How to Find Things to Look Forward to When You Have Depression: Small Steps That Build Hope

                  When you live with mental illness life is often very closed off. We isolate for various reasons. Sometimes it is because we do not feel up to engaging in activities. Sometimes people are so used to us canceling plans that they stop inviting us. Often, we mentally and physically cannot do things. Despite this we cannot give up. We need to engage.

                  In my last post How to Find Joy in the Little Things When You Live with Depression: Simple ways to notice hope, comfort, and small moments of happiness during difficult days I discussed finding joy in moments. Today, I would like to talk about the looking forward. There is a little mental health pick me up trick that can help improve our mood. Simply put, this pick me up is having something to look forward to. Sounds simple, right?. It probably is simpler than we think, but maybe we need a little help figuring out how we can focus on having something to look forward to each day. 

                  One of the reasons we need things to look forward to is that our minds need to know that there is more to life than being in survival mode. There is more to life than the darkness that depression throws on us. Having something to look forward to can break the grip depression or other mental illnesses have on us. Having something to look forward to tells us “Hey, you have this positive coming up!” 

                  Before I jump into ways to set up things to look forward to/things to anticipate, I would like to say that I think it is important to balance what we look forward to with noticing what we have already experienced. Those little joys that I discussed in my last post are equally as important as having something to anticipate. Living with mental illness is hard. Balancing these two is not easy. I recommend the balance because if we are caught up in only thinking about what has happened, we can miss what can happen. By the same token if we are always anticipating and not doing, we have no memories to make. Life, in general, requires balance. So, I just encourage all of us to balance what we anticipate with the joys we notice.

 

 

How do we gather things to anticipate?

                  Here are a few ideas that can help us start anticipating things that will bring us joy even as we battle depression:

    Create Little Things: When we are looking at the future it is often easier to keep things small. We can get lost in the big goals. So, let’s start by creating a “Little Things” List. This can include things like:

o   Going for a walk tomorrow morning

o   Meeting a friend for lunch

o   Watching the season finale of a favorite television show

o   Picking up our favorite coffee on our way to work

o   Carving out time for reading a book by a favorite author or in a favorite genre

    Be Intentional in Our Anticipation: We can allow anticipation to be part of our experience. We might 

o   Read reviews of a movie we plan to see

o   Check out the menu of a restaurant we plan to eat at

o   Watch a YouTube video about a place we plan to visit

o   Talk to a friend about something we plan to do together.

    Decrease the Effort Needed to Say Yes to Something: Enjoyable activities often require a bit of effort. I am talking about the little things that people who do not live with depression might not think about. Here are some examples:

o   Lay our clothes out the night before we plan to do something. This can take the planning and decision making out of preparation.

o   Keep the book we want to read next to our reading spot.

o   Have the friend or family member we are doing something with pick us up.

o   Create a hobby space. This will make it easier to engage in a hobby.

    Create a Future Interest List: Sometimes we do not do things or anticipate something because we do not know what we want to do. Maybe our mind gets overwhelmed when we try to think about what we want to do. Having a list of activities we are interested in doing, allows us to “pick one off the list” and plan it. These lists help up find things to do without being overwhelmed trying to think of something from scratch. We might have a set of lists. Including:

o   Movies we want to watch

o   Restaurants we want to eat at

o   Areas we want to walk in

o   Books we want to read

o   Places we want to visit

o   Hobbies we would like to try

    Set Up Recurring Events: Sometimes it helps if we have a few things that we do every week or at set times. Recurring events take the process of thinking of new things out of process. The predictability also makes things easier when we live with depression. Our mind does not have the added pressure of deciding what to do. Examples of recurring ideas include:

o    A set time to talk to a friend

o   A daily walk with our pet time

o   A set night to go to a restaurant or pick up food

o   A monthly movie day

o   A regular day or two to get coffee from our favorite coffee shop

 

        All of the above show how important structure can be for us. When we can plan things in advance, we are more likely to engage. Notice that most of these things are smaller things. It is important to have these small things to look forward to. It is easier to follow through on small things. When we plan something that we know we are likely to follow through on, our brains are more likely to help us follow through. This develops hope because our brains start to learn that we follow through on doing the small, planned things. Doing these activities allows us to feel joy. 

                  Going back to my previous post (mentioned above), we can “keep evidence” of what we have done, especially if we enjoyed it. Maybe we do this by keeping a list on our phone of the things we have done. We might write about what we have done in a journal. We can keep evidence without words by taking pictures. We might set up a folder on our phone to keep pictures of the things we have engaged in. Whatever way we keep evidence, the important thing is that we have a way to remember that we can engage, and we have engaged. We can look back on this evidence when we are struggling. Seeing our evidence can provide the little push we need to re-engage. 

                  Living with depression often leads us to isolate. This isolation is not healthy mentally or physically. We need to find ways to engage in life. If you do not have anyone to engage in activities with or you just need a little help, I would suggest finding a NAMI Connections support group. Click on the link to find a group near you. Once we start engaging, we will find ourselves doing more. We just need to take one step at a time. We just need one thing to look forward to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Find Joy in the Little Things When You Live with Depression: Simple ways to notice hope, comfort, and small moments of happiness during difficult days

    Have you ever had an experience where everything felt good even for a brief moment? I am not talking about something big. I am talking about the little things - the taste of great cup of coffee, the feel of the ocean breeze, the compliment from a colleague, an unexpected thank you. These are the moments when things unexpectedly go our way. They are the moments we could miss if we are not paying attention. Take a second to think about the times you have experienced one of these moments. It may seem hard, but we all experience these moments.

There are rare moments in our lives when we experience things feeling right. Actually, they may not be as rare as they seem. Two questions come to mind: how do we spot these moments? and how do we look back and spot the moments that have already occurred? Both are important. From a mental health perspective, it is important to embrace the moments when things feel right. These moments are the moments that give us hope. Those of us living with mental illness know that hope can be illusive. So, if we can start with the little moments, we can build toward embracing hope and living with joy.

I am not naïve enough to believe that noticing the little positives is going to make our mental illnesses disappear. It is not going to take away all the pain we live with. It will, however, allow us to learn to experience joy when it appears.

 

How Do We Spot the Little Joys in Our Lives

                  There are different ways we can spot the little joys in our lives. These may not be easy, but nothing is easy when you live with mental illness. So, give these a try. Pick one or two as a starting point. See where it takes you.

 

·      Lower the bar for what counts as joy – Joy isn’t always happiness, excitement, or gratitude. It can be little things. Consider the following as joy:

o   Your pet cuddling up against your leg

o   Your favorite song being played on the radio

o   A good cup of coffee

o   Finishing a task

o   Sunlight coming through your window

·      Pay attention to what interests you – Sometimes joy can come from curiosity. Ask yourself questions as you go about your day. It can be hard to be positive all the time, but maybe we can still be curious. We might ask:

o   What do I find comforting?

o   What was interesting about the show I just watched?

o   What color combinations in nature interest me?

o   What places make me feel comfortable?

·      Allow yourself time to take in good moments – It can take time to realize that something makes us happy or brings us joy. What we can do is give things an extra bit of time to evolve. This can involve:

o    Noticing the sensations we are experiencing. I mean really noticing them.Don’t leta sensation just pass. As you are experiencing the sensation, allow yourself to really experience it. Maybe ask yourself what you are experiencing. If we speak it (even in your mind), it becomes more real and it becomes a part of your memory.

·      Keep evidence – Take notes on the experiences that bring you joy, even if it is

something small. Our phones can be a great tool for this. Keep a list on your phone of the little things that allow you to feel a bit of joy. It does not need to be long. It could just be something like “saw a beautiful sunset”, “my coffee had more flavor today”, “friend texted me”, or “finished a work task.” The purpose is to keep evidence that the little joys did occur. It is evidence that it can happen. Sometimes when we are struggling, going back and seeing the evidence can be helpful.

·      Notice when you feel relief – Noticing is a skill that is important to develop. Sometimes things slip by us. We do not notice when we feel better or when something has improved. What if we tried to notice relief. Relief can be a joy. We can recognize that the absence of suffering is a good thing. We can recognize:

o   A backache that eases

o   Sitting on a sofa quietly after a rough day

o   Something we worried about not happening

·      Do not force yourself to be grateful – We do not need to be filled with gratitude all the time. Sometimes we just need to notice what is around us and let that be enough. Not everything in our lives is a positive or worthy of remembering. Gratitude is important, but we do not need to force it upon ourselves. 

 

What Do We Do with the Little Joys

                  As I mentioned, keeping evidence of the little joys is important. We can use our lists to remind us that good things do happen when we are struggling. Right now, I am at a point where I am working on noticing the little things. Yesterday I noticed that the barista put a squeeze more caramel in caramel cold brew. Sometimes I notice colors in nature. That is a little thing that is really big for me because color means a lot to me. Other times a favorite song plays on the radio.

                  What have I done with these little things? With my caramel cold brew, I sipped a little slower. I gazed at the mountain where the colors stood out to me. I stayed in my car to listen to a favorite song. These are little things, but in the moment, they make me feel better. The feeling may only last for a bit, but while it lasts, it feels good.

                  I searched online but did not really find much on how to embrace these little moments, at least not from the perspective I was searching for. So, I have shared what I do with a few little things. I am by no means an expert. I am just a person with lived mental illness experience who is trying to use my experience to help others. If you have read this far, I hope you found something here that helps. 

                  Here is to embracing the little, good things in our lives. Take a moment now and allow yourself to find one thing. If you are up to it, share what you find in the comments.

  

 

 

 

Fictional Comfort: Why People with Depression and Anxiety Rewatch the Same TV Shows

 Fictional Comfort

 

Fictional characters on a television screen comfort me.

Bring me laughter at the end of a tough day.

I find pleasure in their antics.

Safety in watching a television show I have seen many times.

The characters become my friends,

Filling a real-life void.

These characters do not see my darkness.

They just accept me for who I am.

For thirty-minute blocks I am a part of their world

And they mine.

I find companionship as I watch.

I know every scene, can recite the dialogue.

Still, I watch.

I am safe here in front of my television screen.

I laugh with these characters,

Smile as I feel a part of their friendship.

This is my nightly routine.

Engaged with fictional characters on a television screen

I do not feel quite so alone.

My fictional friends comfort me.

 

 

                  I share the above poem to show how a when we live with depression and/or anxiety, sometimes we need the familiarity of what we know. This can be especially true with television or movies. I know there has been some research into that, but I will start by sharing my experience and attempt to weave in what experts say.

                  I find that I watch the same show repeatedly. When I am watching it, I feel a sense of being in a safe space. For me the show that brings me this sense of familiarity and safety is The Big Bang Theory. I have watched every episode many times, probably more than even I would guess. When I am feeling depressed or anxious, I know I can turn this show on and feel some comfort.

                  As I watch The Bang Theory I feel less alone. Often, because of my illnesses and situation in life I feel alone. There is rarely anyone else around. So, the characters on the show I have watched over and over, have become like my friends. I feel close to them. I feel like I know them and can let them into my home and my life. Of course, we do not have any literal interactions, but there is a feeling of connectedness. Like the poem says, these fictional characters have become my friends. Unlike the actual people in my life, my “friends” on The Big bang Theory do not see the darkness that is the depression and anxiety I live with. They have never experienced me canceling plans because I just couldn’t do it. They have never witnessed me withdraw into myself because my mind was telling me life was not worth living. The characters do not know I am there, but I see and hear them. 

                  I guess it seems strange to say these characters are my “friends.” When I say this, I really mean I feel the ease of a friendship when The Big Bang Theory is on my television screen. Most of the time, now, I do not pay attention. I might be writing, doing some type of art, scrolling on my phone, or just sitting there. Still, there is comfort in having it on. I hear them talking. I can look up and know exactly what is going on because I have seen every episode so many times. Being able to do that eases my anxiety. The predictability allows my mind to rest. It does not need to think about what might happen next or what a character might do. 

                  As you might guess, I do not watch much else on television. Occasionally, I can get myself to watch a different show. It usually needs to be a 30-minute show. Sometimes I can watch the Food Network for a short time. I usually stick to Guy Fieri’s shows when I do. I am not sure why. There must be a sense of familiarity there. Even with women’s basketball, which I love, I find myself struggling to watch games if the depression or anxiety are impacting me strongly.

                  You might be able to guess that I do not do well with movies. In fact, I will only go to a movie with my friend, Carol, who I have known for 28 years. If I am interested in the movie I can get through it with smaller amounts of anxiety. If it is something I might not have thought to see, but she really wanted to see, my anxiety my get a little higher during the movie. I can handle it because I am with my friend and there is comfort and familiarity in that. I also find comfort and a bit of joy in knowing my friend is happy.

                  So, we have looked at needing familiarity when watching television shows as a person living with depression and anxiety from my prospective. What do others say? Is my experience something strange or do other people share in my experience? 

                  A 2023 article on Health Watch Essex notes that anxious people deal with more cognitively. It mentions how when our brains reach capacity, they cannot take more cognitive information. Watching a television show that we have watched repeatedly does not add to our cognitive load. We get a good feeling from the familiarity of the show, but our brains get a break.

                  A Psychology Today article from 2022 written by Robert N. Kraft, PhD discusses watching the same shows over and over. He discusses what is called The Mister Rogers Effect. When we know what is going to happen, we feel a sense of order and safety. Research indicates that this is even more true when a person feels they have less control in their lives. The Mister Rogers Effect gets its name from the familiar routine that Mr. Rogers went through at the start of every show. It is thought that this brought comfort and stability to the children in his audience. Much the same way rewatching a familiar television show may do the same thing for people with depression and anxiety. 

                  Kraft discusses what he calls parasocial relationships. These are one-sided relationships in which the one person (the character) does not know about the relationship. This character fulfills a social need. Being in a parasocial relationship with a television character allows a person to be in “reliable” relationships with “friends” who do what we expect them to do. 

                  As I reflect on the information I just shared, I realize that what I am doing with The Big Bang Theoryreally is not that uncommon. Or if it is uncommon, it is still has an explanation, and is fulfilling a need for me. I need to be able to think less because depression and anxiety take up a lot of space in my mind. I need “friends” I can rely on to do what I expect. I also need an escape even if it is into a world I have seen many times. Fictional characters (I think the same may be true for characters in a beloved novel or other piece of literature.) can provide us with comfort, familiarity, and a sense of safety. My need for this keeps me from being up to date on the latest binge-worthy show. That is okay. I am comfortable with my “friends’ from The Big Bang Theory. As someone living with depression and anxiety, it is important that I am comfortable. So, if you have a show that you return to often, know that you are not alone. 

Just a thought, the same reasoning as I have shared may also be why we have go-to songs in our lives. How many of us have a playlist that we listen to often? Maybe this is an idea for a future post.

                  

 

 

                  

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.