that drags me down.

No one hears these thoughts.

Others cannot comprehend the pain caused by these nagging words.

Depression is a lonely condition.

One that so often a person battles alone.

Out of fear that others will not understand, I isolate myself.

The depression gathers strength.

I worry others will notice and think that I am weak.

Despite knowing the depression is real, 

I fear others will belittle my affliction.

Society does not recognize the reality of depression.

People tell me to cheer up.

They do not understand that I would if I could.

There is no on-and-off switch.

I will continue to fight depression.

Some days the depression will win;

Other days I will win.

A lifelong battle with an invisible illness.

Depression hurts, depression debilitates,

But my silent battle preserves.

 

Check back on Monday, July 24^th for my next post.

 

A Personal Observation About Healthcare for People with Mental Illness

            There is something on my mind. I was just in the hospital for physical health-related issues. For the most part everyone was great, but I have one concern. The doctor on the unit stopped my depression medication. Now medications don’t work for me, but my psychiatrist has decided to keep me on this one while we pursue alternative treatments. How can the doctor just take me off it? I have enough experience with psychiatric medications to understand that tapering is needed. So, I questioned why my medication was stopped. I said my psychiatrist, whom I trust, says I need it. After my questioning, another doctor said I could take it, but that I would have to get someone to bring it to me from home because the hospital doesn’t have it. I understand I’m on a medication that is not very common, but that’s not my fault. 

      My concern is that my needs as a person with a mental illness were dismissed by a doctor providing care for my physical needs. I shouldn’t have to speak up to get the medication I need. This is an example of one of the many problems people with mental illness face in healthcare. We must get better.

            I do want to say that there are good people in healthcare.  The nurses were understanding about why I needed my medication.  My primary care provider understands mental health and always ensures my needs are met.  Unfortunately, there are others out there who are not understanding whether from lack of training or lack of care. This is not the first time I have experienced this type of treatment.  I’ll return to this topic in later posts and share my experiences and invite others to share theirs.

 

Check back Thursday, July 19^th for my next post.

            

 

 

 

Helpful Words to Say to Someone with Depression

            In my last post I discussed things people with depression are told to do that we just can’t do.  These well-meant words just aren’t helpful.  That leaves the question, “What helpful things can be said to someone with depression?”  First, we must understand that everyone with depression is different.  We are going to respond to different words, but there are some common things that can be helpful.  It is important to remember to be sincere.  Let the person know you care and are interested in understanding how he or she feels.  

            Let’s start out with a list of some phrases that may be helpful:

 

·      “I’m here for you.”

·      “You are not alone.”

·      “I care even if I don’t understand.”

·      “Would you like me to sit with you?”

·      “I can listen if you would like to talk.”

·      “What can I do for you?”

·      “Let me know what you need.”

·      “I’m always here even if you don’t want to talk.  We can just sit.”

·      “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”

·      “Do you want to talk about it?’

·      “It’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.”

 

            Words such as these let the person know that you are there for them.  These phrases emphasize that you value how the person is feeling and that you care.  When you speak in this way you are letting the person with depression know that their feelings and their illness are valid.  That is key.  Don’t give the person “feel good” platitudes, like “cheer up.”  We see right through those.  As a person with depression, I would you rather you be honest and say that you are trying to understand than have you tell me everything will be fine.

            It is okay if you don’t understand depression.  It is okay if you don’t have the words to make me feel better.  I don’t expect you to understand or to make me feel better.  You wouldn’t be able to cure a friend’s cancer.  The same is true of depression.  Just sit with me.  Let me know that you care.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone with depression is to just be there.  Depression is a lonely illness.  Having you sit by my side can comfort me a little.  It lets me know you care.  

            Asking me what I need lets me know that you honor my understanding of my illness.  As you spend time with me, I am likely to share some of my coping strategies with you.  Then, in time, you will be able to remind me to try one of those when I am struggling.  I am more likely to trust you with my feelings and listen to your suggestions, if I know you are listening to me.  

            Sometimes, just being with a person with depression is enough.  We need to know others see our illness as real.  We need to know that we are valued despite our illness.  Knowing we will not be abandoned and knowing we do not need to hide our illness allow us to open up to you.  It also goes a long way in helping us heal.

 

Be sure to check back for my next post on Thursday, July, 13^th.

Things a Person with Depression Can’t Do

            Those of us with depression are capable of doing more than we think.  We have an inner strength that enables us to live with this debilitating illness.  The fact that you are reading this post, the fact that I am writing it, both take strength.  There are many things it is not easy to do with depression, but we do them. 

            There are things we can’t do.  Unfortunately, these are things we are often told to do by well-meaning people.  How many of us have heard something on this list?

 

·      Just cheer up.

·      Think happy thoughts.

·      Change your mindset.

·      Think positive.

·      Just smile.

·      Look on the bright side.

·      Remember others have it worse.

·      Just get over it.

 

            We have all heard these statements in some form or another.  They are said by well-meaning people who just don’t understand.  They are well-meant words that do more harm than good.  I try to ignore them.  I tell myself the other person just doesn’t understand.  Sometimes, though, these greeting card platitudes make me angry.  They are hurtful.  These words make it sound like I can control how the depression affects me.  I can’t.  Depression is an illness.  I cannot snap my fingers and improve my mood.  A fake smile is not going to help me anymore than it would help someone with cancer.   

            People with depression can’t just “think happy thoughts” and be healed.  Often, we don’t see “the bright side”.  Depression covers that “side” up in our minds.  If we could just change our mindset, we would.  Doing that requires treatment.  It requires therapy, medication, and sometimes more intense, non-traditional treatments.  We understand the importance of thinking positive, but depression steals that ability from us.  It is not a matter of just flipping a switch and being happy. Depression is an illness, not a way of thinking we can turn off and on at will.

            We understand that people have it worse.  That doesn’t diminish our condition.  Depression is painful.  It is debilitating.  Depression can take lives just like other illnesses.  The difference is society doesn’t recognize the gravity of depression until it is too late.   When someone dies from depression by suicide, people say they didn’t see the signs.  They say they had no idea.  The signs were there.  The person probably heard those platitudes from the list above.  Hearing those and knowing we just can’t do it, make our depression worse.  Depression may not get the attention cancer or heart disease get, but it can be just as debilitating and all three can lead to death.

            When someone has a broken leg or has surgery, they receive get well cards and flowers.  When those of us with depression are struggling with our illness, we get platitudes, like “just smile”.  We are told to do things we just can’t do because of our illness.  Until that changes, we will remain misunderstood and mistreated because of our illness.  Depression is an illness, and it cannot be cured by greeting card slogans. 

 

Check back Monday, July 10^th for a post sharing helpful things you can say to someone with depression.

Depression: What I Know and Don’t Know

    I know a lot about depression.  I am more familiar with it than I ever wanted to be.  I know its definition. I know its symptoms and its treatments.  I know the coping strategies.  I know how it affects me.  I know what it is has stolen from me.  I know depression is an illness.  It is an illness that lasts a lifetime.  I am intimately close to depression.  It has been haunting me for decades.  

I should be an expert by now, but I am not.  I am just a person suffering from this illness.  Sure, I know a lot.  It is not enough.  Depression is an ever-evolving beast.  An illness that interferes with my life no matter how much knowledge I have.

            There is so much I don’t know. Like, why did depression choose me? Why have I lived in the darkness since such a young age? Why has it left me wanting to die? Why haven’t I taken that final step? Why do I get treatment when so many others don’t? Why doesn’t medication work for me? Why is depression never satisfied? It always must take more. Why does depression lie? Whose voice is it using? Why does depression have so much strength? 

            Depression has filled me with questions. Some will be left forever unanswered. I’ve been helped to find the answers to others thanks to my support team. But there will always be questions.

            You see there are more questions than answers. To battle this illness, we must not allow ourselves to become consumed by the questions. There are professionals whose job it is to find the answers. Many of them are very good at what they do. Let’s allow them to do their job. We, the ones living with depression, need to focus on the light. Keep our minds on what brings us healing. Follow our treatment plans. Reach out to our support systems. Live as best as we are capable of living. Know that it is okay to have depression. It is an illness. It is a part of us, but it does not define us.

            The questions will always be there.  In many ways, the answers do not matter.  Depression is what it is.  Depression is a debilitating illness.  At times we can fight it better than other times.  I try not to dwell on the questions, although sometimes I get caught up in wanting to know.  It is difficult.  I want to defeat depression, but I know it will always be there lurking.  I ask the questions, but try to be content with the lack of answers.  I’ll never know why depression chose me.  Maybe that is okay.  I understand what I need to know.  I am not ignorant when it comes to this illness.  I have accepted that there is much I do not understand. What I do know about depression is enough to help me fight this illness.  

Living with an Invisible Illness

            Depression is an invisible illness.  So often, others cannot see the pain and the struggle the sufferer goes through.  There are no physical markers like a cast or cane.  There is no pale or jaundiced skin.  Often, it is hidden behind the façade of a smile.  It is not unusual for a person with depression to look “normal”, to look as if they are functioning just fine.  The truth of the illness is hidden.  It’s pain unknown to others because it is within the mind.  No one sees the debilitating thoughts.  No one sees the weight that drags us down.  The darkness is ours alone.  

            On the outside people with depression can look ordinary.  While inside they are ravaged by an illness that has no mercy.  Often, we can go about our daily activities without anyone knowing.  We lie and say we are tired or that we just need some rest.  The reality is that depression is tearing us apart.  We are living behind a façade.  Alone, the illness hurts, makes us want to scream out in pain.  

            We hide because others don’t understand.  They tell us to smile, tell us to cheer up.  Don’t they know we would if we could?  Others do not believe our illness is real.  They believe that we just need to think positive. Ha!! Would they tell some with high blood pressure to think their pressure was lower?  Would they tell someone with cancer to just think positive? Why then do those of us with depression hear such platitudes from others? 

            Depression is an illness.  Those of us who live with it know its reality.  We cannot just think ourselves well.  Telling us to, only makes the pain worse.  People mean well.  They want us to be happy, but depression is more than being unhappy.  It is an all-consuming condition.  It affects our mood, our thoughts, our physical health.  Depression requires treatment, not just positive words.  One glance at the statistics shows that depression can cause death.  It is not an illness that will get better on its own.  People need to understand the importance of treatment.  People need to understand the severity of the illness.  Stop saying, “Smile, you have so much to be happy about.” Instead, ask us what we need.  Listen to us, really hear what we are saying.  Encourage us to seek treatment.  Don’t make jokes about therapy.  It is a valuable part of healing for us.  Allow us to take days off for our mental health just as we would If we had the flu or a migraine.  

            Depression does not have to be an invisible illness.  With understanding and awareness, we can change things.  We can help people who suffer from depression.  We can let them know their illness is real and that we want them to heal. 

            I would like to share a poem with you that attempts to describe living with this invisible illness:

 

An Invisible Illness

 

I see it in the eyes of others.

They wonder how I can have an illness

When I seem to function so well. 

My illness is invisible at times,

But it is always there.

Plaguing my mind;

Hindering my life.

I hold so much pain inside;

Pretend the physical symptoms are not real.

Mental illness is often silent on the outside.

Others do not understand what I go through each day.

They assume I am okay.

Sometimes I even tell them I am.

It is my attempt to normalize how I feel,

But it is a lie.

Mental illness hurts.

Invisible at first glance.

Devasting when truly seen.

If others could see the torment

Maybe they would understand and

Life might be a little easier for me.

The pain of an invisible illness is hard to explain.

So, I do my best to hide it. 

When really, I should explain to anyone who will listen.

Let others know what it is like.

Raise awareness

And allow myself a chance to heal.

Check back Monday, July 3 for the next post: "Depression: What I Know and What I Don't Know".