Light from a Disco Ball

Dancing as a means of healing became important to me over the last year and a half. I have always thought of illness and healing in terms of darkness and light. Darkness has represented my battle with depression. While light represents times of healing. These images make sense to me. I am able to use them to describe what I live with in terms of depression. 

       About a year and a half ago another illness took over my life. I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Darkness blanketed me. This time I did not know how to emerge from the darkness. I could not see a healing light. I thought I was going to die. This seemed ironic considering how often I have been plagued by suicidal ideation. Then I met an oncology nurse who changed things. In my first interaction with her she taught me something that gave me hope. It seems a little silly, but she said to beat cancer I had to dance. Then she did a little dance right there in the exam room. At first, I did not understand. Then I learned that she was a breast cancer survivor. She knew the care provider side as well as the patient side. Dancing became our connection. She would waltz into the room while I was hooked up to IV tubing and encourage me to dance in the chemo chair. At night when I felt like crap, overwhelmed by nausea and pain, I would hear her telling me to dance. Physically, I couldn’t get up and dance, but I would imagine myself dancing. Slowly, I would feel a little better. 

      What does dancing have to do with darkness and light? That’s where the disco ball comes into the picture. From the beginning I envisioned a disco ball when I tried to dance. I do not know why this image came to my mind, but I would picture a disco ball when I thought about dancing. A disco ball is made up of many broken pieces of glass. Together they create a ball of light. The disco ball connected my healing to light. Dancing was shining a light in the darkness of cancer. The light was with me just as it is in my battle with depression. It is the healing. 

       Illness, whether depression or cancer, shrouds me in darkness at times. Despite this darkness a healing light is present. Sometimes it is more difficult to see, but with a little hope the light is there. I find the light in different ways. Sometimes it is through writing. Other times it is by reaching out to my care team. Dancing also brings me healing even if it is just tapping my toes or moving my hips in the chemo chair during treatment. Healing requires me to reach for the light. It is important that we all reach for the light no matter what ails us. There is a light of healing waiting for us to reach out to it. 

 

With Hope We See Light

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” – Desmond Tutu

 

                  Recently I have been thinking a lot about the concepts of darkness and light. I use these as descriptors for depression and healing. The quote above from Desmond Tutu ties up what I am referring to when I talk about the darkness and light. Hope. We need hope to pull us through the darkness and into the light. 

                  Hope can be a difficult concept. At the times in my life when the darkness has been thick and I wanted to give up, I have been lifted by hope. Often, that hope has originated in others, especially my mental health team. Each of them has taught me to have hope that the light will reemerge. They have taught me to see that the light exists despite the darkness. 

                  Depression creates a thick darkness. It can be hard to have hope when we are blanketed by this darkness. The light is there. Sometimes we cannot see it and we need help to find the light. The help we receive lets us have hope. I understand that in the darkness we feel alone. During these times it is difficult to have hope or to find others who can help us find hope. I have been trapped in that darkness. It is an awful feeling. As bad as we feel, the light is there. It may be just a speck, but if we can grasp that speck, it will expand. 

                  In the past couple of years, I have learned a lot about hope. Two years ago, I was in the depths of depression. Taking my life seemed like my only option. My mental health team provided the light. They were the hope that got me through that time. I received the treatment I needed to emerge from the darkness. Unfortunately, a new illness would cast me back into the darkness. I was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. I believed I was going to die. The first oncologist I saw did nothing to help me have hope. Luckily, I found another oncologist and a nurse who instilled hope in me. They made sure I believed I could overcome the cancer and live with it. They were lights for me. As was my aunt, who lifted me into the light by caring for me and not allowing me to give up. Together my oncologist, her nurse, and my aunt were lights in the darkness of my cancer. They taught me to have hope. 

                  Hope is vital in our lives. There will always be times of darkness. That darkness will be different for each one of us. The commonality is that in the midst of the darkness, hope can bring light into our lives. Light exists in every darkness. It is just hard to see at times. If we have hope, we will see the light. That light may be another person. It may be something subtle that only we understand. No matter how it appears, hope brings light. Hope is the key to healing. I would not be here if it were not for hope. I was guided to believe there was hope I would overcome my suicidal thoughts. I was taught to have hope in my cancer battle. With hope I am still here. I am sharing my hope so that others may find the light of healing. If we have hope, we will find the light.