How to Show Up When You Have Depression (Even When You Don't Feel Like It)

When you live with depression it can be hard to show up in the ways we might want to show up. It is not that we do not want to be fully present or participate some moments. There are times when we just cannot. Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses can overtake our desire to be a part of moments or to do things. 

                  Let me explain a little. There are times when depression can make us feel drained or even dead inside. We might be holding pain that we fear will pour out of us if we engage with others. Anxiety can put us on an edge and make us feel like we are going to dive right off it. These feelings are hard to cope with when we are just sitting in our homes. Can you imagine trying to engage with others at these times? 

                  There are times when we do it. Times when can put our mental illness on the backburner, so to speak. It is by no means easy. Nothing is when you live with mental illness. So, how do we do it? How do we show up when we do not have it in us to show up? 

                  Let’s look at some ways to make showing up a bit more doable. First, we should focus on making our involvement smaller. We can be present in less demanding ways. We can prepare ourselves for the involvement. 

                  Here are some things we can try:

·      Redefine what involvement means: We do not need to be fully involved in everything. Maybe instead of being at an event or commitment for the full time, we set a goal of saying for a quarter of the time or half the time depending on what we can do. If it is something we are trying to do for ourselves like clean our house, maybe we commit to washing three dishes or vacuuming one room. If it is going out with friends, maybe we commit to only an hour or two rather than the whole evening.

·      Choose one priority: If we have more than one commitment, choose one to make a priority. Let others know what we are committing to do and be sure to make it known that we will only do what we can.

·      Let others help: If there is someone we can trust involved, we can let them know what we think we handle. Ask them to help us stick to that. We can say something like, “I am having a hard time today. I may need a little help with X or Y?” 

·      Check In Support: If we are going to be out somewhere and think we might have difficulty getting away, we can ask someone ahead of time to give us a call to check in and give us an out. We can also ask someone who is with us to suggest leaving at a set time to help us be able to leave before we become overwhelmed.

·      Prepare in advance: If we know we have something to show up for we can take a few steps to prepare that will make showing up easier. This can range from laying out our clothes the night before to checking out a location in advance. There are many ways we can prepare for things in advance. These are as varied as the activities we show up for. 

     It is important to remember that part of showing up is taking care of ourselves. We cannot show up if we are not taking care of ourselves. This is why being in tune with our mental health is important. To be in tune with our mental health we need to keep appointments with mental health providers. We need to take our medications and receive our treatments. We need to practice our coping skills. We need to ensure we are getting rest and exercise. Basically, we need to take responsibility for our mental health. This is tricky because doing this involves showing up. So, to show up we need to show up. Does that make sense? What I am trying to say is showing up takes making an effort to care for ourselves. We may not always feel like doing this, but if we can just put a little effort into it, only as much as we can give, we can show up.

The thing about showing up is that we are allowed to define what showing up means for us. No one else gets to define it for us. This may sound easier than it is. I know I struggle with showing up and often need reminders. Sometimes I can remind myself. Sometimes I need reminders from my mental healthcare team or others who are close to me. Perhaps, that is the key. We need to have conversations with those who support us. They need to know what we feel we can show up for and how we are able to show up. Of course, our ability to show up is going to vary based on how we are doing. Building a support system is crucial to being able to show up however we can.

Remember mental illness does not need to prevent us from showing up. We need to define what showing up means and then take the steps that will help us show up in our own way.

How to Cope with Depression and Anxiety: 5 Practical Strategies That Help Me Every Day

                  The third anniversary of this blog just passed on June 16. I missed it. Let’s look forward, though. With depression we absolutely need to look forward. I have shared different ideas for dealing with depression. We need to remember that there are always things we can try to ease our depression. Today, I am going to share a few things I am trying to help with my depression and anxiety. Often, both depression and anxiety hit me at the same time. So, some of my strategies help me with both. 

Interrupting the Depression Loop with a Playlist

                  Listening to music can help break the negative loop depression goes on. Many of us with depression experience negative thoughts or ideas running through our minds. It may seem like these thoughts are on a loop because they happen so frequently. I find that if I focus on lyrics when listening to music, I can interrupt the depression loop or anxiety spiral.  What the lyrics are saying is not as important as just syncing into those lyrics, although there are some great lyrics out there to connect to. I try to learn the lyrics of songs I like. Even if it is only for the brief moments the song is playing, I can distract myself with the lyrics. 

                  I have several playlists on my phone. They are for different moods and meet different needs. Creating the playlists is another way of disrupting the depression loop or stopping the anxiety spiral. Deciding on music that meets certain needs or helps certain moods can help us find hope in addition to the distraction. Let me give you an example of a mood lifting playlist. A few years ago, I worked at a school where the environment was contributing heavily to my depression and anxiety. I created a “Morning Work Drive” playlist. The songs played long enough to fill my commute. The lyrics of these songs spoke to me, and they were all by some of my favorite musicians. This playlist gave my mood a boost before I arrived at work, which helped with my mood once I was there. In all honesty, I still had to leave that position at the end of the school year, but the playlist helped me reach the end.

                  If music is something you find comforting or soothing, try making playlists and tuning into the lyrics of your favorite songs. Those lyrics might be able to replace that depression loop or anxiety spiral.

 

Walking and Noticing

                  Walking is known to help improve mood. There is a lot of research out there about this. Rather than go through the research I will just share my experience. 

Walking is the exercise I lean into. I used to walk by myself. I would often combine listening to music with my walks. Being alone and just walking without purpose helped me. Somehow it cleared my head. Some days it worked better than others. That is something to remember with anything you try to ease depression and/or anxiety. Some days they work better than others. 

                  Now, I walk with my dog. Getting a dog and having to walk her has given me a way to escape from my thoughts. I try to follow what my dog is doing. Like all dogs she stops to sniff. I try to follow her lead. No, I do not sniff, but I do stop and notice my surroundings. I try to notice what I see, smell, and hear. As I am noticing my surroundings, I am taking my mind away from the depression loop or the anxiety spiral. I try to name what I am noticing. That gets my mind using words other than what depression and anxiety want me to hear. It is an interruption. That interruption is important. When there is an interruption in the depression loop or anxiety spiral, it keeps them from pulling us in. 

                  I find that if I walk at a good pace in between the stops to notice (and for my dog to sniff), I get my heart rate up. This makes me feel better physically. Depression causes a feeling of being physically drained and heavy. Noticing as I walk makes me feel a little lighter. When I feel better physically, I can let my mind relax. That sounds easier than it is. One walk is not going to change things. It is the practice of committing to walking that makes the difference. You do not need a dog. Just get out there and take a few steps. Maybe the first walk is only five minutes or just to the corner. That is okay. Just get out there and walk. 

 

Journaling

                  I share a lot about how writing helps me heal. It is a major part of how I cope with depression and anxiety that barrels down on me. Journaling is only one form of writing I use. With journaling I tend to write whatever I am feeling or thinking in the moment I have my pen poised over my journal. I use journaling to brain dump. Is that a legitimate term? I do not know, but I am going to use it because it aptly describes what I am doing. I am letting everything flow out of me. I journal to free my mind. I journal to process the thoughts and feelings in my head. My journal gives me a space to store everything. Once my words are stored in my journals, I can choose if or when I go back and reread them. Rereading can be a form of processing. It can also allow us to see where we have come from. 

                  Other times when I use prompts that I find online or in books. Prompts can help guide our writing, which can prevent us from getting stuck on a specific idea. This can be important if we have been journaling about something painful and need a break. Trust your gut as to whether you should be writing whatever you need to get out of your head or whether you need the distraction of a prompt. 

 

Meditative Drawing

                  Again, I am using a term that I made up for something I am doing. I did not look up whether this is a real thing or if this term is already in use. For me meditative drawing started from two conversations with mental health professionals. First, my psychologist mentioned I could try drawing when I did not want to deal with words. It was an alternative to journaling. I quickly bought a sketchbook, drawing pencils, and ink pens. The problem was I knew I was not good at drawing. So, the sketchbook and drawing implements sat untouched even though I meant to give it a try and kept telling myself I would.

                  Then the psychiatric nurse practitioner who leads my TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatment suggested I try creating a pattern that I drew repeatedly when I was struggling with depression or anxiety. She suggested using circles. Somehow that made drawing seem easier. I pulled out the sketchbook and have been drawing simple designs, mostly variations of the same one. I use different colors to express different emotions or feelings. I always title the drawing at the bottom. The title reflects whatever I was thinking or the purpose the drawing was meant to serve. 

                  Drawing circles helps me. It slows my anxious thoughts, and it quiets my depressive thoughts. I do not know how this is working. I can just tell you that it is working. I am benefiting from drawing. 

 

Breathing

                  Breathing practice is something I struggle with, but I wanted to include here because I am trying it. I know it benefits many people. I am confident that if I keep it simple, I will improve at using breathing practices. 

                  Breathing practice helps us relax when we are agitated or anxious. This happens when the breathing practice slows our heart rate down. Breathing practices can help us bring our focus to something when we are struggling with depression. It does this by shifting our focus within in our brain by decreasing activity in certain areas of the brain and increasing it in others.

                  There are many ways to focus on our breathing. I think the simplest way might be inhaling for a count of four and then exhaling for a count of eight. 

Let’s take a quick look at a few breathing practices:

·      Box Breathing (also known as the 4-4-4-4 Technique)

o   Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds

This can help calm acute panic, lower immediate stress, and sharpen focus.

 

·      Diaphragmatic Breathing 

o   Focus on deeply breathing into the stomach instead of the chest. 

This type of breathing can reduce physical tension and stabilize our baseline mood.

 

·      4-7-8 Breathing

o   Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7 seconds, exhale forcefully for 8 seconds

This can help manage anxiety, stop racing thoughts, and can help us fall asleep faster.

 

·      Physiological Sigh

o   Two quick inhales through the nose followed by one long exhale through the mouth

This can stop stress. It also lowers heart rate.

 

·      Alternate Nostril Breathing (also known as Nadi Shodhana)

o   When breathing alternate blocking one nostril at a time during inhalations and exhalations. 

This can help balance the nervous system. It also reduces mental clutter and eases mild depression.

 

Final Thoughts

                  Living with depression, anxiety, or other mental illness is not easy. In addition to the work we do with our mental health care professional, medication, therapy, and treatment, we need to find ways that we can manage our mental health. We need to engage in practices that help us live with our illness. We cannot leave all our healing up to our mental health care professionals. They are important in treating us and supporting us, but we share in the work to bring healing. In this post I have shared some ways we can improve our mental health. The practices are meant to bring some relief. They are meant provide support. They are not meant to cure us or replace our treatment. These practices help us become active in our own healing. I caution that there will be ups and downs. Still, I encourage you to try whatever strikes you as something you would be able to do or would like to do. 

                  When we live with mental illness, we need to be willing to work on our mental health. We need to be willing to give things a try. We need to be active in trying to heal. 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Find Things to Look Forward to When You Have Depression: Small Steps That Build Hope

                  When you live with mental illness life is often very closed off. We isolate for various reasons. Sometimes it is because we do not feel up to engaging in activities. Sometimes people are so used to us canceling plans that they stop inviting us. Often, we mentally and physically cannot do things. Despite this we cannot give up. We need to engage.

                  In my last post How to Find Joy in the Little Things When You Live with Depression: Simple ways to notice hope, comfort, and small moments of happiness during difficult days I discussed finding joy in moments. Today, I would like to talk about the looking forward. There is a little mental health pick me up trick that can help improve our mood. Simply put, this pick me up is having something to look forward to. Sounds simple, right?. It probably is simpler than we think, but maybe we need a little help figuring out how we can focus on having something to look forward to each day. 

                  One of the reasons we need things to look forward to is that our minds need to know that there is more to life than being in survival mode. There is more to life than the darkness that depression throws on us. Having something to look forward to can break the grip depression or other mental illnesses have on us. Having something to look forward to tells us “Hey, you have this positive coming up!” 

                  Before I jump into ways to set up things to look forward to/things to anticipate, I would like to say that I think it is important to balance what we look forward to with noticing what we have already experienced. Those little joys that I discussed in my last post are equally as important as having something to anticipate. Living with mental illness is hard. Balancing these two is not easy. I recommend the balance because if we are caught up in only thinking about what has happened, we can miss what can happen. By the same token if we are always anticipating and not doing, we have no memories to make. Life, in general, requires balance. So, I just encourage all of us to balance what we anticipate with the joys we notice.

 

 

How do we gather things to anticipate?

                  Here are a few ideas that can help us start anticipating things that will bring us joy even as we battle depression:

    Create Little Things: When we are looking at the future it is often easier to keep things small. We can get lost in the big goals. So, let’s start by creating a “Little Things” List. This can include things like:

o   Going for a walk tomorrow morning

o   Meeting a friend for lunch

o   Watching the season finale of a favorite television show

o   Picking up our favorite coffee on our way to work

o   Carving out time for reading a book by a favorite author or in a favorite genre

    Be Intentional in Our Anticipation: We can allow anticipation to be part of our experience. We might 

o   Read reviews of a movie we plan to see

o   Check out the menu of a restaurant we plan to eat at

o   Watch a YouTube video about a place we plan to visit

o   Talk to a friend about something we plan to do together.

    Decrease the Effort Needed to Say Yes to Something: Enjoyable activities often require a bit of effort. I am talking about the little things that people who do not live with depression might not think about. Here are some examples:

o   Lay our clothes out the night before we plan to do something. This can take the planning and decision making out of preparation.

o   Keep the book we want to read next to our reading spot.

o   Have the friend or family member we are doing something with pick us up.

o   Create a hobby space. This will make it easier to engage in a hobby.

    Create a Future Interest List: Sometimes we do not do things or anticipate something because we do not know what we want to do. Maybe our mind gets overwhelmed when we try to think about what we want to do. Having a list of activities we are interested in doing, allows us to “pick one off the list” and plan it. These lists help up find things to do without being overwhelmed trying to think of something from scratch. We might have a set of lists. Including:

o   Movies we want to watch

o   Restaurants we want to eat at

o   Areas we want to walk in

o   Books we want to read

o   Places we want to visit

o   Hobbies we would like to try

    Set Up Recurring Events: Sometimes it helps if we have a few things that we do every week or at set times. Recurring events take the process of thinking of new things out of process. The predictability also makes things easier when we live with depression. Our mind does not have the added pressure of deciding what to do. Examples of recurring ideas include:

o    A set time to talk to a friend

o   A daily walk with our pet time

o   A set night to go to a restaurant or pick up food

o   A monthly movie day

o   A regular day or two to get coffee from our favorite coffee shop

 

        All of the above show how important structure can be for us. When we can plan things in advance, we are more likely to engage. Notice that most of these things are smaller things. It is important to have these small things to look forward to. It is easier to follow through on small things. When we plan something that we know we are likely to follow through on, our brains are more likely to help us follow through. This develops hope because our brains start to learn that we follow through on doing the small, planned things. Doing these activities allows us to feel joy. 

                  Going back to my previous post (mentioned above), we can “keep evidence” of what we have done, especially if we enjoyed it. Maybe we do this by keeping a list on our phone of the things we have done. We might write about what we have done in a journal. We can keep evidence without words by taking pictures. We might set up a folder on our phone to keep pictures of the things we have engaged in. Whatever way we keep evidence, the important thing is that we have a way to remember that we can engage, and we have engaged. We can look back on this evidence when we are struggling. Seeing our evidence can provide the little push we need to re-engage. 

                  Living with depression often leads us to isolate. This isolation is not healthy mentally or physically. We need to find ways to engage in life. If you do not have anyone to engage in activities with or you just need a little help, I would suggest finding a NAMI Connections support group. Click on the link to find a group near you. Once we start engaging, we will find ourselves doing more. We just need to take one step at a time. We just need one thing to look forward to. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Stop Negative Self-Talk When You Have Depression and Anxiety

“Say something kind to yourself today.”  - Unknown

 

                  Most of us have heard the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I’m guessing most of us assume this refers to how we talk to others, but what if we flip it around and consider that it might also refer to how we speak to ourselves? That is more difficult than saying nice things to others. I know I struggle with how I talk to myself. Those thoughts that run through our minds can often be quite harsh. This is especially true if you live with a mental illness. 

                  The way we talk to ourselves is referred to as self-talk. We can define self-talk as “talk or thoughts directed as oneself” (Merriam-Webster). That is a very simplistic definition. I think we can also consider self-talk as inner monologues and dialogues. Sometimes our self-talk is our mind speaking to us. It tells us how we are doing. It tells us what we should do and reflects on what we have already done. For some of us, self-talk can be hurtful. Depression and anxiety can interfere with how we talk to ourselves. The negative ideas that are generated by depression and anxiety can grow loud. This intensifies the depression and anxiety. It can be a vicious circle that is difficult to interrupt.

                  Saying something nice to yourself sounds simple, right? Just be kind to yourself the way you are kind to others. No big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but it is not easy for me. Part of the reason is the depression and anxiety I live with. These illnesses use my inner voice to speak to me. It is always negative. Depression and anxiety are harsh critics, who always find a way to tell me what is wrong with me. Basically, they capture my inner voice and turn it against me. This is difficult to live with. I would love to say kind things to myself, but depression and anxiety have other ideas.

                  So, we know depression and anxiety, as well as other mental illnesses, can cause negative self-talk. How do we fight back? How do we take back our voice? Before I share ideas on this, I will be honest and say that I am not always good at what I am about to share. I spend a lot of time working on my mental health. I have learned how these illnesses work. I have learned strategies for living with mental illness. Despite all I have learned, all the knowledge I have, I still struggle at times. I need reminders to practice what I am going to share about developing kind self-talk. That is where kindness comes in. Kindness involves giving ourselves grace. So, I will give myself grace as I share this. I recognize that I need work at this. So, if you struggle, too, know that you are not alone. One of the purposes of this blog is for us to grow together as we learn about depression and other mental illnesses.

 

Ways to Change Negative Self-Talk into Kind Words

 

·      Notice the self-talk, thought, without believing it –This strategy requires us to recognize the self-talk. Let’s say self-talk is telling us “I am a mess. I can’t do anything right.” Our first step would be to pause. Then we need to say, “I am having a thought that I am a mess.”  By recognizing the self-talk as a thought, we are creating some distance between ourselves and that thought. 

·      Ask ourselves if we would say that to someone else – Often, we are harder on ourselves than we would be to a friend. Using the above example, would I tell a friend that they are a mess? The answer is likely, no. What we can do is rephrase the thought. We could say, “I am struggling right now, and things are difficult.”  If we were talking to a friend, we would like help them recognize that they are going through a rough time and that they are not the problem. It is important that we do the same for ourselves.

·      Remove judgement and replace it with observation – If our self-talk tells us, “I am stupid,” we can try to replace that by saying, “I have made some mistakes lately, but I am trying.” When we try to make honest observations, we can talk back to the judgement of our self-talk and be kinder to ourselves.

·      When being compassionate it is important to also be realistic- We should not tell ourselves something that may be unrealistic. Saying, “I am perfect,” may be unrealistic to replace negative self-talk.  Is anyone really perfect? Of course not.  Instead, we can use self-talk phrases such as, “I am learning,” “Even though this is difficult, I am trying,” or “I do not like how I acted in that situation, but I can work on reacting differently.” We might also simply tell ourselves that it is okay to make mistakes.

·      Watch out for cognitive distortions – These are inaccurate thought patterns that lead us to perceive reality incorrectly. This can include all or none thinking, mind-reading, and catastrophizing. All or none thinking might include self-talk that tells us one person dislikes us so everyone must dislike us. Mind-reading might be something like “They all think I am worthless, so I must be worthless.” Catastrophizing can sound like “If I don’t finish this task on time, the whole project will be ruined.” To counter cognitive distortions, we can ask what evidence supports or doesn’t support the self-talk. Then use self-talk to present that evidence. Using the mind-reading example, providing evidence that counters the idea that we must be worthless, we might say to ourselves, “I listen to my student’s needs when they are struggling.  Must be helping this student.  I have a purpose with this student,” or “I feed my dog every day. She depends on me.”

·      Look for the deeper meaning of the self-talk – Ask: “What is the struggle that is causing me to talk to myself this way?” Recognize that we are dealing with a lot. If we have a mental illness, we can reply to inner voice with something like, “There are a lot of heavy things going on in my life right now. These make things difficult for me.”

·      BE KIND TO OURSELVES (Be compassionate with ourselves.) – Have some ready-made statements to say to ourselves. Our self-talk likely runs with a familiar dialogue. It has its go-to criticisms and harsh words. We can counter that with our own familiar pattern or phrases. These might include: “This really hurts”, “Other people struggle like this. It is not just me”, or “I am diagnosed with depression. Having hurtful thoughts is part of the depression. These thoughts are not a character flaw”. Most importantly, we need ask ourselves what we need now? Then we need to try to provide that even if we need to ask for help.

 

All this goes ack to saying something kind to ourselves. When we live with a mentalillness our thought patterns speak to us in painful and negative ways. We need to have phrases and statements ready to counter the self-talk caused by mental illness. (Or even just life. We do not need to have a mental illness to struggle with negative self-talk.) I think an important thing to remember is that we deserve kindness, even when we do not believe that we do. We can talk back to negative thoughts. Part of it is habit building. Another part of it is understanding that we have worth. That is something that is often difficult when depression or anxiety have captured our inner voice, but it can be done.

                  I guess I would like to end this post with the idea that we all have an inner voice. No one escapes negative self-talk. Though they may deny it, even those who seem full of confidence hear a negative inner voice at times. Perhaps, if we each say something kind to ourselves every day, we will be one step closer to feeling better about ourselves. To end this post here is a quick list of kind things we can all say to ourselves:

 

·      I matter.

·      I am worthy of care.

·      I am worthy of respect.

·      I am doing the best I can with what I have.

·      I am enough.

·      I can focus on the next small step.

·      I do not need to do this alone.

·      I have people who care about me in my life.

·      Getting through today is enough.

·      My symptoms/diagnosis are not my identity.

·      It’s okay if some days are harder than others.

·      My worth is not measured by my productivity.

·      I have strengths even if I can’t see them clearly right now.

·      I can learn from this.

·      I can be kind to myself while I figure things out.

·      I can be a friend to myself right now.

 

We might even just state what is going on. That can be an act of kindness. This might sound like:

·      I’m having a tough day.

·      I need some rest.

·      I need some self-care.

·      I’m trying.

·      I made it through the day.

 

Do you have ideas for other kind things we can say to ourselves? Write them in the comments.