Fictional Comfort: Why People with Depression and Anxiety Rewatch the Same TV Shows

 Fictional Comfort

 

Fictional characters on a television screen comfort me.

Bring me laughter at the end of a tough day.

I find pleasure in their antics.

Safety in watching a television show I have seen many times.

The characters become my friends,

Filling a real-life void.

These characters do not see my darkness.

They just accept me for who I am.

For thirty-minute blocks I am a part of their world

And they mine.

I find companionship as I watch.

I know every scene, can recite the dialogue.

Still, I watch.

I am safe here in front of my television screen.

I laugh with these characters,

Smile as I feel a part of their friendship.

This is my nightly routine.

Engaged with fictional characters on a television screen

I do not feel quite so alone.

My fictional friends comfort me.

 

 

                  I share the above poem to show how a when we live with depression and/or anxiety, sometimes we need the familiarity of what we know. This can be especially true with television or movies. I know there has been some research into that, but I will start by sharing my experience and attempt to weave in what experts say.

                  I find that I watch the same show repeatedly. When I am watching it, I feel a sense of being in a safe space. For me the show that brings me this sense of familiarity and safety is The Big Bang Theory. I have watched every episode many times, probably more than even I would guess. When I am feeling depressed or anxious, I know I can turn this show on and feel some comfort.

                  As I watch The Bang Theory I feel less alone. Often, because of my illnesses and situation in life I feel alone. There is rarely anyone else around. So, the characters on the show I have watched over and over, have become like my friends. I feel close to them. I feel like I know them and can let them into my home and my life. Of course, we do not have any literal interactions, but there is a feeling of connectedness. Like the poem says, these fictional characters have become my friends. Unlike the actual people in my life, my “friends” on The Big bang Theory do not see the darkness that is the depression and anxiety I live with. They have never experienced me canceling plans because I just couldn’t do it. They have never witnessed me withdraw into myself because my mind was telling me life was not worth living. The characters do not know I am there, but I see and hear them. 

                  I guess it seems strange to say these characters are my “friends.” When I say this, I really mean I feel the ease of a friendship when The Big Bang Theory is on my television screen. Most of the time, now, I do not pay attention. I might be writing, doing some type of art, scrolling on my phone, or just sitting there. Still, there is comfort in having it on. I hear them talking. I can look up and know exactly what is going on because I have seen every episode so many times. Being able to do that eases my anxiety. The predictability allows my mind to rest. It does not need to think about what might happen next or what a character might do. 

                  As you might guess, I do not watch much else on television. Occasionally, I can get myself to watch a different show. It usually needs to be a 30-minute show. Sometimes I can watch the Food Network for a short time. I usually stick to Guy Fieri’s shows when I do. I am not sure why. There must be a sense of familiarity there. Even with women’s basketball, which I love, I find myself struggling to watch games if the depression or anxiety are impacting me strongly.

                  You might be able to guess that I do not do well with movies. In fact, I will only go to a movie with my friend, Carol, who I have known for 28 years. If I am interested in the movie I can get through it with smaller amounts of anxiety. If it is something I might not have thought to see, but she really wanted to see, my anxiety my get a little higher during the movie. I can handle it because I am with my friend and there is comfort and familiarity in that. I also find comfort and a bit of joy in knowing my friend is happy.

                  So, we have looked at needing familiarity when watching television shows as a person living with depression and anxiety from my prospective. What do others say? Is my experience something strange or do other people share in my experience? 

                  A 2023 article on Health Watch Essex notes that anxious people deal with more cognitively. It mentions how when our brains reach capacity, they cannot take more cognitive information. Watching a television show that we have watched repeatedly does not add to our cognitive load. We get a good feeling from the familiarity of the show, but our brains get a break.

                  A Psychology Today article from 2022 written by Robert N. Kraft, PhD discusses watching the same shows over and over. He discusses what is called The Mister Rogers Effect. When we know what is going to happen, we feel a sense of order and safety. Research indicates that this is even more true when a person feels they have less control in their lives. The Mister Rogers Effect gets its name from the familiar routine that Mr. Rogers went through at the start of every show. It is thought that this brought comfort and stability to the children in his audience. Much the same way rewatching a familiar television show may do the same thing for people with depression and anxiety. 

                  Kraft discusses what he calls parasocial relationships. These are one-sided relationships in which the one person (the character) does not know about the relationship. This character fulfills a social need. Being in a parasocial relationship with a television character allows a person to be in “reliable” relationships with “friends” who do what we expect them to do. 

                  As I reflect on the information I just shared, I realize that what I am doing with The Big Bang Theoryreally is not that uncommon. Or if it is uncommon, it is still has an explanation, and is fulfilling a need for me. I need to be able to think less because depression and anxiety take up a lot of space in my mind. I need “friends” I can rely on to do what I expect. I also need an escape even if it is into a world I have seen many times. Fictional characters (I think the same may be true for characters in a beloved novel or other piece of literature.) can provide us with comfort, familiarity, and a sense of safety. My need for this keeps me from being up to date on the latest binge-worthy show. That is okay. I am comfortable with my “friends’ from The Big Bang Theory. As someone living with depression and anxiety, it is important that I am comfortable. So, if you have a show that you return to often, know that you are not alone. 

Just a thought, the same reasoning as I have shared may also be why we have go-to songs in our lives. How many of us have a playlist that we listen to often? Maybe this is an idea for a future post.

                  

 

 

                  

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.

                   

I Am Not My Mental Illness: Separating Your Identity from Depression and Anxiety

                  I discuss my mental illnesses a lot. I am not embarrassed to admit that I live with depression and anxiety. I understand these are illnesses. They are as much illnesses as the cancer I battled and still receive treatment for. I receive treatment for depression and anxiety in the same way. The treatments are different. For me mental health treatment involves therapy, a couple medications to keep things under control, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), and esketamine. (I receive the last two at different times.) This is how I deal with my illnesses. My mental and physical illnesses both receive treatment because they are illnesses. 

 

Why I Stopped Saying "My" Depression and Anxiety

 

                  Recently, my aunt asked me why I always say, “my depression”, “my anxiety”, and “my mental illness.” At first, I did not understand what she meant. I did not catch the way I use the word “my”. So, Aunt Holly said. “Why don’t you use ‘the’ instead of ‘my’?” You give away too much power when you say ‘my.’” Wow! Talk about power. Aunt Holly’s words struck me like a lightning bolt. Of course, while I am not afraid to admit that I live with these illnesses, they are not who I am. Why was I claiming ownership by using the word “my”? In that moment, I made a commitment to start saying “the” depression I live or “the” anxiety I experience. Just as I am not my cancer, I am not my depression or my anxiety. I have these illnesses, but they are not who I am. They do not define me.

 

Living with Depression and Anxiety Without Letting Them Define Me

 

                  Words have power. I am writer. I know the power of words. Despite this knowledge and all the writing I have done, I missed how much power I was giving to that two-letter word and how much of my own power I was losing. Yes, I live with depression and, but I do not want to own them. They are not who I am. Perhaps, the best way to say it is that I live with depression and anxiety, but I am not depression or anxiety. They are illnesses. They are not who I am.

                  Making this separation is not easy. I understand it and I want the separation, but I have lived with these two illnesses for so long. They have shrouded me in their darkness. I have suffered. For anyone who has never lived with depression or anxiety, we do suffer when we live with these illnesses. Life is not all doom and gloom. Life is not always being on edge. However, depression and anxiety cause a person to struggle. 

 

Your Identity Is More Than Your Mental Illness

 

One way I can make the separation is to acknowledge that depression and anxiety make my life difficult, and they affect my life in a significant way, but they are not the entire story of who I am. There is a lot more to me. I am a writer, artist, teacher, friend, daughter, niece, cousin, sister, aunt, sister-in-law. All of these are unique parts of who I am. They make up the whole me. At times each of these is affected by the depression and anxiety I live with. In the same way, during the time I was the sickest with cancer, each of those unique parts of me was affected by the cancer. I can be each of these in full and life affirming ways and still live with depression and anxiety. The important thing for me to remember is that the depression and anxiety are not the “star” (Yes, stars can be negative.) of that role. Not all my writing is about depression and anxiety. Most of my art is about the beauty I can capture with paint. As a teacher, for the most part, I hide the depression and anxiety. In this role I am a special education teacher, who tries to do what is best for my students. As a friend, I want to enjoy good times with my friends. I have unique parts of my identity. Depression and anxiety may be along for the ride, but they are not who I am. 

 

How to Separate Your Identity from Mental Illness

 

                  As I am writing this, I am realizing that while everything I have said is true, these things are not easy. A challenge I face is separating myself from the depression and anxiety that push so hard to overtake my life. It is not easy is to always allow myself to be that unique identity. How do I separate myself from illnesses that have been present in my life for almost 40 years? I think the fact that I am asking this question shows that I see the distinction? I think I can help others do that, too. 

Let’s look at some ways to distinguish ourselves from mental illness. I say mental illness here because I believe this applies to more than just depression and anxiety.

 

·      Name the Illness Without Becoming the Illness – It is important to name our illness. “Don’t say I feel like crap,” or “I’m in a bad mood.” Instead, say something like “Depression has me feeling like being alone today, “The level of anxiety I am experiencing today is high.” Speaking like this puts a name on the illness and separates it from you. It also allows you to frame how you are feeling in a more positive way, which is a step toward feeling better. We can recognize the illness without becoming the illness. 

 

·      Observe Your Thoughts and Challenge Mental Illness Symptoms – When we have a mental illness, thoughts are a part of the illness. It is important that we observe our thoughts and distinguish the thoughts for what they are. When we have thoughts such as “I can’t deal with this anymore,” or “I’ll never get better,” we can ask ourselves if this is true or if it is a symptom of the mental illness we live with. When we observe our thoughts and question those thoughts in this way, we are better able to recognize the separation between who we are and the illness we have. We start to acknowledge that our thoughts are frequently a symptom of mental illness, not an indication of who we are. For example, depression can cause me to think, “I want to die,” but I really want to live and feel better. The thought is the depression making its voice heard. It is important to talk back to that voice. Think of it like talking back to someone who is saying something negative to you.

 

·      Remember the Parts of Yourself That Never Disappear – While mental illnesses, such as depression and anxiety, can affect different aspects of who we are, they do not take them away. Those parts that make us who we are still reside in us. Things such as our interests, our abilities and skills, our creativity, our technical abilities, the relationships that we have built, our philosophical and spiritual beliefs, and many other aspects of our lives are still there even when mental illness is making life difficult for us. These aspects of our lives may be obscured by the depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses we live with, but they cannot fully take them away. By no means is it easy, but we can maintain the parts of us that make us who we are. We might have to be those parts in smaller ways at times, but they remain a part of us. 

 

·      Separate Symptoms from Your Character – This is similar to what I have already mentioned. It is important to remember that just as we are not the mental illness, we are not the symptoms. For example, the low energy and the difficulty functioning we may suffer from, do not mean we are lazy. When we have difficulty concentrating because our mind is being talked to by anxiety, we are not dumb. Another symptom that people who do not live with mental illness often do not understand is that just because we express suicidal ideation, we are not obsessed with death. Symptoms are thoughts, feelings, and actions caused by the mental illness. They do not define us or our character.

 

Mental Illness Is an Illness, Not an Identity

 

                  It is important to remember that when we are diagnosed with a mental illness, we are being told that we have an illness. We are not being given a new identity. I did not suddenly become “Depressed Gina” when I was diagnosed with depression. Instead, I was being given a reason for my symptoms. I had the symptoms of an illness. That illness is depression. Who I am as a person, my identity, is separate from that illness. We are not heart disease or cancer, or diabetes when we are diagnosed with one of these illnesses. It is not different when we are diagnosed with a mental illness.

 

Why Separating Yourself from Depression and Anxiety Matters

 

                  It is important to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety is important because we are so much more than our illnesses. We are unique individuals with interests, talents, and skills that transcend the illnesses that we cause us to suffer. If we want other to see us for who we really are, we need to separate ourselves from depression and anxiety. We can live with these illnesses and not become them. Of course, it is not easy. The stigma that surrounds us wants us to be our illnesses. Stigma stains these illnesses and attempts to stain anyone who lives with them. By separating ourselves from these illnesses, we are defining ourselves as unique individuals who are a valued part of society.

 

Final Thoughts: You Are More Than Depression, Anxiety, or Any Diagnosis

 

I have shared a few ways we can distinguish ourselves from the mental illnesses we live

with. When we live with any illness, mental or physical, that illness can consume our thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as how you feel physically. Our identity can get caught up in any illness we face. I experienced this when I was fighting cancer. My life became consumed by cancer in so many ways. It was difficult to see myself as anything other than a cancer patient. Well, actually I saw myself as a depressed, anxious cancer patient. I have worked hard to separate myself from these illnesses. It is not easy, but it is important that we make the effort to separate. The work may be hard, but the result is worth it. 

                  There will be times when we slip. Even in writing this post I caught myself typing that damn two-letter word in front of the words: depression, anxiety, mental illness, and cancer. I am work in progress. We all are. That is okay. I think of it like this all the great works of art, all the great pieces of literature, all the great songs were once works in progress.