Rethinking Depression: We Don’t Need Fixing, We Need Rediscovery

        True healing is not the fixing of the broken, but the rediscovery of the unbroken

– Jeff Foster

 

                  Often, we think of healing as fixing something that is not well or broken. I would like to delve into that idea. Is there more to healing than just fixing something? With my depression I have always thought of being trapped in a darkness more than being broken. That being said, I still require healing. Am I broken or do I carry a heavy load that blankets me in darkness?  I know I need healing to escape that darkness. How does that healing take place? How do we rediscover what was not broken, but rather shrouded in darkness?

                  Most of my life I have felt lost in the darkness. Despite that overwhelming feeling of darkness, at times, it has also felt like a brokeness. Perhaps, the idea of brokeness stems from how others view depression. The stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses leaves us feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow broken. Still deep down, I do not think I am broken. Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Yes, life is difficult at times. However, I think those difficulties arise when the world loses its color. It is when the darkness sets in that I struggle and cannot see the light in my world.

Healing from depression does not require fixing my brain or fixing something that is not working inside of me. Instead, I need to rediscover (or maybe discover) the light in my life. I need to find the aspects of me that bring me pleasure and allow me to engage with others. For many of us living with depression, the ability to experience pleasure is lost. With depression we lose the ability to fully engage with others. When we consider healing, what we need is to rediscover these abilities. We may even need to discover them for the first time. That is why healing from depression is about rediscovery and not fixing something that is broken. 

Healing is about rediscovering these abilities that bring us pleasure. It is rediscovering how to fully experience these things. The darkness of depression has hidden pleasure, our ability to engage in life, and our ability to be fully present. Healing allows us to rediscover what the darkness has hidden. 

Healing looks different for each of us. Our paths may appear different. For some a combination of medication and therapy brings healing. For others it is a combination of therapy and TMS or esketamine that allows rediscovery to occur. Therapy is often a key component of the healing process no matter which route we choose. In therapy we work to find the light that depression has snuffed out. We learn strategies to help us. We learn what experiencing pleasure looks like for us. We learn how to find joy. Therapy allows us to rediscover what we need to live life in the light of healing. 

There is no shame when we are unable to rediscover what brings us pleasure. Healing takes time. It is not linear. Healing can be a scrambled mess with ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We are not being fixed. We are engaging in a process of rediscovery. That means we need to work at healing. We need support systems. We need people in our lives who are invested in our healing. These people guide us in rediscovering what the darkness of depression has shut out of our lives. 

When you live with depression, healing is not about being fixed. It is about engaging in the process of rediscovery. It requires searching for what brings us pleasure. At times depression is going to be heavy. Its darkness will be consuming. We need to allow ourselves the grace to search for rediscovery at our own pace.

Viewing healing as rediscovery rather than fixing allows us to recognize that there is not something wrong with us. There is a blanket of darkness over us, but we can rediscover how to lift that blanket. We can find the light of healing and rediscover what brings us pleasure in life. Depression is not something to be fixed. Rather it is a darkness that can be replaced by light. Think about the title of this blog, Bent Not Broken, Living with Depression. We are not broken; we are just a little bent and need to rediscover what brings us pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

The Importance of Support and Connection

                  Living with an illness, whether mental or physical is difficult. Despite our best efforts we often cannot get through it alone. We have doctors, therapists, family, and friends to help us. Sometimes that is not enough. There is something missing. We need the support of those who understand what we are going through. While family and friends will try, and many are there for whatever we need, there is a sense of understanding that is missing. This is where support groups can be valuable.

                  A support group is an organized group of people living with the same condition or situation. I have gone to support groups for my mental health and for cancer. These groups and the people in the groups have helped me and I hope I have helped others.  A support group is a safe space to talk about what we are going through. It is a place where we find understanding and connection. 

                  Currently, I attend a cancer support group for people with stage 4 cancer. It is led by two therapists. We are on Zoom, which makes attending easier. I have been struggling with something related to my cancer. I was hesitant to share what I had experienced and how it had affected me because I thought it was insignificant compared to what others are going through. I forced myself to share. I was met with understanding and connection. I was able to talk about the situation and hear the perspective of others. It was helpful for me. Perhaps understanding and connection are the gifts of support groups. 

                  The therapist who leads the group said that every story matters. That struck me. I think our stories are all connected in some way. In this group maybe it is that we all know the struggle to keep living despite our diagnoses. Maybe it is that we are all battling an illness and still need to deal with everything else life throws at us. Our stories are connected in some way. That connection is our humanity. 

                  I have felt similar connections in mental health support groups. I have attended support groups facilitated through NAMI. They have a group called Connections (NAMI Connections). These groups are for individuals living with a mental illness and are facilitated by trained peers who have a mental illness. These groups also thrive on connection. I feel safe in these groups. I can share what I am going through and listen to the stories of others. Together we can thrive. 

Sometimes you need to be ready for a support group or you might have to try a couple to find the right one. I remember years ago I attended a support group for depression. I was not in place where I was ready for that kind of sharing and connection. It wasn’t a good fit for me at that particular time. Maybe it was the group. Maybe it was me. Either way I wasn’t in a place where I could share with others. I was closed in, which isn’t healthy.

 Luckily, in time, I found NAMI and later the cancer support group I am a part of. I am able to be a part of the connection now. It benefits me even on the days when I don’t say much. Just listening helps me on some days.

Support groups don’t always have to be formal. I think about when I was teaching. Lunch time was our support group time. Of course, we thought we were just having lunch together. We were all teachers. We went through similar experiences. During this break in our day, we shared our stories Our day-to-day struggles as teachers were discussed and understood. This was our time for connection and support. My experiences lie in teaching, but I imagine there are similar experiences in other careers.

Finding connection when we are faced with struggle, especially illness, is crucial. It helps us maintain a sense of power over our struggle by letting us know we are not alone. Connection allows us to work through our struggles with the support of others who understand. I am grateful that support groups are a part of my healing process. While each of our journeys is unique, we all face similar challenges. Together we can work through them and live our best lives. 

 

Connection

                  There are a lot of different treatments for depression and other mental illnesses. Some of these include therapy, medication, transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), esketamine, and ECT. These can each be effective. Some work better than others depending on the individual. Each are important treatments. These treatments are not enough in isolation. The person providing the treatment is just as important as the treatment itself. It is the connection between patient and provider that dictates the full efficacy of the treatment. 

                  While I have had the same psychologist providing therapy for a very long time, I have had several psychiatrists over the years. I have a strong connection to my psychologist. That allows my therapy to be effective for me. It plays its role in my healing. For most of us therapy alone is not enough to defeat depression. That is where psychiatrists enter treatment. Part of the psychiatrist’s role is to prescribe medication that will work in concert with the therapy. I first saw a psychiatrist over 20 years ago. Since then, I have seen several different ones. Something was always missing. It wasn’t until I started seeing my current psychiatrist, who I have been seeing for several years now, that I understood that there must be a connection between patient and psychiatrist. That connection makes a huge difference.

                  What do I mean by connection? It is the relationship between provider and patient The psychiatrist needs to listen to what is being said by the patient. Out of all the previous psychiatrists I saw only one listened. I only saw him for a short time because he moved away. His listening started a connection, but it wasn’t enough. It begins with listening, but there also needs to be a sense of interest in the patient’s care. I never felt like my previous psychiatrists saw me. Some of them never looked up from their computer or prescription pad. How can you know what a patient needs if you don’t look them in the eye? It was always a refill or a new prescription and see you next month.

                  Connection was missing. Whether it is a therapist/psychologist or psychiatrist there needs to be connection. What is connection? It is the sense that both sides are invested in what is being discussed. Connection drives the patient/provider interaction. It allows the interaction to be beneficial and lead to healing. 

The same connection is needed for other treatments. My experiences with TMS and esketamine were enhanced because of the connection between the psychiatric nurse practitioner providing the treatment and me. The trust that builds up makes the treatment even more effective. It is a part of human nature to seek out connection. Without that connection, treatment cannot be truly successful.

It is often difficult to trust others when you live with depression or other mental illnesses. Connection does not develop easily. We become used to the lack of understanding that surrounds our illnesses. We know the ridicule all too well. That makes it difficult for us to reach out or to trust. We need connection, but we fear the lack of understanding that we are often met with instead of connection. 

I believe that I would not have found the healing I have found if it were not for the connection I have with my mental health team. Being connected to them allows me to trust in their care. It allows me to share whatever I need to discuss and know that it will be met with openness and genuine understanding. 

I don’t know what training programs for mental health providers consist of, but I hope it includes instruction on how to develop connection with patients. Most of the providers I saw who I did not connect with were older. Maybe training programs are improving. I would like to share my experience with and understanding of connection with mental health providers so that those coming into the profession understand what is needed. I share my stories here in the hopes that they are read by those who can make a difference. My blog has a small audience right now, but I hope to grow it. I hope people will share my posts and that more people will understand mental health. I’ll continue to write. I will continue to be a voice in the hopes that it helps those with mental illness as well as those who provide care for us.