The Time and Courage to Heal

Healing takes time, and asking for help is a courageous step. — Mariska Hargitay

                  There are so many quotes available online. Sometimes I like to read quotes on various topics. I find it encouraging to read the words of others. As a writer it is important for me to read the words of others and reflect on them. Even more so as a person with a mental illness, I think it is important to search for encouragement. I found the above quote in one of my searches. I thought I would share this quote and my thoughts on it with you.

                  Healing takes time. I see healing as a journey rather than a definitive destination. I have been on a healing journey most of my life. That may make it seem like I am not healing, but I believe I am healing. Each day, each moment I move forward is step toward healing, The thing about healing is that it is not linear. Sometimes there are steps backward or sideways. Healing is messy. There is no one path. 

                  Allowing healing to take its time is important. One way to do this is to focus on taking small steps. A small step might be scheduling a therapy appointment. It might be taking our medication. Employing a coping strategy can be a small step. Once we take one small step, we are more likely to continue taking steps in the direction of healing. As steps build, our relationship with healing grows. We learn to make the choices that allow us to grow. We find ourselves healing.

                  Another key point that provides healing is asking for help. Hargitay calls asking for help “a courageous step”. It takes courage to ask for help. Sometimes when we struggle with mental illness, we find it difficult to ask for help or find ourselves not knowing how to ask for help. Maybe we are embarrassed that we need help. Or maybe we are unsure who to ask. Whatever the reason, asking for help is not easy. That is where courage comes in. Mental illness shrouds us in darkness, but the ability to say, “I need help” or “I cannot do this on my own” is a flicker of light. That light is the presence of courage. It is a light that puts us back on the path to healing. 

                  It may seem easy for me to say that we just need to ask for help. However, I say it from a place of understanding. Asking for help is essential when we are struggling. I have been stuck in those dark moments when I feel like I have no way out and no one to help me. It is a painful place. I have had to learn to reach out. That does not mean I do not struggle with asking. In my darkest moments I questioned if I am worth receiving help from others. What I know is that if I had not asked for help in my dark moments, I may not be here today. 

                  Since asking for help can be very difficult, I believe it is important for those of us living with mental illness to have a safety plan. What is a safety plan? Simply put a safety plan is map of what to do when you find yourself struggling to a point where you need help or at a point where you might hurt yourself. For more on safety plans you can read my article Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis on Recovery.com.  A safety plan gives you a concrete plan of action for when you are struggling. You do not need to be in suicidal crisis to benefit from having a safety plan. 

Sometimes we just need assistance asking for help. As an example, I was struggling the other day. My anxiety had taken me into a spiral. I could not get the anxious thoughts to stop. I was not going to hurt myself, but I knew I was going to continue spiraling if I did not get help. I reached out to a member of my mental health team. She helped me find a way out of the anxiety spiral by reminding me of how I could reach out to one of my oncology providers to ease the anxiety that was building. Left on my own, I would have continued to struggle with the growing anxiety. The interaction with this person was brief, but it made a difference. It took courage for me to ask for help. I had to let go of the thought that I should be able to cope with my anxiety on my own. I needed to understand that it is okay to say, “I am not okay, and I need help.”  Once I reached out and heard back from my oncology provider my anxiety eased and I felt better.

                  Asking for help is part of the healing journey. While asking for help is difficult, it shows a commitment to healing. When we are committed to our healing, we are able to move forward on our healing journey. Asking for help is a sign of courage. I believe that everyone living with mental illness has courage. We live with struggle but continue to fight. Even when it seems like we are not moving forward or that the darkness is consuming us, our strength is there.  Sometimes it is just that little flicker, but we can develop the courage to ask for help and to believe that we deserve that help. Courage is that flickering light that continues to burn despite the darkness.

You Possess the Strength to Ask for Help

                  As I have shared many times I have struggled with depression for over three decades. It started in my teen years. During that time, I didn’t understand what was going on and didn’t know how to get the help I needed. Decades of living with depression has taught me something important. What is that lesson? I possess the strength it takes to ask for help. When we are at our weakest points, we still possess the ability to reach out for help. How we reach out for help is going to vary from person to person, but when we do reach out, we need to be met with understanding. 

                  As a teenager I didn’t know how to reach out for help or that I even could reach out for help. My struggles were met by a lack of understanding from high school personnel who should have been able to help me. Maybe they were doing the best they could, given their understandings of mental health at the time. I don’t harbor bad feelings about the lack of help I received at that time. I am grateful that times have changed and that there are more avenues for help with mental health today.

                  Even though there is more help today, people often don’t seek help when they are struggling. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness by many, which is unfortunate.  It couldn’t be further from the truth to say that asking for help is a sign of weakness.  It takes incredible strength to recognize that you are struggling and to then reach out for help. Frequently, we don’t realize that we possess the strength to reach out. That has happened to me many times. I got through those teenage years, but even in my adult life sometimes I find myself saying that I can get through it on my own or that there is nothing anyone can do. Those words paralyze me, making it hard for me to receive the help I need. I know I am not alone in this. 

                  Fortunately for me, I have learned to reach out and say that one syllable word, “help”.  Each time I have uttered that word, I have received assistance. That has led to having a mental health team that I know I can always turn to when I am struggling. I believe it is a sign of strength to ask for this help. It requires me to recognize that I do not need to do it alone. It also requires me to understand that I don’t have to live trapped in my depression. I had to build up the ability to ask for help. Like weightlifting, it requires repetition and consistency. Each time I get myself to reach out for help, it becomes a little easier. In a sense I have developed something akin to muscle memory. When the darkness sets in and depression leads to suicidal thoughts, my mind reaches out for help. I have reached out enough for my mind to know that is what it needs to do. Of course this is not foolproof. There are other factors like trust in my mental health team. That trust increases my strength and allows me to reach out. 

                  In our darkest moments hope may seem to be absent. If we can get ourselves to reach out, we will find that there is help available. Returning to my weightlifting example, it takes practice to be able to reach out for help. We need to continue to reach out when we are struggling. Reaching out needs to be normalized. As a society we need to encourage reaching out. We need to ensure that people know they are not alone in their suffering. This is how we develop strength.  

                  Mental health professionals play a vital role in developing the strength to reach out for help. They need to encourage people to reach out. Whether it is encouraging people to reach out to them or to other available resources such as 988 or NAMI support groups, mental health professionals can provide people with a way to reach out for help. 

                  Know that if you are struggling you deserve help. You do not have to struggle alone. Even if all you can do is whisper it, you can reach out for help. Dialing 988 can be a life saver. If you just get yourself to press those three numbers, someone on the other end will help you make your needs known. If you are lucky enough to have a mental health provider, make a plan with them for what to do when the darkness is too much. 

                  “Help” is a simple word, but it is incredibly powerful. Tell yourself you possess the strength to use this word. Asking for help can make a difference. I know it has made a difference in my life.

                   

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

                 As National Suicide Prevention Month ends and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month begins, two awareness calls that mean a lot to me converge. Today I would like to discuss a lesson I have learned in both of my battle with suicidal thoughts and my battle with breast cancer. It is a simple lesson, yet it is so hard to learn. That lesson is it is okay to ask for help.

I have spent a lifetime struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. It took decades for me to understand that it was okay to ask for help. Even after I learned that I could ask for help, I still hesitated to ask for help. Often waiting until things became really bad before reaching out. I would wait until I came close to acting on the suicidal thoughts before asking for help. Many times, I should have reached out earlier. I’m learning. I know I need to reach out. I know there are people who not only can but want to help me. 

My breast cancer battle helped me learn that I need to accept help. I’ve discussed this battle a little on the blog. It has been a difficult battle. At times I wondered if I would make it through the battle. At times I became  weak and often needed help. In the beginning I didn’t want to have to rely on others. I wanted to be able to do what I have always done, take care of myself. Breast cancer and chemotherapy quickly taught me that it was no longer possible to do it all completely on my own. I needed to ask for and accept help. My aunt eased me into learning this lesson by being by my side every step of the way. She gently helped me and didn’t let me resist. She just did what needed to be done. It was a lot. The moments I treasure the most are when she just sat by my side letting me know I wasn’t alone. I learned that it was okay to need help. I learned that sometimes we can’t do it all on our own. 

Perhaps the lesson is that we live in community. There are people around us even when we try to isolate. We may not always know they are there, but people are beside us. Yes, some of us live lonely lives, but if we look, there are people beside us. Maybe at times it is just the mail carrier who keeps you connected by delivering your mail. Other times it is a friend or family member who sends a quick text. People are out there for each of us. We can reach out. It is important that we reach out. Whether it is suicidal thoughts or a cancer battle, we need others. 

How do we ask for help? How do we let our guard down and acknowledge that at times we can’t do it alone? It is probably different for each one of us, but I think there are some similarities. First, we need to admit to ourselves that we need help. We need to acknowledge that we need to let others in. I think the first step is saying to ourselves, “I am not doing well and I need a little help.” Maybe it means letting go of the shell that wraps around us. Maybe we only let that shell crack a little, just enough to let a little light in. 

Saying “I am not doing well” is difficult. It requires us to be vulnerable. What it also does is let someone else know that they are needed. It starts the process of accepting and receiving help. When I have been suicidal, I have reached out to my mental health team. If I hadn’t told one of them I needed help, I might not have made it through those times. In a similar way, I needed to tell my aunt when chemotherapy had me feeling like shit. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have known I needed a medication or something as simple as water. 

Asking for help is sometimes viewed as a weakness by society. That view couldn’t be further from the truth. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It shows that you know you are struggling or not doing well, but also that you recognize that with help you can get better. You are not afraid to be vulnerable. You are willing to allow others the opportunity to help you. All of this takes strength. No matter what is causing you to need help, asking for help is a sign of strength and a sign that you desire to get better.

It has taken me a long time to understand this. To be honest, sometimes I still struggle with it. I am human. There are going to be times when I struggle, times when each one of us struggles. It is okay. I try to remind myself to reach out. I am reminding you to reach out. No matter how put together your life is, there are times when you will need to reach out. The strongest among us still have times when they need to reach out. No matter what the need is, do not be afraid to say, “I need some help.” There is help out there. 

I started this post by acknowledging the convergence of two very important awarenesses in my life. I live with two illnesses, depression and breast cancer. These illnesses have led me to learn that it is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for that help. I encourage you to be aware of when you need assistance. Whatever is causing you to need help, know that you deserve that help and that it is okay to ask for it. We are stronger when we recognize our needs.