“People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay…Remember that. Be kind.”
– Robin Williams
The above quote by Robin Williams means a lot to me. I remember where I was when I heard that Robin had died by suicide. I was in my psychologist’s office waiting for my appointment. A little television on the receptionist’s desk had the local news on and they announced that he had died. I remember being sad and wondering what had led this man who seemed so happy and spent his life making others laugh to take his own life.
None of us ever really know the pain others go through. We all hold parts of lives inside of us. We all have things we do not share with others even those closest to us. I believe that at times we all consider putting a mask on so that others do not see what we are going through. That mask is often a false positive mask. In other words, we often fake being okay when really, we are struggling. I know I have worn a mask disguising my depression and anxiety often. As I have grown in my understanding and acceptance of my depression, I need that mask less often, but it is still nearby and at the ready.
In the past I had to wear the mask in attempt to hide my depression so that I could function at work or get through family gatherings. Unfortunately, when we live with depression, sometimes we feel like we need to deny it to get by. I have masked my depression when people insinuated that I could “snap out of depression”. Many times, it was easier to escape under the mask than to explain that I could not just snap out of my depression. Of course, this was a bad habit to get into for many reasons. First, it forced me to deny what I was feeling and experiencing. It also gave others a false impression of who I am and what I live with. Another thing wearing a mask did was to perpetuate mental health stigma. Each time I put that mask on I am denying that depression is a legitimate illness. For the most part I no longer use that mask even though it is within reach. I am not ashamed of my depression. It is an illness. People can either accept me with my illness or they can move on.
When we wear a mask to hide our depression, we are faking being okay. No matter how long we wear that mask or how hard we try to mask our depression, it is going to find its way out. The depression will become worse the more we try to hide it.
Back to Robin Williams. Since his death I have read many stories about him. I have learned that he suffered, but did not want his suffering to affect others. He spent his life making people laugh with his movies and other entertainment ventures. What I like best about him is what he did when no one was watching. He would quietly go to hospitals and spend time making kids with serious illnesses smile and laugh. There were never any cameras when he did this. He did not want cameras. He wanted to be fully present for the children. Doctors, nurses, and parents knew the true gift of Robin’s visits. Yes, he was wearing a mask when he made these visits because inside, he was also suffering, but I think making people, especially children, brought him joy. Maybe these visits also brought him some healing. We likely will never know because he kept these visits quiet and did not talk about them. He didn’t need the attention. His sole purpose was to bring joy to children who needed it most.
I have been affected by a few celebrities’ deaths by suicide. It is not the fact that they are celebrities. It is the death; the end of a life that didn’t need to end. We often don’t hear about a suicide unless it makes the news, or it is someone we know. When I hear about someone dying by suicide or struggling with suicidal thoughts, I feel a strange connection. Perhaps because I have been on that edge. Depression has taken me to that edge more times than I would like to admit. I know I have been lucky that I have not fallen off that edge. I think about that when I hear that someone has died by suicide. I wonder if they had worn a mask. I wonder if that mask prevented them from receiving help.
Masks only help others avoid dealing with someone who is struggling. Masks do not help the person with depression. We may feel like we need to wear the mask to get by or to protect ourselves, but in the bigger picture masks prevent us from getting help.
If others could find it in themselves to be kind to people living with depression life would be easier. More people could reach out for help. Just as important, more of us could be honest about what it is like to live with depression. If we do that, just maybe people could live an easier life with depression and not attempt to end their lives.
Remember to be kind to others. You do not know what they are going through. Each of us deserves to be treated with kindness.
