World Suicide Prevention Day 2025

        September 10^th is World Suicide Prevention Day. The theme for this year is “Changing the narrative on suicide”. This theme is intended to address harmful myths and stigma. It calls for more open and compassionate conversations about suicide. Suicide is something people are often uncomfortable talking about. That is precisely why we need to talk about it. The World Health Organization (WHO) states that “Changing the narrative on suicide” is “…about shifting from silence and misunderstanding to openness, empathy, and support — creating environments where people feel able to speak up and seek help.”

 According to WHO, suicide claims the lives of 720,000 people every year. The CDC reported that in 2023 there were 49,316 suicide deaths in the United States. These losses affect family and friends. Suicides also affect communities. The loss of any life to suicide is tragic and painful. That pain doesn’t go away. It may dissipate, but it is always present in some way. 

It is important that we discuss suicide and suicide prevention today and every day. We cannot ignore the fact that people are suffering and choosing suicide. We need to call for suicide prevention and mental health to be a priority in our communities, our country, and our world.

When I think about changing the narrative on suicide, I picture having discussions and sharing written works. I see social media posts and blog posts. I see people having conversations even when they are uncomfortable or painful. This is what needs to happen. We need to allow ourselves to be uncomfortable. People who are having suicidal thoughts are in pain. They are suffering. I think we can withstand some discomfort to work to prevent suicides and ease their pain.

Often, when someone dies by suicide, we hear people say that they didn’t know the person was thinking about suicide. They say there was no warning. But there are warning signs. This is why we need to talk more about mental health. We need to discuss mental health in our homes, in our schools, and in our workplaces. As a teacher I believe that mental health needs to be a part of school curriculums from a very young age. If we start talking about mental health with people when they are young, we normalize it. Hopefully, normalizing mental health will make it easier for people who are struggling with their mental health and those who are having suicidal thoughts to reach out for help. It will also, hopefully, lead to people be more comfortable asking someone if they are okay. Being willing to discuss mental health and suicide can make a difference.

I have lived with suicidal thoughts and been on the edge of taking my life throughout my life. For many years I did not know I could discuss how I was feeling or the suicidal thoughts I was having. It wasn’t until I learned to talk more openly that I found myself on the path to healing. This is how the narrative on suicide was changed for me. I hope that others can experience this change, which is why I use my voice now. If this blog encourages one person to reach out for help, it will have made a difference. That’s how we change the narrative, one life at a time. 

There is more help for people living with mental health disorders and suicidal thoughts now, but it is not enough. We need to work to create more avenues to provide support. We need to call on our governmental leaders to take action and fund mental health initiatives. Changing the narrative also means working to silence negative voices such as RFK, Jr. who is spreading damaging ideas. My personal action to change the narrative includes continuing to be voice for mental health action on this blog and with my involvement with groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). I am going send emails to RFK, Jr. and others in the federal government explaining what mental illness is and is not. What can you do? Just reading this blog is an action step. Having one conversation about mental health is an action step. Think about what else you can do. 

I would like to end this post on a personal note. I share this in part to express gratitude and in part to demonstrate how conversations have changed and made a difference. 

As I have mentioned before back when I first started experiencing suicidal thoughts as a teenager there wasn’t much help. Mostly I dealt with it on my own. I discovered writing and wrote to help myself. But there was a counselor I owe a debt of gratitude to. She walked beside me at times. I realize now that she was strapped by the limited resources of the time. It wasn’t that my struggle with mental health and my suicidal thoughts were ignored as much as the help just didn’t exist back then. Conversations about mental health were not normal during that time. The counselor was there in the ways she could be.  Today the help I received would have looked much different. Still, somehow, I lived through those early years because the counselor did what she could. I would like to express my gratitude to her. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to find her now to say thank you. I guess I can only send my gratitude out into the universe and hope somehow in some way she feels it.

The narrative on mental health and suicide has changed in the nearly 40 years since I was a teenager living on the edge of the darkness. Thankfully, the narrative has made a positive change. But we need more. We have a lot of work to do. The number of deaths by suicide that WHO reports needs to be decreased. We need to make it okay to say, “I am not okay.” We need to make it okay to listen when others are struggling. We need to make it normal to discuss mental health. Together we can change the narrative on suicide.

 

If you are struggling, please reach out. You can call 988 or 911. 

 

Can Gratitude Change Your Life?

                  Gratitude is something that oftentimes gets lost in the world. We need to find a way to make it more present. Gratitude allows us to bring joy into our lives. It allows us to heal from the wounds that impact us. Gratitude lets us see the world and the happenings in our lives from a different perspective.

                  With a little research I found six ways that gratitude impacts mental health. Let’s take a look.

                  First, gratitude can reduce stress and depression. The practice of gratitude has been found to reduce levels of cortisol, a hormone that can increase anxiety and contributes to depression. Gratitude shifts focus away from negative thoughts, reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety. In people who regularly practice gratitude, there are reports of fewer symptoms of rumination.

                  Gratitude improves mood and emotional well-being. It boosts dopamine and serotonin which are neurotransmitters linked to happiness and well-being. Gratitude encourages a more positive outlook and helps people reframe challenging situations.

                  A third benefit of gratitude is enhancing relationships. Expressing gratitude strengthens social bonds and increases relationship satisfaction. Expressing gratitude fosters mutual trust and emotional intimacy. 

                  Gratitude increases resilience. When people are grateful, they tend to cope better with trauma and hardship. This comes from building a habit of focusing on what is going well even when times are difficult, which enhances emotional resilience.

                  A fifth way gratitude impacts mental health is by improving sleep. Research has indicated that the practice of gratitude journaling before bed is associated with better sleep and reduced insomnia. When positive thoughts fill the brain, it pushes out anxieties and helps the brain calm down. 

                  Finally, gratitude promotes self-esteem. One way it does this is by reducing social comparisons. Gratitude encourages people to shift their focus to what they have rather than what others have. The practice of gratitude leads to a stronger sense of self-worth and contentment. 

                  I try to recognize the things I am grateful for in life. When I am expressing gratitude, I feel a shift in my mood. Sometimes it is slight. Other times it is very moving. There are many ways to express gratitude. It can be done with words, both spoken and written. It can be done with gifts of appreciation. Gratitude can also take place in quiet reflection. I find myself reflecting on things I am grateful for in my journal. For me the written word holds my emotions and feelings. Placing my gratitude on the page immortalizes it. The words have become etched on the page. They are there for me to return to when I need a lift or a reminder of what is good in my life.

                  I have a friend, Robert, who messages me his gratitude list every morning. His lists remind me to be grateful. His joy and appreciation for life are apparent in his list. This encourages me to search for joy and recognize what I am grateful for. I know I should make a daily list and send it to him. That is a goal I have set for myself. 

                  Let me share a few things I am grateful for in life. First and foremost, I am grateful to be alive. Cancer and mental illness have threatened to take my life, but they haven’t won. I am grateful to my mental health and physical health teams for keeping me healthy. I am grateful for my family and friends. I am grateful to be able to share with everyone on this blog. It gives my writing a purpose and gives me a place to freely express what I have learned about mental illness. I am grateful that I have been able to return to work and that the position I returned to has been so great. There are many more things I could share, but I think what I have shared illustrates how gratitude can change a life.

                  Bringing this post back to the theme of the month (Suicide Prevention Awareness) I am grateful that I have survived the darkest moments of my life, the moments when suicide seemed like the only answer. I am grateful to the people who have brought me back from that edge. These are the people who have embraced me in hope. I think they know who they are. 

                  Gratitude is a gift we give and a gift we receive when we give it. Let’s all take a moment to recognize what we are grateful for in life. We might just find there is more than we realize. Let’s try to give gratitude a chance to change our lives.

 

 

                  

Suicidal Thoughts Can Affect Anyone

                  Suicide Prevention Month is a time to help people who struggle with suicidal thoughts. An unfortunate reality is that suicidal thoughts can happen to anyone. There is no person that is immune to it. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of an illness. That illness can affect anyone. Suicidal thoughts are painful and often debilitating. No one should have to face suicidal thoughts alone. That is why the awareness raised in months like this and the awareness work of mental health advocates and volunteers in groups such as NAMI is so critical. 

                  People who are experiencing suicidal thoughts need to be listen to. They need support. They need to feel safe reaching out for help. When a person’s thoughts are telling them that their life is not worth living, they need to be heard not judged. These thoughts are real. When a person shares that they are having suicidal thoughts their intention is not to be attention seeking. They are reaching out for help, and they deserve that help.

                  I have lived with suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager. At times these thoughts have been overwhelming and have led me to an edge I could have fallen over. Suicidal thoughts are painful. In my experience, it is difficult to talk back to these thoughts. For a long time, I tried to cope on my own. That was not healthy and led me further into the darkness of depression. These thoughts are real. I am lucky to have a mental health team that I can turn to in these times. It is for this reason that I work to raise awareness about the difficulties associated with mental illness. I want to help others find the help I have found. No one deserves to live with suicidal thoughts alone. 

I have learned that my suicidal thoughts are not my fault. That was a difficult lesson to learn. The thoughts are inside our heads. That makes it easy to believe we are at fault. But there is no blaming. There is no fault. Suicidal thoughts just happen. As I mentioned earlier, suicidal thoughts are a part of mental illness. Even with treatment, we can still be impacted by suicidal thoughts because these thoughts are powerful and are sneaky little b****es. They rush in when we are struggling. At other times they creep into our heads. I believe it is important to share our thoughts at times like these. This does not mean to just tell anyone. We need to share with someone we can trust. A mental health provider or a loved one can be vital listeners. If you do not have someone you can turn to, 988 is an important resource. This helpline can connect you with support and the person on the line can support you until you are connected with the appropriate help provider. Another important resource is 911.  If you are in immediate danger, it is best to call 911. 

Everyone deserves support. When we raise awareness about mental health and mental illness, we are making it possible for people to be heard. We are making it possible for people to receive the support they need in times of crisis. Suicidal thoughts should never be dismissed. They are serious and need to be addressed. 

Remember anyone can be affected by suicidal thoughts and these thoughts are not a sign of weakness. No matter how difficult times are or how loud the thoughts are, life is worth living.

 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.

 

You can call 988 or 911. NAMI has helplines.

Your primary care provider is also an option. 

If you have a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist shareyour thoughts with them.

You can also go to any emergency room.

A Mental Health Myth

                  There are a lot of myths surrounding mental health. These myths are harmful and further the stigma that surrounds mental health. Today I would like to address one myth. My plan is to periodically address other myths in future posts.

                  One harmful myth surrounding mental health is that talking about mental health is a sign of weakness. Just the opposite is true. Talking about mental illness is a sign of strength. It takes courage to discuss mental health. The fact that this myth is believed is proof of the strength it takes to talk about mental health.

                  As I have shared, I have lived with mental illness, depression and anxiety, for most of my life. It took me a long time to learn that it was okay to talk about my mental health. At times I was afraid of how I would be perceived. In all honesty, sometimes I still am. I believed that I would be ridiculed for my depression and anxiety. I didn’t think others would understand. I did not believe I deserved help with my mental health. So, I remained silent. 

                  I suffered silently with my illness for a long time before I had the courage to share my suffering. It took courage to share my story with someone other than my psychologist. Once I took that risk, I realized that I wasn’t alone. There are so many people living with mental illness. Like I did, many of these people believe they need to stay silent. Once I learned that I could share my mental illness with others, I felt a weight lifted off me. Despite the lifting of the weight, it still takes courage to share my story. Even today, after I have been sharing my experience with mental illness for many years, I sometimes hesitate. We never know how the illness we live with will be received. Thanks to groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), there is more awareness surrounding mental health and more acceptance. Still, stigma and ignorance are present in the world. That is the reason it still takes strength to talk about mental illness.

                  One of the purposes of my blog is to provide an open space to discuss mental illness. It is a safe space. It is a place for me to share my experiences and thoughts. I welcome comments because that encourages open discussion. Whenever I post on this blog, I share it on my social media accounts. It takes strength for me to do that because I never know who is lurking on social media. The reason I do this is to reach as many people as I can. Occasionally, I will receive a negative reaction. I will be honest when that happens, it hurts, but I know that I am I getting far more positive than negative reactions. 

Talking about mental illness is how we end the stigma. Sadly, there are people who do not understand that mental illness is an illness. There are people who ridicule us. There are people who think that by talking about it we are seeking attention. Well, I am seeking attention, but not for myself. I am seeking attention to the fact that many people live with mental illness and that all of us deserve support and treatment. I am lucky to have a platform where I can discuss mental illness. It is a testament to the strength I have developed in my battle with mental illness. I have learned that I can use my voice to better myself and to help others. So, if that makes me an attention seeker or if it makes me weak, that is okay. I am doing my part to make life easier for those of us living with mental illness. 

I wish I could do more. One day I will. For now, I will use my strength to discuss mental illness with anyone who will listen. There are people who don’t want to listen. Sadly, it is their loss. 

I’m going to try a little experiment. I want to ask people who are reading this to comment. If you are living with mental illness, comment “I am here”. Maybe you don’t live with mental illness, but you are listening and believe we should discuss mental health, comment, “I am listening”. If appropriate, leave both comments. You can comment anonymously if you are uncomfortable leaving your name. I just want to show that there are people out there who believe it demonstrates strength to discuss mental illness. So, help me out. Leave a comment. Your comments also help spread my blog to others, which further breaks down this myth.

It is a myth that it is a sign of weakness to talk about mental illness. Let’s allow our voices to be heard. 

Every Step Counts

 

“Be proud of every step you take towards stability, no matter how big or small” 

– Jessica Ann Hardy

 

 

                  I selected this quote to reflect on today because while it is something I believe; I struggle with it at times. We are all on a path toward healing of some kind. For some that journey is short. There are others who have a long and at times arduous journey toward healing. I am on the long journey. Many of us who live with mental illness are on a long journey. 

                  Each day I take steps towards healing. The steps may be a result of professional help like a visit with a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. The impetus of the steps may be medication. A non-traditional treatment like TMS or esketamine may drive the steps. The steps are often the result of the sheer will of the person living with mental illness. I have experienced all of these. These steps allow me to move toward healing. 

                  Sometimes my steps are small. I seem to barely make progress at times. A small step forward is still progress. I need to remind myself that it is okay to take small steps. There are many times when I need reminders. My mental health team and members of my support system will remind me to pause and notice my forward movement. They often see the steps as being bigger than I see them. Their perspective helps me understand that I am moving forward. 

                  Maybe I am like the tortoise in the story about the hare and the tortoise. My steps may be slow and small compared to others who seem to be running the race of life in a swift fashion, but I am continuously moving and I can reach my goal. Perhaps many of us with mental illness are like the tortoise.

                  Even when my steps slip and go backwards, I need to remember that small steps forward are important. Living with any struggle can be difficult. Over the last few years, I have had many steps backward and steps forward that were so small they seemed imperceivable. The important thing is I haven’t given up. I am still trying to move forward. Right now, I am not floundering in the depths of depression, which allows me to take some steps that are a little bigger. It feels good to be able to move toward healing.

 I need to remind myself that I can be proud of my progress, proud of every step I take. It is okay to be proud of the little steps. When a baby is first learning to walk, parents and caregivers praise every step. They smile and clap when the baby stands and takes one step. If on the next attempt the baby takes a second step, there are more smiles and claps. We need that type of support and cheering throughout our lives. We should be encouraging each other. We also should encourage ourselves. It is not easy, but we need to give ourselves a gentle smile. We need to whisper, “Way to go!” This support will allow us to take more steps forward. 

Some people seem to zoom through life. Others move forward slowly. I know I move slowly towards healing. It has been a lifetime of steps. Some of those steps moved me forward. Others took me backwards. Those backwards steps are a part of life. We cannot give up when we step backwards. I need to remind myself of that often. What is important is not giving up and attempting to step forward. Even if those forward steps are just inching forward, the steps are moving us. It is better to inch forward than to give up. Life is a series of steps. The way to a healthy life is to keep those steps moving forward even if the steps are only inching us forward. 

                                   This is Torty, my aunt's tortoise.

A Few Things I Wish Other People Knew About Depression

                  Living with depression is difficult. It is more than a daily struggle. It is a lifelong struggle for many of us. For that reason, I think it is important for those around me to have a some understanding of depression. This will allow them to better understand me. What are some of the aspects of depression that I wish others knew?

                  First, I think it is important to know that depression is not just being sad. Depression is an illness. Pervasive feelings of sadness can consume me, but it is more than the sadness. When my depression is in control, I feel a heavy weight bearing down on me. I often say I feel down. That may sound vague, but it makes sense to me. I feel like the weight bearing down on me is too heavy. 

Depression brings with it a blanketing darkness. I feel like I am sinking into a deep darkness. I do not see the colors of the world around me. I cannot experience joy or happiness. The darkness consumes me. At times I see no way out of the darkness. This is one of the most difficult aspects of depression because it brings with it suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are my longing for an escape from the grip of depression. 

A sense of hopelessness accompanies depression. It is difficult to feel hopeful when a heavy weight and a blanketing darkness are my reality. Depression is a loss of hope. It is painful to live without hope. Imagine what it is like to believe that life cannot get better. That is depression.

What I have described here is depression at its worst. I have been there. I know how painful depression can be. I know the heaviness, the darkness, and the hopelessness all too well. I also know that depression exists on a continuum. For me it is not always as intense as I describe. When my treatment is going well, my depression is lessened. There is still an underlying darkness, but I can function. I can interact with others. I can find joy in life. I caution that it is only with treatment and therapy that I can experience this lessening of the symptoms of depression. 

Back to the idea of what I wish people knew. I wish they knew that the severity of my depression varies. Sometimes I need support. I need help climbing out of the darkness. I may even need help believing that I want to climb out of the darkness. There are other times when my depression will not be noticeable. I may seem like I am not impacted by depression. I may seem happy. That means my treatments are working. So, I would want others, especially those who also live with depression, to know that the right treatments can help lift depression. There is no one right treatment. Each of us is different. Depression strikes each of differently and we each respond to different treatments. It is important to know that the right treatment is out there for each of us.

I want people to understand that those of us with depression are valuable members of society. We can contribute to the world around us. We may struggle and our paths may not be easy, but we are valuable members of society. I have heard talk from a member of the government dismissing those of us with depression and other mental illnesses. He seems to think that our medications and other treatments should be taken away. He has stated that we belonged on work farms.  As an American with depression and anxiety, this disgusts me. It also scares me. We all know what this harkens back to. People with mental illness deserve better. In fact, we demand better. I wish more people understood this.

I would venture to say that depression has given me gifts despite how painful it has been. One gift is my ability to write about my struggle and to use that writing to help others. Another gift is the ability to be empathetic. I know what it is like to fight illness. This enables me to understand others who are facing mental illness. From this I hope others will understand that people with depression have a lot to offer others. 

Finally, I want others to understand that those of us with depression are doing the best we can. We are everywhere. You will interact with us. Sometimes you will not know that another person is living with depression. So, be kind to everyone. You never know what someone else is going through.

 

 

 

 

                  

Same Tree, Different Season

 “Same tree, different season. Remember, everything is temporary.” - Unknown

 

                  Our lives are composed of different seasons. As we go through life seasons change. Sometimes we are in a season of struggle. Other times we are in a season where life is bountiful. There are in between seasons, too. I saw a picture of a tree in different seasons. Despite being the same tree, it looked very different in each season. I think we are like that.

                  In winter a tree loses its leaves. Often, it is bare. The tree is just branches without green leaves. As humans our winter is when we are struggling. Our struggle may be apparent. We may appear without the vibrant life of green leaves on a tree. 

                  My winter is when I struggle with depression and anxiety. It is a time when suicidal thoughts take hold. My winter is when life becomes too much. I feel as if I am a shell of what my life is supposed to be. I am like a barren tree. It is a time that hurts. It is my winter.

                  Springtime brings green leaves to a tree. The tree is full of life. We can compare that to when we are doing well. Our spring is when the trials of mental illness are not filling our lives. We are engaged in life. Just as the leaves of a tree bring color into the world around it, we exude a sense of wellbeing.

                  For me spring emerges when my treatments are working. It is when therapy leads me into a positive frame of mind. Life can be seen in the smile on my face. The green leaves are seen in my willingness to engage in life and to live more fully. 

                  There are times in between these two extremes. These are the summer and fall of our lives. We may not be full of life, but we are engaged with life. In these times we are trees with leaves of different colors. Some of our leaves are just sprouting. Some of our leaves have fallen. Our mental health may not be the best, but we are getting by. Maybe we have some help or maybe we are employing the self-care strategies we have learned.  In summer and fall our struggles may be visible, but we are living productively with them. 

                  Seasons change. So too, does our mental health. I believe this is true of all people, not just those of us with a mental illness. All people go through seasons. There are times when we struggle, times when we flourish, and times that are a little of both. Life mirrors nature. As we live, we go through different seasons. The important part is that we remember seasons change. Our lives are not always winter. Likewise, they are not always spring. We need to remind ourselves that in depths of winter we are being prepared for the new life of spring. It may be difficult to remember that there are other seasons when we are struggling through winter. We need to hold on. Seasons pass. Our mental health unfolds like the seasons. We may need treatment and therapy to move us into spring, but we can make it. 

                  I think I will try to paint this idea of our lives mirroring the seasons. If I manage to paint something that captures what I am envisioning, I will share it in a future post. As we move through our lives, I wish all of us more springs than winters.

Do I Deserve Support?

                  A question I have often asked myself is “Do I deserve support with my mental health?” Living with mental illness is not easy and I often cannot do it alone. I need support. Is it fair for me to reach out for support? Am I too needy? The simple answer is that everyone deserves support no matter what struggles they are facing. The question then becomes can I allow myself to feel okay asking for support?

                  Even though I can understand that everyone, including me, deserves support, sometimes I start thinking I should be able to get through things on my own. The reality is at times my depression and anxiety prevent me from getting through things on my own. I need support.

                  No one would deny me support for my cancer diagnosis. The same should hold true for my mental illness. Sadly, many people are forced to face their mental illness alone whether because they believe they are not worthy of support or because they do not have access to support. How do we handle it when we do not believe we deserve support? Sometimes I reach for my journal as if it could provide actual support. I know it provides a release for my thoughts and emotions, but it does not respond. What should I do then? 

                  Fortunately, even though I do not always believe I deserve support, I have learned to reach out. I am lucky to have mental health providers I can reach out to when I am struggling. That privilege is not lost on me. I am grateful for every one of them. I know that they are going to be there when I struggle. Sometimes I feel like a burden. I feel like I should just hold on until my next appointment. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety, as well, as other mental illnesses, do not always cooperate with the wait time. I may need support at inconvenient times. This is hard. I may know I am spiraling, but I do not want to be that burden. 

                  I know that even when I do not feel worthy, I need to reach out for support. Sometimes that support is a phone call. Other times it is an email. There are times when that support comes after I have let loose all that I am struggling with during an appointment. By its very nature, mental illness requires support. Even after a lifetime of living with depression and anxiety, I am still coming to terms with needing support and whether I deserve that support. Part of that is the negativity that depression and anxiety fill my mind with so often. Depression tells me, and many others, that I am not worthy. It berates me and causes me to internalize negative thoughts. 

                  I hope that I do not burden my mental health team. I always think about it before I reach out. I question if I really should be reaching out. Sadly, sometimes the depression wins, and I do not reach out. The message I would like to leave others with is that we need to allow ourselves to believe that we deserve support even if our minds our telling us differently. So, reach out when you need support.  

Signs Depression Is Resurfacing

            I have lived with depression long enough to know it has cycles.  There are times when I am doing better, like when I am receiving esketamine treatment or transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).  During these times I must be alert for signs that the depression is resurfacing.  It is best to act early when it does.  Even during my better times, I continue with therapy and employing my coping skills.   These allow me to stay on top of my mental health and continue to heal. 

            One way I know the depression is starting to resurface is I feel myself dragging to do things.  I feel a heaviness weigh down upon me.  The thoughts in my head turn negative and become louder.  The running dialogue in my head is negative.  I tire easily but can’t sleep.  I become easily frustrated.  Another thing I tend to do is disengage.  I back out of plans with friends.  I feel a need to be alone.  

            Often, I can tell my mental health team when I realize that depression is coming back.  When I do this, treatment gets underway quickly.  However, there are times when I go into denial.  I try to push myself through the resurfacing depression until it is too late.  I hate that I do this.  I’ve gotten better about not doing it.  Depression has taught me that it is an aggressive foe.  Sometimes it comes on too quickly for me to see the warning signs.  When that happens, I am in for a difficult episode.  I know I must rely on my mental health team when the depression gets like this.  I must remember, though, that I am a member of that team.  The treatment works best when we fight as a team.  

            If you notice any signs of depression in your life, I urge you to act quickly.  Don’t be afraid to seek help.  If you have never experienced depression before, you may want to start with your primary care provider.  He or she can screen for depression and provide you with a referral to a therapist or psychiatrist depending on your situation.  Be aware that some primary care providers are not good with mental illness.  I am lucky. Mine is great.  However, I have seen others who just do not care.  If you run into one who is not taking your needs seriously, be assertive.  Request to see someone else or demand a referral.  Depression is an illness and everyone who suffers from it deserves treatment.  

            You may not fit with the first mental health provider you see.  Do not be afraid to “shop around”.  It is important to find a therapist or psychiatrist who is a good fit for you.  Be honest with him or her about your symptoms.  I would recommend writing your symptoms and what you are feeling down so that you don’t forget anything.  

            Depression affects everyone differently.  I have shared my warning signs, but these may be different for you.  Even though we have different symptoms, it is still depression and needs to be treated. If you feel overwhelmed and can’t explain your symptoms to the provider, try giving him or her your list.  That way they know what you are experiencing and are better able to ask questions to evaluate your illness.

            Sadly, depression is an illness that often requires us to advocate for ourselves. As I have said before there is a stigma surrounding depression.  Know that depression is an illness, and you deserve treatment. There are organizations out there to help you.  One that I support and believe in is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). They have chapters throughout the United States and offer great support and programs. I encourage you to check out NAMI. 

            Be aware of your mental health.  If something doesn’t seem right, trust your instincts, and ask a doctor.  Depression is an illness, but with the right help, it can be battled.

 

 

 

 

Returning

                 For the past two plus years I have been on medical leave from the job I had for 26 years. Cancer forced me to take the leave. I have spent the past two years dealing with cancer and aspects of my mental health. It was a difficult time. Despite the difficulties, the pain, the treatment, and all the time to allow my mind to run wild, I have overcome cancer. This horrible disease is no longer ruling my life. The time has come for me to return to the life I once led. It is time to return to normalcy and the working world. 

                  In all honesty the concept of returning to work terrifies me despite how grateful I am to be afforded this opportunity. Cancer did not beat me. I have been given a gift. There was a time when I did not think I would ever get this opportunity. The fears that arose from my cancer diagnosis haunted every aspect of my life. Those fears negatively impacted my mental health. 

                  I know I am lucky to be able to return to work. Why then am I so anxious and overwhelmed? Yesterday was a terrible day. The anxiety of it all really hit me as one thing went wrong after another. I am grateful that I had my mental health team to reach out to for support. My friend, Maria, also helped me through it. She has been the voice of reason. Maria reminds me that education is changing, and I will face many new things, some difficult, but even with the changes I can be successful if I prepare and keep an open mind. That is a message I needed to hear. Luckily, she did not tell me that when I was in crisis yesterday. She waited until I was calmer and could hear her message with a clear mind. She also let me know she will be there when I need support.

                  I wonder if teaching will be like riding a bike. Will I remember what to do when I enter the classroom? I know I will face challenges. I know things have changed. I also know that I was not happy the last time I was in the classroom. Fears that those feelings will return swirl in my mind. During my last year of teaching, the environment I was in almost broke me. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I have an amazing mental health team that held my hand and walked me through that time. I am in a different place mentally now. I will be at a new school with new students.  I have met the administration, and they seem enthusiastic and positive. They carry an air of support, which I did not feel at my previous school. That gives me hope for my new teaching assignment.

                  Still, cancer is in my thoughts. I know my mind is messing with me. It is causing pains that remind me of the pains I had prior to my cancer diagnosis. I know I am fine. My recent pet scan showed that there are no tumors in my body. My bloodwork has been good. The pain is just a figment of my mind taunting me. Depression and anxiety want to be noticed, and they are creating this pain in an attempt to scare me. I cannot let them win. I beat cancer. I know it may come back, but it is not back now. I need to focus on living the life I have been given. Depression and anxiety are going to talk in my head, but I know it is them. I can talk back to them.

                  One of the things I learned in my cancer journey is that I need to dance. What does that mean? It means I need to focus on the joys in life. I need to recognize that my cancer journey made me stronger. I am a survivor. If I can beat cancer, I can handle teaching. I can dance my way back into the classroom. One toe tap at a time, I can become the quality teacher I once was. The ability to teach still resides within me. I need to welcome this opportunity with joy no matter how much it scares me. Cancer taught me that I can do hard things. There is a strength within me that sometimes I forget to acknowledge. That strength has fought depression and anxiety. It has fought cancer. Each time the strength has emerged on top. I must believe that this time will be no different. I admit that I am scared. The fear of cancer’s return will always be in the back of my mind. I cannot allow that fear to prevent me from moving forward. There are students waiting for me to teach them. As I reenter the classroom, I do so with a new sense of my inner strength. I hope to pass that strength onto my students.

                  So, despite my fears and anxiety, returning to work is a positive thing. It is a gift. Teaching has been such an integral part of my life. I need to embrace this opportunity to teach again. Returning to teaching is a good thing and I welcome the opportunity.

The Value of Peer Support

                 The last few years I become aware that my illnesses, both mental and physical, need more than just professional treatment. While those treatments are important in my battles with depression, anxiety, and cancer, something was missing for a long time. I was alone. My journal was the only place I shared my thoughts and feelings. My journal was the listening ear that wasn’t paid by my health insurance. 

                  The isolation I experienced limited my healing. It kept the pains I lived with and the fears that haunted me pent up inside of me. Then I discovered that I was not alone. This revelation came thanks to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I became involved with this organization, I learned that others shared similar experiences to mine. I learned I have peers in the struggle with mental illness. This realization led to me becoming more involved with NAMI. I participated in programs and awareness activities. I have grown through my involvement. Now, I even lead groups. 

                  My experiences with peer support through NAMI made it easier for me to join a cancer support group after I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Once a week for the last two years, I have met with a group of people who are also facing this monster disease. As I think about all the conversations we have had over the last two years, I realize how close I have become to these people. We have supported each other and lifted each other up during the bad times. Having peers while I faced cancer has allowed me to understand my cancer better. Knowing I am not alone has reduced my fears and eased my anxiety. 

                  With both my mental illness and cancer, peer support has been a valuable part of healing and living with the illnesses. I know that without these people who have become an integral part of my life, I would not be in the place I am. I would not be doing as well as I now am. When you have peers to share the journey, you are not alone. You face struggles together. You grieve when necessary. You celebrate the victories no matter how small. 

                  Knowing peer support has made a difference in my life, I decided to learn a little about the recognized values of this form of support. I discovered seven benefits of peer support. The benefits address emotional, social, and practical needs. The benefits result from the connection with others who share similar experiences. Here are the benefits:

 

·      Emotional validation and understanding: Through shared experiences peers can offer empathy and understanding that professionals and loved ones without the illness may not be able to express. The shared experience reduces feelings of isolation and shame. It also reduces that feeling of being alone or the only one facing the illness.

·      Reduced stigma: Talking openly with peers who understand what you are going through helps to normalize the experience. As stigma is reduced, acceptance is increased.

·      Hope and empowerment: When we see others who have made progress in their illness or are managing it successfully, we find hope. Peer support also promotes a sense of agency. We see that recovery or better management of the illness is possible.

·      Social connection: Peer support groups build community and friendship. This is important when fighting illness. The social connection fostered in peer support groups can reduce feelings of loneliness.

·      Increased engagement with care: When talking with peers we can learn to trust the healthcare system. Hearing the positive experiences of others can increase our willingness to seek treatment or follow treatment plans. It can also make us aware of what we want to avoid in treatment. 

·      Personal growth and purpose: Supporting each other in a peer support group can provide a sense of self-worth and purpose. As this happens our own recovery or coping journey is reinforced. 

 

        I know I am a stronger person and better able to fight my illnesses because of the

peer support I receive through NAMI and my cancer support group. I have grown through peer support. I hope that I have offered my peers as much as I have received from them. Together we forge ahead in our illness journeys. I am grateful for these peers that I now call friends. 

                  As I prepare to return to work, I fear losing some of my connection to my peer support. These people are such an integral part of my life now. I trust I will find ways to stay connected and check in as often as work allows. My peers are just as important in my recovery as the treatments I have received. They helped me through those treatments. Peer support is a valuable part of my illness recovery and can be an important part of yours. If you are facing an illness, reach out to groups like NAMI, the Cancer Support Community, or an organization specializing in your illness. Peer support is valuable part of healing from any illness. 

Moving Forward

                 I am sitting here wondering what I will write about today. Coffee sits on the table next to my computer. My thoughts are slow today, likely a result of the esketamine treatment I just had. The slower thoughts are indication treatment is working. The anxious thoughts that often fill my mind are at peace right now. Depression is being held at bay. I do not feel the darkness. Colors, mostly purples and greens, filled my awareness as the esketamine did its work. I emerged from the dissociation calm and feeling lighter. The weight of my mental illness lifted. 

                  Over the last few decades depression and anxiety have ruled my life, but treatments like esketamine and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), bring relief. It took so long to reach this point. For too long I took medications that did not help. Sometimes the medications would mask things, but they never brought me healing. Medications were ineffective at best. At times they likely did more harm than good, especially when I became over-reliant on a benzo. I should not say “over-reliant”. I should call it what it was, an addiction. It was an addiction that tore me down and left me unable to function properly. Now, I have emerged from the failures of medication. I have a mental health team that understands my illness and more importantly, my needs. 

                  Today I am different than I was a few years ago. The gratitude goes to my mental health team. They pulled me out of the darkness by thinking outside the box. No more ineffective medications. Therapy and alternative treatments lead me into healing. I am able to live with my mental illness. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life, but they no longer rule it. At moments like right now, I can think clearly. I can acknowledge the positives that are a part of my life even though there are still challenges I must face. 

                  While I do not fully understand the science behind it, somehow esketamine enables my brain to function without the darkness of depression. Before treatment I set an intention. It is an intention I have been using during most treatments recently. That intention is simply three words: “Let it go”. As I am waiting to start treatment I write these words in my journal. I add some particular things I want to let go. Then I read the words a few times before the esketamine allows me to drift into a pleasant dissociation. By doing this I have given my mind the intention it needs to process during this time. My mind can work and prepare me to me to let things go. When I begin to emerge from the dissociation the words are still there, reminding me that I need to let go of all that hinders my ability to live fully. 

                  Finding the right mental health treatment is a gift. I know that I have two treatments I can rely on, esketamine and TMS, which also works for me. Treatment allows me to function. It allows me to embrace life in a new way. I recognize that I have my challenges. Mental illness will always be around. Cancer is there, lurking in the recesses of my life. Despite the presence of these illnesses, I am living. Sure, I struggle at times. That is part of life. I am moving forward. I expect some changes as I heal. Some changes will be challenging. Others will be just what I need. Being open to new treatments has allowed me to grow. I hope others read this, and if these treatments are right for them, I hope they take a chance on them. 

Hope Even When We Are Bent and Broken

 “I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape”. – Charles Dickens

 

                  The quote above comes from Charles Dickens’ book Great Expectations. When I first read this quote the other day, I realized it fit in with the title of my blog. The quote suggests that even when things are difficult there is hope. 

                  When I think about my depression, I recognize that it has often left me bent, and sometimes, broken. By this I mean depression leaves me struggling. It is difficult to live with a mental illness. Sometimes I feel like depression takes me to that breaking point. Depression leaves me believing I cannot overcome its effects on me. There have been times where I have been broken. Those are the times when I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They are the times when I have wanted to give up on life. Despite all the times I have been bent and broken, I am still here. Depression has not taken my life. There is hope in my still being here.

                  The hope gives me strength. It allows me to continue living. Hope allows me to believe that I can find the good in life. I hope I have grown as a result of all the times I have been bent and broken. With each struggle, I learn a little more about myself and my illness. I have learned that there is a will to live inside of me. So, being bent and broken has bent me into a better shape. It has shown my resiliency. 

                  Living with depression is a dark place, but when hope enters our lives, we can allow the light of healing into our lives. Hope is a little word, but it is so powerful. I hear it whispered in many areas of my life. When I talk to one of my mental health providers, their words speak of hope. As I am receiving esketamine treatment, visions of hope fill my mind. In discussions with my cancer support group, the concept of hope is shared. Hope is also present when I receive infusions as part of my battle to keep the cancer at bay. This powerful little word is everywhere. 

                  There is a Latin phrase – “dum spiro, spero”. It translates to “while I breathe, I hope”. I think this is a powerful phrase. One of the members of my support group often says this phrase to remind us that there is hope in our journeys. The phrase reminds me that even in the darkest moments of depression or cancer, I still have hope. I may be bent and even broken in places, but I am breathing. So, there is hope remaining. 

                  As I bend and even break, I am emerging as a better person, a stronger person. I truly believe that my journey with mental and physical illness has strengthened me. It has allowed me to see the value in life. Each moment that I am breathing there is hope that I am becoming who I am supposed to be. 

                  The purpose of this blog is to infuse depression with hope. The words I write are meant to bring healing not only to myself, but to all who read these words. As we bend, we grow. That growth might be in a different direction than we expected, but we grow, nonetheless. No one wants to bend to the point of breaking, but maybe sometimes we need to break, to start over and become who we are meant to be.

Celebrating 200 Posts: A Look Back

                  Yesterday I realized that I have reach a milestone that I never imagined I would reach, especially considering all I have been through the last two years. This is the 200^th post on Bent, Not Broken: Living with Depression. Two hundred snuck up on me. The only reason I know is that when I was checking my blog stats yesterday, I saw that I had written 199 posts. So, how did we reach this point? I started this blog on June 16, 2023 with the post Why a Depression Blog?. When I posted that I was just learning about blogging. I knew I had a message I wanted to share. A blog seemed like a good way to share it. At the time I had no way of knowing that this blog would become a lifeline for me over the next two years. The blog gave me purpose. It gave me a reason to write on days when I felt like crap. It has become a consistent part of my life as I post twice a week. I have posted when depressed, when anxious, when I felt terrible after chemotherapy, and when I have felt the hand of hope in my life. 

Today I am going to take a look back. I will share links to previous posts. I encourage you to follow the links and check out some posts you may have missed. You can also reread posts that you enjoyed. My goal is to grow this blog and reach people who live with mental illness as well as people who want to better understand mental illness. We live in a world where many people live with mental illness. It benefits all of us when understanding is spread. So, join me on this look back.

My second post (don’t worry I am not going to write about all 200 posts) Where did Bent, Not Broken Come From? explains the title of my blog. It contains a poem I wrote. Every once in a while, I share my poetry on this blog. Poetry is huge part of my healing story.

My most read post to date is A Safe Place for Healing. In this post I shared how writing at my favorite coffee place brings me a sense of healing. I am actually sitting at a Coffee Bea & Tea Leaf (my favorite) as I write this post. Some things never change. I think I will always feel most comfortable writing here.

Soon after I started this blog I was struck by cancer. As a result, I wrote about how the cancer affected me. Cancer intersected my battle with depression and anxiety. Strangely, cancer may have saved my life. Let me explain. I have battled suicidal thoughts most of my life. For more on suicide read these posts: Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Are Not Signs of Weakness and Hope After Suicidal Thoughts. When I was diagnosed with cancer, a desire to live interrupted my suicidal thoughts. I did not want cancer to end my life and I fought to live. A few of my most read posts involved my cancer battle and how it impacted my thoughts, which are driven by the mental illness I battle. These include: Grateful Despite Cancer, Contradictory Thoughts: Life and Death, A Funeral for My Hair, and Dancing the Down Days Away.

One of my main goals in writing this blog is to help people understand mental illness. The more people understand mental illness, the more stigma will be reduced. As someone who has been hurt by stigma (Turning Hurtful Words into Healing) I want to prevent others from feeling the sting I have felt. One post that aims to directly do this is What to Say to Someone with a Mental Illness.

I have also shared information on alternative treatments for depression. Four posts specifically focused on these alternative treatments. Two were written by a mental health professional, Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP, and two were written from my perspective as a patient who has received these treatments. These four posts were among some of the most read posts on my blog. To read them follow these links: Renewed and Recharged (TMS), TMS: A Firsthand Account, Gardening the Mind (Esketamine Treatment), and Fertilization and Purple Lights (Esketamine Treatment).

Two posts that might be worth a re-read are All I Know So Far and Whispers Above the Water. I know from first-hand experience that there are many people out there who care and who do everything in their power to help others. Check out these posts to read about some of them: Finding the Right Psychiatrist for You, Celebrating Nurse Practitioner Week, and National Physician's Assistants Day. As I write this, I realize I never wrote a post specifically about my psychologist. I mention him in several posts. He deserves his own post. Look for that next week. 

A few of my recent posts have felt good to write. One is about noticing thoughts. I think that is an important skill. We need to notice our thoughts and then move on rather than allow ourselves to fixate on a thought. This is not always easy when you have a mental illness. Check out this post for some ideas on Noticing Thoughts.

I have also written about Silencing Your Inner Critic and asking for help (You Possess the Strength to Ask for Help). Another post Mental Health on the Injury Report discusses the growing number of athletes who acknowledge their mental health needs. 

I am really proud of my March 2025 posts on Women in Mental Health. Here they are: Influential Women in the Mental Health Field, More Influential Women in the Mental Health Field, Continuing to Discuss Women Who Have Made Contributions to Mental Health, Even More Influential Women in the Mental Health Field, There Are More Influential Women in the Mental Health Field, and Women in Mental Health Who Are Influential in My Life.

I could go on. I have touched on so many mental health related topics. I was surprised when I went through all that I have posted. This blog is my baby. It is my gift to others. I hope that people with mental illness find connection and support in my blog. I hope that mental health professionals find affirmation for their work and a deeper understanding of their patients. I hope people who do not live with mental illness find a greater understanding of what it is like to live with mental illness. This blog is really for everyone. Check out some of the links I have included. Scroll through the blog. You might find something that interests you. Better yet, you might find something that helps you. 

Thank you to everyone who has read my blog. I appreciate all the reads. Thank you to all who have commented on posts. Comments help build engagement. I read all your comments. I am grateful to all who have shared my blog. These first 200 posts are just the beginning. I plan to continue posting and talking about mental health. I hope you will continue to read my blog. The success of Bent, Not Broken: Living with Mental Illness is built on my readers. Thank you