Facing Illness

                  Often, we become accustomed to our lives as they are and cannot imagine things being different. Even though I have battled depression for decades, I took my health for granted. I knew what it was like to battle mental illness and to feel like crap, but my physical health had generally been okay. I had a couple operations in my 40s, but within a few months of each, I recovered. It was not until a major illness struck me that I realized how fragile life is and how difficult it is to live with illness. For me that major illness was cancer. It changed my life and taught me how to fight and how to live.

                  Today as the new year starts, I would like to share what it is like to fight illness and how we can find our way through it. I am lucky that I had a healthcare team that included amazing doctors (an oncologist, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist), a physician’s assistant, nurse practitioners, nurses, and techs. I also had my aunt, a retired nurse, who stayed by my side throughout my battle and the support of my cousin. As you can see, I had a large team. We all do when we are open to help. In this post I will share my healing story. I do so with the intent of encouraging others who are struggling with illness and are discouraged by what their health is doing to them. I also want to remind people that even if you do not have a diagnosed mental health condition, your mental health will likely suffer when you are facing a physical illness. There is no weakness in admitting this. It is in acknowledging that we are struggling that we find help.

                  Stage 4 breast cancer struck me out of nowhere. Well, I guess it had been growing inside of me, but it surprised me. I had a mammogram that was normal just a couple months before being diagnosed. I clearly remember my primary care provider, Cristina, saying that word. Cancer. I still hear it echoing in my mind at times. From that moment Cristina and her nurse, Henri, encouraged me. They arranged for the care I would need. They were always positive with me. Their encouragement helped me battle cancer. This was especially important because my mental health was not in great place when I was first diagnosed. I needed their encouragement to help me know that I wanted to fight.

                  When we face illness, we face a lot of questions. Why me? Why is this happening? Will I get through this? How can I fight this illness? Am I strong enough? Will I make it back to the life I knew before illness? Will others understand what I am going through? How much help will I need? What if I cannot get through this on my own? All these questions and I have not even touched on the illness specific questions. If you are ill right now or ever have been, I bet you can relate to some, if not all these questions.

                  As I faced illness, I needed to make some changes. Outside of my mental health team, I really had not relied on anyone to help me. I was used to being on my own. I took care of myself. There was no one else. I had to learn to accept the help of others. I had to let family, friends, and colleagues into my life. I had to admit that I could not face this illness on my own. I had to accept their offers of help. If you are going through an illness right now, you might be able to relate to needing to accept help but being hesitant or even resistant to accepting that help. My advice to you is to accept those offers. It does not matter who that help is coming from. Know that you are not alone. If someone is reaching out to you, it is because they care about you and want to be there for you. They know that you would be there for them. 

                  I dealt with a lot of emotions as I battled cancer. Anyone who battles a serious illness is going to be faced with intense emotions. I went through it all. Anger, fear, grief, and hopelessness. These are real emotions. You will find yourself asking yourself, “Why me?” Then one day you will be struck by the realization that serious illness can strike any of us. 

I remember an old television show, “House”. One of the main characters is an oncologist. He saves the lives of his patients. Then one day he is struck with terminal cancer. Ironic? I do not think so. I think it is just life. We never know what life has in store for us. Now, this character made a choice I would not have made. He chose not to go through treatment. I think in most cases we owe it to ourselves to fight. Maybe I learned that from those who have been supporting me in my health battles. For years my mental health team has been supporting me in a fight against depression and anxiety. They then joined in with my physical health team to lead me in a fight against cancer. I learned that my life was worth fighting for from these amazing individuals. Even though the character on “House” rode off into the sunset on a motorcycle, I would like to think that he changed his mind after riding for a while and fought the cancer.

                  Illness is usually difficult. Just because you know what lies ahead is going to be tough, does not mean you stop fighting. Instead, you increase the fight. Back to the television show, “House”. There is something else I learned from the final scene. As that oncologist rides off, his friend, the rogue doctor who is the main character, joined him. The lesson there is that we do not need to go through illness alone. It may be difficult on many levels, but we can accept help and fight. So, whatever illness you are facing, whether it is mental or physical illness, or something else, do not try to go through it alone. There is always someone even when it does not seem like there is. I feel alone a lot. Sometimes I find myself believing that I need to go through everything alone. Cancer showed me that is not true. I have support. I just had to be open to allowing that support into my life.

                  I remember every bit of encouragement I have received in my battle. I would like to share that encouragement with you. However, there is too much to relate in this post. So, I will sum it up in five words, “Life is worth fighting for.” I learned this from nurses, nurse practitioners, my primary care provider, and my oncologist, from my psychologist and psychiatrist, and from my aunt and cousin. The battle may not be easy. That is okay. There is strength within each of us that we do not know we possess. Others see it, but often we need to be shown that we have that strength. As I said earlier, let others be there for you. They truly want to help you. If they did not, they would not offer. Reach out when you need support. I know it is hard. Allowing others to help was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. So, I ask you to learn from my experience. We cannot fight illness alone. It takes a team. Healthcare providers, family, friends, and colleagues are all part of that team. No one should fight illness alone. I am grateful to everyone who helped me learn that lesson, to everyone who helped me fight and beat cancer. 

If you need help, reach out. Even if you do not think you need help, reach out. If you feel like you do not have anyone to reach out to, reach out to me. We are human. Humans are not solitary creatures. We need each other. 

                  

The Value of Peer Support

                 The last few years I become aware that my illnesses, both mental and physical, need more than just professional treatment. While those treatments are important in my battles with depression, anxiety, and cancer, something was missing for a long time. I was alone. My journal was the only place I shared my thoughts and feelings. My journal was the listening ear that wasn’t paid by my health insurance. 

                  The isolation I experienced limited my healing. It kept the pains I lived with and the fears that haunted me pent up inside of me. Then I discovered that I was not alone. This revelation came thanks to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I became involved with this organization, I learned that others shared similar experiences to mine. I learned I have peers in the struggle with mental illness. This realization led to me becoming more involved with NAMI. I participated in programs and awareness activities. I have grown through my involvement. Now, I even lead groups. 

                  My experiences with peer support through NAMI made it easier for me to join a cancer support group after I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Once a week for the last two years, I have met with a group of people who are also facing this monster disease. As I think about all the conversations we have had over the last two years, I realize how close I have become to these people. We have supported each other and lifted each other up during the bad times. Having peers while I faced cancer has allowed me to understand my cancer better. Knowing I am not alone has reduced my fears and eased my anxiety. 

                  With both my mental illness and cancer, peer support has been a valuable part of healing and living with the illnesses. I know that without these people who have become an integral part of my life, I would not be in the place I am. I would not be doing as well as I now am. When you have peers to share the journey, you are not alone. You face struggles together. You grieve when necessary. You celebrate the victories no matter how small. 

                  Knowing peer support has made a difference in my life, I decided to learn a little about the recognized values of this form of support. I discovered seven benefits of peer support. The benefits address emotional, social, and practical needs. The benefits result from the connection with others who share similar experiences. Here are the benefits:

 

·      Emotional validation and understanding: Through shared experiences peers can offer empathy and understanding that professionals and loved ones without the illness may not be able to express. The shared experience reduces feelings of isolation and shame. It also reduces that feeling of being alone or the only one facing the illness.

·      Reduced stigma: Talking openly with peers who understand what you are going through helps to normalize the experience. As stigma is reduced, acceptance is increased.

·      Hope and empowerment: When we see others who have made progress in their illness or are managing it successfully, we find hope. Peer support also promotes a sense of agency. We see that recovery or better management of the illness is possible.

·      Social connection: Peer support groups build community and friendship. This is important when fighting illness. The social connection fostered in peer support groups can reduce feelings of loneliness.

·      Increased engagement with care: When talking with peers we can learn to trust the healthcare system. Hearing the positive experiences of others can increase our willingness to seek treatment or follow treatment plans. It can also make us aware of what we want to avoid in treatment. 

·      Personal growth and purpose: Supporting each other in a peer support group can provide a sense of self-worth and purpose. As this happens our own recovery or coping journey is reinforced. 

 

        I know I am a stronger person and better able to fight my illnesses because of the

peer support I receive through NAMI and my cancer support group. I have grown through peer support. I hope that I have offered my peers as much as I have received from them. Together we forge ahead in our illness journeys. I am grateful for these peers that I now call friends. 

                  As I prepare to return to work, I fear losing some of my connection to my peer support. These people are such an integral part of my life now. I trust I will find ways to stay connected and check in as often as work allows. My peers are just as important in my recovery as the treatments I have received. They helped me through those treatments. Peer support is a valuable part of my illness recovery and can be an important part of yours. If you are facing an illness, reach out to groups like NAMI, the Cancer Support Community, or an organization specializing in your illness. Peer support is valuable part of healing from any illness. 

Being Vulnerable

                  When you live with illness whether mental or physical, life can be difficult. I have struggled my whole life with depression and anxiety. A couple years ago cancer joined the fray. As a result of these illnesses, I think I have a fairly good idea of what it is like to live with illness. Most of my life I have tried to deal with my illnesses, especially the depression and anxiety, mostly alone. I have had my psychologist for quite a while, and I have leaned on him. I have had the same psychiatrist for several years, which has been helpful. A work with a psychiatric nurse practitioner and have a primary care provider and oncologist who are always there. But it has taken time to learn to trust all of them. 

                  There is one thing that I have learned more recently that I think is vital to living with illness. I have learned that it is okay to be vulnerable. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines vulnerable as being “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded”.  When dealing with illnesses being vulnerable means being open, honest, and exposed, often in deeply uncomfortable ways. Vulnerability can manifest emotionally, relationally, bodily, and in terms of identity.

                  With emotional vulnerability, a person often faces fear and uncertainty. It can be uncomfortable to admit when you are in pain, scared, or not coping well. This vulnerability means acknowledging things like feelings of depression, anxiety, or intrusive thoughts. It also means admitting limitations and acknowledging a fear of mortality. 

                  With respect to relational vulnerability, it is necessary to let loved ones and/or friends see you struggling. It also means being honest with doctors, therapists, and caregivers about symptoms. We need to be honest even when we are feeling stigmatized or embarrassed. This is not easy.  We need to learn to rely on others. Many of us are not used to that. I know I wasn’t. 

                  When our bodies are affected, we may need assistance with basic tasks or need to undergo invasive procedures. Accepting this loss of privacy can be embarrassing and difficult to accept. 

                  Being vulnerable can also impact our identity. With mental illness we might fear the labels that are so often placed on people with mental illness. We don’t want to be seen as unstable or crazy.  If it is a physical illness, we may be faced with feeling weak or disabled. 

                  Vulnerability is important because if we deny our illnesses, whether mental or physical, we cannot be treated. Even though it may feel like we are being weak, expressing vulnerability is a sign of personal strength. Vulnerability allows us to accept the help we need. 

                  As I think about my own illnesses, it wasn’t until I learned that it was okay to be vulnerable that I started to heal. My mental health improved when I was vulnerable enough to share that I lived with depression and anxiety. When I allowed others to know what I was going through, I discovered compassion. I was also better able to work with my mental health care providers. This vulnerability was the first step toward getting the treatment I needed to improve my mental health. It hasn’t always been easy, and there are still times when I hesitate to admit I am struggling with depression. Being able to tell a member of my mental health team that suicidal thoughts are entering my mind requires me to be vulnerable. I have learned that it is safer for me to let them know what I am experiencing. If I want to get through those times, I need to speak up. Fortunately, I have learned that I am stronger when I allow myself to be vulnerable.

                  Being diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer forced me to be vulnerable. There were a lot of things I could not do for myself. I had to be vulnerable to accept help. I am lucky that my aunt stepped in made it safe for me to be vulnerable. I had to accept that I could not take care of myself on my own. I needed help. I was probably most vulnerable with my aunt. I could admit my fears to her, and I could accept her care. Being stripped of my ability to care for myself was scary. My mental health journey had taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable. I was able to cry when I thought about my mortality. Early on I didn’t know how my fight would turn out. Would I live or would I succumb to the cancer raging within in me? I had to turn myself over to my medical team. I had to allow my aunt to care for me. In short, I had to be vulnerable. That vulnerability led to an ability to fight cancer. I learned that it was okay for me to be scared. It was okay for me to need help. 

                  Vulnerability means been willing to be seen as you are. What you are might be a mess. It might be painful and scared. It might be a person on the edge of life. But when we are seen as we are, we can be ourselves. We can accept the help we need. Most importantly, we can heal. 

 

                  

 

Light from a Disco Ball

Dancing as a means of healing became important to me over the last year and a half. I have always thought of illness and healing in terms of darkness and light. Darkness has represented my battle with depression. While light represents times of healing. These images make sense to me. I am able to use them to describe what I live with in terms of depression. 

       About a year and a half ago another illness took over my life. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Darkness blanketed me. This time I did not know how to emerge from the darkness. I could not see a healing light. I thought I was going to die. This seemed ironic considering how often I have been plagued by suicidal ideation. Then I met an oncology nurse who changed things. In my first interaction with her she taught me something that gave me hope. It seems a little silly, but she said to beat cancer I had to dance. Then she did a little dance right there in the exam room. At first, I did not understand. Then I learned that she was a breast cancer survivor. She knew the care provider side as well as the patient side. Dancing became our connection. She would waltz into the room while I was hooked up to IV tubing and encourage me to dance in the chemo chair. At night when I felt like crap, overwhelmed by nausea and pain, I would hear her telling me to dance. Physically, I couldn’t get up and dance, but I would imagine myself dancing. Slowly, I would feel a little better. 

      What does dancing have to do with darkness and light? That’s where the disco ball comes into the picture. From the beginning I envisioned a disco ball when I tried to dance. I do not know why this image came to my mind, but I would picture a disco ball when I thought about dancing. A disco ball is made up of many broken pieces of glass. Together they create a ball of light. The disco ball connected my healing to light. Dancing was shining a light in the darkness of cancer. The light was with me just as it is in my battle with depression. It is the healing. 

       Illness, whether depression or cancer, shrouds me in darkness at times. Despite this darkness a healing light is present. Sometimes it is more difficult to see, but with a little hope the light is there. I find the light in different ways. Sometimes it is through writing. Other times it is by reaching out to my care team. Dancing also brings me healing even if it is just tapping my toes or moving my hips in the chemo chair during treatment. Healing requires me to reach for the light. It is important that we all reach for the light no matter what ails us. There is a light of healing waiting for us to reach out to it. 

 

With Hope We See Light

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

 

                  Recently I have been thinking a lot about the concepts of darkness and light. I use these as descriptors for depression and healing. The quote above from Desmond Tutu ties up what I am referring to when I talk about the darkness and light. Hope. We need hope to pull us through the darkness and into the light. 

                  Hope can be a difficult concept. At the times in my life when the darkness has been thick and I wanted to give up, I have been lifted by hope. Often, that hope has originated in others, especially my mental health team. Each of them has taught me to have hope that the light will reemerge. They have taught me to see that the light exists despite the darkness. 

                  Depression creates a thick darkness. It can be hard to have hope when we are blanketed by this darkness. The light is there. Sometimes we cannot see it and we need help to find the light. The help we receive lets us have hope. I understand that in the darkness we feel alone. During these times it is difficult to have hope or to find others who can help us find hope. I have been trapped in that darkness. It is an awful feeling. As bad as we feel, the light is there. It may be just a speck, but if we can grasp that speck, it will expand. 

                  In the past couple of years, I have learned a lot about hope. Two years ago, I was in the depths of depression. Taking my life seemed like my only option. My mental health team provided the light. They were the hope that got me through that time. I received the treatment I needed to emerge from the darkness. Unfortunately, a new illness would cast me back into the darkness. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I believed I was going to die. The first oncologist I saw did nothing to help me have hope. Luckily, I found another oncologist and a nurse who instilled hope in me. They made sure I believed I could overcome the cancer and live with it. They were lights for me. As was my aunt, who lifted me into the light by caring for me and not allowing me to give up. Together my oncologist, her nurse, and my aunt were lights in the darkness of my cancer. They taught me to have hope. 

                  Hope is vital in our lives. There will always be times of darkness. That darkness will be different for each one of us. The commonality is that in the midst of the darkness, hope can bring light into our lives. Light exists in every darkness. It is just hard to see at times. If we have hope, we will see the light. That light may be another person. It may be something subtle that only we understand. No matter how it appears, hope brings light. Hope is the key to healing. I would not be here if it were not for hope. I was guided to believe there was hope I would overcome my suicidal thoughts. I was taught to have hope in my cancer battle. With hope I am still here. I am sharing my hope so that others may find the light of healing. If we have hope, we will find the light.

 

Saying Goodbye to 2024 and Hello to 2025

                  As 2024 nears a close, many people are looking back over the last year. I have mixed feelings about looking back on the year. Doing so can show how far I have come, but it can also show all I didn’t achieve. My depression will latch onto what was missing in 2024.  Saying goodbye to one year and hello to the next can unleash a mixture of feelings. 

                  In 2024 I experienced ups and downs. Health concerns, both mental and physical, occupied a lot of space during the past year. Really, the past two years have been a roller coaster with my health. Entering 2023 I was struggling with my mental health. That struggle took me on an interesting ride that continued through 2024. I found myself struggling in a new way. Suicidal thoughts were hushed by the desire to fight for my life brought on by cancer. Despite finding the desire to live, depression still impacted me during the past year. At times it doesn’t make sense. I am alive. I am winning my battle with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. Shouldn’t that be enough to hush the depression? Unfortunately, it is not. Depression tries to quash the good things. It wants to ruin the wins in my life. I am blessed with a support team that keeps fighting the depression and allows me to focus on healing. 

                  During the past year I have had a few pet scans that continue to show that cancer no longer has the upper hand. The tumors are gone. As January approaches, another pet scan awaits, which makes me anxious. Scanxiety is now a part of my life. As if I didn’t deal with enough anxiety already. Scan anxiety is that part of my new normal that worries about what the next scan will tell my oncologist. It worries that the next scan will lead to more chemo. Scanxiety is a word that is not found in the dictionary but is very real to anyone living with a cancer diagnosis.  I lived with scanxiety in 2024 it will follow me into 2025. Thankfully, I have learned that I am not alone in dealing with this type of anxiety. I’ve had conversations about it with my oncologist, with my mental health team, in my cancer support group, with my aunt, and perhaps most effectively with my Dancing Queen (you know who you are). As the new year begins, I know I will face anxiety over my cancer diagnosis, but I know I have support to get me through it.

                  In October I took my dream trip to Italy. I explored the country my family once called home. The artisans in Venice, bookmakers, mask-makers, and glass blowers, gave me an appreciation for their arts. The history and art in Rome was amazing. I walked in the same small towns where my ancestors once lived. I stood at the Church altar where my great-grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello, were married. I floated in the waters of the Tyrrhenian Sea off the coast of Calabria. My worries seemed to wash away as I floated in this water. It was the trip of a lifetime and made 2024 memorable for all the right reasons.

                  New writing opportunities arose this past year. Writing is filling my life. It is not enough to make a living, but it is providing me with opportunity. My writing is reaching a greater audience. I will admit that I wish my audience would grow faster, but I remind myself that it just takes one person being impacted by something I have written to make a difference.

                  Perhaps the most important lesson I learned began in 2023 and stretched through 2024. I learned a four-letter word that impacted my life in a very positive way. HOPE. It is a simple word that carries so much power. My mental health team instilled hope in me as I was struggling with depression. My oncologist strengthened hope in me with her belief that I would win the battle with cancer. The oncology nurse navigator who taught me to dance atop cancer showed me how to make hope a part of my life. Hope is guiding me now. I do not know where it will lead me, but I am holding onto hope as I enter 2025. My hope is that healing follows me.

                  

                  

Giving Back

                  I have learned that giving back feels good. This past Saturday night I had a poetry reading as a fundraiser at Empty Shelf in San Gabriel, CA. The purpose was to raise money for the general breast cancer research fund at Keck Medicine of USC. I was hoping for a few hundred dollars. I raised $1,125. I am thrilled to be able to donate that money.

                  My cancer journey has taught me a lot about valuing life. It has helped me overcome suicidal ideation. I have learned that I want to live. Cancer is a tough way to learn this lesson. So, I can’t say I am glad cancer hit me, but I am happy that I have learned the lessons I have learned. My depression isn’t gone, but I think I understand how to live with it better now. I have learned to tell depression to be quiet when it starts in with its suicidal thoughts. I have learned that I have a reason to live. Cancer still sucks, but I am learning to fight. 

                  I have an amazing team of medical professionals caring for me. My oncologist and primary care provider (PCP) take care of all things physical. They also encourage me and give me hope. My PCP was the first person who told me I could fight cancer. She told me this immediately after telling me I had cancer. So, right from the beginning, there has been a knowledge that I can fight. My oncologist provided me with hope in my very first appointment with her. It didn’t matter that my cancer was stage 4 and metastatic.  She was going to lead me in the battle, and I would live. She remains the hope that I hold onto.  The nurse navigator became my “Dancing Queen,” teaching me to dance on top of cancer. She reminds all the time that I need to keep dancing to beat cancer. Her motivation lifts me up and reminds me that I can live.  All the nurses, my PCP’s nurse and the infusion nurses, always take such great care of me. They encourage me while providing me with care and understanding. The infusion nurses make sure my treatment goes well.

                  My mental health team has been by my side throughout. My psychologist is always there to talk to me and to help ease my anxiety. My psychiatrist helps me understand what I am experiencing and ensures that I am taking care of my mental health. My psychiatric nurse practitioner, S, always listens to me and helps me make sense of things. Now, I see another psychiatric nurse practitioner, too. She, along with the techs, makes sure I get my treatment and that I get through it with ease. 

                  So, I have an army behind me. That gives me reason to give back. In the past I have raised money for mental health through NAMI Walks. Now, it is time for me to give back for all the help and healing I have received in my cancer battle. My writing is the one thing I have that I can share with others. So, I had a poetry reading with a raffle and silent auction to raise money for breast cancer research. There are many cancer organizations, but there is nowhere I would rather give back to than Keck Medicine of USC. Their team has saved my life. I want to give back to them.  I want to help them fight for others with cancer. I know first-hand that they make a difference. The poetry reading and the funds I raised are a small token of my appreciation and gratitude, 

                  The fact that I can give back shows that I am winning the battle against breast cancer. I have the ability to give back. I am healing. I want to do more and hopefully I will find ways to do more. As long as I can give back, I am going to. I don’t know what that will look like moving forward, but it is my goal. I am considering starting a second blog to write about breast cancer. Let me know what you think about that. It would be easy for me to start a second blog. I love to write. So, writing would likely come naturally. Maybe a breast cancer blog would help others fight this awful disease.

                  I want to share the poetry reading with all of you reading this. Listen to my message. Feel the poems. Cancer can strike when you least expect it. Value your health and get recommended screenings. It can save your life. 

                  Here is the link to my poetry reading:

 

https://youtu.be/LqRh3tPcT3c?si=nOYkoBvke-1aKg2i

 

                  

Carpe Diem

                  I just returned from an amazing couple of weeks in Italy. I had wanted to take this trip for a long time, and it turned out to be everything I dreamed. There was so much beauty to see. I explored cities including Venice, Florence, Pisa, and Rome. I visited the small towns of San Giorgio La Molara and Plantania, where my family came from. I stood inside the same church where over one hundred years ago my great grandparents, Pasquale Tropea and Josephina Cappello were married. This trip was my chance to live in the moment and as commenter on my last post suggested, be grateful in the moment. 

                  As I return there are a few days left in a month that now has a lot of meaning for me. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I’m not sure I would have gone to Italy if breast cancer hadn’t attacked me. I’ve wanted to go for years, but always found a reason to put it off. It was too expensive. I had to work. I could go the following year. I had no one to go with. All of these were just excuses. Now, that I have been diagnosed and treated for stage 4 metastatic breast cancer, I realize that life can’t wait. I need to live in the moment. I need to seize opportunities. Excuses were my mental illness talking. My depression has never believed I could do anything. Cancer showed me I not only could do things, I need to do the things I want to do. None of us know what tomorrow holds, but having cancer makes that unknown more of a reality. I realize that tomorrow may not come. At any time, the tumors can grow, and I will need chemotherapy again. So, I need to talk back to my depression when it tells me that I can’t do something or that I shouldn’t do something. 

                  I remember watching the movie “Dead Poet’s Society” back in the late 1980s. It introduced a Latin phrase, “carpe diem” – “seize the day”. The literal translation from the Latin would be “pluck the day”, but it is widely translated as “seize the day”. I think this is an important phrase to live by. It is not just because I have cancer. I think we all need to seize the day. We need to live and be grateful for the opportunities we have in life. We never know when we will run out of opportunities. We don’t know when illness will incapacitate us. Depression and cancer have both limited my ability to seize the day at times. I can’t allow illness to take life away from me. Depression has stolen so much from me as I have shared in past posts. Cancer jumped in and tried to steal more. It attempted to take my life. Fortunately, those around me, my health care team, both physical and mental, my family, and my friends, have taught me to seize the day. I have learned to live each day. Sure, there are going to be difficult days. Test results are going to scare me. Treatment is a recurring reality, but it is saving my life. Just like I made my trip to Italy happen, I need to make living a full life a priority. I need to make the most of the opportunity I was given when my oncologist attacked my cancer. I don’t know exactly what seizing the day means for me going forward, but I am ready to find out. I am going to do my best to make the most out of life. I will experience everything that I can. If I want to try something, I’m going to do it. I realize there will be setbacks. My depression and cancer are not going to magically disappear, but I can live with these illnesses. 

                  Going to Italy taught me that there is an amazing world out there waiting to be explored. Not all that world is thousands of miles of way. Sometimes it is just down the street. Exploring the world includes many things. For me it will include writing the book that is sitting in my brain right now. I entered a mini version of that book in a contest and actually made it to the final round of judging. Rather than see not being selected as losing, I choose to see it as proof that my story is worth telling. There are other things I want to do, including raising awareness and funds for both breast cancer and mental illness. I can do those things. I want to spend quality time with my family and friends. I want to love deeply and appreciate my loved ones. 

I see the value in my life. That is something I have always struggled with because of my depression. I know it is still going to be difficult at times, but I am ready to try to embrace all that life has to offer. I am ready to seize the day. 

Floating in the Mediterranean Sea – Carpe Diem

Welcome October

September is over, but that doesn’t mean we stop being aware of the importance of suicide prevention. We must continue to check on each other and be there for friends and family. Being aware of suicide is a year-round necessity. As someone who has known the darkness of suicide ideation and attempts, I urge you to continue checking on each other.

October brings awareness to breast cancer. Knowing I was at risk from an early age, I have always taken breast cancer awareness seriously. Now, that I live with breast cancer, the month of October takes on new meaning for me. I have learned a special lesson as I have battled breast cancer. I think this lesson is important in the fight against breast cancer as well as the battle with depression. What is that lesson? LIVE IN THE MOMENT! Four simple words. We need to focus on living. We can’t wait for tomorrow. We need to live our lives in celebration of the wonder that is life. We need to live every moment. Say the things we want to say. Take the trips we want to take. Enjoy the little things. Hug our loved ones. Life needs to be lived because tomorrow isn’t promised. 

I spent my career working extra, always staying late or doing the extra task. Looking back, none of that meant anything. I missed out on living. If you have a choice between working overtime and attending your child’s game or concert, choose to be with your child. Work will still be there in the morning. 

I don’t have children, but I wish I had taken more time to do things for myself. Work didn’t care when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The sick days ran out and I was kicked to the curb. Twenty-six years of doing all the extras and missing out on life went unnoticed and unrewarded. I was left with nothing. No health insurance. No income. Instead, I get a disability check that barely gets me by each month. I didn’t live when I had the opportunity. Instead, I was the “good” employee. If I could do it all over again, I would make so many changes. I would put me first and work second.

Live in the moment. That is my new mantra. With that in mind I am doing something this month that is just for me. Something I have put off for a long time. I am going to Italy. I will take in all the culture and beauty. I will explore the small towns where my family once lived before immigrating to the United States. I will live in the moment. I will try to push cancer and depression out of my mind so I can experience something new. I will follow where life takes me. I will enjoy food, art, history, and culture.

With that being said, I am taking a two week break from this blog. I’ll post again (October 21^st) when I return. Hopefully, my posts will be guided by a refreshed mind after my trip. 

It’s Okay to Ask for Help

                 As National Suicide Prevention Month ends and National Breast Cancer Awareness Month begins, two awareness calls that mean a lot to me converge. Today I would like to discuss a lesson I have learned in both of my battle with suicidal thoughts and my battle with breast cancer. It is a simple lesson, yet it is so hard to learn. That lesson is it is okay to ask for help.

I have spent a lifetime struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. It took decades for me to understand that it was okay to ask for help. Even after I learned that I could ask for help, I still hesitated to ask for help. Often waiting until things became really bad before reaching out. I would wait until I came close to acting on the suicidal thoughts before asking for help. Many times, I should have reached out earlier. I’m learning. I know I need to reach out. I know there are people who not only can but want to help me. 

My breast cancer battle helped me learn that I need to accept help. I’ve discussed this battle a little on the blog. It has been a difficult battle. At times I wondered if I would make it through the battle. At times I became  weak and often needed help. In the beginning I didn’t want to have to rely on others. I wanted to be able to do what I have always done, take care of myself. Breast cancer and chemotherapy quickly taught me that it was no longer possible to do it all completely on my own. I needed to ask for and accept help. My aunt eased me into learning this lesson by being by my side every step of the way. She gently helped me and didn’t let me resist. She just did what needed to be done. It was a lot. The moments I treasure the most are when she just sat by my side letting me know I wasn’t alone. I learned that it was okay to need help. I learned that sometimes we can’t do it all on our own. 

Perhaps the lesson is that we live in community. There are people around us even when we try to isolate. We may not always know they are there, but people are beside us. Yes, some of us live lonely lives, but if we look, there are people beside us. Maybe at times it is just the mail carrier who keeps you connected by delivering your mail. Other times it is a friend or family member who sends a quick text. People are out there for each of us. We can reach out. It is important that we reach out. Whether it is suicidal thoughts or a cancer battle, we need others. 

How do we ask for help? How do we let our guard down and acknowledge that at times we can’t do it alone? It is probably different for each one of us, but I think there are some similarities. First, we need to admit to ourselves that we need help. We need to acknowledge that we need to let others in. I think the first step is saying to ourselves, “I am not doing well and I need a little help.” Maybe it means letting go of the shell that wraps around us. Maybe we only let that shell crack a little, just enough to let a little light in. 

Saying “I am not doing well” is difficult. It requires us to be vulnerable. What it also does is let someone else know that they are needed. It starts the process of accepting and receiving help. When I have been suicidal, I have reached out to my mental health team. If I hadn’t told one of them I needed help, I might not have made it through those times. In a similar way, I needed to tell my aunt when chemotherapy had me feeling like shit. If I hadn’t, she wouldn’t have known I needed a medication or something as simple as water. 

Asking for help is sometimes viewed as a weakness by society. That view couldn’t be further from the truth. Asking for help is a sign of strength. It shows that you know you are struggling or not doing well, but also that you recognize that with help you can get better. You are not afraid to be vulnerable. You are willing to allow others the opportunity to help you. All of this takes strength. No matter what is causing you to need help, asking for help is a sign of strength and a sign that you desire to get better.

It has taken me a long time to understand this. To be honest, sometimes I still struggle with it. I am human. There are going to be times when I struggle, times when each one of us struggles. It is okay. I try to remind myself to reach out. I am reminding you to reach out. No matter how put together your life is, there are times when you will need to reach out. The strongest among us still have times when they need to reach out. No matter what the need is, do not be afraid to say, “I need some help.” There is help out there. 

I started this post by acknowledging the convergence of two very important awarenesses in my life. I live with two illnesses, depression and breast cancer. These illnesses have led me to learn that it is okay to need help. It is okay to ask for that help. I encourage you to be aware of when you need assistance. Whatever is causing you to need help, know that you deserve that help and that it is okay to ask for it. We are stronger when we recognize our needs. 

 

My Journey

                  Today I am sharing a poem that I wrote a few years ago. It is in my book A Light Amidst the Darkness: Illuminating Mental Illness and Suffering. (It is available for order in your local bookstore or on Amazon at A Light Amidst the Darkness.) I have always been on a journey with my mental health. It has been a battle. I have sunk into the very deep and dark depths of depression. I have emerged from those depths at times only to sink back into them. The journey hasn’t been easy, but lights have guided me. I have hung onto the shining of those lights to keep myself going.

                  Last year breast cancer hopped on my journey. Cancer has made my ride even more difficult, but I remain on this journey. It has been rough. Cancer is a fight. Depression is also a fight. They affect me in different ways, but I fight both with the same hope that I will heal. As my cancer journey has intertwined with my depression journey new lights have emerged to help me navigate this illness. These lights join with the lights that were already with me to illuminate the darkness depression and cancer thrust upon me. 

                  This journey has pummeled me at times. It has also made me stronger. I am fighting. I have found a will and a desire to live. I fight with every ounce of strength I have inside of me. I hold onto my lights. They guide me and provide hope. It is a hope that one day I won’t need to fight so hard, a hope that healing is possible. 

Some days I struggle to maintain this hope. I know the struggle is a part of the illnesses that have attacked me. The struggle itself isn’t what makes me stronger. My lights give me strength. I draw on their hope to grow my own. Their faith in me carries me and allows me to believe in hope for myself. This journey has not been easy. At times it has been hell. Still, I travel on. I continue forward holding on to my lights, knowing that I am healing even when I don’t see it.

 

My Journey

 

I have learned to trust my journey.

It has been a hard and arduous journey,

But I have continued onward.

Long bouts of darkness have clouded my life;

Dragged me to depths I dare not describe.

Days seemed like nights.

My life blurring into one long day.

Specks of light have glimmered throughout my journey.

Many only pausing as they passed.

A few lights have guided my travels;

Remained by my side.

My journey has a purpose.

I travel through life for a reason.

Hope flickers in the distance.

Drawing me ever closer.

I know darkness will attempt to follow me;

Always be nearby.

But now I see a destination;

Grab onto the hope that beckons me.

I allow myself to continue on this journey

Though I take on a new role.

The journey no longer controls me.

I have become my own guide.

As I continue forth the light begins to shine more often.

Breaking through the dark clouds.

My journey will continue.

As now I look forward with a smile.

Ready to embrace the light that guides me.

 

 

Get Cancer Screenings - (Formerly titled Fear)

                  I just learned that the actress, Shannen Dougherty passed away. She lost her battle with stage 4 breast cancer. Her death hit me because not only was she battling the same illness I am fighting, but she was also around my age. I read about her battle. She had been fighting for years. She chose to live as she fought. It sounds like she had a very positive approach to her battle. In the end, the cancer took her life.

                  I know this is a depression blog, but reading about Dougherty’s passing has entered my thoughts and my depression and anxiety are already at work finding similarities and making doomsday comments in my head. Maybe those thoughts would be there without the depression, but my mental illnesses intensify the thoughts. 

                  Obviously, I didn’t know Dougherty. I do know her struggle. My cancer battle has not been as long as hers, but I still understand. I am sure we shared the fear the consumes you when you hear the words stage 4 breast cancer. I would assume we both shed tears when we learned the cancer had spread to other parts of our bodies. Fear of dying likely consumed both of us. I read that she was working to raise money and awareness for cancer. She was using her fight to help others. I admire that. Even though I have cancer I have chosen to spread awareness about the mental illness I fight. Now, I wonder if I should do more for cancer awareness. This blog is my platform. So, I figure it is okay to step aside from the depression for one day and write about cancer. 

                  Let’s start with early detection. I encourage everyone to have the tests recommended by their doctors. Women, get mammograms and cervical exams. In most cases these tests will detect cancer early. You need to get these tests regularly. If you experience unusual symptoms see your doctor. It is better to check than to wait until it is too late. Early detection allows doctors to treat cancer in its beginning stages, which increases survival chances. Cancer can be an aggressive bitch. Do all you can to catch it early. 

                  Dougherty lost her battle at a young age, but she shared her story and in doing so likely encouraged some women to get mammograms. Sharing stories is important. I share my story of life with depression, anxiety, and cancer in the hopes it helps someone. We are all in this life together. If my story helps someone than it has served a purpose. My fight will not have been in vain. 

                  Reading about Dougherty while I am waiting for pet scan results scares me. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t think about my own mortality. I have pains that I can’t explain. My head tells me the pains mean more cancer. Even though my oncologist has told me that the pains are not likely cancer, my head won’t let go of those thoughts. I hope to get the results in a few days. I’m waiting for my phone to ring, hoping it is my oncologist with good news. What if it is not? Well, then I guess I jump back into fight mode. Fighting cancer is not easy, but fighting depression hasn’t been either and I’ve done it. 

                  My thoughts and prayers go out to Dougherty’s family. I hope they know that her openness about her cancer helped people. I have a much smaller platform, but I hope my openness can help others. Cancer is a terrible illness, one that hopefully doctors will eradicate someday. Until then we need to continue sharing our stories and encourage others to get the necessary tests to detect cancer early. Lives depend on it. 

Holding onto Hope

                  Living with illness can leave a person struggling to find hope.  I have experienced hopelessness throughout my life as I have fought depression and anxiety.  My battle with cancer has added to that struggle.  It is often difficult to have hope in the face of illness.

By its nature depression steals hope from people.  The voice of depression drills negative thoughts into our heads.  We become hopeless because the darkness is so consuming.  It is difficult to believe that life can get better.  The messages that surround us can range from, “I can’t do this” to “I would be better off dead.”  Depression is cruel.  It steals our hope for a better life, a healthy life.  It is important to remember that depression cannot be fought alone.

In my case, cancer has jumped into the picture.  It threatens to take my life.  Confusion sets in.  When my test results were bad, it was hard to have hope that I would be able to beat cancer.  I needed help beyond just the medical treatment I was receiving. 

Overcoming illness, whether mental or physical, or in my case, both, requires hope.  However, that hope can be difficult to summon on our own.  An important lesson I have learned is that it is okay to lean on the hope of others when I cannot find hope on my own.  My mental health team was the first to teach me that.  Dr. Klein has been by my side for a very long time.  He has never given up on me.  He has shown me that hope exists even when I don’t see it.  Just by being by my side and encouraging me, he shows me that he has hope for me and that I can hang on to his hope.  This knowledge has allowed me to pick myself back up after some really trying times. 

Dr. S shares her hope for me through her optimism.  She is always there for me and creates a view of life for me that lets me know I can get through tough times.  It was Dr. S who guided me towards TMS as a means of overcoming the depression when medication was not working.  I had reached a point where I didn’t believe I could overcome the depression, but Dr. S said TMS could help me.  With her and Dr. Klein encouraging me, I was able to take the risk and give TMS a chance.  I was holding onto their hope for me when I didn’t have hope for myself.  (If you are interested in TMS, see my posts dated, October 30 and November 13, 2023)

In the past few years, I have hit some dark times.  There was a point where the TMS didn’t seem to be working.  I was in a really dark place.  I was having self-harm and suicidal thoughts.  My team was there for me.  Stephanie realized I was at a point where I needed more than the TMS could offer.  I vividly remember her telling me there was still hope.  She reached out and let me hold onto her hope for me.  That is when I started ketamine treatment.  Through the whole process, Stephanie, Dr. Sullivan, and Dr. Klein were allowing me to hold onto their hope for me.  This gave the treatment space to get to work on me.  At times, I didn’t have hope of my own.  My world was too dark.  By holding onto their hope for me, I was able to keep fighting and eventually come out of the darkness.

Little did I know that shortly after I started healing, another illness would knock me back down.  I was diagnosed with cancer last July.  Right from the beginning I knew I couldn’t fight alone.  My primary care provider, Cristina, gave me hope starting at the moment she told me I had cancer.  Having learned to hold onto hope from my mental health team, I knew I had to trust Cristina's and her nurse, Henry’s, hope for me.  That hope led me to keep fighting to find the right oncologist to lead my battle.  Dr. St has given me hope.  The first oncologist I saw left me thinking I was going to die.  Dr. St stepped in and allowed me to lean on her hope in my cancer fight.  Cindi, the oncology nurse navigator, who encourages me to dance through my cancer treatment gives me the hope that I will beat cancer.  Dr. St and Cindi allow me to hang onto their hope.  I wouldn’t be able to do that if my mental health team hadn’t taught me how to hang on to the hope of others.  Without holding onto the hope of others, my cancer battle would be very different.

So, how do you hold onto the hope of others.  That is difficult to explain.  I don’t think there is any specific formula that I have followed.  The ability to hold onto the hope of others stems from trust.  You need to trust the person whose hope you are going to hang onto.  That person does not have to be a health care provider.  It may be family member or friend.  It may be a mentor.  The key is to be honest with that person about what you are going through.  Even when you don’t want to believe their positive words, you need to allow those words to enter your consciousness.  The words of hope may not make sense at first, but if you keep listening, they will grow stronger.  The trust it takes to do this is hard to develop.  Know that the person you are trusting has your best interest in mind.  Believe that they care about you and want you to get better.  I’ll admit this is easier to do with a physical illness.  The deep darkness of depression and suicidal thoughts are difficult to emerge from.  I know this from a lifetime of experience.  But there is a light deep within me that is kept lit by my mental health team.  In my darkest moments I must remind myself that the light is within me.  Their hope keeps it lit.  If I can just hold onto the light of their hope, I will get through the darkness.  With Dr. Klein, Dr. S, and Stephanie holding hope for me and guiding me, I believe I can get fight depression and anxiety.  

The same is true of physical illness.  You must trust your medical team in order to hang onto their hope. I trust Cristina, Henry, Dr. St and Cindi.  I know they are keeping a light of healing burning inside of me.  I am not naïve enough to believe that they are stronger than cancer, but I do believe they are able to keep me healthy enough to fight this battle.  I know Dr. St will do everything in her power to beat the cancer.  I know Cristina will take care of all my other physical health issues.

Not everyone has the same support I have.  That is an issue that we as a society need to address.  We need to ensure that everyone, regardless of socio-economic status or race has access to high-quality mental and physical healthcare.  This is one of the reasons that I support NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). As an organization, NAMI works tirelessly to help everyone get help with mental health issues.  There are many physical health organizations that people can support as well.  Since I have breast cancer, I am choosing to support a cancer organization. There are many organizations we can choose to support.  That support doesn’t always need to be monetary.  You can support an organization just by being involved.   

I will continue to lean on my mental and physical health teams to help me have hope for healing.  I am grateful I have them.  I wish that for everyone.  If you do not have someone you can lean on for hope, know that I have hope for you.  Reach out to someone you trust.  Find the right doctor, therapist, or nurse.  Join a support group.  I have been a part of support groups for both my mental and physical health.  These groups are helpful. When we have support systems in place, we can have more hope.  That hope is necessary for healing.  Don’t give up on finding hope.  You can heal.  We all can.

Reflecting on Wonderful Moments in Our Lives

                  Aware that my last two posts have been heavy, I was thinking that I wanted to write something lighter.  I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about.  The lighter topics are harder for me to write because so often the darkness of my illnesses take center stage. 

                  On Saturday night I was able to do one of my favorite things for the first time since my cancer diagnosis.  I was able to go to a concert.  To ensure I protected my health, I wore a mask.  Listening to live music has always been healing for me.  Of course, if I was going to venture out to a concert it had to be my favorite band, Styx.  I don’t want to ramble on about the concert.  I will just say that it improved my mood, and I loved it.  There was a three to four-minute time in the concert that I want to share.  

                  A song really struck me.  It is one of their newer songs and while I have heard the song before, I don’t think I have ever heard them play it live.  The title of the song is “Our Wonderful Lives”, and it was written by Tommy Shaw.  The words of the song hit me as both a cancer patient and a person with depression.  I have been in a really dark place the last couple of weeks.  My depression has been in control of my life and prevented me from seeing any positives in my life.  I have been consumed by the negative.  That is something that is common when you are fighting illnesses, especially depression.  It is difficult to cope with these feelings. 

                  The opening lines of the song hit me. “It’s a brand new day and I’m tired of the uncertain. I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.” As Tommy Shaw sang these words, I was struck by the idea of each day being new.  Things have been uncertain for me.  I have faced uncertainty because my health insurance was canceled, and I am afraid of losing my healthcare team.  Uncertainty has surfaced with my depression in the sense that when the darkness gets as bad as it has been, I don’t know if I will pull through it.  Just as the song says, “I’m tired of the uncertain.”  When uncertainty is shrouded in darkness it becomes very difficult to live with.  I want it to just end.  

                  I often describe the times of healing as light.  I heard the light’s presence in the song.  “I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.”   As I heard these words sung at the concert, I realized I need to “throw back that curtain.”  In my mind he was singing about the light of healing.  I felt it fill me.  I realized that I need to search for the “sun”.  If I can “throw back the curtain” of depression and the mental effects of cancer, I can find healing.  I don’t mean to oversimplify it.  Looking for that sunlight is hard.  I am very aware that I can’t always do it on my own.  Sometimes I can open the curtain on my own.  Other times I need help.  That is a part of having illnesses.  Accepting help is crucial to finding the sun’s light.  

                  There is another part of the song that reminded me that there are wonderful things in my life even when I struggle to see them.  The song continues, “While the dark clouds hover nearby, we won’t give in yet. We shall not forget. We still have our wonderful lives.”  Wow!  Those words hit me during the concert.  It was as if the band was playing directly to me.  The dark clouds of depression and cancer are always nearby.  Despite that I have managed to keep trying to overcome my illnesses.  I haven’t given in yet.  I keep fighting even though the darkness is always nearby.

                  Just as important, there are “wonderful” things and people in my life.  Sometimes we don’t see the wonderful life that surrounds us.  We lose sight because the darkness of our illnesses can be so deep.  This song made me realize that there are many wonderful people and things in my life.  I have family members and friends who have helped me.  I have my health care team, both mental and physical, who are always by my side, lifting me up into the light.  I have my writing.  This blog, my journal, and the book I am writing all lift my mood and separate me from the darkness.  I have my art.  While I am not the best painter, I find joy in painting.  I have music.  Styx made me more aware of that Saturday night.  The words of a song threw back the curtain for me.           

                  When I need to remember that each day is a “brand new day”, I will listen to this song.  I will let it remind me that I haven’t given in to the darkness.  Even though it will be hard, I will try to focus some of my attention on the wonderful things in my life.  I realize that this is all easy for me to write here.  Doing it will be harder.  That difficulty is part of the territory with depression.  The darkness is often in charge.  It takes effort to see the sun’s light.  Healing is not a solitary process.   I need to remember that I have wonderful people I can reach out to when I need help.  There might be times when I need someone else to throw back the curtain for me.  Other times just reminding me to do it myself might be enough.  

The sun comes up each morning after the darkness of the night.  I need to convince myself that even though there are dark clouds in my life, there is also light.  A song brought me some insight into myself.  That is why I love live music.  This is not the first time a song has brought me healing.  I think that means I need to keep listening.