Rethinking Depression: We Don’t Need Fixing, We Need Rediscovery

        True healing is not the fixing of the broken, but the rediscovery of the unbroken

– Jeff Foster

 

                  Often, we think of healing as fixing something that is not well or broken. I would like to delve into that idea. Is there more to healing than just fixing something? With my depression I have always thought of being trapped in a darkness more than being broken. That being said, I still require healing. Am I broken or do I carry a heavy load that blankets me in darkness?  I know I need healing to escape that darkness. How does that healing take place? How do we rediscover what was not broken, but rather shrouded in darkness?

                  Most of my life I have felt lost in the darkness. Despite that overwhelming feeling of darkness, at times, it has also felt like a brokeness. Perhaps, the idea of brokeness stems from how others view depression. The stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses leaves us feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow broken. Still deep down, I do not think I am broken. Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Yes, life is difficult at times. However, I think those difficulties arise when the world loses its color. It is when the darkness sets in that I struggle and cannot see the light in my world.

Healing from depression does not require fixing my brain or fixing something that is not working inside of me. Instead, I need to rediscover (or maybe discover) the light in my life. I need to find the aspects of me that bring me pleasure and allow me to engage with others. For many of us living with depression, the ability to experience pleasure is lost. With depression we lose the ability to fully engage with others. When we consider healing, what we need is to rediscover these abilities. We may even need to discover them for the first time. That is why healing from depression is about rediscovery and not fixing something that is broken. 

Healing is about rediscovering these abilities that bring us pleasure. It is rediscovering how to fully experience these things. The darkness of depression has hidden pleasure, our ability to engage in life, and our ability to be fully present. Healing allows us to rediscover what the darkness has hidden. 

Healing looks different for each of us. Our paths may appear different. For some a combination of medication and therapy brings healing. For others it is a combination of therapy and TMS or esketamine that allows rediscovery to occur. Therapy is often a key component of the healing process no matter which route we choose. In therapy we work to find the light that depression has snuffed out. We learn strategies to help us. We learn what experiencing pleasure looks like for us. We learn how to find joy. Therapy allows us to rediscover what we need to live life in the light of healing. 

There is no shame when we are unable to rediscover what brings us pleasure. Healing takes time. It is not linear. Healing can be a scrambled mess with ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We are not being fixed. We are engaging in a process of rediscovery. That means we need to work at healing. We need support systems. We need people in our lives who are invested in our healing. These people guide us in rediscovering what the darkness of depression has shut out of our lives. 

When you live with depression, healing is not about being fixed. It is about engaging in the process of rediscovery. It requires searching for what brings us pleasure. At times depression is going to be heavy. Its darkness will be consuming. We need to allow ourselves the grace to search for rediscovery at our own pace.

Viewing healing as rediscovery rather than fixing allows us to recognize that there is not something wrong with us. There is a blanket of darkness over us, but we can rediscover how to lift that blanket. We can find the light of healing and rediscover what brings us pleasure in life. Depression is not something to be fixed. Rather it is a darkness that can be replaced by light. Think about the title of this blog, Bent Not Broken, Living with Depression. We are not broken; we are just a little bent and need to rediscover what brings us pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

Healing Brings Light

 Healing takes much time,

But brings with it a new light.

A light that shines bright.

 

                  As I have discussed in this blog many times, writing is healing for me. Sometimes I like to challenge myself with my writing. So, I have tried my hand at haikus. The above haiku is one I wrote the other day about healing. When I wrote it I was referring to healing from depression, but I think it applies to all types of healing.

                  I have been on a lifelong journey to find healing from depression and anxiety. It has not been easy. Healing takes effort. That can pose a problem when you live with depression and anxiety. Often, these illnesses steal my ability to exert the effort necessary to heal. Losing this ability makes it difficult to heal. I want to heal, but the depression tells me not to get out of bed. At times it tells me that it is not worth fighting for healing. Depression is a darkness with a loud voice. As depression tells me I cannot heal, it shrouds me in darkness. This darkness makes it impossible for me to heal on my own. Coping strategies are rendered useless as I sink further into the darkness. 

I need to reach out for help. I have found that help in therapy, work with my psychiatrist, TMS, and esketamine. These take time to work. Each requires me to tell the darkness that I want to heal. The effort required to engage in these treatments is difficult to summon, but I know I must try. I understand that healing takes time. Depression is not going to go away overnight. It has been a part of my life for too long. I trust that the treatments will bring me into the light of healing. That light will be bright. It will comfort me and provide hope. 

One thing I learned is that depression will always be a part of my life. It is just the way my brain is wired. Despite this I can experience times of light. This healing will last for different amounts of time. When the depression seeps back in, I need to remind myself that I have seen the light of healing. I need to remember that healing is possible. It has shined before and will again. I may need help remembering, but I have a mental health team who will remind me. 

What if you don’t have a mental health provider? How can you find help remembering that light exists? Maybe you can write reminders on a Post-it note and place in a place where you will see it each day. You can keep a journal and return to the where you have written during times of healing. Another strategy might be to ask a friend or family member to remind you when they see you slipping. You can join a support group through a mental health program. NAMI offers the Connections group to allow people living with mental illness to support each other in a safe environment. 

One of the things to remember is that the work doesn’t stop when the darkness of depression or other mental illnesses lifts. We must maintain the work when we are in times of healing. This will lay the groundwork for help when the darkness returns. In essence we are building a safety net with this work. It will allow us to return to the light when we are faced with darkness. 

I know I write a lot about darkness and light. These images allow me to understand my depression. It makes sense to me. I feel the darkness of depression and I have experienced the light of healing. I hope that others suffering from mental illness find hope in my description. We all have our own understanding of our mental illness. For me darkness and light describe depression and healing. I encourage others to find the image that works for them. If my image works for you, please use it. We all need to find whatever helps us heal. 

                  

Rough Times Do Not Undo Progress

                  I saw something the other day that discussed how hitting a rough time does not undo the progress a person has made. It was something I needed to hear. Sometimes when my depression gets worse, or my anxiety ticks up the darkness starts to consume me. It is easy to forget the progress I have made on my mental health journey. I’m lucky to have a team supporting me who remind me of my progress and encourage me to keep going.

                  One aspect of depression that I have experienced is the waves of darkness that float in and out of my life. I will have rough times and then treatment will lead me into the light of healing. I will feel better during these times. When things get rough, I start to forget what the light of healing feels like. I think that is normal part of living with depression. It is not a welcomed part, but it is a part of the illness.

                  Talking with members of my mental health team helps me remember that depression can get better. Treatment can ease the darkness that suffocates me. Talking about the depression with them allows me to focus on healing. They remind me that rough times do not last. It takes work to get out of the depression’s bad times. I need to work on coping skills in therapy. Also, I need to practice those skills outside of therapy. For me that means writing, walking, creating art, and using positive self-talk. I must admit that sometimes it is hard to engage in these coping strategies. When depression is choking me, I don’t want to do anything. I want to stay in bed and hide from depression. I want my mind to shut off. Sometimes when the depression is at its worst, I even want to end my life. That is one of the scariest parts of living with depression. I lose hope at times and reach the point of not wanting to continue. Thankfully, I have learned that I can reach out and more importantly need to reach out to my mental health team in those times.

                  Another thing I have learned is that depression’s rough times have another side. Healing does exist. Sometimes it takes a little work to find it, but it can be found. That is part of why I talk about mental health so much. The idea that healing is possible is the impetus of this blog. I want others to know that the darkness we feel when depression is in control doesn’t have to be permanent. We can fight back. We can find the light of healing. I know that in the midst of a depressive episode it is hard to believe the light is out there waiting for us. I’ve spent my life learning this. Even after all these years I need reminders that rough times don’t last. I hope this blog serves as a reminder for others that it is possible to get out from under the shackles of depression. 

                  I have made a lot of progress in my battle with depression. When I hit a rough time, it is hard to remember that I have made progress. Rough times do not undo progress. I don’t know if rough times make us stronger. I think they hurt more than anything. But we can push through them. Rough times do not define us. Just like depression rides in on waves, so to does healing. Our goal is to hang on to those times of healing. Enjoy them and live our lives. We need to continue to work on coping skills even in the times of healing. Those skills will carry into the rough times and help us cope. 

                  Rough times exist when you have an illness like depression, but they don’t have to be our sole reality. We work to get through those times and lean on our support systems. If you don’t have a support system, I urge you to reach out and create one. You can join support groups and take classes through organizations like NAMI (https://www.nami.org/). Talk to your primary care provider about a referral to therapy or a psychiatrist. Start a discussion with friends or family who might be able to support you. This can be a hard step. Openness helps when talking to family and friends. Not all of them will understand, but it is worth trying. 

                  Depression creates rough times. There are times of darkness when it is difficult to function. We can get through these times with help. As difficult as it is, we must trust that the light of healing is out there waiting for us. We need to give ourselves permission to look for that light. Not an easy task, but one that is worth it.