A Thank You to My Mental Health Team: A Poem About Hope and Healing

Some of my last posts have been heavy. Others have been long. So, today I thought I would share a poem. It is a poem that recognizes the presence of psychologists, psychiatrists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, therapists, and counselors on the journeys so many of us struggle through as we navigate life with mental illness. As I share this poem, I say thank you to my mental health care team. Every one of you makes a difference in my life. I could not get through life without you. I am grateful beyond words. Hopefully, this poem shares that. 

For all the other mental health care professionals reading this, thank you. Your work makes a difference.

 

I Turn to You

 

When life is turned upside down

And everything is in disarray,

I turn to you.

Needing someone to make sense of the madness.

Searching for a reason I feel so much pain.

You quietly reassure me,

Remind me I am not alone.

Just a few words are all it takes.

Your words healing me,

Soothing my aches.

Quieting my mind.

I turn to you,

Know you are there.

I take comfort in your words,

And live to fight another day.

 

 

Chasing Sunrises

Last week I had a conversation with the psychiatric nurse practitioner who oversees my esketamine treatment. She was telling me about how she learned to appreciate sunsets. It made me think. 

I pictured the sunsets I have seen. The sun is the ultimate light. Its beauty is spectacular, but how often do I stop and appreciate the beautiful glow of a sunset. As I thought about the sunsets, I realized sunrises share that same beauty. I was struck by a powerful symbolism. Indulge me as I share my thoughts and draw a connection between sunrises, sunsets, and mental health. 

In past posts I have shared how my depression and anxiety are represented by darkness in my writing.  Depression and anxiety are my night. When I am struggling with these mental illnesses, there is a lack of light in my life. Healing, which is represented by light, is not present. I struggle in my darkness. It is difficult to hold onto hope. So, how does healing find its way into my life or anyone’s? There is an emergence of light, a sunrise so to speak.

A sunrise is the emergence of the sun as it erases the night sky. Brilliant oranges and yellows appear as a new day begins. Sometimes there are also purples and reds. There is an amazing blending of bright colors. That same beauty is present when we heal from depression or other mental illnesses. A light rises within us. Healing happens in different ways for each of us. For some therapy is the key. Others find medication brings healing. There are others, who find healing from non-traditional treatments like TMS or esketamine. For most of us, healing comes from some combination of these and other approaches. The commonality is that healing brings with it a light. When we emerge from the darkness of mental illness, there is a sunrise in our lives. It may be subtle, but the light is there, and it is beautiful.

In the same way that the sun rises and sets, mental illnesses go through phases. We will have our nighttime, our struggles. This is when our night is darkest. The sun rises, though. We have our times of healing. When we are struggling, we can try to envision a sunrise. We can remind ourselves that with every darkness, there is a light waiting to rise. 

Part of healing is chasing sunrises. Think about the sunrises you have seen. They are beautiful, right? When we chase sunrises, we are doing all that we can to find healing. Every day is going to look different. Healing is not linear. Shadows may appear and obscure the light. That is when we need to continue chasing the sunrise. It might mean an extra therapy session or time spent journaling. There are many coping skills we can employ to help us chase the sunrise and heal. (You can find a variety of coping skills that may help you in my recent post: Creating a Self-Care Tool Kit or my post Things You Can Do to Support Your Mental Health.

                  Not every day will have a sunrise. As I write this it is a rainy day. I did not see a sunrise this morning, but despite the dark gray clouds, I know the sun is still there. We need to approach our mental illnesses the same way. There are times when darkness engulfs us. In those times we need to remember that the light of healing is still there. I am not saying this is easy. Believe me, there are times in the darkness when I lose sight of the fact that the light of healing exists. I have an idea. I do not know how well this will work but I am going to try it. Find a picture of a sunrise. It can be one you take or one you find on the internet. Keep it on your phone. When darkness settles in and mental illness seems in control, look at the picture of the sunrise. Let it remind you that just as the sun rises every day, the light of healing will emerge again. If we look at this picture enough, we can capture it in our minds and envision it when we need it. I am going to give it try. Give it a try with me.

I started this post by talking about sunsets. I have not forgotten them. While a sunset leads into darkness, it is still a time when light is present. It represents a willingness to appear despite falling of darkness. In that sense it holds beauty. We can embrace sunsets the same as we would sunrises. We need only focus on the light of each. The brilliant oranges and yellows that remind us that hope and healing exist. In embracing sunsets, we are remembering that the light of healing is with us even as darkness approaches.As we struggle with mental illness it is important that we chase sunrises. We need to search for the light of healing. When the sun rises, we need to remind ourselves that healing is there for us. We may need to chase it with therapy, medication, non-traditional treatments, and/or our coping strategies. With these we can feel the warmth of the sunrise and  beautiful healing into our lives. Let’s chase sunrises!

It’s Okay to Feel

“You are allowed to feel however you feel.”

     -    Found on FredsFighters on Instagram

 

 

How many of us have been embarrassed by our mental illness? How many of us have tried to hide our depression or anxiety? It is common for those of us with mental illness to be embarrassed by the way our illness makes us feel. I know there have been many times when I have felt like I was weak because my depression dragged every bit of energy out of me or left me seeing only the negatives around me. I cannot tell you how many times I have said to myself, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” For some reason depression and anxiety seem to make me feel like I am less of a person. From conversations I have had with others living with mental illness and from mental illness posts on social media, I know feeling embarrassed by feelings is common.

When I read, You are allowed to feel however you feel, it felt like both a punch in the gut and a sigh of relief. The punch in the gut comes from recognizing that embarrassment or need to hide my feelings. The idea that I should not feel the way I do has weighed heavy on me for most of my life. When I am surrounded by the darkness of depression or when I my mind fixates on a worry, I often tell myself that there is something wrong with me. I look around and see someone else going about their day, and I think, “that person doesn’t get anxious,” or “that person is not thinking about giving up on life.” The reality of it is that person may very well be struggling with something I am unaware of. They may also just be having a good day after a bad one. 

The thought that we are allowed to feel however we feel also led me to a sigh of relief. As I read the words, I felt like I was being given permission to feel. Everything that goes through my mind, all the darkness created by depression and all the anxious thoughts are okay. I realized that feelings are just that, feelings. We cannot control our feelings. They happen. We respond to stimuli around us. For those of us with a mental illness, there is an illness dictating some of our feelings. A mental illness like depression causes us to feel emotions such as hopelessness, despair, and loneliness. It may cause us to feel like life is too much or that it is not worth living. Anxiety may cause us to feel on edge or to feel a sense of doom. It may cause us to worry intensely about things beyond our control. Yes, I understand that we think our own thoughts, but the illnesses take hold and control our thought processes and our responses. They hold power over our feelings.

You are allowed to feel however you feel. There is such power in that simple sentence. We are allowed to feel what we feel. If depression is strangling us at the moment, it is okay for us to retreat into whatever strategies help us through those times without feeling embarrassment or feeling like we are somehow less of a person. Of course, if we feel either of those ways or any other way, it is okay. We feel what we feel. 

Our emotions or feelings are valid simply because we are feeling them. We do not need to justify them. Feelings are what they are. There is no wrong feeling. Our feelings are not mistakes. They are valid representations of what we are experiencing. We do not need permission to feel. We do not need to justify our feelings. 

It is important to acknowledge our feelings. It does not matter what is causing the feeling. The feeling may be a result of something we see or do. It may be a result of how our mental illness is affecting us. Acknowledging our feelings can be the first step toward understanding, healing, and growth. We all need these as move through life. Some of us may need more healing than others. That is okay. We each are where we are in life. We each experience our feelings.

You are allowed to feel however you feel. This statement is an invitation to the realization that self-compassion matters. It encourages us to be kind to ourselves. We can let go of guilt or shame. We can stop suppressing our feelings. Self-compassion allows us to feel however we feel. There is no right way to feel. Feelings are real. Sometimes we need help dealing with our feelings. That is okay, too. If we remember that whatever we feel is okay, then we will be better able to reach out when we are struggling. The act of reaching out is at the heart of living with mental illness. Maybe more than that, it is at the heart of being human. We are sentient beings. We have feelings and emotions. The next time we think, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” let’s give ourselves permission to feel.

 

A Heavy Load and a Smile

Because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy. – Unknown

                  There are so many people who live with mental illness. It is a heavy load. It is difficult to carry. It weighs us down. Yet you may not notice when someone is carrying that heavy load. The reason for that is that we are used to carrying the load of mental illness and have learned to disguise it. 

                  Oftentimes I wear a smile on my face even though I am struggling with my depression or anxiety. It is not because I am having an easy time carrying it. Rather it is because I do not want anyone to know I am struggling. I do not want to be asked questions. I do not want to hear platitudes. Hiding mental illness is often easier than explaining what I am going through. As a result, I have learned to carry my load well. If you do not know me, you will think I am fine. You will not recognize that underneath the smile I am struggling. 

                  How do we learn to cover up our heavy load? It is not easy. It comes from years of practice. First, we recognize that others do not understand what we are living with daily. We ask ourselves, “how can we protect ourselves from the judgement of others?” The answer comes to us. We need to pretend we are okay. That is the answer we arrive at because we are in pain. We cannot let others know that we are struggling with depression or other mental illnesses. Instinctively, we know that most people will not understand. Our load is heavy, but we cannot risk ridicule or misguided attempts to cheer us up. 

                  Mental illness is heavy. It is difficult to rise out of the depths of the darkness that heavy load wraps around us. Still, many of us have learned how to disguise the illness that plagues us. We smile. We go to work or school. We run errands. All while feeling the pain of mental illness. I have done this most of my life. I could not risk letting my depression and anxiety be noticed at work. I could not explain what I was going through to family and friends. I knew colleagues, family, and friends who did not live with depression and anxiety would not understand. So, I learned to wear a fake smile. I learned to blame physical illnesses such as colds and the flu for the days I just could not  bear to be around others. 

On the surface I carry the heavy load of mental illness well. Many of us do. Underneath it is struggle. I wish that I did not need to hide my depression and anxiety. There are times when I share it. I can share with my mental health team. With them I am honest about my struggles. I know that they will understand. I know that they will not judge me. I am safe. I wish I could be safe in other areas of my life. I do feel safer now than I did a few years ago. I have learned that I can be honest with certain people and in certain environments. There is a sense of relief when I can allow my load to be seen. 

We all carry different loads. Some are heavier than other loads. That is why kindness, which I wrote about in a post last week, is so important. If we are kind, we make it easier for others to share their loads. Kindness makes a difference. When someone is kind, I am less likely to disguise my load. If I know I am going to be treated with kindness and understanding, I am more willing to be open about what I am going through. I think most of us who carry heavy loads are looking for understanding and kindness. We do not need others to know everything about what we are struggling with. We just need an effort to understand and be kind. The understanding we are looking for is just an acknowledgement that what we are going is difficult. It is a heavy load that not everyone experiences. It is enough for someone to just be kind. Maybe sit with us or offer a word of support. 

Even the person who looks like they are fine might be carrying a heavy load. The holiday season is a time when some people’s loads grow even heavier. I know for me my depression and anxiety usually increase during the holidays. So, as we enter the holiday season, remember that others may be carrying a heavy load. Be kind and understanding. Your kindness and understanding might just make a difference for someone. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just Be

                  There is a Styx song titled, “Just Be”.  It is one of my favorites of their songs. It has a mellow feel, while still being a rock song. The concept behind the words “just be” remind me that sometimes we need to sit with ourselves and let the world happen around us. As someone with depression and anxiety, this is an important concept for me. 

                  What does it mean to “just be”? I think it means embracing a moment. It means letting go of what is in our minds. Depression and anxiety can really get my mind going on what seems like a never-ending loop. In these moments it is difficult to be still and to quiet my mind. I have several strategies at my disposal to try to cope in these situations. I use strategies such as self-hypnosis, listening to a hypnosis recording my psychologist made for me, listening to music, walking, writing/journaling, and creating art. One thing all these strategies have in common is they allow me to “just be”. I attempt to escape whatever is hounding me at the time by delving into one of these strategies. When I am doing this, I try to allow my mind to focus on just being present rather than the thoughts or pains I am experiencing. In a way I am allowing myself to “just be.”

                  There is a line in the song that I relate to, 

 

“You close your eyes 

But the sleep won't come.” 

 

I often struggle with my thoughts when I go to bed at night. Depression and anxiety like to relive the day or anything that has been difficult. They like to provide a running commentary that keeps me from being able to relax and sleep. Can anyone relate to this? I know I am not alone in this experience. As I lie there, I struggle to just be, but I know I need to find a way to let go and just be. 

By definition, just being is existing without striving, performing, or fixing. It sounds simple, right? As I have described it is not always easy. My nighttime experience is an example of how it can be difficult to let go of the expectations the world and we, ourselves, place on us. Our minds want to revisit everything. It is as if in revisiting we can fix things. But what if we could fix things by letting go and just being? 

One way we can just be is to sit in stillness with no goal in mind. Maybe we look out a window or sit on a park bench. We can notice a tree or feel the air. We can notice any sensations that might fall upon us. If we focus on noticing, we can learn to not try to manage the moment and to just be. We should observe, but not analyze. If we see the petals on a flower, let them be just petals. Notice their color and take those colors in. If we have a feeling as we are sitting in the stillness, let that feeling be a feeling without trying to analyze it or fix it. This is not easy, but with practice we can learn to sit in the stillness even if just for a couple moments.

I mentioned walking as a coping strategy I use. One way we can improve our ability to just be while walking is walk without a destination in mind. In this way we just allow our feet to guide us. We walk without an end destination in mind. This may be easier in park, beach, forest, or residential area. As we walk, we want to just move through space. Again, we can notice our surroundings, but we do not want to think too much about them. Let whatever we come across, just be what it is. Perhaps we walk by an oak tree. Notice that oak tree, acknowledge it, and move on with our walk. 

There is a lot of information available about breathwork. But if we are trying to just be, we should just let ourselves breathe naturally. We do not have to practice deep breathing in these moments. We can save that work for another time. If we are trying to just be, we should merely notice our breath and let ourselves breathe. 

Silence is often an uncomfortable place for those of us with mental illness. If we are trying to just be, we want to notice silence. We can listen for the silence between noises. In this way we are allowing silence to be a presence rather than an absence. If we can reach that point, we are closer to just being. We are also taking the focus off our thoughts and placing it on the silence. 

I read about another way to just be. The recommendation was to drop the narrator. It said to let the narrator gently fade away. This struck me as very difficult. My depression and anxiety fuel the narrator in my head. I can see the benefit of letting this narrator fade away. For me, I think some self-talk would be necessary to guide this narrator away. It likely will not be an easy task, but I can try. The potential benefits make it worth the effort. 

While looking for information on just being, I found a practice called “The Here, Now, This” Practice. It can be done in 30 seconds or stretched out longer. We can do this while sitting, while walking, or while lying in bed. There is no specified position. Our eyes can be open or closed. The first step is to silently say, “I am here.” We should feel where our bodies are. Notice any contact points, such as the floor, a chair, or a bed. Then we let that be enough. We are here. The second step is to silently say, “It is now.” Do not pay attention to a clock. We should let go of the past or the future. The key is to notice the exact moment we are in. Just the breath, the light, and the sound.  In this moment there is nothing else. We are in the now. The third step is to silently say, “This is what is happening.” There is no judgment, no good or bad. Let whatever is happening just be. It could be a thought, a noise, a mood, a tightness, or an ease. Acknowledge it and let it be. Remember that you do not need to fix or change anything. We are in the now.

For me the practice of just being is a work in progress. I am doing my best to make daily efforts to allow myself to just be. I am not always successful, but in the moments that I am, it is worth the effort. Give it a try. Allow yourself to just be, even if only for a moment. 

 

                  

Moving Forward

                 I am sitting here wondering what I will write about today. Coffee sits on the table next to my computer. My thoughts are slow today, likely a result of the esketamine treatment I just had. The slower thoughts are indication treatment is working. The anxious thoughts that often fill my mind are at peace right now. Depression is being held at bay. I do not feel the darkness. Colors, mostly purples and greens, filled my awareness as the esketamine did its work. I emerged from the dissociation calm and feeling lighter. The weight of my mental illness lifted. 

                  Over the last few decades depression and anxiety have ruled my life, but treatments like esketamine and transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), bring relief. It took so long to reach this point. For too long I took medications that did not help. Sometimes the medications would mask things, but they never brought me healing. Medications were ineffective at best. At times they likely did more harm than good, especially when I became over-reliant on a benzo. I should not say “over-reliant”. I should call it what it was, an addiction. It was an addiction that tore me down and left me unable to function properly. Now, I have emerged from the failures of medication. I have a mental health team that understands my illness and more importantly, my needs. 

                  Today I am different than I was a few years ago. The gratitude goes to my mental health team. They pulled me out of the darkness by thinking outside the box. No more ineffective medications. Therapy and alternative treatments lead me into healing. I am able to live with my mental illness. Depression and anxiety are a part of my life, but they no longer rule it. At moments like right now, I can think clearly. I can acknowledge the positives that are a part of my life even though there are still challenges I must face. 

                  While I do not fully understand the science behind it, somehow esketamine enables my brain to function without the darkness of depression. Before treatment I set an intention. It is an intention I have been using during most treatments recently. That intention is simply three words: “Let it go”. As I am waiting to start treatment I write these words in my journal. I add some particular things I want to let go. Then I read the words a few times before the esketamine allows me to drift into a pleasant dissociation. By doing this I have given my mind the intention it needs to process during this time. My mind can work and prepare me to me to let things go. When I begin to emerge from the dissociation the words are still there, reminding me that I need to let go of all that hinders my ability to live fully. 

                  Finding the right mental health treatment is a gift. I know that I have two treatments I can rely on, esketamine and TMS, which also works for me. Treatment allows me to function. It allows me to embrace life in a new way. I recognize that I have my challenges. Mental illness will always be around. Cancer is there, lurking in the recesses of my life. Despite the presence of these illnesses, I am living. Sure, I struggle at times. That is part of life. I am moving forward. I expect some changes as I heal. Some changes will be challenging. Others will be just what I need. Being open to new treatments has allowed me to grow. I hope others read this, and if these treatments are right for them, I hope they take a chance on them. 

Healing Waters

                  When my depression is heavy and/or my anxiety is high I often need an escape. I need to get away from the environment I am in and find an environment where I can find some bit of healing. A while back I shared that the forest can be that environment for me. (Forest Bathing) Today I want to explore another environment I find healing, the ocean.

                  Water can be soothing. Research suggests that the ocean can help with sensory restoration, mindfulness and presence, physiological relaxation, and increased physical activity. The sound of crashing waves is rhythmic. It can activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps calm the body and mind. I find this to be true. I do not need research to tell me the effects of ocean waves, although there is plenty of research out there. 

I listen to ocean waves on a sound machine as I am receiving esketamine treatment. The sound of the waves puts me in a more relaxed state, a state which I believe allows the esketamine to be more effective. I love to stand on the beach and listen to the waves. Even better than a sound machine is standing on a sandy beach and listening to and watching waves crash. There is something healing about this that I cannot explain. I just know I feel it. 

                  A marine biologist, Wallace J. Nichols, came up with the term “Blue Mind Effect”. It describes the mildly meditative state we enter when we are near water. This state is linked to reduced anxiety and improved focus. 

                  Being present is a key component of mindfulness, which has been shown to help with mental health conditions. People often feel more present when surrounded by water. As I think of times when water has been healing for me, I remember being more mindful and more present. The beach in Trinidad, CA, Oceanside, CA, and the ocean waters in Tropea, Italy all have brought me a sense calm. In those settings I can find a way to let go of some of what plagues my mind. I can allow the depression and anxiety to just be while I feel a sense of freedom from its clutches. Honestly, I do not understand how it works or why the ocean waters and sandy beaches are so soothing. They just are. I do not really need science to explain it to me. I will just take it at face value. I wish I could spend more time at the beach. Maybe I need to make more time for beach trips in my life. 

                  Back to some scientific thoughts. Water is linked to symbolic renewal. It can be seen as cleansing and renewing. As a result, people often find they can experience an emotional release or feelings of renewal when they are near water. In my experience this is true. One way I capture this is by writing in my journal. I love to sit on the beach and allow words to flow onto the pages of my journal. I find that I am often more poetic at these times. I can capture my emotions and feelings in words that flow as freely as the water. 

                  If I had it my way, I would live near the beach. I would walk on the sand allowing the water to flow over my bare feet every day. I would breathe in the salty air and exhale my depression and anxiety. 

                  Of course, I am not saying that water can heal mental health conditions on its own. All other treatments are still necessary, but water can be beneficial and is worth incorporating into our mental health toolkits. 

 

 

 

                  

Mental Illness’ Storm

                                    “Every storm runs out of rain.” – Maya Angelou

 

                  I have always found Maya Angelou to be inspiring. Her poem, And Still I Rise is one of my favorite poems. I always included it when I taught high school special education English classes. I discovered that my students could relate to her words, especially when I showed them a video of her reciting And Still I Rise. It was inspiring to watch them relate to the poem.

                  The above quote from Maya Angelou really strikes me as I consider my own mental health. The storm could represent my depression and anxiety. There are times when the darkness of depression’s storm is very thick. I am soaked by my depression and left dripping with the pain it causes. When I think of a storm, I see dark clouds and pouring rain. It feels dreary. Can you see the image of a storm? That is what depression is like. Depression and other mental illnesses are storms that run through our lives. 

                  Angelou’s statement indicates that storms do not last forever. The rain runs out. Does that happen with depression? I think it does. Even the deepest depression will lift at least somewhat at times. Usually, that lifting of the depression is a result of treatment. That treatment is different for each of us. For me only TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and esketamine lift my depression. These two treatments cause the storm to run out of rain. For others, it might be medication that lifts the storm. Others might find relief from ECT or psilocybin.

Whatever treatment works for us, we must trust in its ability to stop the rain. Angelou says, “Every storm runs out of rain.” Yes, depression lifts. It runs out of its force in our lives. That does not mean it doesn’t return. Storms come and go. Weather exists in patterns. The same is true for mental illness. Depression often has patterns. There are times when it pops up in our lives. For some of us it pops up more than others. I think Angelou is saying we need to believe that things will get better. We must believe that we can get through depression or other mental illnesses by relying on our treatment and support systems. This is not an easy task. When we are in the eye of the storm, it seems impossible to escape. The rain and the darkness are intense. At these times we feel trapped. We are soaked in the pain of the mental illness. If you have never experienced depression, think about being trapped in a storm. You are soaked and surrounded by darkness. You are lying in mud so thick that you cannot get up. Wind blows intensely around you. Can you feel it? Does this image let you know what depression and other mental illnesses are like? 

                  But anyone who has studied weather knows that Angelou is right. Storms run their course. They end. Depression can lift. It is difficult to get out of the storm, but it is possible. We need to trust our treatment. We need to trust our support systems. We need to trust the strength we carry within ourselves. It may not seem possible, but we possess the strength to allow mental illness to ease. Notice I didn’t say disappear. Depression and other mental health disorders are illnesses. So, they are not going to disappear just because a storm has passed, but they can ease up and allow us to heal. If we think about episodes of depression as a storm, we can understand that it will run its course. There will be an easing of symptoms. What we do with the times in between storms is important for our healing. We need to use this time to build our coping strategies and develop our support systems. That is how we make future storms easier to survive. This involves work. It is not easy to live with a mental illness. We can make it a little easier if we have something positive to focus on. That something could be Angelou’s quote. She gives us that reminder that storms end.

                  I am not trying to simplify living with mental illness. It sucks. That does not mean life is without hope. We can get through the storms. We can trust our treatment and support systems and heal. Remember: “Every storm runs out of rain.”

 

 

                  

 

 

 

Light from a Disco Ball

Dancing as a means of healing became important to me over the last year and a half. I have always thought of illness and healing in terms of darkness and light. Darkness has represented my battle with depression. While light represents times of healing. These images make sense to me. I am able to use them to describe what I live with in terms of depression. 

       About a year and a half ago another illness took over my life. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Darkness blanketed me. This time I did not know how to emerge from the darkness. I could not see a healing light. I thought I was going to die. This seemed ironic considering how often I have been plagued by suicidal ideation. Then I met an oncology nurse who changed things. In my first interaction with her she taught me something that gave me hope. It seems a little silly, but she said to beat cancer I had to dance. Then she did a little dance right there in the exam room. At first, I did not understand. Then I learned that she was a breast cancer survivor. She knew the care provider side as well as the patient side. Dancing became our connection. She would waltz into the room while I was hooked up to IV tubing and encourage me to dance in the chemo chair. At night when I felt like crap, overwhelmed by nausea and pain, I would hear her telling me to dance. Physically, I couldn’t get up and dance, but I would imagine myself dancing. Slowly, I would feel a little better. 

      What does dancing have to do with darkness and light? That’s where the disco ball comes into the picture. From the beginning I envisioned a disco ball when I tried to dance. I do not know why this image came to my mind, but I would picture a disco ball when I thought about dancing. A disco ball is made up of many broken pieces of glass. Together they create a ball of light. The disco ball connected my healing to light. Dancing was shining a light in the darkness of cancer. The light was with me just as it is in my battle with depression. It is the healing. 

       Illness, whether depression or cancer, shrouds me in darkness at times. Despite this darkness a healing light is present. Sometimes it is more difficult to see, but with a little hope the light is there. I find the light in different ways. Sometimes it is through writing. Other times it is by reaching out to my care team. Dancing also brings me healing even if it is just tapping my toes or moving my hips in the chemo chair during treatment. Healing requires me to reach for the light. It is important that we all reach for the light no matter what ails us. There is a light of healing waiting for us to reach out to it. 

 

Healing Brings Light

 Healing takes much time,

But brings with it a new light.

A light that shines bright.

 

                  As I have discussed in this blog many times, writing is healing for me. Sometimes I like to challenge myself with my writing. So, I have tried my hand at haikus. The above haiku is one I wrote the other day about healing. When I wrote it I was referring to healing from depression, but I think it applies to all types of healing.

                  I have been on a lifelong journey to find healing from depression and anxiety. It has not been easy. Healing takes effort. That can pose a problem when you live with depression and anxiety. Often, these illnesses steal my ability to exert the effort necessary to heal. Losing this ability makes it difficult to heal. I want to heal, but the depression tells me not to get out of bed. At times it tells me that it is not worth fighting for healing. Depression is a darkness with a loud voice. As depression tells me I cannot heal, it shrouds me in darkness. This darkness makes it impossible for me to heal on my own. Coping strategies are rendered useless as I sink further into the darkness. 

I need to reach out for help. I have found that help in therapy, work with my psychiatrist, TMS, and esketamine. These take time to work. Each requires me to tell the darkness that I want to heal. The effort required to engage in these treatments is difficult to summon, but I know I must try. I understand that healing takes time. Depression is not going to go away overnight. It has been a part of my life for too long. I trust that the treatments will bring me into the light of healing. That light will be bright. It will comfort me and provide hope. 

One thing I learned is that depression will always be a part of my life. It is just the way my brain is wired. Despite this I can experience times of light. This healing will last for different amounts of time. When the depression seeps back in, I need to remind myself that I have seen the light of healing. I need to remember that healing is possible. It has shined before and will again. I may need help remembering, but I have a mental health team who will remind me. 

What if you don’t have a mental health provider? How can you find help remembering that light exists? Maybe you can write reminders on a Post-it note and place in a place where you will see it each day. You can keep a journal and return to the where you have written during times of healing. Another strategy might be to ask a friend or family member to remind you when they see you slipping. You can join a support group through a mental health program. NAMI offers the Connections group to allow people living with mental illness to support each other in a safe environment. 

One of the things to remember is that the work doesn’t stop when the darkness of depression or other mental illnesses lifts. We must maintain the work when we are in times of healing. This will lay the groundwork for help when the darkness returns. In essence we are building a safety net with this work. It will allow us to return to the light when we are faced with darkness. 

I know I write a lot about darkness and light. These images allow me to understand my depression. It makes sense to me. I feel the darkness of depression and I have experienced the light of healing. I hope that others suffering from mental illness find hope in my description. We all have our own understanding of our mental illness. For me darkness and light describe depression and healing. I encourage others to find the image that works for them. If my image works for you, please use it. We all need to find whatever helps us heal. 

                  

One Day at a Time

                 When you live with a mental illness such as depression, there can be days when you feel alright and days when you struggle. I have times when I am doing well. Usually, those days are thanks to treatment with TMS or esketamine. Other days can be very difficult. Is it possible to balance these days?

                  When I am doing well or even on the days when I am doing just okay, I can recognize all that I have overcome. I am aware that I am winning my battle. It is a good feeling. During these times I have hope. I wish I could bottle this feeling and pour a little out on the bad days. During the times when the depression is darkening my world it easy to believe that the struggle is all there is. It is easy to forget about all I have accomplished in my battle with depression. I need reminders that there are better times. Fortunately, I have help. I have a support system in my mental health team who remind me that the struggles do not erase the progress I have made. When the depression takes a bad turn, I am fortunate to have these reminders. 

                  It is easy to forget about the positives. Depression darkens our world and allows the negatives to scream at us. Having a self-talk dialogue ready for these times can be helpful. The dialogue should be something positive, but not overly sappy. Something like, “I have gotten through 100% of the bad days.” I have seen this message on social media. It is a good reminder that depression hasn’t taken us. Bad days happen, but we get through them. Whether it is because we have a mental health provider who guides or because we have learned coping skills to ease us through the bad times, we have succeeded in fighting our depression. 

                  I think what it comes down to is living one day at a time. There are times when it is necessary to live one moment at a time. That is okay. We need to give ourselves grace. Just because one day or one moment isn’t going well doesn’t mean that the next will be bad. I know when you live with depression, so many moments seem unbearable. So often we feel numb and alone. It hurts. It feels like life is never going to get better. While it may be difficult, life does get better. There will be good times. It is difficult to remember those good times. It is difficult to remember what we have overcome, but it is necessary to keep these times in our memories. 

                  One way I am learning to remember that the light of healing returns even when life seems its darkest is to think of the analogy to night and day. Nighttime is dark, but in the morning the sun always rises. The same can be said for depression. Even at its darkest, the light of healing will come through at some point.

Letting the Light In

“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in” ― Leonard Cohen

 

                  As I was trying to decide what I would write today, I came across this quote. I have heard it before. When I think about it, this quote is powerful. For years I have described my depression as darkness and referred to healing as the light. My description fits with this quote. When everything about life seems difficult, when we are struggling with our mental health, we need a crack to let the light of healing into our lives.

                  Even when our worlds seem to be completely dark, there is a crack somewhere. We may not always see it, but it is there. Learning to look for that crack is not easy. After a lifetime of learning about my depression and reflecting on it, I still struggle at times. It is difficult to remember that the light exists. I have learned that the crack letting the light in takes different forms. 

The crack can be a thought or a song. It might be a something someone says. Maybe it is the literal light of a sunny day. The crack can be small. It can be something unexpected. At times we must do a bit of work to find that crack. Employing a coping skill is an example of doing work to find the crack.  Engaging in one of these skills often allows me to feel better. The crack might be finding the strength to reach out to my mental health team and allowing them to guide me through whatever the depression is causing me to feel. Reaching out is the crack. My mental health team brings light through that crack.

The cracks in our depression or whatever we are struggling with is going to be different for each of us. When we find the cracks, we need to allow that light to seep into our lives. The light may be faint, but it can also be bright. Whatever form it takes, we need to embrace the light. 

The quote reminds me of an artform I have mentioned before. (Beautifully Imperfect) Kintsugi is a Japanese art of repair. When a piece of pottery or porcelain is broken the cracks are repaired with gold. In kintsugi gold is the light seeping through the brokenness, which can be viewed as a darkness.  Our cracks can be filled with “gold”, a light of healing.

As 2025 begins I am going to try to focus on the light seeping through the cracks in my depression. At times I may not see the light, but I need to remind myself that it is there. I realize that at times this will be difficult. I may need to rely on my coping strategies or my mental health team at times. That is okay. They are a part of the light. I encourage you to look for the cracks letting light into your lives.

                  

                  

A Light in the Darkness of Depression

                 When depression first entered my life, I was in my early teens. I didn’t know what was happening or how to cope with it. Depression was just there, blanketing my entire life. A darkness spread over me. That darkness has been a part of my life ever since. It has been a long process, but I have learned to better cope with the darkness of depression. It is by no means easy. At times I really struggle. However, I now have an understanding I didn’t have all those years ago when my battle began. 

                  For me depression is a darkness. For most of my life that darkness was all I could see. Hope was missing from my life. I did not know how to find the holes in the darkness. I did not know how to let the light in. I wrote a lot about depression; created a metaphor in which depression was the darkness and light was the healing. This made sense to me. My metaphor gave a concreteness to my depression that I could explore. My poetry books Curative Quest and A Light Amidst the Darkness explore the darkness of depression and the light of healing. I found healing in writing the poems as it allowed me to name the depression and to visualize healing.  

                  In exploring the darkness of my depression, I have learned a lot. One thing I have discovered is that depression’s darkness is a shadow. At times the shadow only partially covers me. Other times it envelops me. Shadows cannot exist without light. This is a scientific fact. What does that mean for depression?  Through therapy, work with my mental health team, and writing I have discovered that since depression is a shadow, it cannot exist without the light of healing. Even when depression is at its darkest, there is still a light hidden in the shadows. That light is healing. It comes in different forms for each of us. The light might be a caring loved one who sits by your side. It might be a medication that lifts the depression. It could be a treatment, such as TMS, esketamine, or ECT. Therapy might be the source of the light. I have found light in my mental health team and the treatments I receive for my depression. Light exists in different places. We need to look for it. At times it will feel like all the lights have been extinguished, but there is still a flicker hiding somewhere. 

                  Writing has ushered the light of healing into my life. I have gained an understanding of my own darkness by writing about it. The written word has allowed me to connect with others who struggle. Writing has enabled me to better share my feelings with my mental health team. For me the light of healing is often found in writing. Where is it for you? Maybe it is in exercise, art, music, volunteering, or gardening. It could be hiding where you least expect it. But I believe it is there. I must believe in the light. If I didn’t darkness would extinguish me. 

                  It may seem like I am saying that finding the light of healing is easy. It is definitely not easy. It takes effort, which we often struggle with when the darkness of depression is strangling us. I believe the light is out there even if it is just a pinpoint. At times I need reminders that it is out there. It is okay if you need those reminders, too. Think of the night sky on a clear evening. Everything is dark, but stars twinkle on the black canvas. That is our depression. It is darkness, but there is a twinkling of stars. Eventually, the sun rises and there is light. The cycle of a day is strong metaphor for living with depression. There are times of darkness (night) and times of healing (day). When it is dark reach out for the stars and hold on to them. 

 

Contest:

I am looking to increase readers and engagement on my blog. If you comment on this post, you will be entered into a drawing. The winner will receive a copy of one of my poetry books (your choice between Curative Questand A Light Amidst the Darkness) and a $20 Barnes & Noble gift card. The drawing will be held on Saturday, July 27^th at 5:00 pm. Check back at 5:15 pm that day to see if you won. You need to include your name on your comment so that I can identify a winner.

Please share my blog with others who may benefit. 

 

Beautifully Imperfect

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That’s what connects us – that we’re all broken, all beautifully imperfect” – Emilio Estevez

 

                  A friend of mine shared this quote with me. It immediately struck me. What does it mean to be a “wonderful, beautiful wreck”? I think it means we are all human. None of us have it all perfectly together in life, but that is okay. Often, I blame my depression for the struggles I experience. This quote made me pause and wonder if my depression is solely at fault.  Maybe I struggle because I am human, and the depression is just an added difficulty. 

                  Being human means we can experience life with cognition. That cognition separates us from animals.  We can understand the joys and pains of life. Well, maybe not completely understand why they are happening, but we can understand that they do happen. Those pains are the broken parts of us. The pains are different for each of us. Every one of us experiences life differently. Still, we are beautiful in our humanness. 

                  We are connected in our brokenness. Each of us has experienced some type of struggle in our lives. The struggles vary in intensity, but we all struggle at times. Even the seemingly perfect lives we see on social media experience struggle. I think people spend too much time trying to connect to the good things we see in people’s lives, even though we are more connected in the struggle. The social media influencer who shows all their “perfect” moments isn’t sharing their struggles. Not every moment is perfect. If I took a picture of myself right now, I would look happy. I am in my favorite place writing. What you wouldn’t see in the picture are the thoughts created by depression and anxiety that are filling my head. The same is true of most social media posts depicting “perfect” lives. They give us a false image. Where are the posts showing our brokenness? That is what makes us human. In overcoming the brokenness, we demonstrate our beauty. 

                  So, often we try to connect to each other’s perfection. Where we are connected is in our brokenness. We are connected in our striving to be whole. Our imperfections make us who we are. I think about my depression. It is a negative, an imperfection. At the same time, it creates my worldview and makes me who I am. I am “beautifully imperfect”. I have struggles in life. It is in striving to overcome those imperfections that I create the life I was meant to live. 

                  I have been sharing my story of life with depression for many years now. When I first started sharing, I was afraid. I didn’t think people would understand. I thought I would be looked on with derision. I didn’t want to be pitied. I wanted to be understood. What I found through sharing my story is that I am connected to so many more people than I could have imagined. As I shared my story, people responded. People understood and told me they had similar experiences. It was the brokenness that connected us. But that brokenness turned out to be beautiful. We shared pain and in doing so found healing. 

                  Sharing my story has taught me that I am not alone. Depression and other mental illnesses impact the lives of many people. Each one of us is a “beautiful wreck”. It makes me think of the ancient Japanese art, kintsugi.  In this artform broken pottery is repaired using gold to fill the cracks. This creates a beautiful object. Even though the piece of pottery is broken, it can be put back together and become a work of art. This is true of our lives. When we work on healing, when we connect to others who are broken, we become “beautiful wrecks”.  Perhaps, there is nothing more beautiful. 

 

 Kintsugi

Connection

                  There are a lot of different treatments for depression and other mental illnesses. Some of these include therapy, medication, transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS), esketamine, and ECT. These can each be effective. Some work better than others depending on the individual. Each are important treatments. These treatments are not enough in isolation. The person providing the treatment is just as important as the treatment itself. It is the connection between patient and provider that dictates the full efficacy of the treatment. 

                  While I have had the same psychologist providing therapy for a very long time, I have had several psychiatrists over the years. I have a strong connection to my psychologist. That allows my therapy to be effective for me. It plays its role in my healing. For most of us therapy alone is not enough to defeat depression. That is where psychiatrists enter treatment. Part of the psychiatrist’s role is to prescribe medication that will work in concert with the therapy. I first saw a psychiatrist over 20 years ago. Since then, I have seen several different ones. Something was always missing. It wasn’t until I started seeing my current psychiatrist, who I have been seeing for several years now, that I understood that there must be a connection between patient and psychiatrist. That connection makes a huge difference.

                  What do I mean by connection? It is the relationship between provider and patient The psychiatrist needs to listen to what is being said by the patient. Out of all the previous psychiatrists I saw only one listened. I only saw him for a short time because he moved away. His listening started a connection, but it wasn’t enough. It begins with listening, but there also needs to be a sense of interest in the patient’s care. I never felt like my previous psychiatrists saw me. Some of them never looked up from their computer or prescription pad. How can you know what a patient needs if you don’t look them in the eye? It was always a refill or a new prescription and see you next month.

                  Connection was missing. Whether it is a therapist/psychologist or psychiatrist there needs to be connection. What is connection? It is the sense that both sides are invested in what is being discussed. Connection drives the patient/provider interaction. It allows the interaction to be beneficial and lead to healing. 

The same connection is needed for other treatments. My experiences with TMS and esketamine were enhanced because of the connection between the psychiatric nurse practitioner providing the treatment and me. The trust that builds up makes the treatment even more effective. It is a part of human nature to seek out connection. Without that connection, treatment cannot be truly successful.

It is often difficult to trust others when you live with depression or other mental illnesses. Connection does not develop easily. We become used to the lack of understanding that surrounds our illnesses. We know the ridicule all too well. That makes it difficult for us to reach out or to trust. We need connection, but we fear the lack of understanding that we are often met with instead of connection. 

I believe that I would not have found the healing I have found if it were not for the connection I have with my mental health team. Being connected to them allows me to trust in their care. It allows me to share whatever I need to discuss and know that it will be met with openness and genuine understanding. 

I don’t know what training programs for mental health providers consist of, but I hope it includes instruction on how to develop connection with patients. Most of the providers I saw who I did not connect with were older. Maybe training programs are improving. I would like to share my experience with and understanding of connection with mental health providers so that those coming into the profession understand what is needed. I share my stories here in the hopes that they are read by those who can make a difference. My blog has a small audience right now, but I hope to grow it. I hope people will share my posts and that more people will understand mental health. I’ll continue to write. I will continue to be a voice in the hopes that it helps those with mental illness as well as those who provide care for us.

 

                  

                  

Letting the Light In

“We are all broken…that’s how the light gets in.” – Ernest Hemingway

 

                  The other day I saw this quote posted on a Giving Voice to Depression  social media page. I have heard this quote many times. It has always given me reason to think. It relates well to my view of depression and the ways I have expressed depression and healing in my writing. 

                  Depression is a darkness. It fills our lives with shades we cannot see through. Darkness has long represented how I feel when the depression is heavy. I have written many poems with the theme of darkness. I understand the darkness. I have lived within its shadows for so long. Darkness represents my brokenness. It is a brokenness that people who live with depression know all too well. 

                  Brokenness can be a symbol for the struggle in the dark that a person suffering with depression lives with. In a sense our life is broken. I think that is another way of referring to the illness that is depression. Depression breaks down what is considered a normal thought process. However, I’m not sure I would agree that there is a normal thought process. We each think differently. For some of us those thoughts turn dark. These thoughts turn in on us and leave us in pain. It can literally feel like we are in the dark. 

When we are in the darkness, it seems as if we will never see the light of healing. I have always expressed healing as a light in my writing and in my thoughts. When healing occurs, it is as if light is breaking through the darkness. Sometimes the light peeks through a crack. That is a small moment of healing, a brief reprieve from the darkness. At other times the light can burst through the darkness. I have experienced that with both TMS treatment and esketamine treatment. The burst of light is a shattering of the darkness, a lifting of the depression. 

I believe we experience light in varying degrees at different times in our lives. Extreme darkness, those times when suicidal thoughts are strongest, makes it seem impossible to experience the light of healing. Our thoughts tell us there is no light. It is in these times that we must hold on to the aspects of healing that are present in our lives. It may be a mental health professional, a friend or loved one, or a treatment. Holding on to whichever it is, allows light to break into our lives. By the very fact that we are broken, we have cracks to let the light in.  We just find it difficult to see this. It is difficult to understand how light can reach us when we are in the depths of darkness. 

I believe the light is there even when we struggle to see its presence. I need to believe this. If I didn’t, I would be completely without hope. Often, I need assistance remembering that the light is out there. That is okay. We shouldn’t face the darkness of depression alone, which is why conversations about depression are so important. As Glenn Close said, “What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”

Darkness is going to be present with depression. The goal is to find ways to allow the light in. This can be a Herculean task. Don’t embark on this task on your own. Even if you are alone, reach out to someone. Reach into the light that is seeping through the cracks in your depression. The cracks are there. Everything that is broken has cracks. Some we can see, others we can’t. Those cracks allow the light in. The light can be a therapist or psychiatrist, a medication, a support group, a non-traditional treatment, or loved one. Find your cracks. Be open to allowing the light in even in your darkest moments. Depression is deep darkness, but the light of healing can seep in. 

At the beginning of this post, I mentioned Giving Voice to Depression. This podcast can be another source of light. I have found light in listening to the stories shared on this podcast and I would encourage you to check it out.