How to Deal With Negative Thoughts When You’re Living With Depression: 9 Strategies That Can Help

                  Living with depression is difficult for many reasons. It is never easy. One difficult aspect of depression is the disparaging thoughts in our minds. I have fought these thoughts most of my life. It has taken a lot of work, but I have learned some strategies to push back on these thoughts. These strategies are not foolproof, but they have helped me navigate life with depression.

                  I would like to share some of these strategies. I do not use all of them. If you are living with depression’s disparaging thoughts, try the strategies that seem like they might work for you. Keep the others in the back of your mind. 

                  One important thing to remember is that we cannot force the disparaging thoughts to disappear. Our goal should be to create distance between ourselves and the thoughts. We also want to change the way we respond to the disparaging thoughts. 

Strategies for Approaching Disparaging Thoughts

·      Name the thought instead of accepting it – Let’s say a thought is telling us we are worthless. Instead of accepting that thought, try telling yourself “I am having a thought that I am worthless. By doing this we are shifting our thought process and allowing ourselves to remember that our mind is producing a thought, not giving a fact.

·      Ask yourself if you would say this to someone you love – Usually when we are having disparaging thoughts, they are thoughts we would never say to a loved one. It is important that we recognize this. When a thought enters our mind, we can ask ourselves if we would say that to someone we cared about. If the answer is no, then we need to tell the thought that it is hurtful and not something we are going to hold on to.

·      Look for depressions go-to words – There are words that the disparaging thoughts controlled by depression frequently throw at us. These words include always, never, everyone, nobody, worthless, failure, hopeless, and should. These words are a clear indication that depression is lying to us. When we hear these words in our thoughts, we can tell depression that we know it is lying to us. Those words carry absolutes, which are never true. When a thought is told in an absolute, it is lying. 

·      Don’t argue with every thought – Depression throws a lot of thoughts at us. We cannot possibly fight back with every thought. Sometimes we just need to say something like, “I know depression is talking to me at the moment, but I do not need to deal with that thought right now.” 

·      Be more neutral in your response to a disparaging thought – We do not have to respond with positivity to every thought. Being overly positive can take strength that we just do not have when we are struggling with depression. We might tell ourselves something like, “I am struggling right now, but struggling does not determine my worth.” 

·      Come back to the present and your body – It might be helpful to try to break out of the disparaging thoughts physically. Try one or more of these: take slow breaths, put your feet on the ground, notice five things around you, take a shower, step outside, or hold something cold. These are little things that might be enough to break us out of the thought pattern.

·      Write the thought down – After you have written it, try writing the answers to these questions: what happened, what are you telling yourself it means, what evidence supports this interpretation, what evidence doesn’t support it, and what would be a fairer interpretation. 

·      Give yourself permission to postpone judgement – There is a simple sentence we can repeat to ourselves that can be powerful. Try saying: “I don’t need to decide what my life means while I am in the middle of a depressive episode.” This allows us to step away from the disparaging thought.

·      Stay connected to the people in your life – Depression has the ability of grabbing us and pulling us into its lair. If we can reach out to someone in our life who cares about us or who can be supportive, they can help us see the world outside of depression. 

 

I think one of the important things to remember is that we are not likely to rid ourselves of every disparaging thought depression wants to hurl at us. We can soften the blows by using these strategies. It is important to notice the thoughts and realize that they are just thoughts. They are not reality. By noticing disparaging thoughts and allowing ourselves to step away from them by using the above strategies, we take back some of the control depression hold over us. We will not be perfect at this overnight. I know I still struggle and need reminders. That is okay. We are human and being human means we will struggle with some things.

One thing that might help is to copy the strategies that you find most useful. Keep the list in an easily accessible place. Reach for it when the disparaging thoughts start to surface in your mind. Another Idea might be to share the strategies that help you with a friend or loved one who you can turn to when you are struggling. They can remind you to use a strategy from your list.

Depression is not easy to live with. Even with treatment there can be difficult times. With some work, we gain the upper hand. Noticing disparaging thoughts for the lies that they are is a first step. Find the strategies that work for you. If you have other strategies, please share them in the comments so that we all can benefit.

Lastly, if you are struggling to the point where none of these strategies work, reach out to a mental health provider for help. You can always contact the 988 Lifeline for assistance and connection to help. If you are in immediate danger, please call 911 or go the nearest emergency room.

 

Being Good to Yourself

“If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”                               – Maya Angelou

                  As the year nears an end, I think it is important to consider how we treat ourselves. So, I often I find myself beating myself up. It is easy for me to get down on myself. In my head I criticize myself. I know I am not alone. Part of it stems from my depression. I understand that. Depression traps me into feeling bad. I see the negatives to the exclusion of the positives. Depression clouds my view of myself. It is a part of the illness. Still, I know I should be kinder to myself.

                  How do others treat themselves with kindness? How can I learn to treat myself better? First, when the negative thoughts start, I need to remind myself that I cannot allow my depression to control my thoughts. Depression has a voice, but I do not need to echo that voice. It is not easy to remember this. I spend a lot of time reminding myself to be good to myself. Sometimes it works. Other times, it does not. 

                  One way I think I can work on being good to myself is by developing self-talk scripts. These scripts should include kind words and words of encouragement. An example might be “Today was rough, but one good thing that happened was _________.” I could also say, “I am feeling frustrated today. It is okay to feel frustrated. Frustration is a normal feeling.” Another thing I could say is “There are a lot of wonderful things about me. I need to think about one of those, not what my depression is telling me.”  Self-talk scripts are short sentences that we can use to encourage ourselves when the negative messages start running on repeat in our heads. It might help to have them written some place we can easily refer to them. These sentences should be unique to yourself. Although, I guess a Google search might bring up more examples.

                  Another strategy that works for me is journaling. Sometimes what I am writing starts out negative. I allow the negative thoughts to spill onto the page. Once the thoughts  are out of my head and on the page, I can then start focusing on writing kinder things about myself and to myself. I know writing is not helpful for everyone, but I wanted to share something that has worked for me. 

                  Another way of being good to yourself is to do things you enjoy. When you are getting down on yourself, try doing an activity you enjoy. Maybe it is exercising or creating art. Maybe it is listening to music whether it is on a device or live. You might enjoy gardening or woodworking. Find something that you enjoy doing and when you start hearing yourself say negative things engage in that enjoyable activity. What starts out as a distraction will lead you to feeling better about yourself. I have found that for me writing, reading, and creating art help me find enjoyment and as a result feel like being kinder to myself.

                  Now, these strategies do not make the depression go away completely. They are a way of coping with a negative effect of depression. We all need coping strategies at some point in our lives. Even the person who seems the most put together likely has negative self-thoughts at times. No one can escape them completely. The key is to remember that we deserve kindness from not just others, but from ourselves. As the quote from Maya Angelou infers, kindness starts from within. 

 

 

 

 

Talking Back to Depression

                  Depression brings with it many difficulties.  One difficulty that can be particularly troublesome is negative thoughts.  I have struggled with negative thoughts my whole life.  The depression takes control, and it tells me things that are either not true or are overexaggerated.  These negative thoughts can easily take control and put me in a tailspin.  The tailspin can lead to suicidal thoughts, which then puts me in crisis.  I know I am not alone in this process.  People with depression struggle with negative thought patterns.  We need strategies to stop these thoughts.  

                  Over the years I have had a lot of help learning how to tell the thoughts to stop or to talk back to the thoughts.  Therapy has played a key role in teaching me these strategies.  I have learned these strategies from each of the members of my mental health team.  I am not perfect at using them.  Knowing the strategies is not enough.  They must be utilized in time to avoid a downward spiral.  I would like to share some of the ways I talk back to the negative, depression-fueled thoughts.  I would caution you that this is just what I have tried.  Sometimes I still struggle with it.  Depression is an illness.  It doesn’t just go away because we tell it to or because we want it to.  It requires constant effort.  Sometimes there will be failure.  That is okay.  As with any illness, depression requires constant care.  If one of these phrases doesn’t work, try another.  Remember there will be times when you need to reach for support either from loved ones or mental health professionals.  That is okay.  I can’t stress this enough.  It is okay to reach out when you are struggling.  

                  My go-to word when I notice the negative thoughts is simply, “stop”.  I say it in my head.  I try to tell the thought to stop.  I don’t try to argue with it or persuade it to be different.  I simply say “stop”.  This is an interruption strategy.  I am trying to interrupt the negative thought to get it to stop.  This is most effective if I catch the thought early.  When this works, I then try to replace the thought with something more positive or at least something neutral.  

                  The single word “stop” is sometimes not enough.   This is when I try to tell my thoughts that I know it is the depression talking and I am not going to listen.  This is a little harder than just saying “stop”.  I find myself saying something like, “I hear you telling me that life isn’t worth it, but I am not going to listen this time.”  I usually need to repeat it a few times to get the message across.  Sometimes I pair it with the word “stop.”  I may repeat that I am not listening.  At times I say, “Depression, I know you are trying to take control, but I am not going to allow that to happen.”  This is by no means easy.  It is often frustrating.  The voice of depression is loud.  It is also strong.  

                  Another phrase I use in my head is “Hey, Depression, I know you want control, but I can’t let you have control.  This is my life.”  I know it sounds strange to have conversations in my head. I am not talking out loud.  These are my thoughts talking back to the depression in my head.  It is a strategy that can be employed when the thoughts get strong.

                  When these phrases don’t work, I try writing.  If I can write my thoughts in my journal or on my computer, I can give them a sense of control.  I can also get the negative thoughts out of my head and make them concrete.  Sometimes just getting them out on paper is enough for me.  Other times I need to share what I have written with someone.  I usually share these written thoughts with one of the members of my mental health team.  If this strategy sounds good to you, know that you could also share your written words with a trusted loved one.  However, if the thoughts turn suicidal, I would recommend reaching out to a mental health professional.

                  There are times when talking back and writing are not enough.  Remember, depression is an illness.  It can vary in its strength from day to day or even moment to moment.  Another strategy I try is distraction.  For me music is a solid distractor.  When I am listening to music to distract myself from depression’s voice, I focus on listening to the lyrics.  Usually, I choose songs that I know resonate with me.  If I can get my mind to focus on the words of the song, those words can replace the thoughts in my head.  When I use this strategy, I like to lie in bed and close my eyes.  Other times I listen to the music while walking in my neighborhood.  I only do this when I feel safe enough to leave my house.  If the thoughts are too overwhelming or they are getting into that suicidal territory, I prefer to keep myself in my bedroom, where I have established a safe zone.  

                  Depression is often a solitary illness.  There is a lot of aloneness to it.  Despite this, it is important to remember that depression cannot be defeated alone.  So, when the thoughts get to be too much for me to handle on my own, I know I need to reach out.  For example, if I am having thoughts of hurting myself and they don’t respond to my initial attempt to stop them, I know I need help.  It is at this point that I will call my psychologist and leave him a voicemail, which I know he will receive because we have talked about this as a safety plan.  Depending on your situation, you might want to reach out to your mental health provider, a loved one, or to the 988 helpline. If the person you plan to reach out to is a loved one, you should create a plan in advance that lets the person know how to respond.  A simple safety plan might include what that person should ask you or say to you and who he or she should contact if necessary.  The plan should also include an explanation of when the person needs to reach out for professional help.  I have a plan and have shared it with the people in my life, who I would reach out to in if the self-harm or suicidal thoughts are in control.  

Reaching out is a sign of strength.  It took me a long time to realize that.  It is a lesson I needed to learn.  Often when we suffer with depression, we believe no one else understands.  To some extent it is true that people who don’t live with depression don’t understand, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to understand or that they aren’t willing to help.  That is perhaps one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in recent years.  Even in our darkest moment, those moments where the depression has taken complete control, there are ways to get help.  I encourage you to make plans for these times when you are not in the midst of depression’s stranglehold.  Discuss it with someone when you are in a place where things aren’t as bad.  This will allow you to have a plan for those darkest moments.  On the other side of the darkness, you will be glad you had a plan. 

Living with the thoughts depression creates is never going to be easy.  We need to make plans.  Think of it as a prescription for living with depression.  Not all prescriptions are for medication.  Knowing how to talk to depression and how to reach out are important parts of our treatment.  You might need to practice talking back to your thoughts with a mental health professional.  That is okay.  It is normal.  Your provider will understand and will help you.  Don’t allow depression to gain complete control.  Make a plan for dealing with the varying stages of the illness.  Ask for help.  Depression is an awful illness, but we can fight back.

I will leave you with this thought.  Depression is an awful illness, but it is one we can fight when we make plans and have strategies for dealing with it.  I encourage you to talk to your loved ones and mental health professionals about how you will talk back to depression and how you will reach out when necessary.