Men’s Mental Health Month

                  June 1994 was established as Men’s Mental Health Month in the United States. The purpose was to raise awareness about mental health issues affecting men as well as to encourage open discussions about mental well-being. Organizations involved in Men’s Mental Health Month promote access to resources, support, and open conversations. 

                  Men’s Mental Health Month is especially important due to concerns about high rates of suicide among men, untreated depression and anxiety in men, substance abuse and addiction, and the reluctance of men to seek help due to stigma, cultural norms, and lack of access. Each one of these increasing rates is cause for concern on their own. Combined they show a serious need to address mental health in men.

                  The stigma surrounding mental health in men starts when they are just boys. Too often boys are discouraged from showing their emotions. They often hear that “boys don’t cry.” This statement is so damaging. It discourages boys from showing emotions, especially difficult or painful emotions. 

                  Boys and men frequently hear the phrase “man up”. This is another damaging idea taught to boys. They are taught that men don’t show their emotions. Again, this is damaging and can lead to mental health issues later in life.

Boys who grow up afraid to show their emotions become men who do not know how express their emotions in a healthy way.  Often these boys learn to deny, ignore, or bury their emotions, especially emotions like sadness, fear, or vulnerability. This can lead them to become disconnected from their own feelings. They may also be unable to name or express their emotions. When emotions are repressed in this way, it often results in numbness or outbursts. When sadness, shame, or fear are repressed, they may resurface as aggression, irritability, or violence toward themselves or others. 

When boys are taught to suppress their emotions, they do not develop the skills to understand or regulate those emotions. This can lead to a lack of ability to emphasize deeply with others. 

Boys and men need permission and encouragement to feel all emotions, even emotions that they have traditionally been taught to repress. They need role models who demonstrate that strength includes vulnerability. (See my last post "Being Vulnerable" for a discussion on vulnerability.) Boys and men also need safe environments in which they can express emotions without judgement. Another important thing to provide boys and men with is access to mental health education and support from a young age.

As you can see there is a definite need for Men’s Mental Health Month. Since the needs for mental health education and support are developed early and boys often are faced with stigma in comments such as “Boys don’t cry” or “Man up”, perhaps we should call it Men’s and Boys’ Mental Health Month. Both men and boys need to have access to help.

Let’s take a moment to understand the goals of Men’ Mental Health Month. One is to break the stigma around talking about emotions and mental struggles. A second goal is to encourage men to seek help when they experience mental distress. Promoting preventative care is another goal of Men’s Mental Health Month. A fourth goal, which is similar to the promoting preventative care is educating communities about the signs of mental health issues in boys and men. As someone who has spent close to three decades in education, I believe we need to do more in the school system. I think there should be a mandatory mental health class at both the later elementary and high school levels. In addition to this, mental health lessons should be part of the middle school health curriculum. It is not enough to teach it once. Our young people need to learn about mental health often. Another goal of Men’s Mental Health Month is to support marginalized groups, such as BIPOC men, LGBTQ+ individuals, and veterans. These groups might face additional barriers to mental health care and need the additional support. 

While June is a month dedicated to men’s mental health, we need to be focused on the mental health needs of men all year long. Mental health needs of all people need to be addressed year-round. When we dedicate a month to something like men’s mental health, the purpose is to draw increased attention. The focus of this month should shift into our everyday lives. It should be a part of overall mental health advocacy. 

Everyone should feel safe expressing their emotions. It is okay to cry, no matter who you are. It is okay to seek help. It is okay to be vulnerable. Emotions are a part of who we are. We need to give our emotions an outlet. Don’t stifle your emotions or force someone else to repress theirs. These are important steps to ending the stigma surrounding mental health in men and in everyone. 

 

Stigmatizing Words

                   I remember hearing the old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” as a kid. As I reflect on it, this saying could not be further from the truth. Words do hurt. As a person with a mental illness, it hurts when I hear references to mental illness used as adjectives, slang, or derogatory statements. These words should not be used in this manner. 

                  I think I’ve written about this before, but it is worth repeating. I am not crazy because I have a mental illness. Depression is real. It is not something to be taken lightly. I struggle with my illness at times. It hurts to hear people use illnesses like mine so casually. 

For example, no one should be saying that they are depressed that their football team lost this weekend. A person can be sad or disappointed that their team lost, but depressed is not the word to use. Depression hurts. Depression is combination of symptoms that go much deeper than losing a sporting event. I was a basketball coach. Believe me, I was never depressed over a loss. Was I disappointed over losses? More times than I’d like to remember, but I was never depressed over a loss. 

                  Mental illnesses are comprised of much more than people think. For example, anxiety is much more than being nervous. For me, anxiety is a combination of mental and physical symptoms. When I am anxious my mind is filled with thoughts that just won’t stop. My chest hurts. I shake. I feel like everything is closing in on me. It is an intense feeling. Anxiety is not a casual nervousness. As such, it should not be used to describe how you feel in the closing moments of a sporting event. A person can feel anxiety without having an anxiety disorder, but it is still an intense feeling.

                  Another mental illness that is all too frequently used as an adjective is OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). A person is not OCD. A person does not have OCD just because they like things clean. How often do we hear it used that way? Too often. People with OCD have crippling thoughts. They have rituals that they need to engage in to feel okay. This term should never be used as an adjective for neatness.

                  What about the word “crazy”? This word is tossed around without thought. A person with a mental illness is not crazy and should never be described as such. A word I’ve heard used frequently is delusional. Again, this is not a word that should be tossed around. A delusion is a psychological term. It is not a way to describe a person who is speaking in a way you do not like. People who suffer from delusions do not chose to have the delusions. It is a symptom of their illness. We should not be using the word casually. 

                  In all honesty, I think society is getting a little better at being aware of how these terms are being used. Unfortunately, getting a little better is not enough. Mental illness is real. Mental illness is an illness. That means depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and more are all illnesses. We should be sensitive in how we talk about these illnesses. 

                  I have both a mental and a physical illness. My physical illness has never been the butt of jokes or used as an adjective. My mental illness has. It hurts. When I hear these words tossed around negatively, it makes me want to hide my mental illness. I feel a sense of embarrassment. I shouldn’t have to feel that way. It leaves me asking myself why my mental illness is treated so differently from my physical illness.

                  One of the major impacts of using mental health terms negatively is that it creates a stigma that prevents many people from getting treatment. There are many people who don’t reach out for help because of a fear of being ridiculed. That shouldn’t be happening today. There is a lot of knowledge out there about mental illnesses. They should be taken seriously and not used as sources of ridicule. Stigma hurts. Stigma prevents treatment. Stigma leads to a worsening of mental illness. Ending stigma starts with the words we chose. It starts with how we chose to speak about these illnesses. It is not easy, but I have learned to speak up when I hear a mental illness being used incorrectly. It is hard and people often just don’t get it. I am going to keep speaking up. I hope others will join me. 

                  

Reaching Out for Help

                  So many people with depression or other mental illness live in the darkness unable to reach out for help. For most of my life that was me. I didn’t reach out because I didn’t know I could. I feared being ridiculed. I thought I would be unheard. These fears are a reality when you live with mental illness. I have faced stigma from family, friends, in the workplace, and in the healthcare setting. 

Perhaps the worst was when I was ridiculed by a physician’s assistant because of my mental health. I wrote about that in a previous post (https://depressionbentnotbroken.blogspot.com/2024/01/turning-hurtful-words-into-healing.html ). Fear of stigma and ridicule and the lack of understanding of mental illness make it difficult for people who are suffering to reach out. It shouldn’t be that way.

We need to create an atmosphere where it is okay to say, “I need help,” or “I am struggling.” We have come a long way. Back when my depression started in the late 1980s, I couldn’t reach out for help. There was no understanding. Today, society is more understanding, but we still have a long way to go. 

My intent in this post is to encourage anyone who is living with mental illness to reach out when they need support. Is that hard to do? Yes. Is reaching out worth it? Definitely. Reaching out means taking a risk. It is hard to know where to start. Who do you trust? How do you know who can provide the help and support you need? Those are individual questions, but I think there are some commonalities that we can rely on. In most cases, if the depression or other mental illness has never been addressed, I would recommend starting with your primary care provider. Most are going to be responsive. I believe the primary care provider who hurt me is an exception. Today most primary care providers understand they have a role in mental health. Let this provider refer you to psychological care. 

You can also contact organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) To find your local chapter click here: https://www.nami.org/. They provide resources and have groups that can make a difference. There is also the 988 helpline. They can connect you to resources and provide assistance in mental health emergencies.

What if you are already diagnosed and you have mental health support? Reaching out for help can still be difficult at times. You may feel like you must wait for your next appointment to get support. Maybe you are having difficulty expressing what you are going through. It is okay to reach out to your mental health provider when you are struggling. It is normal to feel like maybe you should handle it on your own or to think you are taking up their time. However, most mental health providers would rather you reach out than struggle in silence. There are times when you need help. Be honest with yourself. There is no shame in not being able to handle mental illness alone all the time. Sure, there are moments when we might have to push through on our own, but that doesn’t mean we can’t reach out. One thing that helps is to have a safety plan. For more on safety plans, check out my article on the NAMI Glendale website (https://namiglendale.org/how-a-safety-plan-can-ease-a-mental-health-crisis/).

Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a necessary part of life when you live with mental illness. These illnesses can be overwhelming at times. We can’t expect to be able to handle it on our own all the time. All illnesses require care. Mental illness is no different. Stigma can make it hard, but reaching out can make a difference in our lives. 

I think if we asked our family and friends, they would rather us reach out to them when we are struggling than speak at our funerals. That may sound extreme, but in many cases, it is reality. As hard as it can be at times, I encourage people to reach out when the darkness of mental illness is heavy. Know that it takes courage to reach out, but that courage is in you. Even though it is not easy, reaching out is worth it. 

Men Suffer from Depression, Too

                  June is Men’s Mental Health Month. I thought I would attempt to bring awareness to the fact that men suffer from depression, too. Stigma is hard for everyone living with depression. I think there are societal ideals that add to that stigma for men. Obviously, I can’t speak from experience in this area, but I can speak from a place of empathy.

                  Men get depressed. Men have emotions. How many of us grew up hearing boys being told that boys don’t cry or heard a boy told to man up? I can only imagine the pain and confusion that caused for the boys. Why were they being told to hide their emotions? Why didn’t their emotions matter? These boys grew up with those messages in their head. It makes sense that given those messages, acknowledging depression would be difficult for them.

                  Men need to know that they can reach out for help when they are living with depression. They don’t have to be strong all the time. Their emotions are legitimate. Men deserve and are entitled to mental health care. It can make a difference in their lives.

                  According to the National Institute of Mental Health 18.1% of males live with some form of mental illness. That number is significant and warrants addressing. Studies show that men are less likely to get help for a mental illness such as depression. We need do something to encourage men to get the help they need. This starts with reducing the stigma. We need to tear down the stereotype of the always strong, emotionless male. We all have emotions, male or female. Breaking down the stigma can begin by creating open spaces for people to express themselves. This can start by checking in on each other. Check in on your male friends and family members. When you do this make sure you really listen to their answers. Ask them questions. Encourage them to share rather than “man up”. 

                  Depression looks different in everyone. The man that is consumed with his work or the man that is taking risks in his social life, may be masking depression. You won’t know unless you sincerely ask, “How are you doing?” Give your make friends and family members space to share what they are feeling. 

                  It is also important that we ensure that boys know that it is okay to have feelings. It is okay to cry. There is no shame in shedding tears. Boys who are allowed to share their emotions will grow into men who can do the same.  

                  Mental healthcare is necessary for all people. Depression or other mental illnesses are not signs of weakness. They are illnesses that require treatment. Men deserve mental health treatment just like anyone else. So, let’s make a concerted effort to break down the stigma surrounding men’s mental health. 

 

Expecting People with Depression to Act as If They Didn’t Have Depression

                 Depression is often misunderstood. Many people don’t understand it is an illness. They don’t understand how real depression is. There is a misconception that people can turn off depression. This has never made sense to me. I can’t turn my depression off like a faucet. Depression is an illness. 

                  For most of my life I have functioned with depression. I earned two degrees while depressed. I spent 26+ years as a special education teacher while living with depression. I hid my illness fairly well. People expected me to just keep doing what I was doing. Even people who knew about my depression expected me to be there every day. Most days I was there functioning as best as I could. I played the role of teacher while in my head darkness swirled. Many people do what I did. We work despite our depression.

Depression is one of those illnesses that you can’t let others know is affecting you. Stigma made it hard to admit that depression was impacting my ability to work. Several years ago, when I took a leave of absence to address my mental health, no one knew that I was depressed. No one asked.  In late 2022 my mental health forced me into another leave of absence. Again, I did not let on it was depression because I feared my boss would ridicule me and that my colleagues wouldn’t understand. Teachers are expected to teach. We are expected to be there every day. Even taking one day off is difficult because we need to plan everything for the substitute. I was going to be out for an extended period and did not have the ability to plan everything to keep my classroom running without me. I felt guilty that I couldn’t do my part and that no one knew why. 

When you are depressed people expect you to smile and get through it. I’ve been told, “You have so much to be happy about. How can you be depressed?” The people saying these things don’t understand that depression is an illness. This fact has hit me harder now that I am also living with a physical illness, cancer. No one has told me to “Smile and push through the cancer.” Mental and physical illnesses are perceived differently. When cancer forced me to take a leave of absence, no one expected me to do anything for work.  I didn’t have to hide my illness. Even now as I live with both illnesses, the cancer is the one most people ask about.

No one outside of my mental health team asks how I’m coping with my depression as I fight cancer. A couple people in my inner circle have checked in on my depression, but in general people act as if my depression went away when I was diagnosed with cancer. The depression has definitely not gone away. If anything, it has become more difficult. I understand. Cancer is something people know about. It is something people can often see. Depression is something that people can’t see. That makes it harder to recognize.

When someone finds out I have depression, I’ll get responses like, “try yoga” or “you need to smile more.”  I’ve heard things like “my friend stopped being depressed when she drank herbal tea.” Another one that makes me laugh is “Have a glass of wine. It will relax you.” I understand that these people have good intentions, but would they tell me to try yoga to cure my cancer? Would a glass of wine make me cancer disappear? No. Why then is it okay to make these suggestions about depression?

People often think that I can turn the depression off and function as if nothing is wrong, as if my mind is not filled with dark thoughts. Until depression is viewed as an illness by more people, those of us who have this illness are going to be faced with expectations like this that we cannot meet. We are going to be expected to act as if we are not depressed. I know I need to work more on being honest and saying, “I can’t do that today because my depression is impacting me” or “I have depression and I need to take some time to heal.” For too long I hid my depression at work. That didn’t help me. It also doesn’t allow others to learn that depression is an illness. Reducing the expectation to act as if we don’t have depression is not going to occur until those of us with depression and the people who care about individuals with depression speak up. 
                  As a society we need to recognize depression and other mental illnesses for what they are, illnesses. They are not choices. I don’t choose to struggle with depression. I do, however, choose to live and that means recognizing my depression is real. I am not always going to be able to function as if I am well. I need to take time to heal. I need to treat my illness as an illness. People with depression don’t need sympathy from others, but we do need understanding. 

 

 

Mental Health Stigma

                  As Mental Health Awareness Month nears a close, I would like to address mental health stigma. This month has seen more positive attention placed on mental health. One month is not enough. Mental health needs positive attention focused on it throughout the year. I think increasing positive attention requires decreasing stigma. As someone who has lived with mental illness most of my life, I have experienced stigma. It hurts. It negatively impacts healing.  I have felt the sting. Stigma has caused me to deny my mental illness at times, especially in the work setting where I feared my depression would be met with mockery and a lack of understanding.

                  The Mayo Clinic states, “Stigma is when someone views you in a negative way because you have a distinguishing characteristic or personality trait that’s thought to be or actually is, a disadvantage (a negative stereotype).” Mental health stigma is when a person is looked at negatively because of his/her/their mental health.  Stigma leads to discrimination, which can be painful.

                  There are several results of stigma. These include a person not seeking treatment, a lack of understanding of what mental illness (and mental health) is, and bullying among other things. These are painful.  Not seeking treatment can lead to a worsening of symptoms. Mental illnesses are just that, illnesses. They require treatment. There is no going it alone.  Whether it is therapy, medication, or non-traditional treatments such as esketamine and TMS, treatment is necessary.  Our mental health will not heal itself. Unfortunately, too often stigma interferes with getting help.

                  We see stigma when mental illnesses are used as adjectives. I’m sure you have heard things like, “She’s so OCD. She keeps everything so clean,” or “He’s so schizophrenic.”  Mental illnesses are not adjectives. Being neat is not OCD. Being sad is not depression. Having different moods is not bipolar disorder. These mental illnesses are much more complicated than their use as adjectives would have people believe.  

                  I have major depressive disorder. This does not mean I am just sad. I experience happiness at times. What I live with is a mood disorder that makes it difficult for me feel good about myself and the world around me. I can experience sadness separate from my depression.  Sadness and depression are separate things. I can be sad that my favorite basketball team lost a game. That loss does not depress me. Depression consumes me and affects how I carry out my daily life. Sadness is an emotion that a person experiences in relation to an event. Sometimes depression is stigmatized as someone dressed all in black and crying. I don’t wear black any more than I wear other colors. My mood colors how I view myself. It results in a draining feeling coming over me.

Many times, I have heard, “How can you be depressed when you have so much to be happy about?” Again, here is stigma. Depression and happiness are not opposite emotions. Happiness is an emotion. Depression is an illness. Depression affects every aspect of my life. It colors my view of myself and the world around me. Happiness is something I feel when I something good happens like watching my niece get a hit in one of her games or when my nephew makes a joke. These things don’t erase my depression. They just allow me to feel the emotion of happiness.

So, how do we cope withstigma? First, as I stated earlier, we need treatment. We need to seek out help or allow ourselves to be helped. This requires seeing mental health professionals. When we recognize that mental illnesses require health care, we are better able to receive the care we need. We are also talking back to that stigma that denies mental illness is an illness. 

We need to remember we that we are not our mental illness. I am not depressed. I have depression. There is a difference. Again, depression is not an adjective. People are not bipolar. They are not schizophrenic. People have bipolar disorder. People have schizophrenia. We need to resist the tendency to use mental health disorders as adjectives. There is enough of that around us. If we ensure that we are not using them as adjectives other people will notice. 

As difficult as it is, we need to try not to isolate. When we keep to ourselves and push others away, we are not allowing them to see that we live with an illness that can be treated. I understand how hard it is not to isolate.  There are times when I isolate. I have been afraid to let others see my depression and anxiety. I have lied about my illness, blamed it on a physical ailment. Stigma caused me to be afraid. I didn’t want my boss to know I struggled with my mental health. I feared it would affect my employment. But the truth is people can work with mental illness. Sure, there are times when we need time off, when we need care. That doesn’t mean we can’t be productive employees. If we can reduce the stigma surrounding mental health, more people can be successfully employed. 

Reducing stigma requires awareness. Recently, I participated in NAMI Walks. People came together to raise awareness about mental illness. There was a sense of community and desire to help people. I have found that being involved with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has given me opportunities to connect with others who understand what I live with. It has given me the opportunity to share my story and hear the stories of others. The awareness NAMI generates is healing. NAMI works to tear down the stigma through awareness. Awareness means saying, “This is mental illness. People live with it. People succeed with it.” 

By its nature mental illness is difficult to live with, but we need to remember that we are more than our illness. Stigma be damned. My hope is that through this blog and other writing, I can reduce stigma. I want people to be able to live without the negativity of mental illness. I want to live without that negativity. I want young people to discover that even if they are struggling with depression, anxiety, or another mental illness, they can live full lives. There is help out there. Sometimes we have to look harder for it, but help is out there. If we make mental health awareness a yearlong effort, we can reduce stigma and make a difference in many lives. 

 

Do You Really See Me?

           I have had rough few days.  I am not up to writing a full post, but I want to get something up on the blog.  So, I will share a poem that is related to a recent post.  In my January 11^th post, “Turning Hurtful Words into Healing”, I wrote about a hurtful experience I had with a health care provider.  Since poetry is my go-to healing strategy, I wrote a few poems about that incident.  I am going to share one today.  This poem, Do You Really See Me? can be found in my book, Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness.  It is available in bookstores and on Amazon. 

            Let me know in the comments if the poem resonates with you.  I’ll be back with a longer post on Thursday.  

 

 

Do You Really See Me?

 

I get it.

I have a mental health disorder.

You do not understand.

I see you standing there in your white lab coat.

I guess you think that I am crazy.

It is easier for you to just assume that I am my mental health.

You do not see the person behind the label.

The person who feels so deeply, who longs for life to be different.

That is who I really am.

I am not just “depressed with catatonic features”.

I am more than my anxiety disorder.

I have dreams just like you.

I feel pain just like you.

Do you see me?

We are not that different.

One day you may struggle with this darkness, although I hope that you do not.

I do not wish depression on anyone.

Sometimes I wish I could better explain what it feels like to live with a mental health disorder.

Let others know what is like to see darkness all around me.

I hide my tears, wear a fake smile just to get through the day.

You only see a part of me.

Deep inside I am longing to emerge from behind my diagnosis;

Shatter the label and be seen.

 

 

Turning Hurtful Words into Healing

           I am very open about my mental health, but I wasn’t always this open.  I used to hide my mental illness in shame.  I didn’t think others would understand. It took hurtful words from a health care provider to make me realize that I shouldn’t be ashamed of my mental illness.  In fact, my experience with this health care provider made me realize that it was time for me to use my voice to help myself and others who struggle with mental illness. 

            The story of how this health care provider hurt me is in my memoir, “Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness”.  I am going to share it here, too, because it was an instrumental event in my journey.  In my book I refer to this health care provider as E.  I will do so here as well.  I could use her name, but in my heart, I have forgiven her.  Actually, as you will see, I may owe her a debt of gratitude.  

            In 2017 I had to change primary care providers.  The one I had been comfortable with left the clinic I was going to.  Before she left, she recommended that I see E for my health care needs.  She told me that I could trust her and that she was a good provider.  I was hesitant, but I made the change.  The first visit I had with her was okay, uneventful.  It was the next time I saw her that I had a terrible experience.

            I saw E for my yearly physical.  I always get a little anxious when I have medical appointments, but I was doing fairly well when I went into the exam room.  The appointment started okay.  There is a part of the annual physical exam that I have never been able to have completed because of my anxiety, but providers have always tried.  Usually, I would take something to relax me before starting and the provider would do their best to calmly talk me through it.  I was never able to get through that part of the exam, but no harm was ever done.  The provider just moved on to the next part.  When it came time for that part of the exam E read my records and said she wouldn’t do it.  She said I had to go somewhere else for it.  I tried to tell her I wanted her to do it and that I had already taken medicine to get me through it.  She looked straight at me and said, “No.  You are a liability.” I couldn’t understand what she had said.  Why was she calling me a liability?  I felt like there was something wrong with me.  She was blaming me for something that was caused by my anxiety.  I froze.  I didn’t know what to say.  I know I had tears in my eyes, but she just ignored me.  She moved on to the next part of the exam.

            She told me to lie down so she could examine my breasts.  In my head thoughts were swirling.  What was wrong with me? Why can’t I be like other women?  Then I realized she was about to touch me.  Knowing I often get jumpy when I am touched, I wanted to warn her so she wouldn’t think she was hurting me.  I said, “Sometimes I jump when I am touched, but it doesn’t hurt.”  E looked at me and said in a way that sounded very sarcastic to me, “I can’t examine you, if I can’t touch you.” I wanted to run out of the exam room.  I needed to get away, but I was trapped. Somehow, I managed to let her finish the exam.  I couldn’t get to my car fast enough.  Once safely away from her and in my car, I broke down in tears.  

            Was my anxiety my fault?  Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  No health care provider had ever made an issue about the way E had.  I couldn’t get her words out of my head.  “You are a liability,” kept echoing in my mind. 

            As soon as I talked to my psychologist, Dr. Klein, I told him what happened.  I cried as I told him.  It was obvious how much those words had hurt me.  He tried to reassure me that I was not a liability, and that E was wrong for saying it.  I just couldn’t get those words out of my head.  It took two weeks for Dr. Klein to convince me to speak up.  I had received one of those feedback emails from E’s office.  I wrote that I had a really bad experience and that I was never going back.  I didn’t explain what had happened.  I just said I was never going back because of my last appointment.  

The next day I received a call from a woman in the office.  I don’t remember her name or title.  She asked me why I didn’t want to go back.  I told her what E had said and that it was very hurtful.  She apologized.  She said it sounded like an issue of poor word choice.  At that time, I wasn’t at a point where I could explain how E had hurt me and how it was issue of her mistreating me because of my mental illness, not just poor word choice. The woman was kind.  She told me that she would like me to continue going to this office and that I could see someone else moving forward.  I was hesitant.  She recommended a physician’s assistant, named Greta.  She promised me that Greta was different.  She said she was kind and understanding and assured me that I would like her.  I was overwhelmed with the whole situation and really didn’t want to go through the process of finding a new primary care provider.  So, I agreed.  The woman told me she would tell the doctor in charge about my experience.  

I never received an apology from E.  I never saw her again.  There was no acknowledgement of how she had hurt me because of my mental illness.  Soon my hurt turned to anger.  I spent a lot of time discussing my feelings surrounding this incident with Dr. Klein.  I didn’t understand how it was okay for a health care provider to not only dismiss my mental illness but insult me over it.  E made it seem like my anxiety was my fault.  I wondered how many other people she had done that to.  Was it common for her to be flippant with patients with mental illness or was I her only target?  I started thinking more about the effect her words had on me.  With Dr. Klein’s help I realized I hadn’t done anything wrong.  My anxiety wasn’t my fault.  I have an illness and a primary care provider should be understanding of mental illness. 

It is at this point that I realized I couldn’t sit back and allow myself to be treated that way.  I had to stand up for myself.  This experience led me into mental health advocacy.  I finally understood that I had a voice, and I could use it to stand up for myself and others with mental illness.  I began looking for mental health organizations.  My writing became focused on mental illness.  I stopped hiding my depression and anxiety.  I began speaking about mental illness. I learned to tell my story and looked for opportunities to share it.

Hurtful words led me into mental health advocacy.  For that I am grateful.  The work I have been able to do since that day allows me to forgive E.  I will never forget, but I have forgiven.  Her words echo in my head like a rallying cry urging me to use my voice to fight the stigma surrounding mental illness.

The primary care providers I have had since that terrible experience, Greta and Cristina, have shown me that not only can a primary care provider understand the needs of a patient with mental illness, but they also need to be able to understand.  I am grateful that I found providers who care and understand.  

I hope through my advocacy work more health care providers learn about mental illness and how to treat patients.  Mental illness is an illness.  It is no more the patient’s fault than a cancer diagnosis.  My goal is to use my experience to educate others.  I want my experience to serve a purpose.  If you are health care provider, I urge you to learn more about mental illness and how to understand your patients.  If you have a mental illness, I urge you to remember that you have an illness and you do not need to be ashamed of it.  

Sometimes I think I would like the opportunity to speak to E.  I know it has been several years and she likely doesn’t remember her hurtful words.  I would just like to explain how she hurt me and let her know that those words changed me.  Her hurtful words led me into mental health advocacy.  I now have a voice that I will continue to use to help myself and others.  Fortunately, her hurtful words led to good.  So, if you’re out there, E, thank you for giving me a reason to find my voice.