Living with What Ifs

                  I woke up this morning not knowing what I would post about today. I’ve already posted about gratitude this month. Even though it is Thanksgiving week gratitude would be a redundant post. I wondered what I could write about. Then as I sat in a support group something came up for me that I haven’t explored in writing. So, I thought I would start that exploration in today’s post. 

                  “What if?” That’s a question that consumes my thoughts frequently. There are “what ifs” in my cancer battle and “what ifs” in my mental health journey. Sometimes these thoughts are scary, and I try to force them to the back of my mind. The thoughts bring tears to my eyes as they echo in my mind. I’m not sure that I am coping with them in the most productive way. It is hard to discuss these thoughts. I can express them to my mental health team at times, but even then, sometimes I don’t know how to verbalize these thoughts. 

                  Every time I feel a pain my mind jumps to “what if it is more cancer?” As I write this, I am experiencing pain in my leg that my mind tells me is cancer. My last pet scan was good, but my mind tells me it didn’t scan my whole femur, and that the cancer wasn’t caught. A ridiculous thought, but a thought that scares me. After I complained about the pain to my primary care provider, she ordered an x-ray. It has been a week since the x-ray, and I haven’t heard the results. So, of course my mind assumes the worse. I don’t see my primary for another week. That means the “what ifs” are going to live in my brain until then. 

                  The “what ifs” pop up every time I have blood drawn or have a pet scan. Is this my life now? Are “what ifs” just a part of my life? Cancer has changed a lot about my life. What if I don’t get better? What if the next pet scan shows new tumors? What if the next blood draw shows a high tumor marker? These are questions I continually ask. Unfortunately, most of the time I ask these questions in my mind and don’t hear a response that puts me at ease. 

                  The “what ifs” exist with my mental health as well. I often feel like the depression is just waiting to darken my world. When I am doing well, I wonder how long I can remain in a positive state. Surely, the darkness is lurking around the corner. What if the suicidal thoughts start again? These thoughts pop up whenever they want. They don’t care if I am working to overcome them. They don’t care if I have fought cancer so I could live these past 15 months. The suicidal thoughts creep in when they want. Treatment helps, but it is not foolproof. My mind has worked this way for decades. I sometimes wonder if the suicidal thoughts will ever completely go away. I find myself asking, “what if I could live without these thoughts?”  

                  Fighting cancer, depression, and anxiety at the same time has allowed the “what ifs” to take up residency in my brain. How can two words create such pain? I wish I knew how to make the “what ifs” go away. Sometimes I want to reach out to a friend or someone in my family, but then I feel like I am burdening them. I have my mental health team, but I wonder if they tire of me having the same thoughts. Sometimes distraction works, but I am not good at finding distractions. 

                  Maybe the “what ifs” are just a part of my life. Honestly, I hate the “what ifs”. I wish I could silence their questioning. Who knows? One day I might figure it out. Although that seems unlikely. I need to figure out how to respond to the “what ifs”. I would like to tell them to shut up. Instead, I probably need to work on responding to them with positive thoughts. If not positive thoughts, I need to at least respond with rationale thoughts. This is probably a conversation I should have in therapy. I can’t keep avoiding the “what ifs.” They are hurting me and impacting the way I cope with cancer and mental illness. I guess writing about them here is a start to dealing with them constructively. Has anyone reading this dealt with the “what ifs” in some aspect of your life? If so, what advice can you share?

 

 

My Journey

                  Today I am sharing a poem that I wrote a few years ago. It is in my book A Light Amidst the Darkness: Illuminating Mental Illness and Suffering. (It is available for order in your local bookstore or on Amazon at A Light Amidst the Darkness.) I have always been on a journey with my mental health. It has been a battle. I have sunk into the very deep and dark depths of depression. I have emerged from those depths at times only to sink back into them. The journey hasn’t been easy, but lights have guided me. I have hung onto the shining of those lights to keep myself going.

                  Last year breast cancer hopped on my journey. Cancer has made my ride even more difficult, but I remain on this journey. It has been rough. Cancer is a fight. Depression is also a fight. They affect me in different ways, but I fight both with the same hope that I will heal. As my cancer journey has intertwined with my depression journey new lights have emerged to help me navigate this illness. These lights join with the lights that were already with me to illuminate the darkness depression and cancer thrust upon me. 

                  This journey has pummeled me at times. It has also made me stronger. I am fighting. I have found a will and a desire to live. I fight with every ounce of strength I have inside of me. I hold onto my lights. They guide me and provide hope. It is a hope that one day I won’t need to fight so hard, a hope that healing is possible. 

Some days I struggle to maintain this hope. I know the struggle is a part of the illnesses that have attacked me. The struggle itself isn’t what makes me stronger. My lights give me strength. I draw on their hope to grow my own. Their faith in me carries me and allows me to believe in hope for myself. This journey has not been easy. At times it has been hell. Still, I travel on. I continue forward holding on to my lights, knowing that I am healing even when I don’t see it.

 

My Journey

 

I have learned to trust my journey.

It has been a hard and arduous journey,

But I have continued onward.

Long bouts of darkness have clouded my life;

Dragged me to depths I dare not describe.

Days seemed like nights.

My life blurring into one long day.

Specks of light have glimmered throughout my journey.

Many only pausing as they passed.

A few lights have guided my travels;

Remained by my side.

My journey has a purpose.

I travel through life for a reason.

Hope flickers in the distance.

Drawing me ever closer.

I know darkness will attempt to follow me;

Always be nearby.

But now I see a destination;

Grab onto the hope that beckons me.

I allow myself to continue on this journey

Though I take on a new role.

The journey no longer controls me.

I have become my own guide.

As I continue forth the light begins to shine more often.

Breaking through the dark clouds.

My journey will continue.

As now I look forward with a smile.

Ready to embrace the light that guides me.

 

 

I’m Still Here

                  My life has been a series of battles. Most often I have battled depression. It first started when I was in my early teens and has continued for over 35 years. Depression and I are old sparring pals. We have had knockdown, drag out fights. Depression has tried to take my life many times. Despite depression’s efforts, I have fought back each time. I have not always been able to fight back alone, but I have fought back. I have stared depression’s death threats in the eye. 

                  I have learned to live with depression and its partner, anxiety. By no means has it been easy. In fact, it has taken a lot out of me and cost me a lot. I have missed out on a lot in life because of these two foes, but I continue living. There have been good times and there have been bad times. Unfortunately, there have also been some really bad times. At times I have felt like I was being dragged through hell. Despite this, I am still here.

                  Cancer joined the fray a little over a year ago. It burst into my life at stage 4, poised to kill me as it spread. It was a diagnosis I was unprepared for and not expecting. Even though I was scared and unsure about my opponent, I fought. My years of fighting depression and anxiety taught me that I had a fight inside of me. The fight with cancer was different.  It made me physically sick and very weak. Of course, depression and anxiety loved this and piled on. 

How did I fight mental and physical illness at the same time? It doesn’t seem possible that I have emerged from the battles. But I’m still here. First, I must credit the people around me. My aunt was by my side from diagnosis on. Other family and friends were there. My mental health team was there throughout. My psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioner lifted me up and helped me keep the depression and anxiety at bay as I focused on fighting cancer. They encouraged and empowered me. I was blessed with an amazing oncologist who put my cancer in the crosshairs and attacked it. My primary care provider was there to encouraged me and keep me fighting. Two nurses stepped into my life and taught me how to fight. One, my oncology nurse navigator, showed me how to dance atop cancer. She helped me find a rhythm in this battle and gave me a reason to smile. The other nurse, my primary’s nurse, lifted me up with encouragement and reminded that me I would be okay.

Depression, anxiety and cancer have all taken aim at me. They have pushed me to the edge. At times I didn’t believe I had the strength to fight. I thought I would lose the battle. The people around me wouldn’t let me give up. I took their belief in my ability to fight and did just that. I fought. I have won battles, but I know this is a war. I will need to continue fighting. That’s okay. I’ve learned there is a fight in me. I hope others see it and find the fight within themselves. That would give my fight more meaning.

Good things have come out of my fight. For one, I’m still alive. Obvious one there. But there are other things. I’ve learned to live in the moment. Tomorrow isn’t promised. We need to do what we want to do and say what we want to say while we have the opportunity. Two things I want to do are go to Italy and write. So, I’m doing them. In October, I will head to Italy with a friend. I will explore the towns my family came from. I will see beautiful works of art and eat incredible food. Every day I write. I have submitted pieces for publication, and I post on this blog twice a week. In addition, I am working on two books that I hope to publish before the end of the year. 

The illnesses I fight chose me. I didn’t choose them. Despite how much they have torn me down, I have learned from depression, anxiety, and cancer. I have learned the value of life. I have learned who is important in my life and I know I have some wonderful people supporting me. Depression, anxiety, and cancer tried to take me life, but I’m still here.

 

EGBOK

                   Last year I learned something from Stephanie, the psychiatric nurse practitioner who has overseen my treatment with esketamine and TMS (and has written guest posts on my blog (Gardening the Mind -Esketamine Treatment and Renewed and Recharged - TMS) She taught me to remember this simple acronym: EGBOK. It stands for “Everything’s Going to Be Okay”.  She shared this with me at a time when I was really struggling with depression. It was just before my cancer diagnosis. EGBOK took on even more meaning for me as I battled both my mental illness and cancer. When you fight illness, whether mental or physical, you spend a lot of time worrying about the worst. Often, you feel like you won’t get better. Over the past year I have had to fight hard. EGBOK has carried me through my battles.

                  On the surface “everything’s going to be okay” seems like simple advice, but it is really quite deep. Its deepness lies in its simplicity. When I am reminded to focus on EGBOK, I can take things down to a basic level. It allows me to focus on one thing, the fact that I am going to be okay. I don’t need to focus on the darkness of my depression or the seriousness of my cancer. I tune my mind into one thing, being okay in the moment. If I take things one moment at a time, I am better able to cope. I am learning to focus on being okay in the moment. I’ll admit that I need help remembering this at times, but that is okay. We all need help at times.

I have learned that depression is going to run its course. It is going to cause me to experience darkness and make me want to give up. In those moments I need to allow my mind to see EGBOK. The letters are a light giving me hope. At times I become overcome with depression. The darkness becomes too much for me. If I reach out to Stephanie in these moments, she reminds that everything’s going to be okay (EGBOK). Those five letters remind me to take a deep breath and trust in my healing. 

                  The same thing happens when anxiety about my cancer builds up. I need to trust that everything’s going to be okay. I have a medical team that is doing everything necessary to bring me healing. For that reason, I can believe in EGBOK. I often worry that scan results are going to show new tumors. I am learning that even if the results show tumors, my doctor is ready. Everything is going to be okay. Even if I need chemotherapy again, I am going to be okay. I just need to be ready to fight and believe that I will be okay. 

                  EGBOK doesn’t mean that I can always do it on my own. Rather, I often need to accept the help of my mental health and medical teams. I need to trust that with them by my side I am going to be okay. 

                  What do you do if you do not have a team or others you can rely on? That is a difficult question. Even though it can be hard, I believe reaching out is a key to healing and being okay. Maybe you can join a support group. NAMI has groups and classes for mental health. I have found support in NAMI. There are support groups for physical illnesses. I attend a support group through the Cancer Support Community. We can all find a way to be okay. That doesn’t mean the illness will go away, but we can come to terms with it, learn to battle the illness, and live our best lives. 

                  Even though I understand EGBOK, I still need reminders. That is okay. We are not alone in this world. We are not alone in our illnesses. At times we are going to feel like we are alone. In those moments, we need to remind ourselves that everything’s going to be okay. Maybe write EGBOK on a Post-It note and stick where you will see it. I wear a bracelet that Stephanie gave me with EGBOK engrained on it. Let EGBOK serve as a reminder that you can get through whatever you are facing.             

 

Get Cancer Screenings - (Formerly titled Fear)

                  I just learned that the actress, Shannen Dougherty passed away. She lost her battle with stage 4 breast cancer. Her death hit me because not only was she battling the same illness I am fighting, but she was also around my age. I read about her battle. She had been fighting for years. She chose to live as she fought. It sounds like she had a very positive approach to her battle. In the end, the cancer took her life.

                  I know this is a depression blog, but reading about Dougherty’s passing has entered my thoughts and my depression and anxiety are already at work finding similarities and making doomsday comments in my head. Maybe those thoughts would be there without the depression, but my mental illnesses intensify the thoughts. 

                  Obviously, I didn’t know Dougherty. I do know her struggle. My cancer battle has not been as long as hers, but I still understand. I am sure we shared the fear the consumes you when you hear the words stage 4 breast cancer. I would assume we both shed tears when we learned the cancer had spread to other parts of our bodies. Fear of dying likely consumed both of us. I read that she was working to raise money and awareness for cancer. She was using her fight to help others. I admire that. Even though I have cancer I have chosen to spread awareness about the mental illness I fight. Now, I wonder if I should do more for cancer awareness. This blog is my platform. So, I figure it is okay to step aside from the depression for one day and write about cancer. 

                  Let’s start with early detection. I encourage everyone to have the tests recommended by their doctors. Women, get mammograms and cervical exams. In most cases these tests will detect cancer early. You need to get these tests regularly. If you experience unusual symptoms see your doctor. It is better to check than to wait until it is too late. Early detection allows doctors to treat cancer in its beginning stages, which increases survival chances. Cancer can be an aggressive bitch. Do all you can to catch it early. 

                  Dougherty lost her battle at a young age, but she shared her story and in doing so likely encouraged some women to get mammograms. Sharing stories is important. I share my story of life with depression, anxiety, and cancer in the hopes it helps someone. We are all in this life together. If my story helps someone than it has served a purpose. My fight will not have been in vain. 

                  Reading about Dougherty while I am waiting for pet scan results scares me. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t think about my own mortality. I have pains that I can’t explain. My head tells me the pains mean more cancer. Even though my oncologist has told me that the pains are not likely cancer, my head won’t let go of those thoughts. I hope to get the results in a few days. I’m waiting for my phone to ring, hoping it is my oncologist with good news. What if it is not? Well, then I guess I jump back into fight mode. Fighting cancer is not easy, but fighting depression hasn’t been either and I’ve done it. 

                  My thoughts and prayers go out to Dougherty’s family. I hope they know that her openness about her cancer helped people. I have a much smaller platform, but I hope my openness can help others. Cancer is a terrible illness, one that hopefully doctors will eradicate someday. Until then we need to continue sharing our stories and encourage others to get the necessary tests to detect cancer early. Lives depend on it. 

Experiencing a Red-Letter Day

                  Living with depression and cancer I find that my days are often difficult. I feel down and have a hard time seeing the good in my day. That is part of the nature of depression. Sadly, I am very used to my days being like this. Last week I had a day that was very different. I would even describe it as a red-letter day. A red-letter day is a day that is special, happy, or memorable. 

How did this red-letter day break through my depression? I woke up earlier than usual because it was a treatment day. Those days usually remind me that I am battling cancer. I am doing well in my battle, so treatment days have become easier, but they are still tough.  Shortly after getting out of bed, I checked my email. There was an email from a cancer website that I had submitted two essays to a couple weeks earlier. The email stated that both of my essays had been selected for their website. I had to read it twice to believe it. These two essays were my first submissions, and both were selected. I quickly clicked on the link. My words were on the page. Two essays chronicling my fight with cancer. The second essay shared how my depression and suicidal ideation impacted my cancer fight. 

Writing has always been an important part of my life as I have explained on this blog in the past. It has been a part of my healing toolkit. Having my writing selected for a website was a big step for me. The importance struck me as I read my words. I couldn’t wait to share this with my aunt who was taking me to treatment. She knew how much this meant. I was beaming when I told her. Beaming is not a word that would normally be used to describe myself. Sunshine was breaking through my clouds of darkness. My aunt pointed out the smile on my face. I walked into treatment smiling. Since my essays shared my experiences with those who care for me during my treatment sessions, I excitedly gave them the link. I shared it with my mental health team by email while I was receiving the infusion. For the first time in a long while, I experienced what it means to be on cloud nine. 

This red-letter day has given me encouragement to continue writing my story. As I sit here writing this post, I know that my words can reach people. My hope to write a memoir about this battle I have been waging is a real possibility. Experiencing this success has encouraged me to keep writing. I think encouragement is the key outcome of this red-letter day. Even though times get dark because of my depression, good days are possible. I now understand that I need to embrace these times when they come. 

In all honesty I will share that an email later in the day with an abnormal test result threatened my red-letter day. I almost allowed an email that did not contain specific information to steal my joy. Unfortunately, a lifetime of depression has taught me that the negative is always lurking. I needed help to push this result out of my mind. There was nothing I could do with it when I received it. I knew I would need to wait for my medical team to handle it. I am grateful that I had someone there to remind me it was a red-letter day, and I couldn’t allow a negative to steal it from me. 

That’s the thing about red-letter days. We must embrace them when they arrive. They don’t come often and if we allow negatives to interfere, we are missing out on moments that can have a positive impact on our mental health. Red-letter days are not going to permanently erase depression, but they can help lift it for a while. 

If you are interested in reading the essays that led to my red-letter day, they can be found at this link: 

https://www.curetoday.com/view/dancing-through-breast-cancer-taught-me-to-live

 

 

 

A Safe Place for Healing

    As I have shared often, writing is healing for me.  Sometimes I write at night while I struggle with the insomnia brought on by depression.  At these times I usually write in my journal, filling the pages with thoughts and poems.  During the day I find that I need to write especially now that I am unable to work due my cancer diagnosis.  I can’t just sit at home and stare at the television or nap.  I know that it is good for my depression for me to get out of the house.  That leads me to the point of today’s post, having a comfort zone, a place that feels safe.  For me that place is the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, more specifically, store number 138 on Mednick in East LA.  I love to sit here and write.  Writing is healing for me and sitting at this Coffee Bean adds to that healing.

I have been writing at this Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf for several years.  I used to show up at 5:30 am and write before I would go to work.  I would sit there and write poems.  I was always very productive on these mornings.  When I walked in the baristas would greet me.  Often, they would start my drink before I even ordered.  I’d chat with them a bit.  It was a comforting start to my day.  It was also my escape from the depression driven insomnia that plagued me.  I would have been there earlier if they had been open.

I think having a place to spend time writing has been healing for me.  Feeling comfortable here allows me to let the darkness in my mind escape through writing.  I can just write without being reminded of the loneliness I feel in my house.  I feel connected to people even though I sit by myself.  The important thing is the environment.  The smell of coffee wafts through the air.  I hear people talking, laughing.  I can pretend I am not alone.  This allows me to get lost in my writing and it somehow lifts my depression.

                  Most of all five of my books were written in this Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf. Now, I write my blog posts and work on my next book here with a caramel cold brew next to me. I feel comfortable here.  My writing flows.  The words have a freedom to fill the page of my journal or the document on my computer screen.

Struggling with depression makes being in public places difficult, but this place is a haven for me.  The baristas are always kind.  I chat with most of them. After I was diagnosed with cancer, I couldn’t come in to write and drink my coffee.  I was gone for a few months as I underwent chemotherapy.  I missed my writing spot.  I missed the baristas.  I lost the comfort of my favorite writing place, the spot that lets me block out the depression.  

                  Most of the time I was receiving chemotherapy I stayed at my aunt’s house in Santa Monica.  It was not possible to hang out at my Coffee Bean because of the distance and the fact that I had to protect myself from illness. On one of the rare days I was at home, my friend came to this Coffee Bean and ordered my drink.  She told the barista it was for me and that I was fighting cancer.  The barista knew she was talking about me and bought the drink for me.  That drink tasted so good.  It also made me feel good that I hadn’t been forgotten.  

It is strange to have a connection to coffee place, but because my depression keeps me from socializing a lot, this place is my social connection.  I believe we all need a place where we feel safe.  A place where our illnesses do not matter.  When I was able to return to sitting here daily, the baristas remembered me and my drink order.  I felt welcomed back.  I have resumed my daily writing practice.  My next book is well underway, a product of sitting here with my cold brew.  My blog posts get written while I am sitting here.  I am productive despite my illnesses as I sit at this Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.

I would mention some of the baristas by name, but there are so many who have impacted me with their kindness over the years, I don’t want to miss anyone.  I have spent so much time here.  Sitting here is one of my strategies for coping with depression. I truly believe it helps me cope with my depression. Having a place that feels comfortable, a place where I feel connected allows me to stand up to my depression.  My depression can rest on the sidelines while I sit here sipping cold brew and writing.  

It seems strange that I am writing about a place in my depression blog. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has provided me with a space to cope with my depression and to continue healing from my cancer.  I believe sitting here writing is a part of my healing. I know that the time will come when the cancer gets worse, and I will not be able to sit here and write.  I will have to return to chemotherapy and keep myself out of public places.  Until then, I will sit here in my comfort zone and write.  I plan to finish my next book while I sit here.  I hope that the blog posts I write here attract more readers and help people.  Everyone needs a place where they feel comfortable and find healing. The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is that place for me.  Thank you to everyone at store 138!

My intention in writing this wasn’t just to give a shout out to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf.  I want to encourage people who are living with mental illness to find their safe space, a place where they feel comfortable. That place is going to be different for everyone.  You might even have more than one place.  For example, sometimes I need to walk on the beach. It is important to identify places where you feel comfortable because being trapped at home can make your mood worse.  I’ve shared my place. I encourage you to find your place.  

 

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Holding onto Hope

                  Living with illness can leave a person struggling to find hope.  I have experienced hopelessness throughout my life as I have fought depression and anxiety.  My battle with cancer has added to that struggle.  It is often difficult to have hope in the face of illness.

By its nature depression steals hope from people.  The voice of depression drills negative thoughts into our heads.  We become hopeless because the darkness is so consuming.  It is difficult to believe that life can get better.  The messages that surround us can range from, “I can’t do this” to “I would be better off dead.”  Depression is cruel.  It steals our hope for a better life, a healthy life.  It is important to remember that depression cannot be fought alone.

In my case, cancer has jumped into the picture.  It threatens to take my life.  Confusion sets in.  When my test results were bad, it was hard to have hope that I would be able to beat cancer.  I needed help beyond just the medical treatment I was receiving. 

Overcoming illness, whether mental or physical, or in my case, both, requires hope.  However, that hope can be difficult to summon on our own.  An important lesson I have learned is that it is okay to lean on the hope of others when I cannot find hope on my own.  My mental health team was the first to teach me that.  Dr. Klein has been by my side for a very long time.  He has never given up on me.  He has shown me that hope exists even when I don’t see it.  Just by being by my side and encouraging me, he shows me that he has hope for me and that I can hang on to his hope.  This knowledge has allowed me to pick myself back up after some really trying times. 

Dr. S shares her hope for me through her optimism.  She is always there for me and creates a view of life for me that lets me know I can get through tough times.  It was Dr. S who guided me towards TMS as a means of overcoming the depression when medication was not working.  I had reached a point where I didn’t believe I could overcome the depression, but Dr. S said TMS could help me.  With her and Dr. Klein encouraging me, I was able to take the risk and give TMS a chance.  I was holding onto their hope for me when I didn’t have hope for myself.  (If you are interested in TMS, see my posts dated, October 30 and November 13, 2023)

In the past few years, I have hit some dark times.  There was a point where the TMS didn’t seem to be working.  I was in a really dark place.  I was having self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  My team was there for me.  Stephanie realized I was at a point where I needed more than the TMS could offer.  I vividly remember her telling me there was still hope.  She reached out and let me hold onto her hope for me.  That is when I started ketamine treatment.  Through the whole process, Stephanie, Dr. Sullivan, and Dr. Klein were allowing me to hold onto their hope for me.  This gave the treatment space to get to work on me.  At times, I didn’t have hope of my own.  My world was too dark.  By holding onto their hope for me, I was able to keep fighting and eventually come out of the darkness.

Little did I know that shortly after I started healing, another illness would knock me back down.  I was diagnosed with cancer last July.  Right from the beginning I knew I couldn’t fight alone.  My primary care provider, Cristina, gave me hope starting at the moment she told me I had cancer.  Having learned to hold onto hope from my mental health team, I knew I had to trust Cristina's and her nurse, Henry’s, hope for me.  That hope led me to keep fighting to find the right oncologist to lead my battle.  Dr. St has given me hope.  The first oncologist I saw left me thinking I was going to die.  Dr. St stepped in and allowed me to lean on her hope in my cancer fight.  Cindi, the oncology nurse navigator, who encourages me to dance through my cancer treatment gives me the hope that I will beat cancer.  Dr. St and Cindi allow me to hang onto their hope.  I wouldn’t be able to do that if my mental health team hadn’t taught me how to hang on to the hope of others.  Without holding onto the hope of others, my cancer battle would be very different.

So, how do you hold onto the hope of others.  That is difficult to explain.  I don’t think there is any specific formula that I have followed.  The ability to hold onto the hope of others stems from trust.  You need to trust the person whose hope you are going to hang onto.  That person does not have to be a health care provider.  It may be family member or friend.  It may be a mentor.  The key is to be honest with that person about what you are going through.  Even when you don’t want to believe their positive words, you need to allow those words to enter your consciousness.  The words of hope may not make sense at first, but if you keep listening, they will grow stronger.  The trust it takes to do this is hard to develop.  Know that the person you are trusting has your best interest in mind.  Believe that they care about you and want you to get better.  I’ll admit this is easier to do with a physical illness.  The deep darkness of depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to emerge from.  I know this from a lifetime of experience.  But there is a light deep within me that is kept lit by my mental health team.  In my darkest moments I must remind myself that the light is within me.  Their hope keeps it lit.  If I can just hold onto the light of their hope, I will get through the darkness.  With Dr. Klein, Dr. S, and Stephanie holding hope for me and guiding me, I believe I can get fight depression and anxiety.  

The same is true of physical illness.  You must trust your medical team in order to hang onto their hope. I trust Cristina, Henry, Dr. St and Cindi.  I know they are keeping a light of healing burning inside of me.  I am not naïve enough to believe that they are stronger than cancer, but I do believe they are able to keep me healthy enough to fight this battle.  I know Dr. St will do everything in her power to beat the cancer.  I know Cristina will take care of all my other physical health issues.

Not everyone has the same support I have.  That is an issue that we as a society need to address.  We need to ensure that everyone, regardless of socio-economic status or race has access to high-quality mental and physical healthcare.  This is one of the reasons that I support NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). As an organization, NAMI works tirelessly to help everyone get help with mental health issues.  There are many physical health organizations that people can support as well.  Since I have breast cancer, I am choosing to support a cancer organization. There are many organizations we can choose to support.  That support doesn’t always need to be monetary.  You can support an organization just by being involved.   

I will continue to lean on my mental and physical health teams to help me have hope for healing.  I am grateful I have them.  I wish that for everyone.  If you do not have someone you can lean on for hope, know that I have hope for you.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Find the right doctor, therapist, or nurse.  Join a support group.  I have been a part of support groups for both my mental and physical health.  These groups are helpful. When we have support systems in place, we can have more hope.  That hope is necessary for healing.  Don’t give up on finding hope.  You can heal.  We all can.

Still I Rise

            The great African-American writer/poet, Maya Angelou wrote a poem titled, “Still I Rise”.  I find inspiration in this poem.  Angelou shared how her confidence allowed her to overcome anything that was thrown at her.  She was a strong woman, but she was forced to overcome so much. Angelou proudly stood in the face of her trials, rising time and time again.  

            While struggling with illnesses is a different trial than Angelou faced, I feel like I find strength in her words. Depression and cancer are my trials.  I face them each day.  I must rise above them despite the difficulty.

            Angelou writes, 

 

“…Leaving behind nights of terror and fear

I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear

I rise…”

 

            These words strike me.  When depression and cancer fill me with fear that I will not win the battle, I must rise.  I must fight.  It is through fighting that I can live.  It is not easy to rise when fighting illness, but I must have faith in my own strength. There is a video of Maya Angelou reciting her poem.  The certainty in her voice and the smile on her face serve as encouragement for me.  

            There is hope in Angelou’s poem.  I think as a person with depression and cancer, I can use this poem as motivation.  Maybe I should have it printed and framed as a reminder that I can do hard things.  I can fight my illnesses.  I can rise each day and live.  

            Depression and cancer have power, but I have strength within me.  I have been fighting depression since my early teens.  My battle with cancer has been seven months so far, but it has been intense.  I lean into Angelou’s words, “still I rise.”  Each day that I am here battling, I am winning.  I am living.  I am rising.

            Angelou is an inspiration.  I encourage you to read her poem and find strength in it.  The written word has power.  She captured a piece of human power in this poem.  By sharing her strength, she helps others to find their strength.  Whether you face illness or some other trial, “Still I Rise” provides hope.

If you would like to read the poem, here is a link: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46446/still-i-rise

 

            You can watch Maya Angelou recite her poem here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qviM_GnJbOM

Credit: "Still I Rise" by Maya Angelou

 

 

 

 

            

 

 

 

 

 

 

Focusing on the Big Picture

           As I travel the cancer and mental illness journey, I have discovered that often the big picture gets lost.  When different aspects of my illnesses demand my attention, I forget that I am still alive and functioning.  I don’t do this on purpose.  It just happens.

            My depression and anxiety have taken a downturn in recent weeks.  I am struggling.  I recognize that it is my mental illness.  The low mood and constant feelings of panic are not who I am.  They are manifestations of my mental illness.  I find myself withdrawing into myself.  I fight to get myself out of my house, even though I know I do better when I get myself to the Coffee Bean to write.  I try to talk back to the thoughts that tell me I can’t continue.  My response is weak, and I wonder if my mind even notices my words. 

            The anxiety that consumes me is obsessed with test results and every pain I feel.  It tells me the cancer is getting worse.  The anxiety tells me I am not going to survive.  I try not to listen, but its voice is so loud.  Anxiety tells me that when I don’t hear from my oncologist or my primary it is because the news is bad.  A nurse tells me that the results are okay, and I immediately wonder what that means and question it.  Anxiety sucks.  

            In my head the pain over my liver means the cancer has returned.  The rash on my abdomen must mean something is wrong.  The pain and discoloration on my nails must mean something is wrong.  My oncologist said two of these are nothing to worry about.  I haven’t asked her about the rash.  Despite her words, fear persists in my head.  I can’t make it stop.  

This is the battle that comes with having cancer and mental illness.  Each of these illnesses is difficult on their own.  Together the intensity of that difficulty is almost unbearable.   I struggle to remember that my last scans were good.  I question the bloodwork because I see one of the numbers increasing.  My primary’s nurse tells me one of the tests indicates perimenopause.  I don’t know what that means or what is next, but I hesitate to ask.  It leaves me with so many questions.  

I know I need to focus on the fact that my oncologist says I am doing well.  My mental health team says the TMS will start to work, and my depression will soon lift.  On one level I believe them.  On another level, I am scared as hell.  

In the big picture, I am alive.  Yes, I have many health concerns.  I need to receive treatments frequently.  I must take care of my health, take medications, and receive therapy.  But again, in the big picture, I am alive.  

None of this is easy.  Often, I want to ask questions of my health care team but can’t figure out how to formulate the questions.  Other times, I know what I want to ask, but I feel stupid asking.  I worry that I am wasting their time.  When I reach out to their nurses with questions or concerns, I worry that they are tired of hearing from me.  I know much of this stems from my mental illness.  It controls my thoughts.  Knowing this doesn’t make it any easier.  Every day is a battle.  

Talking to my mental health team helps.  Attending the cancer support group lets me know I am not alone. Friends and family help, but I don’t want to burden them. These are my illnesses to bear.  It’s the in between times that are so difficult to face alone.  I can see the big picture, but so much gets in the way.  I know I need to keep taking steps forward. Sometimes I don’t know how.  The big picture becomes blurry, and I need help refocusing. Living with illness colors my life.  I need reminders that in the big picture I am still here. I am not lying in a hospital bed or worse, in a coffin.  I have the ability to fight.  I have the support I need to battle my illnesses.  I need to remember that.  The big picture needs to be my focus.  

A Look at Myself

            I don’t know what I want to write about today.  One thing that has been on my mind is an incident that happened the other day.  As most of you know, I am bald because of chemotherapy.  I wear a hat when I am out in public.  As I was standing in line at a restaurant a young man reached in front of me and said, “Excuse me, sir.”  He called me sir.  I know I am bald, but I don’t think I look like a man.  I realize I don’t have the figure I once had due to a breast reduction, but I thought I still looked like a woman.  I wanted to respond.  I wanted to say, “I’m not a dude.  I have cancer.” Instead, I stood there quietly and looked away.  The word “sir” hurt.  I know I shouldn’t let it.  The young man didn’t mean anything by it. At least he was polite.  A lot of people don’t say “excuse me” anymore.  

            Cancer has changed my perspective on life.  It has made me value the time I do have.  Cancer has made me want to fight to live.  Through my diagnosis and treatment, I have found a fight in me that I didn’t know existed.  Cancer has changed me physically.  I am weak.  I can’t walk very far without getting fatigued.  It has left me with discolored skin.  I am now bald.  It’s this last piece that has me looking like a man.  Until this incident I thought I was okay with my hair loss.  Now, I wonder if I should get a wig.  When I lost my hair, I made the decision not to get a wig.  I told myself that even without hair I am still me.  I am the same person I was with hair.  Well, I am still a woman.  

            This young man had no idea how much his words impacted me.  My cousin, Sara, and my friend, Maria, encouraged me when I told them what had happened.  They helped me focus on the fact that it was just an unobservant person trying to be polite.  They told me I look fine.  I am trying to believe them.  

            As I write this, my nose has begun to bleed.  Another reminder of the cancer.  Will it ever stop?  Will the reminders always be there?  

I cleaned up the blood and returned to my computer screen.  Still, it is annoying.  Cancer has changed me in more ways than I want to admit.  Yes, it has changed my perspective on life.  I value my life more.  Unfortunately, I also have more fears.  Every pain I feel makes me question if it is cancer.  My mind is consumed by the thought that someday the cancer will take my life.  I am waiting on blood work results.  My mind is telling me that the results haven’t come back yet because it is bad news.  I know that is ridiculous.  It probably just takes time to get the results.  Yet, my mind seizes every opportunity to think the worst.  Some of it is my anxiety disorder.  I am aware of that.  Cancer just added another layer to my anxiety.

            I know I should call about the results, but my mind is debating that.  If I don’t call, I won’t receive bad news.  On the other hand, if do call I might find relief.  What do I do?  I sit here unsure of my next step.  I write about it.  Get it all out on the page.  As I mentioned in my last post, writing is healing for me.  I am not sure if what I am writing now is healing or if it is just distracting me.  

            Cancer has changed me in good ways and bad ways.  I need to work on coping with all the changes.  That is why I attend a support group.  It is why I have a mental health team.  It is why I lean on family and friends.  I can’t do this alone.  Fighting illness requires a team approach.

 

The Healing Power of Writing

            Recently, I was scrolling social media. A quote on Sandra Marinella’s (author of The Story You Need to Tell) struck me.  I paused and took the quote in, reflected on it.  “Writing was there to listen when no one would seem to understand what you were going through.” The quote is from Frederick Espiritu.  I instantly related to the quote.  Writing has been there for me for as long as I can remember.  It has been a healing salve for me since I was in my early teens. 

            What is it about writing that is so healing?  I am not sure I can give an explanation that does justice to the healing power of writing in my life.  I started writing poetry when depression emerged in my life.  I wrote constantly, filling red spiral notebooks with the darkness that resided in my mind.  The poems expressed the depression that was unnamed at the time.  I wouldn’t understand until decades later, but my writing was serving as a sort of therapy for me.  It was allowing me to express the darkness depression caused me to feel.  In those early years I was not diagnosed and the effects of my mood on my life were ignored by people, such as teachers and school counselors who should have addressed it.  Lacking intervention, I turned to my writing.  My notebooks listened.  They took in every word.  

            I continued writing into adulthood.  I have never stopped writing.  It has been the most constant coping strategy in my life.  About ten years ago, after years and years of writing, I shared some of my poems with my psychologist, Dr. Klein.  He understood.  He recognized that the writing was serving as a quasi-therapy for me.  Writing allowed me to express so much of what was stuck in my head because of my depression.  Dr. Klein read my poems.  We talked about them.  My writing provided more insight into what I was going through than I could express in discussion.  We often used my poems to start discussions.  It made talking easier for me.  Dr. Klein encouraged me to keep writing.  That advice has carried me over the years.  

            My journals are always by my side.  They give me a sense of security and a place to express the torment of the depression and anxiety that so often rule my life.  I don’t know the science behind how writing works, although I am interested in learning about it.  I just know writing works for me.  I believe it can work for others.  I have given a few talks on the healing power of writing.  They have been successful.  When a person is given a conduit to healing there is a release.  The conduit for me is writing. I believe in its power, but there are other conduits.  Art, music, and exercise are examples.

            Writing allows me to let the thoughts and emotions that fill my head flow out of me.  These thoughts often become trapped in my head.  They drag me down.  At times when my depression is in control, the thoughts that fill my head need an escape route.  Writing provides that route for me.  In the early years my writing took the form of poetry.  I have evolved.  I still write poems, but I also journal.  I write this blog.  I have dabbled with fiction writing.  Poetry and journaling seem to be the most effective for me. The thoughts that I struggled to process when they are stuck in my head become concrete on the page once written.  I can read those words and better understand them.  I can share my written word with my mental health team.  This allows them to gain a different understanding of what I am going through.  With depression it is often hard to verbalize out loud what I am feeling or thinking.  When I write, those feelings and thoughts flow differently.  They take on life and make more sense. 

            I believe writing has been a gift in my life.  I honestly believe that I would not have made it to this point in my life without writing.  At the times when I can speak to someone on my mental health team, writing is there.  My journal takes in my pain.  It holds it when I am unable to carry the pain.

            When I was diagnosed with cancer last summer, I turned to writing.  It seemed like an obvious thing to do. Writing helped me through depression. I had to trust that it would help me through cancer.  Since my diagnosis, I have written more pages than I can count.  Journal entries, poems, and blog posts have been abundant.  They have carried me in my weakest moments.  I wrote as chemo drugs were dripping into my body.  I wrote as nausea roiled through me.  Fatigued, but unable to sleep, I wrote.  Just as with the depression, writing helped me cope with the cancer.  I have written some of my best poems hooked up to IVs.  Writing gave me the hope I need to fight cancer.  

            Writing is always there for me.  It is my most faithful companion.  It is an elixir that has always brought me healing.  By no means am I suggesting that writing is a cure for depression or cancer.  Medical treatment is necessary.  Writing helps, though.  It makes the road easier to travel.  It takes on the darkness of my mood and the pain and fear of cancer.  Writing gives depression and cancer a holding place.  This allows me to face them head on.  I don’t have experience with other illnesses, but my guess is that writing can ease the suffering of other illnesses.  I have found that writing understands.  It knows my pain and is willing to hold it for me.  Writing listens when no one else understands.  I can’t ask for anymore.  

Welcoming 2024

           I do not believe in making New Year’s Resolutions.  Every time I have tried to make one, I have fallen short.  I think it is better to set an intention for the new year.  My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  I have a lot of healing to do.  2023 took its toll on me.  Depression and anxiety ruled a lot of the year.  Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer took control of the rest.  It has been a journey to say the least.  Battling two illnesses at the same time forced me to fight.  It required me to reflect on a lot.  It has changed me.  

            As 2024 starts I am still battling two illnesses, but overall, I am in a good place.  Chemo worked and I was able to stop chemo.  I am still receiving treatment.  It is targeted treatment.  My understanding is that it is intended to keep the cancer cells from replicating.  This treatment is easier on me than the chemo.  I am grateful for that.  

My mental health has taken a dip recently.  I am hoping to get that healed. I will discuss TMS treatment with my team and hope that I can physically handle going every day.  My mental health team will be there for me and help me through it.  I trust that they will get me back to a better place. 

            As you can see, I am still healing.  That is why my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal.  One thing I learned in 2023 is that I cannot do it on my own.  I must be willing to reach out for help.  I have a great team.  My mental health team, my oncology team, and my primary, who is basically part of both teams, have been there for me.  I trust that they will continue to be there.  I am grateful for all of them.  I know I am lucky to have them.  I am still fighting cancer and depression.  I will likely battle to some degree for the rest of my life.  

            In 2024 I am going to focus on my healing.  I am going to allow that focus to guide me to leading my best life.  For most of my life depression has controlled my thoughts.  It has told me that I didn’t want to live.  It told me that I deserved the unhappiness I felt.  It told me I was lost and alone.  Depression has been a powerful voice throughout my life.  Cancer barreled in and changed some of that.  It tried to take my life, but cancer didn’t win.  It made me reflect on my life.  Through that reflection I have learned that my life is worth living.  

I need to make some changes.  Those changes will hopefully lead to me finding joy in life.  Some of those changes are little, but some of them will be big.  The big changes will require me to trust myself.  I will likely lean on my support system at times in ways I have never done in the past.  There will be ups and downs.  I will continue to fight cancer and depression.  Some days will be harder than others.  That is okay.  I need to allow myself to have difficult times.  It is a part of life.  

By setting the intention to allow myself to heal I am giving myself permission to do the things I need to do to be healthy in all aspects of my life.  I must fight the depression and the cancer.  I also need to focus on finding joy in life.  I have been granted another chance at life.  I want to make the most of that in 2024.  I will do what brings me joy. I will also accept that some days I will not be okay.  That is okay.  It is a part of life.  Acceptance of the rough days is a part of the healing process.  I have really come to understand that this past year.  It has been a difficult lesson.  Healing takes effort.  It also requires a person to accept help.  We need to understand that it is okay to not be okay.  Once we accept that, we can reach out for help.  I have a lot of people helping me.  These people make a difference in my life.  There are people that can make a difference in each of our lives.  I hope that in 2024 more people reach out for help and more people reach out to help. 

Just because I am battling illnesses doesn’t mean I can’t help others.  That is the purpose of this blog.  I am hoping to encourage others by sharing my story.  I know that right now my audience is not as big as I would like it to be, but I need to trust that it will grow in time.  I do my best to publicize this blog and am grateful to those who help me spread the word.  This blog is part of my healing.  When I write I am empowered.  Writing has always given me strength.  So, in 2024 I will continue to write.  Hopefully, this blog will grow.  I want it to help others suffering from depression and cancer.  I don’t have all the answers.  I am learning each day.  I feel called to this work.  I know that for now it will have to happen with my blog.  I am not well enough yet to get out there and do more, but I am headed in that direction.  I hope to make it happen in 2024.  That Is part of my intention.  Helping others is a part of my healing.  

So, as we enter 2024, I am going to remain focused on healing both my mental and physical health. I don’t know what the year has in store for me.  The depression and cancer control a lot, but I will do my best to heal and make a difference for others.