As I sit here receiving my weekly dose of the chemo that will hopefully kill my cancer and allow me to live, my mind is swirling with thoughts. These thoughts create a contradiction between wanting to live and thinking death would be a welcomed end to the physical and emotional pain I am experiencing. This contradiction weighs on me, keeps me awake at night and drags me down at other times. I believe I can fight at the same time I think about giving up. I am filled with contradictory thoughts.
It is similar to the chemo that flows into me through an IV in my right arm. A medication that is intended to kill as it heals me. Is it any wonder that my mind is full of similar contradictions?
Two illnesses bear down upon me, depression and cancer. They feed off each other to create the contradiction. The depression brings on the thoughts of suicide. The thoughts just pop into my mind. Often, there is a trigger. Sometimes the trigger is the frustration with the coverage my health insurance provides. Other times my anger at having cancer turns inward. In these moments I question if I can fight. Still, in other moments there is the fear of a painful death from cancer that call for those suicidal thoughts.
How is it possible to have thoughts of suicide when I am fighting for my life? A contradiction has been created. Two illnesses battling for my attention. Depression longs to give me a sense of control. It wants to control my death, but cancer makes its voice heard. Reminds me how much it is in control. I want to beat cancer, fight it with all I have. The contradiction is about control. The depression wants to control. The breast cancer wants to control. In the midst of their battle, I long for control over both.
Suicidal thoughts have plagued me since my teenage years. It is a battle I know well. We dance the dance, depression and me. Perhaps as S, my psychiatric nurse practitioner, says the suicidal thoughts have become an automatic response. Depression has programmed my mind to repeat those thoughts. It makes sense. The thoughts have haunted me for decades, yet I am still here battling. The thoughts vie for my attention, beg me to act on them. Now, unfortunately, or is it fortunately, they have a new opponent. Cancer.
Depression no longer has my full attention. It is angry and attempts to make its voice heard. Cancer screams over it. Informs me it has joined the fray. With the cancer my fears rise. I am afraid I will die. I am afraid cancer has the control.
Despite the thoughts depression brings, I am afraid of dying. I want to live. I want to take away cancer’s control. I realize I have a lot to live for. The cancer angers me. I wonder, “Why me? Why do I have to battle two illnesses?” The contradiction is front and center. As I battle I realize that the contradiction will continue. At times the suicidal thoughts will occupy my mind despite my longing to survive cancer. The contradiction does not mean I am crazy. Rather it is a result of battling two intensely strong illnesses simultaneously. I need to accept what I am going through. It is a part of the battle. Hopefully, depression and cancer picked the wrong person for their feud.
My friend, Sharon, told me to listen for the whisper. Maybe that whisper is my true voice. I think it is telling me to stand up to depression and cancer. The whisper is telling me to fight. I can overcome the contradiction and live.
