The Importance of Giving Yourself Grace

                 As someone with a mental illness I am often inundated with negative thoughts. My depression and anxiety know how to talk to me to bring me down. I know I am not alone in this. It is not just those of us with mental illness who are faced with negative thoughts or mental put-downs. Everyone faces these thoughts at times. I am sure even the most confident people sometimes have negative thoughts. 

                  In a recent post I discussed the inner critic. (Silencing Your Inner Critic) It is important to talk back to the inner critic. However, that is not the only thing we need to work on. We need to give ourselves grace. The dictionary defines grace as a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. When we treat ourselves with grace, we are kind and courteous to ourselves. We are lenient with ourselves. Sounds like it should be easy, right? For many of us, it is not. 

                  How do we develop the ability to show ourselves grace? It requires practice. We are not going to be able to treat ourselves with grace overnight. Many of us have had years of practice with the inner critic in our ear. Our minds have told us all that is wrong with us or all that we cannot do. Many of us have been told these same things by others. As a result, our minds are accustomed to the negative. Hearing a kind word comes as a shock. 

                  One way to start giving ourselves grace is to practice saying affirmations. We need to continuously affirm ourselves. Some affirmations that are helpful in providing grace include:

·      I’m learning to be gentle with myself.

·      It’s okay to be a work in progress.

·      I release the need to be perfect.

·      I give myself permission to feel, heal, and move forward.

·      I am worthy of love and compassion, even when I stumble.

·      I treat myself with the same kindness I offer to others.

·      I honor myself, even if the results aren’t perfect.

·      Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

·      My best today is enough.

 

These affirmations carry a lot of weight and can help us in many ways. They canremind us that growth takes time and kindness. They encourage patience and acceptance of where we are at the present moment. These affirmations allow us to let go of unrealistic standards. When using these affirmations our emotions are validated. They reinforce unconditional self-worth. That is key. So often we lose our sense of self-worth, especially when we are struggling. When we have unconditional self-worth, we can practice self-compassion.

                  Grace is a little word, but it contains so much power. If we can learn to give ourselves grace, we are better able to face life and all that it places in front of us. We need to practice being kinder to ourselves. I have always struggled with giving myself grace. The negative thoughts always seem to be on standby, ready to attack. What if I could answer those thoughts with one of the above affirmations? What if you could? How much better would we feel? 

                  Giving grace to others often comes naturally. Maybe not for everyone, but for most of us giving grace to others is something we are able to do. I have often heard it said that we need to treat others as we would treat ourselves. Unfortunately, that is a misleading statement. So many of us do not treat ourselves well. We would not want to treat someone else with the negativity and harsh comments that we hurl upon ourselves. Maybe that statement could be rewritten to say, “Treat yourself and others with grace.” I thought about adding “that you deserve” to that statement, but I think that would lead many of us into thinking we do not deserve grace. 

                  Take a moment to repeat one of the above affirmations in your head five times. How did that feel? For me it felt a bit strange, but also soothing. It will take practice to get used to treating ourselves with grace, but it is important that we develop this ability. I encourage you to use these affirmations. You can also find others online by doing a search for positive affirmations. Practice saying them. Write them down if that helps you. Put them on sticky notes and place them somewhere you will see them every day. 

                  I leave you with this thought: We are all worthy of grace. We are all worthy of kindness, courtesy, leniency, and compassion. 

Protecting My Mental Health During Thanksgiving

                   Today I am going to attempt to discuss something that I know I need to work on myself.  Thanksgiving can be a difficult holiday when you live with depression. I struggle during the holiday season. My struggles usually start about a week or two before Thanksgiving. It’s gotten easier as I have learned to recognize it for what it is and have worked on giving myself grace at this time of year. 

                  Holidays usually mean family gatherings. My family is no different, although our gathering is much smaller than it used to be as a lot of my family has moved away or has their own family now. For me the family gathering is difficult because I feel out of place. I am middle-aged and still single. My head tells me that makes me less of person. I know that is probably not true, but it is hard to keep my depression from pointing out that I am alone. I don’t get to host a holiday because as the single person I am expected to just go along with everyone else. Fair, but still, I’d like to have input in the holiday celebrations. 

                  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on what we are grateful for in life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I do spend time focusing on those things. Despite being grateful, the holidays point out what my depression has taken from me. I never made an effort to have a relationship because of my depression. I have always feared that no one would want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles as much as I have with depression. It didn’t seem fair to put someone in that position. So, I didn’t date. I didn’t try to have relationships that could have possibly led to marriage and a family. As a result, I find myself over 50 and looking back thinking of what could have been. I see my brother’s family, my cousins and their families. As happy as I am for them, I wish I had what they have. What I see instead of a family of my own, is a future in which I am alone. I guess I can’t blame it on the depression. I made the decision to be alone. There are people with depression who have families. It can be done. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that when I was younger. 

                  This post is supposed to be about protecting my mental health during Thanksgiving and here I am focusing on what I don’t have. That is the opposite of what I had planned to write. That’s okay because the way I protect my mental health stems from living with the negatives. What I need to do to get through Thanksgiving and what I recommend to others who struggle is to reframe things. To do this I need to remind myself that while I don’t have my own family, I do have a niece and nephew who I am lucky enough to watch grow into wonderful young adults. On Thanksgiving I hear about all they are involved in. I hear their excitement. I can spend time with them at the holidays. 

I still have my mother. Many people my age have lost their parents.  While I lost my father 15 years ago, I can still spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I can watch her smile as she enjoys her grandchildren. I have a brother and sister-in-law who I am grateful for. They helped me with several things during my cancer battle. I didn’t lose my home despite being unable to work, because they were there. 

I have extended family who brighten my life and while I won’t spend Thanksgiving Day with them, I am grateful. My aunt has supported me through my 16-month battle with cancer. Where would I be without her? My cousins have helped me in so many ways. One thing I’d like to do this holiday season is go for a walk with my cousin and let her know how grateful I am for her presence in my life. It is the simple things that are meaningful.

These are the things I need to let my mind focus on when the depression gets loud. I need to remind myself that I have family even if I am not a wife or mother. Is my life different than what I may have wanted? Yes. But I am alive. Cancer didn’t take me. I haven’t succumbed to the suicidal thoughts that my depression controls. 

So, this Thanksgiving I am going to put up a barrier. It’s not a barrier to keep people out. It is a barrier to keep the depression quiet. Maybe I can call it a muzzle. When the depression starts telling me what I don’t have, I am going to envision a muzzle around its voice. I am going to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to that damn voice. Instead, I am going to ask my niece and nephew what their dreams are. I am going to tell them to never give up on their dreams. Dreams may change as we move through life, but I want them to know that we can find happiness in life. It is a matter of perspective. I am learning that late in life. I hope I can share this knowledge with them while they are young. This Thanksgiving I am going to protect my mental health by focusing on what I have and sharing what I have learned. This is the grace I am giving myself this Thanksgiving.