How to Support Someone with Depression: The Power of Listening Without Judgment

         I recently read a sentence on social media (Fred’s Fighters) that I feel gets right to the heart of what it means to support someone with mental illness. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is our presence.

                  Let that sit for a moment. To help someone who is struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, we can support them by simply being present. The “being there” matters more than what you say or even do. How do we do this? How do we allow ourselves to just be present for someone else? 

First, we need to recognize that we do not and cannot fix everything for the person who is struggling. This may look like just sitting next to the person and listening without interrupting. With that in mind, we need to listen to the person without trying to fix them. As a person living with depression and anxiety, there are times when I would like someone to just listen to me. In these moments I am not looking for answers or a fix to the depression and anxiety. I just want to be heard. I want what I am experiencing to be recognized. Sometimes just knowing a friend or family member is with me is enough to build that feeling of safety that I need to work through the depression and anxiety.

I see this modeled by my mental health providers when they listen without interrupting. They allow me to express what I am feeling or thinking before they speak. They allow moments of silence. These can be important because it allows processing time. When there can be silence and we still know we are not alone, it means the other person is really present for us. Of course, mental health professional needs to interrupt the silence and offer support and intervention, but they model being truly present. We can learn from this.

Being present for another person means believing the person without questioning. This is where we remove judgement. If a person says something like “life doesn’t seem worth living”, do not judge them. This is a real feeling, a real experience. Instead, being present means listening to what the person has to say. We need to give the person our full attention. We can reflect on what they are saying. We might say something like, “It sounds like you are carrying a lot.” This lets the person know that are hearing that they are struggling or that things are difficult for them. Avoid phrasing it like a question. Someone who is really listening reflects on what the other person is saying without questioning or judging..

When we are being present, we also want to validate the other person’s words and feelings. As we listen, we might say, “That sounds very difficult” or “I can see why you feel that way.” We can validate without judging. It is important to let the person know we believe their thoughts and feelings are real. Being present means hearing what the other person is saying and then letting them know you are really hearing them and not judging them. This requires us to sit and just listen first. Give the person the time they need to express what they are experiencing. That is being present. As we validate someone’s thoughts or feelings, it is important that we do not minimize those thoughts. The feelings and thoughts are real. They feel heavy to the person. That heaviness should be respected, not minimized.

What about support? How do we support the person as we are being present?  First, we should offer support without taking over. We can do this by saying something like, “How can I support you right now?” or “What would be most helpful from me right now?” It is important to let the person have control over the support they are given. This means respecting that they know what type of support they need in the moment.

What if the person seems hopeless or is expressing a desire to hurt themselves or take their life? This is where being present means ensuring the person is connected to mental health professionals. One way to do this is to ask the person if there is away for them to contact their mental health professionals. Encourage them to reach out to trusted mental health professionals. If the person is in danger or if you think they are going to follow through on thoughts of self-harm or suicide, help them contact emergency services. This might be the 988 lifeline or 911. Always stay present with this person if they are in danger of harming themselves. Maintain the aspects of being present discussed above and keep the person safe until they can receive support from mental health or emergency professionals. 

When we are being present for a person with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, it is important to remember that we do not need to have all the answers. We want to allow the person to feel heard, respected, and accepted while they are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other manifestations of mental illness. Being present for another person is a gift. On the surface it may sound like a difficult thing to do, but it really comes down to being kind. It is treating another person the way we would want to be treated. We can be present for each other if we let go of preconceived notions and accept the other person for who they are. This means letting go of judgement and replacing it with openness. None of us are going to be perfect at this, but the more we try, the better we will be at being present for others. Think about what a gift it is to simply be present with another. 

 

 

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.

                   

Manifesting What You Want

                  As the year draws to a close many people are setting resolutions. I do not believe in resolutions. I never set them. I do, however, believe in setting a plan for the new year and determining what actions I am going to take to manifest what I want my future to contain. I often find it challenging to think about what I really want in life. My. depression and anxiety often get in the way. Figuring out what I want is something that I need to think about. I cannot make things happen if do not know what I want.

                  Last week I had a conversation with Brittany, the psychiatric nurse practitioner who leads my esketamine treatment. I was struggling and felt like I was going nowhere in life. I was telling her how I feel like I have missed out on so much in life. We discussed how being over 50 and alone makes it scary to think about my future. The high likelihood that my cancer will return adds to my anxiety over the future. I shared how I feel like I will always be alone and that I will have no one to help me as I age or fight cancer again. 

                  We discussed how I have given up a lot because of my mental illness. I never pursued dating or having a relationship because I feared my depression and anxiety would affect anyone I was in a relationship with and if I were to have a family it would have a negative impact on any children I might have. I have always believed that I did not deserve to have a relationship. As a result, I feel like I do not have a lot of things that I once wanted. Brittany was understanding and reframed things for me. We discussed what it meant to want something and how we can manifest the things we want. It was a deep conversation. I carried what she said into my esketamine treatment. As the effects of the esketamine were wearing off and I was returning to a conscious state, my pen took over. I wrote several pages in my journal as I sat there. My mind focused on how to determine what I want in life and what it means to manifest those things. It was a powerful writing session, and I now understand that the writing was part of my esketamine induced dissociation. It was also something that I truly needed.

                  It may seem that I have wandered off topic, but the conversation with Brittany and the writing I did after esketamine affect how I am approaching the new year. When you live with depression and anxiety, negatives are often in the forefront of your mind. I am trying to overcome those negatives and set a plan for the new year in which I manifest what I truly want for myself.

                  Depression and anxiety can make it difficult to see the big picture of life. So, as I go into the new year, I am focusing on identifying what I care about and the little steps I can take to bring those things into my life. It is not necessary to force a clarity I do not have for myself. Maybe instead of trying to figure out big things I want, I can ask myself, “What do I want less of?” or “What helps me feel a little better about myself?” By starting with these less intimidating questions, I can get a picture of what I want for myself. 

                  It is also important to be gentle with myself as I figure out what I want. I might ask myself what I would want if depression and anxiety were not a factor. Then I can look at ways to bring that into my life in small steps. I can take time to listen to the thoughts going through my head and try to identify common themes. This can give an indication of what is important to me and allow me to start setting goals. 

                  An example of something I know I want more of in my life is writing. I want time to really express myself through the written word. I would like to focus on the book I am currently writing. I would like this to be the year I finish the book. Also, I want that book to positively impact others and bring hope to people living with mental or physical illness, especially cancer. So, how do I manifest this and the other wants I identify?

                  Manifesting wants is not magical thinking. It is more like setting goals in a gentle, grounded way. It should be pressure free. As you consider how you will manifest your wants try redefining manifesting as direction, not control. Do not get trapped in the idea that manifesting a want or goal means you must make it happen. Instead, think of it as setting an intention and then taking small steps when you can. This is important for those of us with mental illness because it is easy to get overwhelmed when we have setbacks. So, taking smaller steps makes the process of manifesting a want more attainable. 

                  We can break our intentions into very small actions. Instead of trying to manifest something big, it is helpful to focus on small actions like what you will do for five minutes each day. It might be something as simple as “I will say one positive thing to myself today.” This can build confidence and lead to taking more small action steps. 

                  Visualization can help. Try imaging yourself coping rather than being perfect. Visualize what it looks like to be supported in pursuing your wants. If visualization makes you more anxious, do not force yourself to visualize your wants becoming reality. Instead, focus on the small steps. What can you do in the next moment to feel good about yourself? 

                  Manifesting our wants and goals does not need to be something we do on our own. When we live with mental illness, support is a major part of our lives. We can discuss what we want to manifest with our mental health providers. They can provide guidance and encouragement. We can also share our wants with people we trust and allow them to give us ideas for making our wants become reality. We do not need to face things on our own. Isolating ourselves is common for those of us with mental illness. So, maybe one of our wants can be to isolate less and reach out more. 

                  As we decide what we want to manifest in our lives as the new year begins, it is important to think about how we will measure success. For example, success might be trying again after a rough day. It might be getting back up after feeling down or not meeting a small goal we have set for the day. Success might mean saying “no” to things that do not feel right to us or things that do not improve our mental health. 

Another important part of manifesting our wants is staying curious instead of giving up. This can be a hard one, but it is important. I am reading “Beyond Anxiety” by Martha Beck. She discusses staying curious and trying to be creative. We can look at our lives as dark places or we can ask ourselves, “What if?” Perhaps by asking this question we can become more willing to take risks that will lead us toward making our wants a reality. This requires us to be patient, flexible, and caring with ourselves. Curiosity can help us identify new things that can make us feel good about ourselves. It can lead to new ideas. By being curious we open ourselves to a whole new world. That might allow us to pursue our wants and manifest those wants.

The new year both scares and intrigues me. I do not know what the year will hold for me. I know that in the coming days I will be thinking about what I want. I will try to allow my curiosity to guide me. That will allow me to figure out the small steps I need to take to make my book become a reality. It will allow me to set other goals. Maybe travel is in my future. Maybe I will find ways to not be as alone. I may find that my past life choices were not as bad as I think they were. Those choices created the present me. Just maybe the future me needed those choices to manifest what is to come in 2026 and beyond. 

My wish for everyone reading this is that you discover what you want in life and that you can take the small steps necessary to manifest those wants. And if there are setbacks, I wish you the strength and grace to know that those setbacks are okay. You are still worthy, and you will find your way to attaining your wants.

                  

Different Perspectives on Depression

                  Having lived with depression for over three decades, I have come to realize that there are different ways to view my depression. My most common view is that it is a terrible, unwanted illness. I think that is probably a perspective that I share with many people who suffer from depression. It is fair to say that depression causes pain and leaves us with a hopelessness that can prevent us from living our best lives.

                  Is there more to living with depression? Do I ever view it from a different perspective? Asking these questions makes wonder if there is a positive side to depression. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that depression can be a good thing or that I am glad I suffer from this illness. I’ll be the first to say depression sucks. Despite this I think depression has given me some gifts.

                  Depression has taught me to be reflective. The negative thoughts that fill my mind need to be explored for me to understand them. I can’t cope with thoughts I don’t understand. My psychologist has provided guidance here. He has led me through reflective processes that allow me to talk back to my depression and to recognize when depression is in control. As a result, I have learned to be reflective. I don’t think I would possess these reflective skills if I didn’t struggle with depression.

                  Compassion is another outgrowth from my depression. This compassion shows itself in how I interact with others who live with mental illness. I can relate to others who live with this illness. My compassion played a role in my career as a special education teacher. I was usually able to recognize when a student was struggling with their mental health. I could relate to students who expressed suicidal ideation and provide support that led to getting them the help they needed. My memories of being in high school and contemplating suicide, gave me a perspective that allowed me to connect with students who were struggling in a similar way. 

                  My self-reflection skills and my compassion allow me to connect with others when I share my story. I am able to say, “I get it” when others share their story. The connection created allows me to help others see that we can live with mental illness.  It is not something we need to hide. I can share that there is no shame in mental illness when I am able to connect with others.

                  As I write this, I am contemplating depression in my life. It is a weight that I wish I didn’t have to bear. Depression has haunted me for most of my life. It is a stretch to say that I have received gifts from depression, but I have received something. I am just not sure what to call it. I am glad that I have the ability to be reflective. This skill allows me to share my story and relate to others who suffer from mental illness. My ability to reflect allows me to write this blog and has helped me write the poetry and books I have written. I hope I have helped others through my reflective abilities.

                  As for compassion, that is an important trait for all of us to have. At times I think we have lost some compassion in this country. We need to be able to care for and understand others. My suffering with depression allows me to understand others who suffer. I’m not going to say that makes my suffering worth it, but it at least gives it some meaning. 

                  Depression affects each of us differently. My perspective on it changes depending on how it is affecting me in a given moment. I am by no means glad I live with depression. I wish it would go away. However, if I have to live with it, I am grateful that it is has provided me with self-reflection and compassion and I hope that I use those for the betterment of others.