A Deeper Look at a Misconception

                  I want to spend a little more time on one of the misconceptions about mental illness that I addressed on Monday. It is often falsely believed that people with mental illness cannot live productive and fulfilling lives. Different mental illnesses impact individuals differently. People respond to treatment differently. As a result, there is no specific way of life for people with mental illness. Life might look very different for someone with major depression than it does for someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Depression might express itself very differently in people. 

                  I have been very open about my diagnosis, major depression and generalized anxiety disorder. These illnesses have been a part of my life since I was in my early teens. They have colored how I see the world and how I function in the world, but most of the time they have not stopped me from functioning. Have they caused difficulties for me? Yes, often, but I still function. When I am at my best, I can live with minimal disruption due to my illness. At my worst times I have had to take time off work for treatment. I worked for 26 years as a special education teacher. It wasn’t always easy. There were days when my depression clouded my abilities. There were times when I had to take a day off. Sadly, because of the misconceptions and stigma surrounding mental illness, I had to lie about why I was taking the day off work. I couldn’t say my depression was overwhelming me. Instead, I would have to feign a cold or flu symptoms. 

                  I remember having a conversation with an administrator who I had mistakenly trusted. I told her about my depression. Her response shocked me. She told me I had to turn off my depression when I was at work. What the heck does that mean? I had no response for her. Depression cannot be turned on and off at will. It is not a water faucet. I learned in that moment to not trust administrators with the truth about my mental illness. 

It is difficult for me to accept how mental illness and physical illness are viewed so differently in the workplace. When I was diagnosed with cancer no one told me to turn off my cancer. Why then is it seen as okay to expect me to just magically stop my depression? When I had to take time off because my depression had reached a point where I was not able to work, I couldn’t tell anyone the reason I was out of work. “I am sick” was my answer when asked why I was out. I learned it is better not to be open about my mental health in some situations.  This shouldn’t happen. We should be able to take time off for our mental health.

                  The misconception that mental illness is something we can just push into the background is hurtful and prevents people from seeking the treatment they need. While not all of us with mental illness are able to work, many of us are able to do so. We may require some accommodations, like the ability to take a couple hours off for a therapy or psychiatric appointment. People with mental illness are productive members of society.

                  Mental illness affects us, but it does not always incapacitate us. We need only look at some of the people who have spoken about mental health in recent years. Some are Olympic champions. Some are successful in business or health care. Others are authors or entertainers. They have a platform that they can use to garner positive attention for mental health. I am grateful for their openness. It helps all of us.

                  There is no one picture of life with mental illness. Some people may not be able to work or live independently. Others need time for treatments. Still, others can work and lead what might be called a “normal” life. Although, I don’t believe there is a normal life. I think the most important thing to remember is that we are all different. Mental illness affects each of us differently. In some moments we may need more help than in other moments. That is okay. What is important is to accept that we have an illness, but that illness does not define us. It is a misconception to believe that people with mental illness live a certain way. We are as unique as anyone else. Our lives are impacted in different ways at different times. Still, we have value. We are more than our mental illness. 

 

                  

Success Despite Depression

                  Yesterday one of my cousins asked me why I don’t share my successes as a person with depression with as much passion as I share my struggles. I paused to think about that statement. My cousin pointed out that despite my depression I have accomplished a lot, and those accomplishments might inspire others. As I pondered her comments, I realized I really have accomplished many things that I should be proud of and that might inspire others. 

                  I have shared how depression has made life difficult for me. I have battled most of my life. By no means has it been easy, but I have endured. It isn’t easy for me to think about my successes. Whether it is a result of the depression or life experiences, I don’t have the greatest self-esteem. I will try to share my successes anyway in the hopes that someone reading this will be inspired to keep fighting their depression or other mental illness.  It is difficult to work and engage in life with depression. Please know that it is not always possible. We can only do what we are able to do on any given day.

                  Perhaps my greatest success is that I am still alive. I have faced a lifetime of suicidal thoughts, but I’m still here. Depression has tried to end my life, but I have persevered and with the help of my mental health team I have talked back to the suicidal thoughts and lived. That is definitely a success.

                  Another accomplishment is teaching special education for 26 years. I managed to have a career despite the pangs of depression that haunt me. It wasn’t always easy, but I pressed on and hopefully had a positive impact on the students I taught. There were days when I didn’t want to be in the classroom. Days when I had to fight the thoughts in my head to get through the workday. During my career I was a mentor teacher. In that role I guided new teachers into the profession. I also earned National Board Certification as an education specialist. Really that is just a token honor, but it is something I had to work to achieve. I would like to believe that the students who entered my classroom and the teachers I mentored gained self-esteem and knowledge from me. 

                  Teaching was not always easy for me. Depression made many days difficult. It wasn’t until the last couple of years that I realized I could take time for my mental health. I put my teaching before my mental health needs for most of my career, which is something I regret. I am no longer teaching due to cancer, but I feel like I gave my teaching career my best despite living with depression.

                  Another accomplishment was coaching high school basketball and volleyball. When I was in college I wanted to coach basketball, but as my teaching career progressed, I gave up on that dream. About ten years ago I had the opportunity to coach basketball, and I took it. My win/loss record wasn’t great. It was mediocre, but I think I had an impact on the young women I coached. I tried to focus on self-esteem as much as the X’s and O’s of basketball. When a need arose, I stepped in and coached the boys’ team. According to a sportswriter at the LA Times, I was the first woman to coach a varsity boys basketball team in Southern California, a fairly decent accomplishment.  Despite not having a background in volleyball, I coached volleyball for one season when we didn’t have a coach. Coaching was fun for me, but it also was difficult. I had to maintain a positive demeanor at times when my depression was yelling in my head. I am grateful for the experience and the opportunity to work with young people in a sports environment.

                  Another accomplishment is writing five books. My books all deal with living with depression. They are my story. Writing has been important to me since I was in my teens. To publish books was a dream that I dared not think about for most of my life. I didn’t publish these books until I was in my 40s. The books represent my desire to find something positive in my mental illness. Depression does not have to be a negative. With my books I shared how depression affects me and in doing that I connected with others who live mental illness.  The books led to speaking opportunities and advocacy work. These have become my passion. Despite living with depression, I find hope in sharing my story. I find hope in connecting with others who share in the mental illness experience. I think together we make the world a slightly better place for people with mental illness. 

                  I started this blog to hopefully reach a larger audience. While I haven’t reached the numbers I had hoped to reach, I guess my blog is a success. If nothing else, it gives me the opportunity to write. I hope to find more success with this blog. If you’re reading this, maybe you could share my blog with someone else. That would help me build my reading audience. 

                  I share my successes not to brag, but rather to show that it is possible to live with mental illness. That doesn’t mean we can do it all the time. There will be times when we need to step back and tend to our mental health. Doing so is important. Caring for our mental health needs is what allows us to function. We need to manage our mental health. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. People with mental illness can live fulfilling lives if we care for our mental health. 

                  Writing this post has shown me that my cousin made a good point. I have done a lot I can be proud of despite living with depression. Those accomplishments would mean more if I can use them to show others living with mental illness that they can be successful as well. We have illnesses, but we are not our illnesses. I encourage others to take a look at their accomplishments. No accomplishment is too small to recognize. Sometimes just getting out of bed is an accomplishment when you live with mental illness. I hope I can be an example for others living with mental illness. We can be successful in life. We are not limited by our illness. Depression and other mental illnesses do not define us.

                  I encourage you to share one of your successes in the comments to let others see that we all have achievements we can be proud of. 

                  

You Are Not Your Mental Illness

Mental health problems don’t define who you are – they are something you experience. You walk in the rain, but you are not the rain.

                                                        -Matt Haig

 

                  I saw this quote on a NAMI California social media post.  It really speaks to me as someone has lived most of my life with mental illness.  Depression and anxiety are a part of me, but they do not define me.  It took a long time for me to understand this.  When mental illness plays a dominate role in your life it is often difficult to separate who you are from the illness that you are diagnosed with.  I am no more depression and anxiety than I am the cancer that I am also diagnosed with. These are illnesses.  They impact how I live my life, but they do not determine who I am. 

                  Depression and anxiety make feeling good about myself difficult.  At times these illnesses affect the choices I make, but I am still making the choices.  I experience difficulties with my mood.  A cloud of darkness often hangs over me because of the depression.  My mood is often low, and I struggle to be a part of things. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to engage with others.  Just like heart disease might prevent people from exerting themselves, depression at times prevents me from engaging with others.  It is a part of the illness.  I want to be a part of the life that goes on around me.  Depression, the illness, prevents me from doing so.  

                  In the same way that I am not cancer, I am not depression.  It is an illness I experience; an illness that impacts me. There are days when the depression is not as apparent.  There are days when I can act as if the depression is not lurking inside of me. Depression like the cancer cells is inside of me, but it doesn’t always make itself apparent to the outside world.  I have some control over what the people around me see.  By no means do I have total control. On the days when the depression is expressing itself more, I tend to hide myself within my home.  Still, I am not the depression.  It is impacting how I live, but not who I am.

                  Don’t get me wrong, depression and other mental illnesses impact us in ways we cannot always control.  Mental illnesses can drive us to isolate, to act out in pain, to be overcome with anxiety.  These illnesses ring loud in our brains.  At times they are debilitating. I think that is true of any illness.  Having cancer has taught me that there is a similarity present in illnesses.  I can have good moments and I can have bad moments with both illnesses.  At no time am I my illnesses.  

                  Haig refers to walking in the rain, but not being the rain.  I get it.  I walk with depression, but I am not depression. This is where person first language is important. I am a person with depression.  I am a person with anxiety. I walk with depression alongside of me. It affects me, causes me to struggle, but I am not depression. Possession does not equate to being. I have depression.  I am not depression. When we focus on ourselves as individuals, we push the illness to the background and move ourselves to the foreground.  We are not our mental illnesses just as we are not our physical illnesses.  

                  Another aspect of this quote that struck me is Haig’s choice of walking in the rain as an image.  We usually think of rain as being dark and gloomy. Certainly, mental illness can be dark and gloomy.  I have lived with this darkness.  I understand the comparison between rain and mental illness. At the same time there is beauty in rain.  Without rain, trees and flowers wouldn’t grow.  We would be thrust into drought.  I believe that despite the darkness, there is beauty in depression.  It has brought people into my life that have enhanced who I am. Writing about depression has given me purpose.  This blog was born of the darkness of depression, but it offers hope. There are people with depression and other mental illnesses who are achieving amazing things. Depression is a dark cloud, but even rain clouds clear at times.  

                  We are not our illnesses.  We are people living with illness. That requires strength.  We walk in the rain of mental illness, but rainbows emerge after the rain.  I hope to focus on the rainbow that is hiding behind my depression.