Returning

                 For the past two plus years I have been on medical leave from the job I had for 26 years. Cancer forced me to take the leave. I have spent the past two years dealing with cancer and aspects of my mental health. It was a difficult time. Despite the difficulties, the pain, the treatment, and all the time to allow my mind to run wild, I have overcome cancer. This horrible disease is no longer ruling my life. The time has come for me to return to the life I once led. It is time to return to normalcy and the working world. 

                  In all honesty the concept of returning to work terrifies me despite how grateful I am to be afforded this opportunity. Cancer did not beat me. I have been given a gift. There was a time when I did not think I would ever get this opportunity. The fears that arose from my cancer diagnosis haunted every aspect of my life. Those fears negatively impacted my mental health. 

                  I know I am lucky to be able to return to work. Why then am I so anxious and overwhelmed? Yesterday was a terrible day. The anxiety of it all really hit me as one thing went wrong after another. I am grateful that I had my mental health team to reach out to for support. My friend, Maria, also helped me through it. She has been the voice of reason. Maria reminds me that education is changing, and I will face many new things, some difficult, but even with the changes I can be successful if I prepare and keep an open mind. That is a message I needed to hear. Luckily, she did not tell me that when I was in crisis yesterday. She waited until I was calmer and could hear her message with a clear mind. She also let me know she will be there when I need support.

                  I wonder if teaching will be like riding a bike. Will I remember what to do when I enter the classroom? I know I will face challenges. I know things have changed. I also know that I was not happy the last time I was in the classroom. Fears that those feelings will return swirl in my mind. During my last year of teaching, the environment I was in almost broke me. I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts. Thankfully, I have an amazing mental health team that held my hand and walked me through that time. I am in a different place mentally now. I will be at a new school with new students.  I have met the administration, and they seem enthusiastic and positive. They carry an air of support, which I did not feel at my previous school. That gives me hope for my new teaching assignment.

                  Still, cancer is in my thoughts. I know my mind is messing with me. It is causing pains that remind me of the pains I had prior to my cancer diagnosis. I know I am fine. My recent pet scan showed that there are no tumors in my body. My bloodwork has been good. The pain is just a figment of my mind taunting me. Depression and anxiety want to be noticed, and they are creating this pain in an attempt to scare me. I cannot let them win. I beat cancer. I know it may come back, but it is not back now. I need to focus on living the life I have been given. Depression and anxiety are going to talk in my head, but I know it is them. I can talk back to them.

                  One of the things I learned in my cancer journey is that I need to dance. What does that mean? It means I need to focus on the joys in life. I need to recognize that my cancer journey made me stronger. I am a survivor. If I can beat cancer, I can handle teaching. I can dance my way back into the classroom. One toe tap at a time, I can become the quality teacher I once was. The ability to teach still resides within me. I need to welcome this opportunity with joy no matter how much it scares me. Cancer taught me that I can do hard things. There is a strength within me that sometimes I forget to acknowledge. That strength has fought depression and anxiety. It has fought cancer. Each time the strength has emerged on top. I must believe that this time will be no different. I admit that I am scared. The fear of cancer’s return will always be in the back of my mind. I cannot allow that fear to prevent me from moving forward. There are students waiting for me to teach them. As I reenter the classroom, I do so with a new sense of my inner strength. I hope to pass that strength onto my students.

                  So, despite my fears and anxiety, returning to work is a positive thing. It is a gift. Teaching has been such an integral part of my life. I need to embrace this opportunity to teach again. Returning to teaching is a good thing and I welcome the opportunity.

Hope Even When We Are Bent and Broken

 “I have been bent and broken, but I hope, into a better shape”. – Charles Dickens

 

                  The quote above comes from Charles Dickens’ book Great Expectations. When I first read this quote the other day, I realized it fit in with the title of my blog. The quote suggests that even when things are difficult there is hope. 

                  When I think about my depression, I recognize that it has often left me bent, and sometimes, broken. By this I mean depression leaves me struggling. It is difficult to live with a mental illness. Sometimes I feel like depression takes me to that breaking point. Depression leaves me believing I cannot overcome its effects on me. There have been times where I have been broken. Those are the times when I have struggled with suicidal thoughts. They are the times when I have wanted to give up on life. Despite all the times I have been bent and broken, I am still here. Depression has not taken my life. There is hope in my still being here.

                  The hope gives me strength. It allows me to continue living. Hope allows me to believe that I can find the good in life. I hope I have grown as a result of all the times I have been bent and broken. With each struggle, I learn a little more about myself and my illness. I have learned that there is a will to live inside of me. So, being bent and broken has bent me into a better shape. It has shown my resiliency. 

                  Living with depression is a dark place, but when hope enters our lives, we can allow the light of healing into our lives. Hope is a little word, but it is so powerful. I hear it whispered in many areas of my life. When I talk to one of my mental health providers, their words speak of hope. As I am receiving esketamine treatment, visions of hope fill my mind. In discussions with my cancer support group, the concept of hope is shared. Hope is also present when I receive infusions as part of my battle to keep the cancer at bay. This powerful little word is everywhere. 

                  There is a Latin phrase – “dum spiro, spero”. It translates to “while I breathe, I hope”. I think this is a powerful phrase. One of the members of my support group often says this phrase to remind us that there is hope in our journeys. The phrase reminds me that even in the darkest moments of depression or cancer, I still have hope. I may be bent and even broken in places, but I am breathing. So, there is hope remaining. 

                  As I bend and even break, I am emerging as a better person, a stronger person. I truly believe that my journey with mental and physical illness has strengthened me. It has allowed me to see the value in life. Each moment that I am breathing there is hope that I am becoming who I am supposed to be. 

                  The purpose of this blog is to infuse depression with hope. The words I write are meant to bring healing not only to myself, but to all who read these words. As we bend, we grow. That growth might be in a different direction than we expected, but we grow, nonetheless. No one wants to bend to the point of breaking, but maybe sometimes we need to break, to start over and become who we are meant to be.

With Hope We See Light

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

 

                  Recently I have been thinking a lot about the concepts of darkness and light. I use these as descriptors for depression and healing. The quote above from Desmond Tutu ties up what I am referring to when I talk about the darkness and light. Hope. We need hope to pull us through the darkness and into the light. 

                  Hope can be a difficult concept. At the times in my life when the darkness has been thick and I wanted to give up, I have been lifted by hope. Often, that hope has originated in others, especially my mental health team. Each of them has taught me to have hope that the light will reemerge. They have taught me to see that the light exists despite the darkness. 

                  Depression creates a thick darkness. It can be hard to have hope when we are blanketed by this darkness. The light is there. Sometimes we cannot see it and we need help to find the light. The help we receive lets us have hope. I understand that in the darkness we feel alone. During these times it is difficult to have hope or to find others who can help us find hope. I have been trapped in that darkness. It is an awful feeling. As bad as we feel, the light is there. It may be just a speck, but if we can grasp that speck, it will expand. 

                  In the past couple of years, I have learned a lot about hope. Two years ago, I was in the depths of depression. Taking my life seemed like my only option. My mental health team provided the light. They were the hope that got me through that time. I received the treatment I needed to emerge from the darkness. Unfortunately, a new illness would cast me back into the darkness. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I believed I was going to die. The first oncologist I saw did nothing to help me have hope. Luckily, I found another oncologist and a nurse who instilled hope in me. They made sure I believed I could overcome the cancer and live with it. They were lights for me. As was my aunt, who lifted me into the light by caring for me and not allowing me to give up. Together my oncologist, her nurse, and my aunt were lights in the darkness of my cancer. They taught me to have hope. 

                  Hope is vital in our lives. There will always be times of darkness. That darkness will be different for each one of us. The commonality is that in the midst of the darkness, hope can bring light into our lives. Light exists in every darkness. It is just hard to see at times. If we have hope, we will see the light. That light may be another person. It may be something subtle that only we understand. No matter how it appears, hope brings light. Hope is the key to healing. I would not be here if it were not for hope. I was guided to believe there was hope I would overcome my suicidal thoughts. I was taught to have hope in my cancer battle. With hope I am still here. I am sharing my hope so that others may find the light of healing. If we have hope, we will find the light.

 

Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.

                  

                  

Hope After Suicidal Thoughts

                 The pain of suicidal ideation is difficult to bear. It shrouds you in darkness. The pain is indescribable. I have been there several times. Each time I believe I won’t be able to escape the pain. Dying seems like the only viable option. I want the pain to end and can’t find any other way. During these times I struggle to let others into my thoughts. I believe no one else can understand. Hopelessness fills me. This is the pain of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

                  I have been lucky. I have found a way back from the edge of death each time. Hope has returned to my life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the song “Let It Go” by Grace Slick (not the Frozen song) brought me back from the edge of suicide several times as a teenager. I had the opportunity to meet Grace Slick a few years ago. I thanked her for saving my life. She said something I will never forget. With a smile she looked at me and said, “you did that. You were strong.” That was an empowering statement. It made me realized that a part me has wanted to live even in the moments when life seemed to be at its bleakest. I’m still grateful to Grace Slick because her song guided me to find that strength.

                  Suicidal thoughts have followed me throughout my life. I often still turn to “Let It Go” in these times. You can listen to it here: "Let It Go". A song alone is not enough to defeat suicidal thoughts. I need help from mental health professionals. I now have a safety plan that includes reaching out to my mental health team when I am in crisis. They talk to me and help me fight the suicidal thoughts. They ensure that I am safe. They provide the support I need to get through the crisis. I also have a friend I can reach out to when I feel I need support. This is why I have a safety plan. It reminds me of what to do when I am fighting the suicidal thoughts. For more on safety plans read my article How a Safety Plan Can Ease a Mental Health Crisis on the NAMI Glendale website.

                  So, what happens when the crisis is over. How do you continue living after a suicidal crisis? It’s hard to explain how I come back from one of these episodes. It involves hope. Part of returning from the edge of suicide requires hope that I can heal. I think this is something that anyone fighting suicidal thoughts /ideation needs in order to overcome the thoughts. For me hope doesn’t emerge on its own. My mental health team provides me with hope. Often, I have held onto their hope for me as that hope develops in me. Wanting to die is the absence of hope. Therefore, when battling suicidal thoughts/ideation you need hope. Hope is the belief that there is light in our world. Hope is the belief that the suicidal thoughts are lying. Hope is the belief that you can get better. It is important to remember that suicidal thoughts/ideation are symptoms of an illness. With the right treatment we can get better. We need to trust in our care. That requires hope. 

                  Hope does not develop easily. That is why I have relied on the hope my team has for me to give me a push. Once I have held onto their hope it becomes easier to find hope for myself. Having others to help us makes it easier to climb out of the darkness of suicidal thoughts/ideation. When we latch onto their hope for us, we are better able to develop hope on our own. 

What if you don’t have someone to share hope with you? Unfortunately, this is a reality for some people. If you don’t have someone you can turn to, please know that I have hope for you. Know that you can turn to organizations like NAMI. You can call 988 and speak to a trained counselor. If you don’t have a mental health professional, reach out to your primary care provider. They can refer you to a provider who can help. It is important to know that you are not alone. You can find hope even in your darkest moments. 

                  Those of us with suicidal thoughts/ideation are not alone. Too many people suffer with these thoughts. Too many people act on these thoughts. That is why I am spending so much time writing about suicide this month. I know what it is like to be in the darkness. I have been on the edge of taking my life. I don’t want to go back to that edge, and I don’t want others to be on that edge. I encourage you to reach out. There is help and there is hope. 

 

 

 

Darkest Moments

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus on the light.” – Aristotle

 

                  I saw this quote on the Giving Voice to Depression Podcast social media. This is one of my favorite podcasts, definitely my favorite mental health podcast. I often find inspiration in their posts and podcasts, which feature lived experience with depression. 

                  Back to the quote. This quote really resonates with me because I have always described depression as a darkness and healing as a light. My book A Light Amidst the Darkness illustrates this belief through poetry. What I find striking about this quote is the idea that even in darkness we can focus on light. As someone who has been trapped in the depths of the darkness of depression, I can attest to just how difficult that is. When depression is at its darkest it is difficult to believe in the light of healing. It is difficult to reach out and have hope. 

                  I have written a lot about the darkness. It is suffocating. It is all-encompassing. When depression wraps its cloak around a person, the light of healing seems to be extinguished. Many times, I have wondered how I would ever get out from beneath the darkness. Those dark moments hurt and numb me at the same time. I hurt because I fear I will never see the light again. I am numb because there seems to be no reason to search for the light when the darkness is at its most pitch black. This darkness is depression. It is an illness. In these times I must remember that it is an illness and not a part of me. To do that I must turn my focus away from the darkness. Not an easy task, but a necessary one. 

                  How do we change our focus to the light? It is something we need to learn. It is not going to come naturally. I have learned by listening to my mental health team. They are a part of my light. They pull the light into my darkness so that I can focus on it. Often, I don’t see it on my own and need reminders. That is okay. Mental health professionals dedicate themselves to helping people focus on the light. 

                  Changing our focus to the light requires us to latch onto hope. Hope is a difficult concept to grasp. Having hope means believing that the darkness does not have total control. Even when the darkness wraps us in its veil, holes can be found. They may be pinpoints, but they let light into our lives nonetheless. I think there are several pinpoints dotting the darkness of my depression. They exist as my mental health team, my friends and loved ones who support me, the medical professionals who fight my physical health issues, and even the music that uplifts me. If I can turn to these pinpoints of light in my darkest moments and hold onto their support, I can break down the darkness of depression. It is by no means an easy or clean process. There are ups and downs. Shadows cross the sky of my consciousness at times, but for a shadow to exist there must be light.

                  I have come to believe that we cannot have darkness without the existence of light. It is often difficult to remember that when the darkness of depression is suffocating me, but opposites fill our world. There is no dry if wet does not exist. We can’t be hot if we don’t know cold. If something doesn’t open, how can it close? In the same way, darkness cannot exist without light. Illness cannot exist without healing. 

                  It may seem like I am oversimplifying depression by describing it in this way, but I am not. Depression is complicated. It affects each one of us differently. Healing also appears differently for each of us. Despite the differences, I believe the commonality lies in the light of hope. Hope transcends darkness. It is the light that brightens the darkest of days. We need to look for it, reach out to it. As Aristotle states, we must focus on the light. That light may contain therapy, medication, TMS, esketamine, or other treatments. It may contain a hand reaching out to a loved one. Whatever the light contains, whatever it requires of us, we need to focus on the light. The darkness will attempt to consume us. That is how the illness of depression works. It fears the light because the light has the power to brighten the lives of people struggling with depression. 

                  We all need to focus on the light, even if it is just a pinpoint right now. That pinpoint can let the light in and in time we will heal. 

There Is Hope

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn’t.” – John Green

 

                  The above quote is powerful. When you live with mental illness, or any illness for that matter, hope can be difficult to hang onto. I have struggled with hope in my battle with depression and anxiety and in my fight against cancer. What is hope? The Merriam Webster Dictionary defines hope as “a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment.” 

                  Hope has been tricky for me. Decades of living with depression make it difficult to believe that there is freedom from depression’s darkness. At the same time, I have had healing experiences that allow me to believe that I can get better. At times I lose sight of the healing periods. My mind gets caught up in the hopelessness depression creates. It tells me that the depression will win. My view is clouded by darkness. When I am feeling hopeless, I know I need to hang onto the hope of my mental health team. Their hope for me  sustains me when I cannot believe in hope myself.  

                  I know I am struggling beyond my ability to cope on my own when my thoughts turn to thoughts of ending my life. Suicidal thoughts are a sign that I have lost hope. Despite a lifetime of those thoughts, I am still here. I think that is because hope can exist even in the darkest of moments. I don’t really understand how it happens. It just does. I have been lucky that I have been able to reach out in my darkest moments. I’ve been told that takes strength and means that there is hope somewhere inside of me. When I have suicidal thoughts, my brain is trying to tell me there is no hope. However, as Green says in the quote above, there is still hope. Our brains get talking and try to mask that hope, but it is there. 

                  For me finding that hope requires reaching out. I realize that reaching out can seem impossible for some people. At times it seems impossible for me. That is why it is important to plan for those times when the thoughts aren’t screaming at us. Whether it is just knowing who to call or having a concrete safety plan, it is important that we have a plan for when hope seems to disappear. It can still be difficult to reach out to those who will help us through the darkness. However, if we have a plan, we are more likely to try to use it.

                  What about those times when we feel hopeless but are not suicidal or thinking about self-harm. Those are still difficult times. Sometimes I get caught believing that I will never know anything other than the darkness of depression. For me that is a sign that it is time to return to one of the alternative treatments that help me. Whether it is TMS or esketamine, I know I need to get treatment. Knowing what treatments or medications work for you is important. Being able to openly discuss what you are feeling and experiencing with a psychiatrist or psychologist is crucial.  He/she/they will be able to listen to what you are sharing and provide the necessary treatment. Trust comes into play here. I believe it is vital to be able to trust your mental health provider not only knows what you need, but that they are willing to ensure you receive that treatment.  

                  Depression attacks hope, but hope is resilient. We possess it even when we are unaware of it. Hope is present when we get out of bed, when we spend time with a friend, or when we go to work. Hope is present when we reach out for help. It is present when we try one of our coping strategies or engage in self-care. Hope is a light shining in the darkness of depression. Sometimes hope is faint, but it is still there waiting for us to hang onto it. Hope whispers back when our brains tell us there is no hope. Sometimes it will be our voice. Other times it will be the voice of a mental health care provider or a loved one. Listen for the whisper of hope and hang onto it. 

Broken Dreams – Struggling with Depression

             As someone who has lived most of my life with depression, I know firsthand all that depression can take away from a person.  Perhaps, stealing hope is one of depression’s main goals.  I know I have missed out on a lot in life because of my depression.  Depression suppresses the ability to dream or at least to make those dreams reality.  As I look back on my life, there are many things I wish I had experienced.  Some of them will never happen now.  It is too late.  There is hope for others, but depression makes it hard to maintain that hope.  When I am doing better, when the depression is being held at bay, I can find hope.  I can tell myself that not all my dreams are broken.  It is the times when depression is in control that my dreams seem hopeless.  

            I find that I write a lot of poetry when the depression is in control. The poem I am sharing today comes from that place of darkness.  It is the place where dreams seem hopeless.  A place where I feel I cannot even dream.  Depression makes it difficult to dream.  It makes life seem hopeless.  For me, I experience this hopelessness as a reflection of myself.  I do a lot of self-blaming.  Even though I know I am not my depression, sometimes it is difficult to separate who I am from the depression.  Those times are my most difficult because depression is in control.  Maybe you need to experience depression to understand the lack of hope that results from depression.  I know there are some people who possess the ability to be empathetic.  Often those are the people that go into healing work.  Some people develop the ability to be empathetic from having a loved one who struggles with depression.  Despite the empathy, I think living with depression creates a different level of understanding hopelessness.  It is a dark, suffocating feeling.  Personally, I hate it.  Despite my hatred, I struggle to be free of the hopelessness.  

            Treatment for depression helps.  That treatment looks different for each of us.  The waiting for treatment to be effective can be agonizing.  In those times, I find myself hanging onto the hope of others.  Sometimes that is all that helps.

            I have written more than I intended.  I had planned to just share a poem today.  However, once I start writing about depression, the thoughts often just spill out.  As you read this poem, know that it was written in a moment of darkness.  There is healing from depression, although it is an up and down journey.  Broken dreams have filled my life, but I hang onto to the hope others have for me.  They remind me that I can dream new dreams.  

 

 

Broken Dreams

 

Broken dreams stem from the depression

That has ruled my life for so long.

Dreams of a better life,

Dreams of connection,

Replaced by darkness and loneliness.

Broken dreams fill my life.

I dwell on them.

Ruminate on all the depression has stolen from me.

I am alone in my depression.

Standing barefoot on the shards of a life that could have been.

I dream about a reality I will never know,

An existence depression will never allow.

Broken dreams shout at me.

Ask me why I did not follow.

Depression blocked the path.

Left me in the darkness.

A life without meaning.

Dreams, like shards of glass, cause me to bleed.

Broken dreams, my reality.

I dare not dream again.

I know the loss I must endure.

Depression is a thief.

Stealing my dreams and leaving me hopeless.

 

Holding onto Hope

                  Living with illness can leave a person struggling to find hope.  I have experienced hopelessness throughout my life as I have fought depression and anxiety.  My battle with cancer has added to that struggle.  It is often difficult to have hope in the face of illness.

By its nature depression steals hope from people.  The voice of depression drills negative thoughts into our heads.  We become hopeless because the darkness is so consuming.  It is difficult to believe that life can get better.  The messages that surround us can range from, “I can’t do this” to “I would be better off dead.”  Depression is cruel.  It steals our hope for a better life, a healthy life.  It is important to remember that depression cannot be fought alone.

In my case, cancer has jumped into the picture.  It threatens to take my life.  Confusion sets in.  When my test results were bad, it was hard to have hope that I would be able to beat cancer.  I needed help beyond just the medical treatment I was receiving. 

Overcoming illness, whether mental or physical, or in my case, both, requires hope.  However, that hope can be difficult to summon on our own.  An important lesson I have learned is that it is okay to lean on the hope of others when I cannot find hope on my own.  My mental health team was the first to teach me that.  Dr. Klein has been by my side for a very long time.  He has never given up on me.  He has shown me that hope exists even when I don’t see it.  Just by being by my side and encouraging me, he shows me that he has hope for me and that I can hang on to his hope.  This knowledge has allowed me to pick myself back up after some really trying times. 

Dr. S shares her hope for me through her optimism.  She is always there for me and creates a view of life for me that lets me know I can get through tough times.  It was Dr. S who guided me towards TMS as a means of overcoming the depression when medication was not working.  I had reached a point where I didn’t believe I could overcome the depression, but Dr. S said TMS could help me.  With her and Dr. Klein encouraging me, I was able to take the risk and give TMS a chance.  I was holding onto their hope for me when I didn’t have hope for myself.  (If you are interested in TMS, see my posts dated, October 30 and November 13, 2023)

In the past few years, I have hit some dark times.  There was a point where the TMS didn’t seem to be working.  I was in a really dark place.  I was having self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  My team was there for me.  Stephanie realized I was at a point where I needed more than the TMS could offer.  I vividly remember her telling me there was still hope.  She reached out and let me hold onto her hope for me.  That is when I started ketamine treatment.  Through the whole process, Stephanie, Dr. Sullivan, and Dr. Klein were allowing me to hold onto their hope for me.  This gave the treatment space to get to work on me.  At times, I didn’t have hope of my own.  My world was too dark.  By holding onto their hope for me, I was able to keep fighting and eventually come out of the darkness.

Little did I know that shortly after I started healing, another illness would knock me back down.  I was diagnosed with cancer last July.  Right from the beginning I knew I couldn’t fight alone.  My primary care provider, Cristina, gave me hope starting at the moment she told me I had cancer.  Having learned to hold onto hope from my mental health team, I knew I had to trust Cristina's and her nurse, Henry’s, hope for me.  That hope led me to keep fighting to find the right oncologist to lead my battle.  Dr. St has given me hope.  The first oncologist I saw left me thinking I was going to die.  Dr. St stepped in and allowed me to lean on her hope in my cancer fight.  Cindi, the oncology nurse navigator, who encourages me to dance through my cancer treatment gives me the hope that I will beat cancer.  Dr. St and Cindi allow me to hang onto their hope.  I wouldn’t be able to do that if my mental health team hadn’t taught me how to hang on to the hope of others.  Without holding onto the hope of others, my cancer battle would be very different.

So, how do you hold onto the hope of others.  That is difficult to explain.  I don’t think there is any specific formula that I have followed.  The ability to hold onto the hope of others stems from trust.  You need to trust the person whose hope you are going to hang onto.  That person does not have to be a health care provider.  It may be family member or friend.  It may be a mentor.  The key is to be honest with that person about what you are going through.  Even when you don’t want to believe their positive words, you need to allow those words to enter your consciousness.  The words of hope may not make sense at first, but if you keep listening, they will grow stronger.  The trust it takes to do this is hard to develop.  Know that the person you are trusting has your best interest in mind.  Believe that they care about you and want you to get better.  I’ll admit this is easier to do with a physical illness.  The deep darkness of depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to emerge from.  I know this from a lifetime of experience.  But there is a light deep within me that is kept lit by my mental health team.  In my darkest moments I must remind myself that the light is within me.  Their hope keeps it lit.  If I can just hold onto the light of their hope, I will get through the darkness.  With Dr. Klein, Dr. S, and Stephanie holding hope for me and guiding me, I believe I can get fight depression and anxiety.  

The same is true of physical illness.  You must trust your medical team in order to hang onto their hope. I trust Cristina, Henry, Dr. St and Cindi.  I know they are keeping a light of healing burning inside of me.  I am not naïve enough to believe that they are stronger than cancer, but I do believe they are able to keep me healthy enough to fight this battle.  I know Dr. St will do everything in her power to beat the cancer.  I know Cristina will take care of all my other physical health issues.

Not everyone has the same support I have.  That is an issue that we as a society need to address.  We need to ensure that everyone, regardless of socio-economic status or race has access to high-quality mental and physical healthcare.  This is one of the reasons that I support NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). As an organization, NAMI works tirelessly to help everyone get help with mental health issues.  There are many physical health organizations that people can support as well.  Since I have breast cancer, I am choosing to support a cancer organization. There are many organizations we can choose to support.  That support doesn’t always need to be monetary.  You can support an organization just by being involved.   

I will continue to lean on my mental and physical health teams to help me have hope for healing.  I am grateful I have them.  I wish that for everyone.  If you do not have someone you can lean on for hope, know that I have hope for you.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Find the right doctor, therapist, or nurse.  Join a support group.  I have been a part of support groups for both my mental and physical health.  These groups are helpful. When we have support systems in place, we can have more hope.  That hope is necessary for healing.  Don’t give up on finding hope.  You can heal.  We all can.