Depression and Loneliness: Why You Feel Alone Even Around Others

    Living with depression can lead to loneliness. There are as many reasons for this as there are those of us living with depression. I have been lonely for as long as depression has been a part of my life. The loneliness attacks when I am by myself. It also attacks when I am in a group of people. Loneliness in the midst of others may seem impossible but believe me it is very real. 

How Depression Leads to Loneliness and Isolation

                  Depression has led me to spend a lot of time alone. It does this to many people. We isolate for many reasons. Maybe we do not believe others can understand what we are dealing with. Others do not see what we are living with so how can they understand? We may spend time alone because the depression takes away our desire to be around people. Depression is isolating. We find ourselves sinking into ourselves. We also often feel so exhausted from carrying the weight of depression that it is difficult to associate with others. We may choose to be alone, but that does not mean we do not feel lonely.

The Cycle of Depression, Negative Thoughts, and Loneliness

                  The voice of depression points us in the direction of isolating. We become accustomed to this isolation. At times I feel like I deserve to be alone because depression fills my head with negative thoughts. I beat myself up. I tell myself that I just want to be alone. Then my thoughts turn inward and blame myself for being alone. Even though, I am trying to explain how loneliness works in many of us living with depression, I am not sure anyone else can fully understand. 

                  I have learned to live with the isolation. It is a part of my life. I am lonely, but when I try to do something about it, my other companion, anxiety, jumps in to prevent me from interacting with others. So, being alone can become an unwanted necessity. Maybe that means I have not really learned to live with loneliness. Rather, it has just become an expected part of my life. 

Feeling Alone Around Family and Friends

                  I can be lonely around others. A couple examples might help that make sense. Depression tells me that I am worthless ant hat I am not liked. It fills my head with questioning about whether I belong. For instance, family gatherings become difficult for me to navigate because my head is telling me that no one wants me around and that I am not really a part of my family. Once depression has these thoughts firmly rooted in my head, I withdraw. I stay quiet. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. With depression in my head, I isolate myself. I sit quietly. Family perceives me acting withdrawn. Since they do not understand the depression, they leave me out of conversations. I perceive this as them not wanting to include me and then I am unable to get myself to engage. It is a circle of isolation created by depression to cause me to feel alone. 

Feeling Lonely in a Crowded Room: My High School Reunion

                  Another example happened last night. I decided I would go with a friend to my 35^th high school reunion. Now, I knew I was going to be uncomfortable. I knew I would be the quiet one, but I also knew my friend would be by my side. The minute I walked in depression told me I did not belong there. Dark memories from when the depression first appeared in my life filled my head. I was in a crowded room, and I felt alone. I believed I was the only one who was uncomfortable. I believed I was the only one who wanted to run back to my car. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves while I was shaking on the inside. In a crowded room, surrounded by people, I felt alone. I did not talk much. I even had an anxiety attack. 

                  Depression made me feel alone in a crowded room. I had my friend with me. There was one other person I knew. I saw people I remembered, but I could not go up to them and say hi. The only people I talked to were the people who came up to me. Depression was in control. I had negative thought after negative thought. I felt a darkness descending on me. I just wanted to leave. This is the same feeling I often get in family gatherings. Depression paralyzes me. It does not allow me to enjoy life. The reunion should have been a happy time. For me, it was painful. I was in a crowded room, and I felt alone in the grip of depression.

                  I share these two examples because I know other people living with depression can relate to what I described. Loneliness is a part of depression. I do not know if it is considered a symptom. I do not recall seeing it listed as an official symptom. However, it is real. Depression leads us to isolate. That isolation becomes a part of our lives. It becomes a part of how we respond to situations. It engrains itself into all aspects of our lives. 

You Are Not Alone: Finding Support for Depression and Loneliness

                  Feeling alone around others is not a good feeling. Feeling alone in the struggle with depression is not a good feeling. For those of you reading this who understand the experience I have described, I hope you know you are not alone. Depression makes us feel alone, but many of us live with this. Many of us find a way to continue despite loneliness. We are not alone as we face loneliness. This is one reason mental health support groups can be an important part of dealing with depression. I recommend NAMI Connection. It is a powerful support group program. The link will take you to the main NAMI page of Connection, which will lead you to a NAMI chapter near you. You can also reach out to your local NAMI Chapter for information on Connection.

                  For those of you reading this who may not live with depression and the associated loneliness, I hope you learned a little. I hope you gained a glimpse into what it can be like to have depression leave you feeling isolated and alone. I also hope that this glimpse gives you a bit of empathy. If you know someone living with depression and you see them isolating, reach out. Let them know they are not alone.

 

Living with Depression: Be Proud of the Battles No One Sees

The Hidden Struggles of Living with Depression and Anxiety

When we live with mental illness there are a lot of things that happen in our lives that we do not tell others. This can include thoughts and things we do because of the depression and or anxiety we experience. These can be very hard to get through. The effect they have on us can be even more trying when we are unable to talk about them with others. Often, we are left with a negative feeling, which is valid. At the same time, we need to find a way to be proud of ourselves for getting through difficult things that no one else knows about.

The Difficult Battles We Face When Living with Mental Illness

                  Battling the Inner Critic: Finding Strength Despite Negative Thoughts

                  When we live with mental illness struggle is a part of our lives. We are enveloped in darkness. It is a darkness that others are not likely to understand. Sometimes we are faced with the screeching voice of an inner critic, who criticizes everything we do or think. As  we struggle, we face this inner critic and we go on living despite it. That is a reason to be proud of ourselves. Of course, our inner critic is going to try to tell us we should not be proud of ourselves. We get up each morning and live with depression and anxiety. We live with whatever mental illness has chosen us. It not an easy task. Our minds, which relay the messages of the inner critic, often work overtime to make us feel like crap. Still, we fight to get through life. No one else hears these thoughts. No one else knows what we are going through. There may not be anyone to tell us we are doing a good job fighting back against depression and anxiety. I want you to know that you should feel proud of yourself. Living with the draining thoughts of depression and anxiety, is not easy. If you are doing it, give yourself grace and be proud of what you are able to do.

Living with Suicidal Thoughts: Recognizing Your Strength

                  Many of us with living with depression and anxiety must also cope with thoughts about ending our lives. We might think we cannot go on. We may have thoughts that tell us that life is not worth living. People who do not live with these thoughts are often not able to understand what we live with. They may not understand the pain suicidal ideation causes. Those of us living with these thoughts can be proud that we are still here, proud that we have recognized that our stories are not over. 

                  It may seem odd that I am saying someone with suicidal thoughts should be proud of themselves. But really, we should. It takes tremendous strength not to act on these thoughts. If you have never experienced suicidal ideation, it might be difficult to imagine what it is like to live with these thoughts. We hear our minds telling us that life is not worth living. We may try to act on these thoughts. The fact that we are still here is something to be proud of. I want anyone who has had suicidal thoughts to know that your life is worth living and you should be proud of yourself for overcoming the thoughts and still being here. I know this hard. I struggle with it at times. I need to remind myself that I have worked hard to overcome depression and anxiety. When the suicidal thoughts arise and I push back against them or I reach out for help, I am doing something I should be proud of. If you have had this experience, you should be proud of yourself, too.

Why You Should Be Proud of Yourself for Getting Through Difficult Times

Living with mental illness, whatever that illness might be, is difficult. There are many challenges. Even when we have the support of mental health providers, there may be times when our struggle runs deep, and we feel alone. We can be proud of ourselves for continuing to live. We can be proud of ourselves for pushing through the things others do not see. 

Give Yourself Grace: Every Day Is Another Chance to Try Again

                  We all have difficult times. Even people without mental illness go through trying times. We all need to give ourselves the grace to say, it is okay to struggle. It is okay to have setbacks. What matters is that we give ourselves grace and keep trying. 

                  Many of us with mental illness keep parts of our illness to ourselves. We hide the darkness. The depths of depression are not something we want to expose other to. So, the people around us may not know how much we are struggling. There may not be anyone to say they are proud of us for getting through the tough times. We can try to do that for ourselves. It is important to remember that we can be proud of ourselves for getting through the tough times. 

                  If you are struggling, know that you are not alone. Many of us struggle. The important part is not the struggle, it is the willingness to get back up and say, “I will try again.”  When we try again, we can be proud of ourselves. We can also be proud of ourselves if we require help. Allowing others to help us is a sign of strength and something to be proud of. Be proud of yourself for all you do that no one else sees or understands.

Depression Recovery: Why Setbacks Don’t Mean You’re Failing

                  I saw something on social media that said, “Setbacks are part of the healing process. They do not mean your recovery is moving backwards.”  This struck me. I know when I have setbacks in life whether with my depression and anxiety or some other aspect of my life, I struggle to not view them as setbacks. I often need help refocusing. Thankfully, I have mental health providers who help me with this. Today I would like to reflect on this idea.

Why Depression Makes Setbacks Feel Like Failure

                  What if when depression is telling us that we are moving backwards, we could stop and change the thought? One way we can do this is by reminding ourselves that thoughts are not always facts. They are simply what are mind is telling us at the moment. If a thought is beating us up about a setback, it is only concerned with the moment. The thought is not seeing the bigger picture of our healing. Just writing this is hard for me. I know it is true, but I also know how much I struggle with this idea. 

                  Our mind is full of thoughts. Some are based on what is real. Others are based on what our mind thinks are true. These can be influenced by many factors, including depression and anxiety. Depression is going to put a negative spin on anything it can. For example, when I am struggling with depression, my mind tells me to focus on the thoughts depression is telling me. Let’s say I am feeling the weight of depression, and I have things I need to finish for work. Depression is going to control my thoughts and have me thinking that I cannot possibly finish. It tells me I am incapable of doing my job and spin further into depression.

                  Another example might be when I have a setback. Maybe depression keeps me in bed all day on a Saturday. I will view this as a setback. My mind will start telling me that the depression is in control. Thoughts saying that I will never get past the depression start to build up. This is a pattern that I am used. It may not always be staying in bed all day. Other examples include sitting in my recliner doomscrolling, not being able to wash the dishes, freezing up when I try to talk to someone, and having suicidal thoughts. These take on the look of setbacks to me. My thoughts say that the depression is winning and that I am moving backwards instead of healing.

                  I know I am not alone in this. Others with depression have similar experiences. These experiences make us believe that we cannot overcome the depression or that healing has been derailed. What do we do in these times?

Remember That a Setback Is Not the End of Your Recovery

                  First, we need to remember that a setback is not the final destination. It is easy for me to write that sentence here. Not as easy for me to remember it when I have a setback in my healing. As hard as it is to get ourselves to remember, it is true that setbacks are not the final destination. Healing is a journey. We need to remember that. There will be setbacks along the way. Setbacks are difficult and depression likes to tell us that the setback is the end. Depression wants us to give up hope when we have a setback. That is the nature of the illness. Setbacks are a part of life for anyone. We cannot allow depression to tell us that the setback is proof that our healing journey is in vain. 

How to Challenge Negative Thoughts During Depression Recovery

                  Part of this requires self-talk. We need to talk back to depression. We need to turn the thoughts depression is screaming at us on their heads. Easier said than done. I will be the first to admit that. Self-talk scripts can help with this. We can plan for moments when setbacks seem to be our reality. We might keep notes with words to say to depression’s thoughts. A simple thing we can start with is “No, I will not listen to these thoughts.”  We can tell depression, “This is just a setback. I am still on the healing journey.” Our words can also be thought specific. If depression says that having suicidal thoughts is proof that we are giving up, we can say something like, “These are just thoughts. My story is not over.” The idea is to refute, even if just in a small way, whatever depression is telling our thoughts to say to us.

Asking for Help Is Part of Healing From Depression

                  Another important way to counter thoughts that tell us a setback is proof that we are not healing is to ask for help. Reaching out for help is a sign that we are healing. It is a sign that we have a strength that depression does not want us to possess. Asking for help can be difficult. Maybe all we can say is “I am not okay.” We might just be able to tell a mental health provider or friend that we are struggling. That is okay. Just doing this much is proof that the setback is not the final destination. We are showing that we are still on the healing journey. Even if we say something like, “I am not sure I am strong enough,” we are trying to heal. It is okay to allow our mental health providers to reach out and guide us in these times.  Sometimes healing is just uttering the words, “I need help.” 

Finding Support and Treatment for Depression

                  After we express a need for help, we can allow ourselves to trust. This takes effort, but it shows we are still healing. Our mental health providers can step in and provide the support and guidance we need to be talk back to the thoughts that are trying to throw us off the healing journey. Sometimes it is more than just talking back to the thoughts. We are likely to need some form of mental health treatment. It might be therapy, medication, or other treatment like TMS, esketamine or ECT. There is nothing wrong with needing these. They are a part of being on the healing process.

What Living with Depression Has Taught Me About Setbacks

                  As I write all this, I find myself thinking about how long I have been on the healing journey. I am approaching 40 years of living with depression and anxiety. I find myself asking when depression is going to shut up. This is a question I ask myself often. Sometimes I think about how I have written so much on this blog, but I still struggle. I have offered advice, but I need to hear and take that advice myself. Does all this mean that setbacks are getting in the way of my healing journey? If I go back to what I said earlier, a setback is not the final destination, I know that the setbacks are not getting in the way. They are bumps in the road. I have learned strategies like self-talk, to deal with depression’s thoughts and to tell the thoughts that I am still healing. 

Keep Going: Your Depression Recovery Journey Is Not Over

                  The thing about depression and other mental illnesses is that they are illnesses. They need to be treated. Depression is not an illness that just disappears. Living with depression requires us to accept that we are on a journey that may last throughout our lifetimes. Setbacks are a part of life. Depression likes to use setbacks to control us, but we if we remind ourselves that setbacks are not the final destination, we can continue on the healing journey and tell depression to go to hell.

 

Living With Depression: Why Doing Your Best Is Enough, Even on Difficult Days

                   Often, I find myself putting more pressure on myself than I should. I think a lot of us are guilty of that, especially those of us with depression or other mental illness. I will make plans for what I want to accomplish during a day and then beat myself up when I do not accomplish those things. Perhaps, we need to re-examine what we need to accomplish and even re-examine the word, accomplish. I am trying to remind myself that accomplishing things can look different depending on the day. 

Redefining Accomplishment When Living with Depression

                  I think it is fair to change the word “accomplish” to reflect doing our best. Accomplish is defined by Merriam Webster as “to bring about (a result) by effort”. This is a simple enough definition. I think the problem is the connotation that society has attached to the word. So, often we attach the idea of succeeding to the word. Accomplishments are seen as things that need to be recognized for the effort they required. I think what happens is people think accomplishments need to be big things. Accomplishments get defined by others not necessarily us. 

                  What if we moved away from the idea of accomplishments being linked to big things and focused on just doing our best. When we look at it this way, we change our perspective to something that is unique to each of us. Our best is going to be different for each of us. That is the great part about looking at what we do during our day as doing our best. We get to define what doing our best is. We can change that definition depending on how we are doing. On difficult days, days when depression or anxiety are beating us down, doing our best is going to look different than on days when we are doing well. These are the days when we can change our focus to little things, to everyday things. 

How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself When You Have Depression

                  A key point here is that doing our best can look different at different times. That is okay. This is something that I struggle with, but it is something that I definitely want to work on. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses can be loud, leaving us feeling defeated. I can relate to this feeling. Often, in the evening I look back at my day and feel like a failure. But what I am doing in these moments is placing unwarranted pressure on myself. What would happen if I changed the way I viewed my day? What if I viewed little things as things I tried my best to do? 

                  Let’s think about that. Who says only big things or important things matter? Maybe watering the plants or reading a few pages in a book are enough to say we did our best. Looked at this way, going for a walk, even if just to the corner and back, is something we did our best to do. Doing our best might be asking for help. It might be cooking dinner. There are so many things that we might take for granted that can be examples of doing our best. Washing a couple dishes is another example. Paying a bill before the late reminder comes is an example of doing our best, but so is paying it when the reminder comes. It does not matter if we meet someone else’s criteria of an accomplishment. Whatever takes a bit of effort from us can be something we did our best to do.

                  How to Quiet Your Inner Critic and Practice Self-Compassion

                  For those of us living with a mental illness, it can be difficult to shift our mindset in this way because there is often an inner critic in our heads. (I wrote about the inner critic in my previous blog post, Silencing Your Inner Critic.) We tend to be critical of ourselves and to feel like we are failing. I am trying to shift my thought process to accept things that I would have overlooked in the past as things to be proud of, as things I did my best to do. For some people saying they washed a dish is doing their best seems ridiculous. They have no trouble doing all the dishes from a meal. There are others of us for whom washing one dish takes a lot of effort. Both of us say we did our best. Our inner critic might tell us we need to do more, but if we can talk back to that inner critic and say our best in any given moment is enough, we can shift our mindset. In doing this, we can be a little kinder to ourselves. 

Small Accomplishments That CountWhen You're Living With Depression

                  I have mentioned some examples of doing our best. I am purposely focusing on little things because we need to start there. We need to learn not to overlook the different things we do each day. We need to learn to acknowledge that doing our best is going to look different at different times. So, here are some examples of doing our best in no particular order:

 

·      Walking the dog

·      Cooking without a recipe

·      Washing a load of laundry

·      Playing a musical instrument for a few minutes

·      Reading a few pages or a chapter in a book

·      Picking up a needed item at the store

·      Pulling a few weeds in the garden

·      Watching a favorite television show

·      Making a medical appointment

·      Asking for help

·      Texting a friend

·      Taking a shower

·      Writing in a journal

·      Being on time to work

·      Saying “no”

·      Drinking a glass of water

·      Forgiving yourself for a mistake

·      Holding the door for someone

·      Complete a one-minute task

·      Stretch for a few minutes

 

I could go on with this list, but I think it gives the general idea. Maybe you have other ideas, things you can do. Share those in the comments. There might be someone reading this post who realizes that something they are doing is an example of doing their best.

Practicing Self-Compassion on Difficult Mental Health Days

                  Doing our best is an abstract concept, yet it is concrete at the same time. It is abstract in the sense that only we can define what doing our best means for us. There is no concrete list of what doing our best means for us as an individual. Doing our best is concrete in the sense that what we discover is our best as an individual, is our best. No explanation is needed. Others do not need to agree or understand. 

                  Our mental health can be improved if we focus on doing what we define as our best and not forcing ourselves to live up to unrealistic standards. Taking this perspective is not going to make our mental illness go away, but it will help us make strides towards healing. Perhaps, that stride is another example of doing our best. On some days that stride is going to be long. On other days it is going be a little stride. Both are important. Both count. So, try to do what is best for you on each particular day. It might be something big, but it also might be sitting up in bed. These are both okay.

Living With Depression for 40 Years: Learning to Take Back My Life

As I have shared many times, I have lived with depression for almost 40 years.  That is a long time to get to know each other. I think depression and I know each other well. For example, I know when depression is likely to creep into my conscious awareness. I know when the weight of depression is more than I can handle on my own. At the same time depression knows when it can slip in and take hold of me. It knows when it can push me to the edge, when suicidal thoughts will consume me, making life difficult.

                  Since we know each other so well, maybe depression and I should communicate more openly. Or at least talk to each other. In all honestly, I do not want to have a conversation with depression now. It is hard to talk to depression because it diminishes me, and I know that at times it does not want me to live. Still, considering our closeness, we should communicate. So, maybe I will write a letter to depression. Even a letter seems a little more personal than I want to be with depression, but I guess it is true that we should communicate. So, here goes:

 

Hey Depression,

         We have had a long and difficult run. 40 years. You crept in when I was too young to defend myself. I was just a kid. I did not know what was happening as you began to darken my world. I remember how strong your grip was at that time. Right from the start you consumed me. You made my world dark and forced me to believe that life was not worth living. 

         Our early years together were difficult. I had no help, at least not any real help. I allowed you to tighten your grip on me because I did not know I could fight back. We have engaged in this dance for years. It became our norm. You would darken my world, and I would live in that world. I would have negative thoughts. The thoughts would hurt. Negative self-talk became natural to me. You sat back and snickered..

         Over the years I have learned that I can fight back. It has taken a lot of work to learn this. Sometimes just when I think I am about to push you out of my life for good, you reach back in and torment me. Then I fade into your darkness again.

Thankfully, as an adult I found help for dealing with you. Even with that help, it has not been easy. There are times when I am okay. It is in those times that I have found a way to silence you. Sometimes it has been through medication. Often, therapy has carried me when you have beaten me up. Therapy has taught me skills for fighting you. Yes, it is a fight. You refuse to leave me alone. So, I need to fight you. I have learned a lot of coping skills. From journaling and writing poetry to walking, listening to music, and hypnosis, I have practices I can turn to when I need help pushing back against your darkness. 

Later in life, I learned I needed extra weapons. TMS and esketamine became new weapons in my arsenal. Of course, I cannot use those alone. Actually, therapy and medication require support as well. I guess the battle against you cannot be fought alone. That is a lesson itself. I have learned I need to allow myself to be open to the help of mental health professionals who can guide and support me. You are a strong foe. There are days when I wonder if I will ever overcome you. Then I remember the support I have. I remember the people who are on my side. They are the people you are afraid of because you know they help me develop the skills I need to lessen the darkness you blanket me with. 

Maybe you are in my life to stay. That does not mean I need to let you dictate how I respond and how I live my life. We are separate, you and me. It has taken me decades to learn that. It is a simple fact, really. Yes, you reside inside of me and have for a long time, but I have a say in how I respond to you. There will be days when you drag me down. There will also be days when I say enough is enough. Those are the days when I experience what life has to offer. Those are the days when your darkness fades and I find joy in experiences. I find light in the little moments that mean so much.

Depression, you and I have danced for so long. I do not remember a time when you were not alongside of me. It is time for me to change the dance steps. I can take the lead now. You may pop up from time to time. That is okay. I have my support and tools to work against you. I want to experience the positives in life. I do not need your negative focus. So, now I lead the dance. 

                                                                        With a new perspective,

                                                                        Gina

 

Maybe I am being overconfident in saying I will lead the dance with depression. I think that is okay. I might need some overconfidence. There will be times when I struggle. Maybe more times than I want. The important thing is the desire to lead the dance. That desire translates into a desire to live, which is something depression has stolen from me. I am stealing my desire to live back. It may not always be easy. That is okay. I know I have support. I know there are people on my side whose presence in my life is stronger than depression. They give me strength. So, Depression, take what you will from my letter and know that I am growing stronger. Your control over me is taking a hit. I am throwing a punch instead of taking the hit.

 

Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness: Why Sharing Our Stories Matters

It is Mental Illness Awareness Week. Yesterday I was reminded just how alive the stigma surrounding mental illness still is. The negative experience I had was in a hospital emergency department with a medical professional. It shocked me, but did not surprise me. We have come a long way with raising awareness, but we still have a long way to go.

                  I would like to share what happened to me to raise awareness of where the stigma still exists and who we still need to educate. I was in the emergency department of a good hospital. I needed care for something that was not mental health related even though my anxiety was increased. The triage nurse was asking me questions. I watched her facial expressions as I answered her questions about a couple medications I was taking were for. As she heard my answer, depression and anxiety, she had that look that said she did not believe there was another health issue. It is that look that many of us have seen. It wants to blame everything on our mental illness.

                  Then when I said that I thought I had an anxiety alongside of the health issue that brought me to the ER, I saw the look of dismissiveness on her face. Nothing I could say from that moment on would separate me from my mental illness. Today I was able to read her notes in the hospital’s patient portal. There was nothing written there about why I had gone to the ER. It felt like a mockery of my mental health. 

                  This is a battle I have fought my whole life. As soon as some people find out I have a mental illness, I am judged. It is as if it is somehow my fault that I live with depression and anxiety. I eventually left the emergency room without being treated. My reason for leaving was strongly influenced by knowing the triage nurse had dismissed me as a being there because I had a mental illness, which was something she did not have time for. I knew her notes would influence how soon I would be seen and what the doctor would know and not know going into seeing me. 

                  I am someone who is usually confident in knowing that I am not defined by the mental illness I live with. That does not mean that incidents like this do not hurt me. I think I may just bounce back a little faster than I may have in the past.

                  My concern now is for others who may not have the same level of confidence I do in this area. What about people who are newly diagnosed? Or people who are struggling? Feeling judged for having an illness is hurtful. It is also unfair. Yet, judgement still happens frequently. If a medical professional, like the triage nurse who should know better, can be judgmental and further push stigma onto someone with mental illness, how can we expect the everyday people we encounter to not judge us?

                  This is one of the reasons Mental Illness Awareness Week exists. It is why there are organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) working so hard to raise awareness and reduce stigma. One effort that anyone can make this week is look up their local NAMI chapter online. Check out what they offer. Maybe you will find something that you can get involved in.

                  A nurse should know better. Yes, I stated that I was experiencing anxiety, but that nurse should have been supportive rather than judgmental. She should have looked beyond the anxiety and recognize that I was experiencing another significant health issue that needed attention. 

                  I have seen mental illness stigma and ignorance in many places, including the workplace, schools, social settings, families, media coverage, and the government. We should be working to erase this stigma and ignorance. We do that through sharing our stories. We do that through education. We do that through taking action.

                  Maybe this Mental Illness Awareness Week we can each share one story with others that promotes awareness and understanding. I am not just asking those of us with mental illness to share their stories. It takes a whole community to ignite understanding and reduce stigma. Family and friends can share a positive experience. Mental health professionals can share a positive perception of mental illness. A physical health care professional can share a positive experience they have seen with a patient.

                  We do not need to share these stories on big stages. It can be enough to tell just a one or two other people. You can share a story in the comments section of this post if you would like. 

                  I understand that not everyone has a platform like I do with this blog. That is why it is important for me to share my experiences here. My blog readership has been increasing. If each of you reading this shared one positive experience or story about mental illness with someone, we would reach hundreds of others. If those people than shared with one person, we would reach even more. You get the idea. 

                  So, maybe having the negative experience I had last night is not all bad. It encouraged me to write this post. 

                  As for my positive story, here goes. I have fought mental illness for almost 40 years. It has tried to beat me down. It has tried to take my life, but I am still here. I am spreading the reality that mental illness does not need to define us. I have met incredible mental health professionals who make a difference in my life and in the lives of others. Along my journey I have met people with mental illness who are truly resilient and who work to help others.

                  As I end this post, I really hope that triage nurse was just having an off night and that in the future she does not dismiss a patient because of their mental illness. To make this happen we all need to share stories and be a part of the work to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. 

When the Catholic Church Made My Depression Worse: Why Pope Leo XIV’s Mental Health Message Matters

                 It is Mental Illness Awareness Week. The focus is on community knowledge and connecting research to real-world recovery. Those of us living with mental illness know how important both are to our recovery. Today, I read something that is connected to the role of community and mental illness. It came from a place that surprised me. The Catholic Church. Poe Leo XIV has dedicated his October prayer ministry to mental heath ministry. He called on the Catholic Church to “listen without judging and accompany those who suffer without excluding them.” In his message the Pope prays that “…the Church may be an ‘open house’ where people facing challenges to their mental health find welcome, dignity, and hope.” (Vatican News: Merio, Francesca, Pope’s October prayer intention: ‘For mental health ministry)

                  As someone who grew up Catholic in a time when the Catholic Church was not very accepting or understanding of mental illness, I am glad to see this. I experienced a lot of pain because of the Catholic Church’s teaching on mental illness when I was young. I remember the pain of being told suicide was a sin when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. It made me feel like a bad person. It stole hope away from at a time when I really needed it. I remember being in Catholic high school and really struggling only to have a counselor who was from a Catholic charity organization tell me I had to stop thinking about suicide because it was wrong. She made me feel like I was at fault for my feelings. It drew me back to the teachings that suicide was a sin I had learned in religion classes.  Throughout high school I felt like I was at fault for my depression and suicidal thoughts. 

                  For years I had an up and down relationship with the Catholic Church. I hold a lot of anger inside of me for the way I was made to feel. It was wrong for me to have been blamed for what I was going through. I had an illness, but in those years, I was not allowed to know that. Instead, I was taught that it was a matter of good versus bad. So, to see the Catholic Church recognizing mental illness is welcomed, even if it is a bit late. 

                  I like that Pope Leo XIV wants the Church to be an “open house” for those of us with mental illness. We should be welcome into the Church. I remember seeing signs and hearing homilies about all being welcome in the Church, but I always felt I was not completely welcomed because my mental illness was seen as a bad thing. Now, under the pope’s leadership people with mental illness can walk through the doors of Church and feel safe with being open about what mental illness does to them. Pope Leo speaks about dignity and hope. That is exactly what we need. We need others to know that what we struggle with is an illness, not a fault. Perhaps, if that counselor years ago had treated me with dignity and provided me with hope, my life might have been different.

                  People with mental illness should be welcomed in all aspects of society. We have a lot to offer. Even though our mental illness makes life difficult for us, it does not limit the possibilities we hold. When we are treated with dignity and hope we can find healing. Churches should be welcoming to all. I still live with the hurt I experienced from the Catholic Church, but I can forgive. Pope Leo’s prayer intention and his efforts to give those of us living with mental illness hope is sign that the Church can grow.

 Luckily for me, I found other ways to find hope and dignity alongside my mental illness. The Church hurt me and many others, but being human means being able to forgive. I hope that the Church, and by that, I mean more than the institution. I mean the people of the Church from the priests and other religious to the people that worship in the Church. There needs to be real change. That change requires more than prayer. It requires action. All that I have seen from Pope Leo XIV gives me hope that he can lead the Church into action that is healing for people with mental illness and welcomes us into the Church.