How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.

                   

I Am Not My Mental Illness: Separating Your Identity from Depression and Anxiety

                  I discuss my mental illnesses a lot. I am not embarrassed to admit that I live with depression and anxiety. I understand these are illnesses. They are as much illnesses as the cancer I battled and still receive treatment for. I receive treatment for depression and anxiety in the same way. The treatments are different. For me mental health treatment involves therapy, a couple medications to keep things under control, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), and esketamine. (I receive the last two at different times.) This is how I deal with my illnesses. My mental and physical illnesses both receive treatment because they are illnesses. 

 

Why I Stopped Saying "My" Depression and Anxiety

 

                  Recently, my aunt asked me why I always say, “my depression”, “my anxiety”, and “my mental illness.” At first, I did not understand what she meant. I did not catch the way I use the word “my”. So, Aunt Holly said. “Why don’t you use ‘the’ instead of ‘my’?” You give away too much power when you say ‘my.’” Wow! Talk about power. Aunt Holly’s words struck me like a lightning bolt. Of course, while I am not afraid to admit that I live with these illnesses, they are not who I am. Why was I claiming ownership by using the word “my”? In that moment, I made a commitment to start saying “the” depression I live or “the” anxiety I experience. Just as I am not my cancer, I am not my depression or my anxiety. I have these illnesses, but they are not who I am. They do not define me.

 

Living with Depression and Anxiety Without Letting Them Define Me

 

                  Words have power. I am writer. I know the power of words. Despite this knowledge and all the writing I have done, I missed how much power I was giving to that two-letter word and how much of my own power I was losing. Yes, I live with depression and, but I do not want to own them. They are not who I am. Perhaps, the best way to say it is that I live with depression and anxiety, but I am not depression or anxiety. They are illnesses. They are not who I am.

                  Making this separation is not easy. I understand it and I want the separation, but I have lived with these two illnesses for so long. They have shrouded me in their darkness. I have suffered. For anyone who has never lived with depression or anxiety, we do suffer when we live with these illnesses. Life is not all doom and gloom. Life is not always being on edge. However, depression and anxiety cause a person to struggle. 

 

Your Identity Is More Than Your Mental Illness

 

One way I can make the separation is to acknowledge that depression and anxiety make my life difficult, and they affect my life in a significant way, but they are not the entire story of who I am. There is a lot more to me. I am a writer, artist, teacher, friend, daughter, niece, cousin, sister, aunt, sister-in-law. All of these are unique parts of who I am. They make up the whole me. At times each of these is affected by the depression and anxiety I live with. In the same way, during the time I was the sickest with cancer, each of those unique parts of me was affected by the cancer. I can be each of these in full and life affirming ways and still live with depression and anxiety. The important thing for me to remember is that the depression and anxiety are not the “star” (Yes, stars can be negative.) of that role. Not all my writing is about depression and anxiety. Most of my art is about the beauty I can capture with paint. As a teacher, for the most part, I hide the depression and anxiety. In this role I am a special education teacher, who tries to do what is best for my students. As a friend, I want to enjoy good times with my friends. I have unique parts of my identity. Depression and anxiety may be along for the ride, but they are not who I am. 

 

How to Separate Your Identity from Mental Illness

 

                  As I am writing this, I am realizing that while everything I have said is true, these things are not easy. A challenge I face is separating myself from the depression and anxiety that push so hard to overtake my life. It is not easy is to always allow myself to be that unique identity. How do I separate myself from illnesses that have been present in my life for almost 40 years? I think the fact that I am asking this question shows that I see the distinction? I think I can help others do that, too. 

Let’s look at some ways to distinguish ourselves from mental illness. I say mental illness here because I believe this applies to more than just depression and anxiety.

 

·      Name the Illness Without Becoming the Illness – It is important to name our illness. “Don’t say I feel like crap,” or “I’m in a bad mood.” Instead, say something like “Depression has me feeling like being alone today, “The level of anxiety I am experiencing today is high.” Speaking like this puts a name on the illness and separates it from you. It also allows you to frame how you are feeling in a more positive way, which is a step toward feeling better. We can recognize the illness without becoming the illness. 

 

·      Observe Your Thoughts and Challenge Mental Illness Symptoms – When we have a mental illness, thoughts are a part of the illness. It is important that we observe our thoughts and distinguish the thoughts for what they are. When we have thoughts such as “I can’t deal with this anymore,” or “I’ll never get better,” we can ask ourselves if this is true or if it is a symptom of the mental illness we live with. When we observe our thoughts and question those thoughts in this way, we are better able to recognize the separation between who we are and the illness we have. We start to acknowledge that our thoughts are frequently a symptom of mental illness, not an indication of who we are. For example, depression can cause me to think, “I want to die,” but I really want to live and feel better. The thought is the depression making its voice heard. It is important to talk back to that voice. Think of it like talking back to someone who is saying something negative to you.

 

·      Remember the Parts of Yourself That Never Disappear – While mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety, can affect different aspects of who we are, they do not take them away. Those parts that make us who we are still reside in us. Things such as our interests, our abilities and skills, our creativity, our technical abilities, the relationships that we have built, our philosophical and spiritual beliefs, and many other aspects of our lives are still there even when mental illness is making life difficult for us. These aspects of our lives may be obscured by the depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses we live with, but they cannot fully take them away. By no means is it easy, but we can maintain the parts of us that make us who we are. We might have to be those parts in smaller ways at times, but they remain a part of us. 

 

·      Separate Symptoms from Your Character – This is similar to what I have already mentioned. It is important to remember that just as we are not the mental illness, we are not the symptoms. For example, the low energy and the difficulty functioning we may suffer from, do not mean we are lazy. When we have difficulty concentrating because our mind is being talked to by anxiety, we are not dumb. Another symptom that people who do not live with mental illness often do not understand is that just because we express suicidal ideation, we are not obsessed with death. Symptoms are thoughts, feelings, and actions caused by the mental illness. They do not define us or our character.

 

Mental Illness Is an Illness, Not an Identity

 

                  It is important to remember that when we are diagnosed with a mental illness, we are being told that we have an illness. We are not being given a new identity. I did not suddenly become “Depressed Gina” when I was diagnosed with depression. Instead, I was being given a reason for my symptoms. I had the symptoms of an illness. That illness is depression. Who I am as a person, my identity, is separate from that illness. We are not heart disease or cancer, or diabetes when we are diagnosed with one of these illnesses. It is not different when we are diagnosed with a mental illness.

 

Why Separating Yourself from Depression and Anxiety Matters

 

                  It is important to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety is important because we are so much more than our illnesses. We are unique individuals with interests, talents, and skills that transcend the illnesses that we cause us to suffer. If we want other to see us for who we really are, we need to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety. We can live with these illnesses and not become them. Of course, it is not easy. The stigma that surrounds us wants us to be our illnesses. Stigma stains these illnesses and attempts to stain anyone who lives with them. By separating ourselves from these illnesses, we are defining ourselves as unique individuals who are a valued part of society.

 

Final Thoughts: You Are More Than Depression, Anxiety, or Any Diagnosis

 

I have shared a few ways we can distinguish ourselves from the mental illnesses we live

with. When we live with any illness, mental or physical, that illness can consume our thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as how you feel physically. Our identity can get caught up in any illness we face. I experienced this when I was fighting cancer. My life became consumed by cancer in so many ways. It was difficult to see myself as anything other than a cancer patient. Well, actually I saw myself as a depressed, anxious cancer patient. I have worked hard to separate myself from these illnesses. It is not easy, but it is important that we make the effort to separate. The work may be hard, but the result is worth it. 

                  There will be times when we slip. Even in writing this post I caught myself typing that damn two-letter word in front of the words: depression, anxiety, mental illness, and cancer. I am work in progress. We all are. That is okay. I think of it like this all the great works of art, all the great pieces of literature, all the great songs were once works in progress.

 

How Dogs Help Depression: What a Walk with My Dog Taught Me About Mental Health

As much as I try to push through my struggles, things have been tough for me mentally and emotionally lately. Sometimes I do not like to admit when I am struggling, but admitting it is the only way to find the path to healing. So, as I admit that I have been struggling, I also share that the struggle has led to some insights.

After a rough day I needed to take my dog, Panda, for a walk. I really did not want to walk. The depression told me to curl up and do nothing. I just wanted to slip into the furniture and disappear. But Panda needed to be walked. It would not be fair to her if I did not take her out to walk. So, off we went. 

She turned in a different direction than we usually walk as soon as I closed the gate. For some reason I decided to just follow her, let her lead. I would not need to think. Well, mu little dog wanted to really walk. Soon, I was not sure exactly where we were. Still, I followed. I figured if I needed to, I could use my phone to find our way home. 

                  As we walked, I found myself just noticing the area around me. While we were in my neighborhood, the area was new to me. This allowed me to notice greenery and houses I had not seen in the past. My mind soon lost its focus on what I had been struggling with and it began focusing on the newness I was walking through. Panda kept walking. I kept following. 

Somehow Panda knew what I needed. We walked and walked. Stopping when she felt the urge to sniff. I did not look at my phone. I was not interrupted by the outside world. I was fully present in our walk. It was a very different experience for me. We walked for 91 minutes. I did not know I was capable of walking that long and definitely did not think Panda’s little legs were capable of walking that long.

Our walk did not make the things weighing on me disappear, but it did relax my tension and calm my mind. I had assumed my thoughts would go wild while we were walking in silence, but oddly my thoughts slowed. They did not completely disappear, but they calmed enough for my anxiety to settle and my depression to lift. My thoughts focused on the presence around me. That presence was both new and beautiful. 

Did Panda really know I needed to walk? I cannot be sure. My gut tells me that she did. She has been staying very close to me lately. Curling up against me in bed. Giving me hugs. So, it would seem this little dog senses that I need her. 

This got me thinking. How can pets affect our mental health? Then I remembered that I wrote about Panda back when I first brought her home. (Can Pets Help Our Mental Health) She was my mom’s dog. She came to live with me when my mom required more care and had to be moved into a care facility. I had never had a pet as an adult. Maybe the timing was right. 

I do not want to rehash that post. You can click on the link and read it. Plus, I feel I should write something new. I thought about what Panda does for me, aside from trying to get my attention like she is right now. 

 

How Do Dogs Affect Our Mental Health?

For starters, Panda and other dogs get us moving when depression tells us to stay still. Depression wants me to stop everything. It wants me to sit in my recliner or lie in my bed and ruminate on all the negative thoughts it is feeding my head. When depression is looming over me, it is difficult to engage in even the simplest of tasks. Dogs do not allow us to be still. Dogs want us to play with them. They want us to walk with them. We cannot keep our dogs inside all day. They need to go outside. Our dogs depend on us. Having a dog depend on us can make us feel needed, which can be a mood lifter and a way to get us up and moving.

With depression we often spiral into darkness. We start to feel down, and we keep going. We need a way to break that spiral. It is possible that small actions such as putting on shoes, grabbing our keys, and stepping out the door can cause an interruption in the depression spiral. We do not need to walk far. Surely, I cannot walk 91 minutes every day. Even a walk around the block can be enough to cause a disruption to the spiral depression throws us into. That one walk can lead to a new habit. We can start walking with our furry friend every day. It starts out being about doing something for our pet, but it becomes a habit that can improve our mental health. 

                  Movement is important for many aspects of our lives. Mental health can be improved with daily movement. It is difficult to do this on our own. Having a dog that depends on us to walk, gets us both moving. In doing this act for our mental health we also help our physical health. We are not just walking our dog, we are exercising.

                  Another way walks with dogs can improve our mental health is by gently guiding us into the present moment. With depression we often lose sight of the present moment, especially the beauty and the good around us. Depression sucks us into the darkness. For dogs that darkness does not exist. Dogs live in the present moment. We can learn to be present from our furry friends. Panda stops and smells anything she notices. It does not matter where we are or how much we have walked, if she wants to sniff, we stop. If she sees something that catches her eyes, she pulls me in that direction. Helping our mental health, requires us to adopt these practices. No, I am not suggesting we sniff everything like dogs. Although, there is nothing wrong with taking a sniff of a beautiful flower or breathing in the salty air at the beach. The lesson here is to be present. Experience all that is around us. If we are focused on being present in the environment, we take the focus away from what depression is telling us. Being present is part of mindfulness. We do not need to get into formal mindfulness practice to benefit from noticing what is around us. We just need to slow down and enjoy our walks, or whatever we are doing, the way dogs do.

                  Dogs can help those of us with depression by providing a sense of being needed and being a friend when we struggle with loneliness. Our furry little friends depend on us. They cannot provide their own food. They need us to feed them and give them water. They need us to take them outside to take care of their biological needs. Dogs need us for exercise. That walk is something we both need. So, when we take our dogs for a walk, we are doing the same thing for them that they do when they take us for a walk. In other words, walks help us both. 

When we are depressed, we often feel a void in our lives. We might feel like we are useless or that we do not contribute anything to the world. Having a dog need us might be just what we need in these moments. Dogs provide companionship. I never thought it would be possible to love a dog. My how that has changed since Panda came into my life. Depression often makes us feel lonely. That loneliness lifts when a dog is curled up next to you or walking beside you. Sometimes when I am feeling really lonely, when the depression is telling me I alone and always will be, Panda moves closer to me, gives me a little snuggle. I do not know how she knows, but she does. She lets me know that even if no one else seems to be around, she is there.

                  Panda and other dogs do not understand depression. They do not have psychology degrees. They do not provide therapy services, at least not the same ones as a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a therapist. While they do not understand depression, dogs do understand that their humans need them. They see when we are not happy. Dogs recognize when we are not providing them the care they need. Instead of complaining, dogs get us up and moving. They get us snuggling with them. They let us know they depend on us to meet their needs. All these things are the way dogs understand people. They love unconditionally. That is how dogs understand depression. I did not know I needed a dog until Panda started loving me. 

                  By no means am I saying that a dog can cure our depression. When we live with depression, we are living with an illness. We need mental healthcare professionals to provide treatment and therapy. Dogs do, however, make our lives better. When our lives are better, we  can heal.

                                             

                                               

                                            Photos and Grooming by Sharon Raaen          

 

 

 

 

 

The Power of Not Giving Up on Someone with Depression (Part 2)

“And I won’t give up if you don’t give up” – Train, from the song, “Calling All Angels”

 

In my last post, Choosing to Stay Alive When Depression Says to Give Up, I discussed not giving up when you live with depression or other mental illnesses. Today I would like to expand on that discussion. The lyric, “I won’t give up if you don’t give up” (Train), can also be applied to daily life with mental illness. We face constant challenges. Knowing that there is someone, or even more than one person, who won’t give up on us makes a huge difference in our lives. 

                  One of the challenges is remembering to take our medication or sometimes just being willing to take our medication. This can be difficult, especially if we need to take one at time when we are occupied with other things. It can also be difficult if the medication has side effects or makes a feel a way we do not like. Taking medication can be difficult if we are not seeing quick enough improvement. It is easy to give up on medications. Frustration can lead to giving up on the medication. We may need a mental healthcare provider to encourage us and not give up on us. That mental health provider can show they are not giving up on us by helping us set up a strategy to remember to take our medication. They can help us deal with side effects. They can listen when we explain how those side effects are impacting us and offer solutions. 

                  Another challenge might be wanting to give up on doing things that are healthy for us. This might include engaging with others, self-care activities, or coping strategies. It might also include going to work or going on a vacation. There are times, sometimes frequent, when we want to give up on these activities. For example, when I am struggling with my depression and/or anxiety I often give up on self- care activities. I may not want to get out of bed or may not want to take a shower. I may under- or overeat. In moments like these having a friend who won’t give up on me is important. A friend can show they are not giving up on us by reminding us to engage in self-care activities or by doing one of our coping strategies with us. 

                  Let’s look at some other things a friend or loved one can say or do to show that they won’t give up on someone living with depression or other mental illness. Here are some ideas:

What You Can Say

                  “I’m no expecting you to be okay right now. I’m here for you however you need me.”

                  “I care about you even on the quiet or hard days.”
                  “What can I do for you?”

                  “I may not fully understand what you are going through, but I want to understand.”

                  “You don’t need to earn my support.”

                  “I’m not going anywhere just because things are difficult.”

                  “Would you like to talk, sit quietly, or be distracted together?’

                  “Do you need me to talk or listen?’

What Can You Do

·      Follow through on promises, even small ones.

·      Sit with them during difficult times. Just be present. You don’t need to try to fix anything.

·      Learn about your loved one’s or friend’s condition. This will help you understand what they are going through and let them know you care enough to learn.

·      Treat them like a whole person, not only as someone who is struggling.

·      Engage in a coping strategy with them. For example, if going for a walk is one of their coping strategies, offer to walk with them.

·      Stay in contact even if they withdraw. Don’t disappear until they feel better. Send a check-in text or make a quick call or stop by.

·      Offer specific help. This might be something like:

o   “I can drive you to your appointment.”

o   “I can put a reminder on my phone and text you to remind you take your medication.”

o   Offer to help them with something that might be causing anxiety or a sense of overwhelm.

 

Those of us with depression or other mental illness are more likely to feel supported when we are believed, when we are not judged for our symptoms, when we are not punished for struggling, and when we are allowed dignity and autonomy. This is how you show you are not giving up on us.

                  As you can see the challenges facing many of us with mental illness are not always suicidal thoughts. Sometimes the challenges are the day-to-day things. When we are struggling we need to know that there are people in our lives who won’t give up on us. Believe me it is easy to give up on ourselves when we live with depression. The depression we live with often speaks negatively towards us. It might say that medication or treatment won’t work. We start to believe it and don’t take the medication. We might not go to a treatment appointment or therapy appointment, if we find ourselves giving up on it and believing it won’t work. If one of these are happening, we might need reassurance from our mental healthcare provider. That reassurance is being told they won’t give up, if we don’t give up. It might be the psychiatrist saying, “Let’s try this. What do you think about that?” These words let us know that our psychiatrist is still trying. If we see them trying, it can help us not give up. 

                  The same is true with therapy. It may be as simple as the psychologist/therapist/counselor saying, “Let’s talk about this.” That shows interest. When we see someone is interested in us, it lets us know that they have not given up on us, which encourages us to not give up on ourselves. 

                  It is not just the mental health professionals who can show that they are not giving up on us. As I mentioned friends and loved ones can encourage us and show us they have not given up on us. It might be that extra call or text to see how we are doing. Maybe it is an invite to do something together. It can also be asking, “Do you need me to talk or listen?” (See my post:  How to Support Someone with Depression: What to Sat and How to Help). Just knowing that a friend or loved one is there lets us know they have not given up on us. 

                  I consider myself lucky to have mental healthcare professionals who believe in me and who won’t give up on me. In all honesty, that is probably the main reason I am still here. It is the reason I have continued with therapy and treatment. Their suggestions and support are the reason I have so many coping strategies available when I am struggling. They let me know that they won’t give up on me. That encourages me to not give up. 

                  The way a person communicates with us both verbally and nonverbally can let us know that they are not giving up on us. Words matter. Words can encourage us. Unfortunately, words can also push us down. We need people in our lives who will encourage us whether they are mental healthcare providers or friends and loved ones. This does not mean that they need to agree with everything we say or do. Sometimes showing that they won’t give up on us means saying or doing the hard things. We may need to be told that we are hurting ourselves in some way. We may need to be told that taking our medication or being in treatment or going to therapy is non-negotiable. That is not to say that we do not have input, but sometimes we need to be reminded that we have an illness and require certain things to heal.

                  I have found that most mental healthcare professionals are going to be there saying “I won’t give up if you don’t give up.” As I said, I know that the mental healthcare professionals involved in my care and treatment won’t give up on me even when I am at my darkest points. While not every mental healthcare professional is as dedicated to their patients as mine are, I believe most are. Have I experienced ones that are not as committed to not giving up on us? Sadly, the answer is yes. I have experienced this with a former psychiatrist. I have also experienced it with an oncologist who didn’t give me much of a chance at survival So, it happens in physical healthcare, too.

                  One thing I have learned through having great mental and physical healthcare providers is that I have a right to that type of care. It should be the norm that they don’t give up on us. I had to learn this the hard way. When I discovered that a former psychiatrist had basically given up on me and was just overmedicating me, I struggled. I had to learn that there are psychiatrists who won’t give up on me. Luckily, after a couple of years I found one. The same with my psychologist, I know he will never give up on me. He may tell me things I don’t want to hear at times, but those words are shared to show me he is not giving up on me and to guide me in the right direction. I am lucky to also have two psychiatric nurse practitioners who I know won’t give up on me. 

                  I have a few friends and loved ones I now know I can turn to who won’t give up on me. That means the world to me. I wish that for everyone. That is why I talk to family groups and why I work to spread this blog to all who are willing to read. At some point in each of our lives we will encounter someone with depression or other mental illness. I hope I can educate people on what it is like to live with a mental illness and encourage them to not give up on those living with a mental illness.

As I said before, I know I am lucky to have all the care I have. I share my story in the hopes that it will help others. I hope others will see the type of care I have and understand that there are mental healthcare providers who won’t give up on us. I hope readers will take that understanding and reach out and demand the care I have.

I also hope that people understand that I won’t give up on them. You can always come to this blog for information, comfort, and understanding. My mental health is far from perfect. It is not where I want it to be at this point. Knowing this, I am working hard to keep myself from giving up on getting to where I want to be with my mental health. This requires me to not give up. Sometimes I need support in not giving up. When my mood drops or I have an anxiety attack, I often want to give up. In those moments I sometimes feel like I have done all I can do. In these moments I need to hear from someone on my mental health team or a friend or loved one that I am okay. I need them to say, “I won’t give up, if you don’t give up.” They may say this in different words or in actions, but the message is clear. I am not alone in this battle. And my friend, neither are you.

 

For part 1 see the May 25 post: Choosing to Stay Alive When Depression Says to Give Up https://depressionbentnotbroken.blogspot.com/2026/05/choosing-to-stay-alive-when-depression.html