Letting the Light In

“We are all broken…that’s how the light gets in.” – Ernest Hemingway

 

                  The other day I saw this quote posted on a Giving Voice to Depression  social media page. I have heard this quote many times. It has always given me reason to think. It relates well to my view of depression and the ways I have expressed depression and healing in my writing. 

                  Depression is a darkness. It fills our lives with shades we cannot see through. Darkness has long represented how I feel when the depression is heavy. I have written many poems with the theme of darkness. I understand the darkness. I have lived within its shadows for so long. Darkness represents my brokenness. It is a brokenness that people who live with depression know all too well. 

                  Brokenness can be a symbol for the struggle in the dark that a person suffering with depression lives with. In a sense our life is broken. I think that is another way of referring to the illness that is depression. Depression breaks down what is considered a normal thought process. However, I’m not sure I would agree that there is a normal thought process. We each think differently. For some of us those thoughts turn dark. These thoughts turn in on us and leave us in pain. It can literally feel like we are in the dark. 

When we are in the darkness, it seems as if we will never see the light of healing. I have always expressed healing as a light in my writing and in my thoughts. When healing occurs, it is as if light is breaking through the darkness. Sometimes the light peeks through a crack. That is a small moment of healing, a brief reprieve from the darkness. At other times the light can burst through the darkness. I have experienced that with both TMS treatment and esketamine treatment. The burst of light is a shattering of the darkness, a lifting of the depression. 

I believe we experience light in varying degrees at different times in our lives. Extreme darkness, those times when suicidal thoughts are strongest, makes it seem impossible to experience the light of healing. Our thoughts tell us there is no light. It is in these times that we must hold on to the aspects of healing that are present in our lives. It may be a mental health professional, a friend or loved one, or a treatment. Holding on to whichever it is, allows light to break into our lives. By the very fact that we are broken, we have cracks to let the light in.  We just find it difficult to see this. It is difficult to understand how light can reach us when we are in the depths of darkness. 

I believe the light is there even when we struggle to see its presence. I need to believe this. If I didn’t, I would be completely without hope. Often, I need assistance remembering that the light is out there. That is okay. We shouldn’t face the darkness of depression alone, which is why conversations about depression are so important. As Glenn Close said, “What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

Darkness is going to be present with depression. The goal is to find ways to allow the light in. This can be a Herculean task. Don’t embark on this task on your own. Even if you are alone, reach out to someone. Reach into the light that is seeping through the cracks in your depression. The cracks are there. Everything that is broken has cracks. Some we can see, others we can’t. Those cracks allow the light in. The light can be a therapist or psychiatrist, a medication, a support group, a non-traditional treatment, or loved one. Find your cracks. Be open to allowing the light in even in your darkest moments. Depression is deep darkness, but the light of healing can seep in. 

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned Giving Voice to Depression. This podcast can be another source of light. I have found light in listening to the stories shared on this podcast and I would encourage you to check it out. 

 

A Shift in My Journey

           It has been over a week since I posted.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to post.  I just haven’t been able to write. I need to be up front about what it is going on.  I hope all of you reading this will understand.  I am very open about my mental health.  It is only fair that I be open about my physical health as well.  Recently, I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  This diagnosis has hit me hard.  I thought I had been on top of breast screenings.  In March my mammogram was normal.  How do I even have breast cancer now?  Yesterday the doctor explained that my cancer is fast-growing.  It is in my liver, too.  I just had scans done to see if it is anywhere else.  I’m waiting for the results.  The waiting has been difficult.  I fear the cancer is spreading as I wait for treatment to start. 

            Monday, August 14^th, will be my first chemotherapy treatment.  I’m scared.  I’m worried I don’t have the strength to fight this battle.  My depression was just getting better.  I had a new job to look forward to.  This blog was doing well. I was getting more involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  Then in an instant my primary care provider said one word that brought that all crashing down. CANCER.  I’m grateful she is the one who told me.   She was gentle and understanding.  Hearing it from her rather than some other doctor made it easier.  But that word is seared into my mind.  I have cancer.

            One of the things I’ve been struggling with is the fact that I’ve battled depression my whole life.  Isn’t that enough?  Why cancer on top of depression? I question whether I have the strength to fight both simultaneously.  My psych team has been great. All three of them are supporting me and I know they will help me deal with the depression.  

            There are so many unknowns.  I have so many questions.  My journey has taken a new twist.  It is a serious twist into the unknown.  One that I will have to learn to navigate whether I like it or not.  It won’t be easy.  There will be rough days ahead.  I’m in pain and often don’t feel well.  That is to be expected.  

            I want to keep this blog going.  Writing has always been healing for me.  Maybe chronicling my journey and writing about different aspects of depression will be healing for me.  I have plans to ask some people for guest posts to help me keep the blog updated.  Unfortunately, I can’t promise I’ll write to two posts a week.  Please keep reading.  I promise to do my best to get posts written.  If you have ideas for future posts, write them in the comments. 

            Obviously, I don’t know what the future holds.  I remain committed to mental health awareness, especially as it relates to depression.  I won’t give up and I ask that you don’t give up on me. 

 

Finding the Right Therapist

            Therapy is a key part of living with depression.  I believe it is vital to have the right therapist. Whether that person is a psychologist, counselor, or therapist finding the right one is vital.  Finding the right one can be a process.  There will be some that just don’t meet your needs.  That doesn’t mean that he or she is not a good therapist.  It just means the fit is not right.  

            In the early years of my depression, I saw several different therapists.  I have been with the same therapist, a psychologist, for 21 years now.  He provides for my needs and understands me.  Therapy is often a difficult journey in which you face many of your challenges head on.  For me it has been beneficial to be with the same psychologist for years because he knows me, and I am comfortable talking to him.  Therapy requires openness and a willingness to trust.  That has built up for me.  I know that when I go into a therapy session, I will make progress.  That progress may look different each time.  That is okay.  It is part of the journey.  

            So, what should you look for in a good therapist.  A simple search of the internet will give you many qualities.  Here are some that I feel are important:

 

·      Trustworthiness

·      Empathy

·      Communication Skills

·      The ability to listen to what is said and not said

·      Compassion

·      Critical Thinking

·      Optimism

·      Observation Skills

·      Hopeful/Positive

·      Patience

 

            It is important to feel comfortable with your therapist.  You will spend a lot of time working with him or her.  Your relationship, while professional, needs to be sincere.  It needs to be built on trust.  As the patient, you need to know that your therapist has your best interests at heart.  Your therapist needs to know that you will be honest with him or her.  It is not good to hide things from your therapist.  Don’t paint a picture you think he or she wants to hear.  Your therapist needs to know your reality.  He or she deserves to know your reality.  That is the only way they can help you battle depression (or other mental illness).  

            Therapy is a two-way street.  For it to be successful there must be commitment from both the patient and the therapist.  Together you embark on a journey.  You will navigate many aspects of your depression.  Some sessions will be the “feel good” type.  Others will be deep and gut-wrenching.  Both types are necessary.  

            Whether you already have a therapist, or you are just beginning your search, remember that the decision of fit is yours to make.  You need to be proactive for yourself, but it’s also okay to ask for help.  Make the best of your patient-therapist relationship.  He or she is a key member of your support team and will make a difference in your treatment. 

 

Check back Thursday, July 27^th for a new post.   

A Poem About Living with Depression

            I am going through some difficult things right now and couldn’t write a post for today.  My mind is just not in the right place to write.  Not being able to write actually adds to my struggle.  I hope you will forgive me for not having more to post today.  I hope to have one written for Monday.  For today, I am going to share a poem that I wrote in the past about living with depression.  Please share your thoughts in the comments section.

 

Depression

 

Depression hurts.

It is a silent pain.

Often hidden from others.

A smile on the outside masks the torment within my mind.

Words spin in my head.

Thoughts that will not stop create a barrage that drags me down.

No one hears these thoughts.

Others cannot comprehend the pain caused by these nagging words.

Depression is a lonely condition.

One that so often a person battles alone.

Out of fear that others will not understand, I isolate myself.

The depression gathers strength.

I worry others will notice and think that I am weak.

Despite knowing the depression is real, 

I fear others will belittle my affliction.

Society does not recognize the reality of depression.

People tell me to cheer up.

They do not understand that I would if I could.

There is no on-and-off switch.

I will continue to fight depression.

Some days the depression will win;

Other days I will win.

A lifelong battle with an invisible illness.

Depression hurts, depression debilitates,

But my silent battle preserves.

 

Check back on Monday, July 24^th for my next post.

 

The Impact of Depression on Self-Esteem

            It is difficult to live in a world of darkness without it affecting your self-esteem. As I have mentioned, I have lived with depression since I was 14 years old.  During a time when I should have been discovering myself, learning my likes and dislikes, developing my talents and interests, depression was telling me that my life wasn’t worth living.  This prevented those things from happening.  I did not have the opportunity to build confidence or self-esteem.  Instead, I saw everything through the dark lens of depression. My mind focused on the negatives I felt.  It focused on the pain.  My mind didn’t experience happiness.  That set the stage for life moving forward.

            Self-esteem is defined as “confidence in one’s own worth and abilities”. (Oxford Languages and Google) As a person with depression, I struggle to believe in my own worth.  The messages in my mind tell me that I am not worth anything and that life is not worth living.  It makes sense that developing self-esteem would be near impossible with my mind being filled with these messages. As a result, I struggle with self-esteem.  I can understand that I have developed skills in my profession, but it is hard for me to take ownership of them.  

            It is hard to believe in myself when my mind is telling me all that I can’t do.  Depression prevents me from wanting to engage in life, dragging every aspect of my life down.  How do you tell yourself that you are good at something when you are just going through the motions?  Life becomes just an attempt to get by.  There is no real enjoyment.  

            I know I am not alone in this.  Depression steals self-esteem.  It prevents self-esteem from developing.  You can see it in the way a person with depression interacts with the world.  There is a lack of hope in our interactions that reflects our inner thoughts.  That lack of hope is a result of not having a belief in our own worth.  We have heard the negative in our minds for so long that self-esteem escapes us.

            So, how can we develop self-esteem.  For me, I have even struggled to believe that I have the capability of healing.  My mind has told me that I cannot do the things necessary to heal.  To battle this, I have had to hang onto the hope of my team.  I have had to let others hope for me.  It has helped.  But what else can we do?  How do we develop self-esteem when the depression is so loud?

            For starters, the steps must be simple.  People with depression are often not able to make big changes quickly.  We also must remember that there will be setbacks.  Here are a few things we can try:

·      Visualize: Try closing your eyes and bringing up an image of doing something well.

·      Journal: Write down what you are thinking. Try a two-way journal entry – write the negative thoughts you are having and then write a response to those thoughts from the perspective of someone who believes in you.  Maybe use words you have heard your therapist or psychiatrist use.

·      Self-Talk/Talk Back: When a thought tells you that you are not good at something, give it a little backtalk.  Say, “You are wrong. I can do that.”  This isn’t easy, but it is worth practicing.

·      Use affirmations: Find affirmations that help you and put them in places you will read them. Try memorizing a few.

·      Set realistic goals: Work with a psychologist, therapist, or trusted friend to set achievable goals for yourself.  

 

            As I write these strategies, I realize you might be thinking what I would think if I read them: “That’s too much for me.”  Trying all of them is overwhelming.  Even attempting one is going to take work and determination.  You might find you need help.  I know I have needed help.  I have leaned on my care team and on friends to help me.  To do this, especially with friends or family members, you must be clear in stating what you need.  If one strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up.  Try another strategy.  Ask your therapist or other trusted person for other ideas.  I have only listed a few.  If you have another idea, put it in the comments.  You might have the perfect idea to help someone else. 

            Developing self-esteem when suffering from depression is not easy.  It is a battle.  But it is a battle worth fighting. 

             Check back on Monday, July 17 for a new post.

Depression: What I Know and Don’t Know

    I know a lot about depression.  I am more familiar with it than I ever wanted to be.  I know its definition. I know its symptoms and its treatments.  I know the coping strategies.  I know how it affects me.  I know what it is has stolen from me.  I know depression is an illness.  It is an illness that lasts a lifetime.  I am intimately close to depression.  It has been haunting me for decades.  

I should be an expert by now, but I am not.  I am just a person suffering from this illness.  Sure, I know a lot.  It is not enough.  Depression is an ever-evolving beast.  An illness that interferes with my life no matter how much knowledge I have.

            There is so much I don’t know. Like, why did depression choose me? Why have I lived in the darkness since such a young age? Why has it left me wanting to die? Why haven’t I taken that final step? Why do I get treatment when so many others don’t? Why doesn’t medication work for me? Why is depression never satisfied? It always must take more. Why does depression lie? Whose voice is it using? Why does depression have so much strength? 

            Depression has filled me with questions. Some will be left forever unanswered. I’ve been helped to find the answers to others thanks to my support team. But there will always be questions.

            You see there are more questions than answers. To battle this illness, we must not allow ourselves to become consumed by the questions. There are professionals whose job it is to find the answers. Many of them are very good at what they do. Let’s allow them to do their job. We, the ones living with depression, need to focus on the light. Keep our minds on what brings us healing. Follow our treatment plans. Reach out to our support systems. Live as best as we are capable of living. Know that it is okay to have depression. It is an illness. It is a part of us, but it does not define us.

            The questions will always be there.  In many ways, the answers do not matter.  Depression is what it is.  Depression is a debilitating illness.  At times we can fight it better than other times.  I try not to dwell on the questions, although sometimes I get caught up in wanting to know.  It is difficult.  I want to defeat depression, but I know it will always be there lurking.  I ask the questions, but try to be content with the lack of answers.  I’ll never know why depression chose me.  Maybe that is okay.  I understand what I need to know.  I am not ignorant when it comes to this illness.  I have accepted that there is much I do not understand. What I do know about depression is enough to help me fight this illness.  

Living with an Invisible Illness

            Depression is an invisible illness.  So often, others cannot see the pain and the struggle the sufferer goes through.  There are no physical markers like a cast or cane.  There is no pale or jaundiced skin.  Often, it is hidden behind the façade of a smile.  It is not unusual for a person with depression to look “normal”, to look as if they are functioning just fine.  The truth of the illness is hidden.  It’s pain unknown to others because it is within the mind.  No one sees the debilitating thoughts.  No one sees the weight that drags us down.  The darkness is ours alone.  

            On the outside people with depression can look ordinary.  While inside they are ravaged by an illness that has no mercy.  Often, we can go about our daily activities without anyone knowing.  We lie and say we are tired or that we just need some rest.  The reality is that depression is tearing us apart.  We are living behind a façade.  Alone, the illness hurts, makes us want to scream out in pain.  

            We hide because others don’t understand.  They tell us to smile, tell us to cheer up.  Don’t they know we would if we could?  Others do not believe our illness is real.  They believe that we just need to think positive. Ha!! Would they tell some with high blood pressure to think their pressure was lower?  Would they tell someone with cancer to just think positive? Why then do those of us with depression hear such platitudes from others? 

            Depression is an illness.  Those of us who live with it know its reality.  We cannot just think ourselves well.  Telling us to, only makes the pain worse.  People mean well.  They want us to be happy, but depression is more than being unhappy.  It is an all-consuming condition.  It affects our mood, our thoughts, our physical health.  Depression requires treatment, not just positive words.  One glance at the statistics shows that depression can cause death.  It is not an illness that will get better on its own.  People need to understand the importance of treatment.  People need to understand the severity of the illness.  Stop saying, “Smile, you have so much to be happy about.” Instead, ask us what we need.  Listen to us, really hear what we are saying.  Encourage us to seek treatment.  Don’t make jokes about therapy.  It is a valuable part of healing for us.  Allow us to take days off for our mental health just as we would If we had the flu or a migraine.  

            Depression does not have to be an invisible illness.  With understanding and awareness, we can change things.  We can help people who suffer from depression.  We can let them know their illness is real and that we want them to heal. 

            I would like to share a poem with you that attempts to describe living with this invisible illness:

 

An Invisible Illness

 

I see it in the eyes of others.

They wonder how I can have an illness

When I seem to function so well. 

My illness is invisible at times,

But it is always there.

Plaguing my mind;

Hindering my life.

I hold so much pain inside;

Pretend the physical symptoms are not real.

Mental illness is often silent on the outside.

Others do not understand what I go through each day.

They assume I am okay.

Sometimes I even tell them I am.

It is my attempt to normalize how I feel,

But it is a lie.

Mental illness hurts.

Invisible at first glance.

Devasting when truly seen.

If others could see the torment

Maybe they would understand and

Life might be a little easier for me.

The pain of an invisible illness is hard to explain.

So, I do my best to hide it. 

When really, I should explain to anyone who will listen.

Let others know what it is like.

Raise awareness

And allow myself a chance to heal.

Check back Monday, July 3 for the next post: "Depression: What I Know and What I Don't Know".

Depression is a Thief

             In the years I have suffered from depression I have missed out on a lot.  Depression has stolen so much.  It takes little things.  It takes big things.  There is no discretion in its thievery.  

            It started by stealing the ability to be happy, to enjoy my youth.  That has progressed throughout my life.  It is still taking that ability away from me, although I am better at fighting back at times. 

Depression has stolen life experiences away from me.  I’ve never had a real relationship.  I never considered getting married.  Depression made me believe that it was unfair to share my life with someone. Who would want to be a part of the darkness? Who would want to be with someone whose life is shrouded by depression?  This illness has made me believe that I am meant to be alone.  Depression has forced me to be alone.

When I see all the wonderful things my niece and nephew are doing, I am reminded that being a parent was stolen from me.  I never wanted to bring children into the darkness.  I realize that was a choice, but it was a choice depression forced me into making.  Depression stole the joy of having a family from me.  Now, I can only look on from afar and see what I missed out on.  

Depression has stolen memories from me.  I don’t remember much from before depression reared its ugly head.  There are little bits here and there, but I struggle to remember the time before the depression.  I have difficulty remembering events and people in my life.  I can’t remember the little things.  I can’t remember the good times.  I remember the pain.  I remember wanting to end my life, planning it.  I know there were activities I was involved in, but so much is a blur.  The darkness of depression clouds my memory.

Today, in middle age, I wonder how much of my memory problems are a result of the depression and how much are age.  My gut tells me it is the depression.  It has been stealing from me my whole life. 

I miss out on a lot because depression makes me feel like crap.  It makes me hide beneath the blankets on my bed instead of going out with friends.  Depression makes me leave family events early.  It leaves me disconnected from others.  

I know I am not alone in this.  I am not the only victim of depression’s thievery.  I am sure many of you reading this can relate.  We have similar stories.  Different things have been stolen from each of us, but we are victims of depression.  I share my experience so that others know they are not alone.  I share so that I know I am not alone. 

I know I can never get back what depression has stolen. Those times, those memories, those events, those relationships.  They are all gone.  Taken away by a cruel illness.  I grieve what I have lost.  It makes the depression worse to know how much I have missed out on. I must move forward.  I hope that as I heal, depression’s thievery will have less of an impact on me.  That is how I fight back.  I tell myself that I still have life left to live, memories left to make, relationships to enjoy.  Sometimes I believe these words.  Other times it is difficult. Depression tells me I am foolish for having hope.  It is a battle I will always fight.  Depression is a thief.  Its victims are many.  Depression is ruthless.  

Despite all depression has stolen from me, I am still alive.  I still have a chance to heal.  If depression has stolen from you, know that you are not alone.  We can fight together.  When we share our stories, we take away some of depression’s power.  Comment below if you have been a victim of depression’s thievery.  Let others know they are not alone.  

 

Next Post: Thursday, June 29^th

 

What Is Depression?

        Before we can undertake a journey into the world of depression, we must understand what depression is and what it isn’t.  There is a psychiatric definition.  Let’s start there and then get into the reality that those of us who live with depression understand. 

       The DSM- 5 defines depression as “Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide”. (August 26, 2022).  

            As a person living with depression, I would agree that all of that is true. Yet depression is so much more.  I usually describe depression as darkness.  It is like being trapped without light.  There is a weight bearing down upon me.  My thoughts are consumed by negativity.  Thoughts of dying overtake me.  I feel worthless.  Depression makes me feel like life is not worth living. I feel alone even in crowded places.  

            Like many people with depression, I have heard the well-meaning, but painful comment, “Just smile.”  Or even better, “You have so much to be happy about.”  When you are shrouded in depression happiness doesn’t exist.  On an intellectual level, I can understand that certain aspects of my life should make me happy.  I can understand that life is worth living.  Yet, the depression argues with that knowledge.  Depression’s voice is much louder than my surroundings.  I feel the darkness.  Depression’s words become my reality.  The happiness becomes unreal.  All I feel is the weight of depression.  

            I have lived with depression most of my life.  We are intimate companions on life’s journey.  I know depression is real.  Forced smiles may mask the depression at times, but they cannot make it go away. Depression is always there.  This is not to say that healing is not a possibility.  There are amazing practitioners out there making great strides in the treatment of depression.  I have been helped by some of them.  So, I know I can heal. 

            Depression isn’t the occasional blues.  It isn’t being sad over a loss.  Depression is all-encompassing and long-term.  It is an illness.  As a mental illness, depression requires health care.  Its impact is not just mental.  There are physical aspects. Weight loss, weight gain, physical pain, lethargy, sleeplessness, concentration difficulties, memory issues.  Depression needs to be addressed as a health issue.  More about that in later posts.

            Depression is a lifelong illness.  It can vary in intensity at times, but its darkness is all-encompassing.  We cannot take depression lightly.  It is an illness that can end in death.  Depression steals hope away from its sufferers.  I know.  I’ve been left hopeless. I’ve been on that edge where life didn’t seem worth living.  Still, I fight.  Determined not to let depression win.  The battle is a huge undertaking.  It is a battle that cannot be fought alone.  Depression is real.  Depression is painful.