Choosing to Stay Alive When Depression Says Give Up

“And I won’t give up if you don’t give up”

 – Train, from the song, “Calling All Angels” 

One of the struggles that is a part of living with mental illness is that when things get tough, I sometimes feel like giving up. Living with depression is tough. Depression is always telling me negatives. Sometimes it whispers. Other times, it screams at me. It does not matter if is whispering or screaming. Either way, it hurts. Often, I have wanted to give up. Actually, feeling like giving up probably happens more than I like to admit. 

When I first heard the lyrics of the song “Calling All Angels” by Train, I was struck by the line “And I won’t give up if you don’t give up.” Music often speaks to me. I am a writer, and I am always thinking about words. When I hear certain lyrics or read something in a poem or book, I often find myself connecting to a piece of it. So, when I was first struck by this line, I tucked it away. However, every time I heard this song, (it is in one of my playlists) I was drawn to the line over and over again. It repeats in the song. So, it is easy to get hooked on the words. “And I won’t give up if you don’t give.” 

Why am I talking about this lyric? What does it have to do with depression or mental illness? The guys in Train probably were not thinking about mental health when they wrote it. So, why am I finding a connection? Simple. Not giving up is a sign of strength that so many of us who struggle with depression or other mental illness, possess. We are still alive. We are fighting our illnesses. We are choosing to live when the voice of depression often wants us to give up on life. 

Not giving up is a sign of strength. We may not always recognize it, but it requires strength to not give up. Even though, I did not recognize it in the moment, each time I walked away from suicidal thoughts, I was showing strength. Before I go on, I want to stress that dying by suicide is not a sign of weakness. It is symptom of an illness. Living with mental illness is not easy and sometimes it becomes too much. So, just because it takes strength to fight suicidal thoughts, it does not mean that a person who dies by suicide was weak. Believe me it takes strength to live each day with mental illness. 

Back to the lyric. “And I won’t give up if you don’t give up.” This lyric has me thinking of two ideas. First, I think as a person with mental illness, I say this line in some way or another to myself. I tell my inner self, the part of me that holds all the pain, all the negativity, all the hopelessness that depression pushes on me, not to give up. Together, this inner part of me and the part of me that the outside world sees, fight to not give up. We choose to live even though depression can be difficult. We choose to live even when depression is turning our world dark and tells us to give up. 

Even when I am in a downward spiral and feel the darkness all around me, deep down I know that I do not want to give up. In a recent post, Depression Told Me to Give Up - Why I Chose to Stay Alive,  I shared lyrics from Melissa Etheridge about choosing to survive and loving being alive. I think sometimes depression causes us to struggle. It becomes difficult to see that we want to live, that we want to survive. In those moments it is important to have people who won’t give up on you. That is the second idea this lyric brings up for me. Whether they are friends, loved ones, or mental health providers, It is important that we have people who won’t give up on us. I feel that commitment to not give up on me from all three of those categories of people. I am lucky. That luck is not lost on me. I am grateful for many people. I know I would not be here if it were for some of these people. 

I think as Mental Health Awareness Month draws to a close, it is important to stress that we need each other. We need people who won’t give up on us. Living with mental illness can be lonely and painful. That loneliness and pain can lead us to thinking that giving up is our only option. It is not, but it is hard to see that when depression has us cornered in a dark place. If we have people who won’t give up on us, we can walk back from suicidal thoughts. I promise you this is true. I am alive today because there have been people (they know who they are) who have not given up on me. 

If you have a loved one or friend living with mental illness, know that you can make a difference in their lives by being by their side, by letting them know that you won’t give up on them. If you are a mental health provider, know that being there for your patients allows them to live with their illness and not give up. I think that is one of the key takeaways of Mental Health Awareness Month. We need to be there for each other. Living with mental illness is tough, but if we if we are there for each other, if we don’t give up on each other, we can make a difference.

I love that in the song “Calling All Angels”, this line “And I won’t give up if you don’t give up” repeats so many times. It is as if it is echoing to ensure that we hear that message. I also love the title of the song, “Calling All Angels”. The people who don’t give up on those of us with mental illness, are truly angels.

 

 

 

 

A Letter to Anyone Contemplating Suicide or Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts

To Anyone Contemplating Suicide or Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts: 

I see you. I understand you. At times I am you. I cannot say that I know exactly what you are feeling or thinking. Each of our experiences are our own. I can say that I have felt the pain of suicidal thoughts, the pain of feeling there is no other way. I know it is a pain that is difficult to explain to others. It is a pain that is difficult to endure. I have been helped in my moments of crisis. There is help for you, too. If you feel that you do not have someone to reach out to, call or text 988, go to the emergency room, or tell a loved one. There is help. There is hope. The pain will get better. This world needs you and all you have to offer. I know right now you may not believe this. I did not believe it, but I have learned that it is true. Your life is worth living.

                                                                    Sincerely,

                                                                    Someone Who’s Been There 

 

Suicide Prevention Month is a time when we focus on saving lives. It is a time to encourage conversations about suicide. Talking about suicide is important. By talking about suicide, we remove the stigma that so often prevents people from getting help. If we can help people to understand that they do not need hide their suicidal thoughts in shame, we can encourage them to reach out for help. It is okay to have suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are not a sign of weakness. They are symptoms of mental illness. Just as with any illness, someone with suicidal thoughts deserves treatment. I hope that as Suicide Prevention Month draws to a close, we can continue have conversations about suicide and normalize seeking help. 

This month I have focused on suicide prevention because I feel strongly about it. If you have not read the other posts, I encourage you to look back over the past month. Share with others. It is through caring enough to talk openly about suicide that we can save lives.

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide, please reach out to a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. If you do not have one, you can reach out to 

988

911

Or go to the nearest emergency room.

Hope and a Plan

        This month I have focused on suicide. I realize that it is a heavy topic. However, as I said on Monday, we need to talk about suicide. We cannot close our eyes and expect people to be okay. We can’t just send good wishes and have the suicide rates decrease. As September nears a close, I am not finished writing about suicide. It will be a topic on my blog periodically because I know the importance of talking about suicide. 

                  There is a saying that is shared frequently on mental health social media posts: It’s okay not to be okay. I think this saying is something we all need to internalize. There are going to be times for all of us when we are not okay. It is not limited to people with mental illness. That is a key thing to remember. We all go through difficult times. We can all feel hopeless. In those moments we need to remember that it is okay to not be okay and know that there is help available.

                  Suicidal ideation is a sign that a person is suffering. The person needs help. We have come a long way in finding ways to provide support. World Suicide Prevention Month provides attention to that support. Being aware in September is great, but it is not enough. There are many groups out there providing support year-round. Organizations such as NAMI and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention  work diligently to provide support and raise awareness. Check out the links for more information on these organizations and how you can get involved.

                  Turning this personal, I know the pain of suicidal thoughts. I have been on the edge where I have needed support. I am grateful to the people who have been there for me. They showed me there is hope. Knowing there is hope is not enough on its own. It is important that we know what resources are available. If you have a mental illness, it is a good idea to have a safety plan. You can read about safety plans in my article Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis. Safety plans can save a life. My safety plan has saved my life. 

                  Hope combined with the presence of a safety plan can save lives.  Add to those open discussions about suicide and we can make a real difference in people’s lives.  It is the willingness to break down the stigma surrounding suicide that will allow hope and safety plans to be their most effective. 

When you are on the precipice, when life seems to be too much, I hope you will hear the whisper of hope. It is there in our darkest moments. Unfortunately, it’s really hard to hear, but trust me it is there. I have heard the whisper of hope. It is different for each one of us, but hope is there. So, when life is at its bleakest call out to hope. Whisper, scream. Whatever you can do. Know that hope is there. It may not be easy as you climb down from that precipice, but I believe you can. I know it is difficult. Hanging onto hope is worth it. You have an unfinished story within you. Allow that story to be written.

 

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide, please reach out to a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. If you do not have one, you can reach out to 

988

911

Or go to the nearest emergency room.

 

 

Let’s Talk About it, Suicide Prevention Awareness

                  Suicide Prevention Month reminds us that we need to be able to have conversations about suicide. Many people are hesitant to talk about suicide. There is a stigma surrounding suicide. Some fear talking about it will lead to more deaths by suicide. People are afraid that even mentioning suicide might lead someone to take their life. In some cultures, it is considered taboo to talk about suicide. Others fear they will say the wrong thing. Still others, are uncomfortable with the topic of suicide because of personal discomfort or emotional pain. Sadly, many of us were taught not to discuss suicide. 

                  In my own life I avoided discussing suicide for a long time despite dealing with suicidal ideation. There were two main reasons. One was being raised in a religion that taught that suicide was a sin. That teaching led me to believe that my suicidal thoughts were sinful. I hid my thoughts and suffering. I was afraid of judgement. I know I am not alone. Even if the fear is not based on religious teachings, a fear exists that we will be judged critically and/or harshly whether by religious leaders, God, or society. 

                  The second reason revolves around my personal experiences. As a teenager I dealt with suicidal ideation and made attempts. These thoughts were not met with empathy or the help I needed. It took years to overcome this. Even today the anxiety that arose from how I was treated during those times surfaces. That fear of not receiving the help I need returns to my mind.

                  With help from my mental health team, I have learned that it is okay to openly discuss suicide. It is okay for me to share when I am struggling. This does not mean I tell just anyone, but I know there are people who will listen and support me. Not everyone has the support that allows them to talk about suicide. That is why I talk about mental health and suicide. We need to normalize these discussions. 

                  We need to break the silence surrounding suicide. How we talk about suicide matters. We should have compassionate and responsible conversations. These conversations should be direct and maintain hope and avoid sensationalizing or glamorizing suicide. When we talk about suicide with someone who is experiencing suicidal thoughts, we need to show them that they are not alone, open doors to help, and provide connection to help. When talking about suicide we need to avoid passing any judgement. Do not interrupt them as they are speaking. It is important to remember that you are not expected to solve everything. Be sure to take the person seriously. 

                  If you do not know how to connect the person to the appropriate help,  988 is a way to start. 988 provides support and can connect the person to additional services.  If the person is in immediate danger, you should call 911. Emergency rooms can also provide immediate help. It is important to not leave the person alone if there is an immediate risk. 

                  World Suicide Prevention Month provides an opportunity to spread information and knowledge that can make it easier to have conversations about suicide. Let’s have these conversations throughout the year, not just in September. If we reduce the stigma surrounding suicide, we can help people be more willing to reach out for help when they are dealing with suicidal thoughts. Being willing to talk about suicide can save lives. 

 

If you are having suicidal thoughts or contemplating suicide, please reach out to a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. If you do not have one, you can reach out to 

988

911

Or go to the nearest emergency room.

 

 

Suicide Prevention Month 2025

                  September is recognized as Suicide Prevention Month. It coincides with World Suicide Prevention Day which is September 10^th. This month’ recognition emerged from the establishment of World Suicide Prevention Day by the International Association for Suicide Prevention (IASP) in 2003. The IASP and the World Health Organization (WHO) joined forces to establish this day worldwide. In 2008 September was designated as National Suicide Prevention Month.

                  Throughout this month I will post about suicide. My intention is to bring hope to the darkness of suicide. I realize that this topic can be a trigger. Please read with care and know that there are organizations that can help. If you are considering suicide or are in crisis, please reach out for help. 988 is a helpline that you can reach out to at any time. I will include a reminder that 988 exists to help in every post this month. Not every post this month will be about suicide. That would be too much, but I do want to bring light and understanding to this topic. 

                  Let’s start by defining some terms related to suicide. Suicide is the act of intentionally taking one’s own life. It includes intentionality and is self-directed. A suicide attempt is a self-directed, potentially injurious act where the person intends to die, but survives. Suicidal ideation is the act of thinking about, considering, or planning suicide. Self-harm involves intentionally harming oneself without the intent to die.

                  The language we use when talking about suicide is important. We should not say that a person “committed suicide”. This wording has a negative connotation. It insinuates that the person committed a crime. Instead, we should use phrases such as “died by suicide”. This is more neutral and takes away the idea that it was a criminal action. It takes away the idea that the suicide was the person’s fault. 

                  It is important to understand that suicide is a result of illness. It is not attention seeking. It is not a sign of weakness. Suicide is not selfish. Suicide is a result of mental illness. Suicidal ideation needs to be taken seriously. Intervention is necessary when a person is having suicidal thoughts or expressing suicidal ideation. There is help. As a starting point the following numbers can be contacted: 

 

 

·      In the U.S., you can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline), available 24/7.

·      In the UK, you can contact Samaritans at 116 123, available 24/7.

·      In Canada, you can call Talk Suicide Canada at 1-833-456-4566.

 

Other important resources include your primary care provider, who can refer you to

mental health providers. If you already have a mental health provider such as a therapist, counselor, psychiatric nurse practitioner, psychologist, or psychiatrist you can discuss your thoughts with that person. You can go to the nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. Organizations such as NAMI have helplines (NAMI Warmlines Directory).

                  If you experience suicidal ideation or have attempted suicide, a safety plan is important. You can read an article I wrote for Recover.com on safety plans here: Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis.

                  Suicide Prevention Month is intended to raise awareness and reduce stigma surrounding suicide. This month I hope that I can share information and personal experience that will help others. These posts will be published on Mondays and Thursdays this month. I will mix in some other topics. As I end this post, I want to leave you with the thought that even in the darkest of moments there is hope. Reach out for help if you are struggling. Remember 988 is a hotline that can help you 24/7. 

 

                  

If My Mental Health Has Made Me a Bad Friend…

                  Often, I wonder how my mental health affects others. I am aware of how it affects me and the difficulties my mental health struggles cause me. One area that I think it affects at times is my relationships with others. I do not always know the extent to which it affects others, but I do see the worried looks and I sense others thinking I am going to cancel plans again. 

                  I know my mental health struggles can cause others to worry, particularly those who are closer to me and know about my battles with suicidal ideation. When I go silent, they might wonder what I am thinking or worry that I am about to hurt myself. I realize this is putting an unfair burden on them. I wish there were not times when I go silent or shut down. Unfortunately, that is a part of mental illness for me. When my depression is bad, I retreat into myself. I shut down and shut others out. I have been doing that for years. It is not something I intend to do. I do not mean to push loved ones and friends away, but my depression forces me to push others away. It causes me to isolate. When I am depressed to this point, I do not want others to witness the pain I am feeling. While it may seem that I am pushing people away, I am really trying to protect them. I do not want them to experience me at my worst. 

                  Part of the reason I push others away when I am struggling is that it is difficult to explain what I am going through. How do I tell a friend that my brain is telling me that I would be better off dead? How do I tell a loved one that my brain is telling me that I do not have any reasons to live? Those are hurtful things to tell another person, especially someone I care about. So even though it appears that I am being a bad friend and pushing people away, I am really trying to protect my friends and loved ones. If my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I do not mean for it to make me a bad friend.  

                  I wish my mental health did not get in the way of relationships, but it has been doing that most of my life. I have avoided potential relationships because I fear I will just end up hurting others. I spend a lot of time alone because pushing others away has become an automatic response for me. Often, I cannot even control it. Sometimes it just happens. When I sense my depression worsening, I close myself off to others. My walls go up and I hide in the darkness. 

                  Having a conversation about this with friends is difficult. It is actually much easier for me to sit here and write this than it is to speak about it. I have also pushed enough people away that I am afraid I will push the remaining few away, too.

                  My mood can also make me difficult to be around. Who wants to be around someone who is struggling with mental health? The darkness that surrounds me can be felt by others. My mood makes it difficult for me to enjoy interactions, which makes it hard to have fun with others. Oftentimes my depression causes me to be quiet and not engage. That can be hard on friendships. People do not want to be around someone who cannot engage. Believe me, I wish I could be different in these moments. I wish that depression did not take over. I am getting treatment, and I am doing better, but with some friends and loved ones, it is too late. The me they know is the depressed me, the me they do not want to be around. There will always be the thought that I will be that me again. So, they distance themselves. I cannot blame them. I just wish they knew that the me they are distancing themselves from is not the me I wish to be.

                  Depression impacts all areas of life. It can tear apart relationships. It can destroy a person’s ability to interact socially. I have experienced this firsthand. If there was a way, I could erase the damage my depression has caused, I would do it without hesitation. Unfortunately, there is no magic eraser. Depression has done its damage. Treatment will help me feel better, but it cannot undo the harm it has caused to some relationships. For my part, I guess I can only try to move forward. I can hope that the relationships I do have will become stronger and that I will make new relationships. I can hope that those whom I have pushed away, may someday find a way to forgive me for the damage my depression has caused.

                  My mental health is what it is. I live with this illness. That is what depression is for me. It is an illness. Not everyone is going to understand that. Even if they do, they may not be able to cope with it. I understand that. So, if my mental health has made me a bad friend, I am sorry. I am trying to be better. I am trying to get healthier. Maybe one day, I will be able to interact with others without depression whispering in my ear. Until then, I hope my friends and loved ones understand. 

It’s Okay to Have Suicidal Thoughts

                  I’ve written about this phrase in previous posts and the phrase is often used on social media, “It’s okay, not to be okay.”  It is an important belief especially when we are dealing with suicidal thoughts. When suicidal thoughts are in our heads it is difficult to find a positive, which can make it hard to believe that what we are thinking or feeling is okay. I have learned that it is okay to have suicidal thoughts. It hasn’t been an easy lesson to learn. In fact, it has taken a lifetime.

                  Suicidal thoughts/ideation are symptoms of an illness. They are not a sign of weakness. I can’t stress this idea enough. For so long I believed that my suicidal thoughts meant that I was weak; that I was a bad person. I thought they meant that I didn’t deserve to live. I am sure I am not alone in these thoughts. When our thoughts become consumed with suicidal ideation, it is difficult to not place blame on ourselves. I, for one, feel isolated and cut off from others. There is a darkness that shrouds me. It prevents me from seeing the light of hope. I believe that I am not okay in these moments. These are all lies created by mental illness. 

                  It has been a struggle, but I have learned that I need to reach out for help when suicidal thoughts/ideation fill my mind. My mental health team has taught me that my life is worth living and that it is okay to reach out in those moments when I am struggling. I have learned to talk about these thoughts. By talking about my suicidal thoughts/ideation, I take away their power. I learn that I am okay. The thoughts are a part of my illness. Talking about them pulls me out of the darkness and allows me to find hope. When I have hope, I have a reason to live. I have realized that it is okay to have these thoughts, but I must reach out in these times. I must understand that I need help to deal with the thoughts. Just like with other illnesses, I need care when the symptoms are present. 

                  The fact that I have suicidal thoughts/ideation at times does not make me a bad person. It does not mean that don’t value my life. What it does mean is that I am hurting. I am suffering from an illness that needs treatment. I urge anyone who is having suicidal thoughts/ideation to reach out for help. You can call someone on your care team, 988, or a loved one. Reach out. You deserve help. It is not your fault that you have an illness. If you are able to, create a safety plan when the thoughts aren’t present or are not as strong. I discuss safety plans in my article on the NAMI Glendale website. I know I have brought this article up in other posts. I bring it up again because I believe having a safety plan is very important. It can save our lives. 

                  It is okay to have suicidal thoughts. The important thing is to reach out for help when those thoughts occur. We need help to prevent us from acting on the thoughts. Needing help is not a sign of weakness. I realize that when we are in darkness of suicidal thoughts it is difficult to reach out. We feel like we are not okay. We feel like we are a burden. Think of it this way, if you were having symptoms of a heart attack, you would call 911. You need to reach out for professional help when you have the symptoms, suicidal thoughts/ideation, of a mental illness. Each one of us deserves that help. We deserve help overcoming our illness. It is okay if you have these thoughts. The important part is what you do in response. Create that safety plan and reach out for help. It’s hard, but in the big picture, it is worth it. 

                  

Hope After Suicidal Thoughts

                 The pain of suicidal ideation is difficult to bear. It shrouds you in darkness. The pain is indescribable. I have been there several times. Each time I believe I won’t be able to escape the pain. Dying seems like the only viable option. I want the pain to end and can’t find any other way. During these times I struggle to let others into my thoughts. I believe no one else can understand. Hopelessness fills me. This is the pain of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

                  I have been lucky. I have found a way back from the edge of death each time. Hope has returned to my life. As I mentioned in an earlier post, the song “Let It Go” by Grace Slick (not the Frozen song) brought me back from the edge of suicide several times as a teenager. I had the opportunity to meet Grace Slick a few years ago. I thanked her for saving my life. She said something I will never forget. With a smile she looked at me and said, “you did that. You were strong.” That was an empowering statement. It made me realized that a part me has wanted to live even in the moments when life seemed to be at its bleakest. I’m still grateful to Grace Slick because her song guided me to find that strength.

                  Suicidal thoughts have followed me throughout my life. I often still turn to “Let It Go” in these times. You can listen to it here: "Let It Go". A song alone is not enough to defeat suicidal thoughts. I need help from mental health professionals. I now have a safety plan that includes reaching out to my mental health team when I am in crisis. They talk to me and help me fight the suicidal thoughts. They ensure that I am safe. They provide the support I need to get through the crisis. I also have a friend I can reach out to when I feel I need support. This is why I have a safety plan. It reminds me of what to do when I am fighting the suicidal thoughts. For more on safety plans read my article How a Safety Plan Can Ease a Mental Health Crisis on the NAMI Glendale website.

                  So, what happens when the crisis is over. How do you continue living after a suicidal crisis? It’s hard to explain how I come back from one of these episodes. It involves hope. Part of returning from the edge of suicide requires hope that I can heal. I think this is something that anyone fighting suicidal thoughts /ideation needs in order to overcome the thoughts. For me hope doesn’t emerge on its own. My mental health team provides me with hope. Often, I have held onto their hope for me as that hope develops in me. Wanting to die is the absence of hope. Therefore, when battling suicidal thoughts/ideation you need hope. Hope is the belief that there is light in our world. Hope is the belief that the suicidal thoughts are lying. Hope is the belief that you can get better. It is important to remember that suicidal thoughts/ideation are symptoms of an illness. With the right treatment we can get better. We need to trust in our care. That requires hope. 

                  Hope does not develop easily. That is why I have relied on the hope my team has for me to give me a push. Once I have held onto their hope it becomes easier to find hope for myself. Having others to help us makes it easier to climb out of the darkness of suicidal thoughts/ideation. When we latch onto their hope for us, we are better able to develop hope on our own. 

What if you don’t have someone to share hope with you? Unfortunately, this is a reality for some people. If you don’t have someone you can turn to, please know that I have hope for you. Know that you can turn to organizations like NAMI. You can call 988 and speak to a trained counselor. If you don’t have a mental health professional, reach out to your primary care provider. They can refer you to a provider who can help. It is important to know that you are not alone. You can find hope even in your darkest moments. 

                  Those of us with suicidal thoughts/ideation are not alone. Too many people suffer with these thoughts. Too many people act on these thoughts. That is why I am spending so much time writing about suicide this month. I know what it is like to be in the darkness. I have been on the edge of taking my life. I don’t want to go back to that edge, and I don’t want others to be on that edge. I encourage you to reach out. There is help and there is hope. 

 

 

 

Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Are Not Signs of Weakness

                   At times there is a misconception that suicidal ideation and/or suicide are signs of weakness. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. Suicidal ideation and suicide attempts are symptoms of an illness. Several mental illnesses can include suicidal ideation/attempts as symptoms. They result from the intense pain caused by mental illness.

                  I have been suicidal on several occasions. It is a very painful experience to feel that life is not worth living. This pain stems from the thoughts and emotions caused by mental illnesses. My personal experiences with suicidal ideation are a result of depression. So, as I write this post I am speaking from that experience, but other mental illnesses can lead to suicidal ideation and attempts. I can only speak from my perspective, but I want to emphasize that other mental illnesses are just as painful.

                  My suicidal thoughts began when I was a teenager. I didn’t understand what I was experiencing. I had not been diagnosed with depression at this point. So, I was struggling to get by on my own. Back then there were few, if any, resources for people experiencing suicidal thoughts. 988 didn’t exist. School personnel were not trained to provide assistance and resources. As result, I was left to live with my thoughts of ending my life. I came close several times. I credit a song by Grace Slick with getting me through those times. I used to play “Let It Go”, on my record player. I felt as if Grace Slick was singing to me, calling me back from the edge. I share this story in detail in my book Traveling the Healing Journey: Finding the Light in Mental Illness(available from your local bookstore or Amazon). 

                  When I look back on those times, I remember feeling alone, isolated. I remember having no hope for my life. I felt as if the emotional pain I was feeling would never end. I would “hear” thoughts in my head telling me I would be better off dead. All of this was too much for me as a teenager with no professional support. I believed that suicide was my only escape. I wrote a lot about dying. Most of my writing was poetry. It was very dark and filled with the pain I felt. My suicidal ideation was not a sign of weakness, though. It was a symptom of an illness that I had not yet been diagnosed with. Fortunately, I managed to get through those years without taking my life. I’m not sure how, but I am still here.

                  Being diagnosed with major depression at age 20 did not end my suicidal thoughts. These thoughts don’t magically disappear once our illness has a name. The thoughts are part of the illness for many of us. I still struggle with the thoughts at times 35 plus years after they first emerged. Thankfully, I have learned a lot about my illness since then and I have had the support of mental health professionals. Still, the thoughts can pop into my head without warning. With the help of my mental health team, I created a safety plan for when those times occur. I wrote about safety plans in an article on NAMI Glendale’s website, How a Safety Plan Can Ease a Mental Health Crisis. My safety plan includes when I need to seek help, who I need to reach out to, how I can reach out, and how my contact person can reach those who can provide professional help. 

                  My last major crisis with suicidal ideation was 16 months ago. The thoughts became loud in my head. Those thoughts were not a sign of weakness. They were a verbal expression of the emotional pain I was experiencing at the time. They were a cry for help. The thoughts were also plea for escape. I needed help. Thankfully, I knew to reach out for help. I was provided with the mental health help I needed to ease the symptoms of my illness. I was not treated as if I was weak. I was treated with respect and understanding. I was provided with the treatment I needed.  I was lucky. Not everyone has the resources to get the help needed. The lack of resources leads to high numbers of suicide in the world today. It is important to raise awareness and increase support for mental health resources so that we can provide help.

                  Mental Health First Aid is an important resource. People can be trained in Mental Health First Aid. Click on the link for more information about this important training. I went through the training. I would encourage others to get trained. You never know when you might need to use that training. I saw recent social media posts where singer Jon Bon Jovi and another woman were able to talk a woman out of jumping off a bridge. I don’t know what they said, but they showed that they cared and were able to get this woman safely off the bridge. Would you be prepared if you were in a similar situation? Mental Health First Aid can help you be prepared.

                  When a person considers taking their life or is attempting to take their life, they are not weak. Living takes strength when you have a mental illness. We are strong people who reach a point at which the weight we bear becomes too heavy. Death seems like the answer, but it is not. One person reaching out can make a difference. I am grateful that I have never been able to follow through on my thoughts of suicide. Those thoughts may be something I deal with throughout life, but I want to live. So do most, if not all people, who struggle with suicidal ideation. We just need a little support. Suicide is not a sign of weakness. It is a symptom of a mental illness. It shouldn’t be looked on with derision. Rather, we need people to reach out and provide help. Call the 988 crisis line. Be that person who listens. You may save a life. 

Passive Suicidal Ideation

                  Today I want to discuss a topic that is close to my heart. It is something I relate well to because I have dealt it for most of my life. I want to talk about passive suicidal ideation. The word passive is misleading. It doesn’t feel passive. Passive suicidal ideation is a serious problem and one that needs to be discussed. 

Passive suicidal ideation is when someone wishes they were dead or has thoughts about killing themselves without making a direct plan. (source: GoodRx.com) Even though the person does not have a plan, passive suicidal ideation needs to be taken seriously. It requires the attention of a mental health professional. 

Thoughts that a person with passive suicidal ideation might have include:

 

·      “I can’t do this anymore.”

·      “I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.”

·      “Everyone would be better off without me.”

·      “I wish I could just disappear.”

·      “I hope I get in a car crash.”

·      “I just want to sleep and never wake up.”

 

These thoughts may include a desire to die or not exist. The person may feel

hopeless. They may also feel trapped. Giving up seems to be the answer. The person may talk of feeling numb to everything around them. 

The difference between passive suicidal thoughts and active suicidal thoughts is that with active suicidal thoughts there is an intent and a plan to die. Even though there is no plan with passive suicidal thoughts, it is important to get help. Those thoughts can become active. Passive suicidal thoughts become overwhelming. There seems to be no escape from the pain they cause. Without help passive thoughts can become active. 

I don’t want to get too personal with my passive suicidal thoughts, but I have struggled with them. I have a safety plan for when they enter my mind. One key is recognizing their presence. When I can identify the thoughts, I am better able to reach out for help. One thing I have noticed is that I need to reach out for help early. If I allow the thoughts to fester, they become more difficult to fight. I think having a safety plan is important. It allows me to get help when I need it. My designated friend knows what to do if I share with her that I am having these thoughts. The safety plan provides an opportunity for my mental health team to intervene.

Passive suicidal thoughts are difficult to share with others. When these suicidal thoughts enter our minds reaching out can be the last thing we want to do for many reasons. These include embarrassment, fear of hospitalization, feelings of being a burden on others, and frustration. I have learned that these feelings are normal. Just as important, these feelings are okay. Passive suicidal thoughts are a part of the illness. Not everyone experiences them, but those of us that do, need to know that it is not our fault. Creating a safety plan and having conversations with our mental health providers are keys to fighting passive suicidal ideation. For more on creating a safety plan see my article at: https://namiglendale.org/how-a-safety-plan-can-ease-a-mental-health-crisis/

I know that at times my mind is going to go there. It is something that my mind has been doing for as long as I can remember. It took a long time to learn how to deal with these thoughts and how to trust others to help me. If you only take away one thought from this post, I hope that you take away that the thoughts are not your fault and that you deserve help. Knowing this is not going to stop the thoughts, but it will make the battle easier.