Aware that my last two posts have been heavy, I was thinking that I wanted to write something lighter. I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about. The lighter topics are harder for me to write because so often the darkness of my illnesses take center stage.
On Saturday night I was able to do one of my favorite things for the first time since my cancer diagnosis. I was able to go to a concert. To ensure I protected my health, I wore a mask. Listening to live music has always been healing for me. Of course, if I was going to venture out to a concert it had to be my favorite band, Styx. I don’t want to ramble on about the concert. I will just say that it improved my mood, and I loved it. There was a three to four-minute time in the concert that I want to share.
A song really struck me. It is one of their newer songs and while I have heard the song before, I don’t think I have ever heard them play it live. The title of the song is “Our Wonderful Lives”, and it was written by Tommy Shaw. The words of the song hit me as both a cancer patient and a person with depression. I have been in a really dark place the last couple of weeks. My depression has been in control of my life and prevented me from seeing any positives in my life. I have been consumed by the negative. That is something that is common when you are fighting illnesses, especially depression. It is difficult to cope with these feelings.
The opening lines of the song hit me. “It’s a brand new day and I’m tired of the uncertain. I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.” As Tommy Shaw sang these words, I was struck by the idea of each day being new. Things have been uncertain for me. I have faced uncertainty because my health insurance was canceled, and I am afraid of losing my healthcare team. Uncertainty has surfaced with my depression in the sense that when the darkness gets as bad as it has been, I don’t know if I will pull through it. Just as the song says, “I’m tired of the uncertain.” When uncertainty is shrouded in darkness it becomes very difficult to live with. I want it to just end.
I often describe the times of healing as light. I heard the light’s presence in the song. “I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.” As I heard these words sung at the concert, I realized I need to “throw back that curtain.” In my mind he was singing about the light of healing. I felt it fill me. I realized that I need to search for the “sun”. If I can “throw back the curtain” of depression and the mental effects of cancer, I can find healing. I don’t mean to oversimplify it. Looking for that sunlight is hard. I am very aware that I can’t always do it on my own. Sometimes I can open the curtain on my own. Other times I need help. That is a part of having illnesses. Accepting help is crucial to finding the sun’s light.
There is another part of the song that reminded me that there are wonderful things in my life even when I struggle to see them. The song continues, “While the dark clouds hover nearby, we won’t give in yet. We shall not forget. We still have our wonderful lives.” Wow! Those words hit me during the concert. It was as if the band was playing directly to me. The dark clouds of depression and cancer are always nearby. Despite that I have managed to keep trying to overcome my illnesses. I haven’t given in yet. I keep fighting even though the darkness is always nearby.
Just as important, there are “wonderful” things and people in my life. Sometimes we don’t see the wonderful life that surrounds us. We lose sight because the darkness of our illnesses can be so deep. This song made me realize that there are many wonderful people and things in my life. I have family members and friends who have helped me. I have my health care team, both mental and physical, who are always by my side, lifting me up into the light. I have my writing. This blog, my journal, and the book I am writing all lift my mood and separate me from the darkness. I have my art. While I am not the best painter, I find joy in painting. I have music. Styx made me more aware of that Saturday night. The words of a song threw back the curtain for me.
When I need to remember that each day is a “brand new day”, I will listen to this song. I will let it remind me that I haven’t given in to the darkness. Even though it will be hard, I will try to focus some of my attention on the wonderful things in my life. I realize that this is all easy for me to write here. Doing it will be harder. That difficulty is part of the territory with depression. The darkness is often in charge. It takes effort to see the sun’s light. Healing is not a solitary process. I need to remember that I have wonderful people I can reach out to when I need help. There might be times when I need someone else to throw back the curtain for me. Other times just reminding me to do it myself might be enough.
The sun comes up each morning after the darkness of the night. I need to convince myself that even though there are dark clouds in my life, there is also light. A song brought me some insight into myself. That is why I love live music. This is not the first time a song has brought me healing. I think that means I need to keep listening.
