Finding the Positive in Difficult Times

                 This blog is a place where I share thoughts and ideas about mental health. I often share strategies I employ in my own life. I try to be as open as I can. There is no healing without honesty. I am always honest when I write here. If I wasn’t honest my words would not help others and likewise, they would not help me. So, today I want to share that I am struggling with some things. My goal in sharing is to bring hope to myself and others.

                  This morning I had an appointment with my primary care provider, Cristina. I shared with her that I am struggling with several things. Our conversation helped me. I am basically overwhelmed. Not only do I deal with my mental and physical health struggles, but I am also faced with my mother’s illness, which has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I am also preparing to return to work after being off for two years while fighting stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, a disease I wasn’t sure I would survive. Returning to work scares me. Am I ready? Will a principal want to hire me with my restrictions? My last teaching experience was not good. I worry that teaching is no longer the profession for me. I also have this ridiculous fear that my cancer will return as soon as I start a new teaching position. I guess this fear isn’t that ridiculous. My cancer is one that will return. So, I know cancer is not done with me. I just don’t know when it will rear its ugly head and interfere with my life again. 

                  Back to my conversation with Cristina. She said some things that really impacted me. She shared a story about someone else struggling with cancer. It makes me sad to hear about others facing this illness and knowing they struggle with the same emotional aspects that I have faced. Knowing I am not alone is comforting. It is not that I want anyone else to suffer, but it helps to know it’s not just me. 

Cristina listened to my fears. Then she turned them around. She told me I had to find the positives in what was ahead of me. I listened as she put a positive spin on my return to work. She was realistic yet reassured my cancer fears. She told me not to focus on a date. What I took from that is that I need to live in the moment. Cancer will come back, but like my oncologist, Dr. S, says, she will be ready to treat it when it does. Fear can’t help me. I need to remain positive that I will fight again and beat cancer.

Cristina also reframed my return to work. What if I like my new teaching position? I can’t focus on the negative. Sure, I don’t know where I will end up teaching or what I will end up teaching. I taught for 26 years. I can face whatever I am presented with.

My mental health issues are going to follow me into every aspect of my life. That is just a fact, but I am prepared to deal with that. I have my treatment and therapy. I have my mental health team. I have Cristina. I have my aunt. My fears about cancer and returning to work are fueled by my anxiety. In my last post I discussed noticing thoughts. I think that is what I need to do with these fears. I think that is what Cristina was telling me. Notice a thought, acknowledge it, and move on to something positive. 

I didn’t really acknowledge the other area I am struggling with.  I am watching my mother’s health deteriorate. It is hard. It brings up a lot of issues for me. How can it not? I need to allow myself to acknowledge my thoughts about her and what is happening. I have no control in this situation other than the control of my own response to it. I have found that allowing myself to write about it helps me. So, I will continue to do that. I choose to keep that writing in my journal because it is not something I am ready to share. 

This post feels like it is all over the place. I am going to let it be because that is where I am at right now.  I think I need to go back to what Cristina said about focusing on the positives. It is that focus that carries us through difficult times. Sometimes we need other people to remind us that we are on the right track and that we are going to be okay. We each have struggles and it is easy to get caught up in the negative. But what if we chose to focus on the positive outcomes that are possible. Can we manifest those positive outcomes? I don’t know, but I think it is worth trying. The alternative isn’t very pleasant. 

I end this with a thank you to Cristina for words that go beyond caring for my physical health and for taking the time to treat me as a whole person, both mental and physical. We need more health care providers like her. 

 

You Can’t Pour from an Empty Cup

                 Today’s post is a bit selfish. In all honesty I am writing it for two reasons. One, I need the reminder that I cannot pour from an empty cup. Two, I need the distraction writing provides me. I ask that you indulge me in this post. My hope is that even though I am writing for myself, the post will also help others.

                  The phrase “You can’t pour from an empty cup” popped into my head the other day when I was sending an email to someone I know has a lot on her plate. I included the phrase to give her a reminder to take care of herself, too. Since then, the phrase has been in my head. I looked online and couldn’t find anyone to attribute it to. From what I read, it may come from ancient times. 

                  This phrase breaks down to an important message: You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself first. That is a powerful statement. So often, we get caught up in what we are doing for others that we forget to take care of ourselves. I would guess that parents often get caught up in taking care of their children and forget to take time to care for themselves. The same is likely true for other caregivers. 

                  I am reminded of when a flight attendant tells passengers flying with young children that in the event of an emergency, they need to put their oxygen mask on first. Then they can tend to their child. It is the same idea. Our cups need to be full before we can help others. We need to be functioning well. We need to be healthy, both mentally and physically when we are faced with caring for others. 

                  You can’t pour from an empty cup is a reminder to practice self-care, to set boundaries, to allot time to rest and recharge, and prioritize your own well-being. When I was teaching, I struggled to do these things. I was always focused on what my students needed. I was working more than I was not working. Long hours and little reward, led to burn out. I was not taking care of myself. I was not setting boundaries. I was not resting and recharging. I was not prioritizing my own well-being. Burnout was the result. My cup was empty. I reached a point where I hated teaching. Now, as I am considering whether it is time to go back to teaching, I need to ensure that I if and when I go back, that I prioritize myself. My own self-care must be a central to all I do.

                  I think the same is true when caring for a loved one who is ill. The tendency is to place all our focus on the one who requires care. That will likely not end well. You can’t do it alone. You need to take time to rest and recharge. You need to accept help and understand that you can’t do it alone. Just as importantly, you can’t put your life on hold. I think this is true in any situation where you are assisting or caring for others, such as parenting, teaching, caring for an ill family member, or being in charge in the workplace. 

                  There are some simple things you can do to “fill your cup”. These include getting enough sleep, eating nourishing meals, moving your body (i.e. go for a walk), setting and respecting boundaries, doing something you enjoy or that relaxes you, spending time with people who uplift you, and unplugging form technology and the news. These are simple things that can be done to fill our cups. Whether we are in a helping or healing profession or we are responsible for loved ones, it is important that we fill our cups. We cannot be of service to others if our cups are empty.

                  This is a difficult lesson to learn. I think I have struggled with it all my life. I poured from an empty cup too often in my teaching career and now I am struggling to return to it. I am dealing with it in other ways, too, but they are too difficult to share here. Perhaps we all are in some way. I think it is easy to get stuck with an empty cup in today’s world. Let’s all take some time this weekend to try one or more of the steps above to fill our cups. It can’t hurt to try, and it just might lay the groundwork for healthy lives.