A Look at Cancer’s Effects

            Things change when you have cancer.  I am at my favorite coffee place. One of the baristas I have known for years didn’t recognize me because I am bald.  I guess without my hair I am unrecognizable.  It is strange how much hair can make a difference in our appearance.

            There are other changes forced upon me by cancer.  Some changes are ones only I notice.  Others are plain to see.  Stamina is one change.  I can no longer walk like I used to.  Before cancer I could walk for an hour.  Now, I can barely make it to corner and back.  I get winded and my legs ache.  I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in a while. I found myself relying on the grocery cart for support.

            I become fatigued so easily.  In the past I was somewhat of a night owl.  Now, I head to bed around 8:00.  I need more sleep.  Eight hours is not enough.  It is strange to need so much sleep when in the past I could get by on four to five hours a night.  Now, I do less and need more sleep.

            There are a lot of changes caused by cancer and chemotherapy that had never occurred to me.  My sense of taste is one.  Most foods have no taste.  Others taste like metal.  Eating is no longer pleasurable.  I eat tasteless foods just because I need to eat.  My doctor says my sense of taste will eventually return.  I hope so.  It seems like such a little thing, but it bothers me.  

            As a result of chemo, I bleed more easily.  Every day my nose bleeds.  It is more annoying than anything.  I am not losing a lot of blood, but it still requires attention.

            My nose is constantly congested.  It drips.  So, I always have a tissue in hand.  The congestion is from the chemo.  I am not sick.  At least not with a cold or the flu.

            My eyes water constantly.  It is distracting.  The watery eyes blur my vision making it difficult to read and write.  I also have little bumps called millia on the rims of my eyelids.  They are irritating.  The gel prescribed to heal the bumps blurs my vision, too.  I never would have imagined that breast cancer would affect my eyes. 

            The skin on my face and arms is discolored from the chemo.  It started as a rash.  The rash was an angry red and raised in spots.  It required medicated cream to reduce the redness.  Now, it is patchy dark brown skin.  I hate looking in the mirror.

            My skin is dry.  I have gone through a lot of body cream and lotion.  It never seems to be enough.  The dry skin makes the dark patches look and feel worse.

            The ache in my upper legs is another effect of the chemo.  It is bad enough that I frequently need to take pain killers.  The ache adds to my difficulty walking.  Even walking on flat ground feels like I am walking uphill.

            Nausea is the most annoying side effect of the chemo.  I hate the feeling.  Not only does the chemo cause nausea, but now my anxiety about the cancer and chemo is causing nausea.  As I transition from chemo into targeted treatment, the nausea is still there.  I can’t seem to escape it.  Nausea is a terrible feeling.

            Chemo and the pain killers I need to take cause constipation.  I won’t get into that.  Suffice it to say it is uncomfortable and even landed me in the emergency room early on. 

             My intent in sharing all these effects of cancer and chemo is not to gain sympathy.  My point is that when you have cancer you deal with a lot that you didn’t even consider.  It is a cruel illness.  Cancer takes away so much.  It changes people.  I haven’t even touched on how it has affected my mood or my perspective on life.  Those are impacted, too, but that is for another post.  In many ways I am a different person than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I have learned to deal with a lot.  It has been a battle.  It is a battle I will continue to fight.

            I am grateful to all who have supported me including my oncology team, my mental health team, my family and friends, my colleagues, and the support group I attend.  Cancer cannot be fought alone.  It requires a team approach.  I would not be doing as well as I am doing if it were not for my support system.  As I continue to battle cancer, I know I cannot give up.  I know I need to trust my team.  Take life moment by moment and dance atop cancer.  That is the only way to live.  

            

            

                                                   New flowers on my hair grave. Sometimes

                                                   we need rituals and symbols to help us 

                                                   through difficult times.   

Battling Two Illnesses: Depression and Cancer

            Battling one illness is tough.  It requires a lot of strength.  What happens when another illness enters the picture? That is what I am facing.  I have battled depression most of my life.  It has not been easy. Stigma makes it even harder because so many people do not believe it is a real illness. Trust me it is a real illness.  It is made even more difficult with the addition of a second illness.  

            Most of 2022 and all of 2023 have been difficult from the perspective of depression.  I have had a huge battle and a lot of treatment.  The depression took everything out of me.  As I was getting better, I was hit with the diagnosis of a serious physical illness.  I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  It shocked me and triggered the depression to strengthen again.  So, now I am fighting both a mental illness and a physical illness.  I am lucky that my mental health team and my oncology team are amazing.  

            So, what does my fight look like.  First, the battle creates noise in my head.  I have become used to the voice of depression.  It brings me down, sees the world through a negative lens.  The voice of depression tells me I want to die.  Cancer’s voice jumps in and tells me I am afraid of dying.  The contradictory thoughts fight.  The cancer questions everything.  “Why do I have cancer?”, “Why does chemo make me so sick?”, “Am I going to die?”, and “Why wasn’t the cancer caught earlier?”  The depression answers back with its negativity.  It is very loud inside my head.  

            Both depression and cancer cause me to cry.  I have fought depression for so long.  At times I fear I do not have the strength to fight cancer, too.  That drags my mood down.  I struggle to fight.

            I have learned that the depression is wrong thanks to my mental health team.  I want to live.  It is weird to have so recently been suicidal and now be fighting to live.  To live I need to fight depression and cancer with all the strength I can muster. 

            When the chemotherapy leaves me too weak to do anything except lie in bed, I think too much.  The depression and the cancer argue.  My head is their battleground.  At times I become numb.  Sometimes I need someone to talk to.  Other times I need to allow my illnesses communicate despite their bickering.  The noise is part of the battle.  I do not like it, but I understand I have to go through this to heal.  

            Some days writing helps.  Writing allows me to process my thoughts. I can have a conversation about my illnesses with the pages of my journal.  Sometimes I share my writing with others.  That sharing is healing for me.

            Depression and cancer each have their own pains and suffering.  Together they add up.  They feed off each other.  When the chemo leaves me nauseous, the depression tells me I am not strong enough to fight.  When I feel weak, the depression reminds me I am battling an illness that can kill me.  When the depression is in control the chemo side effects gain a stronger grip upon me.  Cancer wants to be heard, too. Depression and cancer each have a voice. 

            Living with two illnesses is very difficult.  I do not wish it upon anyone.  I am going to keep fighting.  The depression has been with me close to four decades and I am still fighting.  I plan to fight cancer the same way.  At times I will struggle, but I have an amazing support system surrounding me.  When I get through this, I am going to advocate to build more support systems for others in need.  Having depression and cancer sucks, but I am determined that some good will come out of it. 

            

A Little More Gratitude and a Cancer Poem

            Last week I shared all the people I am grateful for in my life.  Today I want to share a few things I am grateful for and then leave you with a poem I wrote this past weekend.

            First, I am grateful for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  There have been two posts on this blog about TMS.  It has made such a difference in my battle with depression.  I don’t know where I would be without TMS.  It is a treatment that works for me, and I know will be a part of my life.

            I am also grateful for chemotherapy.  How can I not be grateful for something that is keeping me alive?  It may seem a little strange to be thankful for something that makes me feel like crap each week, but it is doing its job.  It is killing my cancer.  As sick as I feel I am grateful that the medical knowledge is available to treat my cancer and that I have a chance to survive.

            Another thing I am grateful for is the ability to write and experience the healing power of writing.  For as long as I can remember, writing has been a part of my life.  I would be interested in knowing how many poems I have written in my life.  Writing is a healing tool.  I am grateful that I can express my thoughts and emotions in writing.  I am grateful that I have this blog to share those thoughts and emotions with all of you.  My books are another source of gratitude for me.  Each one has brought me healing and allowed me to share my story with others.  

            So, I have a lot to be grateful for. Expressing my gratitude has helped me remain positive as I battle depression and cancer.  Don’t be surprised if you see gratitude pop up on my blog again in the future.  

            I also wanted to share a poem with you.  This poem is about the cancer, more specifically fighting cancer.  At times I get down because as much as I try to fight, I often just do not have the energy or stamina.  My body is weak from the fight.  When I start to feel down about needing so much rest, my Aunt Holly reminds me that even when I am resting, I am fighting.  As I thought about it made a lot of sense.  My body is in a fight for its life.  It needs time to heal.  That is what happens when I am resting.  So, even when I am resting, I am fighting.  That is where this poem came from.

 

Cancer Chose Me

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer.

Cancer is ravaging my body.

Leaving me to fight.

At times I am weak, but still I fight.

Battling cancer takes all my strength.

 

Cancer chose me.

Its poison attacking my organs.

I fight back with a different poison, 

A poison meant to kill as it heals.  

My body is a battleground between cancer and chemo.

 

Cancer chose me.

Some days I must rest.

I cannot actively fight every day. 

Learning that it is okay to rest has been difficult,

But it is something I must accept.

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer,

But I chose to fight back.

Meet the cancer head on

And fight for my life.

 

 

            Check back on Thursday.  I will be reflecting on how depression affects my fight. Depression can affect battles with any illness.  I will share my perspective. 

"Cancer Hasn’t Won"

           I wasn’t going to post today.  I have had a few really bad days.  I am just not feeling well.  Saturday was probably the worst day I have had in this cancer fight.  I am so grateful to have my Aunt Holly by my side to get me through this.

Saturday night I started to write a poem titled “Why?”.  It turned into a 3-page stream of consciousness about my fears and feelings.  I am not ready to share that yet.  I am not sure when I will be.  I cried as I wrote.  Sometime later that night, I wrote another poem, titled “Cancer Hasn’t Won”.  I actually don’t remember writing it, but it is in my journal and no one else had access to it.  I shared it with my friend, Sharon. When I told her that I didn’t remember writing it, she immediately said that it was the whisper.  She has mentioned the whisper before.  It is the voice telling me to fight.  A few weeks ago, I posted a poem about that whisper, “Whispers Above the Water”.  Sharon encouraged me to post “Cancer Hasn’t Won” today.  So, here it is.  Hopefully, on Thursday I will feel better and can write a longer post.

 

Cancer Hasn’t Won

 

Cancer hasn’t won,

Though I am feeling beaten.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Despite how drained I am.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Even though I feel like quitting.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Despite knocking me on my back.

Cancer hasn’t won.

I haven’t given up the fight.

Cancer hasn’t won.

There is a bit of strength left inside of me.

Cancer hasn’t won,

With my last bit of strength, I rise,

And show cancer it hasn’t won yet.

 

Dancing the Down Days Away

            It has been a rough week for me.  I was grateful to have a guest post earlier this week.  If you missed the post on TMS, “Renewed and Recharged” by Stephanie Debnath, please check it out.  

            Today’s post will be a poem because I am not up to writing a longer post.  The poem was inspired by a conversation with the nurse navigator, C, yesterday at chemo treatment.  She was telling me how down days are okay and are part of the battle with cancer.  I sensed she really understood what I was going through.  They were not just “feel good” words.  She has been in that same chemo chair and understands.  That makes a huge difference. Since the beginning she has been doing little dances to encourage me.  The dances let me know that I can get better and mean so much to me.  So, here is a poem for C.

 

Dancing the Down Days Away

 

Down days are a part of life.

Hope seems bleak.

My mood fades into darkness.

Down days are going to happen.

This is one thing I know.

On these days I must search for the rays of light.

Find the little dance that is inside of me.

I see the dance in others who have known down days.

Their dance brings a smile to my face,

Reminds me not all days are down.

So, I will do my best to dance on the down days,

Even if my rhythm is off and

I don’t hear the music.

My dance becomes one with countless others

Who have known these down days.

Together our steps allow us to see the light.

Dancing on the down days

Asserting hope among the darkness.

Dance, dance

Dance away the down days.

 

 

Cancer’s Foe

            I am not feeling well today.  It has been a difficult few days.  So, I will let this poem I wrote last week during chemo treatment speak for me.  It is about chemo and how it is at war for me.  Chemo is my best chance at living.  I trust that it is doing its intended job even as it makes me feel like crap.  

            Hopefully, I’ll feel better by Thursday and will write a longer post.

 

 

Cancer’s Foe

 

A needle pierces my skin,

Making way for the tubes that will

 Carry a healing poison into my body.

Killer cancer cells have made a home inside my body.

The healing poison dripping into me is cancer’s foe.

Attempting to kill the cancer before it can kill me.

 

Cancer’s foe weakens me,

Makes me sick.

Despite the toll it takes on me,

I am ready to fight.

Cancer’s foe leads the attack.

I do my part.

Allow my doctor to guide me.

She orders cancer’s foe to go on the offensive.

 

The battle is in full motion.

At times I am weakened.

I need help to keep up the fight.

I have battle scars,

The side effects of cancer’s foe.

 

Cancer thought I was an easy target,

Thought it could take away my life, 

But it did not count on cancer’s foe.

Cancer underestimated my will to live.  

It didn’t know my doctor had a weapon.  

 

Cancer’s foe leads my fight.

I may not win all the battles,

But I will win the war.