The Importance of Giving Yourself Grace

                 As someone with a mental illness I am often inundated with negative thoughts. My depression and anxiety know how to talk to me to bring me down. I know I am not alone in this. It is not just those of us with mental illness who are faced with negative thoughts or mental put-downs. Everyone faces these thoughts at times. I am sure even the most confident people sometimes have negative thoughts. 

                  In a recent post I discussed the inner critic. (Silencing Your Inner Critic) It is important to talk back to the inner critic. However, that is not the only thing we need to work on. We need to give ourselves grace. The dictionary defines grace as a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency. When we treat ourselves with grace, we are kind and courteous to ourselves. We are lenient with ourselves. Sounds like it should be easy, right? For many of us, it is not. 

                  How do we develop the ability to show ourselves grace? It requires practice. We are not going to be able to treat ourselves with grace overnight. Many of us have had years of practice with the inner critic in our ear. Our minds have told us all that is wrong with us or all that we cannot do. Many of us have been told these same things by others. As a result, our minds are accustomed to the negative. Hearing a kind word comes as a shock. 

                  One way to start giving ourselves grace is to practice saying affirmations. We need to continuously affirm ourselves. Some affirmations that are helpful in providing grace include:

·      I’m learning to be gentle with myself.

·      It’s okay to be a work in progress.

·      I release the need to be perfect.

·      I give myself permission to feel, heal, and move forward.

·      I am worthy of love and compassion, even when I stumble.

·      I treat myself with the same kindness I offer to others.

·      I honor myself, even if the results aren’t perfect.

·      Every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

·      My best today is enough.

 

These affirmations carry a lot of weight and can help us in many ways. They canremind us that growth takes time and kindness. They encourage patience and acceptance of where we are at the present moment. These affirmations allow us to let go of unrealistic standards. When using these affirmations our emotions are validated. They reinforce unconditional self-worth. That is key. So often we lose our sense of self-worth, especially when we are struggling. When we have unconditional self-worth, we can practice self-compassion.

                  Grace is a little word, but it contains so much power. If we can learn to give ourselves grace, we are better able to face life and all that it places in front of us. We need to practice being kinder to ourselves. I have always struggled with giving myself grace. The negative thoughts always seem to be on standby, ready to attack. What if I could answer those thoughts with one of the above affirmations? What if you could? How much better would we feel? 

                  Giving grace to others often comes naturally. Maybe not for everyone, but for most of us giving grace to others is something we are able to do. I have often heard it said that we need to treat others as we would treat ourselves. Unfortunately, that is a misleading statement. So many of us do not treat ourselves well. We would not want to treat someone else with the negativity and harsh comments that we hurl upon ourselves. Maybe that statement could be rewritten to say, “Treat yourself and others with grace.” I thought about adding “that you deserve” to that statement, but I think that would lead many of us into thinking we do not deserve grace. 

                  Take a moment to repeat one of the above affirmations in your head five times. How did that feel? For me it felt a bit strange, but also soothing. It will take practice to get used to treating ourselves with grace, but it is important that we develop this ability. I encourage you to use these affirmations. You can also find others online by doing a search for positive affirmations. Practice saying them. Write them down if that helps you. Put them on sticky notes and place them somewhere you will see them every day. 

                  I leave you with this thought: We are all worthy of grace. We are all worthy of kindness, courtesy, leniency, and compassion. 

Self-Compassion for Depression

                  Depression tears people down.  We live with painful thoughts.  Our minds often fixate on the negative. We tend to see darkness all around us.  Living like this is not easy.  Therapy, medication, and alternative treatments help, but depression is always lurking. How do we live with this darkness?  How do we get through our day-to-day lives? Having a support person or team helps, but we need to play a role in our healing, too.  One of the most effective ways to do this is practice self-compassion.

                  What is compassion? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.”  Most people are able to show compassion to others.  The difficulty arises when we need to show that same compassion to ourselves.  I know I struggle with being compassionate toward myself.  I don’t give myself the grace I need to feel good about myself. Depression tries to quash self-compassion. It fills us with negative thoughts; tells us all that is wrong with us. How do we learn to be show ourselves compassion?  I wish I had an easy answer. If I did, I would be better at talking back to my depression.  

                  I think self-compassion starts with how we talk to ourselves.  Practicing positive affirmations can be helpful with this.  I think it is helpful to write these down, perhaps on sticky notes.  That way you are reminded to use the affirmations.  I am not very good at this.  My mind gets going and I struggle to talk back to it.  I am going to try to place some affirmations around my house today. Realistically, I’ll probably only write a three or four, but that is a start. 

                  We need to acknowledge the painful thoughts that enter our minds. As we do this, we need to be kind to ourselves.  Perhaps, say something like, “I know I am struggling right now, but I am worthy of kindness.” No matter what our depression says, we do not deserve to feel bad.  We need to tell ourselves that we deserve love from ourselves and others. 

                  Talking back to the negative thoughts is hard.  I believe this is true for everyone no matter how confident they are.  It is especially hard for those of us who live with depression.  The voice of depression can be loud and domineering. But what if talking back to it could confuse the depression?  Would that quiet the depression enough for us to say something compassionate to ourselves? It is worth a try. 

                  Many of us have heard the advice, “be your own best friend.” On the surface this has always seemed like trite advice to me.  However, we really do need to be our own friend.  If we are going to talk to ourselves, we should talk to ourselves with the same compassion we would use when talking to a friend.  We deserve that compassion. Most of us would give a friend the grace to make a mistake or to feel down.  Why is it so hard to give ourselves the same grace? I wish I had an answer.  I just know that despite how hard it is, we need to find a way to do it. 

                  Self-compassion might be as simple as saying to ourselves that it is okay to feel the way we do.  When we talk to our mental health provider or take our medication or receive an alternative treatment, we are practicing self-compassion because we are doing what we need to do to fight the depression.  How much more powerful would these healing tools be if we also accepted our feelings without judgement?  

                  I have been working on talking back to thoughts in my head.  It is hard work, and I am not always successful.  Still, I keep trying.  I would encourage a friend to have positive thoughts.  I must do the same.  I try to find the good in a loved one.  I need to find the good in myself.  Depression is going to try to get in the way.  That is okay.  We need to keep getting back up.  There is a saying about it not being how many times you fall, but how many times you get up. 

                  Let’s give ourselves the gift of self-compassion.  Embrace yourself as you would embrace a loved one.  Remember, you are not your depression.  Depression lies.  That is how it controls us. Giving ourselves grace and love can fight the depression.  It can show us that we are worthy humans who deserve to feel good about ourselves.  

                  

                  

The Importance of Self-Compassion in Mental Illness

                  Today I am going to take a risk and write about something I struggle with often.  I hope I am not hypocritical in my attempt to discuss this topic.  It is one thing to have knowledge.  Sometimes it is difficult to put that knowledge into action.  We are all works in progress. I cannot hide the fact that I am a work in progress.  As you read this post, know that it is okay to struggle.  We are human after all.

                  I have written a lot about how others can support someone with mental illness, but it is also important to consider how we support ourselves.  How we treat ourselves and how we perceive our mental illness are important aspects of our illness.  First and foremost, we need to recognize that we have an illness.  Mental illness is an illness.  It is not something we have brought on ourselves.  Mental illness is not our fault.  When we recognize that mental illness is an illness, we separate the illness from who we are.  That is an important step in treating ourselves with compassion.

                  Often, I have tried to figure out why I have depression and anxiety.  I question what I did to deserve to feel the way I do.  I get lost in self-blame.  When I look around me, I see people who seem to live without the struggle I live with daily.  I am aware of the stigma that is present in the media regarding mental illness. These are reminders that I am struggling.  What I sometimes forget is that my struggle is a result of an illness.  When I need to be treating myself with compassion, I am often blaming myself.  My guess is that many other people with mental illness can relate to what I am describing. 

                  How do we develop self-compassion?  How do we treat ourselves with kindness?  I wish I had an easy answer.  One phrase that I often use and is frequently seen on mental health social media posts is “It’s okay not to be okay.”  Being compassionate towards ourselves starts with recognizing that it is okay to be struggling with a mental illness.  It is okay to be depressed or anxious.  Recognizing this can remove the need for blame.  

                  Self-compassion includes telling yourself that you are worthy of care.  Accepting compassion from yourself is a part of the healing process. It is not easy by any means.  The nature of many mental illnesses is to tear a person down.  Mental illness often strips away the ability to love yourself.  Having self-compassion requires work.  I struggle with it.  The depression tells me I am not worthy of any love.  Sometimes I can talk back to it.  I can tell depression’s voice to stop.  Other times it is too strong.  It becomes a battle.  It is at these times that accepting compassion from others is instrumental.  I have learned to have compassion for myself from the compassion my mental health team has for me.  I hold onto their compassion until I can be compassionate on my own. I could view this as a crutch, but I choose to view it as a support instead.  It is that positive twist that helps me take a step toward self-compassion.

I have developed a script in my head.  The script says that if they can have compassion for me, I can have compassion for myself.  It hasn’t been easy.  As I said earlier, I still struggle with it.  In the midst of depression, it is hard to have that self-compassion.  The script is in my head and also written in my journal.  Some of the lines of my script include: “I am worthy of compassion,” “I can be depressed and still love myself,” and “Depression is not my fault. I deserve love as much as anyone.” I might need to repeat, “I am worthy of compassion” in my head a several times.  I can whisper it to myself in the moments when I am blaming myself for the depression or when I feel unworthy of compassion.  This is a form of self-talk.  It is important to say positive things to yourself when the darkness of depression is taking control.  One suggestion for learning to do this is writing a list of compassionate reminders and keeping them handy for when you need to be kind to yourself. Read the list to yourself often.  Maybe write the reminders on Post-its and stick them somewhere you will see them every day.  Repetition of these reminders is like lifting weights.  The more you lift weights, the stronger you become.  Likewise, when you say compassionate things to yourself, you become more self-compassionate.  

This process is not easy.  Living with mental illness is not easy.  But then living with any illness is difficult.  We seek treatment or care when we have a physical illness.  It is important to normalize seeking treatment or care when we have a mental illness.  That care will involve working on how we treat ourselves.  Self-compassion is important.  In fact, it is vital to healing.  I know how difficult it is to be self-compassionate.  Even after all these years, I still struggle.  I have learned that I need to keep trying to be compassionate with myself.  Having scripts ready to help me is important.  Leaning on others to help me is also important.  I have learned to be self-compassionate from the compassion of my mental health team.  Sometimes we need others to guide us.  That is okay.  

Self-compassion is an important part of living with mental illness.  Keep trying even when it is difficult.  Remember, it is okay not to be okay.  Treat yourself with compassion.  You deserve compassion.