Living With Depression: Why Doing Your Best Is Enough, Even on Difficult Days

                   Often, I find myself putting more pressure on myself than I should. I think a lot of us are guilty of that, especially those of us with depression or other mental illness. I will make plans for what I want to accomplish during a day and then beat myself up when I do not accomplish those things. Perhaps, we need to re-examine what we need to accomplish and even re-examine the word, accomplish. I am trying to remind myself that accomplishing things can look different depending on the day. 

Redefining Accomplishment When Living with Depression

                  I think it is fair to change the word “accomplish” to reflect doing our best. Accomplish is defined by Merriam Webster as “to bring about (a result) by effort”. This is a simple enough definition. I think the problem is the connotation that society has attached to the word. So, often we attach the idea of succeeding to the word. Accomplishments are seen as things that need to be recognized for the effort they required. I think what happens is people think accomplishments need to be big things. Accomplishments get defined by others not necessarily us. 

                  What if we moved away from the idea of accomplishments being linked to big things and focused on just doing our best. When we look at it this way, we change our perspective to something that is unique to each of us. Our best is going to be different for each of us. That is the great part about looking at what we do during our day as doing our best. We get to define what doing our best is. We can change that definition depending on how we are doing. On difficult days, days when depression or anxiety are beating us down, doing our best is going to look different than on days when we are doing well. These are the days when we can change our focus to little things, to everyday things. 

How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself When You Have Depression

                  A key point here is that doing our best can look different at different times. That is okay. This is something that I struggle with, but it is something that I definitely want to work on. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses can be loud, leaving us feeling defeated. I can relate to this feeling. Often, in the evening I look back at my day and feel like a failure. But what I am doing in these moments is placing unwarranted pressure on myself. What would happen if I changed the way I viewed my day? What if I viewed little things as things I tried my best to do? 

                  Let’s think about that. Who says only big things or important things matter? Maybe watering the plants or reading a few pages in a book are enough to say we did our best. Looked at this way, going for a walk, even if just to the corner and back, is something we did our best to do. Doing our best might be asking for help. It might be cooking dinner. There are so many things that we might take for granted that can be examples of doing our best. Washing a couple dishes is another example. Paying a bill before the late reminder comes is an example of doing our best, but so is paying it when the reminder comes. It does not matter if we meet someone else’s criteria of an accomplishment. Whatever takes a bit of effort from us can be something we did our best to do.

                  How to Quiet Your Inner Critic and Practice Self-Compassion

                  For those of us living with a mental illness, it can be difficult to shift our mindset in this way because there is often an inner critic in our heads. (I wrote about the inner critic in my previous blog post, Silencing Your Inner Critic.) We tend to be critical of ourselves and to feel like we are failing. I am trying to shift my thought process to accept things that I would have overlooked in the past as things to be proud of, as things I did my best to do. For some people saying they washed a dish is doing their best seems ridiculous. They have no trouble doing all the dishes from a meal. There are others of us for whom washing one dish takes a lot of effort. Both of us say we did our best. Our inner critic might tell us we need to do more, but if we can talk back to that inner critic and say our best in any given moment is enough, we can shift our mindset. In doing this, we can be a little kinder to ourselves. 

Small Accomplishments That CountWhen You're Living With Depression

                  I have mentioned some examples of doing our best. I am purposely focusing on little things because we need to start there. We need to learn not to overlook the different things we do each day. We need to learn to acknowledge that doing our best is going to look different at different times. So, here are some examples of doing our best in no particular order:

 

·      Walking the dog

·      Cooking without a recipe

·      Washing a load of laundry

·      Playing a musical instrument for a few minutes

·      Reading a few pages or a chapter in a book

·      Picking up a needed item at the store

·      Pulling a few weeds in the garden

·      Watching a favorite television show

·      Making a medical appointment

·      Asking for help

·      Texting a friend

·      Taking a shower

·      Writing in a journal

·      Being on time to work

·      Saying “no”

·      Drinking a glass of water

·      Forgiving yourself for a mistake

·      Holding the door for someone

·      Complete a one-minute task

·      Stretch for a few minutes

 

I could go on with this list, but I think it gives the general idea. Maybe you have other ideas, things you can do. Share those in the comments. There might be someone reading this post who realizes that something they are doing is an example of doing their best.

Practicing Self-Compassion on Difficult Mental Health Days

                  Doing our best is an abstract concept, yet it is concrete at the same time. It is abstract in the sense that only we can define what doing our best means for us. There is no concrete list of what doing our best means for us as an individual. Doing our best is concrete in the sense that what we discover is our best as an individual, is our best. No explanation is needed. Others do not need to agree or understand. 

                  Our mental health can be improved if we focus on doing what we define as our best and not forcing ourselves to live up to unrealistic standards. Taking this perspective is not going to make our mental illness go away, but it will help us make strides towards healing. Perhaps, that stride is another example of doing our best. On some days that stride is going to be long. On other days it is going be a little stride. Both are important. Both count. So, try to do what is best for you on each particular day. It might be something big, but it also might be sitting up in bed. These are both okay.

Living With Depression for 40 Years: Learning to Take Back My Life

As I have shared many times, I have lived with depression for almost 40 years.  That is a long time to get to know each other. I think depression and I know each other well. For example, I know when depression is likely to creep into my conscious awareness. I know when the weight of depression is more than I can handle on my own. At the same time depression knows when it can slip in and take hold of me. It knows when it can push me to the edge, when suicidal thoughts will consume me, making life difficult.

                  Since we know each other so well, maybe depression and I should communicate more openly. Or at least talk to each other. In all honestly, I do not want to have a conversation with depression now. It is hard to talk to depression because it diminishes me, and I know that at times it does not want me to live. Still, considering our closeness, we should communicate. So, maybe I will write a letter to depression. Even a letter seems a little more personal than I want to be with depression, but I guess it is true that we should communicate. So, here goes:

 

Hey Depression,

         We have had a long and difficult run. 40 years. You crept in when I was too young to defend myself. I was just a kid. I did not know what was happening as you began to darken my world. I remember how strong your grip was at that time. Right from the start you consumed me. You made my world dark and forced me to believe that life was not worth living. 

         Our early years together were difficult. I had no help, at least not any real help. I allowed you to tighten your grip on me because I did not know I could fight back. We have engaged in this dance for years. It became our norm. You would darken my world, and I would live in that world. I would have negative thoughts. The thoughts would hurt. Negative self-talk became natural to me. You sat back and snickered..

         Over the years I have learned that I can fight back. It has taken a lot of work to learn this. Sometimes just when I think I am about to push you out of my life for good, you reach back in and torment me. Then I fade into your darkness again.

Thankfully, as an adult I found help for dealing with you. Even with that help, it has not been easy. There are times when I am okay. It is in those times that I have found a way to silence you. Sometimes it has been through medication. Often, therapy has carried me when you have beaten me up. Therapy has taught me skills for fighting you. Yes, it is a fight. You refuse to leave me alone. So, I need to fight you. I have learned a lot of coping skills. From journaling and writing poetry to walking, listening to music, and hypnosis, I have practices I can turn to when I need help pushing back against your darkness. 

Later in life, I learned I needed extra weapons. TMS and esketamine became new weapons in my arsenal. Of course, I cannot use those alone. Actually, therapy and medication require support as well. I guess the battle against you cannot be fought alone. That is a lesson itself. I have learned I need to allow myself to be open to the help of mental health professionals who can guide and support me. You are a strong foe. There are days when I wonder if I will ever overcome you. Then I remember the support I have. I remember the people who are on my side. They are the people you are afraid of because you know they help me develop the skills I need to lessen the darkness you blanket me with. 

Maybe you are in my life to stay. That does not mean I need to let you dictate how I respond and how I live my life. We are separate, you and me. It has taken me decades to learn that. It is a simple fact, really. Yes, you reside inside of me and have for a long time, but I have a say in how I respond to you. There will be days when you drag me down. There will also be days when I say enough is enough. Those are the days when I experience what life has to offer. Those are the days when your darkness fades and I find joy in experiences. I find light in the little moments that mean so much.

Depression, you and I have danced for so long. I do not remember a time when you were not alongside of me. It is time for me to change the dance steps. I can take the lead now. You may pop up from time to time. That is okay. I have my support and tools to work against you. I want to experience the positives in life. I do not need your negative focus. So, now I lead the dance. 

                                                                        With a new perspective,

                                                                        Gina

 

Maybe I am being overconfident in saying I will lead the dance with depression. I think that is okay. I might need some overconfidence. There will be times when I struggle. Maybe more times than I want. The important thing is the desire to lead the dance. That desire translates into a desire to live, which is something depression has stolen from me. I am stealing my desire to live back. It may not always be easy. That is okay. I know I have support. I know there are people on my side whose presence in my life is stronger than depression. They give me strength. So, Depression, take what you will from my letter and know that I am growing stronger. Your control over me is taking a hit. I am throwing a punch instead of taking the hit.

 

Breaking the Stigma of Mental Illness: Why Sharing Our Stories Matters

It is Mental Illness Awareness Week. Yesterday I was reminded just how alive the stigma surrounding mental illness still is. The negative experience I had was in a hospital emergency department with a medical professional. It shocked me, but did not surprise me. We have come a long way with raising awareness, but we still have a long way to go.

                  I would like to share what happened to me to raise awareness of where the stigma still exists and who we still need to educate. I was in the emergency department of a good hospital. I needed care for something that was not mental health related even though my anxiety was increased. The triage nurse was asking me questions. I watched her facial expressions as I answered her questions about a couple medications I was taking were for. As she heard my answer, depression and anxiety, she had that look that said she did not believe there was another health issue. It is that look that many of us have seen. It wants to blame everything on our mental illness.

                  Then when I said that I thought I had an anxiety alongside of the health issue that brought me to the ER, I saw the look of dismissiveness on her face. Nothing I could say from that moment on would separate me from my mental illness. Today I was able to read her notes in the hospital’s patient portal. There was nothing written there about why I had gone to the ER. It felt like a mockery of my mental health. 

                  This is a battle I have fought my whole life. As soon as some people find out I have a mental illness, I am judged. It is as if it is somehow my fault that I live with depression and anxiety. I eventually left the emergency room without being treated. My reason for leaving was strongly influenced by knowing the triage nurse had dismissed me as a being there because I had a mental illness, which was something she did not have time for. I knew her notes would influence how soon I would be seen and what the doctor would know and not know going into seeing me. 

                  I am someone who is usually confident in knowing that I am not defined by the mental illness I live with. That does not mean that incidents like this do not hurt me. I think I may just bounce back a little faster than I may have in the past.

                  My concern now is for others who may not have the same level of confidence I do in this area. What about people who are newly diagnosed? Or people who are struggling? Feeling judged for having an illness is hurtful. It is also unfair. Yet, judgement still happens frequently. If a medical professional, like the triage nurse who should know better, can be judgmental and further push stigma onto someone with mental illness, how can we expect the everyday people we encounter to not judge us?

                  This is one of the reasons Mental Illness Awareness Week exists. It is why there are organizations such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) working so hard to raise awareness and reduce stigma. One effort that anyone can make this week is look up their local NAMI chapter online. Check out what they offer. Maybe you will find something that you can get involved in.

                  A nurse should know better. Yes, I stated that I was experiencing anxiety, but that nurse should have been supportive rather than judgmental. She should have looked beyond the anxiety and recognize that I was experiencing another significant health issue that needed attention. 

                  I have seen mental illness stigma and ignorance in many places, including the workplace, schools, social settings, families, media coverage, and the government. We should be working to erase this stigma and ignorance. We do that through sharing our stories. We do that through education. We do that through taking action.

                  Maybe this Mental Illness Awareness Week we can each share one story with others that promotes awareness and understanding. I am not just asking those of us with mental illness to share their stories. It takes a whole community to ignite understanding and reduce stigma. Family and friends can share a positive experience. Mental health professionals can share a positive perception of mental illness. A physical health care professional can share a positive experience they have seen with a patient.

                  We do not need to share these stories on big stages. It can be enough to tell just a one or two other people. You can share a story in the comments section of this post if you would like. 

                  I understand that not everyone has a platform like I do with this blog. That is why it is important for me to share my experiences here. My blog readership has been increasing. If each of you reading this shared one positive experience or story about mental illness with someone, we would reach hundreds of others. If those people than shared with one person, we would reach even more. You get the idea. 

                  So, maybe having the negative experience I had last night is not all bad. It encouraged me to write this post. 

                  As for my positive story, here goes. I have fought mental illness for almost 40 years. It has tried to beat me down. It has tried to take my life, but I am still here. I am spreading the reality that mental illness does not need to define us. I have met incredible mental health professionals who make a difference in my life and in the lives of others. Along my journey I have met people with mental illness who are truly resilient and who work to help others.

                  As I end this post, I really hope that triage nurse was just having an off night and that in the future she does not dismiss a patient because of their mental illness. To make this happen we all need to share stories and be a part of the work to end the stigma surrounding mental illness. 

When the Catholic Church Made My Depression Worse: Why Pope Leo XIV’s Mental Health Message Matters

                 It is Mental Illness Awareness Week. The focus is on community knowledge and connecting research to real-world recovery. Those of us living with mental illness know how important both are to our recovery. Today, I read something that is connected to the role of community and mental illness. It came from a place that surprised me. The Catholic Church. Poe Leo XIV has dedicated his October prayer ministry to mental heath ministry. He called on the Catholic Church to “listen without judging and accompany those who suffer without excluding them.” In his message the Pope prays that “…the Church may be an ‘open house’ where people facing challenges to their mental health find welcome, dignity, and hope.” (Vatican News: Merio, Francesca, Pope’s October prayer intention: ‘For mental health ministry)

                  As someone who grew up Catholic in a time when the Catholic Church was not very accepting or understanding of mental illness, I am glad to see this. I experienced a lot of pain because of the Catholic Church’s teaching on mental illness when I was young. I remember the pain of being told suicide was a sin when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts. It made me feel like a bad person. It stole hope away from at a time when I really needed it. I remember being in Catholic high school and really struggling only to have a counselor who was from a Catholic charity organization tell me I had to stop thinking about suicide because it was wrong. She made me feel like I was at fault for my feelings. It drew me back to the teachings that suicide was a sin I had learned in religion classes.  Throughout high school I felt like I was at fault for my depression and suicidal thoughts. 

                  For years I had an up and down relationship with the Catholic Church. I hold a lot of anger inside of me for the way I was made to feel. It was wrong for me to have been blamed for what I was going through. I had an illness, but in those years, I was not allowed to know that. Instead, I was taught that it was a matter of good versus bad. So, to see the Catholic Church recognizing mental illness is welcomed, even if it is a bit late. 

                  I like that Pope Leo XIV wants the Church to be an “open house” for those of us with mental illness. We should be welcome into the Church. I remember seeing signs and hearing homilies about all being welcome in the Church, but I always felt I was not completely welcomed because my mental illness was seen as a bad thing. Now, under the pope’s leadership people with mental illness can walk through the doors of Church and feel safe with being open about what mental illness does to them. Pope Leo speaks about dignity and hope. That is exactly what we need. We need others to know that what we struggle with is an illness, not a fault. Perhaps, if that counselor years ago had treated me with dignity and provided me with hope, my life might have been different.

                  People with mental illness should be welcomed in all aspects of society. We have a lot to offer. Even though our mental illness makes life difficult for us, it does not limit the possibilities we hold. When we are treated with dignity and hope we can find healing. Churches should be welcoming to all. I still live with the hurt I experienced from the Catholic Church, but I can forgive. Pope Leo’s prayer intention and his efforts to give those of us living with mental illness hope is sign that the Church can grow.

 Luckily for me, I found other ways to find hope and dignity alongside my mental illness. The Church hurt me and many others, but being human means being able to forgive. I hope that the Church, and by that, I mean more than the institution. I mean the people of the Church from the priests and other religious to the people that worship in the Church. There needs to be real change. That change requires more than prayer. It requires action. All that I have seen from Pope Leo XIV gives me hope that he can lead the Church into action that is healing for people with mental illness and welcomes us into the Church. 

 

What Dolly Parton Taught Me About Kindness—and How It Can Help When Living with Depression

      On 9/25/26, most of the country celebrated 9 2 5 Day in honor of Dolly Parton. I grew up knowing Dolly Parton as a country singer. My dad had several of her albums. I especially remember a Christmas album featuring Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. He would play that over and over as he prepared the fish for our Italian American Christmas Eve family gathering.  Of course, I also remember watching the movie 9 to 5. 

So, my early memories of Dolly Parton are as a musician. In the last few years, I have learned more about Dolly the person. I have learned about all she has done to help others. There is her Imagination Library that places books in the hands of children promoting literacy. There are all her donations. The ones that have been mentioned since her passing in August are just a few of the donations she has made throughout her lifetime. As we listen to it all, there is an underlying theme, which I think Dolly herself would ask us to focus on, kindness. We all need to be kind.

Okay, this is a depression blog. Why am I talking about Dolly Parton? She did not suffer from depression. At least not that I know of. Her charitable work did not center on mental health. It is her mission to be kind to everyone that resonates with me at this moment. I find myself connecting it to depression. There are a couple ways kindness and depression are connected that jump out at me.

 

Being Kind to Our Minds: Challenging Negative Self-Talk

                  Often, when we live with depression, negativity takes over our lives. There is a darkness that settles over us. This darkness clouds how we feel about ourselves and how we see the world around us. We might have negative thoughts running through our minds. We might use self-talk that is defeating or hurtful. My experience is that once the negative thoughts about myself get going, it is difficult to stop them. 

What if by being kind to ourselves when we use self-talk, we could lift some of the depression? Kindness itself cannot make the negative thought patterns and the hurtful words we say to ourselves disappear. Turning a hurtful word into something kind might be able to give us a little boost. It might give us a moment of feeling better despite the darkness that floats around us. 

We can be kind to our minds by using phrases such as “I am trying my best”, “Things are hard right now, but I am doing the best I can,” or “Depression places a heavy weight on me. It is okay to go through bad times.” These phrases are an attempt to be kind. Being kind to ourselves might be giving a quick smile in the mirror. It could be engaging in an activity we enjoy or once enjoyed. Being kind to ourselves might be saying,”Today has been difficult. I am going to give myself a break.”    

We can also talk back to negative thinking. Maybe use a little sass, the way Dolly Parton sometimes acted. Comments to ourselves such as, “Hey, Depression, you are not in control. This is my mind. I get to determine how I feel.” We can turn being kind to our minds into whatever we need at the moment. There is a saying, “Kill them with kindness”. Maybe that is what we need to do to our minds when depression is in control.

 

Being Kind to Others: How Small Acts of Kindness Can Make a Difference

From the stories I have read or seen since she passed away, it is clear that Dolly believed in being kind to everyone. Dolly did little things and big things to let kindness grow around her. Just as it is important to be kind to ourselves, it is important to be kind to others.I know sounds like a cliche, but we should be kind to others because we never know what someone else is going through. Being kind can make a difference in the lives of others. 

I think about it this way. What if we encounter someone who is struggling with depression and maybe even contemplating taking their life? We are not going to know this about them just from being around them or maybe even from talking to them. How do we want to treat this person? Treating this person with kindness might make a difference in what they do next. 

Let me share from personal experience. There have been times when the depression I live with has been overwhelming. I have had suicidal thoughts. In these moments I usually withdraw into myself. At the same time these moments are lonely and isolating. What if someone took a moment to be kind to me? Could that change things? It might not erase the depression or even the suicidal thoughts, but it might interrupt those enough for me to get help. It might make me feel a little better about myself. 

 

A Little Kindness Can Go a Long Way

Approaching everyone as if we do not know what they are going through, can help others. It does not take much. A compliment. Holding a door open. Saying “hi”. Asking someone how they are. These are small examples of being kind. We can take being kind further. Maybe we bring cookies to a medical appointment. Maybe paying for the person behind you when you pick up your morning coffee. Giving a small, unexpected gift. Complimenting someone. These are all examples of how we can be kind to others. 

Most of us do not have the means to be kind on the level Dolly Parton was able to be kind. That is okay. The important thing is the act of kindness, not the size of the kindness. Can we each make an effort to do something kind every day? How much would that change our community? How much would that change us?

As someone living with depression, I know that when I am struggling, an act of kindness can lift my mood. I know I missed 9 2 5 Day, but I am hoping that by taking the time to share that kindness can help a person living with depression, maybe we can move toward more understanding of mental illness.

 

 

Depression and Therapy: Why Going to Therapy Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken

           Sometimes having depression makes it difficult to keep up with the things I would like to keep up with. Right now, that is happening a lot. Such is life with depression. I missed something last week that I should have posted about. September 25^th was National Psychotherapy Day. Therapy has been an important part of my mental health journey. So, even though I am a few days late, I want to discuss therapy. There are so many aspects of therapy that I can discuss, but I will keep it to a few here and then spiral back to the topic of therapy in future posts.

 

Therapy Doesn’t Mean You Are Broken

            First, it is important to know that going to therapy is not a sign that we are broken. Sometimes it is tough not to think that needing therapy means that something is wrong with us. Afterall, therapy is a treatment for mental illnesses. Here I think it is important to stress that having a mental illness means that we have health condition, not that we are broken.

In therapy we can work through the symptoms of our mental health disorder under the guidance of a mental health professional. We learn coping strategies and are guided in utilizing these strategies. We are given space to discuss what is causing us to struggle. We receive help coping with the weight of mental illness. This help is important because there is a stigma surrounding mental illness that tries to tell us that we are broken because of something we did. The stigma tells us we should be able to handle things on our own. Stigma lies to us. It lies to anyone who will listen. Going to therapy is not a sign that we are broken. It is sign that we have the strength to understand that we have an illness and are willing to receive the mental health care we need to deal with our mental illness. 

 

Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing” You

            Once we understand that going to therapy does not mean we are broken, we can begin to understand that we are not being “fixed” in therapy. Therapists do not have magical powers that make our mental illness magically disappear. Therapy is a safe space where we can talk through our experiences. In therapy we learn to understand patterns, process emotions, develop coping strategies, and build a different relationship with ourselves. There is no magic wand waved over us. Therapy requires work from both the person participating in therapy and the therapist. 

For some people short term therapy is enough. Others need it long term. Both are okay. I have been in therapy all my adult life. I am still discovering things about myself. I still benefit from working through the darkness of depression and the weight of anxiety. I know I need the support of my psychologist (therapist). At times he is a sounding board and allows me to talk through whatever is weighing on me. Other times he provides the guidance to help me process what I need to get through or to understand emotions that are coming up for me. My psychologist helps me separate what I am going through and how it makes me feel from who I am. We both work. No magic wand has ever been wayed. Together all this has allowed me to navigate life with a mental illness.  I have not been “fixed”. Rather, I have been provided with the skills and abilities to be myself.

 

Therapy Can Feel Uncomfortable at Times and That Is Okay

            Therapy is not always easy. It requires work that we sometimes are not ready or able to put in. A therapist can guide us through these times. There are times where we just need to be heard, but what we need to say might be heavy. It might be difficult to find the words we need to express something. A therapist will listen actively, reflect to us what we need hear, and provide strategies for coping with the situation. The therapist might need to say things that are hard to hear. They might need to guide us through something that is painful. Often, the only way to overcome something is to go through it. 

            There have been times when I have cried in therapy. There have been times when I have expressed emotions that required significant support. In these times, I could not hide from what I was going through. I had to listen to my psychologist explain something or provide a breakdown of what was happening within me. As much as I would have liked to crawl back into my shell and avoid things, my psychologist has pulled me through these times rather than allow me to slip around them. At times I have been in my darkest depths going into a therapy session. I needed the therapy process to bring me to a point where I could function safely on my own. That is uncomfortable. The thing about therapy is that we need to know going in that there will be times when we are uncomfortable, times when we want to give up. In these moments we need to trust our therapist and trust the process. We also need to trust ourselves and know that therapy is the right place. 

 

Showing Up for Therapy Is Brave

Sometimes the bravest part of therapy is simply showing up. Let me say that again, sometimes the bravest part of therapy is simply showing up. This is important. We do not need to have any answers going into therapy. We do not need to always have the words to explain what we are feeling or what we need. We can go into therapy scared. We can go into therapy overwhelmed and exhausted. We can go into therapy believing we cannot continue. The important thing is just showing up. It is brave to show up for therapy. While therapy asks us to do work, sometimes we just need to be in that space. Our therapist can provide the guidance. We just need to get there. The bravest thing we can do when the weight of a mental illness is bearing down on us is to show up for therapy. This true whether our symptoms are mild or have reached a serious level. The brave thing is saying, “I need help and I am willing to show up for therapy.”

 

Final Thoughts

            National Psychotherapy Day (Throughout this post I refer to therapy as being synonymous with psychotherapy) is time to recognize the work we do in therapy and the mental health professionals who provide therapy. Going to therapy does not mean we are broken or in need of fixing. It is a brave step we can take to heal. More people need to understand this. That is how we will break the stigma that surrounds going to therapy. Going to therapy when we have a mental illness or need support should be as normal as going to a doctor when we have a physical illness or injury. 

            For National Psychotherapy I would like to recognize and thank my psychologist. He has guided and supported me through so much. I know he knows how important he is in my journey. Still, I would like him to know how much I appreciate him. I have also received therapy form my psychiatrist and two psychiatric nurse practitioners. All three are a part of my mental health journey and I am grateful to them.

            If you are going to therapy, maybe take a moment to recognize your therapist and to say thank you. If you are inclined, you can do it in the comments and then give them the link to this post. Be sure to tell them to read the comments if you comment. 

Depression Is Not a Matter of Willpower: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

Can Depression Be Overcome with Willpower?

                  Many of us who live with depression and/or anxiety have been told we just need to push through it or use willpower to overcome what is bothering us. I cannot stress enough how asinine this expectation is. The reasons this effort to “help” those of living with these mental health disorders are ridiculous are numerous. As someone who has experienced being told that I just need to tell myself that I am fine or that I just need to smile, I can speak at length on this topic. So, let’s look at the reasons why no one should be expected to use their willpower to overcome a mental illness.

Depression and Anxiety Are Real Medical Conditions

                  First and foremost, depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders are medical conditions. They have a biological basis in the brain and nervous system. As such, these disorders require psychological or psychiatric intervention. We cannot overcome depression by just saying we will overcome it. We cannot stop being anxious just by saying “I am not anxious.” It would be like telling someone with cancer to just think positive and the cancer will go away or telling someone with a broken bone to just focus on the bone mending. No one would do either of these. People recognize that medical professionals need to intervene to cure cancer or to set a broken bone. We need to build an understanding that mental health disorders require medical professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychology to treat mental health disorders. 

                  There are coping strategies that are not medically or biologically based that can help ease some symptoms of mental health disorders. I have written about many on this blog. The difference between using a coping strategy and treating a mental health disorder is that coping strategies are focused on easing symptoms while treating a mental health disorder is focused on curing or dealing with the disorder itself. A coping strategy cannot make a mental health disorder go away. When a psychiatrist or other mental health professional treats depression, anxiety, or other disorder, they are focused on the origins of the disorder and how to alleviate symptoms to move the person toward healthier living.

Why “Just Think Positive” Can Make Depression Feel Worse

                  When a person tells someone with a depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorder to smile or try harder, it implies that the person is at fault. It calls out the person for not trying hard enough when that person has a medical condition that they did nothing to cause. These types of comments can create heavy self-blame in a person when their efforts are not enough. Imagine living with a condition that causes you to have negative thoughts and to feel a weight bearing down on top of you. Now, imagine living with that and having some tell you to think positive. When we live with mental health disorders our minds are already on overload with negative or anxious thoughts. Adding the expectation that we just need to think positive makes us feel worse. We feel like what we are feeling is somehow our fault. Our brains are wired to carry the negative. We do not need to have expectations that will lead to failure forced upon us.

                  Speaking for myself, I feel bad enough about living with depression and anxiety. My thoughts turn negative because of my disorders. There is a medical reason for my condition. If someone tells me I just need the willpower to stop the depression and anxiety, I am likely to shut down. I am going to feel pressure to do something that cannot be done without therapy and treatment. The person making these comments may have good intentions, but those intentions are lost in their inaccuracy and hurtfulness.

 

Why Telling Someone with Depression to “Try Harder” Can Be Harmful

                  Telling a person with a mental health disorder that they just need to try harder, or they need to think positive thoughts invalidates the pain the person is experiencing. It makes the false assumption that the mental health disorder can be healed with willpower. That makes it seem like the pain we experience is not real. Since mental health pain cannot be seen on the “outside”, it may not seem real to others. To the person experiencing the mental pain, it is very real. It can be debilitating. We cannot overcome things such as suicidal thoughts or intense anxiety just by saying we want to. Assuming we can, invalidates our pain and makes it seem like it is not real. Anyone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, intense anxiety, or deep depression can tell you how real these are. We do not need to be invalidated by others who do not understand.

How to Support Someone With Depression Without Invalidating Their Feelings

Living with a mental health disorder is difficult. Yes, we can reach points in our healing journey where we are doing well, but the disorder always lurks. We are always aware of it. If others recognized that what we experience is real and that willpower is not the answer to our problems, it would help us to feel accepted. It would reduce the stigma we feel. Trust me, we want to feel better. It is not a matter of wanting it enough or willpower. No amount of positive thinking can cure a mental health disorder. 

So, if you are reading this and you know someone with a mental health disorder, be careful in how you talk to them. Remember that their mental illness is a real illness and as such they need care from a mental health professional not a sermon on willpower.