Being Understanding and Empathetic

“If you want to support people with their mental health, be willing to believe in things you cannot see. Be open to the idea that people experience things you know nothing about. And accept that your personal lived experience is not the only lived experience.”               – Megan Lane

 

                  I saw this quote on social media. I immediately connected with it. As a person with mental illness, I know firsthand what it is like to be treated with misunderstanding because of my illness. Having others not understand what I live with can be painful. I think this quote captures what I would like others to understand. It is what I wish I could say to people who do not understand mental illness. 

                  First, let’s assume that others want to be supportive. I do not think that other people intentionally disregard those of us with mental illness. I guess there are some people who are just cruel, but the vast majority of people do not mean to hurt others. So, what advice would I give those who want to be supportive?

                  I think being willing to believe things you cannot see is important when interacting with someone who lives with mental illness. Unlike most physical illnesses, you cannot see mental illness. There are outward signs, such as being withdrawn with depression or on edge with anxiety. Some mental illnesses have outward signs that appear as strange behavior, but they are a symptom of the illness, not a choice. Just because you do not see the mental illness does not mean it is not there. Some of us are good at masking or hiding our symptoms. For instance, I have spent my career without most colleagues even knowing I struggle with depression and anxiety. I have hidden my battle with suicidal ideation. So, as you can see a person’s mental illness may not be visible. But just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean it is not there. If you want to be supportive, believe that mental illnesses are real even when you do not see them.

                  The next part of the quote mentions being open to experiences you have not experienced as being real. A person who does not live with depression may know very little to nothing about what it is like to experience the darkness of depression. I can only describe my experience with depression as we each have our own experience, but there are commonalities that exist. For me depression involves a sense of lowered mood. It is a feeling of being trapped in darkness. Nothing seems positive. I feel like I cannot do anything. My mind and body are slowed. At the same time my anxiety will get my thoughts going on a negative loop. No one can see this going on because it is happening in my mind. Most people do not know what this experience is like. I ask that you be open to the fact that my experience is real even if you do not experience it or understand it. As the quote states, I ask that you accept that my lived experience is just as real as yours. 

                  Depression and anxiety (and other mental illnesses) are not just in our heads. We are not making up how we feel. Mental illness is real. We experience these illnesses. Mental illnesses affect us and cause us pain. It may not be a physical pain, although at times physical pain can be a part of our mental illness. Being supportive involves accepting the experience of others as real even if you do not understand that experience. 

                  Over the years I have learned that I can help others be supportive by being open about my mental illness. I have learned that I do not need to hide it as much as I have in the past. I still do not tell everyone. For instance, I am not going to walk up to my principal and say, “I have depression and anxiety.” There is no need for her to know unless it is impacting my work. By not saying something, I am not hiding my mental illness. I just do not need to tell everyone. At the same time, I am very open about my mental illness. That was not always the case. I have learned to be open about it. Not everyone with mental illness is able to be open about it. That is okay. 

                  Reducing stigma is necessary. Those of us who are able can share our experiences to help others understand what it is like to live with mental illness. By letting others into our world, we can build understanding. With understanding, hopefully, we are also building a culture of empathy.  Creating empathy in society is vital to helping individuals with mental illness feel supported. This blog, the books and articles I have written, the talks I have given, and the work I have done for NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) are all an attempt to build support and empathy for those of us living with mental illness. 

                  If you have never thought about what it is like to live with mental illness, I encourage you to check out my webpage https://www.ginacapobianco.com/ or the NAMI webpage. You can find my books and articles on my webpage. Also, continue reading this blog. I try to share information that will help people understand mental illness. Any little step you can take to understand mental illness and be empathetic makes a difference. We can change the perception of mental illness one person at a time. 

A Wave of a Depression

                  I had intended on writing about a different topic, but I am experiencing something that I thought I would share. My intent is to let others know what it is like to live with depression. 

I had been doing well the last ten days or so. I might even say at times I had been feeling good. Then this evening I felt a wave of darkness wash over me. It felt like a blanket dropping on me. The depression was back with a strength I have felt so many times before. I feel its heaviness. I was walking when it started. My steps suddenly felt heavier. I felt everything slowing. As I write this, I lack motivation. I am forcing myself to write because my goal today was to write a post. I have started and stopped writing several times. I just want to crawl into bed and escape the world. Instinctively, I know this will last until my next esketamine treatment. Luckily, that is on Wednesday. I need to trust that treatment will lift my mood. 

Not everyone experiences depression the way I do. Even for me, it comes on in different ways at different times. However, this blanketing darkness is common for me. I feel trapped under the weight of depression. It does not always drop on me this suddenly. Sometimes it creeps in slowly. I am not sure which is easier to deal with.

Depression can be sneaky. Depression can strike like an avalanche. As I said, I have experienced both. I am not sure which is worse. I guess when it is suddenly upon me it is harder to deal with in those moments. It feels like there has been an onslaught of darkness and heaviness. In contrast, when the depression sneaks in slowly I can prepare myself a little more easily. I have time to employ my strategies for dealing with the depression. Either way, depression is difficult. It is painful and numbing at the same time. Does that make sense? I am not sure I can make it make sense to someone who has never experienced it. My mind is filled with painful thoughts, but in the same moment my emotions feel frozen in time. 

When the depression comes on suddenly, it is hard to believe that I was fine just moments before. If it is difficult for me to believe, I can only imagine that it might not make sense to someone who has never experienced depression or to someone who is around me. That is one of the conflicting aspects of depression. There are times when we might be okay one moment and not okay the next. We might seem like everything is going well and it very well might be. Then like a crash of thunder, we are not okay. 

 I think one thing that I can point out to people who do not suffer from depression is that depression strikes each person in different ways. This is one of the reasons we need to be kind to others. We need to be understanding that a person’s mood can change quickly. We need to recognize that even though a person seems okay, their depression can take over without notice. It can also slowly creep in. You might notice a slow descent into the depression of a loved one or friend. They may even be able to explain what is happening. The same person can have both experiences with depression just like I do.

The reality is that depression is an illness. It grabs hold of us and we need to rely on coping strategies, therapy, medications, and treatments to help us get through the depression. We need help from professionals and support systems. The depression is not going to disappear on its own.

I finished this post the day after I started it. I am still struggling, but writing and talking to my psychologist helped. It is an example of what I mean by relying on the things that help us through depression. I do not know how long this episode will last, but I will endure. I will do my best to get through it one moment at a time.  

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, reach out, be there for them in whatever ways help them.

 

Depression – A Blanket of Pain

                  Today I would like to explore a metaphor that I thought about as I was coming out of esketamine treatment today. The effects of esketamine left me thinking about the feeling of a blanket. Maybe I was cold or just looking for a little comfort. Either way I thought about how depression sometimes blankets me. At times depression can be a blanket, heavy and encompassing. This contradicts the image a blanket often conjures up for people. That image of lying on a sofa on a rainy day, curled up, warm and cozy, under a blanket. Depression is nothing like that comfortable image. At least it is not for me.

                  Depression feels like a blanket is covering me from head to toe. It is a heavy blanket, much like a weighted blanket, but without the benefits attributed to weighted blankets. Depression’s blanket is just heavy. It is a weight bearing down on me. This weight prevents me from moving much. It keeps me paralyzed in my bed. I feel like I cannot lift depression’s blanket on my own. Its heaviness traps me in the darkness. 

                  Often, I am alone with this blanket of depression. Many people are. Depression is a lonely illness. Sometimes we are wrapped in that blanket and have no one to help us push the blanket to the floor. That is when the blanket, the depression, is in control. We need someone to reach out and offer a hand to pull the blanket off us.

                  I like to think about the blanket that waits for me on my couch. It is warm and soft. I like to lie under it and read. That is what a blanket should be. It should illicit feelings of comfort. Instead, I have this image of the blanket I know so well. It is dark, of course it is dark just like depression. From an outside perspective the blanket looks harmless. But I know its plan for me. It will wrap me in the darkness, drag my mood down. I have learned to fear the blanket of depression. I know it will hurt me and I will struggle under its weight. So, I reach for the light. I find that light in my mental health team, in my treatment, and in getting involved in life. It is not easy to reach out, but it is necessary. It is the only way to strip that blanket of depression of its strength.

                  As I mentioned at the start of this post, I felt the presence of a blanket as I was emerging form the effects of esketamine today. I can never be sure what the images I “see” during esketamine mean. My mind is working on healing. It conjures up images and feelings. There are usually colors, bright colors welcoming me. Today’s blanket meant something. Maybe it means comfort is coming my way. Maybe the heaviness of depression’s blanket was floating away on one of the colorful clouds that lift me during treatment. That would mean I am healing. I thinking I am healing. There is still a long way to go, and I know there will be ups and downs. The depression will emerge and recess at its own will, but I am making strides in the right direction. The esketamine is working. Therapy is working. Conversations with my mental health team are lifting me. Grounding myself in my senses is working. The blanket of depression is losing some of its heaviness. It may be happening slowly, but it is happening. 

Depression Drains Us of Energy

                 One of the struggles with depression can be getting yourself to do things. I know I struggle with this at times. Actually, I struggle with it often. I am learning to be more patient with myself about it and thought I would share some thoughts.

                  Depression is draining. It may seem like with depression we are not doing anything. We may lie in bed all day or sit in the dark. Some people function as if it is a normal day and go through a routine. No matter how our depression manifests itself, it requires a lot of energy. Yes, lying in bed with depression is tiring. I know that may seem unrealistic or it may seem like we are resting. Unfortunately, that is not the case. Depression requires a lot of mental energy. It drains us of energy because our minds are busy fighting the depression. The thoughts depression fills our mind with are heavy and sometimes we need to battle those thoughts just to get through the day. At times we may need to battle suicidal thoughts. It is a heavy burden. 

                  Depression makes me tired, but it also prevents me from getting the rest I need to carry the burden depression creates. I may lay in bed all day and still be exhausted when evening arrives. It is not a physical tiredness, although at times my body may just not want to do anything. Depression causes a mental fatigue. This fatigue is heavy. It is draining. 

                  When we live with depression, we need to find ways to give ourselves grace. We need to recognize that our illness drains us of energy. The mental fatigue is real. It is also all-encompassing. Mental fatigue can make us physically tired. It is difficult, but we need to remind ourselves that even doing little things while depressed is a major accomplishment. We need to give ourselves credit for it. If we don’t give ourselves credit, it is not likely others will. People don’t understand our struggle. To outsiders lying in bed all day seems like rest or even being lazy. However, we know how much strength it takes to get out of that bed. 

                  Luckily for me those days of lying in bed all day fighting my depression are getting fewer. I have my mental health team and the treatment I am receiving to thank for that. It is my hope that through awareness others can get the kind of help I have been blessed with. That awareness comes from efforts of groups like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). My blog is an attempt to raise awareness. You can help by sharing my blog with others or by getting involved with NAMI. One way you can do this is by donating to NAMI Walks. I am raising funds through NAMI Walks. You can help me by donating here NAMI Walks Gina's Donation Page. Because so many people have donated to the other cause I have fundraised for (breast cancer research) I am not doing a lot of publicizing of this effort. Maybe next year I can raise more money, but I want to respect that people have already donated to my other efforts. However, if you would like to donate, click on my donation page link. Every little bit helps. I will be donating as much as I can. 

                  NAMI has given me hope. Through volunteering with NAMI, I have met incredible people and been given an opportunity to share my story with so many others. My involvement with NAMI has allowed me to give talks about mental health, write articles that have appeared on the NAMI Glendale website, and lead a writing as a healing tool writers' group. There is still space in this writing group if you would like to join. Just click on the link. All of this helps when depression is dragging me down and leaving me with no energy. 

                  I will leave you with this thought. If all you did today was get out of bed, I am proud of you. When you live with depression that simple act can take tremendous courage and willpower. If you didn’t get out of bed, that is okay, too. You are doing what you need to do to survive. Give yourself grace and remember that depression is an illness. There will be days when the illness takes control.  One thing I have learned is to not give up. If I spend today in bed because of my depression, tomorrow is a new chance to get out of bed. 

 

                  

Pulling Yourself Out of the Darkness

                  Usually, people who do not live with depression do not realize how difficult it is to pull yourself out of a dark place. It is difficult to understand something you have never experienced. The dark place depression drops us into is cavernous. It is painful yet at the same time numbing. When we are in this place, it is difficult to see a way out of it. As someone who has been there, I often find myself fearing the next trip into the darkness. I know it is always lurking, waiting to swallow me into the abyss.

                  Fortunately, I have been able to climb out of the dark depths when depression has taken over. It is never an easy climb. I usually need help to make the ascent. There are often setbacks along the way. Sometimes it takes longer than other times. If you have never struggled with depression, it is hard to comprehend how difficult it is to climb out of a deep depression. Think of it as being like falling into a well. You are surrounded by darkness. The walls are closing in around you. There is no ladder or rope to climb up. You know you need to escape, but it seems impossible. That is depression. 

                  So, how do we get out of the well? How do we climb out of depression? One thing we must do is remind ourselves that there is hope. There is a light waiting for us. We need to ask for help. This might be reaching out to a therapist or psychiatrist. It will often include medication or other treatments. Relying on the coping skills we have learned over time is valuable. We need to recognize that we are not going to climb out without help. Depression does not just shut off. It takes effort. Sometimes we do not have the strength to make that effort. In those times we may find ourselves trapped longer in the darkness. It is a difficult place to be.

                  If you have pulled yourself out of a dark depression, give yourself a pat on the back. You have accomplished something very difficult. If you know someone who has pulled themselves out of a dark depression, give them credit for the work they have done. It is hard work. It takes a strength that many people do not realize they possess. Living with depression requires strength. Some days just getting out of bed takes effort. Going through the motions of life takes strength. I honestly believe that when we live with depression, we possess a strength that we do not realize.  That strength allows us to fight the depression. 

                  Strength also means understanding when we need help. We cannot fight depression alone. Depression is an ugly illness hellbent on tearing us down. It is usually not possible to fight it on our own all the time. Asking for help is okay. It is a sign of strength not weakness. As alone as we feel in the darkness of depression, there is help. We can climb out of it. We do not have to remain trapped in that well of darkness. 

 

 

 

 

 

                   

We Are Not Our Thoughts

“You are not your thoughts; you are the observer of your thoughts.” – Amit Ray

 

                  At times depression fills my mind with thoughts. Many of these thoughts are painful and negative. They hurt. They are difficult to deal with and at times require the help of a mental health professional to overcome them. One thing I have learned as I have battled depression is that I am not my thoughts. The thoughts are depression’s way of seeking control and breaking me down. 

Before reading the above quote, I had not thought of myself as an observer of my thoughts. I have had the sense that they are a separate entity, but after reading this quote I have an image of myself watching the thoughts in my head on a screen, like watching a movie. In many ways it is a powerful image. First, if the thoughts depression puts in my head are like a movie, then I need to tell myself they are a work of fiction. These thoughts are not my reality despite feeling real. When we are watching a movie, we can turn it off or walk out of the theater. How can we do the same when the thoughts start streaming in our heads? Self-talk can become our “stop” button. Perhaps we can work on self-talk in therapy. With the help of therapist, we can learn to tell depression’s thoughts to stop. We can stop “observing” when the thoughts are negative or hurtful. It is not my intention to make stopping the thoughts sound like an easy task. It is not. It takes work to develop this skill. 

There will likely be times when we cannot just stop the thoughts. If we remind ourselves that we are observers of the thoughts maybe we can allow ourselves to separate ourselves from the thoughts. Observers generally don’t engage in whatever they are observing. A true observer should remain separate from what they are observing. How can we apply this idea to depression’s thoughts? I admit this is a hard one and one that I have not mastered yet. Visualization can play a role here. Perhaps we visualize a screen. Depression’s thoughts are on that screen. They are separate from us. They cannot reach through the screen. Our job is to keep them on that screen. By visualizing the thoughts on a screen, we are giving them a place to reside that is outside of us. Again, it is like a movie. We can watch a movie, see the screen, but we are separate from that screen. 

Remaining observers and not allowing depression’s thoughts to consume us is part of the battle with depression. It is not easy. This is a real struggle. The thoughts will seem real. They will consume us at times. In those times we need to practice self-talk and visualization. We need to share these thoughts with our mental health provider. They can help us build a screen. They can help us separate ourselves from the thoughts. By sharing what we observe with our mental health provider, we can gain a better understanding of depression. This will lead us to the path of healing. Thoughts will pop up throughout our lives. Depression is a persistent jerk. It wants our attention. We cannot give it our attention. That is easier said than done. There will be times when we do not succeed at being just an observer. That is okay. Depression is an illness. There are going to be times when we are not well; times when we need help. That is where therapy, antidepressants, and other treatments such as TMS, esketamine, or ECT play a role. There are many facets to living with depression. Stepping back and observing depression’s thoughts is one of those facets.

 

                  

An Uninvited Guest

                  Almost 40 years ago depression entered my life. Depression was an unwanted guest. I did not ask for it to enter my life. I have asked it to leave more times than I can count. Unfortunately, unwanted guests don’t understand that their presence is not welcomed. This has required me to learn to live with depression. Not an easy task. While I have learned a lot about co-existing with depression’s presence, I still wish it would just take a hike.

                  As a teenager depression consumed most of my life. I did not know how to cope with its presence. This resulted in a struggle that threatened my life. I shouldn’t use the word struggle. I didn’t really fight back in those years. Depression blanketed me and I was consumed by its presence. Suicidal ideation because of depression was very real. Somehow, I survived those years. I was banged up, but I entered my adult years alive. 

                  Those years are long behind me. Depression is still an unwanted guest, but I have learned to let it know it is unwanted. I have learned to live with depression’s presence. This has not been an easy task. It has been hard, really hard. I would say I now have a healthier relationship with depression. I have learned to talk back to it and to give myself grace when depression is bearing down on me. 

                  One of the keys to living with depression is understanding that I am not my depression. It is a separate entity. I now understand that depression’s wants are not my wants. For example, when depression is telling me that I don’t want to live, I understand that depression doesn’t know that I value my life. I have worked to teach myself that life is worth living despite what depression says. So, I speak back to the depression. Sometimes I do this through self-talk. I tell depression to stop. Other times I write about the conflict that is building in my head between depression and me. With help I have created a plan for the times when depression is pushing suicidal thoughts on me. That plan has been one of the keys to improving my relationship with depression. It allows me to know what to say to depression and how to let it know that I want to live no matter how bad depression makes me feel. 

                  Therapy has helped me learn about my depression. Talking about it with someone who is outside of it, but who understands how depression works, allows me to gain a better perspective. It is work. Therapy is not a magic pill. You can’t just sit there and expect everything to change because you are in the room. Changing my relationship with depression through therapy has required me to listen to my therapist and to put the things we discuss into practice. 

I need to be open and honest in the therapy setting. Sometimes the things depression tells me are embarrassing and I wonder if I should share them with my mental health team. I have learned that there is no shame in having depression. My team cannot help me if I am not honest. I need to tell them when I am struggling with something. Having suicidal thoughts is not something to be embarrassed about. My relationship with depression has improved since I learned to be honest about what it is telling me. Chances are that I am not going to experience something that my team hasn’t heard in some form before. Depression feels like it is only affecting me, but in reality, there are many people who struggle with the depression. 

                  One of the harder lessons I have learned is that I need to let depressive episodes run their course. Sometimes the depression is going to be loud. It is going to break me down. What I need to remember is that I have been living with depression for almost 40 years. It hasn’t broken me completely yet. That shows that I possess a strength I do not always realize. So, when the depression gets heavy, I need to give myself grace. I need to step back and use my coping skills to get through it. Writing helps. Self-hypnosis and meditation help. Reaching out to one of my mental health team members helps. I now understand that at times I am going to be consumed by the depression. That knowledge doesn’t erase the depression, but it gives me grace to say, “This is the depression. It is not me.” 

                  My cancer diagnosis played a role in my ability to understand that depression is wrong when it tells me dying is the answer. Cancer threatened my life. In doing so, it awakened a realization that I want to live.  In a strange way cancer has helped me understand my depression more. It is definitely not something I expected when I first heard my diagnosis, but living with cancer has impacted how I cope with my depression. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I had never been diagnosed with cancer. I just recognize the role it has played in my relationship with depression.

                  My relationship with depression has evolved over time. Now, I understand that I am not my depression. Its voice is not my voice. I know that depression is an uninvited guest. It is a part of an illness that I have. It is not who I am. I can talk back to depression. I can reach out for help and do the work necessary to be better able to cope with depression. I didn’t ask for a relationship with depression, but I am doing what I need to do to improve the relationship. Depression now knows it is unwanted.

 

A Winding Road

                  Struggling with depression is difficult. I have been through a rough section of the road that is depression recently. Often during the last few weeks, I have found myself headed downhill. At times I have been stuck in the road. I have not known where to turn. The GPS in my head has been confused about which way to turn and how to find my way back to my baseline mood. This is depression.

                  I think a road is an apt description because with depression we are often in different places. The darkness feels different depending on our mental location. I have lived with this monster for almost 40 years now. Despite the length of time I have known depression, it still has the ability to sneak up on me and the ability to confuse me. At times I don’t know where the depression is taking me. I know I am in the darkness, and I still frequently find myself on unfamiliar roads. 

                  Right now I know I am headed towards healing, but still I struggle. It takes time and patience to get through a depressive episode. When I don’t know where to turn or where I am headed, I need maps. I need to be able to rely on an outside guide to lead me through darkened roads. Luckily, as I have mentioned many times, I have a mental health team to support me through the depression. They talk to me; give me advice. Their support provides a map to guide me on my road to healing. Even with their help, it takes time to maneuver along the winding road of depression. Despite this, a part of me knows I will make it. That is what keeps me going.

                  Depression is a road. We are never in one place for long. Our tires may get stuck in a muddy patch, but we eventually move on if we don’t give up. Sometimes we need a psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist to give us a push in the right direction. That is okay. It is the reason they are there for us. 

                  For me the last few weeks have been a struggle and there have been moments when I wondered if I would find the right road. I wondered if the depression was too much this time. Fortunately, I know from experience that I will get through these times. Actually, I’m not sure “fortunately” is the right word. I wish I had never been through those times, but they are my reality. I have gotten through them. I am still on the road. I am still traveling toward healing. The road of depression is difficult. It is part of an illness that tries to tear us down. I know I am not on the road I need to be on yet, but I am nearing it. With a little help, I will make the correct turn and head toward the light. My wish is that if you find yourself lost in depression that you will reach out to mental health care professionals and allow them to direct you onto the right road. 

 

Are We Alone?

                  “You are not alone. You are seen. I am with you. You are not alone.”

 — Shonda Rhimes

 

Depression is an ugly illness. I know this all too well. When depression wraps its blanketing arms around me, I feel isolated as if I am the only one who experiences this lonely illness. While I know I am not alone, it is difficult to escape the feeling that I am. It is necessary to remind myself that I have support. There are ways for me to reach out for help. 

It takes effort to build a support system. This is not an easy task when we are in the midst of a depressive episode. That is why it is important to lay the foundations of a support system when the depression is not crushing us. Family and friends can be the first layer of a support system. They may notice when we are struggling and offer support. At times they may not notice. It is then that we need to reach out. If we let them know that there are times when we need support and what that support looks like, they will be better able to support us when we are depressed. That support is going to look different for each one of us. Perhaps the support is being there to talk or go for a walk. It might be they need to provide a listening ear. Being able to provide that support cannot happen if they don’t know what we need. We don’t need to share what we need with all our friends and family. It is enough to have just a select few that we feel comfortable with talking about our depression.

What if we don’t have friends or family we can turn to. Some of us are alone or we don’t feel comfortable with the people in our life. This is where support groups can be of value. One group that supports people with depression and other mental illnesses is the 

NAMI Connections Support Group. You can find one in your area by clicking on the link. Support groups bring people with similar experiences together. Being able to speak with others who have had similar experiences is beneficial and can help you through difficult times.

                  If you have a mental health care provider, that person is another support who you can turn to when you need support. Personally, I would be lost without the mental health professionals I see. Talking to a mental health professional is an important aspect of dealing with depression and other mental illnesses. If you do not have access to one, I suggest you see your primary care provider and ask for a referral. There are even mental health providers online now. I have never used one of the online therapy services, but I would guess it would be helpful if you don’t have access to an in-person mental health provider. 

                  Another option is calling 988. You can call this line when you are in crisis as well as when you need someone to talk to. This hotline can provide someone to talk to as well as send crisis personnel if necessary.

                  The title of this post is “Are We Alone?” I think the answer to that question is that while it often feels like we are alone in our depression, we don’t need to be alone. It takes work. We need to communicate with those around us. They need to know how they can help us. We need to know who we can reach out to and where we can find support, whether that be a loved one, a professional, or a support organization. 

                  Depression wants to isolate us. It wants us to feel hopeless. That is part of the illness. It is trying to get us to give up. Our responsibility to remember that we do not need to be alone. Depression is painful. Reaching out is not going to magically make the depression disappear. What it will do is put us on the path to healing. If we are following that path, we are headed in the right direction. Overcoming depression is not easy. Depression is an illness. Treatment is required. Even when we are in treatment there are times when we need extra support. Remember that you can reach out. Depression doesn’t have to isolate us.

Living with Depression

                  My last post was short. It reflected how my mood had been affecting me. Depression is a difficult illness to live with. Sometimes the weight of depression weighs heavier than other times. Unfortunately, for the last couple of weeks that weight has been heavy on me. I try to fight through it, but sometimes depression just makes a person step away from what they may ordinarily be doing. 

                  I would like to say that I am back to my baseline mood, but I am not quite there yet. I am making progress, but I still feel some of depression’s weight. Over the years, actually decades, of living with depression I have learned that there are going to be times when I am not doing well. There will be times when I am numb to all around me. Therapy helps. The non-traditional treatments that I receive help. Unfortunately, nothing can prevent the depression from taking control when it wants to be in charge. I think that is one of the ways that we know depression is an illness. Depression can nix the efficacy of treatments meant to ease it. It is powerful. 

                  Most people with depression can tell you that there are times when the depression feels heavier than others. I was doing well and then depression reared up and drew me into its lair. I was surrounded by darkness. I had to reach out for support. Luckily, I have that support system in place. I got through the worst of it this time. 

                  One of the things that helped me was writing. I know I have discussed writing a lot. While I was struggling, I journaled a lot. I also wrote haiku poems. I find that writing this type of poem is helpful for me. I need to focus to ensure I am getting the correct syllable count for each line. That occupies my brain and pushes some of the depression-fueled thoughts into the background. While my haikus were dark, they were also a reflection of where my mind was at during this time. Getting my thoughts out on paper made them concrete, which allowed me to process them. 

                  I also created some art. I did paint pours over two vases. Art helps me calm my thoughts and center myself. The act of pouring the paint, watching the colors flow, releases some of the numbness. I like watching the paint flow down the glass. I try to imagine the depression dripping off the vase (or canvas if I am working with one). 

                  As I think about it, these strategies, writing and painting, provide me with a sense of externalization. The depression loads my brain with negative thoughts and feelings. Writing and creating art provide a place for those thoughts and feelings to go. As I visualize them leaving me, I begin the process of regaining control. It can be a slow process. Allowing the process to happen is healing. 

                  My main point in this post is that when we live with depression, we are going to have times when the depression becomes very dark and heavy, but we can get through those times. We need a plan to cope when the depression is at its worst. Having a safety plan for the bad times is a good start. I wrote an article about safety plans. It can be found on Recovery.com (Creating a Safety Plan for Times of Suicidal Crisis). Knowing who you can reach out to is important. It is also important to have coping strategies. For me those strategies include writing and creating art. 

                  I can’t stress the importance of being ready for the difficult times enough. This recent episode of heavy depression caught me off guard. It was difficult, but I engaged in my coping strategies. I reached out for support. You can do this, too. Depression wants to rule our lives. We do not have to let it.

 

                   

                  

Depression Always Finds Me

             Today I don’t feel up to writing a full post. I have been experiencing an increase in my depression. It comes stealthily and drags me down. Writing usually helps, but right now I need more journal-type writing, writing just for me. So, please forgive me for the short post. I just don’t have a topic idea at the moment. Maybe I will be able to write something tomorrow. For today I will share a short poem that matches what I am experiencing. It actually may be an unfinished poem. I might try to finish it later. 

 

Depression Always Finds Me

 

My mood drops.

The weight of my thoughts becomes unbearable.

I pull the blanket further over my head,

Trying to hide the depression that encapsulates me.

Hiding is futile.

The depression always finds me.

 

 

Finding My Voice

                 Living with mental illness, no matter what the diagnosis, is difficult. For me depression started at a young age. I actually do not remember what it was like to live before depression entered my life. In some ways it has become my “normal”. In my life depression just is. I live with it. At times it consumes me. Other times it lurks in the background waiting to fully embrace me.

                  Until few a years ago I accepted my depression as just part of who I am. It was something that I thought I couldn’t change. It was not something I talked about with others. I held it inside as a shameful illness that others would not understand. Then a few things happened that changed my perspective of living with depression. 

                  First, a physician’s assistant (PA) I was seeing recognized that I was being overmedicated by the psychiatrist I was seeing. The PA and my psychologist explained that I had the right to find a psychiatrist who would really listen to my needs. This gave me the courage to search for the right psychiatrist.

                  Another incident is burned into my memory. A couple years later I saw a different PA for primary care, and she shamed me for having mental illness. Her words were hurtful. You can read about this incident in my post about it (Turning Hurtful Words into Healing) or in my book, "Traveling the Healing Journey". It was this incident that made me realize that I had a voice and that I needed to use that voice to speak about mental illness. My psychologist encouraged me to use my writing as a means of sharing my story and helping others. 

                  I started by sharing poetry. My third and fourth poetry books (Curative Quest and A Light Amidst the Darkness) illustrated what it is like to live with depression. I shared the darkness of my illness and the light of healing that I was experiencing. As I promoted these books I was finding my voice. In finding my voice I realized that my story and my perception of my mental illness could help others. 

                  I worked on healing with my psychologist, my psychiatrist (I finally found an amazing one), and a psychiatric nurse practitioner. With this team I learned about my depression and anxiety. I learned to focus on the aspects of healing that have been guiding my journey. I learned that I could speak about this illness that many people would rather see kept behind curtains. I learned that there was no reason for me to be ashamed of my mental illness. I understood that depression is an illness. Even though it is mental and not physical, it is still an illness. I didn’t have depression because I did something wrong or because I was a failure. 

Depression is no different than any physical illness one might develop. If we can talk about heart disease and cancer, we can talk about depression and other mental illness. Talking about it and listening to what others have experienced is how we work toward healing. When we do this, we are raising awareness. When we are open about mental illness, we make it easier to treat. So, I started talking about it. I haven’t stopped. My books and this blog are ways that I found my voice. I can talk about depression. I can encourage people to share their stories. This allows us to connect. Connections bring awareness, which leads to progress in healing.

As I began sharing my story, I discovered an organization that was helping people do what I was trying to do. I joined NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). I have learned skills to be a better speaker. I have learned to work with peers and lead groups. I have learned where to focus my advocacy. Most importantly, I have learned that I am not alone. NAMI has shaped how I use my voice. 

As I look back and think of that awful comment made by a PA, I realize that it was a trigger. It hurt and it made me angry. However, it also taught me that I had a voice. I learned I could use my voice to prevent medical professionals and others from making hurtful comments like that. So, it was a positive trigger. I am lucky I have had a team of people around me who have encouraged me to be the voice I didn’t have earlier in my journey. With their help, I am raising my voice to bring awareness and healing to those who live with mental illness. 

                  

                  

Carrying Depression and Anxiety

                  As I have shared, I have lived with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Starting in my teenage years, depression has been a constant companion. Anxiety joined in a few years later. These two mental illnesses have been a heavy load. Somehow, I have learned to live with them. I owe a lot to therapy and treatment for my ability to function. Despite being able to function, my illnesses still make life difficult. 

                  Most days I can carry depression and anxiety. They impact my life, but I still live my life. On these days I have functioned. I have worked and socialized. I appear “normal”, as if nothing is wrong. I hesitate to use the word “normal”. What I mean by using this word is illness-free. These are the days when I appear to be like everyone else. No one would know that depression is whispering in my ear or that anxiety is causing a tightness in my chest. I have learned strategies that help me cope with the day-to-day effects of my mental illnesses. These are the days when I carry my depression and anxiety well.

                  As I heal and learn more about coping with depression and anxiety, the more I can function as if they were not present. It is a bit strange to say that I am still learning. Depression and anxiety have been present in my life for close to 40 years now. I don’t think I will ever stop learning. I see that as a positive. It means I am working on living with my illnesses. 

                  Even with continually being open to learning, there are days when the depression and anxiety are very heavy. They drag me down on these days. I feel like I don’t have control of what I am feeling. Depression and anxiety are in charge on these days. On these days I am unable to function as I would like. I find myself hiding, unable to interact. Depression feels like a heavy blanket darkening my world. Anxiety becomes a pressure and an antsy sensation that consumes me. These days happen more frequently than I would like, but most people would have no idea that I am experiencing this. I have learned to hide it. These are the days when I cannot carry my depression and anxiety. I am weighed down by their heaviness. I cannot see because of their darkness. 

                  This is mental illness. This is depression and anxiety. Some days I can live and carry them well. Other days I am crushed by their weight. I have good days and bad days. There are also the in between days. Those days when people who know me might pick up on how I am feeling, but I am able to hide it from others. 

                  I have learned that when the weight of depression and anxiety becomes heavy, it is time for treatment. I know I need the help of my mental help team. I have learned that needing both treatment and support are okay. Learning this is part of living with mental illness. The image that comes to mind for me is of rocks on a chain. On the good days I am dragging the chain of rocks behind me. The rocks are with me, but I can carry them. On the bad days those rocks are on top of me. In these moments they are a weight I cannot lift. 

                  Depression and anxiety are illnesses. These illnesses never leave me. I am just able to carry them better at some times than at other times. For me mental illness is not static. It weighs on me differently in each moment. I need to be able to identify how it is affecting me. I need to acknowledge the times when I can push myself. I need to recognize the times when I need to take a step back and protect myself. Most importantly, I need to give myself the grace to accept that what I am experiencing is an illness. 

                  

Sometimes Our Brains Lie

    The other day I saw a meme that said, “Sometimes your brain can be a lying piece of sh**.”  That really resonated with me. My brain is often filled with negative messages. My depression and anxiety spur these negative messages on daily. I have come to realize that these negative messages often are not true. It is difficult to deal with them but recognizing them as untrue is an important step.

                  My brain has been lying to me most of my life. It tells me that I cannot do things. It tells me that everything is going to go wrong. My brain likes to force the idea that I am worthless on me. The truth is my brain is lying. Unfortunately, depression encourages me to believe these things. Depression grasps the negative and magnifies it, allowing my brain’s lies to drag me down. That is the power of our brains and the power of depression.

                  What if we could turn this negativity around? What if we could present the truth to the lies? Not easy tasks, but they are tasks worth trying. When our brains are lying to us the first thing we need to do is recognize the lie. We cannot stop the lie if we do not acknowledge it. Acknowledging the lie might sound like, “Okay, I know that is not true. I am not going to be led by lies” or “Stop. That is a lie.” We don’t have to say it out loud. It can be said in our heads. However, if saying it out loud helps, do it. Sometimes I find myself needing to talk back to my thoughts out loud.

                  Once we have acknowledged that a thought our brain is telling us is a lie, we need to rephrase it. Let’s say my brain is telling me that I am going to mess up a work project. After telling my brain that it is lying, I might say something like, “I have successfully completed projects like this in the past, there is no reason to believe I won’t be successful this time.” What if our brains are telling us that no one cares about us? Again, we first tell our brain to stop. Then we can point out at least one person who does care. Maybe we cannot think of a friend or family member in the moment because we really believe we are alone. I have been there. This happens. Could we tell our brain, “Well, my psychiatrist or psychologist cares”? I realize there is a rabbit hole looming there. Our brain will tell us that he or she must act like they care because they are being paid. Maybe in this instance we need to just state it as a fact. It will help gets us through the brain’s lies. I also believe that most psychiatrists and psychologists actually do care, or they wouldn’t be doing the work they do.

                  Talking back to our brain’s lies is not easy. It takes a lot of work. It is hard for people without depression. So, it makes sense that it is even harder for those of us who are faced with depression. Depression enjoys latching onto the brain’s lies. This is how it tears us down. We need to try to talk back to the lies. The more we do it, the more likely talking back will become a habit. I am not saying this will cure our depression, but I do believe that talking back to our brains is a tool we can use to help ourselves. 

                  Remember, as amazing as our brains are, there times when the brain is a lying piece of sh**.  At those times we need to take control. We need to speak back to our brains. Think of it this way, if a person spoke to someone you cared about the way our brains speak to us, would you allow it? Of course not. We cannot allow our brains to speak to us in a way we would not tolerate it speaking to those we care about. 

Healing Brings Light

 Healing takes much time,

But brings with it a new light.

A light that shines bright.

 

                  As I have discussed in this blog many times, writing is healing for me. Sometimes I like to challenge myself with my writing. So, I have tried my hand at haikus. The above haiku is one I wrote the other day about healing. When I wrote it I was referring to healing from depression, but I think it applies to all types of healing.

                  I have been on a lifelong journey to find healing from depression and anxiety. It has not been easy. Healing takes effort. That can pose a problem when you live with depression and anxiety. Often, these illnesses steal my ability to exert the effort necessary to heal. Losing this ability makes it difficult to heal. I want to heal, but the depression tells me not to get out of bed. At times it tells me that it is not worth fighting for healing. Depression is a darkness with a loud voice. As depression tells me I cannot heal, it shrouds me in darkness. This darkness makes it impossible for me to heal on my own. Coping strategies are rendered useless as I sink further into the darkness. 

I need to reach out for help. I have found that help in therapy, work with my psychiatrist, TMS, and esketamine. These take time to work. Each requires me to tell the darkness that I want to heal. The effort required to engage in these treatments is difficult to summon, but I know I must try. I understand that healing takes time. Depression is not going to go away overnight. It has been a part of my life for too long. I trust that the treatments will bring me into the light of healing. That light will be bright. It will comfort me and provide hope. 

One thing I learned is that depression will always be a part of my life. It is just the way my brain is wired. Despite this I can experience times of light. This healing will last for different amounts of time. When the depression seeps back in, I need to remind myself that I have seen the light of healing. I need to remember that healing is possible. It has shined before and will again. I may need help remembering, but I have a mental health team who will remind me. 

What if you don’t have a mental health provider? How can you find help remembering that light exists? Maybe you can write reminders on a Post-it note and place in a place where you will see it each day. You can keep a journal and return to the where you have written during times of healing. Another strategy might be to ask a friend or family member to remind you when they see you slipping. You can join a support group through a mental health program. NAMI offers the Connections group to allow people living with mental illness to support each other in a safe environment. 

One of the things to remember is that the work doesn’t stop when the darkness of depression or other mental illnesses lifts. We must maintain the work when we are in times of healing. This will lay the groundwork for help when the darkness returns. In essence we are building a safety net with this work. It will allow us to return to the light when we are faced with darkness. 

I know I write a lot about darkness and light. These images allow me to understand my depression. It makes sense to me. I feel the darkness of depression and I have experienced the light of healing. I hope that others suffering from mental illness find hope in my description. We all have our own understanding of our mental illness. For me darkness and light describe depression and healing. I encourage others to find the image that works for them. If my image works for you, please use it. We all need to find whatever helps us heal. 

                  

One Day at a Time

                 When you live with a mental illness such as depression, there can be days when you feel alright and days when you struggle. I have times when I am doing well. Usually, those days are thanks to treatment with TMS or esketamine. Other days can be very difficult. Is it possible to balance these days?

                  When I am doing well or even on the days when I am doing just okay, I can recognize all that I have overcome. I am aware that I am winning my battle. It is a good feeling. During these times I have hope. I wish I could bottle this feeling and pour a little out on the bad days. During the times when the depression is darkening my world it easy to believe that the struggle is all there is. It is easy to forget about all I have accomplished in my battle with depression. I need reminders that there are better times. Fortunately, I have help. I have a support system in my mental health team who remind me that the struggles do not erase the progress I have made. When the depression takes a bad turn, I am fortunate to have these reminders. 

                  It is easy to forget about the positives. Depression darkens our world and allows the negatives to scream at us. Having a self-talk dialogue ready for these times can be helpful. The dialogue should be something positive, but not overly sappy. Something like, “I have gotten through 100% of the bad days.” I have seen this message on social media. It is a good reminder that depression hasn’t taken us. Bad days happen, but we get through them. Whether it is because we have a mental health provider who guides or because we have learned coping skills to ease us through the bad times, we have succeeded in fighting our depression. 

                  I think what it comes down to is living one day at a time. There are times when it is necessary to live one moment at a time. That is okay. We need to give ourselves grace. Just because one day or one moment isn’t going well doesn’t mean that the next will be bad. I know when you live with depression, so many moments seem unbearable. So often we feel numb and alone. It hurts. It feels like life is never going to get better. While it may be difficult, life does get better. There will be good times. It is difficult to remember those good times. It is difficult to remember what we have overcome, but it is necessary to keep these times in our memories. 

                  One way I am learning to remember that the light of healing returns even when life seems its darkest is to think of the analogy to night and day. Nighttime is dark, but in the morning the sun always rises. The same can be said for depression. Even at its darkest, the light of healing will come through at some point.

Proud to Live with Mental Illness

                  Recently, I saw a social media post from For Like Minds. It said, “I am proud to be living with mental illness.” This struck me. I immediately connected with the quote. It may sound strange to say I am proud to live with mental illness. Why would I say I am proud to have an illness? The key words are “living with”. I am not anymore proud to have a mental illness than I am to have cancer, but I am proud that I am living with my illnesses.

                  Having a mental illness is not easy. Despite what many people seem to think, depression and anxiety are illnesses. Their symptoms are debilitating at times. Other times they make life difficult. Mental illness hurts. Living with mental illness is a struggle. Despite the struggle, I am living. There have been times when my mental illness has almost taken my life. Suicidal thoughts and impulses are symptoms of my depression. Mental illness is not something that I willing choose to have. When my illness is under control, I do not want to die. However, when my mental illness takes control, it forces suicidal thoughts upon me.

                  I am proud of myself for living through my suicidal thoughts and impulses. I have fought my mental illness. Luckily, for me I have health care professionals who assist me in my battle with mental illness. They have taught me how to fight back. Some of that fight was already Inside of me. I have been fighting this illness for over 37 years. Early on I fought alone. Looking back, I would like to give my teenage self a high-five for getting through all she did. My teenage self deserves a hug. I am proud of her. 

                  I am proud of adult me, too. I live with mental illness. Some days are better than others. I treasure the times when I am in a good space. The times when TMS or esketamine are working. It is during those times that my struggle is easier. It is also during those times that I can practice the skills I need to live during the times when my illness is attacking me. I have learned to use coping skills such as journaling, self-hypnosis, self-talk, listening to music, art, and walking. These allow me to live with my mental illness. Of course, these alone are not enough. Depression and anxiety are illnesses. As such, they require treatment. I take some medication, although my other treatments are what really treat my illnesses. For me TMS and esketamine fight my depression and anxiety. They do not work alone. I must do my part. That means being consistent in going to treatment. It means believing in my treatment. I also need to be honest with my mental health team. I need to let them know how I am doing. I need to share what is going on in my mind. I need to be honest and reach out when I am having suicidal thoughts. My mental healthcare providers cannot help me unless I am honest with them. I am proud of myself for being honest with them. 

                  My battle with mental illness is just as real as my battle with cancer. The only difference is one is a mental illness, and one is a physical illness. Both are serious. Both require treatment. I need to trust my healthcare providers for both illnesses. I also need to recognize these illnesses impact each other. Having two illnesses requires me to understand how they affect each other. I have lived with mental illness most of my life. For the most part, I know what to expect with it. Cancer joined the fray a year and a half ago. I have a new battle. Living with cancer affects my mental health. It adds a layer of fear to my thoughts. Another reason I am proud of living with mental illness is that it has prepared me for my cancer battle. I have learned that I can live with an illness. I have lived with depression and anxiety. So, I know I have the strength to live with illness. That knowledge has helped me face cancer. This doesn’t mean that I am not afraid of the cancer. But I have been afraid before. I have been afraid of my mental illness, and I have managed to live. Why wouldn’t I be able to live with cancer as well?

                  So, I can proudly say I live with mental illness. I can proudly say I live with cancer. I am a fighter. Some days I am going to struggle, but my fight has taught me to be proud of myself and to keep fighting.

You Possess the Strength to Ask for Help

                  As I have shared many times I have struggled with depression for over three decades. It started in my teen years. During that time, I didn’t understand what was going on and didn’t know how to get the help I needed. Decades of living with depression has taught me something important. What is that lesson? I possess the strength it takes to ask for help. When we are at our weakest points, we still possess the ability to reach out for help. How we reach out for help is going to vary from person to person, but when we do reach out, we need to be met with understanding. 

                  As a teenager I didn’t know how to reach out for help or that I even could reach out for help. My struggles were met by a lack of understanding from high school personnel who should have been able to help me. Maybe they were doing the best they could, given their understandings of mental health at the time. I don’t harbor bad feelings about the lack of help I received at that time. I am grateful that times have changed and that there are more avenues for help with mental health today.

                  Even though there is more help today, people often don’t seek help when they are struggling. Asking for help is seen as a sign of weakness by many, which is unfortunate.  It couldn’t be further from the truth to say that asking for help is a sign of weakness.  It takes incredible strength to recognize that you are struggling and to then reach out for help. Frequently, we don’t realize that we possess the strength to reach out. That has happened to me many times. I got through those teenage years, but even in my adult life sometimes I find myself saying that I can get through it on my own or that there is nothing anyone can do. Those words paralyze me, making it hard for me to receive the help I need. I know I am not alone in this. 

                  Fortunately for me, I have learned to reach out and say that one syllable word, “help”.  Each time I have uttered that word, I have received assistance. That has led to having a mental health team that I know I can always turn to when I am struggling. I believe it is a sign of strength to ask for this help. It requires me to recognize that I do not need to do it alone. It also requires me to understand that I don’t have to live trapped in my depression. I had to build up the ability to ask for help. Like weightlifting, it requires repetition and consistency. Each time I get myself to reach out for help, it becomes a little easier. In a sense I have developed something akin to muscle memory. When the darkness sets in and depression leads to suicidal thoughts, my mind reaches out for help. I have reached out enough for my mind to know that is what it needs to do. Of course this is not foolproof. There are other factors like trust in my mental health team. That trust increases my strength and allows me to reach out. 

                  In our darkest moments hope may seem to be absent. If we can get ourselves to reach out, we will find that there is help available. Returning to my weightlifting example, it takes practice to be able to reach out for help. We need to continue to reach out when we are struggling. Reaching out needs to be normalized. As a society we need to encourage reaching out. We need to ensure that people know they are not alone in their suffering. This is how we develop strength.  

                  Mental health professionals play a vital role in developing the strength to reach out for help. They need to encourage people to reach out. Whether it is encouraging people to reach out to them or to other available resources such as 988 or NAMI support groups, mental health professionals can provide people with a way to reach out for help. 

                  Know that if you are struggling you deserve help. You do not have to struggle alone. Even if all you can do is whisper it, you can reach out for help. Dialing 988 can be a life saver. If you just get yourself to press those three numbers, someone on the other end will help you make your needs known. If you are lucky enough to have a mental health provider, make a plan with them for what to do when the darkness is too much. 

                  “Help” is a simple word, but it is incredibly powerful. Tell yourself you possess the strength to use this word. Asking for help can make a difference. I know it has made a difference in my life.

                   

People Don’t Fake Depression

    I have read this quote many times, “People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” Most recently I saw this quote with a picture of Robin Williams. The quote really hits home for me. Sometimes people think that when a person is depressed, they are seeking attention, especially if they express suicidal ideation. That couldn’t be further from the truth. 

I have been suicidal numerous times. Not once has it been an attempt to get attention. In fact, for me suicidal thoughts involve wanting to escape. I definitely have not wanted attention. 

Depression is a painful illness. It is also a lonely illness. So many people don’t understand depression. I’ve even met medical professionals who sadly don’t understand depression. Some people think it is just a sadness or something that a person can snap out of easily.  Depression is more than sadness. It is a painful darkness. It is an illness. One that requires treatment, which makes it even more upsetting that there are medical professionals that don’t understand depression. It is bad enough when the average person doesn’t understand, but just not right for medical professionals not to understand.

While I have never faked depression, I have faked being okay. That is how I managed to maintain a career all my adult life. I tried to push my depression into the background. I attempted to deny it. That only makes depression mad. Yes, an illness can get mad. When it does, it attacks even harder. That has been my experience with depression. When I have pushed it into the background and tried to fake being okay, depression has dealt me blows that have left me reeling. Faking being okay is difficult. The false smile, the pretending that nothing is wrong are part of dealing with the illness. We try to fake being okay because there is a lack of understanding about depression. 

“People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay.” How often have we been shocked to hear that someone has died by suicide. When Robin Williams died by suicide fans all over the world were shocked. He was America’s funny man. Like many of us, he faked being okay. I read that he once said, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it is like to feel absolutely worthless, and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” I think a lot of us who live with depression can relate to this statement. We wouldn’t wish depression on anyone. It is a debilitating illness. It rips joy from our lives and leaves us in darkness. I didn’t know Robin Williams. I saw him on television and in movies. He made millions of people laugh. Yet, he knew the darkness. It takes a special gift and an understanding of what it likes to live in the darkness and still find a way to make people laugh.

Robin Williams offered a piece of advice that I would like to close this post with, “If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone, and remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” This is not to make light of depression. It can last a lifetime, but there is help available. There are treatment options. Even those of us who are treatment resistant can find healing in non-traditional treatments. 

Remember even if someone is smiling, know that they could be hiding depression. So, always be kind. You don’t know what another person is dealing with.