Different Sides of Depression

            Often depression is described as low mood, sadness, being down, darkness, or low affect.  Those are all part of it, but there are other aspects of depression, too.  One I struggle with is irritability.  Sometimes when my mood is very low, the heaviness and darkness I feel transitions into irritability.  My mood continues to drop, but I also feel very agitated.  Little things set off negative thoughts in my head.  I feel a sense of anger building in me.  At these times I don’t want to be around anyone.  I fear I will be set off by something inconsequential.  I fear my anger will show at times it normally wouldn’t.

For me the low mood starts first.  Sometimes I feel really drained before the irritability starts.  The irritability courses through me. It is as if I can physically feel it. It is like a fire rising inside of me.  I feel it crawling through me.  I want it to stop, but I find it difficult to relax.  My thoughts are all negative.  I hear the voice in my mind saying that everything is too much.  At these times I want to escape the situation.

Unfortunately, that need to escape sometimes manifests in suicidal thoughts.  Those thoughts make the situation worse.  I know that I won’t make an attempt on my life.  Cancer has taught me to value the time I have.  Still, the thoughts are there.  It is in these moments that I need to write.  I try to let the thoughts pour out of my pen.  For me the problem is if I don’t start writing soon enough.  If the depression and irritability build, I struggle to ease their effects on me. At these moments crawling into bed is often my only option.  It is hard to talk to others about the way I feel.  That leaves me feeling isolated.  Depression is an isolating illness.  It has left me on the outside looking in most of my life.

I imagine others who are diagnosed with depression experience similar feelings.  There is nothing neat and orderly about depression.  We all have our own unique experiences with this illness.  At the same time, we are bonded by the manifestations of depression we experience.  Some days depression looks different than other days.  Some days my depression is low mood.  Other days, it is a discouraged outlook on life. It is still depression.  No matter how it manifests, depression is still a painful illness.  

Support groups can help ease the isolation that depression causes.  NAMI offers support groups and peer classes.  There are other places to find support groups.  You can try asking a therapist or inquiring at your local hospital.  Right now, I am not in a mental health support group.  I am attending a cancer support group.  That is what I need at this point, but I plan to go back to a depression support group.  I know it will help me.  I encourage anyone struggling with the effects of depression, however they manifest for you, to join a support group. 

 

Here is a link to NAMI to begin your search: 

https://www.nami.org/Home

A Look at Myself

            I don’t know what I want to write about today.  One thing that has been on my mind is an incident that happened the other day.  As most of you know, I am bald because of chemotherapy.  I wear a hat when I am out in public.  As I was standing in line at a restaurant a young man reached in front of me and said, “Excuse me, sir.”  He called me sir.  I know I am bald, but I don’t think I look like a man.  I realize I don’t have the figure I once had due to a breast reduction, but I thought I still looked like a woman.  I wanted to respond.  I wanted to say, “I’m not a dude.  I have cancer.” Instead, I stood there quietly and looked away.  The word “sir” hurt.  I know I shouldn’t let it.  The young man didn’t mean anything by it. At least he was polite.  A lot of people don’t say “excuse me” anymore.  

            Cancer has changed my perspective on life.  It has made me value the time I do have.  Cancer has made me want to fight to live.  Through my diagnosis and treatment, I have found a fight in me that I didn’t know existed.  Cancer has changed me physically.  I am weak.  I can’t walk very far without getting fatigued.  It has left me with discolored skin.  I am now bald.  It’s this last piece that has me looking like a man.  Until this incident I thought I was okay with my hair loss.  Now, I wonder if I should get a wig.  When I lost my hair, I made the decision not to get a wig.  I told myself that even without hair I am still me.  I am the same person I was with hair.  Well, I am still a woman.  

            This young man had no idea how much his words impacted me.  My cousin, Sara, and my friend, Maria, encouraged me when I told them what had happened.  They helped me focus on the fact that it was just an unobservant person trying to be polite.  They told me I look fine.  I am trying to believe them.  

            As I write this, my nose has begun to bleed.  Another reminder of the cancer.  Will it ever stop?  Will the reminders always be there?  

I cleaned up the blood and returned to my computer screen.  Still, it is annoying.  Cancer has changed me in more ways than I want to admit.  Yes, it has changed my perspective on life.  I value my life more.  Unfortunately, I also have more fears.  Every pain I feel makes me question if it is cancer.  My mind is consumed by the thought that someday the cancer will take my life.  I am waiting on blood work results.  My mind is telling me that the results haven’t come back yet because it is bad news.  I know that is ridiculous.  It probably just takes time to get the results.  Yet, my mind seizes every opportunity to think the worst.  Some of it is my anxiety disorder.  I am aware of that.  Cancer just added another layer to my anxiety.

            I know I should call about the results, but my mind is debating that.  If I don’t call, I won’t receive bad news.  On the other hand, if do call I might find relief.  What do I do?  I sit here unsure of my next step.  I write about it.  Get it all out on the page.  As I mentioned in my last post, writing is healing for me.  I am not sure if what I am writing now is healing or if it is just distracting me.  

            Cancer has changed me in good ways and bad ways.  I need to work on coping with all the changes.  That is why I attend a support group.  It is why I have a mental health team.  It is why I lean on family and friends.  I can’t do this alone.  Fighting illness requires a team approach.

 

Being Present

           I am not feeling well.  My mood has dropped.  Since writing is healing for me, I decided to try writing a post.  Maybe it will lift my mood.  At the very least it will occupy my mind and hush the voice of depression for a bit.

            Sometimes I am asked how to help someone who is struggling with depression.  That question has several answers.  It really depends on the individual.  I will share one way others have helped me.  

            One thing I have found others can do to be helpful when I am struggling to just be present.  I don’t need someone to give me advice or to tell me I am okay.  That actually doesn’t help because depression causes my mind to argue with those sentiments.  What helps me the most is when someone just sits with me and is present.  They don’t really have to say anything in particular.  Just knowing I am not alone is helpful.  

            What does being present mean?  It is simple really.  Maybe we just sit in the same space and watch a television show or listen to music.  It can be doing a craft together.  Being preset might be taking a walk with me.  Words don’t need to be exchanged.  Just knowing someone cares enough to be with me is often enough.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but it tames it a bit.  

            It can even be a chat on the phone about something totally different than my depression.  The conversation serves as a distraction.  It won’t make the depression go away, but it will temporarily distract my thoughts.  Text messages can also serve this purpose.  

            For me having someone be present doesn’t always require a person.  This may sound strange, but sometimes when I need someone to be present, I turn on “The Big Bang Theory”.  I know it is just a television show.  I have watched it so many times that the characters seem like friends to me.  I can escape into their world.  Yes, they are just fictional characters, but when I am looking for the presence of others, often these characters on the television screen are a substitute for real people.  They don’t require me to respond.  They distract me and help me think about something other than what the depression is saying.

            I don’t mean to say that a television show can replace human contact.  It can’t. I do, however, think fictional characters can serve as a substitute at times.  Some people find this substitute through television shows or movies.  Others find it in a book. What is needed is that sense that you are not alone. 

            Depression is often a very lonely illness.  It is difficult to reach out.  If you know someone who struggles with depression, I encourage you to try just being present with them.  When they are doing better, ask them what they find helpful.  Don’t be afraid to have that conversation.  Many of us with depression are so used to people not acknowledging our depression that we are hesitant to tell others what helps us.  We have learned not to talk about our depression.  Be the loved one or friend who changes that.  Start the conversation.  

            If you are struggling with depression, try taking the risk to tell someone what they can do to help you.  It is scary.  I definitely understand that.  It took me decades to be able to reach out.  If you can, start by role playing it with your therapist or in a support group.  Reaching out is not easy, but asking someone to be present can make a difference.  Set an intention for yourself.  It could be that you are going to reach out to one person and share one aspect of your depression.  Reaching out happens when we take small steps.  It doesn’t have to happen all at once.  Choose who you reach out.  Explain to them what you need.  If just being present is what you need, let someone try to be present for you.  

            I know that I need to improve the way I let others be present for me.  It is a work in progress.  As I have stated in previous posts, my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both physically and mentally.  Letting others be present for me is part of that.  So, I will work on it, and I encourage others to work on it as well. 

 

Getting on Top of Your Mental Health in the New Year

            My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  Now, I need to figure out a plan to do that.  In this post I will focus on what I can do to heal my mental health.  It is extremely important for me to do this as my depression has gained a grip on me again.  You might wonder how I am able to write this if I am struggling with depression.  I think it is because writing has always been so healing for me.  I turn to writing when I am struggling.  It has always reached back and helped me. With this in mind, I will turn to writing more in 2024.  I will pick up my pen more often.  I will allow the words to flow out of me and in doing so help me manage my depression.

            What else can be done to allow me or anyone to heal mentally?  One thing I can do is acknowledge when I am not doing well.  I can reach out for help.  This is not easy.  When depression is in control I often want to hide beneath my blanket and shut out the world.  I have learned that this is not the way to heal.  Reaching out to someone who can help is an important and necessary step.  It is okay to need help and it is okay to reach out for help.  It is in the acknowledgment that I cannot get through the depression alone that I am able to accept help.  We go to the doctor when we have a physical illness.  It is important for us to do the same with mental illness.  So, in 2024 I will acknowledge when I am not doing well, and I will reach out for help.  I hope you will, too.

            Exercise can help with mental illness.  Going for a walk, even if it is a short one, can help relieve depression.  Right now, I can only walk short distances and maybe do a little stretching because of my physical illness.  Still, I need to make the effort.  My psychologist always encourages me to exercise, to go for a walk.  By doing that I can work on my mental health.  I was thinking about trying chair yoga.  It sounds like something I can handle physically.  I have read about the benefits of yoga.  Maybe this would be a good exercise for me.  It might help you, too.

            Another way I can work on healing my depression is through creativity.  In recent years I have discovered that I enjoy being creative.  Of course, writing is my go-to creative activity, but I have found other activities, too. I enjoy painting, especially paint pouring.  It isn’t difficult and I am often surprised by the outcome of my artistic attempts.  I find myself giving my artistic efforts as gifts.  It makes me feel good to create and share with others.  Sometimes it is difficult to get started.  The depression tells me to just lie in bed and ignore the world.  At those times I need to force myself to be creative.  Once I start creating, I slowly start to feel better.  So, I’ll keep painting.  I actually have an idea for a painting that I would like to turn into the cover art of my next book.  It will take some practice to get it the way I want it to look, but there is healing in the efforts.  

            Being consistent with my therapy and talking to my mental health team honestly and openly is a part of healing.  For the last 20 + years I have been consistent with therapy with my psychologist and seeing my psychiatrist.  I think this is an important part of healing from mental illness.  You may be thinking, “20 years? Why aren’t you better?”  I am better at times.  Depression is a lifetime illness.  It doesn’t have a magical cure.  I need to continue to battle it just like I must continue to battle cancer.  It is in staying on top of my depression through therapy that I continue to heal.  

            Being open about my depression is another way to heal.  There is no shame in mental illness.  It is an illness. That is why I talk about depression.  Hiding it only makes it worse.  There is nothing to hide.  It is not my fault that I suffer from depression any more than having cancer is my fault.  Being open about depression helps to heal it because in talking about it, I am de-stigmatizing it.  For so long, society has viewed mental illness as something to be ashamed of having.  Thankfully, there are more people talking about mental illness now.  It is becoming normalized in the sense that people are not hiding it.  Organizations like NAMI are leading the way in de-stigmatizing mental illness.  I do my part by talking and writing about my mental illness.  I will continue to do so this year.  

            When planning on healing depression anything that makes you feel good about yourself is beneficial.  The activities I have listed help me.  Everyone has their own go-to for healing.  Other things I have found helpful include listening to music and watching The Big Bang Theory.  I encourage you to find your thing.  Start small.  Healing depression is not an overnight thing.  We need to be patient.  It is important to understand that there will be good moments and bad moments.  Notice I said moments and not days.  I think it is important to break time down into moments.  They are more manageable.  You may have a rough morning, but if you try one of your healing strategies the afternoon might be better.  Allow yourself the time and space to discover what works for you.  Don’t force it.  If you aren’t sure what you want to try, discuss it with someone.  If you aren’t sure who to discuss it with, try posting a comment in the comment section here.  I’ll respond and maybe others will respond.  I don’t have all the answers, but it is a start.  One moment at a time we can all finding some healing.  Spend some time thinking about what you want to try and then go for it.

            May 2024 be the year we all find some healing.

                                        One of my recent paint pours.

            

Welcoming 2024

           I do not believe in making New Year’s Resolutions.  Every time I have tried to make one, I have fallen short.  I think it is better to set an intention for the new year.  My intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both mentally and physically.  I have a lot of healing to do.  2023 took its toll on me.  Depression and anxiety ruled a lot of the year.  Stage 4 metastatic breast cancer took control of the rest.  It has been a journey to say the least.  Battling two illnesses at the same time forced me to fight.  It required me to reflect on a lot.  It has changed me.  

            As 2024 starts I am still battling two illnesses, but overall, I am in a good place.  Chemo worked and I was able to stop chemo.  I am still receiving treatment.  It is targeted treatment.  My understanding is that it is intended to keep the cancer cells from replicating.  This treatment is easier on me than the chemo.  I am grateful for that.  

My mental health has taken a dip recently.  I am hoping to get that healed. I will discuss TMS treatment with my team and hope that I can physically handle going every day.  My mental health team will be there for me and help me through it.  I trust that they will get me back to a better place. 

            As you can see, I am still healing.  That is why my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal.  One thing I learned in 2023 is that I cannot do it on my own.  I must be willing to reach out for help.  I have a great team.  My mental health team, my oncology team, and my primary, who is basically part of both teams, have been there for me.  I trust that they will continue to be there.  I am grateful for all of them.  I know I am lucky to have them.  I am still fighting cancer and depression.  I will likely battle to some degree for the rest of my life.  

            In 2024 I am going to focus on my healing.  I am going to allow that focus to guide me to leading my best life.  For most of my life depression has controlled my thoughts.  It has told me that I didn’t want to live.  It told me that I deserved the unhappiness I felt.  It told me I was lost and alone.  Depression has been a powerful voice throughout my life.  Cancer barreled in and changed some of that.  It tried to take my life, but cancer didn’t win.  It made me reflect on my life.  Through that reflection I have learned that my life is worth living.  

I need to make some changes.  Those changes will hopefully lead to me finding joy in life.  Some of those changes are little, but some of them will be big.  The big changes will require me to trust myself.  I will likely lean on my support system at times in ways I have never done in the past.  There will be ups and downs.  I will continue to fight cancer and depression.  Some days will be harder than others.  That is okay.  I need to allow myself to have difficult times.  It is a part of life.  

By setting the intention to allow myself to heal I am giving myself permission to do the things I need to do to be healthy in all aspects of my life.  I must fight the depression and the cancer.  I also need to focus on finding joy in life.  I have been granted another chance at life.  I want to make the most of that in 2024.  I will do what brings me joy. I will also accept that some days I will not be okay.  That is okay.  It is a part of life.  Acceptance of the rough days is a part of the healing process.  I have really come to understand that this past year.  It has been a difficult lesson.  Healing takes effort.  It also requires a person to accept help.  We need to understand that it is okay to not be okay.  Once we accept that, we can reach out for help.  I have a lot of people helping me.  These people make a difference in my life.  There are people that can make a difference in each of our lives.  I hope that in 2024 more people reach out for help and more people reach out to help. 

Just because I am battling illnesses doesn’t mean I can’t help others.  That is the purpose of this blog.  I am hoping to encourage others by sharing my story.  I know that right now my audience is not as big as I would like it to be, but I need to trust that it will grow in time.  I do my best to publicize this blog and am grateful to those who help me spread the word.  This blog is part of my healing.  When I write I am empowered.  Writing has always given me strength.  So, in 2024 I will continue to write.  Hopefully, this blog will grow.  I want it to help others suffering from depression and cancer.  I don’t have all the answers.  I am learning each day.  I feel called to this work.  I know that for now it will have to happen with my blog.  I am not well enough yet to get out there and do more, but I am headed in that direction.  I hope to make it happen in 2024.  That Is part of my intention.  Helping others is a part of my healing.  

So, as we enter 2024, I am going to remain focused on healing both my mental and physical health. I don’t know what the year has in store for me.  The depression and cancer control a lot, but I will do my best to heal and make a difference for others.  

            

More On Depression During the Holidays

           On Monday I wrote about depression during the holidays.  It is such an important topic.  One that doesn’t get enough attention.  So, I wanted to expand on it in today’s post.   

            Depression and other mental illnesses do not take a break for the holidays.  In fact, many people experience a worsening of symptoms.  I cannot speak for everyone with a mental illness, but I can say in all honesty that my depression and anxiety increase during the holidays.  It feels like the weight of my mental illness gets heavier.  My negative thoughts become more intense.  There is a seasonal form of depression, but that is not what I have.  Although many people do. My diagnoses are major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.  These two illnesses make the holidays difficult for me. They make life difficult year-round.

            Let’s start with the lights and decorations.  Each winter holiday has its own decorations. They are everywhere.  You can’t go out in public without seeing bright decorations.  I know the decorations are beautiful and are meant to bring joy.  Unfortunately, they often trigger negative thoughts for me.  The voice of depression in my head says, “See all these beautiful decorations.  They are not for you.”  Often in December my friend and I will drive through a large neighborhood that goes all out with the holiday lights and decorations.  I marvel at their beauty. Then depression’s voice reminds me I don’t have decorations.  My life is not festive.  The depression prevents me from truly enjoying the lights and decorations.  

            I don’t remember the last time I decorated for the holidays.  It seems so pointless when it is just me and my depression at home.  I have no one to enjoy the decorations with.  Depression reminds me that it is the reason I am alone.  I have always isolated myself to avoid forcing others to deal with my depression.  

            It is the aloneness aspect of depression that makes holiday gatherings so difficult.  I feel down so often.  I am very aware of this.  I don’t want it to ruin the holidays for my family and friends.  I am often very reserved and quiet at holiday celebrations.  I limit my interactions.  All of this is driven by the depression.  It is a faceless thief of all that is important in life.  I often leave early because I don’t want my depression to ruin the day for others.  

            Celebrations and holiday gatherings remind me of how alone the depression has caused me to be.  These thoughts just make the depression worse.  I see others enjoying their time together.  I wonder why I can’t be that free with my enjoyment. I question why I can’t celebrate with others.  My mind gets busy.  The depression has a running monologue in my head.  It is uncomfortable at best.  Painful at its worse.  

            I would love to enjoy the holidays.  I have memories of family gatherings as a child before the depression.  I can’t recreate those times.   It would be nice if the depression would take a break for the holidays and allow me to create new memories.

            This year I am trying harder to silence my depression.  Part of that has come from having cancer.  I realize that I don’t know how many holidays I have left.  Cancer could take me away whenever it wants.  That knowledge has led me to want to fight the depression.  It is not going to be easy.  I am already struggling. Depression is an illness that I have.  Just like I am fighting cancer, I need to fight the depression.  There will be bad days.  That is part of having an illness. I need to remind myself that depression is an illness.  I am not my depression.  By talking back to the depression and using other coping strategies, I will get through this holiday season.  I have set a goal for myself.  I am going to smile and enjoy my niece and nephew this year.  This goal isn’t overwhelming.  I can make it work.  I must believe that.

            If you are struggling with increased depression during the holidays, I encourage you to set one simple goal for yourself.  Focus on achieving that goal.  Use all the coping strategies you have in your arsenal to accomplish the goal.  Try to view setbacks as steppingstones.  That is how I am going to approach it. If I am not successful, it’s okay.  Depression is an illness and at times we need to let it run its course.  As we do that, we need to rely on our support systems.  Whatever that support looks like for you, lean on it.  Depression doesn’t have to be a solitary illness during the holidays or at any time.  I am learning that thanks to my support system.  

            If you do not have a support system or need more support, I recommend reaching out to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness).  They have great resources, and they provide support to all in need.  I am including a link to their website.  Search for the nearest chapter to you

NAMI:  https://www.nami.org/Home

.

If NAMI isn’t something you are interested in, try speaking with your primary care provider.  He or she should be able to provide you with referrals.

The Holidays When You Are Depressed

            When thinking about the holidays people generally picture festive times.  That is often not the reality for people suffering from depression.  For most of my life the holidays have been a difficult time for me. I do have memories of large family celebrations when I was young, but they are just memories now.  Those memories get farther and farther away every year.  Family members have passed away.  Others have moved away.  For me it is more than just the loss of people.  My depression tends to become worse during the holiday season.  

            What does depression at the holidays look like?  It is not all that different from depression the rest of the year.  The difference is you see so many people celebrating and being happy, spending time with loved ones and friends and you wonder why can’t I be like that?  The smiles on other people’s faces that seem so natural is forced on my face.  Depression’s voice tells me I am not a part of all the festivities.  It reminds me that I am alone. Of course, I am alone because the depression created in me the belief that I need to protect others from my depression.  I cannot bring myself to celebrate with others.  I feel isolated even when I am with family or friends.  The depression keeps me from seeing the beauty in holiday lights and decorations. I feel down like I do the rest of the year, but now there is a layer of guilt to it.  There is this idea that I should be happy.  

            So, how does someone with depression cope with the holidays.  I use a variety of strategies to get through this time of year.  First, I make sure I am getting enough therapy. I need to talk through what I am feeling and experiencing. Therapy is important year-round, but it is especially helpful during the holidays when I question why I just can’t enjoy this time like so many others.  Setting boundaries is important, too.  If there is something I don’t want to do, I need to give myself permission not to do it.  If there are people who it is difficult to be around, I need to accept that it is okay to stay away.  

Another coping strategy is practicing gratitude.  I identify what I am grateful for and allow myself to express that gratitude.  Often, when we are grateful, we can feel a little better.  I can be grateful for the holiday memories I have even though I have lost many of the people who made those holidays special.  I can also be grateful for the people I do have in my life. One thing cancer has taught me is that there are more people in my life who care about me than I realized.  I am grateful for them.  This gratitude has led to me looking forward to spending time with them during this season.  

As always, writing is a great coping skill for me.  It took a lot of thought to write this post.  I had to consider the way I view the holidays as a person with depression.  I questioned myself and searched for positives.  I reviewed my coping strategies and realized that even though the depression will be present, I can find joy in the holidays.  I can focus on the smiles on my niece and nephew’s faces.  I can enjoy bringing joy to my mom with a special gift.  I processed these images by journaling.  Getting it out of my head and onto paper makes it real.  I can see that there are good parts of the holidays.  It is not all depression.

One other coping strategy that I find useful is creating art. I have found that making artistic gifts provides me with joy.  I have started that process and look forward to making more gifts.  The creating is calming for me.  There is the added benefit of making someone smile when I give them a handmade gift.  

Even with all my coping strategies, the holidays will have their difficulties for me.  That is a part of depression.  It is up to me to manage it the best I can.  I will rely on mental health team at times.  Lean on friends and family at other times.  This year has already started out differently.  Cancer was added to the mix. Having stage 4 cancer has taught me to value life.  While cancer sucks, it has forced me to reflect.  That reflection has led me to appreciate life and all it has to offer.  I have realized all that I have missed out on over the years.  I can’t get any of that back, but I can make efforts to make this holiday season and my future better.  I can enjoy all that I have in my life even when depression makes that difficult.  Cancer has provided me with a new lease on life and it starts with the holiday season.  Depression and cancer are a part of my life, but they don’t have to rule it.  I’ll fight back against the depression this year.  Enjoy what I can and be okay with it when I can’t.

 

Shame in Mental Illness

           I have spent a lot of time thinking about the changes I have gone through since my cancer diagnosis.  It has allowed me to reflect on my depression and how it has shaped my entire life.  I have come to some interesting conclusions.  Depression has engrained many thoughts within my mind.  I can’t speak for other mental illnesses, but I do have a better understanding of how depression and anxiety have shaped me.

            In the beginning I was too young to understand what was happening with the depression.  I didn’t have a diagnosis.  I didn’t have much support.  I had a high school counselor, who didn’t really understand and tried to fill my head with “happy” platitudes.  In hindsight she was doing the best she knew how, but I never believed her well-intended words.  This set the stage for depression’s negative voice.  This voice took control and has not let go.  It has been chirping in my head for almost 40 years.  

            Over the years the voice has provided several messages. Many of these messages have led me to feel shame for my mental illness.  Sometimes the depression is mimicking the words it hears from society.  They are those well-intended phrases like, “You should just cheer up,” “You have so much to be happy about,” “Just smile,” and “You shouldn’t be sad. Others have it worse.”  Depression uses these words to make me feel shame.  It makes me feel like I should have better control of my feelings and emotions.  There is this sense that I am causing the depression and not valuing my life.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that the thoughts and shame they create are not true.  

The thoughts are a part of an illness.  They are not my fault.  These thoughts drive me down into a deep darkness.  They have led me to the edge of suicide.  I do my best to fight the thoughts.  I work with my mental health team.  I practice talking back to my thoughts.  I practice self-care by writing, listening to music, painting, and walking.  Even with all this self-care depression makes me feel shame. I am learning talk back to the shame.  The understanding that my depression is an illness was deepened by my cancer diagnosis.  I began to see parallels between the two.  One illness affects my mind.  The other illness affects my body.  Both have taken a toll on me.  

So much of society hasn’t figured out that depression is an illness.  I believe this is true for most mental illnesses.  The lack of understanding makes it difficult to live with mental illness. It increases the shame.  At times I question why I feel so down.  I question why my thoughts are so dark.  I don’t understand why at times I consider taking my own life.  Being diagnosed and treated for cancer has provided some clarity.  I have gained an understanding of illness in general terms. I have been able to apply what I am experiencing with cancer to what I experience with depression. They are both illnesses.  They both have symptoms that I have no control over.  Depression and cancer are both illnesses. 

I wish it did not take a cancer diagnosis to allow me to arrive at this understanding. I am grateful for the understanding.  People with mental illness often live with shame.  The message we hear is that our illness is just in our heads and that is we can snap out of it.  That is not true. I can more snap out of depression than I can snap out of cancer.  I have two illnesses. I will continue to battle both, but I do not have to be ashamed of either one of them.  

The Importance of Support Systems

            Fighting two illnesses is difficult.  I would not be able to fight depression and cancer alone.  I need my support systems.  This lesson has taken time to learn.  When I was just fighting depression, my support system was much smaller.  It was just my mental health team, Dr. Klein, Dr. S, Stephanie, and Cristina.  This was mainly a result of stigma.  I was afraid family and friends would not understand my mental illness.  Depression is an illness that is not understood by the vast majority of society.  As a result, I kept my depression hidden.  I made up excuses when depression kept me from being able to socialize or work.  When depression prevented me from working Cristina, my primary care, would write my work excuse instead of my psychiatrist or psychologist.  This was intended to make people think I had a physical illness instead of a mental illness.  I knew my boss would not understand.  I didn’t want my colleagues to know the truth of my illness.  I was afraid. This is what mental illness stigma does.  In my case, as in so many others, it robbed me of a support system that may have helped me.  

            When I was diagnosed with cancer there was no hiding my illness.  There is no stigma surrounding cancer like there is surrounding mental illness.  I was free to be open about my diagnosis.  People don’t dismiss cancer.  I found support from family, friends, and colleagues.  Of course, my mental health team was also right by my side.  I gained the additional support of an oncology team.  Now, I have a support system.  It is larger than I could ever have expected.  I am no longer alone.

            With the emergence of a support system for my cancer diagnosis, I find myself able to be open about my depression.  People remain by my side.  There is no running away from me because I have a mental illness.  Even people I never expected to understand what I am going through are supportive.  I have found a supportive system that supports me in both my illnesses. 

            My family, friends, and colleagues have been amazing.  So many members of my family have been helping me, providing care and support.  For so long I thought I was alone.  As a single person with no children, I have always felt distanced from family.  I felt as if I was just an accessory.  I was by myself.  Fortunately, that has changed.  For the first time I feel like I belong in my family and that my family considers me to be more than just a loner.  Many have reached out, supported me, taken care of me. It feels good to know I am loved. 

            My friends have been great.  They text and call me.  They visit me.  They ask how I am doing.  I feel like I am part of my circle of friends even though I am too weak to do much with them.  It means a lot to me to be able to talk to my friends about my illnesses.  I can share how I am feeling physically and mentally.  That is something I have never been able to do before.  I know they are trying to understand.  I don’t need to hide my mood.  It is okay for me to admit feeling down.   My friends do their best to understand.

            Colleagues have also been supportive.  I receive messages of hope from them.  They gathered together and donated to help me as I am not able to work.  Their words of encouragement help me stay positive.  I miss my colleagues.  It is weird to not be able to work.  I know I have their support.

            Of course, my medical team, both mental and physical, is a vital part of my support system.  Talking to them brings me hope.  Their work brings me healing.  Having the best doctors and nurses is important.  They work together to address my mental and physical health.  This connectedness makes a difference in the battle against two illnesses.  One cannot heal without the other.  I need my team addressing both my mental and physical health.  I need to be able to share how my mood is affecting me with my oncologist.  Likewise, I need to be able to discuss how the cancer is affecting my mood withs my psychiatrist, psychologist, and psychiatric nurse practitioner.  They treat me as a whole person.  My illnesses do not exist in isolation.  The illnesses need to be approached as interconnected by my team.  I am lucky that that is happening.

            I also attend a support group on Zoom.  This is a form of support I wasn’t expecting.  My oncologist’s office connected me with this organization.  It has been beneficial to talk with other people fighting stage 4 cancer.  I have learned a lot.  I have also been encouraged and provided with hope.  

            Having a support system is an important part of facing any illness.  It is crucial when facing two illnesses.  I don’t take my support system for granted.  I am grateful for every single member of my support system.  I know I would not be doing as well as I am without each of them. 

            Sadly, I am aware that many people fight illnesses without a support system.  As I mentioned in a recent post, I want to advocate for support systems.  I want to work to provide people who have mental illness or cancer with stronger support systems.  I feel called to this work.  If, no, when, I beat cancer, I am going to dedicate myself to working to provide support systems for people fighting illness.  In doing so, I will also be helping myself heal.  

 

            

A Little More Gratitude and a Cancer Poem

            Last week I shared all the people I am grateful for in my life.  Today I want to share a few things I am grateful for and then leave you with a poem I wrote this past weekend.

            First, I am grateful for TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation).  There have been two posts on this blog about TMS.  It has made such a difference in my battle with depression.  I don’t know where I would be without TMS.  It is a treatment that works for me, and I know will be a part of my life.

            I am also grateful for chemotherapy.  How can I not be grateful for something that is keeping me alive?  It may seem a little strange to be thankful for something that makes me feel like crap each week, but it is doing its job.  It is killing my cancer.  As sick as I feel I am grateful that the medical knowledge is available to treat my cancer and that I have a chance to survive.

            Another thing I am grateful for is the ability to write and experience the healing power of writing.  For as long as I can remember, writing has been a part of my life.  I would be interested in knowing how many poems I have written in my life.  Writing is a healing tool.  I am grateful that I can express my thoughts and emotions in writing.  I am grateful that I have this blog to share those thoughts and emotions with all of you.  My books are another source of gratitude for me.  Each one has brought me healing and allowed me to share my story with others.  

            So, I have a lot to be grateful for. Expressing my gratitude has helped me remain positive as I battle depression and cancer.  Don’t be surprised if you see gratitude pop up on my blog again in the future.  

            I also wanted to share a poem with you.  This poem is about the cancer, more specifically fighting cancer.  At times I get down because as much as I try to fight, I often just do not have the energy or stamina.  My body is weak from the fight.  When I start to feel down about needing so much rest, my Aunt Holly reminds me that even when I am resting, I am fighting.  As I thought about it made a lot of sense.  My body is in a fight for its life.  It needs time to heal.  That is what happens when I am resting.  So, even when I am resting, I am fighting.  That is where this poem came from.

 

Cancer Chose Me

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer.

Cancer is ravaging my body.

Leaving me to fight.

At times I am weak, but still I fight.

Battling cancer takes all my strength.

 

Cancer chose me.

Its poison attacking my organs.

I fight back with a different poison, 

A poison meant to kill as it heals.  

My body is a battleground between cancer and chemo.

 

Cancer chose me.

Some days I must rest.

I cannot actively fight every day. 

Learning that it is okay to rest has been difficult,

But it is something I must accept.

 

Cancer chose me.

I did not choose cancer,

But I chose to fight back.

Meet the cancer head on

And fight for my life.

 

 

            Check back on Thursday.  I will be reflecting on how depression affects my fight. Depression can affect battles with any illness.  I will share my perspective. 

TMS: A Firsthand Account

    Recently, I shared a post by Stephanie Debnath, PMHNP-BC.  It provided a psychiatric nurse practitioner’s perspective and experience with transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS).  Today I would like to share my experience as a patient.  

            My psychiatrist, Dr. S, first brought up the possibility of trying TMS in 2019.  I was struggling with depression.  Medication just did not help.  We discussed TMS and I was open to trying it.  

            When I first walked into SoCal TMS I did not know much about this treatment.  I had some basic information that Dr. S had shared with me.  I knew that she thought it could help me and I trusted that.  The SoCal TMS staff explained the treatment to me.  I filled out rating forms.  I completed all the necessary steps to get started.  Still, I didn’t know what to expect as we got started.  

            I was depressed.  I could not see my life outside of the darkness of depression.  I struggled with suicidal thoughts.   I was not sure anything could help me.  But Dr. S thought TMS was worth trying as did my psychologist Dr. K.  I was ready to give it a try.

            So, what is TMS like.  First, I sat in a large chair that reclined.  The psychiatrist and techs took measurements of my head.  They situated me in the chair and fitted a pad to the top of my head.  Soon I felt tapping.  It did not hurt.  There was a sort of rhythm to it.  They measured reactions to the magnetic taps in my hand. Quickly, they found the right settings and I was set for my first treatment.

            I attended treatment daily.  At first there were no noticeable changes, but the psychiatrist and techs encouraged me to be patient.  They said it would happen.  I just had to give it time.  Each session lasted about 45-50 minutes.   They were treating both my depression and anxiety.  

            After about three weeks I noticed my mood lifting. I felt lighter.  My thoughts were not as dark.  TMS was working.  I could feel the depression lifting.  I could not believe it.  I had never felt this type of lifting of my mood before.  Over the remainder of the treatment, my mood continued to improve.  I literally felt as if a weight had been lifted off me.  No medication had ever made me feel like this.  TMS was working.

            The psychiatrist explained to me that it was not a permanent change, but that I could expect to feel this way for several months.  He told me that the lifting of the depression lasts different lengths for different people. He promised me that when the depression came back, he would use TMS again to relieve it.  

            I could not believe how I felt.  I was not clouded in darkness.  For me it lasted several months.  When the symptoms of depression returned, Dr. S sent me back to SoCal TMS.  This time I was treated by Dr. Hutton, one of the leaders in TMS treatment and the head of SoCal TMS.  I learned a lot from him.  He set me up with treatment again.  My experience the second time was similar to the first time.  Again, around the third week, I felt the depression lifting.  By the end of treatment, I was feeling good.  

            TMS has been a godsend for me. I have lived with depression for almost four decades.  Noting had ever relieved it the way TMS does.  I do not understand all the science behind it, although Stephanie has explained a lot of it to me.  The one thing I do know is that TMS works.  

            Now, I monitor my mood.  I know when it is time for TMS treatment.  I am confident TMS will help me.  So, I will return each time it is necessary.  Based on my experience, I would recommend TMS to others struggling with depression.  If you haven’t already read Stephanie Debnath’s post on this blog, Renewed and Recharged (TMS),  from October 20, I encourage you to read it.  You can also learn more about how TMS works in my memoir, Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness. Check out SoCal TMS’s website and social media for more information and to connect with them.  See links below.

            I am not a mental health professional, but I can speak from my own experience.  TMS works for me.  I know it works for others.  I believe in this treatment, and I encourage others to explore it for themselves.

 

Links:

 

Get more information from SoCal TMS:

https://socaltms.com/

 

Learn about TMS in my book:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/traveling-the-healing-journey-gina-capobianco/1142298691?ean=9798218067380

 

https://www.amazon.com/Traveling-Healing-Journey-Finding-Illness/dp/B0BFW7MVG5/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1U96Z0EWXCQ8&keywords=gina+capobianco&qid=1698627517&sprefix=gina+capobia,aps,143&sr=8-1

 

            

                           

"Cancer Hasn’t Won"

           I wasn’t going to post today.  I have had a few really bad days.  I am just not feeling well.  Saturday was probably the worst day I have had in this cancer fight.  I am so grateful to have my Aunt Holly by my side to get me through this.

Saturday night I started to write a poem titled “Why?”.  It turned into a 3-page stream of consciousness about my fears and feelings.  I am not ready to share that yet.  I am not sure when I will be.  I cried as I wrote.  Sometime later that night, I wrote another poem, titled “Cancer Hasn’t Won”.  I actually don’t remember writing it, but it is in my journal and no one else had access to it.  I shared it with my friend, Sharon. When I told her that I didn’t remember writing it, she immediately said that it was the whisper.  She has mentioned the whisper before.  It is the voice telling me to fight.  A few weeks ago, I posted a poem about that whisper, “Whispers Above the Water”.  Sharon encouraged me to post “Cancer Hasn’t Won” today.  So, here it is.  Hopefully, on Thursday I will feel better and can write a longer post.

 

Cancer Hasn’t Won

 

Cancer hasn’t won,

Though I am feeling beaten.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Despite how drained I am.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Even though I feel like quitting.

Cancer hasn’t won,

Despite knocking me on my back.

Cancer hasn’t won.

I haven’t given up the fight.

Cancer hasn’t won.

There is a bit of strength left inside of me.

Cancer hasn’t won,

With my last bit of strength, I rise,

And show cancer it hasn’t won yet.

 

Dancing the Down Days Away

            It has been a rough week for me.  I was grateful to have a guest post earlier this week.  If you missed the post on TMS, “Renewed and Recharged” by Stephanie Debnath, please check it out.  

            Today’s post will be a poem because I am not up to writing a longer post.  The poem was inspired by a conversation with the nurse navigator, C, yesterday at chemo treatment.  She was telling me how down days are okay and are part of the battle with cancer.  I sensed she really understood what I was going through.  They were not just “feel good” words.  She has been in that same chemo chair and understands.  That makes a huge difference. Since the beginning she has been doing little dances to encourage me.  The dances let me know that I can get better and mean so much to me.  So, here is a poem for C.

 

Dancing the Down Days Away

 

Down days are a part of life.

Hope seems bleak.

My mood fades into darkness.

Down days are going to happen.

This is one thing I know.

On these days I must search for the rays of light.

Find the little dance that is inside of me.

I see the dance in others who have known down days.

Their dance brings a smile to my face,

Reminds me not all days are down.

So, I will do my best to dance on the down days,

Even if my rhythm is off and

I don’t hear the music.

My dance becomes one with countless others

Who have known these down days.

Together our steps allow us to see the light.

Dancing on the down days

Asserting hope among the darkness.

Dance, dance

Dance away the down days.