How to Support Someone with Depression: The Power of Listening Without Judgment

         I recently read a sentence on social media (Fred’s Fighters) that I feel gets right to the heart of what it means to support someone with mental illness. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is our presence.

                  Let that sit for a moment. To help someone who is struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, we can support them by simply being present. The “being there” matters more than what you say or even do. How do we do this? How do we allow ourselves to just be present for someone else? 

First, we need to recognize that we do not and cannot fix everything for the person who is struggling. This may look like just sitting next to the person and listening without interrupting. With that in mind, we need to listen to the person without trying to fix them. As a person living with depression and anxiety, there are times when I would like someone to just listen to me. In these moments I am not looking for answers or a fix to the depression and anxiety. I just want to be heard. I want what I am experiencing to be recognized. Sometimes just knowing a friend or family member is with me is enough to build that feeling of safety that I need to work through the depression and anxiety.

I see this modeled by my mental health providers when they listen without interrupting. They allow me to express what I am feeling or thinking before they speak. They allow moments of silence. These can be important because it allows processing time. When there can be silence and we still know we are not alone, it means the other person is really present for us. Of course, mental health professional needs to interrupt the silence and offer support and intervention, but they model being truly present. We can learn from this.

Being present for another person means believing the person without questioning. This is where we remove judgement. If a person says something like “life doesn’t seem worth living”, do not judge them. This is a real feeling, a real experience. Instead, being present means listening to what the person has to say. We need to give the person our full attention. We can reflect on what they are saying. We might say something like, “It sounds like you are carrying a lot.” This lets the person know that are hearing that they are struggling or that things are difficult for them. Avoid phrasing it like a question. Someone who is really listening reflects on what the other person is saying without questioning or judging..

When we are being present, we also want to validate the other person’s words and feelings. As we listen, we might say, “That sounds very difficult” or “I can see why you feel that way.” We can validate without judging. It is important to let the person know we believe their thoughts and feelings are real. Being present means hearing what the other person is saying and then letting them know you are really hearing them and not judging them. This requires us to sit and just listen first. Give the person the time they need to express what they are experiencing. That is being present. As we validate someone’s thoughts or feelings, it is important that we do not minimize those thoughts. The feelings and thoughts are real. They feel heavy to the person. That heaviness should be respected, not minimized.

What about support? How do we support the person as we are being present?  First, we should offer support without taking over. We can do this by saying something like, “How can I support you right now?” or “What would be most helpful from me right now?” It is important to let the person have control over the support they are given. This means respecting that they know what type of support they need in the moment.

What if the person seems hopeless or is expressing a desire to hurt themselves or take their life? This is where being present means ensuring the person is connected to mental health professionals. One way to do this is to ask the person if there is away for them to contact their mental health professionals. Encourage them to reach out to trusted mental health professionals. If the person is in danger or if you think they are going to follow through on thoughts of self-harm or suicide, help them contact emergency services. This might be the 988 lifeline or 911. Always stay present with this person if they are in danger of harming themselves. Maintain the aspects of being present discussed above and keep the person safe until they can receive support from mental health or emergency professionals. 

When we are being present for a person with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, it is important to remember that we do not need to have all the answers. We want to allow the person to feel heard, respected, and accepted while they are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other manifestations of mental illness. Being present for another person is a gift. On the surface it may sound like a difficult thing to do, but it really comes down to being kind. It is treating another person the way we would want to be treated. We can be present for each other if we let go of preconceived notions and accept the other person for who they are. This means letting go of judgement and replacing it with openness. None of us are going to be perfect at this, but the more we try, the better we will be at being present for others. Think about what a gift it is to simply be present with another. 

 

 

How Art Helps Depression and Anxiety: Ways Creativity Can Improve Mental Health

        I never thought of myself as being good at art. I am sure my I was terrible at art as a child. I do not remember having confidence in doing anything art related. My attempts at drawing were criticized. A strange thing has happened as I have learned to search for ways to cope with depression. I discovered art. 

                  As I have found art helping me cope with depression and anxiety, I have wanted to learn more about how art helps and different ways I can engage with art. I thought I would share what I have discovered. Art is a tool and a craft. It can be a passion and a distraction. Art can be anything we want it to be. 

                  Creating art and appreciating the arts can help us cope with depression and anxiety. It is important to note that art does not replace mental health treatment. Art can be a useful coping tool when we are struggling or even to keep us doing well. We can add art making and appreciating art to our mental health toolkits.

How Does Art Help with Depression and Anxiety

There are several ways that art helps with depression. Here are a few:

·      Provides Emotional Expression: Art, in its many forms can help us express our emotions when we cannot find the words. Often, expressing emotions can be difficult when we are struggling with depression or anxiety. Art can provide alternate ways to express emotions. Whether it is drawing, painting, sculpting, writing, music, dance, and other forms of art all invite us to express ourselves. Sometimes art allows us to express emotions that are difficult to express in words. 

·      Reduces Stress in the Moment: When we focus on doing art there is a shift in our attention. We can escape the emotions or stresses we are experiencing because of depression or anxiety. We can escape into a painting projects or lose ourselves in a drawing. The thoughts, worries, or feelings of depression or anxiety do not necessarily disappear, instead they take a backseat to whatever we are creating. 

·      Create a Sense of Accomplishment: When we complete even a small art project, we feel a sense of accomplishment. It might be something as simple as a quick drawing or pouring paint on a canvas. We can see what we have created, and this allows us to feel like we have done something. When our motivation is low, it can help to see ourselves making progress on something. 

·      Encourages Mindfulness: When we are engaging in artistic activities, we pay close attention to colors, sounds, textures, and movement. Focusing on these can interrupt thought patterns that are common with depression and anxiety, such as rumination and negative thought patterns. This is a part of mindfulness.

·      Builds Connections: When we engage in art sometimes, we are drawn to share our art or take art classes. This can reduce isolation. We might go to a Paint Nite or go to the local craft store. We might find enjoyment and connection in going to an art exhibit or a concert. 

·      Helps People Understand Themselves: We may find that we understand aspects of our emotions when we look at our art. We may find patterns that help us understand something about ourselves. We may recognize emotional patterns, personal strengths, or changes in mood that we do not recognize in our day-to-day routines. 

 

Process of Creating

                  Using art to help with mood or anxiety is not about the finished product. It is more about the process. It is about how we feel as we are creating. We might simply create art for the sake of creating it. We can focus on how a particular art medium feels in our hands or what it feels like to doodle on a page. 

                  I have a sketchbook that is just for drawing circles in different patterns when I am feeling anxious or need to calm myself. I focus on drawing the circles in a set pattern. This takes away pressure to have a perfect finished product. 

                  Simple activities such as doodling, taking pictures, molding a piece of clay, or practicing an instrument can be calming and distracting. The practice is the important thing is engaging in an art activity. Let’s look at some simple ways we can engage in the process of creating.

                  Simple Ways to Create

·      Doodling for ten minutes

·      Coloring in a coloring book

·      Make a collage using magazine pictures and stickers

·      Journaling – maybe add some sketches

·      Work with clay or play dough

·      Take photos of things you find interesting

·      Pour paint over a glass jar (there are pouring paints for this)

·      Paint a paint by number canvas

·      Crochet or knit

·      Embroider a small square every day

 

We may need to learn some of these forms of art. That is a good thing. Learning a new skill helps us build confidence and encourages us to engage in something. If there is an art form we would like to learn, we can probably find a video or tutorial on YouTube to guide us. We can also venture out to our local craft store if we are up to it.

No Judgement

You do not have to be great at art to benefit. The process is the important part. We are not looking for masterpieces. We can just enjoy the act of making. As we enjoy the process, we will gain benefits from the art. It can be relaxing, distracting, or just fun. The important thing is not to stress over the art. We want to enjoy what we are making. No one is going to judge our art. We can decide if we share it with others. Our art is for us. 

 

Personal Experience

                  As I mentioned, in my younger years, I did not feel like I was good at art. I avoided most art activities. The exception would be writing, but I did not realize writing was art until much later. 

                  My introduction to art came a few years ago when a friend took me to a Paint Nite. I was not sure I would like it, but I wanted to spend time with my friend. So, we went. I followed the teacher’s instructions. It was fun. At the end of the night, I had a painting I was proud of. Slowly, I started trying painting on my own. Eventually, I discovered paint pouring and fell in love with it. Watching the colors mix soothes me and helps ease the anxiety. Now, I try to find time to paint whenever I can. Sometimes it is hard to motivate myself when I am feeling depressed, but I try. I actually enjoy the practice of art, and I am improving. I am branching out into drawing and coloring. Maybe I will try other art forms. I do not create masterpieces in any way, but I enjoy the practice of making art. I like gifting my art even if my art does not meet masterpiece standards.

                  I recognize the benefits of art in my life. It is now a tool in my coping strategies toolkit. I encourage you to give art a try. You may find that you like it and can add it to your coping strategies toolkit.

 

Depression Recovery: Why Small Victories Matter More Than You Think

Depression is difficult to live with. Depression affects our motivation, our energy levels, our concentration, our decision-making skills, our self-care abilities, and our feelings of accomplishment. With any or all these things being affected by depression, it can be difficult to experience success in the way society tends to view it. For many of us with depression, it is important that we adjust how we define success.

Healing, or recovery, can be difficult to define because they can look different for each person. Healing can even look different for the same person at different times in their life. One thing we need to avoid when we discuss healing is absolutes. Healing does not mean the depressive symptoms are completely gone. Healing is a process. Since it is a process, we need to recognize the small victories in the healing process. 

Why Small Wins Matter in Depression Recovery

                  Small victories are the little things we notice as depression is lifting. A victory might be getting out of bed in the morning. It might be going 24 hours without a suicidal thought. It might be engaging with a friend. Small victories are the steps that show depression is lifting. One way I know I am coming out of a depressive episode is that I see more color in the world around me. Another way I know I am healing is I isolate less. These are small things on their own, but when look at them through the lens of the healing process, they are important. 

                  There have been times when even the small things have seemed impossible for me. When depression is at its worse, I struggle to function. Simple self-care activities are difficult. Keeping my house clean becomes difficult. I set something down and don’t have the willpower to put it where it belongs. Making a meal for myself can be difficult. There have been times when just washing a couple dishes or washing a load of laundry is an accomplishment. It may seem silly to think of one of these activities as a victory, but it shows how difficult depression can make our lives. 

                  I have been lucky that despite depression ravaging my life, I have been able to work most of that time. Many people are not as lucky. There have been days when just walking in the door at work has been a success for me. Unfortunately, I cannot say that depression has not impacted me at work. The days, even the moments when I have been able to function enough to work effectively are successes.

A Simple Exercise to Recognize Your Progress

                  If you are reading this and you live with depression, I want you to try something. Look at your life. Write down five small things that are difficult for you because of depression. There may be more, but let’s start with five. You can add more later. Next to each one, write what it looks like when you accomplish it. Then I want you to write an equal sign (=) after each description. After each description write the word “victory”. Keep this paper where you can easily access it to remind that you can achieve victories. It does not need to be all five at once. Maybe it is just one today and a different one tomorrow. The important thing is recognizing the small victories over depression. 

                  If you are reading this and you do not live with depression, I want you to go back and read that last paragraph. Now, make a list of small things you do without thinking about it. These are your small victories. The difference is these do not require the same effort from you. What if you could not do these things? What if something as seemingly simple as taking a shower was difficult for you? What if returning a text message took effort from you? This is what life with depression is like. 

Small Victories Add Up

                  Small victories add up. They add up at different paces for each of us. We may have setbacks. We made do more on one day than another. We may have days when depression knocks us completely out and we do not do anything. All this is okay. It is part of the healing process. 

I think one of the important parts of healing is recognizing that it is a process. It is actually a lifelong process because depression is an illness. For most of us it is more than just passing episode. I try to remember that there are going to be times when I am doing well and there are going to be times when I struggle. To do this I need to remain focused on the small victories. For example, having a conversation with the techs when I receive TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) or esketamine, is one way I measure my small victories. If I can have a conversation, I know I am improving. I know I am less depressed. 

Depression makes life tough. Those of us who live with it must be tough. We may not recognize how tough we are. That is because depression screams the opposite it in our heads. The truth is we work hard to do the small things. We deserve to recognize these accomplishments. We also need to know that small victories add up. As we do the small things, we increase our ability to do harder things. By focusing on the small things, we can fight our way back into life. We can fight depression and be well. This does not mean we will not fall back into the darkness of depression at times, but if we focus on the small victories, we can keep ourselves on the healing journey. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Thank You to My Mental Health Team: A Poem About Hope and Healing

Some of my last posts have been heavy. Others have been long. So, today I thought I would share a poem. It is a poem that recognizes the presence of psychologists, psychiatrists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, therapists, and counselors on the journeys so many of us struggle through as we navigate life with mental illness. As I share this poem, I say thank you to my mental health care team. Every one of you makes a difference in my life. I could not get through life without you. I am grateful beyond words. Hopefully, this poem shares that. 

For all the other mental health care professionals reading this, thank you. Your work makes a difference.

 

I Turn to You

 

When life is turned upside down

And everything is in disarray,

I turn to you.

Needing someone to make sense of the madness.

Searching for a reason I feel so much pain.

You quietly reassure me,

Remind me I am not alone.

Just a few words are all it takes.

Your words healing me,

Soothing my aches.

Quieting my mind.

I turn to you,

Know you are there.

I take comfort in your words,

And live to fight another day.

 

 

What Living with Depression Really Feels Like: A Personal Letter to Friends and Family

This post is written to raise awareness about living with depression by giving an inside look at depression and anxiety. 

 

Dear Friends, Family, and Those of You Reading This,

                  I think about my life, and I realize I have lived through a lot. Many you of know some of my struggles, but you don’t know all of them. I want to share with you how depression impacts my life.

On the surface I function fairly well most of the time. What you don’t see is the voice inside of me screaming words of self-doubt. It is the voice of depression. It tries to drag me down. It tells me I am not good enough. It reminds me of all I am not good at and demeans my abilities in other areas. Depression’s friend anxiety jumps in and makes things worse. Anxiety tells me things are not going well. It brings fear to the forefront of my mind. 

Depression dampens my view of the world. It blankets my life in darkness. The me you see is fighting on the inside. I need to push myself to reach through the darkness and function. Living with depression is a constant battle to find light in the world. Depression wants everything to seem negative and not worth doing. Depression wants me to hide in a corner and avoid the world.

When depression shows its worst side, it pounds me with the idea that life is not worth living. Yes, even when you see me functioning, I may be battling to tell depression I want to live. You see, depression tells me just the opposite. Can you imagine for a moment what that might be like? 

What is weird is anxiety jumps in at times and expresses fear of dying. My cancer battle is an example. When I found out I had cancer, anxiety grew stronger. It told me I was going to die. In all honesty, I was very sick. The problem was anxiety took every pain and intensified it. It brought doom and gloom to every test. Depression told me I deserved cancer because I had believed my life was not worth living. Imagine what is like to be afraid of an illness that is trying to kill you while at the same time thinking that your thoughts brought on the illness.

The thing is I fought through all of this. You may not be aware of how much I fight or how difficult it is for me to navigate depression and anxiety. That is because I try to hide it from you. I do not want you to worry about me. I do not want you to see how much I struggle or how much pain I feel. 

I have support in dealing with depression and anxiety. I am not alone. I have a team I can rely on to provide the treatment I need to continue functioning in this world. They teach me how much life is worth living. They provide ideas for the coping strategies I use to cope with all that depression and anxiety challenge me with. They provide the treatment I need to overcome depression and anxiety.

I am actually doing well as I write this. I am in a safe space, but I know how fragile that space is. Depression and anxiety can take control. They can tear apart the safe space I am in at any moment. I need to believe I can cope with anything depression and anxiety throw at me. My team helps me. My experience strengthens me. I move forward, if not confidently, at least emboldened to try.

My hope in writing this is that you see what is underneath the persona I try to show to you. I do not do this to make feel sorry for me. There is no reason to feel that way. I do ask that you become an ally. I ask you to be someone who will sit with me in the darkness, not to try to fix me, but just to be with me. In being an ally, you can make others aware of what it is like to live with depression and anxiety. You will be raising awareness, which is how we create opportunities for people to get help when depression and/or anxiety become too much. I also ask that if you see any of what I have shared in yourself, that you reach out and ask for support. Depression and anxiety hurt, but when people support each other, we can ease the pain.

                                                                                                                                                                  Take Care,         

                                                                                                                                                                  Gina

 

Why Structure Is Essential for Managing Depression: How routines can help you stay grounded, reduce anxiety, and protect your mental health during vacations, holidays, and other periods of downtime.

        Vacation! Sounds like just what we need. Whether it is a week off in the middle of the year, time off for a holiday, or the summer off for students and teachers, a break seems like just what we need, especially when we live with mental illness. Time off can be a relief. It can be time to get away from the stressors in our lives. Unfortunately, for many with mental illness, a break can take us away from the routines that ground us and provide a sense of security despite the stress they cause. 

I am a teacher. Many of my friends are teachers. We all look forward to winter break and are even more excited for the longer summer break. Many people look forward to a long weekend. The reality is that as much as we look forward to these breaks, they can disrupt the routines that we come to rely on. There is structure in getting up to an alarm at the same time every day. Our work routines allow us to shift into autopilot. For me this autopilot often prevents me from thinking. The thoughts depression fills my mind with can be ignored because I am focusing on the requirements of my job. We know our day will be filled with work until a certain time. Then it will be time to handle all the home chores that need to get done. 

This raises the question, how does structure help people with mental illness? Let’s look at some of the ways. First, I think it is important to note that while structure is important for many of us, that structure works best when it is flexible rather than rigid. Structure helps us manage symptoms and maintain healthy lifestyles and behaviors. It also provides a better sense of stability. 

There are several ways that structure can help us. Here are a few:

·      Reduces stress and uncertainty - When we know what to expect during the day, our anxiety levels are often lower. Stress is also reduced by having fewer decisions to make during the day. As an example, if a person knows which tasks they need to complete and at what time they need to complete them, it is often easier to be prepared to complete the task. 

·      Supports healthy habits – We can improve our mental health or keep it stable when we have a structure that allows us to maintain healthy habits. When we have a schedule to follow, we can insert meal breaks, time for hydration, and we can include time to destress. That time to destress might be after the workday, but when we are working, we know when that time will be. An example of being healthy when we are working is having to meal plan and prep to make sure we eat healthy. I tend to eat more regularly when I am working. 

·      Builds a sense of accomplishment – When we are working or going to school, we often accomplish things that are noticeable. This can increase confidence, which can improve our mood. We can do this in our downtime, but even then, it requires establishing a routine. 

·      Encourages social connection – When we are working or going to school, being around people is necessary. It is harder to isolate, which those of us with depression tend to do. I know I am alone a lot more when I am not working. Being around people can boost our mood. 

·      Supports treatment adherence – It is often easier to stick to a treatment plan when we have structure in our lives. We might set an alarm for medication or schedule appointments right after work. These things become routine when we are working or going to school. When we are not, taking medication can be easily forgotten. Remembering when our appointments are might become harder because they are at different times. 

 

These ways that structure help us can be achieved when we are not working or in school, but the structure of regular routine is beneficial. When we are not working or in school, it is often best if we set up some type of routine. Each of us is unique in our needs. Some people with mental illness require more structure than others. I know when the depression and anxiety I face are more intense, I need more structure. If I don’t have that structure, I am likely to retreat into nothingness, which worsens my symptoms. 

It is easy to see how being away from a work or school environment can lead to less structure. When we are in a good place with our mental health, we may be able to do well in the freedom of time off. There are those of us who may not be able to do well. One way I have approached this is discussing what I will do with my time off with my mental healthcare providers. I think having a plan is good for anyone with a mental health disorder who is looking at time off. This doesn’t mean we won’t have some freedom. I have a plan, but within that plan I am free to decide what time I get out of bed or when I will make plans with a friend. What is important is that we decide how much structure we need and what that structure looks like for us. We build a plan from there. I am a big proponent of including our mental health providers in this. They can provide feedback and advice. They can also help us be accountable. 

I know I struggle with time off. My mood will drop if I just sit around my house with no plan. One way I keep things structured is by adding activities to the calendar on my phone. I check the next day’s activities the night before. This allows me to plan. It also provides me with the ability to look forward to things. I try to do more in the morning and early afternoon because I know if I get my day started in a positive way, I am more likely to find ways to be positive the rest of the day. This is a little trick that works for me. 

If you are looking at time off and wondering how you will manage it or you have found yourself with downtime and feel like you are struggling, I encourage you to look for ways you can put some structure in your day. While structure will look different for each one of us, we can start by breaking the day into parts. Decide one thing you will do in the morning and one thing you will do in the afternoon. Put it on your calendar. Share what you are doing with someone. This can be a friend, family member, or our mental health care provider. If we do these things, we have provided ourselves with structure, we have given ourselves things to look forward to or expect, and we have provided for some accountability. 

Dealing with downtime can be difficult when we live with mental illness, but we can learn to make the best of our time. We can learn to alleviate the stress downtime can bring. We can keep ourselves from being absent from life. The key is creating our own structure. It is important to remember that we are not going to figure this out overnight. We will make mistakes. We will struggle. So, we need to remember that each day is a new day to figure things out. If with ease structure into our lives, we will find that we can cope with our mental illness in a healthier way. 

Self-Care Myths That Can Make Depression Worse (And What Actually Helps)

                  Self-care is something that is frequently talked in relation to mental health. While it is important to engage in self-care, there are some self-care myths that can actually harm our mental health. This is something I had not really given much thought. However, as I have the summer off from work. I am a teacher. So, I get the summers off. I have been hoping to engage in self-care. I am trying to figure out what that looks like. In that search I have discovered that there are self-care myths that we can get trapped in.

                  Usually, self-care is seen in a positive light. What could be bad about putting ourselves first and taking care of ourselves? Focusing on self-care can unintentionally lead to stress or guilt. We can put pressure on ourselves to engage in self-care. We might fear that we are doing it wrong. These are some of the myths. Let’s talk about a few more. 

                  Often, people think of self-care as being relaxing. Think bubble baths and candles. There is more to self-care. It is not always a relaxing activity. Sometimes self-care is taking care of things we need to get done. An example might be scheduling a therapy appointment. Therapy is an important part of healing. The appointments don’t schedule themselves. So, self-care might include taking care of scheduling that appointment. This is not relaxing, but it is part of self-care.

                  Self-care can also include doing the hard things that we need to get done to feel better about ourselves. This might include having a difficult conversation or setting a boundary. Self-care might include doing something that is hard to do because of depression or anxiety. While these do not sound like self-care, they are supporting our long-term well-being. In doing the hard stuff, we allow ourselves to feel better in the long-term. That is self-care. It is not always easy.

                  This leads to another self-care myth. Self-care does not always mean we will feel better immediately. An example is that it might take time to learn how to meditate and feel relief from it. So, while initial attempts at meditation might not make us feel good, with practice we can develop the ability to gain benefits from meditation. The same is true for other common self-care practices. Taking our medication or receiving a treatment is a form of self-care because we are doing what we need to heal. However, medications and treatments can take time to work. Remember just because an activity takes time to work, doesn’t mean it is not working. Self-care is not always a quick fix.

                  Even self-care practices that we normally find relief from can require time to work or may work one day and not the next. An example from my life is that usually writing is a form of self-care for me. There are times, however, when writing overwhelms me. I understand that sometimes I need to step away from a self-care practice for a bit. Maybe I put my pen down for a few hours and try something else. I need to remember that self-care practices do not always work as we expect. It is okay to try different things. Self-care can be about exploration. We can explore different means of self-care and build a bag of self-care activities. Just because something is labeled as self-care that does not ensure that it will always provide relief or be a quick fix.

                  A myth that sometimes pops up is that self-care looks the same for everyone. This simply is not true. What works for one person may not work for someone else. We can try different things. There are a lot of factors that go into choosing the right self-care activity. Factors can be affected by interests, cultural values, personality, finances, health, and many other things. We can all build our own self-care practice using what works for us. We are all unique individuals. As such, we can each define what self-care looks like for us.

                  Another myth is that if a self-care activity isn’t working, we are doing it wrong. Sometimes our mental illness can impact how certain activities work for us. We also need to remember that we need mental health treatment in addition to the self-care activities. Self-care activities are not intended to replace or be instead of mental healthcare treatment. Self-care should be an add-on to treatment. 

                  Along with this, we need to remember that self-care is more than positive thinking. How many of us have been told to “just think positive”? I hate that. Positive thinking can be helpful as we battle mental illness, but it is not enough. Positive thinking does not make mental illness magically disappear. So, it is a myth that positive thinking Is a self-care practice that can alleviate depression or other mental illnesses.

            Self-care is about making choices that benefit our well-being. It is about engaging in practices that make us feel better even if there is a delayed effect. Self-care is truly personal. What works for one person may not work for someone else. We need to find what works for us. We do not need to believe what others tell us about self-care or aspire to have the same experience someone else has with a type of self-care. Bubble baths and candles might work for the social media influencer, but that does not mean we need to enjoy a candlelit bubble bath. 

Our goal with self-care is to be able to care for ourselves on the good days and the bad ones. Our self-care is going to be unique to each of us. Don’t believe the myths or the hype surrounding self-care. We each can find what works for us. We must accept that this can take time and work. Talk to your mental healthcare provider about what self-care might look like for you. Ask for ideas. They know you and can make suggestions. They can also help you process your ideas for self-care. At the end of the day, self-care is what we make of it. Self-care is unique to us, and we need to be patient enough to give our chosen activities time to have an effect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Show Up When You Have Depression (Even When You Don't Feel Like It)

When you live with depression it can be hard to show up in the ways we might want to show up. It is not that we do not want to be fully present or participate some moments. There are times when we just cannot. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses can overtake our desire to be a part of moments or to do things. 

                  Let me explain a little. There are times when depression can make us feel drained or even dead inside. We might be holding pain that we fear will pour out of us if we engage with others. Anxiety can put us on an edge and make us feel like we are going to dive right off it. These feelings are hard to cope with when we are just sitting in our homes. Can you imagine trying to engage with others at these times? 

                  There are times when we do it. Times when can put our mental illness on the backburner, so to speak. It is by no means easy. Nothing is when you live with mental illness. So, how do we do it? How do we show up when we do not have it in us to show up? 

                  Let’s look at some ways to make showing up a bit more doable. First, we should focus on making our involvement smaller. We can be present in less demanding ways. We can prepare ourselves for the involvement. 

                  Here are some things we can try:

·      Redefine what involvement means: We do not need to be fully involved in everything. Maybe instead of being at an event or commitment for the full time, we set a goal of saying for a quarter of the time or half the time depending on what we can do. If it is something we are trying to do for ourselves like clean our house, maybe we commit to washing three dishes or vacuuming one room. If it is going out with friends, maybe we commit to only an hour or two rather than the whole evening.

·      Choose one priority: If we have more than one commitment, choose one to make a priority. Let others know what we are committing to do and be sure to make it known that we will only do what we can.

·      Let others help: If there is someone we can trust involved, we can let them know what we think we handle. Ask them to help us stick to that. We can say something like, “I am having a hard time today. I may need a little help with X or Y?” 

·      Check In Support: If we are going to be out somewhere and think we might have difficulty getting away, we can ask someone ahead of time to give us a call to check in and give us an out. We can also ask someone who is with us to suggest leaving at a set time to help us be able to leave before we become overwhelmed.

·      Prepare in advance: If we know we have something to show up for we can take a few steps to prepare that will make showing up easier. This can range from laying out our clothes the night before to checking out a location in advance. There are many ways we can prepare for things in advance. These are as varied as the activities we show up for. 

     It is important to remember that part of showing up is taking care of ourselves. We cannot show up if we are not taking care of ourselves. This is why being in tune with our mental health is important. To be in tune with our mental health we need to keep appointments with mental health providers. We need to take our medications and receive our treatments. We need to practice our coping skills. We need to ensure we are getting rest and exercise. Basically, we need to take responsibility for our mental health. This is tricky because doing this involves showing up. So, to show up we need to show up. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is showing up takes making an effort to care for ourselves. We may not always feel like doing this, but if we can just put a little effort into it, only as much as we can give, we can show up.

The thing about showing up is that we are allowed to define what showing up means for us. No one else gets to define it for us. This may sound easier than it is. I know I struggle with showing up and often need reminders. Sometimes I can remind myself. Sometimes I need reminders from my mental healthcare team or others who are close to me. Perhaps, that is the key. We need to have conversations with those who support us. They need to know what we feel we can show up for and how we are able to show up. Of course, our ability to show up is going to vary based on how we are doing. Building a support system is crucial to being able to show up however we can.

Remember mental illness does not need to prevent us from showing up. We need to define what showing up means and then take the steps that will help us show up in our own way.