A Little More Gratitude and a Cancer Poem

            Last week I shared all the people I am grateful for in my life.  Today I want to share a few things I am grateful for and then leave you with a poem I wrote this past weekend.

            First, I am grateful for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  There have been two posts on this blog about TMS.  It has made such a difference in my battle with depression.  I don’t know where I would be without TMS.  It is a treatment that works for me, and I know will be a part of my life.

            I am also grateful for chemotherapy.  How can I not be grateful for something that is keeping me alive?  It may seem a little strange to be thankful for something that makes me feel like crap each week, but it is doing its job.  It is killing my cancer.  As sick as I feel I am grateful that the medical knowledge is available to treat my cancer and that I have a chance to survive.

            Another thing I am grateful for is the ability to write and experience the healing power of writing.  For as long as I can remember, writing has been a part of my life.  I would be interested in knowing how many poems I have written in my life.  Writing is a healing tool.  I am grateful that I can express my thoughts and emotions in writing.  I am grateful that I have this blog to share those thoughts and emotions with all of you.  My books are another source of gratitude for me.  Each one has brought me healing and allowed me to share my story with others.  

            So, I have a lot to be grateful for. Expressing my gratitude has helped me remain positive as I battle depression and cancer.  Don’t be surprised if you see gratitude pop up on my blog again in the future.  

            I also wanted to share a poem with you.  This poem is about the cancer, more specifically fighting cancer.  At times I get down because as much as I try to fight, I often just do not have the energy or stamina.  My body is weak from the fight.  When I start to feel down about needing so much rest, my Aunt Holly reminds me that even when I am resting, I am fighting.  As I thought about it made a lot of sense.  My body is in a fight for its life.  It needs time to heal.  That is what happens when I am resting.  So, even when I am resting, I am fighting.  That is where this poem came from.

 

Cancer Chose Me

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer.

Cancer is ravaging my body.

Leaving me to fight.

At times I am weak, but still I fight.

Battling cancer takes all my strength.

 

Cancer chose me.

Its poison attacking my organs.

I fight back with a different poison, 

A poison meant to kill as it heals.  

My body is a battleground between cancer and chemo.

 

Cancer chose me.

Some days I must rest.

I cannot actively fight every day. 

Learning that it is okay to rest has been difficult,

But it is something I must accept.

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer,

But I chose to fight back.

Meet the cancer head on

And fight for my life.

 

 

            Check back on Thursday.  I will be reflecting on how depression affects my fight. Depression can affect battles with any illness.  I will share my perspective. 

TMS: A Firsthand Account

    Recently, I shared a post by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP-BC.  It provided a psychiatric nurse practitioner’s perspective and experience with transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).  Today I would like to share my experience as a patient.  

            My psychiatrist, Dr. S, first brought up the possibility of trying TMS in 2019.  I was struggling with depression.  Medication just did not help.  We discussed TMS and I was open to trying it.  

            When I first walked into SoCal TMS I did not know much about this treatment.  I had some basic information that Dr. S had shared with me.  I knew that she thought it could help me and I trusted that.  The SoCal TMS staff explained the treatment to me.  I filled out rating forms.  I completed all the necessary steps to get started.  Still, I didn’t know what to expect as we got started.  

            I was depressed.  I could not see my life outside of the darkness of depression.  I struggled with suicidal thoughts.   I was not sure anything could help me.  But Dr. S thought TMS was worth trying as did my psychologist Dr. K.  I was ready to give it a try.

            So, what is TMS like.  First, I sat in a large chair that reclined.  The psychiatrist and techs took measurements of my head.  They situated me in the chair and fitted a pad to the top of my head.  Soon I felt tapping.  It did not hurt.  There was a sort of rhythm to it.  They measured reactions to the magnetic taps in my hand. Quickly, they found the right settings and I was set for my first treatment.

            I attended treatment daily.  At first there were no noticeable changes, but the psychiatrist and techs encouraged me to be patient.  They said it would happen.  I just had to give it time.  Each session lasted about 45-50 minutes.   They were treating both my depression and anxiety.  

            After about three weeks I noticed my mood lifting. I felt lighter.  My thoughts were not as dark.  TMS was working.  I could feel the depression lifting.  I could not believe it.  I had never felt this type of lifting of my mood before.  Over the remainder of the treatment, my mood continued to improve.  I literally felt as if a weight had been lifted off me.  No medication had ever made me feel like this.  TMS was working.

            The psychiatrist explained to me that it was not a permanent change, but that I could expect to feel this way for several months.  He told me that the lifting of the depression lasts different lengths for different people. He promised me that when the depression came back, he would use TMS again to relieve it.  

            I could not believe how I felt.  I was not clouded in darkness.  For me it lasted several months.  When the symptoms of depression returned, Dr. S sent me back to SoCal TMS.  This time I was treated by Dr. Hutton, one of the leaders in TMS treatment and the head of SoCal TMS.  I learned a lot from him.  He set me up with treatment again.  My experience the second time was similar to the first time.  Again, around the third week, I felt the depression lifting.  By the end of treatment, I was feeling good.  

            TMS has been a godsend for me. I have lived with depression for almost four decades.  Noting had ever relieved it the way TMS does.  I do not understand all the science behind it, although Stephanie has explained a lot of it to me.  The one thing I do know is that TMS works.  

            Now, I monitor my mood.  I know when it is time for TMS treatment.  I am confident TMS will help me.  So, I will return each time it is necessary.  Based on my experience, I would recommend TMS to others struggling with depression.  If you haven’t already read Stephanie Debnath’s post on this blog, Renewed and Recharged (TMS),  from October 20, I encourage you to read it.  You can also learn more about how TMS works in my memoir, Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness. Check out SoCal TMS’s website and social media for more information and to connect with them.  See links below.

            I am not a mental health professional, but I can speak from my own experience.  TMS works for me.  I know it works for others.  I believe in this treatment, and I encourage others to explore it for themselves.

 

Links:

 

Get more information from SoCal TMS:

https://socaltms.com/

 

Learn about TMS in my book:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/traveling-the-healing-journey-gina-capobianco/1142298691?ean=9798218067380

 

https://www.amazon.com/Traveling-Healing-Journey-Finding-Illness/dp/B0BFW7MVG5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1U96Z0EWXCQ8&keywords=gina+capobianco&qid=1698627517&sprefix=gina+capobia,aps,143&sr=8-1

 

            

                           

Renewed and Recharged (TMS)

             Today’s post was written by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP.  She is a psychiatric nurse practitioner who works with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  Full disclosure: she has treated me.  Today she shares her experience providing TMS treatment.  There is a link at the end of the post to the SoCal TMS website for more information.  There are also two links to my book, “Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness”, which includes an explanation of TMS and shares my experience.  

 

Renewed and Recharged

 

In my 18-year career in Psych Nursing I want to say I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen children with deep emotional disturbances, adults with intense psychological pain, and people of every age battling the extreme loss of quality of life. I’ve watched the recovery of addicts, disordered eating, and multi-faceted psychosis. I’ve seen a lot of lost wars. I’ve worked directly with the refugee, the rich, the poor, the unsheltered, and the celebrity. We all suffer from something. I’ve used my voice, my heart, my brain, and my hands. I’ve applied therapy, medication, electricity, and heavy bandages to try and heal my patients. I felt like I’ve seen it all.

 

The problem with thinking you’ve seen it all, is that you then assume a conclusion about people, the healthcare system, and the state of psychiatry. You assume you only can use what you have in front of you, or what others before you have used. You assume that the type of response you have gotten is exactly what you will always get. You have no desire to try something else, something new, or something different because, well—you’ve seen it all. 

 

In 2011, I started a new job at SoCal TMS Center to do TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation). I had no idea what I was getting into, but I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was. On my first day of training, I saw a woman, nearly catatonic. She was being walked into the treatment room by a caregiver and was stiff as a board. She had no life in her. It was difficult to get the treatment started, but we did. That repeated each day. Two weeks later, I saw her coming in again—this time, walking on her own. I asked her name because I didn’t recognize her. She was glamorously put together and had no caregiver. I was confused. How could this be? I saw this with ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy), but this wasn’t as strong or severe a treatment. I then saw a man who had been in bed for 5 years come alive again. His wife even called me to ask for guidance, as she has never known this version of him in 20 years of marriage. I then saw a nurse who was hospitalized 22 times start doing her laundry, and baking a cake, and taking care of herself. She has not been hospitalized for the last 12 years. I then saw an elderly man who looked like my grandfather crying with relief, “I just wish this was around for me 40 years ago…”. I then saw a mother with postpartum depression able to care for her child again, and a woman with pregnancy psychosis almost abort her child for reasons she couldn’t fathom once she was better. I saw a doctor, and a teacher, and scientist, and an actor. I saw, I saw, I saw. Renewed, recharged. 

 

Day after day, week after week, year after year, I see. Twelve years later, I continue to see new things, new recoveries, new discoveries. It has left me renewed and recharged, too. When someone comes to me for help, I no longer view them through just the lens of my experiences—but through the lens of possibility. Instead of, “this treatment is not meant for that”, I can say, “perhaps, let’s see”. When someone is without hope and they think there is nothing left for them, I can lend them mine. I can honestly say we have not found a magic wand yet, but I am excited to know that I HAVE NOT seen it all.  

 

Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP

 

Get more information from SoCal TMS:

https://socaltms.com/

 

Learn about TMS in my book:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/traveling-the-healing-journey-gina-capobianco/1142298691?ean=9798218067380

 

https://www.amazon.com/Traveling-Healing-Journey-Finding-Illness/dp/B0BFW7MVG5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1U96Z0EWXCQ8&keywords=gina+capobianco&qid=1698627517&sprefix=gina+capobia,aps,143&sr=8-1