Cancer is changing the way I look at things. It has taken a lot from me already. At the same time, it has given me a few things, like a new perspective on life. This new perspective is affecting how I look at some of the losses. My hair is one example. Before my cancer diagnosis I had long, curly hair that often drove me nuts because I’ve never had the patience to style it. Now, I’ve lost that hair. My initial reaction was shock and sadness. I wasn’t expecting to lose my hair so quickly. I’m balding in spots and have short wisps in other spots. A glance in the mirror screams, “I have cancer!”
Last Thursday some of the wisps became matted. I told my Aunt Holly that I couldn’t stand seeing it or feeling it. So, she gently cut it off for me. We were about to throw it away when Aunt Holly asked if I wanted to have a funeral for my hair. My initial reaction was no. I didn’t want to deal with anything. A moment later the hair funeral struck me as a good idea. Why not? What have I got to lose? The hair is not coming back. Why not say goodbye to it?
Aunt Holly found a fancy box. She put the wad of my hair in it and adorned it with a pretty bow. We went out in her yard and found a rock to use as a headstone. For an epitaph I wrote, “Here lies Gina’s hair. F*** cancer! 9/7/23.”
We found a spot in her garden. Aunt Holly dug a hole. She placed the box with my hair in the hole along with some flowers. She covered the hole, and we placed the headstone over it. Now, a funeral needs music. So, I played “Come Sail Away” by Styx. We stood silently and listened and listened as the song “carried away” my hair.
My hair funeral was cathartic. I felt a release of the sense of loss that had been building up inside of me. There was a sense of peace. I knew my hair was just an object, a piece of me, but not the whole of me. Its loss is just part of the healing process. The chemo caused my hair to fall out, but it is that same poison that is killing the cancer. I must take the bad with the good. Maybe my hair will grow back. Maybe it won’t and I’ll just have to go with a new style. I’m trying to be optimistic about it. I can’t change it. I can fight the cancer. Losing my hair is part of the fight.
I am grateful to my Aunt Holly. She helped me gain a different perspective on my loss. I need to try to face things with a sense of humor and a sense of acceptance. Having a funeral for my hair provided both. Having my aunt by my side while at the funeral helped. I know I am not fighting alone. In fact, relationships have emerged as an important part of my battle against cancer. Relationships with family, friends, doctors, and medical staff are all important aspects of my battle to heal. My next post will address the importance of relationships. Check back in a few days. I will post after my next round of chemo in a couple days as long as I am feeling up to it. As I mentioned before, I am not giving up on this blog.
