How to Support Someone with Depression: The Power of Listening Without Judgment

         I recently read a sentence on social media (Fred’s Fighters) that I feel gets right to the heart of what it means to support someone with mental illness. 

One of the greatest gifts we can give another person is our presence.

                  Let that sit for a moment. To help someone who is struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, we can support them by simply being present. The “being there” matters more than what you say or even do. How do we do this? How do we allow ourselves to just be present for someone else? 

First, we need to recognize that we do not and cannot fix everything for the person who is struggling. This may look like just sitting next to the person and listening without interrupting. With that in mind, we need to listen to the person without trying to fix them. As a person living with depression and anxiety, there are times when I would like someone to just listen to me. In these moments I am not looking for answers or a fix to the depression and anxiety. I just want to be heard. I want what I am experiencing to be recognized. Sometimes just knowing a friend or family member is with me is enough to build that feeling of safety that I need to work through the depression and anxiety.

I see this modeled by my mental health providers when they listen without interrupting. They allow me to express what I am feeling or thinking before they speak. They allow moments of silence. These can be important because it allows processing time. When there can be silence and we still know we are not alone, it means the other person is really present for us. Of course, mental health professional needs to interrupt the silence and offer support and intervention, but they model being truly present. We can learn from this.

Being present for another person means believing the person without questioning. This is where we remove judgement. If a person says something like “life doesn’t seem worth living”, do not judge them. This is a real feeling, a real experience. Instead, being present means listening to what the person has to say. We need to give the person our full attention. We can reflect on what they are saying. We might say something like, “It sounds like you are carrying a lot.” This lets the person know that are hearing that they are struggling or that things are difficult for them. Avoid phrasing it like a question. Someone who is really listening reflects on what the other person is saying without questioning or judging..

When we are being present, we also want to validate the other person’s words and feelings. As we listen, we might say, “That sounds very difficult” or “I can see why you feel that way.” We can validate without judging. It is important to let the person know we believe their thoughts and feelings are real. Being present means hearing what the other person is saying and then letting them know you are really hearing them and not judging them. This requires us to sit and just listen first. Give the person the time they need to express what they are experiencing. That is being present. As we validate someone’s thoughts or feelings, it is important that we do not minimize those thoughts. The feelings and thoughts are real. They feel heavy to the person. That heaviness should be respected, not minimized.

What about support? How do we support the person as we are being present?  First, we should offer support without taking over. We can do this by saying something like, “How can I support you right now?” or “What would be most helpful from me right now?” It is important to let the person have control over the support they are given. This means respecting that they know what type of support they need in the moment.

What if the person seems hopeless or is expressing a desire to hurt themselves or take their life? This is where being present means ensuring the person is connected to mental health professionals. One way to do this is to ask the person if there is away for them to contact their mental health professionals. Encourage them to reach out to trusted mental health professionals. If the person is in danger or if you think they are going to follow through on thoughts of self-harm or suicide, help them contact emergency services. This might be the 988 lifeline or 911. Always stay present with this person if they are in danger of harming themselves. Maintain the aspects of being present discussed above and keep the person safe until they can receive support from mental health or emergency professionals. 

When we are being present for a person with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness, it is important to remember that we do not need to have all the answers. We want to allow the person to feel heard, respected, and accepted while they are experiencing depression, anxiety, or other manifestations of mental illness. Being present for another person is a gift. On the surface it may sound like a difficult thing to do, but it really comes down to being kind. It is treating another person the way we would want to be treated. We can be present for each other if we let go of preconceived notions and accept the other person for who they are. This means letting go of judgement and replacing it with openness. None of us are going to be perfect at this, but the more we try, the better we will be at being present for others. Think about what a gift it is to simply be present with another. 

 

 

I Am Here

                  The other day I was listening to music, which is one of my coping strategies. Music has the power to lift me up when I am struggling with depression and anxiety. Usually I listen to classic rock, but sometimes I venture into other genres. I was listening to P!nk and her song I Am Here struck me. I felt the words. It made me ponder where I am and why I am here. Why has my journey landed me where it has? Why am I in different places on my journey at different times? 

                  I am here to say that living with depression, or any mental illness, sucks. Often, there is a sense of finality to it; a sense that we will not be able to overcome our mental illness. Can you imagine living with that? Do you live with this same sense? I am here to share a bit about depression.

                  Depression ebbs and flows. There are ups and downs. These are difficult to navigate. We try to hold onto the times when we feel better, but sometimes we are sent crashing down without warning. We plummet into the darkness. Other times it is a slow slide into the darkness. Both experiences are hard. I am here to say that I live these ebbs and flows. It is part of having a mental illness., but I believe we can live with depression. We just need the right supports.

                  Many of my posts have shared supports that can help us live with depression and other mental illnesses. There are mental health professionals who lead us into healing. Finding the right psychiatrist, psychologist, psychiatric nurse practitioner, therapist, counselor, or support group leader makes a significant difference in our healing journey. I am here to say that without my mental health team, I would be drowning in the darkness of my illness. Supports might include medications. It likely includes therapy. There are non-traditional treatments such as TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) and esketamine. There are support groups led by members of groups such as NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). We also have our individual coping strategies. These might include breathing exercises, journaling, yoga, exercise, music, art, and various other activities that we find useful. You can look back over my previous posts to learn more about many of these supports.

                  I researched the meaning of P!nk’s song, I Am Here. It is intended to be about living in the present moment. It is about self-acceptance and resilience. The song encourages listeners to be present even in the face of life’s challenges. I do not know P!nk’s reasons for writing this song, but I feel her talking to me. Living with mental illness is a challenge. Depression makes life difficult. Maybe we can draw from the idea behind this song. We can learn to say, “I am here” in the face of mental illness. It may tear us down, but we are here. We are still standing. If we remind ourselves that despite the efforts of mental illness to tear us down, we are still here. 

                  I am here to say that mental illness is a journey. We live the journey each day. We cannot hide from it. Healing exists. That healing feels good. It should be our goal to remain in the times of healing. When we do not feel that healing, we need to remind ourselves that we are here. We need only keep showing up. Whatever way we can show up is okay. The important part is making the effort to be present in our lives. That is how we fight mental illness. We say, I am here.

                  No matter where we are on our mental health journey, we can say, “I am here.” Everywhere on our journeys is important. Every place has value. We may be struggling, but we are still present on our journey and that place has value. We have just as much value when we are struggling as we do when we are experiencing healing. Hold onto that belief. We can be present wherever we are on our journeys. 

                  If you are reading this and do not live with mental illness, first I thank you for having the interest in reading about mental illness. Maybe you know or love someone with mental illness. Maybe you work with people with mental illness. I encourage you to say “I am here” as well. Being present has value for all of us. When we acknowledge we are present in our lives, we find the strength to live life to the fullest. When we say “I am here” we are letting others know that our experiences matter. We are here for each. 

This blog is my way of standing up and saying “I am here” for myself and for all those who battle mental illness or any battle.

 

Check back Thursday for part 3 in my series: Debunking Common Depression Myths

Being Present

           I am not feeling well.  My mood has dropped.  Since writing is healing for me, I decided to try writing a post.  Maybe it will lift my mood.  At the very least it will occupy my mind and hush the voice of depression for a bit.

            Sometimes I am asked how to help someone who is struggling with depression.  That question has several answers.  It really depends on the individual.  I will share one way others have helped me.  

            One thing I have found others can do to be helpful when I am struggling to just be present.  I don’t need someone to give me advice or to tell me I am okay.  That actually doesn’t help because depression causes my mind to argue with those sentiments.  What helps me the most is when someone just sits with me and is present.  They don’t really have to say anything in particular.  Just knowing I am not alone is helpful.  

            What does being present mean?  It is simple really.  Maybe we just sit in the same space and watch a television show or listen to music.  It can be doing a craft together.  Being preset might be taking a walk with me.  Words don’t need to be exchanged.  Just knowing someone cares enough to be with me is often enough.  It doesn’t make the depression go away, but it tames it a bit.  

            It can even be a chat on the phone about something totally different than my depression.  The conversation serves as a distraction.  It won’t make the depression go away, but it will temporarily distract my thoughts.  Text messages can also serve this purpose.  

            For me having someone be present doesn’t always require a person.  This may sound strange, but sometimes when I need someone to be present, I turn on “The Big Bang Theory”.  I know it is just a television show.  I have watched it so many times that the characters seem like friends to me.  I can escape into their world.  Yes, they are just fictional characters, but when I am looking for the presence of others, often these characters on the television screen are a substitute for real people.  They don’t require me to respond.  They distract me and help me think about something other than what the depression is saying.

            I don’t mean to say that a television show can replace human contact.  It can’t. I do, however, think fictional characters can serve as a substitute at times.  Some people find this substitute through television shows or movies.  Others find it in a book. What is needed is that sense that you are not alone. 

            Depression is often a very lonely illness.  It is difficult to reach out.  If you know someone who struggles with depression, I encourage you to try just being present with them.  When they are doing better, ask them what they find helpful.  Don’t be afraid to have that conversation.  Many of us with depression are so used to people not acknowledging our depression that we are hesitant to tell others what helps us.  We have learned not to talk about our depression.  Be the loved one or friend who changes that.  Start the conversation.  

            If you are struggling with depression, try taking the risk to tell someone what they can do to help you.  It is scary.  I definitely understand that.  It took me decades to be able to reach out.  If you can, start by role playing it with your therapist or in a support group.  Reaching out is not easy, but asking someone to be present can make a difference.  Set an intention for yourself.  It could be that you are going to reach out to one person and share one aspect of your depression.  Reaching out happens when we take small steps.  It doesn’t have to happen all at once.  Choose who you reach out.  Explain to them what you need.  If just being present is what you need, let someone try to be present for you.  

            I know that I need to improve the way I let others be present for me.  It is a work in progress.  As I have stated in previous posts, my intention for 2024 is to allow myself to heal both physically and mentally.  Letting others be present for me is part of that.  So, I will work on it, and I encourage others to work on it as well.