A blog about living with major depression disorder. Sharing what life is like when depression clouds your world. Providing coping skills and information about depression and treatment. Creating a community for people to share their lived experiences. A place for people to come together and learn and heal. All are welcome.

Showing posts with label support. Show all posts
Showing posts with label support. Show all posts

Thursday, August 14, 2025

Do I Deserve Support?

                  A question I have often asked myself is “Do I deserve support with my mental health?” Living with mental illness is not easy and I often cannot do it alone. I need support. Is it fair for me to reach out for support? Am I too needy? The simple answer is that everyone deserves support no matter what struggles they are facing. The question then becomes can I allow myself to feel okay asking for support?

                  Even though I can understand that everyone, including me, deserves support, sometimes I start thinking I should be able to get through things on my own. The reality is at times my depression and anxiety prevent me from getting through things on my own. I need support.

                  No one would deny me support for my cancer diagnosis. The same should hold true for my mental illness. Sadly, many people are forced to face their mental illness alone whether because they believe they are not worthy of support or because they do not have access to support. How do we handle it when we do not believe we deserve support? Sometimes I reach for my journal as if it could provide actual support. I know it provides a release for my thoughts and emotions, but it does not respond. What should I do then? 

                  Fortunately, even though I do not always believe I deserve support, I have learned to reach out. I am lucky to have mental health providers I can reach out to when I am struggling. That privilege is not lost on me. I am grateful for every one of them. I know that they are going to be there when I struggle. Sometimes I feel like a burden. I feel like I should just hold on until my next appointment. Unfortunately, depression and anxiety, as well, as other mental illnesses, do not always cooperate with the wait time. I may need support at inconvenient times. This is hard. I may know I am spiraling, but I do not want to be that burden. 

                  I know that even when I do not feel worthy, I need to reach out for support. Sometimes that support is a phone call. Other times it is an email. There are times when that support comes after I have let loose all that I am struggling with during an appointment. By its very nature, mental illness requires support. Even after a lifetime of living with depression and anxiety, I am still coming to terms with needing support and whether I deserve that support. Part of that is the negativity that depression and anxiety fill my mind with so often. Depression tells me, and many others, that I am not worthy. It berates me and causes me to internalize negative thoughts. 

                  I hope that I do not burden my mental health team. I always think about it before I reach out. I question if I really should be reaching out. Sadly, sometimes the depression wins, and I do not reach out. The message I would like to leave others with is that we need to allow ourselves to believe that we deserve support even if our minds our telling us differently. So, reach out when you need support.  

Monday, April 7, 2025

The Importance of Support and Connection

                  Living with an illness, whether mental or physical is difficult. Despite our best efforts we often cannot get through it alone. We have doctors, therapists, family, and friends to help us. Sometimes that is not enough. There is something missing. We need the support of those who understand what we are going through. While family and friends will try, and many are there for whatever we need, there is a sense of understanding that is missing. This is where support groups can be valuable.

                  A support group is an organized group of people living with the same condition or situation. I have gone to support groups for my mental health and for cancer. These groups and the people in the groups have helped me and I hope I have helped others.  A support group is a safe space to talk about what we are going through. It is a place where we find understanding and connection. 

                  Currently, I attend a cancer support group for people with stage 4 cancer. It is led by two therapists. We are on Zoom, which makes attending easier. I have been struggling with something related to my cancer. I was hesitant to share what I had experienced and how it had affected me because I thought it was insignificant compared to what others are going through. I forced myself to share. I was met with understanding and connection. I was able to talk about the situation and hear the perspective of others. It was helpful for me. Perhaps understanding and connection are the gifts of support groups. 

                  The therapist who leads the group said that every story matters. That struck me. I think our stories are all connected in some way. In this group maybe it is that we all know the struggle to keep living despite our diagnoses. Maybe it is that we are all battling an illness and still need to deal with everything else life throws at us. Our stories are connected in some way. That connection is our humanity. 

                  I have felt similar connections in mental health support groups. I have attended support groups facilitated through NAMI. They have a group called Connections (NAMI Connections). These groups are for individuals living with a mental illness and are facilitated by trained peers who have a mental illness. These groups also thrive on connection. I feel safe in these groups. I can share what I am going through and listen to the stories of others. Together we can thrive. 

Sometimes you need to be ready for a support group or you might have to try a couple to find the right one. I remember years ago I attended a support group for depression. I was not in place where I was ready for that kind of sharing and connection. It wasn’t a good fit for me at that particular time. Maybe it was the group. Maybe it was me. Either way I wasn’t in a place where I could share with others. I was closed in, which isn’t healthy.

 Luckily, in time, I found NAMI and later the cancer support group I am a part of. I am able to be a part of the connection now. It benefits me even on the days when I don’t say much. Just listening helps me on some days.

Support groups don’t always have to be formal. I think about when I was teaching. Lunch time was our support group time. Of course, we thought we were just having lunch together. We were all teachers. We went through similar experiences. During this break in our day, we shared our stories Our day-to-day struggles as teachers were discussed and understood. This was our time for connection and support. My experiences lie in teaching, but I imagine there are similar experiences in other careers.

Finding connection when we are faced with struggle, especially illness, is crucial. It helps us maintain a sense of power over our struggle by letting us know we are not alone. Connection allows us to work through our struggles with the support of others who understand. I am grateful that support groups are a part of my healing process. While each of our journeys is unique, we all face similar challenges. Together we can work through them and live our best lives. 

 

Monday, May 13, 2024

Physical Versus Mental Illness

                  Most of my life has been spent living with mental illness.  I know the ups and downs well.  The loneliness of mental illness is something I have felt intensely.  I have often hidden my mental illness to protect myself from stigma.  The platitudes that are spoken when someone finds out I have depression are seared into my mind.  Living with mental illness has frequently been a solitary battle.  Many times, I have feigned a physical illness to hide my mental illness from people who just don’t understand. 

                  I shouldn’t need to hide my mental illness.  No one should. Unfortunately, the society we live in still doesn’t understand that mental illness is an illness.  I will acknowledge that society has come a long way.  It is easier now than it was 30 years ago.  Still, it is a challenge to live with mental illness.

                  People understand when you have a physical illness.  When you are in bed with the flu, people will text you and tell you to feel better.  People are quick to assist someone in a cast or on crutches.  Sometimes flowers are sent, or a meal is brought to you.  These things usually don’t happen with mental illness. Often, people who know exactly how to empathize with someone who has a physical ailment, lacks the words to say to someone struggling with a mental illness like depression.  

                  I have experienced this discrepancy firsthand.  When I was diagnosed with cancer, I heard from so many people.  People rushed to help me.  People asked what they could do to help me.  Don’t get me wrong. I am very grateful for this.  I just wonder why the reaction was so different from my depression. Cancer and depression are both debilitating illnesses.  They both have left me fighting for my life.  Yet they are treated very differently.  

                  Maybe some of the difference lies in the visibility of the two illnesses.  Both are inside of me, but the cancer has outward signs like my hair loss, my weakness, and the changes to my skin.  Depression’s outward signs can be mistaken for me being quiet.  These two illnesses present themselves differently.  People know that cancer is a killer.  The mere mention of the word scares people.  The ability of depression to kill is often misinterpreted as a choice.  That couldn’t be further from the truth.  As someone who has struggled with suicidal thoughts, I can attest to the lack of choice I have over those thoughts.  

                  People hear that you have cancer, or another physical illness and they want to help.  When people hear that you have a mental illness, they often turn away because they don’t understand.  For us to reach a point where mental illness is treated with as much empathy as physical illness, we need to increase knowledge about mental illness.  In my case, I accept some of the blame.  I am guilty of hiding my mental illness.  I have covered it up by blaming something physical.  That doesn’t help grow understanding.  Over the years, and especially this past year, I have learned that I must be open about my mental illness. There is no reason to hide it.  As I have fought depression and cancer side by side, I have learned that both need attention; both require treatment. I know that both cancer and depression can take my life.  Some people in my life understand that I am battling two illnesses. They have been by my side and supported me in both battles.  My wish is that all people who are struggling with mental illness receive the support and understanding they need.  

                  People send cards and flowers when you have a physical illness.  It is time we normalize sending tokens of encouragement to people living with mental illness just as we would when they are living with physical illness.  For this to happen, people living with mental illness need to be willing to be more open.  They don’t have to share every aspect of their illness. It is enough to just acknowledge it.  I don’t tell people everything about my mental illness just as I don’t tell people everything about my cancer diagnosis, but I do acknowledge both.  Acknowledgement can go a long way towards encouraging support and understanding.  Illness, whether physical or mental, does not need to be battled alone. 

                  If you know someone who is living with illness, whether physical or mental, reach out to them.  Send them a card. Offer to help them with something.  Maybe just sit with them and be present. Ask them how you can support them.  Knowing someone cares will go a long way for someone living with illness. 

                  

 

Monday, February 19, 2024

Struggling with My Illnesses

                 I am having a rough time.  I don’t feel well.  In the past not feeling well physically would not be a problem.  I would have just taken an over-the-counter remedy and moved on with my day.  Now, I can no longer do that.  My head, or rather my anxiety, won’t allow me that luxury.  Cancer changed my world in so many ways.  It has required me to relearn how to live.  I have learned to fight a terrible illness.  Cancer has made me more vulnerable both physically and mentally.  As a result, I have learned to accept help.  I now understand that my life has worth.  Those are just a few of the lessons I have learned on this journey.

                  What hasn’t changed is the control anxiety has over me.  The anxiety has increased in some ways.  The last several days my stomach has been upset and I have been somewhat nauseous.  I also have pain in my abdomen near my liver.  This is the same way I felt right before I was diagnosed with cancer.  So, of course my anxiety has latched onto that fact.  I know Dr. St, my oncologist, who I really do trust, has said the liver pain is not likely to be more tumors.  She examined me just last week.  My bloodwork is good.  She has explained all of this to me.  On an intellectual level, I believe her.  I can understand that she is right.  I know I have a pet scan coming up that will likely confirm what she has already told me.  Still, with every twinge of pain and every second of an upset stomach, my anxiety screams in my head.  It tells me the cancer is spreading.  

                  I find myself trying to believe my doctor. I know she is right, but still, I am anxious. I can reach out to my mental health team, to my oncology team, to my primary care provider and her nurse, to Aunt Holly, and to other family and friends.  The problem is none of them have had cancer.  As well-meaning as they are, they have never experienced what I am going through.  Part of me says that shouldn’t matter, but on some level that I don’t understand, it does matter.  Not only do I have cancer, but I also have depression and anxiety disorders.  Each of these three illnesses is difficult enough on its own.  Combined they are hell.  

The anxiety triggers the depression and vice versa.  Worrying about the cancer triggers both the depression and the anxiety.  Not feeling well physically is picked up by my mind, which jumps in and makes me feel worse.  I hate this. 

                  The nurse practitioner in my oncologist’s office called me last week.  She told me how to handle my upset stomach.  I am trying to follow her directions, but my mind wants immediate results.  That is not going to happen.  As I write this, my mind is questioning why the antacids I took ten minutes ago aren’t working.  Of course, I need to give them time.  I know that, but the anxiety that fills my mind tells me it is not going to work.  

                  The worst part is that I have not yet gone to bed.  That is when my mind loves to attack me.  As I lie in bed, I feel the pain over my liver.  My mind shrieks, “More tumors!”  Even though, Dr. St has assured me that is not the case, my mind’s argument is compelling.  I try to replay Dr. St’s words over and over in mind.  I focus my thoughts on hearing her voice.  Despite my efforts, I struggle.  

                  This is the part of being sick that doesn’t get as much attention.  The mind games. I know it happens to some degree for everyone who has cancer.  My depression and anxiety intensify everything.  I need constant reassurance, which makes me feel guilty.  I feel like I am reaching out for help too often.  I don’t know what else to do.  That reassurance is necessary for me.  I need a lot of reassurance.  It is something I cannot control.  I try to talk myself into being calmer.  I tell myself to focus on what Dr. St said.  It is a battle in my head that I can’t seem to win.

                  I am doing what I need to do to improve my depression and anxiety.  Every day I receive TMS treatment.  I believe it will help, but again, I need to be patient.  Every week I talk to Dr. Klein.  I talk to Stephanie weekly.  I have regular appointment with Dr. S.  My mental health is being addressed.  Depression and anxiety are powerful.  They overtake my mind making it harder to fight the cancer.  

                  I wish I could sit down with someone who has experienced what I am going through and just talk.  I attend an online support group for patients with stage 4 cancer.  It helps, but it is not enough for me at this point in my journey.  I am left with the question, “What can I do?”  Right now, I am not sure I know the answer to that question.  I’ll keep searching for the answer. I’ll try to keep reaching out to my mental health and physical health teams.  I know they are willing to help and that it is okay for me to reach out.  I need to remind myself of that.

Cindi, Dr. St’s nurse navigator understands what I am going through.  I find myself reaching out to her more often.  However, I can’t do that in the middle of the night when my anxiety is at its worst.  I struggle more at night, but the days are not easy.  

                  As for the physical ailments I am experiencing, I will follow the advice I was given.  I will eat soft foods when I can actually eat and take antacids and nausea meds.  For my mental health, I’ll keep going to TMS and trust my team to guide me through all of this.  I know that overall, I am doing fairly well.  It is never going to be easy, but I need to believe it can improve.

 

World Suicide Prevention Day 2025

          September 10 th   is World Suicide Prevention Day. The theme for this year is “Changing the narrative on suicide”. This theme is i...