Depression and Therapy: Why Going to Therapy Doesn’t Mean You’re Broken

           Sometimes having depression makes it difficult to keep up with the things I would like to keep up with. Right now, that is happening a lot. Such is life with depression. I missed something last week that I should have posted about. September 25^th was National Psychotherapy Day. Therapy has been an important part of my mental health journey. So, even though I am a few days late, I want to discuss therapy. There are so many aspects of therapy that I can discuss, but I will keep it to a few here and then spiral back to the topic of therapy in future posts.

 

Therapy Doesn’t Mean You Are Broken

            First, it is important to know that going to therapy is not a sign that we are broken. Sometimes it is tough not to think that needing therapy means that something is wrong with us. Afterall, therapy is a treatment for mental illnesses. Here I think it is important to stress that having a mental illness means that we have health condition, not that we are broken.

In therapy we can work through the symptoms of our mental health disorder under the guidance of a mental health professional. We learn coping strategies and are guided in utilizing these strategies. We are given space to discuss what is causing us to struggle. We receive help coping with the weight of mental illness. This help is important because there is a stigma surrounding mental illness that tries to tell us that we are broken because of something we did. The stigma tells us we should be able to handle things on our own. Stigma lies to us. It lies to anyone who will listen. Going to therapy is not a sign that we are broken. It is sign that we have the strength to understand that we have an illness and are willing to receive the mental health care we need to deal with our mental illness. 

 

Therapy Isn’t About “Fixing” You

            Once we understand that going to therapy does not mean we are broken, we can begin to understand that we are not being “fixed” in therapy. Therapists do not have magical powers that make our mental illness magically disappear. Therapy is a safe space where we can talk through our experiences. In therapy we learn to understand patterns, process emotions, develop coping strategies, and build a different relationship with ourselves. There is no magic wand waved over us. Therapy requires work from both the person participating in therapy and the therapist. 

For some people short term therapy is enough. Others need it long term. Both are okay. I have been in therapy all my adult life. I am still discovering things about myself. I still benefit from working through the darkness of depression and the weight of anxiety. I know I need the support of my psychologist (therapist). At times he is a sounding board and allows me to talk through whatever is weighing on me. Other times he provides the guidance to help me process what I need to get through or to understand emotions that are coming up for me. My psychologist helps me separate what I am going through and how it makes me feel from who I am. We both work. No magic wand has ever been wayed. Together all this has allowed me to navigate life with a mental illness.  I have not been “fixed”. Rather, I have been provided with the skills and abilities to be myself.

 

Therapy Can Feel Uncomfortable at Times and That Is Okay

            Therapy is not always easy. It requires work that we sometimes are not ready or able to put in. A therapist can guide us through these times. There are times where we just need to be heard, but what we need to say might be heavy. It might be difficult to find the words we need to express something. A therapist will listen actively, reflect to us what we need hear, and provide strategies for coping with the situation. The therapist might need to say things that are hard to hear. They might need to guide us through something that is painful. Often, the only way to overcome something is to go through it. 

            There have been times when I have cried in therapy. There have been times when I have expressed emotions that required significant support. In these times, I could not hide from what I was going through. I had to listen to my psychologist explain something or provide a breakdown of what was happening within me. As much as I would have liked to crawl back into my shell and avoid things, my psychologist has pulled me through these times rather than allow me to slip around them. At times I have been in my darkest depths going into a therapy session. I needed the therapy process to bring me to a point where I could function safely on my own. That is uncomfortable. The thing about therapy is that we need to know going in that there will be times when we are uncomfortable, times when we want to give up. In these moments we need to trust our therapist and trust the process. We also need to trust ourselves and know that therapy is the right place. 

 

Showing Up for Therapy Is Brave

Sometimes the bravest part of therapy is simply showing up. Let me say that again, sometimes the bravest part of therapy is simply showing up. This is important. We do not need to have any answers going into therapy. We do not need to always have the words to explain what we are feeling or what we need. We can go into therapy scared. We can go into therapy overwhelmed and exhausted. We can go into therapy believing we cannot continue. The important thing is just showing up. It is brave to show up for therapy. While therapy asks us to do work, sometimes we just need to be in that space. Our therapist can provide the guidance. We just need to get there. The bravest thing we can do when the weight of a mental illness is bearing down on us is to show up for therapy. This true whether our symptoms are mild or have reached a serious level. The brave thing is saying, “I need help and I am willing to show up for therapy.”

 

Final Thoughts

            National Psychotherapy Day (Throughout this post I refer to therapy as being synonymous with psychotherapy) is time to recognize the work we do in therapy and the mental health professionals who provide therapy. Going to therapy does not mean we are broken or in need of fixing. It is a brave step we can take to heal. More people need to understand this. That is how we will break the stigma that surrounds going to therapy. Going to therapy when we have a mental illness or need support should be as normal as going to a doctor when we have a physical illness or injury. 

            For National Psychotherapy I would like to recognize and thank my psychologist. He has guided and supported me through so much. I know he knows how important he is in my journey. Still, I would like him to know how much I appreciate him. I have also received therapy form my psychiatrist and two psychiatric nurse practitioners. All three are a part of my mental health journey and I am grateful to them.

            If you are going to therapy, maybe take a moment to recognize your therapist and to say thank you. If you are inclined, you can do it in the comments and then give them the link to this post. Be sure to tell them to read the comments if you comment. 

Depression Is Not a Matter of Willpower: Why “Just Try Harder” Doesn’t Work

Can Depression Be Overcome with Willpower?

                  Many of us who live with depression and/or anxiety have been told we just need to push through it or use willpower to overcome what is bothering us. I cannot stress enough how asinine this expectation is. The reasons this effort to “help” those of living with these mental health disorders are ridiculous are numerous. As someone who has experienced being told that I just need to tell myself that I am fine or that I just need to smile, I can speak at length on this topic. So, let’s look at the reasons why no one should be expected to use their willpower to overcome a mental illness.

Depression and Anxiety Are Real Medical Conditions

                  First and foremost, depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders are medical conditions. They have a biological basis in the brain and nervous system. As such, these disorders require psychological or psychiatric intervention. We cannot overcome depression by just saying we will overcome it. We cannot stop being anxious just by saying “I am not anxious.” It would be like telling someone with cancer to just think positive and the cancer will go away or telling someone with a broken bone to just focus on the bone mending. No one would do either of these. People recognize that medical professionals need to intervene to cure cancer or to set a broken bone. We need to build an understanding that mental health disorders require medical professionals in the fields of psychiatry and psychology to treat mental health disorders. 

                  There are coping strategies that are not medically or biologically based that can help ease some symptoms of mental health disorders. I have written about many on this blog. The difference between using a coping strategy and treating a mental health disorder is that coping strategies are focused on easing symptoms while treating a mental health disorder is focused on curing or dealing with the disorder itself. A coping strategy cannot make a mental health disorder go away. When a psychiatrist or other mental health professional treats depression, anxiety, or other disorder, they are focused on the origins of the disorder and how to alleviate symptoms to move the person toward healthier living.

Why “Just Think Positive” Can Make Depression Feel Worse

                  When a person tells someone with a depression, anxiety, or other mental health disorder to smile or try harder, it implies that the person is at fault. It calls out the person for not trying hard enough when that person has a medical condition that they did nothing to cause. These types of comments can create heavy self-blame in a person when their efforts are not enough. Imagine living with a condition that causes you to have negative thoughts and to feel a weight bearing down on top of you. Now, imagine living with that and having some tell you to think positive. When we live with mental health disorders our minds are already on overload with negative or anxious thoughts. Adding the expectation that we just need to think positive makes us feel worse. We feel like what we are feeling is somehow our fault. Our brains are wired to carry the negative. We do not need to have expectations that will lead to failure forced upon us.

                  Speaking for myself, I feel bad enough about living with depression and anxiety. My thoughts turn negative because of my disorders. There is a medical reason for my condition. If someone tells me I just need the willpower to stop the depression and anxiety, I am likely to shut down. I am going to feel pressure to do something that cannot be done without therapy and treatment. The person making these comments may have good intentions, but those intentions are lost in their inaccuracy and hurtfulness.

 

Why Telling Someone with Depression to “Try Harder” Can Be Harmful

                  Telling a person with a mental health disorder that they just need to try harder, or they need to think positive thoughts invalidates the pain the person is experiencing. It makes the false assumption that the mental health disorder can be healed with willpower. That makes it seem like the pain we experience is not real. Since mental health pain cannot be seen on the “outside”, it may not seem real to others. To the person experiencing the mental pain, it is very real. It can be debilitating. We cannot overcome things such as suicidal thoughts or intense anxiety just by saying we want to. Assuming we can, invalidates our pain and makes it seem like it is not real. Anyone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, intense anxiety, or deep depression can tell you how real these are. We do not need to be invalidated by others who do not understand.

How to Support Someone With Depression Without Invalidating Their Feelings

Living with a mental health disorder is difficult. Yes, we can reach points in our healing journey where we are doing well, but the disorder always lurks. We are always aware of it. If others recognized that what we experience is real and that willpower is not the answer to our problems, it would help us to feel accepted. It would reduce the stigma we feel. Trust me, we want to feel better. It is not a matter of wanting it enough or willpower. No amount of positive thinking can cure a mental health disorder. 

So, if you are reading this and you know someone with a mental health disorder, be careful in how you talk to them. Remember that their mental illness is a real illness and as such they need care from a mental health professional not a sermon on willpower.

 

 

Depression and Feeling Out of Place: When Even Simple Things Feel Overwhelming

                  Depression is difficult to live with. It can bury us in darkness. It can feel like a heavy weight pushing us down. These are aspects of depression that are commonly discussed when depression is allowed to be discussed. There are other aspects of depression that deserve attention. These include being overwhelmed by what seem like simple decisions, not knowing how to express what we are feeling, loneliness, and a feeling of being out of place. Each of these on their own are difficult to manage. When they build up together, what seem like the milder symptoms of depression are magnified.

                  Today I would like to discuss these. I have experienced each. I know so many others have, too. We each experience these symptoms in different ways, but there are commonalities. One important commonality is that each requires support. In some cases that support needs to be professional. In other instances, a friend or family member can be a source of support. 

 

Why Depression Makes Simple Decisions Feel Overwhelming

                  When we are depressed simple decisions like what to make for dinner, can become overwhelming. We might have difficulty deciding what to wear. Deciding whether we should go to the grocery store in the morning or afternoon can become an overwhelming decision. In my experience, it is not necessarily the decision itself that is overwhelming. It is the need to make the decision. 

As an example, today I tried to get new tires. The service guy said I could try to walk in tomorrow or schedule an appointment for Saturday. Because I am struggling with depression right now, this decision is looming over me, and I cannot decide between the two. I wanted to ask someone to help me decide, but I could not decide who to ask. So, as I write this, the decision is still unmade. I am likely to stress over it again later. This is one of the ways depression works in my life.

 

What makes decision-making difficult when we have depression

·      Low-Energy – This is a common effect of depression that makes it difficult to generate the mental effort necessary to make choices. 

·      Difficulty Concentrating – Since depression can affect attention and working memory, it can be difficult to store and use the information necessary to make decisions.

·      Indecisiveness – Every choice can feel uncertain or very important. When this happens making even a simple choice becomes difficult.

·      Negative Thinking – When we live with depression, we often focus on the negative. This can make choices feel riskier. As this happens, it is difficult to decide.

·      Self-Doubt – Another aspect of depression is the tendency to believe we cannot do something or that we are always wrong. This type of thinking leads to self-doubt and can impact our ability to make decisions.

 

Why Depression Can Make It Difficult to Express Feelings

                  Sometimes despite how strong our feelings can be, it may be difficult to express what we are feeling. We might have difficulty saying, “I feel really down right now,” or “Everything feels so heavy.” This is not uncommon when we are struggling with depression. The feelings and/or thoughts feel so strong in our minds, but when we try to express them, we freeze. Sometimes it is because our mind is overwhelmed and does not know what to say. Other times it is because we experience a type of paralysis that freezes our ability to share what we are feeling. Maybe our brains are telling us that no one else will understand or that no one else will care. When we start thinking like this, we shrink into ourselves and do not feel safe sharing what we are feeling. 

                  Sometimes we can express how we are feeling abstractly, but do not know how to express it in a way others will understand. We might not take the risk of sharing because what we created as an expression of our feelings seems like something others would not understand. We shut down and do not share how we are feeling.

 

Depression, Loneliness, and Social Isolation

                  I think loneliness is growing problem in society even with people who are not living with depression. Technology has taken over our lives and led us to be farther apart. With depression, loneliness is a common issue. We feel like others will not understand us. We fear rejection because of our illness. So, we retreat into ourselves, unable to share what we are going through. This leads to isolation that while often self-imposed, makes us feel lonely. We might feel like we are too different for others to want to interact with us. 

                  Many things can occur when we isolate because of depression. We might see an increase in negative thoughts. Withdrawing from social activities can lead to increased withdrawal. When we are stuck by ourselves, we have far fewer positive experiences. This can make our depression feel worse. Our symptoms can become more overwhelming. The more we withdraw, the more we lose motivation to be involved with others. Maybe an even more serious issue is that withdrawing into loneliness can lead to increased hopelessness. 

 

Why Depression Can Make You Feel Out of Place

                  One thing that can happen with depression is a feeling out of place, disconnected, or like we do not belong. We can feel this separation even when we are around other people. Sometimes it is because we have difficulty connecting with others emotionally. We might feel numb or detached, which can make it difficult to interact with others. Living with depression can give us a sense of being different. We might feel like others cannot possibly understand what we are going through. 

                  Depression can lead us to lose interest in socializing or activities we used to enjoy. This may not mean that we do not want to socialize or engage in activities we once enjoyed. It means we have lost the ability to get ourselves motivated to do be social or participate in things. It might be that we just do not feel like we belong with others. Or it may be that there is so much going on in our minds that we do not have the capacity to be involved with others. There can be this sense of feeling out of place because it might look like everything is coming so easy to others while we are struggling just to get by. That feeling of being out of place is generated by depression and increases depression at the same time. This is a reminder of just how difficult it can be to live with depression.

 

What Can Help When Depression Feels Overwhelming?

                  Living with depression is difficult. We cannot dismiss how difficult even the little things can be. I refer to them as little things, but they really are not that little. Whether it is being overwhelmed or feeling out of place, depression can rob us of our ability to interact with others and to engage in life. Depression can make what should be simple things difficult. But we need to remember that we can get through depression. There are things we can do to help ourselves through difficult times. 

 

Strategies to Get through the Tough Times

·      Talk to a mental health provider – The support they can provide is valuable and can make a difference.

·      Pre-write scripts to use when we do not have the words to express what we are feeling or what we need. We can keep these in a journal, on our restroom mirror, or on our phone. 

·      Chat with a friend or loved one – We can provide these individuals ways to recognize we are struggling in advance. This can help them know we are struggling and know how to help.

·      Attend a support group – This can be a way to share with others who are experiencing similar situations. NAMI has support groups throughout the country. Check out NAMI Connection.

·      Try practicing what we want to say to others about what we are going through or how we want to socialize with a beloved pet. This takes the scariness out of the conversation and allows us to practice what we need to say and or do.

·      Engage in an activity that calms or energizes us. Practice these activities when doing well so that when we need to engage in them for support, the activities will help us. 

 

    Depression is difficult. Some days will be more difficult than others. Being aware of what we need to get through difficult times is important and can make a difference. It is also important to be kind to ourselves. That is not an easy thing to do when we live with depression, but we need to try.

 

How Art Can Help with Depression and Anxiety: Creative Activities for Better Mental Health

Introduction: Discovering the Mental Health Benefits of Art

 

                  I never thought of myself as an artist. Writing has always been my creative avenue. Over the last few years, I have discovered that I need more. So, I started looking into how art benefits mental health and then picked up a paintbrush. 

Art can be used to relieve stress. It can also ease anxiety. Art helps distract me when depression feels like it is pushing me down. I would like to share some of what I have learned and experienced. I will also share some other art practices that can be useful. Then I will end with short practice we can all try.

                  Before I start here are two of my previous posts that share more specific information on using art with mental illness: Art and Depression and How Art Helps Depression and Anxiety: Ways Creativity Can Improve Mental Health.

                  My entrance into art started with a Paint Nite a friend asked me to go to with her. We enjoyed a night of learning to paint a night scene with trees. I have gone to other Paint Nites since and learned to paint with acrylic paint.  I found these to be calming and distracting. The thoughts that feel so heavy with depression and anxiety get push down by task of learning how to paint the scene. From there I learned the art of paint pouring which soothes me when I am anxious. Both acrylic painting and paint pouring give me a sense of accomplishment that helps lift my mood.

 

Exploring Markers, Patterns, and Mindful Creativity

                  One thing I do now when I am anxious is draw rows of circles in a sketchpad reserved just for anxiety drawing. I keep the pattern the same. For me six rows of five circles helps reduce anxiety. I usually draw patterns in the circle. The whole thing is repetitive which helps interrupt repetitive thoughts. It may sound strange that repetition can interrupt repetitive thoughts, but I have found that it works.  Sometimes I use color as part of the patterns. I always name the piece when I am done. That helps provide a little closure. 

                  Coloring books help me, too. There is a sense of calmness that comes with just allowing myself to color. I try to focus on the image and what I want it to look like when I am done. 

                  Recently, I have been playing with markers. There is a routine to how I approach it. First, I draw two curving lines across the blank page. I have been using gold and silver for this. Although, for an earth tones inspired piece, I used dark brown. If the spaces created by the curving lines seem too large, I add a third curving line. Then I choose a color scheme. With markers I color in the different spaces. I try not to think too much. I keep my focus on the color I am using and what shades of that color will go well in the adjacent spaces. A few times I have placed art tape on the blank page first. I remove it when I am done with markers. It leaves a pattern of white lines.

 

Art Activities to Try for Depression and Anxiety

 

·      Mandala Drawing: In mandala drawing we repeat circles, patterns and symmetry. This can give our attention something predictable to focus on, which can be calming when our thoughts are scattered. 

·      Doodling: We have all probably doodled at some point in our lives. Maybe in a boring class or while on a phone call. When we doodle there is no need to make something “good”. Doodling is a way to occupy our hands while at the same time it reduces our need to ruminate on something.

·      Mindful Coloring: There are many mindful coloring books available. Many of these have intricate patterns that offer structure without requiring us to come up with an idea on our own. Selecting colors and filling in the spaces can reduce anxiety and calm a mind filled with depressive thoughts.

·      Collage: When we cut out and arrange images, colors, and textures we are doing something tactile that allows us to express how we are feeling.

·      Zentangle: This is something that I am just starting to explore. It is a method of structured, repetitive patterns or tangles, on small pieces of paper. There is usually no advanced planning. When using this for anxiety relief, the predictable repetition gives our attention something concrete to focus on and in so doing, interrupts cycles of worry or rumination. Zentangle practice can help with depression by providing approachable small increments to work on. It also provides a sense of accomplishment without requiring much energy or artistic ability.

 

There are many art forms that are useful when battling depression and anxiety.

Tutorial videos can be found on YouTube. A local craft store may have books. I have some mindful coloring books and a couple Zentangle books that were purchased on Amazon. Search for what seems approachable and calming for you.

 

A Simple 10-Minute Art Practice for Anxiety and Depression

Try this with a blank piece of paper:

 

1.        Put your pen down and make one continuous, slowly wandering line for 1–2 minutes.

2.        Whenever the line crosses itself, round the intersection.

3.        Pick one small section and fill it with dots.

4.        Fill another with waves, another with spirals, another with little leaves or whatever mark feels natural.

5.        Continue for 10 minutes without judging the result.

6.        At the end, spend 30 seconds noticing three things you can see, two things you can feel physically, and one sound you can hear.

 

Final Thoughts: You Don't Have to Be an Artist

                  We do not need to be artistic to enjoy the mental health benefits of art. We just need to be willing to try something different. Start small. Do not overwhelm yourself. Try to avoid judgement. The focus should be on the practice of the art not the final product. 

 

Suicidal Thoughts and Depression: Finding Reasons to Stay for Another Monday

                 September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Last year I wrote a series of posts about suicide on this blog. This month I want to share something related to suicide prevention awareness that I feel is extremely important to understand. Let me start by saying that I have lived with suicidal thoughts for almost 40 years. The severity has fluctuated over the years. At times these thoughts have led me to the edge of taking my life. Other times the thoughts have been what is considered passive suicidal thoughts, meaning the thoughts are there but the intention is not. I would like to write about the things that make want to stay for another Monday. The focus being on the “stay” part. Wanting to stay indicates wanting to live. 

I Want to See Another Monday

                  Sometimes when we live with depression, we can be overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. There are thoughts of wanting to die. For me there are times when the thought is just a passing thought and other times when it becomes persistent. I am still here for a couple reasons. One is the incredible mental health team that has supported me. The other reason is that I want to stay to see another Monday. Really it could be any day. I am using Monday here because it is the start of the week.

                  What makes me want to see another Monday? It is the little things, I think. Starting my morning off with a caramel cold brew from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf is one. The rich taste of coffee paired with smooth caramel gives me a boost each morning. The baristas always greet me by name and remember my drink order. That seems like something little, but it makes feels welcomed and known. That is a reason to live. 

                  Another thing that makes me want to see another Monday is music. Whether I am feeling down or want to feel alive, I find hope in music. Some days it is my go-to bands, Styx and Jefferson Airplane. These bands hold so much of the depression for me. I think a lot of people can relate to music being uplifting, but for me it is more than that. I find safety in music. I can relate to certain songs and know things will be okay. It was a song by Grace Slick of the Jefferson Airplane that first brought me back from the brink of suicide as a teenager. That song, “Let It Go”, still reminds me that life is worth living. In the years since I have discovered other music and other musicians that make me feel that I want to stay to listen to what they will release next or go to see them in concert the next time they are nearby. I need to stay to see another Monday to do that.

                  My niece and nephew make me want to see another Monday. They are young adults now. Time sure does fly. I want to see what life brings them. I want to watch them explore what life has to offer. I want to be a witness to their milestones. I want to hear their stories when I visit them. I want to be the aunt they want to share their lives with, not the aunt who left them.

                  I want to see another Monday because I beat cancer, and I did not fight cancer to let depression win. Seeing another Monday means I will have another round of my treatment to prevent the cancer from coming back. Seeing another Monday means I am fighting to live and that I have strength left inside of me. I am moving forward in life and not hitting a stopping point.

                  Seeing another Monday means that the efforts of my mental health team have meant something. It means I did not let them down. Each Monday I see means I am taking their efforts and utilizing them in my life. I am living because they have been by my side helping me realize that I want to see the next Monday. 

                  Maybe seeing another Monday means I will watch The Big Bang Theory for the umpteenth time and laugh at a scene I have memorized. It means I will have my comfort show on the television while my dog, Panda sleeps at my feet. Panda is another reason I want to see another Monday. We still have many walks to take. Panda has a lot of trees to sniff while I stand taking in the sights around me.

                  I want to live to see another Monday because I want to see who wins the WNBA Championship. Will the Lynx finally get past the Aces? What about the 2028 Olympics? Can the US Women’s Olympic team hold off France again? There is so much women’s basketball to watch. 

                  Seeing a new Monday every week means I am working to heal. It is easy to slip into the suicidal thoughts. The fight against those thoughts is not easy. I live with depression. Suicidal thoughts are a part of depression. There are more of us living with depression and suicidal thoughts than most people think. Each of us battles in our own way. Each of us wants to see another Monday. The thing is depression and suicidal thoughts can be loud. I think focusing on living to see another Monday and all that Monday, holds are ways we can focus our battle. Focusing on seeing the next Monday gives us a way to measure where we are at. It gives us a way to focus on something achievable. So, for now, I want to see the next Monday, and the one after that. And…

Things Depression Steals From Us That No One Talks About

                On Monday I wrote about finding the little joys (Finding Joy with Depression: Small Ways to Bring More Joy into Your Life) when you live with depression. Today, I would like to discuss why I cannot stress enough how important it is to find things that bring us joy. There are many things that depression takes from us that do not get as much attention as the more common struggles. These losses are something we often suffer in silence. If we are lucky, we have a mental health provider to share with. Even when we have a provider to share with, like I do, sometimes we hold back things we think others will not understand or things we feel embarrassed to share. Other times the losses have changed us in a way that leaves unaware of what we have lost on a conscious level, but still holding that loss in other ways.

                  Depression has taken a lot from me. I have written about these things many times on this blog. What I have neglected to share are the less obvious things depression takes. So, I will share the things I experience. There are definitely other things people with depression can experience. Each of us experience depression in our own unique way. So, not everyone will share the same experiences I write about, but I think we can learn from people’s stories. Here’s mine.

                  One thing that has been taken from me is ambition. This pops up in different ways. I have been content not to grow much in my role as a special education teacher. When others brought up the idea that I should earn a doctorate in education, I scoffed. Said I was too busy. That was just an excuse to hide the part of me that does not believe in my abilities. The voice of depression gnawed at me. Told me I am not smart enough.  The same thing happened when the thought of getting an administrative credential came up, I ran from it. I have the experience in special education that could have led me to be a special education administrator. Depression prevented me from believing I could succeed in that role. Depression drags me down. Ambition disappears, 

                  Another thing that was taken from was the ability to be intimate in many ways. I have not dated since I was in my 20s and even then, it was very limited. I do not know what it is like to have different relationships. There is always a shield around me keeping others at a distance. This is depression at work. It fills my mind with thoughts that I need to be alone or that I belong alone. I am so accustomed to being alone that I feel like I do not even want to try to build relationships. 

                  Another thing depression stole from me is the ability to believe compliments. I always believe the worst about myself. I never believe I am good enough. That is depression shouting in my head. It is very difficult for me to accept a compliment. My mind tells me that I am a fraud. It tells me I did not earn the compliment. This is self-doubt, created by depression, at work. 

                  Rather than go on about myself, I am going to share some things people with depression commonly feel are stolen from them. I experience some of them. Not every person experiences them all, but these are commonly felt.

 

·      Pleasure of small rituals like a morning coffee or watching the sunset

·      Curiosity – We may give up wonder when reading or watching tv or a movie.

·      Sense of humor – Even if we understand a joke, we lose the ability to laugh.

·      Desire to take pictures of ourselves - We do not want to see ourselves. 

·      Ability to receive affection – Even when we are told we are loved, we question why, or doubt that love.

·      Sense of identity – The depression becomes who we are. We say “my depression” or identify ourselves as depressed instead of a person with depression. This is one area that I am currently working on.

·      Memories – We might start to lose memories of our past selves. 

·      The ability to celebrate ourselves - We might put ourselves down or not recognize when we have earned recognition.

·      Sense of belonging – We can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I should have included this one in my experiences because this is a loss I know well.

·      The belief that things will get better – We can lose that hope that things will improve. We stop believing that we can overcome the depression.

 

These losses are a part of why depression can be so difficult to live with. Depression

steals so much from us. With some of these things, we lose sight of what is being stolen. We grow so accustomed to what depression does to us that we do not know what we have lost or how much we need the things that are take from us. 

                  One of my early posts on this blog, Depression Is a Thief, shares what it is like to have so much stolen by depression. Often, we become complacent and do not try to regain these things. It is not that we do not want them. It is more that depression teaches us that we do not deserve them. Not only is depression a thief. It is a liar. We can have ambition. We can celebrate ourselves. We do belong. We can be curious. We can believe in our ability to get better.