One aspect of depression that I find myself struggling with even at times when my depression is otherwise in a manageable state is self-criticism. Often, my mind fixates on my perceived faults. It does not take much to trigger these thoughts. Sometimes it is not even something that happened. My self-criticism can be triggered by a random thought. It can be triggered by something that does not go right. Whatever the cause, self-criticism worsens my depression. It does this for many people.
According to the Oxford Language Dictionary, criticism is “the expression of disapproval of someone or something based on perceived faults or mistakes.” It defines self-criticism is “criticism of oneself or one’s actions.” Anyone can experience times of self-criticism. That is normal. Most of us experience self-criticism at times. When a person has depression thoughts of self-criticism can become persistent and harsh, worsening the depression.
Self-criticism turns into an inner voice carrying on a negative dialogue. This dialogue is often cruel and shaming. Instead of saying “I made a mistake”, the dialogue might be “I am a mistake.” The mistake is seen as a reflection of our whole self. With self-criticism we judge our self-worth based on one incident or mistake. We experience a setback and then believe that we always fail.
Another characteristic of self-criticism is rumination. We keep replaying a mistake on a loop in our mind. I experienced this today. A lesson I taught didn’t go the way I planned. Instead of just moving on to the next lesson and allowing myself not to be perfect, I kept going over what I felt I did wrong in my head. Something that my students probably did not even notice became a siren in my head. I questioned my worth as a teacher. Despite the fact that I have taught for over 28 years, my mind fixated on a perceived bad lesson. It was not even the whole lesson, it was just a little part of it. That was enough to trigger self-criticism in my head, which led to my mood dropping and depression creeping in and reaching a level that was difficult for me.
So, how do we cope with self-criticism when we live with depression? First, we need to recognize that we are not likely to be able to force that voice of self-criticism to be completely silent. Instead, we need to change our relationship with self-criticism. In doing this we can reduce its power over us. Let’s look at some strategies we can employ.
A powerful strategy for coping with self-criticism is to name the voice. A common statement made by self-criticism is “I am a failure.” We can rename this by saying “I am having the thought that I am a failure.” This allows us to notice the thought and create distance between ourselves and the thought. We can even label the thought. Maybe we say, “That’s my depression talking” or “That’s my inner critic.” Naming or labeling our self-criticizing thoughts allows us to take away its power. This takes practice. So, we cannot beat ourselves up when we struggle with it. As we practice doing this, we will be better able to employ this strategy.
Another coping strategy is to talk back to the self-criticism with evidence. We can ask ourselves what the evidence is. Then ask ourselves what evidence contradicts it. We might even say something like, “If a friend said this about themselves, what would I say?” Then gently say that to ourselves. Talking back to our self-critic requires practice.
When self-criticism is attacking us, we can try to shift the thoughts to specificity. For example, instead of saying, “I’m no good.” We can say something like “I didn’t prepare enough for that.” When we do this, we are shifting from a shaming thought to something that is behavioral and specific. In doing this the overarching self-criticism is replaced with problem-solving.
Self-compassion is an important practice for many aspects of depression including self-criticism. There are three parts to self-compassion. The first is mindfulness. When we are mindful, we acknowledge what we are feeling. For example, we can say, “This hurts.” The second part is common humanity. We need to remind ourselves that other people struggle like we do. The third part of self-compassion is kindness. When we are kind to ourselves, we acknowledge that we can be gentle with ourselves in this moment.
When we struggle with depression we can be paralyzed by the combination of depression and perfectionism. To combat this, we can define in advance what good enough looks like for a particular task or we can define what is enough effort for the day. When depression has us in its grasp, our best effort might only be 20% of our capacity. We can allow ourselves to recognize that we do not need to give 100% or be perfect.
Self-criticism is tied to rumination. Maybe we need to give ourselves an opportunity to “hear” those thoughts. We can set a criticism window by telling ourselves that we are only going to listen to those thoughts for five minutes. In that time, we might write those thoughts down to get them out of our head. Then when the period is over, we should physically shift activities. We can do this by standing up or walking into another room. As with the other strategies, this can take practice. Be gentle with yourself as you are working on this strategy.
Another strategy is to collect counterevidence. Keep a log of compliments you have received, tasks you have completed, and/or times you handled something well. Depression likes to choose what we remember. Usually, it remembers the negative. This log can help balance out those negatives with real positives.
We can also take small actions in contradiction to the self-criticism. If self-criticism tells us we are not good at something, we might take a small step toward doing a part of that task. In doing this we are letting our self-critic “see” what we can do.
These strategies are not always easy. As I mentioned, I struggle with self-criticism. With that comes a struggle implementing these strategies. One of the things I have learned is that trying is half the battle. There are going to be times when self-criticism feels heavy. Maybe I need to sit with it. That can be part of the strategy in which we give ourselves an opportunity to “hear” the thoughts. Once I have done that, I need to select a strategy to focus on. I wish I could tell you that I am successful every time. The important thing is to keep trying.
The struggle might require the help of a therapist. With the help of therapy with a trained therapist or psychologist we can target self-criticism patterns and learn to the strategies that work best for us.
It is important to recognize that if the self-criticism is constant, cruel, tied to hopelessness, or connected to thoughts of self-harm, we need to seek professional help. It is okay to reach out for support. It is necessary to reach out for help. If you do not have a mental health provider to reach out to, you can call or text the 988 lifeline.
