The Impact of Depression on Self-Esteem

            It is difficult to live in a world of darkness without it affecting your self-esteem. As I have mentioned, I have lived with depression since I was 14 years old.  During a time when I should have been discovering myself, learning my likes and dislikes, developing my talents and interests, depression was telling me that my life wasn’t worth living.  This prevented those things from happening.  I did not have the opportunity to build confidence or self-esteem.  Instead, I saw everything through the dark lens of depression. My mind focused on the negatives I felt.  It focused on the pain.  My mind didn’t experience happiness.  That set the stage for life moving forward.

            Self-esteem is defined as “confidence in one’s own worth and abilities”. (Oxford Languages and Google) As a person with depression, I struggle to believe in my own worth.  The messages in my mind tell me that I am not worth anything and that life is not worth living.  It makes sense that developing self-esteem would be near impossible with my mind being filled with these messages. As a result, I struggle with self-esteem.  I can understand that I have developed skills in my profession, but it is hard for me to take ownership of them.  

            It is hard to believe in myself when my mind is telling me all that I can’t do.  Depression prevents me from wanting to engage in life, dragging every aspect of my life down.  How do you tell yourself that you are good at something when you are just going through the motions?  Life becomes just an attempt to get by.  There is no real enjoyment.  

            I know I am not alone in this.  Depression steals self-esteem.  It prevents self-esteem from developing.  You can see it in the way a person with depression interacts with the world.  There is a lack of hope in our interactions that reflects our inner thoughts.  That lack of hope is a result of not having a belief in our own worth.  We have heard the negative in our minds for so long that self-esteem escapes us.

            So, how can we develop self-esteem.  For me, I have even struggled to believe that I have the capability of healing.  My mind has told me that I cannot do the things necessary to heal.  To battle this, I have had to hang onto the hope of my team.  I have had to let others hope for me.  It has helped.  But what else can we do?  How do we develop self-esteem when the depression is so loud?

            For starters, the steps must be simple.  People with depression are often not able to make big changes quickly.  We also must remember that there will be setbacks.  Here are a few things we can try:

·      Visualize: Try closing your eyes and bringing up an image of doing something well.

·      Journal: Write down what you are thinking. Try a two-way journal entry – write the negative thoughts you are having and then write a response to those thoughts from the perspective of someone who believes in you.  Maybe use words you have heard your therapist or psychiatrist use.

·      Self-Talk/Talk Back: When a thought tells you that you are not good at something, give it a little backtalk.  Say, “You are wrong. I can do that.”  This isn’t easy, but it is worth practicing.

·      Use affirmations: Find affirmations that help you and put them in places you will read them. Try memorizing a few.

·      Set realistic goals: Work with a psychologist, therapist, or trusted friend to set achievable goals for yourself.  

 

            As I write these strategies, I realize you might be thinking what I would think if I read them: “That’s too much for me.”  Trying all of them is overwhelming.  Even attempting one is going to take work and determination.  You might find you need help.  I know I have needed help.  I have leaned on my care team and on friends to help me.  To do this, especially with friends or family members, you must be clear in stating what you need.  If one strategy doesn’t work, don’t give up.  Try another strategy.  Ask your therapist or other trusted person for other ideas.  I have only listed a few.  If you have another idea, put it in the comments.  You might have the perfect idea to help someone else. 

            Developing self-esteem when suffering from depression is not easy.  It is a battle.  But it is a battle worth fighting. 

             Check back on Monday, July 17 for a new post.

Helpful Words to Say to Someone with Depression

            In my last post I discussed things people with depression are told to do that we just can’t do.  These well-meant words just aren’t helpful.  That leaves the question, “What helpful things can be said to someone with depression?”  First, we must understand that everyone with depression is different.  We are going to respond to different words, but there are some common things that can be helpful.  It is important to remember to be sincere.  Let the person know you care and are interested in understanding how he or she feels.  

            Let’s start out with a list of some phrases that may be helpful:

 

·      “I’m here for you.”

·      “You are not alone.”

·      “I care even if I don’t understand.”

·      “Would you like me to sit with you?”

·      “I can listen if you would like to talk.”

·      “What can I do for you?”

·      “Let me know what you need.”

·      “I’m always here even if you don’t want to talk.  We can just sit.”

·      “I can’t imagine how you feel, but I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”

·      “Do you want to talk about it?’

·      “It’s okay to feel the way you are feeling.”

 

            Words such as these let the person know that you are there for them.  These phrases emphasize that you value how the person is feeling and that you care.  When you speak in this way you are letting the person with depression know that their feelings and their illness are valid.  That is key.  Don’t give the person “feel good” platitudes, like “cheer up.”  We see right through those.  As a person with depression, I would you rather you be honest and say that you are trying to understand than have you tell me everything will be fine.

            It is okay if you don’t understand depression.  It is okay if you don’t have the words to make me feel better.  I don’t expect you to understand or to make me feel better.  You wouldn’t be able to cure a friend’s cancer.  The same is true of depression.  Just sit with me.  Let me know that you care.  Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone with depression is to just be there.  Depression is a lonely illness.  Having you sit by my side can comfort me a little.  It lets me know you care.  

            Asking me what I need lets me know that you honor my understanding of my illness.  As you spend time with me, I am likely to share some of my coping strategies with you.  Then, in time, you will be able to remind me to try one of those when I am struggling.  I am more likely to trust you with my feelings and listen to your suggestions, if I know you are listening to me.  

            Sometimes, just being with a person with depression is enough.  We need to know others see our illness as real.  We need to know that we are valued despite our illness.  Knowing we will not be abandoned and knowing we do not need to hide our illness allow us to open up to you.  It also goes a long way in helping us heal.

 

Be sure to check back for my next post on Thursday, July, 13^th.

Things a Person with Depression Can’t Do

            Those of us with depression are capable of doing more than we think.  We have an inner strength that enables us to live with this debilitating illness.  The fact that you are reading this post, the fact that I am writing it, both take strength.  There are many things it is not easy to do with depression, but we do them. 

            There are things we can’t do.  Unfortunately, these are things we are often told to do by well-meaning people.  How many of us have heard something on this list?

 

·      Just cheer up.

·      Think happy thoughts.

·      Change your mindset.

·      Think positive.

·      Just smile.

·      Look on the bright side.

·      Remember others have it worse.

·      Just get over it.

 

            We have all heard these statements in some form or another.  They are said by well-meaning people who just don’t understand.  They are well-meant words that do more harm than good.  I try to ignore them.  I tell myself the other person just doesn’t understand.  Sometimes, though, these greeting card platitudes make me angry.  They are hurtful.  These words make it sound like I can control how the depression affects me.  I can’t.  Depression is an illness.  I cannot snap my fingers and improve my mood.  A fake smile is not going to help me anymore than it would help someone with cancer.   

            People with depression can’t just “think happy thoughts” and be healed.  Often, we don’t see “the bright side”.  Depression covers that “side” up in our minds.  If we could just change our mindset, we would.  Doing that requires treatment.  It requires therapy, medication, and sometimes more intense, non-traditional treatments.  We understand the importance of thinking positive, but depression steals that ability from us.  It is not a matter of just flipping a switch and being happy. Depression is an illness, not a way of thinking we can turn off and on at will.

            We understand that people have it worse.  That doesn’t diminish our condition.  Depression is painful.  It is debilitating.  Depression can take lives just like other illnesses.  The difference is society doesn’t recognize the gravity of depression until it is too late.   When someone dies from depression by suicide, people say they didn’t see the signs.  They say they had no idea.  The signs were there.  The person probably heard those platitudes from the list above.  Hearing those and knowing we just can’t do it, make our depression worse.  Depression may not get the attention cancer or heart disease get, but it can be just as debilitating and all three can lead to death.

            When someone has a broken leg or has surgery, they receive get well cards and flowers.  When those of us with depression are struggling with our illness, we get platitudes, like “just smile”.  We are told to do things we just can’t do because of our illness.  Until that changes, we will remain misunderstood and mistreated because of our illness.  Depression is an illness, and it cannot be cured by greeting card slogans. 

 

Check back Monday, July 10^th for a post sharing helpful things you can say to someone with depression.