A Look at Cancer’s Effects

            Things change when you have cancer.  I am at my favorite coffee place. One of the baristas I have known for years didn’t recognize me because I am bald.  I guess without my hair I am unrecognizable.  It is strange how much hair can make a difference in our appearance.

            There are other changes forced upon me by cancer.  Some changes are ones only I notice.  Others are plain to see.  Stamina is one change.  I can no longer walk like I used to.  Before cancer I could walk for an hour.  Now, I can barely make it to corner and back.  I get winded and my legs ache.  I went to the grocery store yesterday for the first time in a while. I found myself relying on the grocery cart for support.

            I become fatigued so easily.  In the past I was somewhat of a night owl.  Now, I head to bed around 8:00.  I need more sleep.  Eight hours is not enough.  It is strange to need so much sleep when in the past I could get by on four to five hours a night.  Now, I do less and need more sleep.

            There are a lot of changes caused by cancer and chemotherapy that had never occurred to me.  My sense of taste is one.  Most foods have no taste.  Others taste like metal.  Eating is no longer pleasurable.  I eat tasteless foods just because I need to eat.  My doctor says my sense of taste will eventually return.  I hope so.  It seems like such a little thing, but it bothers me.  

            As a result of chemo, I bleed more easily.  Every day my nose bleeds.  It is more annoying than anything.  I am not losing a lot of blood, but it still requires attention.

            My nose is constantly congested.  It drips.  So, I always have a tissue in hand.  The congestion is from the chemo.  I am not sick.  At least not with a cold or the flu.

            My eyes water constantly.  It is distracting.  The watery eyes blur my vision making it difficult to read and write.  I also have little bumps called millia on the rims of my eyelids.  They are irritating.  The gel prescribed to heal the bumps blurs my vision, too.  I never would have imagined that breast cancer would affect my eyes. 

            The skin on my face and arms is discolored from the chemo.  It started as a rash.  The rash was an angry red and raised in spots.  It required medicated cream to reduce the redness.  Now, it is patchy dark brown skin.  I hate looking in the mirror.

            My skin is dry.  I have gone through a lot of body cream and lotion.  It never seems to be enough.  The dry skin makes the dark patches look and feel worse.

            The ache in my upper legs is another effect of the chemo.  It is bad enough that I frequently need to take pain killers.  The ache adds to my difficulty walking.  Even walking on flat ground feels like I am walking uphill.

            Nausea is the most annoying side effect of the chemo.  I hate the feeling.  Not only does the chemo cause nausea, but now my anxiety about the cancer and chemo is causing nausea.  As I transition from chemo into targeted treatment, the nausea is still there.  I can’t seem to escape it.  Nausea is a terrible feeling.

            Chemo and the pain killers I need to take cause constipation.  I won’t get into that.  Suffice it to say it is uncomfortable and even landed me in the emergency room early on. 

             My intent in sharing all these effects of cancer and chemo is not to gain sympathy.  My point is that when you have cancer you deal with a lot that you didn’t even consider.  It is a cruel illness.  Cancer takes away so much.  It changes people.  I haven’t even touched on how it has affected my mood or my perspective on life.  Those are impacted, too, but that is for another post.  In many ways I am a different person than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I have learned to deal with a lot.  It has been a battle.  It is a battle I will continue to fight.

            I am grateful to all who have supported me including my oncology team, my mental health team, my family and friends, my colleagues, and the support group I attend.  Cancer cannot be fought alone.  It requires a team approach.  I would not be doing as well as I am doing if it were not for my support system.  As I continue to battle cancer, I know I cannot give up.  I know I need to trust my team.  Take life moment by moment and dance atop cancer.  That is the only way to live.  

            

            

                                                   New flowers on my hair grave. Sometimes

                                                   we need rituals and symbols to help us 

                                                   through difficult times.   

Side Effects and Needing Help

            My plan was to just post a poem today, but there is something on my mind.  So, I think I’ll save the poem for next week.  The last few days have been difficult.  I knew the side effects of the chemotherapy were going to be an issue. The first few treatments were not too bad.  Significant fatigue and constipation were the main side effects.  As I’ve had more treatments, the side effects have increased.  My understanding is that is expected.  The fatigue is rough.  It’s more than just being tired.  I feel completely drained.  I am more tired than I have ever been.  I want to sleep, but at times I am too tired, and my mind is too busy to allow me to sleep. The constipation is ongoing and an annoying problem.  The last two treatments have resulted in nausea.  It’s not too bad, I guess.  It could be worse.  I’m coping with it.  The anti-nausea meds help.  My appetite is decreasing.  I think I’ve lost a couple more pounds this week.  Yesterday, I had some bleeding from my nose.  It was minor, but it rattled me.  I also have pain over my liver from the tumors.  All these side effects add up.

            I’m trying to maintain a positive attitude about it.  Side effects mean the chemo is doing something.  Hopefully, that something is killing cancer.  Side effects are part of the fight.  It is hard to deal with the side effects, but I believe I can.  One thing that makes it more difficult to deal with the side effects is the fact that I am finding I can’t do it alone.  I thought I could handle taking care of myself for a few days on my own.  It turns out I need more help than I realized.  I have always taken care of myself.  It is not easy to admit that I need help.  I’m used to doing things for myself, but now there is so much I need support with.  This triggers my depression, which in turn gets my mind busy.  I’m lucky that I have help.  I have family and friends who are willing to support me in this battle.  Even though it is difficult, I need to get used to accepting that support.  The support is there for me, and I need to accept it so that I can win this battle.

I have a coaching background.  Sport can be a metaphor for a lot of things in life.  The other day I shared a quote from Coach Jimmy Valvano’s speech.  Today I think I will expand on how sport relates to my battle with cancer. The two greatest mentors in my life are Pam and Carol, my college basketball coaches.  I learned a lot from them.  One of the things I learned was a work ethic.  I learned that in order for the body to perform at its peak level a player has to put in the effort.  I think the same can apply to the fight against cancer.  In sport you have to practice.  Pam and Carol taught me how to plan practices to gain peak performance from athletes.  In that same way I need to plan my fight against cancer and the side effects of my treatment.  Planning that practice means knowing what medications to take to ease the side effects.  It means knowing what my body needs to perform at its best in this fight.  I need rest. I need to eat even when the thought of food makes me feel sick.  It means finding ways to get my body the movement opportunities it needs, even if that is just a 10-minute walk. 

Pam and Carol also taught me the importance of teamwork.  No individual achieves their best alone.  We need a team. Thus, teamwork leads to winning in sport and in the battle against cancer.  It is this area that I need to work on.  I need to accept that I need a team alongside of me to fight the cancer.  It is just like a basketball player needs teammates.  I can’t do it all on my own.  Some of my greatest memories from my coaching career are the moments when teammates united for a common goal.  One of the best teams I ever had only won one game, but they were a true team and supported each other.

Last night as I was lying in bed feeling like crap, I knew I couldn’t go it alone anymore.  I needed to return to my aunt’s house, where she could help me deal with the side effects.  I needed my teammate.  I need to text with family and friends.  They are my team and help me cope with all I am going through.  I need my psych team and my primary care to help me through this.  I have a rather large team.  I just need to remind myself that I it is okay to rely on my team. I can’t do this alone.

Pam and Carol taught me so much more than sport.  Three decades after I was in the gym with them, I am applying what they taught me to the biggest fight of my life.  Carol is gone now.  Cancer took her away to soon.  Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her.  Since my diagnosis, I “hear” her whisper to me.  She is telling me to fight like hell.  Just like she encouraged me when I was young, she is with me now.  Pam is still there, too.  I smile every time my phone rings and it is a call or text from Pam.  She encourages me and gives me courage to fight.  Sometimes we just talk basketball.  It’s WNBA playoff time so we have lots to discuss.  Other times she encourages me the way she has for the past 30 plus years.  I am blessed to have these two women as mentors.  They are a part of my team.  Cancer picked the wrong team to mess with.  Side effects, watch out.  Cancer, watch out.  My team and I are fighting together.