Protecting My Mental Health During Thanksgiving

                   Today I am going to attempt to discuss something that I know I need to work on myself.  Thanksgiving can be a difficult holiday when you live with depression. I struggle during the holiday season. My struggles usually start about a week or two before Thanksgiving. It’s gotten easier as I have learned to recognize it for what it is and have worked on giving myself grace at this time of year. 

                  Holidays usually mean family gatherings. My family is no different, although our gathering is much smaller than it used to be as a lot of my family has moved away or has their own family now. For me the family gathering is difficult because I feel out of place. I am middle-aged and still single. My head tells me that makes me less of person. I know that is probably not true, but it is hard to keep my depression from pointing out that I am alone. I don’t get to host a holiday because as the single person I am expected to just go along with everyone else. Fair, but still, I’d like to have input in the holiday celebrations. 

                  Thanksgiving is a time to focus on what we are grateful for in life. I have a lot to be grateful for and I do spend time focusing on those things. Despite being grateful, the holidays point out what my depression has taken from me. I never made an effort to have a relationship because of my depression. I have always feared that no one would want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles as much as I have with depression. It didn’t seem fair to put someone in that position. So, I didn’t date. I didn’t try to have relationships that could have possibly led to marriage and a family. As a result, I find myself over 50 and looking back thinking of what could have been. I see my brother’s family, my cousins and their families. As happy as I am for them, I wish I had what they have. What I see instead of a family of my own, is a future in which I am alone. I guess I can’t blame it on the depression. I made the decision to be alone. There are people with depression who have families. It can be done. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that when I was younger. 

                  This post is supposed to be about protecting my mental health during Thanksgiving and here I am focusing on what I don’t have. That is the opposite of what I had planned to write. That’s okay because the way I protect my mental health stems from living with the negatives. What I need to do to get through Thanksgiving and what I recommend to others who struggle is to reframe things. To do this I need to remind myself that while I don’t have my own family, I do have a niece and nephew who I am lucky enough to watch grow into wonderful young adults. On Thanksgiving I hear about all they are involved in. I hear their excitement. I can spend time with them at the holidays. 

I still have my mother. Many people my age have lost their parents.  While I lost my father 15 years ago, I can still spend Thanksgiving with my mom. I can watch her smile as she enjoys her grandchildren. I have a brother and sister-in-law who I am grateful for. They helped me with several things during my cancer battle. I didn’t lose my home despite being unable to work, because they were there. 

I have extended family who brighten my life and while I won’t spend Thanksgiving Day with them, I am grateful. My aunt has supported me through my 16-month battle with cancer. Where would I be without her? My cousins have helped me in so many ways. One thing I’d like to do this holiday season is go for a walk with my cousin and let her know how grateful I am for her presence in my life. It is the simple things that are meaningful.

These are the things I need to let my mind focus on when the depression gets loud. I need to remind myself that I have family even if I am not a wife or mother. Is my life different than what I may have wanted? Yes. But I am alive. Cancer didn’t take me. I haven’t succumbed to the suicidal thoughts that my depression controls. 

So, this Thanksgiving I am going to put up a barrier. It’s not a barrier to keep people out. It is a barrier to keep the depression quiet. Maybe I can call it a muzzle. When the depression starts telling me what I don’t have, I am going to envision a muzzle around its voice. I am going to tell myself that I don’t need to listen to that damn voice. Instead, I am going to ask my niece and nephew what their dreams are. I am going to tell them to never give up on their dreams. Dreams may change as we move through life, but I want them to know that we can find happiness in life. It is a matter of perspective. I am learning that late in life. I hope I can share this knowledge with them while they are young. This Thanksgiving I am going to protect my mental health by focusing on what I have and sharing what I have learned. This is the grace I am giving myself this Thanksgiving.

Gratitude in the Face of Depression

                  November is a time when we focus on gratitude. We should be grateful all year long, but with Thanksgiving being this month our attention is drawn to gratitude. As someone who lives with the darkness of depression, I sometimes find it difficult to focus on what I am grateful for in life. Despite this, I try to show my gratitude.

                  Depression creates an inner struggle, at least it does for me. My mind focuses on the darkness, on what I struggle with, and on what I am missing out on because of my depression. I often feel like things won’t get better or that it is not worth trying to find happiness. At times these thoughts turn suicidal, which is the ultimate darkness. Depression creates a lack of hope. How can I be grateful when my mind focuses on all that I am struggling with? 

                  I have thought a lot about this recently. Despite my depression I have a lot to be grateful for in life. I’ll save that list for another post on Thanksgiving Day. But I do have a lot to be grateful for and it is important that I train my mind to think about those things. This requires me to tell my depression to shut up.  Not an easy task. Depression has been chanting in my head for over 35 years. It has taken up residency as if it owns my head. Luckily, I have learned that I have a right to talk back to depression’s voice. When it tells me life isn’t worth living, I tell myself all that I have to live for. This isn’t always easy. I still struggle with it, but I am getting better at talking back. 

                  Focusing on what I am grateful for takes a lot of work because depression has taught my brain to believe in all the negative. Depression wants me to believe that I won’t defeat it, that I won’t beat cancer, that I have no reason to live. All these things are lies that depression feeds off. If I focus my attention on the opposite of these lies, I find that I am grateful. I have a mental health team and a physical health team that lift me up and bring me healing. How can I not be grateful when I recognize how much these individuals have done for me? 

                  I heard about a suicide yesterday. It made me pause and think. Depression has taken me to that edge on several occasions. I have walked, or crawled, back each time. Depression hasn’t won. I am alive. How can I not be grateful? Depression hasn’t defeated me. It is definitely a fight. Depression is a strong a*hole. Maybe I am stronger. Maybe I have learned to use the tools I have learned to fight back. I am grateful I have been able to fight depression for so long. Would I rather not have to fight? Of course. That is obvious, but if I must fight, I am grateful that I continue to win.

                  I’ll be creating a list of all I am grateful for between now and Thanksgiving Day. At the top of that list is being grateful that I am alive. Depression and another a**, cancer haven’t taken my life away from me. I choose to be grateful for the life I have. 

 

 

 

 

Grateful Despite Cancer and Depression

           The past year has been very different for me.  It has been a difficult year to say the least.  Still, I have a lot to be grateful for this year.  As Thanksgiving is upon us, I would like to reflect on what I have to be grateful for.  Illness cannot prevent my gratitude.

            2023 started with me in a deep depression.  It was a battle that lasted months and impacted my ability to function.  It was one of the worst periods of depression that I have had in my lifetime.  That being said, I am grateful for my mental health team.  Dr. K, Dr. S, and Stephanie got me through a very difficult time.  My primary care, Cristina, also helped.  I am grateful to all four of them.  I know that not everyone has a mental health care team that they can rely on in difficult times.  In my darkest times they are there, supporting me, helping me through suicidal thoughts.  This past year I have really needed them.  They continue to be by my side as I battle cancer.  Having a mental illness and a physical illness is not easy.  I need their support and healing touch.  So, as I think about what I am grateful for this year, these four people are right there. 

            In addition, to my mental health difficulties, I am now facing cancer.  I am grateful that Cristina made sure I had the tests needed to diagnosis my cancer.  I am grateful that she made sure I am receiving the best care for my cancer.  That brings me to my oncology team.  Dr. St is amazing.  She gives me hope that I can beat stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. In addition to Dr. St., C has been inspiring.  She is the nurse navigator that encourages me with her dancing and words of encouragement.  Jackie, the nurse practitioner, helps by ensuring that I am prepared for chemo.  I also appreciate all the chemo nurses who provide such tremendous care.  They make sure I am taken care of and that everything goes smoothly during chemo.  I have hope that I can beat cancer because of this great team.

            As I reflect on what I am grateful for I must recognize my family and friends.  First, my Aunt Holly has been by my side through all my cancer journey.  She also understands the mental health side of what I am going through.  I am grateful for her care and encouragement.  My cousin, Sara, has helped me with so much.  I am grateful to have her by my side on this journey.  I remember us as kids, and I feel lucky that she is still in my life.  My mom and brother have been helping me.  They check on me and send supportive words.  I didn’t realize how much they understood about what I am going through until a recent conversation with my brother.  It has changed my perspective.  I feel grateful that they want to be an integral part of my healing journey.  My Aunt C and Uncle D check on me and encourage me.  They are coming to help me next week.  My Uncle A always texts to check on me and encourage me. 

            My friends have been great.  I want to mention them all here, but I am afraid I will leave someone out.  I’ll try.  Know that if I miss you, I still appreciate you.  Thank you, Pam, Shannon, Carol N, Sarah, Maria, Gus, Nancy, Jessica, Bernie, and Sharon.  I am grateful to the friends I went to school with over the years who have reached out.  It means a lot that even though we have been separated by time, you are still care.  Others have reached out including Sue, Robin, and Meg. Thank you to all of you.

            My colleagues have been wonderful.  I am touched by their generosity in helping me in my time of need.  I am grateful that so many of them reach out to me.  It means a lot. I appreciate my colleague, Robert, who sends me a gratitude list every morning.  It reminds me to be grateful.   Thank you to my former students who are wishing me well.  Your support means so much to me.  

            I know I have a battle with mental and physical illness.  It is not easy.  I have a lot of fighting left to do.  I am choosing to focus on the fact that I am lucky to have the ability and the opportunity to fight.  My battle is overwhelming, but my health care team, my family, my friends, my colleagues, and my former students give me the courage and strength to keep fighting.  I don’t know how my battle will end, but I am confident that I have wonderful people surrounding me in this battle.  For that I am grateful.  Cancer and depression chose me.  What they didn’t realize was they chose a fighter with a great support team.  I know it won’t be easy and some days are going to be hard.  At times I may want to give up.  That is okay.  It is part of the fight.  Good days and bad days will come together.  I will rely on my support team.  Each day I fight is another day to be grateful for.  So, thank you to everyone.  Please stay by my side and help me beat these illnesses.  

            I encourage everyone to reflect on what they are grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches.  It helps put life in perspective.  Even though I have to serious illnesses, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I have learned not to take life for granted.  Illness has given me that perspective. 

            I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I’ll be back next week.