How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.

                   

Silencing Your Inner Critic

                  We all have it. That voice inside our heads that tells us we can’t do something or that we are not good. Have you heard it? I am sure you have. That voice is our inner critic. Everyone has it, but when you live with a mental illness that inner critic’s voice often becomes louder and more persistent. 

                  I hear my inner critic often. It has been with me all my life. When my depression and anxiety are at their worst, my inner critic seems to be at its nosiest. At times it feels like it is a scratched record, repeating over and over. This inner critic shows up in all areas of my life. My inner critic has affected my confidence. It has interfered with relationships and work. I wish it would just disappear, but I have learned that my inner critic will always be lurking. The key is to silence it. So, how do we silence our inner critics?

                  There are several things we can do to silence our inner critic. First, we must identify its voice. Once we have identified it, we need to separate it from ourselves. We can do this by giving it a name. By referring to it as a separate entity, we are giving ourselves the knowledge that the voice is not our voice. Once you have identified the inner critic, recognize the triggers that cause the inner critic to be active. Are there certain situations, people, or thoughts that provoke the inner critic? When I am working on this, it helps me to write down this information in my journal. This serves as a reminder to me and makes the information more concrete.

                  It is important to use compassionate self-talk with your inner critic. Respond to these thoughts as a friend would respond. If your inner critic criticizes you for making a mistake, you might respond with “I made a mistake and I am learning.”  By doing this you are taking away the inner critic’s power. You are also being compassionate with yourself.

                  Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) offers a tool that can be helpful in dealing with your inner critic. This tool is called thought records. First, write the critical thought down. Then ask the following three questions: 1. What’s the evidence for and against this thought?, 2. Is it a fact or an opinion?, and 3. What would I say to a friend thinking this? Write the answers to these questions down. It will help you reframe the thought.

                  You can also use mindfulness and grounding to deal with your inner critic. Doing this requires you to observe the thought, not absorb it. Allow yourself to notice the thought without believing it. You might say to yourself, “There’s my inner critic again.” Noticing it takes away some of its power. 

                  Another strategy is to create a “counter voice”. Write a list of affirming or neutral responses to common statements by your inner critic. Keep this list visible. Perhaps you can put them on sticky notes or in the note’s app in your phone. You might also write them in your journal and go back and read over them frequently. An example might be: Inner Critic: “You’re lazy.” Counter Voice: “Rest is not laziness. I am doing the best I can.”

                  Going to therapy is another important way to deal with our inner critics. I often share  my inner critic’s statements with my psychologist, who helps me work through them. Different therapists use different approaches. Three common types of therapy that can help us in dealing with our inner critics are CBT, ACT, and IFS. 

                  Medication can help if your inner critic is a part of a mental health disorder. It may quiet the noise enough to allow you to work on strategies to combat your inner critic. Talk to a psychiatrist about possible medications. 

                  Journaling and creative outlets can help in dealing with our inner critics. These activities allow us to externalize the inner critic through writing, drawing, role-play, and other creative activities. You might try a dialogue journal. In this type of journaling your inner critic writes a line and then your wiser self responds. 

                  One last way to deal with our inner critics is to rebuild our self-worth slowly. We can do this by celebrating small wins. Maybe we can track what we do each instead of focusing on what we didn’t do. When rebuilding our self-worth, we may have to start by being neutral. Our thought process might focus on just what we are doing and not giving it value either negative or positive. Then move on to self-compassion, where we tell ourselves positive things about who we are and what we are doing.

                  The inner critic is a powerful beast. It feeds off tearing us down. It develops over time and becomes stronger as time goes by. Since it grows stronger over time, it makes sense that it would take time to silence it. Give yourself grace as you combat your inner critic. It is not easy. I know and understand this because it is something I deal with. There will be good days and bad days. 

We often hear that we need to be kind to others. I would add to that that we need to be kind to ourselves. Our inner critic does not like kindness. So, be kind to yourself. 

 

Sometimes Our Brains Lie

    The other day I saw a meme that said, “Sometimes your brain can be a lying piece of sh**.”  That really resonated with me. My brain is often filled with negative messages. My depression and anxiety spur these negative messages on daily. I have come to realize that these negative messages often are not true. It is difficult to deal with them but recognizing them as untrue is an important step.

                  My brain has been lying to me most of my life. It tells me that I cannot do things. It tells me that everything is going to go wrong. My brain likes to force the idea that I am worthless on me. The truth is my brain is lying. Unfortunately, depression encourages me to believe these things. Depression grasps the negative and magnifies it, allowing my brain’s lies to drag me down. That is the power of our brains and the power of depression.

                  What if we could turn this negativity around? What if we could present the truth to the lies? Not easy tasks, but they are tasks worth trying. When our brains are lying to us the first thing we need to do is recognize the lie. We cannot stop the lie if we do not acknowledge it. Acknowledging the lie might sound like, “Okay, I know that is not true. I am not going to be led by lies” or “Stop. That is a lie.” We don’t have to say it out loud. It can be said in our heads. However, if saying it out loud helps, do it. Sometimes I find myself needing to talk back to my thoughts out loud.

                  Once we have acknowledged that a thought our brain is telling us is a lie, we need to rephrase it. Let’s say my brain is telling me that I am going to mess up a work project. After telling my brain that it is lying, I might say something like, “I have successfully completed projects like this in the past, there is no reason to believe I won’t be successful this time.” What if our brains are telling us that no one cares about us? Again, we first tell our brain to stop. Then we can point out at least one person who does care. Maybe we cannot think of a friend or family member in the moment because we really believe we are alone. I have been there. This happens. Could we tell our brain, “Well, my psychiatrist or psychologist cares”? I realize there is a rabbit hole looming there. Our brain will tell us that he or she must act like they care because they are being paid. Maybe in this instance we need to just state it as a fact. It will help gets us through the brain’s lies. I also believe that most psychiatrists and psychologists actually do care, or they wouldn’t be doing the work they do.

                  Talking back to our brain’s lies is not easy. It takes a lot of work. It is hard for people without depression. So, it makes sense that it is even harder for those of us who are faced with depression. Depression enjoys latching onto the brain’s lies. This is how it tears us down. We need to try to talk back to the lies. The more we do it, the more likely talking back will become a habit. I am not saying this will cure our depression, but I do believe that talking back to our brains is a tool we can use to help ourselves. 

                  Remember, as amazing as our brains are, there times when the brain is a lying piece of sh**.  At those times we need to take control. We need to speak back to our brains. Think of it this way, if a person spoke to someone you cared about the way our brains speak to us, would you allow it? Of course not. We cannot allow our brains to speak to us in a way we would not tolerate it speaking to those we care about. 

Self-Compassion for Depression

                  Depression tears people down.  We live with painful thoughts.  Our minds often fixate on the negative. We tend to see darkness all around us.  Living like this is not easy.  Therapy, medication, and alternative treatments help, but depression is always lurking. How do we live with this darkness?  How do we get through our day-to-day lives? Having a support person or team helps, but we need to play a role in our healing, too.  One of the most effective ways to do this is practice self-compassion.

                  What is compassion? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines compassion as “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.”  Most people are able to show compassion to others.  The difficulty arises when we need to show that same compassion to ourselves.  I know I struggle with being compassionate toward myself.  I don’t give myself the grace I need to feel good about myself. Depression tries to quash self-compassion. It fills us with negative thoughts; tells us all that is wrong with us. How do we learn to be show ourselves compassion?  I wish I had an easy answer. If I did, I would be better at talking back to my depression.  

                  I think self-compassion starts with how we talk to ourselves.  Practicing positive affirmations can be helpful with this.  I think it is helpful to write these down, perhaps on sticky notes.  That way you are reminded to use the affirmations.  I am not very good at this.  My mind gets going and I struggle to talk back to it.  I am going to try to place some affirmations around my house today. Realistically, I’ll probably only write a three or four, but that is a start. 

                  We need to acknowledge the painful thoughts that enter our minds. As we do this, we need to be kind to ourselves.  Perhaps, say something like, “I know I am struggling right now, but I am worthy of kindness.” No matter what our depression says, we do not deserve to feel bad.  We need to tell ourselves that we deserve love from ourselves and others. 

                  Talking back to the negative thoughts is hard.  I believe this is true for everyone no matter how confident they are.  It is especially hard for those of us who live with depression.  The voice of depression can be loud and domineering. But what if talking back to it could confuse the depression?  Would that quiet the depression enough for us to say something compassionate to ourselves? It is worth a try. 

                  Many of us have heard the advice, “be your own best friend.” On the surface this has always seemed like trite advice to me.  However, we really do need to be our own friend.  If we are going to talk to ourselves, we should talk to ourselves with the same compassion we would use when talking to a friend.  We deserve that compassion. Most of us would give a friend the grace to make a mistake or to feel down.  Why is it so hard to give ourselves the same grace? I wish I had an answer.  I just know that despite how hard it is, we need to find a way to do it. 

                  Self-compassion might be as simple as saying to ourselves that it is okay to feel the way we do.  When we talk to our mental health provider or take our medication or receive an alternative treatment, we are practicing self-compassion because we are doing what we need to do to fight the depression.  How much more powerful would these healing tools be if we also accepted our feelings without judgement?  

                  I have been working on talking back to thoughts in my head.  It is hard work, and I am not always successful.  Still, I keep trying.  I would encourage a friend to have positive thoughts.  I must do the same.  I try to find the good in a loved one.  I need to find the good in myself.  Depression is going to try to get in the way.  That is okay.  We need to keep getting back up.  There is a saying about it not being how many times you fall, but how many times you get up. 

                  Let’s give ourselves the gift of self-compassion.  Embrace yourself as you would embrace a loved one.  Remember, you are not your depression.  Depression lies.  That is how it controls us. Giving ourselves grace and love can fight the depression.  It can show us that we are worthy humans who deserve to feel good about ourselves.