Smiles and Appearances, The Masks We Wear: Debunking Common Depression Myths (Part 2)

                  Last week I discussed the myth that depression is sadness. Let’s look at another depression myth today. Just as those of us with depression are not just sad, we do not always appear depressed. Many of us can manage to smile in public. We can function at work and in social situations at times. We can laugh and seem happy. However, appearances do not always tell the full story. Depression can be hiding behind a mask. 

External appearances are just that. The word appearance is defined as “the way someone or something looks.”  We cannot judge a person by their appearance. Depression does not have a “look”.  We might smile even though we are depressed. We might function at work or school as if nothing is wrong even though on the inside our thoughts are trapped in darkness. It is important not to assume that a person is okay just because they are smiling or functioning at work, at school, or in social situations.

                  One skill many of us with depression learn is masking symptoms. A mask can be as apparently simple as a smile. We might smile to hide the pain we are feeling. When others see a smile, they often assume we are happy. Just as depression is not sadness, a person can be happy about something and still be experiencing depression. An example might be how I am happy when my niece gets a hit in one of her college softball games. That happy feeling does not erase the depression I am trying to cope with. The feeling of happiness is situational. The depression is still there. It is always there. I can mask it, but the depression is hiding behind that mask.

Masking may appear as staying constantly busy and focused on exceling at work or school. When this form of masking is occurring, the person looks successful and productive on the outside, but inside they may feel empty, exhausted, or hopeless. This type of masking is one I have learned to employ. It is how I have managed to maintain a career despite my depression. I hide how I am feeling so others do not know. It is a way of avoiding judgement. Masking in order to work is often necessary to survive. We need the job to get health insurance and to pay for our living expenses. So, on the outside we look “normal” (although I question if there is really a normal way to look). Inside depression might be tearing us apart. 

                  Another aspect of this myth is that people with depression do not laugh. Sometimes a person with depression might use humor as a shield. Using humor might be a way to avoid vulnerability. Humor might be what keeps a person going. When I think about this myth, Robin Williams comes to mind. Obviously, I did not know him. So, I am basing this on what I have read about him. He spent his life making people laugh and doing everything he could to make people happy. Inside he fought depression. When he died by suicide, fans were in shock. People said things like, “He was always so funny, how could he take his life?” On the outside he was laughing. Inside he struggled. Sometimes humor and laughter are masking what we are experiencing on the inside. It is a myth that if a person is laughing and smiling, they are not depressed. They may be masking their depression symptoms.

                  There is a saying about being kind to everyone because we never know what they are going through. I think this saying captures the idea behind the myth that if a person is smiling and appears to be functioning, they cannot be depressed. How many of us have hidden how we are feeling from others because we did not want them to worry? How many of us have pretended to be okay because we did not believe others would understand what we were going through? This is masking. Everyone does it from time to time. What if you had to spend your life masking how you feel and what you are going through? That is what many of us with depression do. Often, we learn early on that others won’t understand. We learn that depression can be a taboo topic. So, we develop masks. 

                  Masking our depression is skill many of us are forced to develop to cope with our depression. It is what allows us to function. Unfortunately, those masks lead to the myth that if we are smiling and appear to be functioning, we must not be depressed. The very thing we are employing to allow us to function is creating the misconception that there is nothing wrong. 

I think masks serve an important purpose. By allowing us to appear okay, our masks allow us to be a part of the world that our depression tries to rip away from us. Over the years, I have learned when I need my mask and when I don’t. Sadly, I probably need it more than I do not. When I take off my mask, I can share with others what it means to live with depression. It is important to help others understand depression because doing so breaks down the stigma surrounding mental health. Maybe I need to explain my mask more often and to more people. I am not quite there yet. Yesterday my mask instinctively went up at work even though I know it is a safe place. I have accepted that it is going to happen at times. Maybe when my mask goes up like that it is protecting me. I know it perpetuates this myth, but in the world we live in sometimes we need our masks. Perhaps someday masks will not be necessary, and we can break down the myth that a smile or functioning appearance means we are not depressed.

 

 

 

 

 

                  
                  

Masks

                “People don’t fake depression. They fake being okay…Remember that. Be kind.”

– Robin Williams

 

                  The above quote by Robin Williams means a lot to me. I remember where I was when I heard that Robin had died by suicide. I was in my psychologist’s office waiting for my appointment. A little television on the receptionist’s desk had the local news on and they announced that he had died. I remember being sad and wondering what had led this man who seemed so happy and spent his life making others laugh to take his own life. 

                  None of us ever really know the pain others go through. We all hold parts of lives inside of us. We all have things we do not share with others even those closest to us. I believe that at times we all consider putting a mask on so that others do not see what we are going through. That mask is often a false positive mask. In other words, we often fake being okay when really, we are struggling. I know I have worn a mask disguising my depression and anxiety often. As I have grown in my understanding and acceptance of my depression, I need that mask less often, but it is still nearby and at the ready. 

                  In the past I had to wear the mask in attempt to hide my depression so that I could function at work or get through family gatherings. Unfortunately, when we live with depression, sometimes we feel like we need to deny it to get by. I have masked my depression when people insinuated that I could “snap out of depression”. Many times, it was easier to escape under the mask than to explain that I could not just snap out of my depression. Of course, this was a bad habit to get into for many reasons. First, it forced me to deny what I was feeling and experiencing. It also gave others a false impression of who I am and what I live with. Another thing wearing a mask did was to perpetuate mental health stigma. Each time I put that mask on I am denying that depression is a legitimate illness. For the most part I no longer use that mask even though it is within reach. I am not ashamed of my depression. It is an illness. People can either accept me with my illness or they can move on. 

                  When we wear a mask to hide our depression, we are faking being okay. No matter how long we wear that mask or how hard we try to mask our depression, it is going to find its way out. The depression will become worse the more we try to hide it. 

                  Back to Robin Williams. Since his death I have read many stories about him. I have learned that he suffered, but did not want his suffering to affect others. He spent his life making people laugh with his movies and other entertainment ventures. What I like best about him is what he did when no one was watching. He would quietly go to hospitals and spend time making kids with serious illnesses smile and laugh. There were never any cameras when he did this. He did not want cameras. He wanted to be fully present for the children. Doctors, nurses, and parents knew the true gift of Robin’s visits. Yes, he was wearing a mask when he made these visits because inside, he was also suffering, but I think making people, especially children, brought him joy. Maybe these visits also brought him some healing. We likely will never know because he kept these visits quiet and did not talk about them. He didn’t need the attention. His sole purpose was to bring joy to children who needed it most. 

                  I have been affected by a few celebrities’ deaths by suicide. It is not the fact that they are celebrities. It is the death; the end of a life that didn’t need to end. We often don’t hear about a suicide unless it makes the news, or it is someone we know. When I hear about someone dying by suicide or struggling with suicidal thoughts, I feel a strange connection. Perhaps because I have been on that edge. Depression has taken me to that edge more times than I would like to admit. I know I have been lucky that I have not fallen off that edge. I think about that when I hear that someone has died by suicide. I wonder if they had worn a mask. I wonder if that mask prevented them from receiving help. 

                  Masks only help others avoid dealing with someone who is struggling. Masks do not help the person with depression. We may feel like we need to wear the mask to get by or to protect ourselves, but in the bigger picture masks prevent us from getting help. 

If others could find it in themselves to be kind to people living with depression life would be easier. More people could reach out for help. Just as important, more of us could be honest about what it is like to live with depression. If we do that, just maybe people could live an easier life with depression and not attempt to end their lives. 

Remember to be kind to others. You do not know what they are going through. Each of us deserves to be treated with kindness.