My Old Self Wouldn’t Recognize Me

“…reading old journal entries and I know her, but she doesn’t know me.”

 

A social media friend posted this quote the other day.  It made me think about my long-time journal work. I have more old journals than I can count. So, I took some time to think about the writings that have carried me through so much over the years.  As I reflected, I realized how much I have grown through my journaling practice. 

My early journaling practice started when I was a teenager. I wrote poems in red spiral notebooks. I still have those notebooks. It was not traditional journaling, but it served the purpose of journaling for me. While I am not comfortable going back and reading those journals at this point in my life, I remember the ideas and tone of the content. Depression had entered my life. I was struggling. Everything I wrote was an acknowledgement of that struggle. The pain ran deep. At that time, I only saw darkness and my poems reflected that. Death was a frequent theme. It was a painful time and my journals, those red spiral notebooks, carried that pain. 

If the girl I was then could see the woman I am today, she would have difficulty recognizing me. Yes, depression is still a part of my life, but my world is much less dark overall. Sure, there are moments the girl I was then would recognize, but I have learned to cope with the depression.

As I moved on from my teenage years, I continued writing. At some points I found myself journaling more than others. I remember all those years and all those journals. There were so many words written about living with depression and anxiety. My journals were a place of escape, a place to find a haven for my thoughts. The younger me who wrote those words would not believe that I now write about more than my pain. My writing about depression has turned into a healing practice. 

This is not to say that I do not still feel the pain and darkness of depression. I do, but I have learned to use my writing as more than just an escape. My younger self likely would not understand because writing, journaling, was her escape. I have found that writing is healing. Perhaps, in a way, it was then, too. I just did not know it 

 Now, when I journal, I explore what I am experiencing. I go beyond the darkness of depression. I ask depression questions. Sometimes the answers find their way into other writings like this blog and my books. I have learned that by sharing my writing I am not only helping myself, but I can help others. 

I journal every day. It is a part of my healing toolbox. Maybe I should I write a letter to my teenage self. I could comfort her in a way I was not comforted then. I think earlier versions of myself would be amazed at the way journaling and writing in general, have carried me through difficult times. She would never have thought the words she scribbled in the many journals would have allowed me to evolve into the woman I am today. I have lived with depression. I have written about my depression on what may be near thousands of pages. That is hard for even present day me to believe. 

Journaling is powerful. I have written about journaling on this blog in the past (The Practice of Journaling). I share pieces of my journal with my mental health team in different ways. The poems I have written in my journals have made their way into all five of the books I have written. I have had conversations with others about depression and mental illness in general. This has happened because I picked up a pen almost 40 years ago and began journaling. 

As we journal, we transform along with our words. I have transformed. The younger me, from my teenage years to even a few years ago, would not recognize me today. I am aware of her. I know that I am the me I am today, because my younger self fought through the pain of depression, chronicled that pain on the pages of my journals, and created a practice that provided a safe space to process my struggle. For that I am grateful. 

Silencing Your Inner Critic

                  We all have it. That voice inside our heads that tells us we can’t do something or that we are not good. Have you heard it? I am sure you have. That voice is our inner critic. Everyone has it, but when you live with a mental illness that inner critic’s voice often becomes louder and more persistent. 

                  I hear my inner critic often. It has been with me all my life. When my depression and anxiety are at their worst, my inner critic seems to be at its nosiest. At times it feels like it is a scratched record, repeating over and over. This inner critic shows up in all areas of my life. My inner critic has affected my confidence. It has interfered with relationships and work. I wish it would just disappear, but I have learned that my inner critic will always be lurking. The key is to silence it. So, how do we silence our inner critics?

                  There are several things we can do to silence our inner critic. First, we must identify its voice. Once we have identified it, we need to separate it from ourselves. We can do this by giving it a name. By referring to it as a separate entity, we are giving ourselves the knowledge that the voice is not our voice. Once you have identified the inner critic, recognize the triggers that cause the inner critic to be active. Are there certain situations, people, or thoughts that provoke the inner critic? When I am working on this, it helps me to write down this information in my journal. This serves as a reminder to me and makes the information more concrete.

                  It is important to use compassionate self-talk with your inner critic. Respond to these thoughts as a friend would respond. If your inner critic criticizes you for making a mistake, you might respond with “I made a mistake and I am learning.”  By doing this you are taking away the inner critic’s power. You are also being compassionate with yourself.

                  Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) offers a tool that can be helpful in dealing with your inner critic. This tool is called thought records. First, write the critical thought down. Then ask the following three questions: 1. What’s the evidence for and against this thought?, 2. Is it a fact or an opinion?, and 3. What would I say to a friend thinking this? Write the answers to these questions down. It will help you reframe the thought.

                  You can also use mindfulness and grounding to deal with your inner critic. Doing this requires you to observe the thought, not absorb it. Allow yourself to notice the thought without believing it. You might say to yourself, “There’s my inner critic again.” Noticing it takes away some of its power. 

                  Another strategy is to create a “counter voice”. Write a list of affirming or neutral responses to common statements by your inner critic. Keep this list visible. Perhaps you can put them on sticky notes or in the note’s app in your phone. You might also write them in your journal and go back and read over them frequently. An example might be: Inner Critic: “You’re lazy.” Counter Voice: “Rest is not laziness. I am doing the best I can.”

                  Going to therapy is another important way to deal with our inner critics. I often share  my inner critic’s statements with my psychologist, who helps me work through them. Different therapists use different approaches. Three common types of therapy that can help us in dealing with our inner critics are CBT, ACT, and IFS. 

                  Medication can help if your inner critic is a part of a mental health disorder. It may quiet the noise enough to allow you to work on strategies to combat your inner critic. Talk to a psychiatrist about possible medications. 

                  Journaling and creative outlets can help in dealing with our inner critics. These activities allow us to externalize the inner critic through writing, drawing, role-play, and other creative activities. You might try a dialogue journal. In this type of journaling your inner critic writes a line and then your wiser self responds. 

                  One last way to deal with our inner critics is to rebuild our self-worth slowly. We can do this by celebrating small wins. Maybe we can track what we do each instead of focusing on what we didn’t do. When rebuilding our self-worth, we may have to start by being neutral. Our thought process might focus on just what we are doing and not giving it value either negative or positive. Then move on to self-compassion, where we tell ourselves positive things about who we are and what we are doing.

                  The inner critic is a powerful beast. It feeds off tearing us down. It develops over time and becomes stronger as time goes by. Since it grows stronger over time, it makes sense that it would take time to silence it. Give yourself grace as you combat your inner critic. It is not easy. I know and understand this because it is something I deal with. There will be good days and bad days. 

We often hear that we need to be kind to others. I would add to that that we need to be kind to ourselves. Our inner critic does not like kindness. So, be kind to yourself. 

 

The Practice of Journaling

                 Today I thought I would focus on the practice of journaling.  I know I spend a lot of time sharing how important writing is in my life. That’s just it. Writing is a critical part of my healing, and I hope that I can share its impact with others.

                  I write in many different forms including poetry, journaling, blog writing, letter/email writing, memoir, and article writing. Each is helpful for me in its own way. What is it about journal writing that is so beneficial? A quick online search will produce many benefits of journaling. These include stress reduction, improved mood, enhanced clarity, self-awareness, emotional regulation, gratitude and positivity, memory improvement, problem-solving skills, creativity boost, progress tracking, accountability, time management, improved immune function, better sleep, and pain management. That is a lot. Of course, not everyone is going to experience all these benefits. Journaling is an individualized practice, and the benefits often match the need of the person journaling.

                  Enough of what the internet says. Let’s look at personal experience. I have been journaling for close to 40 years. I started in my early teens. At that time, I did not know what I was doing. Writing was an escape for me. It allowed me to get dark thoughts out of my mind. It gave those thoughts a place to go. A lot of that early journaling was in the form of poetry. Some poems were quite long, sort of like a typical journal entry. As time passed journaling became my safe space. It was the place where I could let my emotions and thoughts loose. Looking back, I think writing in journals saved my life. It allowed me to rid myself of dark thoughts and gave the self-harm and suicidal thoughts a place to go.

                  Journaling isn’t always dark. Often, it is a place where I can sort things out, a place where I process my thoughts. As I have developed coping skills through years of therapy, I have leaned on my journal as a place to further develop ideas discussed in therapy. I also use it to help me process difficult times. When I have been frustrated in my career, I have journaled. That practice has allowed me to find clarity. It also allowed me to vent when I needed a place to scream my frustrations into the world. It has also provided space to share the good times and the positives I have experienced.

                  Without journaling my mental health journey would look quite different. In fact, I believe it may have ended tragically years ago, if I hadn’t had journaling. That is a testament to how powerful journaling can be.  It is also the reason journaling will always be a part of my mental and physical health toolkit.

                  When I was diagnosed with cancer journaling took on an enhanced role. My relationship with depression and anxiety became complicated by cancer. New fears and anxieties developed. I needed a place for all the thoughts about my illness to go. Early on in my diagnosis, death seemed like a real possibility. Outside of my oncologist, my mental health team and my aunt, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about the very real possibility that cancer could take my life. So, I journaled. I wrote every feeling and thought in journals. I had a lot to write. So, I went through a few journals. Journaling lifted the fears. It allowed me to seek understanding and provide some of it on my own. Journaling loosened up the thoughts and fears in my head. Perhaps more importantly, journaling provided a space for my thoughts to reside. Once made concrete in my journal I was able to share some of those thoughts and fears with people who could help me. In this way journaling provided healing. Sometimes I wonder if I would have made it to the other side of cancer if I hadn’t journaled. I will likely never know the answer to that question, but I have a pretty clear idea as to what the answer is. 

                  Journaling also provides a space to tell our stories. Even if we don’t realize it, each one of us wants our story to be heard. It may just be a part of our story, but we all have something to share. I learned a lot about this from Sandra Marinella’s insightful book, The Story You Need to Tell. I had first read it a couple years before my cancer diagnosis. After I was diagnosed, I found myself returning to her book with an even greater understanding. My whole life I have been journaling my way through illness. At times it has been mental illness. Other times it has been physical illness. Through it all I have been telling my story. Mostly the story has been for my eyes only, but at times I have shared that story. I hope what I have shared has helped others. I know telling my story through journaling has helped me immensely. 

                  Journaling has led to other opportunities for me. This blog grew from my journaling. My five published books stemmed from my journals. I have written articles and published poems. A lot of what I write starts in my journal. I know I will journal my way through the rest of my life. My journal will be there in good times and in tough times. It will be there when I am healthy and when I am battling illness. The practice of journaling is just that, a practice. Journaling is something I need to keep doing. It is something that you might find healing and I encourage everyone to give it a try.