A Heavy Load and a Smile

Because I carry it well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy. – Unknown

                  There are so many people who live with mental illness. It is a heavy load. It is difficult to carry. It weighs us down. Yet you may not notice when someone is carrying that heavy load. The reason for that is that we are used to carrying the load of mental illness and have learned to disguise it. 

                  Oftentimes I wear a smile on my face even though I am struggling with my depression or anxiety. It is not because I am having an easy time carrying it. Rather it is because I do not want anyone to know I am struggling. I do not want to be asked questions. I do not want to hear platitudes. Hiding mental illness is often easier than explaining what I am going through. As a result, I have learned to carry my load well. If you do not know me, you will think I am fine. You will not recognize that underneath the smile I am struggling. 

                  How do we learn to cover up our heavy load? It is not easy. It comes from years of practice. First, we recognize that others do not understand what we are living with daily. We ask ourselves, “how can we protect ourselves from the judgement of others?” The answer comes to us. We need to pretend we are okay. That is the answer we arrive at because we are in pain. We cannot let others know that we are struggling with depression or other mental illnesses. Instinctively, we know that most people will not understand. Our load is heavy, but we cannot risk ridicule or misguided attempts to cheer us up. 

                  Mental illness is heavy. It is difficult to rise out of the depths of the darkness that heavy load wraps around us. Still, many of us have learned how to disguise the illness that plagues us. We smile. We go to work or school. We run errands. All while feeling the pain of mental illness. I have done this most of my life. I could not risk letting my depression and anxiety be noticed at work. I could not explain what I was going through to family and friends. I knew colleagues, family, and friends who did not live with depression and anxiety would not understand. So, I learned to wear a fake smile. I learned to blame physical illnesses such as colds and the flu for the days I just could not  bear to be around others. 

On the surface I carry the heavy load of mental illness well. Many of us do. Underneath it is struggle. I wish that I did not need to hide my depression and anxiety. There are times when I share it. I can share with my mental health team. With them I am honest about my struggles. I know that they will understand. I know that they will not judge me. I am safe. I wish I could be safe in other areas of my life. I do feel safer now than I did a few years ago. I have learned that I can be honest with certain people and in certain environments. There is a sense of relief when I can allow my load to be seen. 

We all carry different loads. Some are heavier than other loads. That is why kindness, which I wrote about in a post last week, is so important. If we are kind, we make it easier for others to share their loads. Kindness makes a difference. When someone is kind, I am less likely to disguise my load. If I know I am going to be treated with kindness and understanding, I am more willing to be open about what I am going through. I think most of us who carry heavy loads are looking for understanding and kindness. We do not need others to know everything about what we are struggling with. We just need an effort to understand and be kind. The understanding we are looking for is just an acknowledgement that what we are going is difficult. It is a heavy load that not everyone experiences. It is enough for someone to just be kind. Maybe sit with us or offer a word of support. 

Even the person who looks like they are fine might be carrying a heavy load. The holiday season is a time when some people’s loads grow even heavier. I know for me my depression and anxiety usually increase during the holidays. So, as we enter the holiday season, remember that others may be carrying a heavy load. Be kind and understanding. Your kindness and understanding might just make a difference for someone.