A Couple Poems to Share

                  As I mentioned earlier this month, April is National Poetry Month. I had intended to post more poems this month, but my thoughts which guide my posts, took me in a different direction. So, today I will post a couple poems. 

                  Poetry is healing for me. I have been writing poetry for a long time and it still brings me healing. This morning, I received my esketamine treatment and I wrote a couple Haiku poems afterwards. Sometimes I think in poetry. That may sound weird, but it happens. Poems just start forming in my mind. Most of the time I get them written down before I lose them. Writing poems is a gift that I have been blessed with.

Let’s get to the poems. One is about cancer. I wrote it this week. It is a reflection on my cancer. It might seem strange that I refer to cancer as a gift. It is definitely not a gift in the traditional sense, but I have learned from cancer. In that sense it is a gift. The poem is titled Cancer, A Gift. 

The second poem is about living with mental illness. The title is Time Inside My Mind. It is an invitation to see into my mind and the minds of others who live with mental illness. While we are all different, we share a similar struggle, a similar pain. If others could understand what it is like to live with mental illness, perhaps there would be less stigma. 

I encourage you to really think about the poems. Take a moment to just listen to what the poems are saying. Since it is National Poetry Month, I would like to remind readers that my poetry books are available on Amazon and can be ordered in bookstores. (A Light Amidst the Darkness, Curative Quest, and Conscious Connection)

Saturday is Independent Bookstore Day. Visit an independent bookstore and maybe purchase a poetry book. My poetry books, A Light Amidst the Darkness and Curative Quest can be ordered in bookstores. Here’s a quick plug for my favorite independent bookstore, Vroman's Bookstore. Shopping at independent bookstores really helps. I know my books are available on Amazon, but that is how self-published writers need to get their books out in the world. I still love purchasing books from independent bookstores. There is something about the smell of books and walking through aisles of books. 

Back to the poetry. Here are two poems I wrote this month:

 

 

 

Cancer, A Gift

 

As I face a new day,

I see cancer fading.

The battle has been difficult,

But I have learned so much.

My cancer has taught me to appreciate life,

Taught me the value of life.

Before cancer I was just going through the motions.

Living, but not living.

Cancer tore me down,

Left me lying in bed

Fighting waves of nausea and pain.

Not knowing if I would live or die.

Healers assembled.

Some with medical degrees,

Others with supportive thoughts.

Together they lifted me through the battle

Against the war cancer wages against me

While at the same time teaching me to reach for hope,

A hope held by these healers assembled at my side.

Hope, a gift masked by the illness.

My battle with cancer has not been in vain.

I have lessons to share and

Hope to pass onto others who face this relentless illness.

Cancer may never disappear, but

The gift of hope remains.

 

 

Time Inside My Mind

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would understand, and

Be a little kinder.

You would hear the conversations that trouble me.

My mind tearing me down while I beg it to stop.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe it would explain how I feel and

Help you understand that I really do not want to live this way.

I want to smile and experience joy.

The depression gripping my brain steals that experience from me.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would see I have an illness.

This illness robs my mind of all I could be.

It leaves me in a world of darkness,

A world I struggle to escape.

 

If you could spend time inside my mind

Maybe you would reach out and offer a hand

A little help from you might allow me to overcome this dark illness.

Then I could live a life free from the pain I long to escape and

Just maybe conquer the depression once and for all.

 

The Gift of Poetry

                  April is National Poetry Month. For me poetry is a major part of my life and my journey with mental illness. Depression and anxiety have haunted me since I was a teenager. Fortunately, poetry has been by my side almost as long. I started writing poetry when I was around 15 years old. I didn’t know what I was doing. In the beginning I was probably just writing words on the page. I remember a teacher encouraging me to write. I don’t know if she knew she was encouraging me to release all that was trapped inside of my mind. That’s what my poetry was doing. 

                  In the years since I have written countless poems. Some of them are just for me. Others have found their way into my books and been read at open mic poetry readings. Still, others have allowed me to better communicate with my mental health team. This is one of the great things about poetry; it belongs in many places and serves many purposes. 

                  I have admired the writings of many poets including Sylvia Plath and Emily Dickinson. More recently I have been impressed by the work of young poets such as Amanda Gorman. Poets share a unique magic as they paint pictures with words. Are there any poets that resonate with you? Share in the comments.

                  For me poetry has a healing power. I find strength in releasing my thoughts and feelings in verse. The words flow out of me. They pull the depression and anxiety out of my mind. I feel the poetry and know that it is bringing me a bit of healing.

                  Sometimes I write poems for others. To me that is the most meaningful gift I can give because the poem is a piece of me. The poem is me speaking to you in a way that I may not be able to speak aloud. 

                  Today I would like to share a poem that I wrote the other day. No one has read this poem yet. Enjoy. 

                  I will share a few more poems this month to celebrate National Poetry Month.

 

A Poem Must Speak

 

A poem must speak.

Its words giving meaning to what the poet experiences.

Her emotions spill onto the page.

 

A poem must speak.

The poet forming the words trapped within her.

Sharing a piece of her life.

 

A poem must speak.

Words expressing meaning and

Allowing the reader into the poet’s inner world.

 

A poem must speak.

An interpretation of pain and joy emerge as

Words flow and emotion jumps off the page.

 

A poem must speak.

Creating a deep connection between poet and reader,

A moment of understanding.

 

As the poem speaks,

The poet breathes a sigh of relief.

 

 

 

Depression Always Finds Me

             Today I don’t feel up to writing a full post. I have been experiencing an increase in my depression. It comes stealthily and drags me down. Writing usually helps, but right now I need more journal-type writing, writing just for me. So, please forgive me for the short post. I just don’t have a topic idea at the moment. Maybe I will be able to write something tomorrow. For today I will share a short poem that matches what I am experiencing. It actually may be an unfinished poem. I might try to finish it later. 

 

Depression Always Finds Me

 

My mood drops.

The weight of my thoughts becomes unbearable.

I pull the blanket further over my head,

Trying to hide the depression that encapsulates me.

Hiding is futile.

The depression always finds me.

 

 

An Invisible Illness

            I was thinking about how often people with depression get overlooked.  Their illness is not seen.  It happens to me.  Most people don’t realize I struggle with depression because I usually hold the illness inside of me.  With few outward signs, depression is not always viewed as the real illness that it is.  Sometimes we feel the need to hide our depression because people don’t understand that it is not just sadness. Depression is a real illness. It is painful and requires treatment.  

            Today I would like to share a poem I wrote that explains what it is like to live with an invisible illness.  If you have had similar experiences, I encourage you to comment.  If this poem makes you think of someone, share it with them so they know they are not alone.  The only way we are going to make depression visible is by normalizing it.  That requires discussions about depression.  There are many people living with this invisible illness.  My hope is that we can bring more visibility to depression and in doing so bring more healing. 

 

 

An Invisible Illness

 

I see it in the eyes of others.

They wonder how I can have an illness

When I seem to function so well.

My illness is invisible at times,

But it is always there.

Plaguing my mind;

Hindering my life.

I hold so much of the pain inside;

Pretend the physical symptoms are not real.

Mental illness is often silent on the outside.

Others do not understand what I go through each day.

They assume that I am okay.

Sometimes I even tell them that I am.

It is my attempt to normalize how I really feel,

But it is a lie.

Mental illness hurts.

Invisible at first glance.

Devasting when truly seen.

If others could see the torment

Maybe they would understand and

Life might be a little easier for me.

The pain of an invisible illness is hard to explain.

So, I do my best to hide it.

When really, I should explain it to anyone who will listen.

Let others know what it is like.

Raise awareness

And allow myself a chance to heal.

 

A Little More Gratitude and a Cancer Poem

            Last week I shared all the people I am grateful for in my life.  Today I want to share a few things I am grateful for and then leave you with a poem I wrote this past weekend.

            First, I am grateful for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  There have been two posts on this blog about TMS.  It has made such a difference in my battle with depression.  I don’t know where I would be without TMS.  It is a treatment that works for me, and I know will be a part of my life.

            I am also grateful for chemotherapy.  How can I not be grateful for something that is keeping me alive?  It may seem a little strange to be thankful for something that makes me feel like crap each week, but it is doing its job.  It is killing my cancer.  As sick as I feel I am grateful that the medical knowledge is available to treat my cancer and that I have a chance to survive.

            Another thing I am grateful for is the ability to write and experience the healing power of writing.  For as long as I can remember, writing has been a part of my life.  I would be interested in knowing how many poems I have written in my life.  Writing is a healing tool.  I am grateful that I can express my thoughts and emotions in writing.  I am grateful that I have this blog to share those thoughts and emotions with all of you.  My books are another source of gratitude for me.  Each one has brought me healing and allowed me to share my story with others.  

            So, I have a lot to be grateful for. Expressing my gratitude has helped me remain positive as I battle depression and cancer.  Don’t be surprised if you see gratitude pop up on my blog again in the future.  

            I also wanted to share a poem with you.  This poem is about the cancer, more specifically fighting cancer.  At times I get down because as much as I try to fight, I often just do not have the energy or stamina.  My body is weak from the fight.  When I start to feel down about needing so much rest, my Aunt Holly reminds me that even when I am resting, I am fighting.  As I thought about it made a lot of sense.  My body is in a fight for its life.  It needs time to heal.  That is what happens when I am resting.  So, even when I am resting, I am fighting.  That is where this poem came from.

 

Cancer Chose Me

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer.

Cancer is ravaging my body.

Leaving me to fight.

At times I am weak, but still I fight.

Battling cancer takes all my strength.

 

Cancer chose me.

Its poison attacking my organs.

I fight back with a different poison, 

A poison meant to kill as it heals.  

My body is a battleground between cancer and chemo.

 

Cancer chose me.

Some days I must rest.

I cannot actively fight every day. 

Learning that it is okay to rest has been difficult,

But it is something I must accept.

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer,

But I chose to fight back.

Meet the cancer head on

And fight for my life.

 

 

            Check back on Thursday.  I will be reflecting on how depression affects my fight. Depression can affect battles with any illness.  I will share my perspective. 

Whispers Above the Water

             Today’s post is a poem I wrote this weekend.  Writing in general, and poetry in particular, has always been healing for me.  It has been one of my coping strategies throughout my battle with depression.  Now, I am writing to deal with both the depression and the cancer.  Writing allows me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper.  This makes them concrete, which allows me to process them in a more productive manner.  

            I share this poem today to express what I am going through.  I hope that others find strength in my words.  If you would like to read more of my poetry, I have published four books of poetry and a memoir.  Check them out at your local bookstore or Amazon.  Just search for my name. There are also links on my website www.ginacapobianco.com.  

            One of my friends mentioned that maybe there is a book waiting to be written in the journey I am now on.   Who knows? Maybe I will find my way to write that book.  

 

 

Whispers Above the Water

 

The ebb and flow of emotions.

The ripples become waves at times.

I try to hang on,

Ride each wave out,

But the emotions are powerful.

Their intensity overwhelms me.

I consider letting go,

Allowing the waves to drown me.

Something within me whispers.

I hear a faint voice telling me to grab hold.

The voice whispers that

It is not my time.

I reach through the waves, 

Grab on to hope.

The voice grows stronger.

I hear it emanating from within me.

The voice echoes around me,

“Don’t give up!”

I am buoyed by the words.

Now, my head above the waves,

Battle gear in place,

I am now ready to fight.