Rethinking Depression: We Don’t Need Fixing, We Need Rediscovery

        True healing is not the fixing of the broken, but the rediscovery of the unbroken

– Jeff Foster

 

                  Often, we think of healing as fixing something that is not well or broken. I would like to delve into that idea. Is there more to healing than just fixing something? With my depression I have always thought of being trapped in a darkness more than being broken. That being said, I still require healing. Am I broken or do I carry a heavy load that blankets me in darkness?  I know I need healing to escape that darkness. How does that healing take place? How do we rediscover what was not broken, but rather shrouded in darkness?

                  Most of my life I have felt lost in the darkness. Despite that overwhelming feeling of darkness, at times, it has also felt like a brokeness. Perhaps, the idea of brokeness stems from how others view depression. The stigma attached to depression and other mental illnesses leaves us feeling that there is something wrong with us, that we are somehow broken. Still deep down, I do not think I am broken. Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Yes, life is difficult at times. However, I think those difficulties arise when the world loses its color. It is when the darkness sets in that I struggle and cannot see the light in my world.

Healing from depression does not require fixing my brain or fixing something that is not working inside of me. Instead, I need to rediscover (or maybe discover) the light in my life. I need to find the aspects of me that bring me pleasure and allow me to engage with others. For many of us living with depression, the ability to experience pleasure is lost. With depression we lose the ability to fully engage with others. When we consider healing, what we need is to rediscover these abilities. We may even need to discover them for the first time. That is why healing from depression is about rediscovery and not fixing something that is broken. 

Healing is about rediscovering these abilities that bring us pleasure. It is rediscovering how to fully experience these things. The darkness of depression has hidden pleasure, our ability to engage in life, and our ability to be fully present. Healing allows us to rediscover what the darkness has hidden. 

Healing looks different for each of us. Our paths may appear different. For some a combination of medication and therapy brings healing. For others it is a combination of therapy and TMS or esketamine that allows rediscovery to occur. Therapy is often a key component of the healing process no matter which route we choose. In therapy we work to find the light that depression has snuffed out. We learn strategies to help us. We learn what experiencing pleasure looks like for us. We learn how to find joy. Therapy allows us to rediscover what we need to live life in the light of healing. 

There is no shame when we are unable to rediscover what brings us pleasure. Healing takes time. It is not linear. Healing can be a scrambled mess with ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We are not being fixed. We are engaging in a process of rediscovery. That means we need to work at healing. We need support systems. We need people in our lives who are invested in our healing. These people guide us in rediscovering what the darkness of depression has shut out of our lives. 

When you live with depression, healing is not about being fixed. It is about engaging in the process of rediscovery. It requires searching for what brings us pleasure. At times depression is going to be heavy. Its darkness will be consuming. We need to allow ourselves the grace to search for rediscovery at our own pace.

Viewing healing as rediscovery rather than fixing allows us to recognize that there is not something wrong with us. There is a blanket of darkness over us, but we can rediscover how to lift that blanket. We can find the light of healing and rediscover what brings us pleasure in life. Depression is not something to be fixed. Rather it is a darkness that can be replaced by light. Think about the title of this blog, Bent Not Broken, Living with Depression. We are not broken; we are just a little bent and need to rediscover what brings us pleasure.

 

 

 

 

 

Pulling Yourself Out of the Darkness

                  Usually, people who do not live with depression do not realize how difficult it is to pull yourself out of a dark place. It is difficult to understand something you have never experienced. The dark place depression drops us into is cavernous. It is painful yet at the same time numbing. When we are in this place, it is difficult to see a way out of it. As someone who has been there, I often find myself fearing the next trip into the darkness. I know it is always lurking, waiting to swallow me into the abyss.

                  Fortunately, I have been able to climb out of the dark depths when depression has taken over. It is never an easy climb. I usually need help to make the ascent. There are often setbacks along the way. Sometimes it takes longer than other times. If you have never struggled with depression, it is hard to comprehend how difficult it is to climb out of a deep depression. Think of it as being like falling into a well. You are surrounded by darkness. The walls are closing in around you. There is no ladder or rope to climb up. You know you need to escape, but it seems impossible. That is depression. 

                  So, how do we get out of the well? How do we climb out of depression? One thing we must do is remind ourselves that there is hope. There is a light waiting for us. We need to ask for help. This might be reaching out to a therapist or psychiatrist. It will often include medication or other treatments. Relying on the coping skills we have learned over time is valuable. We need to recognize that we are not going to climb out without help. Depression does not just shut off. It takes effort. Sometimes we do not have the strength to make that effort. In those times we may find ourselves trapped longer in the darkness. It is a difficult place to be.

                  If you have pulled yourself out of a dark depression, give yourself a pat on the back. You have accomplished something very difficult. If you know someone who has pulled themselves out of a dark depression, give them credit for the work they have done. It is hard work. It takes a strength that many people do not realize they possess. Living with depression requires strength. Some days just getting out of bed takes effort. Going through the motions of life takes strength. I honestly believe that when we live with depression, we possess a strength that we do not realize.  That strength allows us to fight the depression. 

                  Strength also means understanding when we need help. We cannot fight depression alone. Depression is an ugly illness hellbent on tearing us down. It is usually not possible to fight it on our own all the time. Asking for help is okay. It is a sign of strength not weakness. As alone as we feel in the darkness of depression, there is help. We can climb out of it. We do not have to remain trapped in that well of darkness. 

 

 

 

 

 

                   

Rough Times Do Not Undo Progress

                  I saw something the other day that discussed how hitting a rough time does not undo the progress a person has made. It was something I needed to hear. Sometimes when my depression gets worse, or my anxiety ticks up the darkness starts to consume me. It is easy to forget the progress I have made on my mental health journey. I’m lucky to have a team supporting me who remind me of my progress and encourage me to keep going.

                  One aspect of depression that I have experienced is the waves of darkness that float in and out of my life. I will have rough times and then treatment will lead me into the light of healing. I will feel better during these times. When things get rough, I start to forget what the light of healing feels like. I think that is normal part of living with depression. It is not a welcomed part, but it is a part of the illness.

                  Talking with members of my mental health team helps me remember that depression can get better. Treatment can ease the darkness that suffocates me. Talking about the depression with them allows me to focus on healing. They remind me that rough times do not last. It takes work to get out of the depression’s bad times. I need to work on coping skills in therapy. Also, I need to practice those skills outside of therapy. For me that means writing, walking, creating art, and using positive self-talk. I must admit that sometimes it is hard to engage in these coping strategies. When depression is choking me, I don’t want to do anything. I want to stay in bed and hide from depression. I want my mind to shut off. Sometimes when the depression is at its worst, I even want to end my life. That is one of the scariest parts of living with depression. I lose hope at times and reach the point of not wanting to continue. Thankfully, I have learned that I can reach out and more importantly need to reach out to my mental health team in those times.

                  Another thing I have learned is that depression’s rough times have another side. Healing does exist. Sometimes it takes a little work to find it, but it can be found. That is part of why I talk about mental health so much. The idea that healing is possible is the impetus of this blog. I want others to know that the darkness we feel when depression is in control doesn’t have to be permanent. We can fight back. We can find the light of healing. I know that in the midst of a depressive episode it is hard to believe the light is out there waiting for us. I’ve spent my life learning this. Even after all these years I need reminders that rough times don’t last. I hope this blog serves as a reminder for others that it is possible to get out from under the shackles of depression. 

                  I have made a lot of progress in my battle with depression. When I hit a rough time, it is hard to remember that I have made progress. Rough times do not undo progress. I don’t know if rough times make us stronger. I think they hurt more than anything. But we can push through them. Rough times do not define us. Just like depression rides in on waves, so to does healing. Our goal is to hang on to those times of healing. Enjoy them and live our lives. We need to continue to work on coping skills even in the times of healing. Those skills will carry into the rough times and help us cope. 

                  Rough times exist when you have an illness like depression, but they don’t have to be our sole reality. We work to get through those times and lean on our support systems. If you don’t have a support system, I urge you to reach out and create one. You can join support groups and take classes through organizations like NAMI (https://www.nami.org/). Talk to your primary care provider about a referral to therapy or a psychiatrist. Start a discussion with friends or family who might be able to support you. This can be a hard step. Openness helps when talking to family and friends. Not all of them will understand, but it is worth trying. 

                  Depression creates rough times. There are times of darkness when it is difficult to function. We can get through these times with help. As difficult as it is, we must trust that the light of healing is out there waiting for us. We need to give ourselves permission to look for that light. Not an easy task, but one that is worth it.

 

Reflecting on Wonderful Moments in Our Lives

                  Aware that my last two posts have been heavy, I was thinking that I wanted to write something lighter.  I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about.  The lighter topics are harder for me to write because so often the darkness of my illnesses take center stage. 

                  On Saturday night I was able to do one of my favorite things for the first time since my cancer diagnosis.  I was able to go to a concert.  To ensure I protected my health, I wore a mask.  Listening to live music has always been healing for me.  Of course, if I was going to venture out to a concert it had to be my favorite band, Styx.  I don’t want to ramble on about the concert.  I will just say that it improved my mood, and I loved it.  There was a three to four-minute time in the concert that I want to share.  

                  A song really struck me.  It is one of their newer songs and while I have heard the song before, I don’t think I have ever heard them play it live.  The title of the song is “Our Wonderful Lives”, and it was written by Tommy Shaw.  The words of the song hit me as both a cancer patient and a person with depression.  I have been in a really dark place the last couple of weeks.  My depression has been in control of my life and prevented me from seeing any positives in my life.  I have been consumed by the negative.  That is something that is common when you are fighting illnesses, especially depression.  It is difficult to cope with these feelings. 

                  The opening lines of the song hit me. “It’s a brand new day and I’m tired of the uncertain. I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.” As Tommy Shaw sang these words, I was struck by the idea of each day being new.  Things have been uncertain for me.  I have faced uncertainty because my health insurance was canceled, and I am afraid of losing my healthcare team.  Uncertainty has surfaced with my depression in the sense that when the darkness gets as bad as it has been, I don’t know if I will pull through it.  Just as the song says, “I’m tired of the uncertain.”  When uncertainty is shrouded in darkness it becomes very difficult to live with.  I want it to just end.  

                  I often describe the times of healing as light.  I heard the light’s presence in the song.  “I’m throwing back the curtain for some sun on my face.”   As I heard these words sung at the concert, I realized I need to “throw back that curtain.”  In my mind he was singing about the light of healing.  I felt it fill me.  I realized that I need to search for the “sun”.  If I can “throw back the curtain” of depression and the mental effects of cancer, I can find healing.  I don’t mean to oversimplify it.  Looking for that sunlight is hard.  I am very aware that I can’t always do it on my own.  Sometimes I can open the curtain on my own.  Other times I need help.  That is a part of having illnesses.  Accepting help is crucial to finding the sun’s light.  

                  There is another part of the song that reminded me that there are wonderful things in my life even when I struggle to see them.  The song continues, “While the dark clouds hover nearby, we won’t give in yet. We shall not forget. We still have our wonderful lives.”  Wow!  Those words hit me during the concert.  It was as if the band was playing directly to me.  The dark clouds of depression and cancer are always nearby.  Despite that I have managed to keep trying to overcome my illnesses.  I haven’t given in yet.  I keep fighting even though the darkness is always nearby.

                  Just as important, there are “wonderful” things and people in my life.  Sometimes we don’t see the wonderful life that surrounds us.  We lose sight because the darkness of our illnesses can be so deep.  This song made me realize that there are many wonderful people and things in my life.  I have family members and friends who have helped me.  I have my health care team, both mental and physical, who are always by my side, lifting me up into the light.  I have my writing.  This blog, my journal, and the book I am writing all lift my mood and separate me from the darkness.  I have my art.  While I am not the best painter, I find joy in painting.  I have music.  Styx made me more aware of that Saturday night.  The words of a song threw back the curtain for me.           

                  When I need to remember that each day is a “brand new day”, I will listen to this song.  I will let it remind me that I haven’t given in to the darkness.  Even though it will be hard, I will try to focus some of my attention on the wonderful things in my life.  I realize that this is all easy for me to write here.  Doing it will be harder.  That difficulty is part of the territory with depression.  The darkness is often in charge.  It takes effort to see the sun’s light.  Healing is not a solitary process.   I need to remember that I have wonderful people I can reach out to when I need help.  There might be times when I need someone else to throw back the curtain for me.  Other times just reminding me to do it myself might be enough.  

The sun comes up each morning after the darkness of the night.  I need to convince myself that even though there are dark clouds in my life, there is also light.  A song brought me some insight into myself.  That is why I love live music.  This is not the first time a song has brought me healing.  I think that means I need to keep listening.