Living with Depression

                  My last post was short. It reflected how my mood had been affecting me. Depression is a difficult illness to live with. Sometimes the weight of depression weighs heavier than other times. Unfortunately, for the last couple of weeks that weight has been heavy on me. I try to fight through it, but sometimes depression just makes a person step away from what they may ordinarily be doing. 

                  I would like to say that I am back to my baseline mood, but I am not quite there yet. I am making progress, but I still feel some of depression’s weight. Over the years, actually decades, of living with depression I have learned that there are going to be times when I am not doing well. There will be times when I am numb to all around me. Therapy helps. The non-traditional treatments that I receive help. Unfortunately, nothing can prevent the depression from taking control when it wants to be in charge. I think that is one of the ways that we know depression is an illness. Depression can nix the efficacy of treatments meant to ease it. It is powerful. 

                  Most people with depression can tell you that there are times when the depression feels heavier than others. I was doing well and then depression reared up and drew me into its lair. I was surrounded by darkness. I had to reach out for support. Luckily, I have that support system in place. I got through the worst of it this time. 

                  One of the things that helped me was writing. I know I have discussed writing a lot. While I was struggling, I journaled a lot. I also wrote haiku poems. I find that writing this type of poem is helpful for me. I need to focus to ensure I am getting the correct syllable count for each line. That occupies my brain and pushes some of the depression-fueled thoughts into the background. While my haikus were dark, they were also a reflection of where my mind was at during this time. Getting my thoughts out on paper made them concrete, which allowed me to process them. 

                  I also created some art. I did paint pours over two vases. Art helps me calm my thoughts and center myself. The act of pouring the paint, watching the colors flow, releases some of the numbness. I like watching the paint flow down the glass. I try to imagine the depression dripping off the vase (or canvas if I am working with one). 

                  As I think about it, these strategies, writing and painting, provide me with a sense of externalization. The depression loads my brain with negative thoughts and feelings. Writing and creating art provide a place for those thoughts and feelings to go. As I visualize them leaving me, I begin the process of regaining control. It can be a slow process. Allowing the process to happen is healing. 

                  My main point in this post is that when we live with depression, we are going to have times when the depression becomes very dark and heavy, but we can get through those times. We need a plan to cope when the depression is at its worst. Having a safety plan for the bad times is a good start. I wrote an article about safety plans. It can be found on Recovery.com (Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis). Knowing who you can reach out to is important. It is also important to have coping strategies. For me those strategies include writing and creating art. 

                  I can’t stress the importance of being ready for the difficult times enough. This recent episode of heavy depression caught me off guard. It was difficult, but I engaged in my coping strategies. I reached out for support. You can do this, too. Depression wants to rule our lives. We do not have to let it.

 

                   

                  

Things You Can Do to Support Your Mental Health

                  Living with mental illness is not easy.  Often, even the simplest of tasks weigh heavy.  Getting out of bed can seem to be a Herculean task.  The darkness of depression can shroud your world.  So, what can we do to ease this heaviness?

                  One thing I think is important is to practice coping strategies when the darkness of depression is not as heavy. This will make it easier to engage in these strategies when the depression is bad.  I have tried to develop several coping strategies for myself.  I am not always good at turning to my coping strategies. That is part of the nature of depression.  When it has you down, it is difficult to engage.  That is why it is important to practice coping strategies.  In a sense they need to be somewhat automatic at times.  The more automatic strategies are, the easier they are to turn to when they are needed.

                  Coping strategies are supports that can help a person deal with depression in a healing way.  Here are some coping strategies you can try:

 

·      Listening to music

·      Writing/Journaling

·      Drawing

·      Walking

·      Exercising

·      Yoga

·      Painting

·      Meditation

·      Playing with a pet

·      Sitting with a friend or family member

·      Taking a shower

·      Sitting on the beach

·      Getting out in nature

·      Gardening

·      Deep breathing or other breathing exercise

·      Playing a musical instrument

·      Going to a support group

 

These are just some examples.  Coping strategies can be unique to each individual.

What works for one individual may not work for another. That is okay.  The important part is finding what works for you.  Try different things out.  Don’t get discouraged if something doesn’t work.  I know that is a difficult task when you are depressed.  That is why I think it is important to try coping strategies out when you are feeling a little better.  Then you know what you can turn to when the depression is worse.  

                  I have learned that writing, listening to music, walking, and painting work best for me.  I do want to try other things.  One thing I am considering is learning to play a musical instrument.  It may or may not work, but I can try.  The important thing is trying.  If we don’t try out different coping strategies, there is no chance we will find what works for us and we will be trapped in our depression.  

                  Coping strategies are not the only answer to depression.  Rather, they are a part of our toolkit.  Our depression toolkit might include medication and therapy.  It might include non-traditional treatments such as TMS, ketamine, or ECT.  Depression is an illness.  It requires treatment.  We can help that treatment be more effective by engaging in coping strategies.  

                  You may find it helpful to share your coping strategies with people who support you.  My mental health team knows my coping strategies.  The friends and family members I am closest to also know them.  By knowing my coping strategies, they can encourage me to try one when I am struggling with my depression.  I have found this to be very helpful.  Sometimes it is difficult to turn to a coping strategy on my own.  Having someone gently remind me helps.  

                  I encourage you to discover your own coping strategies.  Maybe it is something from the list above. Maybe it is something totally different.  Share your coping strategies in the comments section below.  You might have a strategy that will help someone else.  

 

Affirmations for Anxiety

                  Anxiety affects many people.  It can show up in different ways and at any time.  It is more than just a temporary nervousness.  Anxiety interrupts a person’s ability to carry out daily activities. It is a diagnosable mental illness.  Anxiety impacts a person’s functioning. 

There are emotional and physical symptoms.  Common emotional symptoms include feelings of apprehension or dread, feeling tense or jumpy, restlessness or irritability, anticipating the worst and being watchful for signs of danger.  Common physical symptoms include pounding or racing heart and shortness of breath, upset stomach, sweating, tremors, twitches, headaches, fatigue, insomnia, frequent urination, and diarrhea.  A person will not necessarily experience all these symptoms.  Anxiety can manifest differently for different individuals.  

                  I first experienced anxiety when I was around 20 years old.  I remember a sense of doom coming over me and feeling like the world was closing in on me.  I didn’t know what was happening.  That feeling still occurs sometimes.  I experience chest pain associated with my anxiety.  It is important if you experience chest pain to have it checked so cardiac issues can be ruled out.  Another symptom of anxiety I experience is overbearing and intrusive thoughts.  It is one of the emotional symptoms of anxiety.  A dialogue will start in my head that is hell bent on telling me everything that is wrong or could go wrong.  It is a negative dialogue.  Another symptom I experience is being antsy.    Often, I feel as if I am on edge.  Combined with my depression, anxiety makes it difficult to function.

                  There are different types of anxiety disorders.  The most common are generalized anxiety disorder, phobias, panic disorder, and social anxiety.  I would recommend that if you experience any of the symptoms mentioned above that you see a professional.  

                  In this post I want to focus on affirmations for dealing with anxiety.  An affirmation is a statement that is true.  Affirmations are intentional.  When using them, you have a purpose. You are saying them with the intention of easing your anxiety and reminding yourself about a truth. 

You can use affirmations in different ways.  You can say them to yourself silently or whisper them to yourself.  It might be helpful to write them on Post-Its and keep them where you can easily see them.  You can try writing them in a journal. Perhaps write a particular affirmation repeatedly.  Another way to use affirmations is to record yourself repeating them and play them back.

I try to use affirmations in an attempt to talk back to my anxiety.  In all honesty, sometimes I need more than an affirmation.  That is because anxiety is an illness.  You can’t just wish it away.  The affirmations do help, though.  I find they are most useful when I catch the anxiety early in its attack.  

                  Here are examples of some affirmations you can use:

 

·      I am okay.

·      I am safe.

·      I have done this before. I can do it again.

·      I trust myself to get through this.

·      I can reach out to others. (Possibly use someone’s name)

·      I breathe in calm and breathe out worry.

·      I can take things one at a time.

·      I love and accept myself.

·      I forgive myself and let go.

·      I am doing my best and that is enough.

·      Even when I struggle, I am strong.

·      I have hope. 

 

 

Incorporating affirmations into your daily life can help ease anxiety.  Affirmations can be used in conjunction with treatments such as therapy and medication.  You do not have to handle anxiety on your own.  There is help.  If you have never been diagnosed, you might want to start by having a conversation with your primary care provider.  These providers can refer you to the right mental health professional.  It is important to remember that anxiety is an illness, and it requires health care.  

                  If you are struggling with anxiety, know that you are not alone.  It can feel like you are alone.  It can feel like the anxiety is too much to handle. I have often felt this way.  I need to remind myself to use affirmations.  With the help of my mental health team, I have developed a toolbox of coping strategies for anxiety.  Many of the coping strategies are the same as or similar to ones I use for depression.  Affirmations are a part of that toolbox. I encourage you to try some of these affirmations.  You can write some of your own if there is a specific statement you want to remind yourself of.  I will leave you with an affirmation:

 

                  I am stronger than my anxiety.

 

 

 

 

Getting on Top of Your Mental Health in the New Year

            My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  Now, I need to figure out a plan to do that.  In this post I will focus on what I can do to heal my mental health.  It is extremely important for me to do this as my depression has gained a grip on me again.  You might wonder how I am able to write this if I am struggling with depression.  I think it is because writing has always been so healing for me.  I turn to writing when I am struggling.  It has always reached back and helped me. With this in mind, I will turn to writing more in 2024.  I will pick up my pen more often.  I will allow the words to flow out of me and in doing so help me manage my depression.

            What else can be done to allow me or anyone to heal mentally?  One thing I can do is acknowledge when I am not doing well.  I can reach out for help.  This is not easy.  When depression is in control I often want to hide beneath my blanket and shut out the world.  I have learned that this is not the way to heal.  Reaching out to someone who can help is an important and necessary step.  It is okay to need help and it is okay to reach out for help.  It is in the acknowledgment that I cannot get through the depression alone that I am able to accept help.  We go to the doctor when we have a physical illness.  It is important for us to do the same with mental illness.  So, in 2024 I will acknowledge when I am not doing well, and I will reach out for help.  I hope you will, too.

            Exercise can help with mental illness.  Going for a walk, even if it is a short one, can help relieve depression.  Right now, I can only walk short distances and maybe do a little stretching because of my physical illness.  Still, I need to make the effort.  My psychologist always encourages me to exercise, to go for a walk.  By doing that I can work on my mental health.  I was thinking about trying chair yoga.  It sounds like something I can handle physically.  I have read about the benefits of yoga.  Maybe this would be a good exercise for me.  It might help you, too.

            Another way I can work on healing my depression is through creativity.  In recent years I have discovered that I enjoy being creative.  Of course, writing is my go-to creative activity, but I have found other activities, too. I enjoy painting, especially paint pouring.  It isn’t difficult and I am often surprised by the outcome of my artistic attempts.  I find myself giving my artistic efforts as gifts.  It makes me feel good to create and share with others.  Sometimes it is difficult to get started.  The depression tells me to just lie in bed and ignore the world.  At those times I need to force myself to be creative.  Once I start creating, I slowly start to feel better.  So, I’ll keep painting.  I actually have an idea for a painting that I would like to turn into the cover art of my next book.  It will take some practice to get it the way I want it to look, but there is healing in the efforts.  

            Being consistent with my therapy and talking to my mental health team honestly and openly is a part of healing.  For the last 20 + years I have been consistent with therapy with my psychologist and seeing my psychiatrist.  I think this is an important part of healing from mental illness.  You may be thinking, “20 years? Why aren’t you better?”  I am better at times.  Depression is a lifetime illness.  It doesn’t have a magical cure.  I need to continue to battle it just like I must continue to battle cancer.  It is in staying on top of my depression through therapy that I continue to heal.  

            Being open about my depression is another way to heal.  There is no shame in mental illness.  It is an illness. That is why I talk about depression.  Hiding it only makes it worse.  There is nothing to hide.  It is not my fault that I suffer from depression any more than having cancer is my fault.  Being open about depression helps to heal it because in talking about it, I am de-stigmatizing it.  For so long, society has viewed mental illness as something to be ashamed of having.  Thankfully, there are more people talking about mental illness now.  It is becoming normalized in the sense that people are not hiding it.  Organizations like NAMI are leading the way in de-stigmatizing mental illness.  I do my part by talking and writing about my mental illness.  I will continue to do so this year.  

            When planning on healing depression anything that makes you feel good about yourself is beneficial.  The activities I have listed help me.  Everyone has their own go-to for healing.  Other things I have found helpful include listening to music and watching The Big Bang Theory.  I encourage you to find your thing.  Start small.  Healing depression is not an overnight thing.  We need to be patient.  It is important to understand that there will be good moments and bad moments.  Notice I said moments and not days.  I think it is important to break time down into moments.  They are more manageable.  You may have a rough morning, but if you try one of your healing strategies the afternoon might be better.  Allow yourself the time and space to discover what works for you.  Don’t force it.  If you aren’t sure what you want to try, discuss it with someone.  If you aren’t sure who to discuss it with, try posting a comment in the comment section here.  I’ll respond and maybe others will respond.  I don’t have all the answers, but it is a start.  One moment at a time we can all finding some healing.  Spend some time thinking about what you want to try and then go for it.

            May 2024 be the year we all find some healing.

                                        One of my recent paint pours.

            

More On Depression During the Holidays

           On Monday I wrote about depression during the holidays.  It is such an important topic.  One that doesn’t get enough attention.  So, I wanted to expand on it in today’s post.   

            Depression and other mental illnesses do not take a break for the holidays.  In fact, many people experience a worsening of symptoms.  I cannot speak for everyone with a mental illness, but I can say in all honesty that my depression and anxiety increase during the holidays.  It feels like the weight of my mental illness gets heavier.  My negative thoughts become more intense.  There is a seasonal form of depression, but that is not what I have.  Although many people do. My diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  These two illnesses make the holidays difficult for me. They make life difficult year-round.

            Let’s start with the lights and decorations.  Each winter holiday has its own decorations. They are everywhere.  You can’t go out in public without seeing bright decorations.  I know the decorations are beautiful and are meant to bring joy.  Unfortunately, they often trigger negative thoughts for me.  The voice of depression in my head says, “See all these beautiful decorations.  They are not for you.”  Often in December my friend and I will drive through a large neighborhood that goes all out with the holiday lights and decorations.  I marvel at their beauty. Then depression’s voice reminds me I don’t have decorations.  My life is not festive.  The depression prevents me from truly enjoying the lights and decorations.  

            I don’t remember the last time I decorated for the holidays.  It seems so pointless when it is just me and my depression at home.  I have no one to enjoy the decorations with.  Depression reminds me that it is the reason I am alone.  I have always isolated myself to avoid forcing others to deal with my depression.  

            It is the aloneness aspect of depression that makes holiday gatherings so difficult.  I feel down so often.  I am very aware of this.  I don’t want it to ruin the holidays for my family and friends.  I am often very reserved and quiet at holiday celebrations.  I limit my interactions.  All of this is driven by the depression.  It is a faceless thief of all that is important in life.  I often leave early because I don’t want my depression to ruin the day for others.  

            Celebrations and holiday gatherings remind me of how alone the depression has caused me to be.  These thoughts just make the depression worse.  I see others enjoying their time together.  I wonder why I can’t be that free with my enjoyment. I question why I can’t celebrate with others.  My mind gets busy.  The depression has a running monologue in my head.  It is uncomfortable at best.  Painful at its worse.  

            I would love to enjoy the holidays.  I have memories of family gatherings as a child before the depression.  I can’t recreate those times.   It would be nice if the depression would take a break for the holidays and allow me to create new memories.

            This year I am trying harder to silence my depression.  Part of that has come from having cancer.  I realize that I don’t know how many holidays I have left.  Cancer could take me away whenever it wants.  That knowledge has led me to want to fight the depression.  It is not going to be easy.  I am already struggling. Depression is an illness that I have.  Just like I am fighting cancer, I need to fight the depression.  There will be bad days.  That is part of having an illness. I need to remind myself that depression is an illness.  I am not my depression.  By talking back to the depression and using other coping strategies, I will get through this holiday season.  I have set a goal for myself.  I am going to smile and enjoy my niece and nephew this year.  This goal isn’t overwhelming.  I can make it work.  I must believe that.

            If you are struggling with increased depression during the holidays, I encourage you to set one simple goal for yourself.  Focus on achieving that goal.  Use all the coping strategies you have in your arsenal to accomplish the goal.  Try to view setbacks as steppingstones.  That is how I am going to approach it. If I am not successful, it’s okay.  Depression is an illness and at times we need to let it run its course.  As we do that, we need to rely on our support systems.  Whatever that support looks like for you, lean on it.  Depression doesn’t have to be a solitary illness during the holidays or at any time.  I am learning that thanks to my support system.  

            If you do not have a support system or need more support, I recommend reaching out to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  They have great resources, and they provide support to all in need.  I am including a link to their website.  Search for the nearest chapter to you

NAMI:  https://www.nami.org/Home

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If NAMI isn’t something you are interested in, try speaking with your primary care provider.  He or she should be able to provide you with referrals.