Men’s Mental Health Month

                  June 1994 was established as Men’s Mental Health Month in the United States. The purpose was to raise awareness about mental health issues affecting men as well as to encourage open discussions about mental well-being. Organizations involved in Men’s Mental Health Month promote access to resources, support, and open conversations. 

                  Men’s Mental Health Month is especially important due to concerns about high rates of suicide among men, untreated depression and anxiety in men, substance abuse and addiction, and the reluctance of men to seek help due to stigma, cultural norms, and lack of access. Each one of these increasing rates is cause for concern on their own. Combined they show a serious need to address mental health in men.

                  The stigma surrounding mental health in men starts when they are just boys. Too often boys are discouraged from showing their emotions. They often hear that “boys don’t cry.” This statement is so damaging. It discourages boys from showing emotions, especially difficult or painful emotions. 

                  Boys and men frequently hear the phrase “man up”. This is another damaging idea taught to boys. They are taught that men don’t show their emotions. Again, this is damaging and can lead to mental health issues later in life.

Boys who grow up afraid to show their emotions become men who do not know how express their emotions in a healthy way.  Often these boys learn to deny, ignore, or bury their emotions, especially emotions like sadness, fear, or vulnerability. This can lead them to become disconnected from their own feelings. They may also be unable to name or express their emotions. When emotions are repressed in this way, it often results in numbness or outbursts. When sadness, shame, or fear are repressed, they may resurface as aggression, irritability, or violence toward themselves or others. 

When boys are taught to suppress their emotions, they do not develop the skills to understand or regulate those emotions. This can lead to a lack of ability to emphasize deeply with others. 

Boys and men need permission and encouragement to feel all emotions, even emotions that they have traditionally been taught to repress. They need role models who demonstrate that strength includes vulnerability. (See my last post "Being Vulnerable" for a discussion on vulnerability.) Boys and men also need safe environments in which they can express emotions without judgement. Another important thing to provide boys and men with is access to mental health education and support from a young age.

As you can see there is a definite need for Men’s Mental Health Month. Since the needs for mental health education and support are developed early and boys often are faced with stigma in comments such as “Boys don’t cry” or “Man up”, perhaps we should call it Men’s and Boys’ Mental Health Month. Both men and boys need to have access to help.

Let’s take a moment to understand the goals of Men’ Mental Health Month. One is to break the stigma around talking about emotions and mental struggles. A second goal is to encourage men to seek help when they experience mental distress. Promoting preventative care is another goal of Men’s Mental Health Month. A fourth goal, which is similar to the promoting preventative care is educating communities about the signs of mental health issues in boys and men. As someone who has spent close to three decades in education, I believe we need to do more in the school system. I think there should be a mandatory mental health class at both the later elementary and high school levels. In addition to this, mental health lessons should be part of the middle school health curriculum. It is not enough to teach it once. Our young people need to learn about mental health often. Another goal of Men’s Mental Health Month is to support marginalized groups, such as BIPOC men, LGBTQ+ individuals, and veterans. These groups might face additional barriers to mental health care and need the additional support. 

While June is a month dedicated to men’s mental health, we need to be focused on the mental health needs of men all year long. Mental health needs of all people need to be addressed year-round. When we dedicate a month to something like men’s mental health, the purpose is to draw increased attention. The focus of this month should shift into our everyday lives. It should be a part of overall mental health advocacy. 

Everyone should feel safe expressing their emotions. It is okay to cry, no matter who you are. It is okay to seek help. It is okay to be vulnerable. Emotions are a part of who we are. We need to give our emotions an outlet. Don’t stifle your emotions or force someone else to repress theirs. These are important steps to ending the stigma surrounding mental health in men and in everyone. 

 

Holding Space

                   I have often been asked how someone can help me when I am struggling or how a person can help someone living with a mental illness. This is a question I truly appreciate. It demonstrates that the person really cares and wants to help. While there are a lot of things that can be done to help a person with mental illness. Many of these things are specific to the person’s individual needs. I think there is one thing that anyone can do to help. That is to simply hold space for the individual with mental illness. 

                  What does it mean to hold space for someone? Simply put it means to offer compassionate, nonjudgemental support. This allows the person to feel safe, seen, and heard. Holding space means being with the person without trying to diagnose, fix, or control the person. It means just being present. 

                  There are many ways to hold space. One is to practice active listening. If the person wants to share what they are experiencing, give them your full attention. Don’t worry about replying. Listen to understand. Make eye contact and allow your body language to be open. It is important to demonstrate that you are really hearing them. After they have spoken, you might respond by saying something like, “That sounds very painful. I can’t imagine how difficult that must feel.” Active listening is about listening to understand and reflecting back that understanding without trying to solve anything.

                   It is important that you don’t try to fix the person when you are holding space for them. Sometimes we are not looking for solutions. We might need a friend who is just present. Try letting go of the need to fix things. Sitting together in the discomfort can be healing or at least soothing. This may be difficult because as humans we often feel like we need to have a solution for everything, but we don’t. Sometimes it is okay to just sit and feel. 

                  When holding space avoid cliches. Saying something like “things always work out” or “just think positive” often does more harm than good. Thinking positive is not going to make depression go away. Telling me that things will work out will not stop suicidal thoughts if I am having them. Instead, just be present. Listen if the person feels like talking. Maybe take a walk with them and just take in the world around you. In my personal experience knowing a person is there means more than any words that person might say. 

                  It is important to resist making judgements. Don’t tell the person that they are wrong to feel depressed. Don’t tell them that their thoughts are irrational. Avoid judgmental and stigma-filled words. Don’t tell them to think about others. The last thing you want to do is add to the emotions the person is feeling by telling them to think about how their mood or actions are affecting others. This can have the opposite effect of what you intend.

                  Be mindful of your language. Use language that is respectful and person-first.  The person is not a depressed person. They are a person with depression. A person is not schizophrenic. They are a person with schizophrenia. You might also want to learn about the person’s condition. This will help you understand them more and can allow you to be less fearful. Don’t use the knowledge you gain to try to educate them. Instead, just let it be knowledge you hold for your own understanding. 

                  You want to respect the person’s boundaries as you hold space for them. There may be things they do not want to share or talk about. Don’t force them into sharing. As an example, while I am open about my depression and anxiety, there are things that I am only comfortable sharing with my mental health team. If someone were to try to press me into sharing those things, I would likely shut down or retreat into myself. I would definitely be uncomfortable. If a person asks for space, don’t be afraid to give them space. As long as they know you care, they are likely to use that space to care for themselves or to reach out to who they need to reach out to. 

                  One last thing to remember is that your emotions matter, too. Be gentle with yourself. It is not easy to witness another person’s pain. You don’t have to fix the person who is in pain. Don’t place that pressure on yourself. Holding space for another is about being present and listening. It is not about fixing them. Be honest. It is okay to say something like, “I am here for you, but this is difficult for me.” Be aware of how you word it. Say how you feel without placing blame. 

                  I am grateful when someone holds space for me. Sometimes it is nice to just sit with someone and take in the present moment. Words are not always necessary. A person’s presence often lets me know that they care. I think most of us with mental illness know that our friends and loved ones cannot heal us. Most of us do not want to burden our friends and loved ones. We just want to feel cared for and know that it is okay for us to be ourselves, even if that self is hurting. Making an effort to hold space for a person with mental illness is an act of love. Even if we are unable to show it, we appreciate your effort.