If My Mental Health Has Made Me a Bad Friend…

                  Often, I wonder how my mental health affects others. I am aware of how it affects me and the difficulties my mental health struggles cause me. One area that I think it affects at times is my relationships with others. I do not always know the extent to which it affects others, but I do see the worried looks and I sense others thinking I am going to cancel plans again. 

                  I know my mental health struggles can cause others to worry, particularly those who are closer to me and know about my battles with suicidal ideation. When I go silent, they might wonder what I am thinking or worry that I am about to hurt myself. I realize this is putting an unfair burden on them. I wish there were not times when I go silent or shut down. Unfortunately, that is a part of mental illness for me. When my depression is bad, I retreat into myself. I shut down and shut others out. I have been doing that for years. It is not something I intend to do. I do not mean to push loved ones and friends away, but my depression forces me to push others away. It causes me to isolate. When I am depressed to this point, I do not want others to witness the pain I am feeling. While it may seem that I am pushing people away, I am really trying to protect them. I do not want them to experience me at my worst. 

                  Part of the reason I push others away when I am struggling is that it is difficult to explain what I am going through. How do I tell a friend that my brain is telling me that I would be better off dead? How do I tell a loved one that my brain is telling me that I do not have any reasons to live? Those are hurtful things to tell another person, especially someone I care about. So even though it appears that I am being a bad friend and pushing people away, I am really trying to protect my friends and loved ones. If my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I do not mean for it to make me a bad friend.  

                  I wish my mental health did not get in the way of relationships, but it has been doing that most of my life. I have avoided potential relationships because I fear I will just end up hurting others. I spend a lot of time alone because pushing others away has become an automatic response for me. Often, I cannot even control it. Sometimes it just happens. When I sense my depression worsening, I close myself off to others. My walls go up and I hide in the darkness. 

                  Having a conversation about this with friends is difficult. It is actually much easier for me to sit here and write this than it is to speak about it. I have also pushed enough people away that I am afraid I will push the remaining few away, too.

                  My mood can also make me difficult to be around. Who wants to be around someone who is struggling with mental health? The darkness that surrounds me can be felt by others. My mood makes it difficult for me to enjoy interactions, which makes it hard to have fun with others. Oftentimes my depression causes me to be quiet and not engage. That can be hard on friendships. People do not want to be around someone who cannot engage. Believe me, I wish I could be different in these moments. I wish that depression did not take over. I am getting treatment, and I am doing better, but with some friends and loved ones, it is too late. The me they know is the depressed me, the me they do not want to be around. There will always be the thought that I will be that me again. So, they distance themselves. I cannot blame them. I just wish they knew that the me they are distancing themselves from is not the me I wish to be.

                  Depression impacts all areas of life. It can tear apart relationships. It can destroy a person’s ability to interact socially. I have experienced this firsthand. If there was a way, I could erase the damage my depression has caused, I would do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, there is no magic eraser. Depression has done its damage. Treatment will help me feel better, but it cannot undo the harm it has caused to some relationships. For my part, I guess I can only try to move forward. I can hope that the relationships I do have will become stronger and that I will make new relationships. I can hope that those whom I have pushed away, may someday find a way to forgive me for the damage my depression has caused.

                  My mental health is what it is. I live with this illness. That is what depression is for me. It is an illness. Not everyone is going to understand that. Even if they do, they may not be able to cope with it. I understand that. So, if my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I am trying to be better. I am trying to get healthier. Maybe one day, I will be able to interact with others without depression whispering in my ear. Until then, I hope my friends and loved ones understand. 

The Importance of Relationships in Mental and Physical Illness

            For most of my life quality relationships have eluded me.  The depression kept my relationship on a surface level.  I don’t think I have ever had a deep relationship.  Most of that is my fault.  I resisted having relationships out of fear that my depression would get in the way.  I didn’t want to bring the darkness of depression into someone else’s life.  It is one of my regrets in life. Unfortunately, it is a part of mental illness. Many of us experience difficulty with relationships.  Many of us hide from those who could support us.  

            Now that I have a physical illness, breast cancer, and I am experiencing the importance of relationships.  It makes me realize all that I have missed because of my depression.  So, I would like to explore the importance of relationships in dealing with any illness. 

            I always thought I was alone.  I battled depression alone except for my mental health team.  Dr. K, Dr. S, and S have been by my side.  Even though it is their job they have always supported me. I know how important that is.  It makes a difference.  Unfortunately, as valuable as it is to have them it is not enough.  They are the only ones who really understand what I was going through.  They are the only ones I can explain things to and not feel like a fool.  They are still with me as cancer has been added to my battle.  I know they are on the journey with me for the long haul and I appreciate that immensely.  

            Cancer has brought others to my journey.  It is overwhelming, in a good way, how many people are supporting me.  Relationships I didn’t realize I had have emerged as stronger than I could have imagined. People are offering to help.  People ask how I am doing, make sure I have everything I need.  Cancer is a different illness than depression.  People are more familiar with seriousness and deadliness of cancer in a way they are not about depression.  I am grateful to have the support and the emerging relationships. Let me share a bit about some of them.  I won’t be able to mention everyone.  This post would go on too long and I’d lose your interest, but I want to highlight a few.

            I think relationships come in different types.  There are familial relationships, friendships, acquaintances, and care providers.  I have experienced a growth in all four.  

            I’ll start with family.  My mother, K, has been supportive while battling her own cancer and other illnesses.  She lives a couple hours away and is not able to visit, but she checks on me every day.  Whenever I mention a problem, something arrives from Amazon the next day to help.  My hair being on everything was driving me nuts.  I told her and the next day lint brushes were at my doorstep.

            My Aunt Holly, who you met in my hair funeral post, has been by my side through all the medical appointments and has taken care of me after treatments.  She has been wonderful.  She is such a caring person and an amazing resource.  I am so grateful to have her fighting with me.

            My cousin, S, has helped me with all the insurance battles and other technical aspects like my advanced directive.  She has been there to love me and let me know that I am loved.  We’ve walked on the beach, which was peaceful.  My cousin, N, checks on me via text several times a week.  I am grateful for his messages. 

            My brother, T, has stepped forward in a way I didn’t expect.  I didn’t know where I stood with him.  I don’t think we’ve ever been close.  He has a family and a life to live, but he has been very supportive and caring.  He was there when I received the diagnosis.  I wasn’t expecting him until later that morning, but when I walked out of my primary’s office, he was waiting in the parking lot.  That meant a lot.  Last week when I told him I was struggling with the hair loss, he took off his baseball hat and gave it to me.  I had to fight back tears.  It was a welcomed gestured.

            My aunt, C, came down from the Sacramento area to stay with me and help me.  I was grateful for her presence.  She did a lot for me. It’s hard to need so much help, but I know I need it right now.  She plans on coming back.  That is comforting to know. 

            Friends have been wonderful.  I have too many to mention all of them here. I appreciate S sharing her own experiences with cancer with me.  She is someone I can just talked to openly about the cancer.  I rely on that.  Sh and C have supported me with visits and help with necessities.  M and J check on me.  M is leading the way with updating colleagues from the school I just left.  Those colleagues have been great.  Many have reached out.  M is organizing a way for them to help me.  I am grateful for this.  I thought I was just another teacher, but my colleagues care about me.  I cherish their care. 

            SR keeps me going with her messages and inspiration.  I miss hanging out with her and listening to music.  

            P is my rock.  Talking to her makes me feel more positive in this battle.  I know it must be difficult for her to see me going through this after losing C to cancer.  Yet, she is supporting me and knows just what to say to make me feel better. 

            People I went to elementary school and high school have reached out.  It’s amazing that people from so long ago are reaching out.  Social media allows those types of relationships to exist.  It lets me know that people care about me even if we haven’t seen each other in decades.

            Relationships with medical providers is also an important aspect of the battle with illness.  They play a crucial role and how a person relates to them is important.  I’ve already mentioned my psych team.  My primary care, C, has been great.  When the signs of a problem first emerged, she didn’t hesitate to act.  She made sure she was the one who gave me the diagnosis.  That was vitally important to me.  I couldn’t have handled hearing it from someone else.  Her support has been important.  She is there for me when I need her.  I think that is what a primary care provider is supposed to do.  They need to understand their patients and be the conduit to other providers.  C has been that and more.  Her nurse, H, has been immensely supportive.  I am grateful to her for being supportive and making sure I have access to everything I need.

            I had to fight to get care at the facility I am at now.  I am so grateful that I fought.  My oncologist, Dr. St, is amazing.  She is understanding and supportive.  She explains everything clearly and doesn’t mind repeating when I don’t comprehend.  Being in her care is going to make a difference because she understands that the relationship is just as important as the treatment she provides.  Her nurse, C, is someone I feel really connected to.  She makes me smile and she understands firsthand what I am going through.  Her little dances remind me that I can beat this cancer.  The whole staff in Dr. St’s office provides relationship-based care.  They make me feel safe and provide top-notch care.

            A couple people have even shared their cancer stories in the comments on this blog.  Those made me realize I am not alone.  Thank you for sharing.  

            I share these relationships to remind readers that there are more relationships in our lives than we realize.  People do care.  It took a serious illness for me to realize it.  I wish I had made this realization without cancer.  Unfortunately, cancer is the hand I’ve been dealt.  With the relationships that have emerged in my life, I am going to be able to fight.  I am not alone.  There is no way I can fight cancer alone.  It is scary and overwhelming.  I need the relationships to help me battle.  Thank you to all who are by my side.  You are appreciated more than you know.

            Check back next week.  I intend to write about some of the issues I see in the health care system and offer my thoughts on what can be done. 

 

A Funeral for My Hair

            Cancer is changing the way I look at things.  It has taken a lot from me already.  At the same time, it has given me a few things, like a new perspective on life. This new perspective is affecting how I look at some of the losses.  My hair is one example.  Before my cancer diagnosis I had long, curly hair that often drove me nuts because I’ve never had the patience to style it.  Now, I’ve lost that hair.  My initial reaction was shock and sadness. I wasn’t expecting to lose my hair so quickly.  I’m balding in spots and have short wisps in other spots.  A glance in the mirror screams, “I have cancer!”

            Last Thursday some of the wisps became matted.  I told my Aunt Holly that I couldn’t stand seeing it or feeling it. So, she gently cut it off for me.  We were about to throw it away when Aunt Holly asked if I wanted to have a funeral for my hair.  My initial reaction was no.  I didn’t want to deal with anything.  A moment later the hair funeral struck me as a good idea.  Why not? What have I got to lose? The hair is not coming back. Why not say goodbye to it?

            Aunt Holly found a fancy box.  She put the wad of my hair in it and adorned it with a pretty bow.  We went out in her yard and found a rock to use as a headstone.  For an epitaph I wrote, “Here lies Gina’s hair. F*** cancer! 9/7/23.”

            We found a spot in her garden. Aunt Holly dug a hole.  She placed the box with my hair in the hole along with some flowers.  She covered the hole, and we placed the headstone over it.  Now, a funeral needs music.  So, I played “Come Sail Away” by Styx.  We stood silently and listened and listened as the song “carried away” my hair.  

            My hair funeral was cathartic. I felt a release of the sense of loss that had been building up inside of me.  There was a sense of peace.  I knew my hair was just an object, a piece of me, but not the whole of me.  Its loss is just part of the healing process. The chemo caused my hair to fall out, but it is that same poison that is killing the cancer.  I must take the bad with the good.  Maybe my hair will grow back.  Maybe it won’t and I’ll just have to go with a new style.  I’m trying to be optimistic about it.  I can’t change it.  I can fight the cancer.  Losing my hair is part of the fight.  

            I am grateful to my Aunt Holly.  She helped me gain a different perspective on my loss.  I need to try to face things with a sense of humor and a sense of acceptance.  Having a funeral for my hair provided both.  Having my aunt by my side while at the funeral helped.  I know I am not fighting alone.  In fact, relationships have emerged as an important part of my battle against cancer.  Relationships with family, friends, doctors, and medical staff are all important aspects of my battle to heal.   My next post will address the importance of relationships.  Check back in a few days.  I will post after my next round of chemo in a couple days as long as I am feeling up to it.  As I mentioned before, I am not giving up on this blog.